Stop Holding Back and Go For It
You can't find love while trying not to get hurt. Stop holding back and go for it. I'm doing it right now. I just met a woman six days ago, and I'm going for it. I'm not holding back. I'm feeling every feeling I can possibly feel for her. I'm communicating that lovingly, respectfully, and appropriately, and she's responding fantastically well, and I'm getting that back.
Almost everybody else, though, is coming from a place of trying to minimize pain instead of maximizing love and joy and connection. Most dating advice out there sounds like this: don't text too much. Don't seem too interested. Match their energy. Keep your options open. Don't catch feelings too soon. Oh, you're simping. And all these stories go along with that. But really, the only thing you need to do to bring serious love into your life is open your heart and love like you're a child again.
I really respect the difficulty in doing this. I'm not telling you this is easy, or that you can just switch it on in a second. But I want you to see that your own inability or unwillingness — your own choice to hold back, to protect your heart, to play guarded — will block you from getting the love you want in your life.
How Playing It Safe Cost Me a Second Date
I will give you a very personal example of this. When I met my ex fifteen years ago, I loved and didn't hold back. I got so excited about her, and we had a beautiful fifteen-year relationship. Then when I got divorced, I was holding back. If I ever didn't hold back, it would only be for a moment, and then I'd quickly fall right back into defensiveness, anger, fear, rejection, and scarcity. When I met women, I would withhold my interest. I wouldn't text them. I'd instantly be disappointed if they didn't want to immediately start hanging out with me every day. If they said anything like, "Oh, I'm not dating right now," or showed any little red flag, I'd just immediately quit and give up. I tried to go out with as many women as possible, but I was holding back with all of them, which left me watching a bunch of dating advice about not acting too interested.
That advice cost me one particular match. On a matchmaking service, I matched with a beautiful woman who also appeared to be rich — takes-vacations-to-Antarctica rich. She seemed very interested in me. There were definitely romantic sparks on the first date, and she seemed like she had so much fun. But what happened? I started playing games. I didn't text her for two days, because all these fellas on YouTube were telling me, yeah, don't text her too much, don't seem too interested, don't catch feelings too soon.
What happened after two days? This is a woman ten years younger than me, and she felt neglected. She felt like I didn't care about her at all. She felt like there must not be a romantic spark. She felt me closing off. Even though we didn't talk, she felt that I was intentionally keeping safe, that I was holding back — and therefore she didn't feel all the feelings. Then she texted me and said, "Let's cancel our second date. I'm not feeling the romantic spark from here." I didn't even reply or ask any questions.
The Opposite Approach: Leading With an Open Heart
Let me tell you what I did instead — the opposite approach. The opposite approach is that I go around open-hearted, just offering love wherever I can. I made a video talking about workout classes and about opening my heart and really loving the women in those classes silently — not saying anything, not trying to pick them up, but just opening my heart and putting out: I love you. I'm so glad you're here. You're so beautiful. You're doing an amazing workout. You're so strong. I'm so proud of you for being here in this class. Thanks for being here and making this so much more enjoyable than doing it by myself. Just putting out that energy over and over again.
I had tested that a little bit in the past. I had even done it unintentionally sometimes when I was married. I ended up getting a crush on a woman in yoga while I was married, because I wasn't holding back. I didn't even talk to her for six classes. Both of us were in relationships. But she felt that energy I was putting out toward her, and she approached me and started talking to me first. I replicated that several times with other women, even when I was married. I thought, wow, I can just put out all this loving energy, and maybe ten to twenty percent of women will feel it and be very interested in me — and I don't have to say anything. Looking back now, that looks awful. I was putting energy that should have been devoted to my wife out to other women. Absolutely, and I would never do that again.
And yet in dating, it's like I forgot that the main thing I needed to do after I got divorced was to really wholeheartedly love a woman, and that from there, all other good things would happen. I recently remembered this, and I started going around just loving. That doesn't mean I'm just accepting any woman into my life, though. In fact, the more I loved open-heartedly, the more I started to feel it whenever it wasn't reciprocated, and I'm naturally not interested. When I send a woman an excited text message inviting her to do something and she doesn't respond for two days, I just naturally start looking for a better place to focus my love and attention.
Six Days Ago in Yoga Class
Then six days ago, I ran into a woman in yoga class, and I was putting out that energy. She was very interested. I actually talked to her first, but I had been listening to her conversation, so I had a very clear opener: "Hey, you're also a content creator." Then she could feel that radiating love, that gratitude for talking to her — but not feeling less than her. I felt like an equal, knowing what I have to offer. I have unconditional love. I have so much love to offer. And then confidence, because I know what I have to offer is really valuable, and when I offer it, I know I'm worthy of being with as well.
