Love

dating the right person

Are You Dating The Right Person or Not? Top 5 Ways to Verify!

If you are dating the right person, you should find the list below quite helpful in proving that you are right.  If you are not dating the right person, you might find the list below helpful in giving yourself proof you need to move on.  You also might find it to be a total pile of crap based only on what I know from experience about dating the right person and dating a lot of the wrong people.  In that case, maybe you will get a laugh out of how awful it is!

What do I know about dating the right person?

  • I know that dating was the most difficult thing I ever did.  I failed at dating the right person so many times I can’t count and I was the most miserable on account of my dating failures.  All this finally changed when I met my wife on match.com after struggling since fifteen to be happy with my dating life.  You can know that I have done dating wrong nearly every way you can and finally figured out a way to do it right through those mistakes.
  • I am lucky to be blessed with a good memory which helps me recall exactly how I felt during the nearly ten years where I was terrible at dating the right person and failed all the time.  I finally succeeded by figuring out what to do right and how to verify that.  The list below is what I used to verify my wife was right for me and that I was right for her.  The list below was finalized after I had my longest consistent dating failure with an ex before meeting my wife.

Top 5 ways to verify you are dating the right person or verify that you need to move on.

  • Rather than giving you a set list of “features” to look for or “behaviors” to check for, I am going to ask you a series of questions that inspires you to think.  Based on what you think in response to these questions, you should have the answer to whether you are dating the right person or not.
  • The idea with this list is that the collective responses you make together will be helpful.  You may be in the best relationship in the world and still have one of these that indicates a bad relationship.  You might be dating the worst person in the world but one of the questions may make you think you are dating the right person.  All of these taken together should give you evidence in the direct you want it to be.

What was your very first thought when you met?

My first thought when I met my wife was WOW!  My first thought when I met the ex before her was “total disappointment.”  My thoughts from a few girls before were “She’s cute” and “Whoa” and “You’re fatter than I expected.”  Naturally I have formed all of these words into utter simplicity out of what was a quite complex feeling.  Your first thought is the most honest judgement you will ever get of the person you are with and one you should always take immediate action on.  This is really hard sometimes because your first thought may not line up at all with what your rational mind recommends.   For example, the one ex I had the “total disappointment” thought about had already spent hours talking with me on the phone and online prior to meeting her in person.  I was devasted when my unconscious brain fed me the “total disappointment” thought as soon as I saw her get out of her car.  To say total disappointment I hope communicates the message but let me go further.  When I saw her, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and slapped across the face and then spit on.  All of these have actually happened to me of course which made feeling them all at the same time make me want to puke.  Sadly, this honest feeling was not enough to make me realize I was not dating the right person.

The worst part was that this feeling was completely against what my rationale brain had planned.  My rational brain told me that I had spent hours talking to this girl already, she was at least not fat, and I should spend some time to get to know her.  What the fuck did my first impression matter anyway?  My first impression was the most honest and it took me three months of suffering through a relationship that was not good for either of us before I finally got to the point where I knew in my rational brain that I clearly was not dating the right person.  Once I figured that out, breaking up still was difficult.  If I had followed my first thought when I met her, how much easier would it have been?  How was this different from my wife and how might this differ for you when you are dating the right person?

When I met my wife for the first time, my first thought was WOW.  The best way to describe it is on the way home from our first lunch date, I felt like I was floating in the clouds when I was driving.  I knew that I could be really happy with her if things worked out.  I felt both impressed with how she looked and like she was a warm and loving person.  This contrasted deeply with the other times I had positive impressions of girls I had dated.  The feeling is hard to figure out at the time since knowing the difference between “Wow you are hot but I think you might kill me” and “Wow you are hot but I can totally picture us having a boring marriage together” and “Wow you are really hot and I think you could love me forever” is very subtle in the moment if you are not used to openly processing your feelings which I was not until dating my wife.  The bottom line is if you ever question whether you are dating the right person or not, your first feeling is by far the most honest.  The rest of this list may be helpful in reconnecting you with that first feeling you get after dating the right person or dating the wrong person.  If you want to read an awesome book dedicated to clearly defining this feeling I have just described, I highly recommend Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink.  Read more about Blink and buy it on Amazon here.  When you make an immediate purchase using this link, Amazon will give me a few cents as a thank you and I can use that to show more people this post which I explain the value of doing at the end.

