You tried get better at dating and failed.
That’s okay because I did too! Now you tried again and failed. How do you keep going and try to get better at dating without giving up? You have to have faith that the reward you stand to gain is worth the punishment you are taking to get better at dating. Dating is incredibly difficult for most people and was especially so for me. I knew I would have given anything to be better at dating for most of my adult life. The more than you have to offer, the harder it is. This is why celebrity relationships are so often terrible. To find an equal for them tends to be nearly impossible. Be lucky that it is easier for most of us than that.
You just have to keep trying over and over again until you get better at dating.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while hoping to get a different outcome. Genius is knowing when the insanity will give way to what you are looking for. Here’s a simple recipe that should help going forward with getting better at dating .
1) Start with thousands of introductions. This is easiest with an online dating profile on match.com or other larger dating sites. Get yourself out there and in front of as many of the people you want to attract as possible. Err on the side of quantity over quality to be better at dating. Often the unintended results will get you what you want and be a huge leap forward in being better at dating.
2) Look for mutual interest. Absolutely nothing else matters to begin and you can never be better at dating until you focus completely on mutual interest rather than just your own. You have to have them interested in you and be interested in them. People often are not single for a long time and situations change quickly. Try not to spend time on anything except finding and diagnosing mutual interest to begin. In fishing terms, you want a lot of lines in the water in different places around the lake. Once you have done this, you spend all of your energy in places where the fish are biting. Spend no time holding your rod in your hand waiting for a bite. In dating terms, spend the majority of your time putting yourself out there, getting noticed, and responding to people that show mutual interest. Match.com made finding mutual interest a lot easier for me with their “wink” and messaging systems. Joining Match is probably one of the easier things you can do to get better at dating.
- Case Study: On match.com, I met my wife by sending hundreds of winks to girls that met my basic search criteria which was based on age, location, education, desire for kids, and not smoking. As long as they looked like they might be cute in the picture, I winked at them. This took very little time and energy. Once I got a wink back, I would take a look at the profile and read everything. If there was something I did not like, I would move on. On my wife’s profile, I was impressed and sent her a message. She sent me one back and we quickly made a lunch date or first meeting depending on which one of us you ask.
3) Once you have found mutual interest, seek to get a one on one meeting in person as fast as possible but not immediately. Take a little bit of time to see if you can communicate on a basic level and then take the first opportunity to get some time for just the two of you to get to know each other. This is especially important for online dating and critical for being better at dating.
- Fail study: I met an ex on Plenty of Fish. I made the mistake of talking to her for weeks before meeting in person because I was literally try to get a date before I even moved to Tampa for graduate school. After all of the talking we did online and on the phone, it was easy to dismiss the feeling I had as soon as I saw her of disappointment. She was not as pretty as I had hoped and she had no confidence. If I had not invested all of the time and energy I did into talking with her beforehand, it would have been very easy for that to be just one date. Instead, what I got was a lame three month relationship which neither of us needed. She and I both wasted each other’s time. If I had not been so interested in what role I had wanted her to play in my life, I could have seen she was not right for me and I was not right for her. She felt I was better than her and I agreed.
4) After getting to know each other a little bit, plan to continue forward as if it is a marathon rather than a sprint. Pace yourselves with dates and getting intimate to show you are better at dating then you were when you were younger. You want to build a strong foundation and not rush the early courting process. The faster you fuck and start staying together every night, the harder it will be to leave if it is not a healthy relationship. Take the getting to know you dating time as an opportunity to do your due diligence about the person you are considering doing more with than being friends. Prior to any concrete verbal or online agreement between the two of you, do not assume that either of you is just limited to dating each other. Being better at dating means good communicating on both sides. Getting to know someone takes time and neither of you should close down your options until you know it is the right thing to do.
- Case Study: With my wife, we felt the pressures of society and dating on our relationship. Our first two dates were the best ever for us both. On our third date, I thought we had to sleep together for it to mean things were going well. On our third date, she promised her friends she would not do exactly that. I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said she did not want to rush into anything. This actually increased my desire to be with her greatly and both crushed me in feeling like I was coming in second place. She left at [12:30] and I was fall down drunk by 4 am that night. I felt like I was coming in second and like I could do better than her. Still, she was such a catch that I was willing to put up with a lot more pain than usual. At this point is exactly where I had failed in the past and had stopped dating girls if they did not want to go further. This time, I made up my mind that if one of us was going to screw this up it would not be me. After several more dates, we committed to each other and lived happily ever after. If I had understood the importance of pacing myself better, it would have not been so difficult for us both.
5) Find out basic incompatibilities prior to commitment and make a clear exit when you find them. Foundational issues such as having kids, pets, smoking, drinking, money, family, history, and whatever else is critical to know should be found out as fast as possible before you are in over your head. Being better at dating means asking these questions directly or indirectly prior to or soon after committing to be exclusive.
- How do they feel about children? If you want kids and they do not, why bother going any further? Being better at dating means wasting as little of your time and everyone else’s time as possible.
- How long have their parents been married? Often people are fundamentally incompatible in the way they see relationships if there are differences in how their parents handled their relationships. Naturally there are exceptions but generally if you want to be happy, your parents should have a similar situation to your match’s parents. That means if they are still married to each other, yours should be to. If your parents got a divorce when you were younger, your ideal match should come from the same type of family. When one person has parents divorced and the other’s parents are together, it can be difficult to look at the future the same way.
- How do they feel about key issues that matter to you? The is the place to bring up pets you have or want to have, smoking, drinking, living arrangements, and more. Ask what matters to you and they should return by asking what matters to them.
- What baggage do they bring to the table that will impact you? Do they have kids, debt, exes, sexually transmitted diseases, outstanding warrants, or anything else that you would not want to find out about later? Make sure you can handle their baggage and they can handle yours upfront if you have issues like this to deal with. You never want to bring these issues up on the first date but trust me in saying that it is better to find out about things like an ex-husband, kids, or student loan debt prior to having sex. You want to be with someone by choice. Some people’s baggage is not for everyone. The older you get, the more baggage you will tend to have and the more important it is to communicate about it at early as possible. My wife and I both brought student loan debt to the table and I was happy we both knew going in that our finances would have to be handled with care.
6) Once you have done your due diligence and made the commitment to be together, go forward boldly. It is better to fail quickly and try again than to get divorced twenty years later when your kids are in college. Take trips out of town together and meet each other’s family. Once you are committed, go for it full speed and know that being better at dating just starts to get challenging when you meet the right person!
Thank you for reading this post on how to get better at dating! I hope it has been helpful and to see you again soon on my website!
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