The last six days have just been incredible. It's been a constant exercise where my head will start saying, dude, this is crazy. You've only known her for three days, six days, two days, five days. It says you need to hold back, or my head will attack me with thoughts like: you're crazy, you can't just love someone like this you just met, she's not that into you. And yet I've just prayed: please, God, let me keep my heart open. Please don't let me fall back asleep into trying not to get hurt. All I want to offer is love, and all I want to receive is love.
So many people say, well, you need to be careful, or slow down. I say no. I'm going to love like I'm a teenager who's never been hurt before — besides by my parents, I guess. I'm going to love like it's a first date in high school. I'm going in with an open heart, so excited, figuring this might be my wife. If that doesn't work out, I can take the pain. What I can't stand anymore is going around trying not to get hurt and then getting hurt anyway. That's the insanity: when you hold back on the love you're giving, you don't get as much love, and then you still get hurt anyway.
Don't Worry About Getting Hurt — You Can Handle It
Dating has been nothing but hurtful for me except for the last week. It was purely hurtful, but that makes sense, because the energy I was putting out was, "Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me no more." That was the energy I was putting out, and I understand why. After I got divorced, it was very hurtful for both of us — breaking up and all of that. At the same time, if I want to find real love, I've got to open my heart and just offer that "I love you" energy out anywhere. Then when someone's interested, focus that energy. That's what I'm doing. I've been focusing that energy onto the woman I'm dating now, just endlessly, almost like an affirmation. I'm even playing songs like Kesha's "Warrior" and "Supernatural" and other love songs to help focus my mind and my body: focus your love. Give, give. Don't worry about not getting hurt. Don't worry about getting hurt. You can handle it if you get hurt. What you can't handle is not really living. What you can't handle is walking through life like the living dead, like a zombie that can't connect with a human being anymore.
Dating isn't broken. I think the YouTube algorithm feeds on people feeling hurt, and then they watch all this content about how awful the dating scene is. In my experience, the dating scene is not awful. The woman I'm dating now has struggled to date, but she has latched on to me now that I've stopped holding back. Yesterday, when we were out on our third date, she said, "Finally, a man with a heart and emotions." Then she felt safe to express her emotions, and she was enthusiastic about hanging out with me again today.
It just feels so good. In fact, it's so much joy that it's an adjustment — like if you're used to listening to music quietly and all of a sudden the volume gets cranked up. A lot of us are used to not having that much joy in our lives. Six days ago, meeting this woman, it's like the joy just doubled in my life. And then it flows over to everybody else too: I'm able to put that much more love and joy out to my kids, to everybody else in my life, to God and to Jesus, to anyone who has supported and helped me, and to all of you online. When I stopped holding back, as soon as I met this woman, I told myself: don't hold back. Give, give to her. Trust her. Love her. And it's felt almost telepathically.
Compare that to the two days I didn't text the woman I went out with on that first date. The energy I was putting out then was holding back, playing games, following these people online who don't have what I want. I want a loving, beautiful relationship of massive joy, of family, a teammate, a partnership. I don't want to learn from somebody who's got a high body count and has never had a great relationship, who shows up on YouTube bitter, saying anything they can to get as many views as possible, and then selling their community to bring people into doing the same thing — all the while telling people this is how you're going to be successful with women. No. I know what works because I'm doing it and living it. I'm getting the results. What works is this: open your heart and trust. And be prepared, too. I have so many shoulders to cry on if this doesn't work.
Assume Loyalty, Not Betrayal
I'm transparent. I talk with my kids, and they know where I'm at. If the hurt comes, I'll cry on their shoulders, and my mother's, and all my friends' in AA, and all my other friends' — my tennis friends. I have so many friends, so many shoulders to cry on if it doesn't work, that I can handle it if it doesn't work. But what I'm most interested in, all I focus on, is: let's get it to work.
And I know it's challenging. You'd think after six days, so much connection with this woman, three fantastic dates, and her constantly matching my energy — being thankful that I'm willing to take the risk emotionally, because it's a challenge for her to receive this much love from somebody. I don't think she's ever had an experience like this before, and it's a little scary for her too. Yet I woke up this morning, sent her a voice note at 7:30 AM, and waited two hours for her to get up a little later. My mind was filled with anxiety and fear: this is it. You're crazy. You're going to get hurt. And I said, no, no. I love her. I trust her. She sent me a very nice voice memo right before bed last night. I don't think she suddenly went to sleep and just changed a hundred percent.