How do your friends and family treat you both when you interact or how do you feel about bringing the person you are dating around your family and friends?

Actions speak louder than words.  Families and friends are often very helpful at giving good feedback on the person you are with.  The problem is that often what is said is hard to interpret and often wrong based on what type of family you have.  The most honest way I have found to employ friends and family to give feedback about whether I am dating the right person or not is to see how they behave around me when I am with the person I am dating.  My memories of this are shocking to me mainly because I never would have predicted how different people could act based on who I was with.  When I was with every girl before my wife, my family always acted worse towards me when they were with both of us at the same time.  By worse I mean they did just a few more things that were rude, said a few more things that put me down, and showed their bad side a little more than usual.  My family and friends were quite consistent with this regardless of the girl which should have helped me see I was not dating the right person.

When I brought my wife home for the first time, everything was different.  Every time they ever spent with her they somehow were completely different than they had been with every other girl.  For example, when a situation would come up were my inadequacies were apparent, they would join my girlfriends in putting me down which I don’t think is uncommon in nearly any family.  Even though my wife has spent more time with my family now than all of my old girlfriends combined, I do not ever remember my family working together with my wife to put me down.  It seems to be understood that she would not like that and they just don’t do it.

Think about how your friends and family treat you when you are with the person you are dating.  Do they act a little better or a little worse than usual?  Do they omit saying things either nice or nasty you would expect them to say?  Often one of the strongest actions is willful omission of what is normal.  In short, I have never seen my family and friends behave so good as they do around my wife.  I never would have believed it before I saw it and find it as clear evidence I am dating the right person!

How would you feel if you lost the person you are dating forever right now?

If the first word you thought after reading this was “relieved,” you might want to pack your things now!  The first time my packed all of her things and left, I thought “finally” and “I hope she doesn’t come back.”  This is the same ex I had the “total disappointment” first impression with.  The problem is even when we know we are in a bad situation, we are creatures of habit.  Studies suggest that abusive relationships often take six to seven tries before they are successfully ended.  It took me another month to break up with my ex after she left even though I have never been the kind of person to wait around and give people a chance.  I have been on hundreds of first dates and a lot less second dates.   If there are any significant positive feelings surrounding the person you are dating not being in your life, you are obviously not dating the right person.

By contrast, if anything happened to my wife I hope I would survive and figure the closest analogy to the experience would be having my arm and leg cut off.  My Mom just lost my Dad after being together for over thirty years and this has been the most suffering I have ever seen anyone I care about go through.  To be fair, my Mom thought my Dad was a jerk when she first met him and her family acted terrible around him.  Still, they made it together for more than thirty years and had a wonderful life together against all odds.  I hope you don’t have to go this far to figure out whether you are dating the right person or not.  Regardless whether you are dating the right person or not, you are going to suffer through a lot of the worst parts of life with the person you are dating at the moment.  The question you might want to ask to figure out if you are dating the right person is:

Is this the person you want to suffer through the worst things in life with?

I feel like seeing a hot girl or guy and picturing doing all of the best things in life with them is easy.  I know I certainly did from the time I was in first grade.  What I wish I could have shared with myself is the value of looking at the person you are dating and thinking about experiencing all of the things that really suck in life with them.  My wife has been through my alcoholism, my excessive video gaming, me going crazy with work when I started my company, and most recently my Dad dying.  You might not think she is dating the right person based on all of this but the fact is we all have problems and we all experience suffering.  Whoever you are dating is stuck with your problems and you are stuck with theirs as long as you are together.  When you are dating the right person, you will feel great about being their from them through their problems.  In fact, I love that my wife makes all of these tough times of life much better.  Being with her encouraged me to finally join Alcoholics Anonymous which has helped me stay sober after more than ten failed attempts earlier in life.  I started gamingaddiction.net and my company just a couple months after moving in with my wife to help me define responsible video game play for both myself and the world.  My wife has been the foundation of dealing with my grief over losing my Dad in a positive way by being there for my Mom.

By contrast, I was not willing to go through anything bad with any of my exes and this should have been a huge indicator I was not dating the right person.  I told one ex that there was no way in hell I would ever deal with her special needs sister.  All of my exes told me there was no way in hell they were going to stay with me through my drinking and video gaming.  The fact that neither party in any of my previous relationships was willing to put up with any of the bad sides of the other was a great indication we were both not dating the right person which is the only scenario that ever exists.