Now, some of y'all would say, that's possible. And it is possible. But the woman I'm going to really love and make a deep partnership with is consistent. I'm going to love her, and I'm going to love and trust and assume consistency. I'm not going to assume betrayal. A lot of people are getting a lot of views on YouTube encouraging you to protect yourself and assume betrayal. No — I assume loyalty. If there is betrayal, I'll deal with it. But I'm going to assume loyalty. I'm going to love like there's no tomorrow. People say, "Well, I hope that works out for you." It's working out now. I'm happy. I'm filled with love.
I'm facing my demons head on. My head fills with stuff like: oh, you're not good enough for her. She figured it out. Maybe she watched one of your videos or something, realized you're a loser, and she's going to dip. And I pray: please, God, let me remember the truth. Please let me remember all the experiences I've had with her that are the opposite of that. Please let me remember that this is just as good for her as it is for me. Both of us have so much to gain, and then the world has so much to gain from two people loving each other. She wants kids. I want more kids. The two of us working out could bring life into the world in a time when fewer people are having kids — that's something hugely valuable for the whole human race. This is not just about me, or even her. This is about lifting everybody up. And I feel that the more I can love the woman I'm dating, the more I can love everybody else in my life.
Pushing My Glass Ceiling for Joy
It's scary, but it's fun. I haven't had this much fun dating in a long time, and most of the feelings have been so joyous and euphoric. It's been pushing my glass ceiling for how much joy I can handle. The beauty is, the more you push how much joy you can handle, the less interested you'll be in suffering. My sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous fired me yesterday. I have too much joy in my life, and he has too much suffering in his. We're just in separate worlds. He can hardly identify with me or help me. It just leaves him sad, looking at the life I'm having versus where he's at right now. I understand that. I accept that.
Don't hold back, though — even if you have to let people go because they can't handle all the joy you're having in your life. If they can't, if they're jealous of your relationship, let them go. They'll be replaced with people who can handle all of that and will keep affirming how much love and joy you have in your life.
Why I Say Most Dating Advice Fails
I know a message like this can change someone's life, because once you see what you're doing — that your mind invents rejection before it happens, that you're trying to conceal your emotions, especially with women — you can change it. In my experience, emotional concealment works very poorly, despite what all these losers tell you on YouTube. Not everyone who makes dating content is a loser, but a lot of the most popular dating content creators are utter losers in my mind, because all they do is make content to get views and get money. They don't think about how it impacts their audience. They're just doing anything to get stuff for themselves, and they're encouraging people to do things that, when you do them in real life, lead to people being hurt. I'm glad I'm a critical thinker, and I realized almost everything they were telling me is crap. It leads to bad results in person.
Every bit of it — from cold approach, to never cold approach, all the way to games and optimizing your dating profile — it's all disgusting to me. My belief is you should only approach when it's warm already. We had just done the same yoga class, and I knew exactly what to talk about because I had just heard her talking about it. That's a warm approach, not some random stranger on the street. All you need to do is love wholeheartedly, and you will bring somebody in like a magnet who's there to receive that. If you are vulnerable, it allows the other person to meet you there.
Taking the Maximum Risk
I did a video before saying I'm not taking any more risks, and I literally reversed that position. Now I say I will take the maximum risk. I will risk my entire heart with this woman. And I will lead, because I'm a believer that the man ideally is the leader in the relationship — at least in the concrete form of it. The woman leads with her desire. The man leads with his concrete choices and presence. The man creates the space; the woman creates the desires; the man creates from those desires. So the man holds a space based on the woman's desires. My woman desires a man who can really love her, help her feel safe to express her emotions, and not have to act like she's okay — a woman who is ready to receive unconditional love. I'm willing to lead the way there. And from there, I'm super patient, because I'm offering her my heart. I am certain that as I lead the way, offering everything I have with my heart and my emotions and my love, it makes her want to offer me everything she's got in return. And then we get the most joy.
These videos are my truth in dating, and I invite you to keep coming back and watching. I'm not here to give you advice — I'm here to listen. If you want to hear my experience or my perspective on your situation, I'd love to share it, but I'm first and foremost here to listen. Right now, this is a one-way relationship. I don't know you at all, but you can help me get to know you: schedule a private one-on-one call with me and tell me your situation. That helps me understand you better and make better dating videos, and I want to know how these messages transform your life.
I hope this is so helpful for you. If it is, I'd love to hear your thoughts, and you can find all of my videos on this journey in my Dating playlist.