How compatible are you with the person you are dating on the things that you really care about and that they really care about?

In all of the dating advice I read when I was younger, I rarely heard any good insights on compatibility beyond sexuality and superficial topics.  There are so many different ways to have a relationship today and so many different people to be with.  There are career women that want a stay at home man.  There are career guys that want another career guy to be with.  There are girls that would be perfectly fine living at home with you and your family.  There are women that want a man that acts manly and never cries.  There are women like my wife that embrace my sensitive side and respond really well to it.  There are people that are fine with an open relationship and people that want to be in a committed relationship.  There are people that think marriage is good for as long as it lasts and there are people that think death is the only way to leave a marriage.  With the emergence of rights for women, open acceptance of GLBT, and new technology that encourages both disconnection and long distance, communication about compatibility have never been more important to dating the right person.

If you are not compatible in an area that is important to you or that is important to who you are with, often seeing other people is the best solution.  Many of the areas most important to us are not flexible and you will never be happy the same with someone that is not willing to do the things important to you.  For example, many girls enjoy getting flowers.  Before meeting my wife, I thought that I should never get a girl flowers unless I had to apologize for something.  Why would I waste money on something that just died?  With my wife, I started buying her flowers on our fifth date and have continued buying her flowers every time they flowers she has that I last gave her die.  My thought is another guy can’t possibly come in and give her something she does not have if I am giving her everything she really wants.  What most people want is to be loved a little bit every day.  If you are compatible with the person you are dating, you will find it easy to give them what they want most days.  If you are not compatible, you will suffer hurt and more hurt despite your best efforts.  In most of my past relationships, I thought I was always doing the right things and was taken totally by surprise when I got dumped or cheated on.  The truth was that what I thought was right usually had nothing to do with what the girl I was with thought was right because we were not compatible.  My wife helped me figure out what I should do that she liked mostly be being a good listener which encouraged me to become a better listener.  One of the biggest areas of incompatibility for me prior to being with my wife was being with girls that were not good listeners.  The reason was not that I was a good listener but exactly the opposite.  I was not a good listener except when I wanted to destroy someone in an argument in which case I listened annoyingly well only to the points I could use against them.  I did not realize I needed to find a girl that was a good listener to help me build this skill which I lacked myself.  My wife on the other hand needed to be with someone that mad her laugh because she was often a serious person on her own.  When she dated guys that were also serious, the relationship tended to not be a lot of fun.  Being a good listener, she found it easy to laugh at what I said.  Seeing her laugh made me feel great about making her feel great which encouraged me to find more ways to do that like getting her flowers.

The bottom line with compatibility is that you need to get to know a lot of people often to figure out who you are compatible with.  By get to know, I met go out on a lot of first dates, talk to a lot of people around you, and get to know people.  The more you get to know people in general, the more you will be able to figure out if you are dating the right person based on your compatibility.

What can you do now on your path to dating the right person?

After asking yourself these questions, I hope you might have a bit better idea what to do next to begin or keep dating the right person.  The problem is that dating the right person is one of the hardest things I ever did in my life and the most important for most of our happiness.  If you feel like you have a long journey ahead of you, you might be right.  I hope by sharing what I have learned with you that I can make your journey in dating the right person a little easier than mine was.  A lot of the information I read when I was trying to find the right person to date was poisonous and hurt my ability to be dating the right person.  I discovered along the way that the information I put in my head related to dating the right person was just as important as actually going on dates and getting to know people.  I read a lot of bad advice on dating and ended up having a lot of bad dates as a result.  I have wrote this with the hope that in giving you good information, you can have a bit easier time with dating the right person than I did.  If you want to get started meeting new people and make sure more people can see this post, sign up for match using this link now to get a three day free trial.  When you do, Match will give me a few dollars as a thank you for generating your subscription and I will be able to put this post into more paid advertising.  When I put this post into more paid ads, I can make sure people read this instead of the bad information I got when I needed help.  If you want to chat with me about your situation, you can also schedule a Skype call here.

Thank you for reading this post about dating the right person and I hope to see you on my website again soon!

succeed at dating

How do I Succeed at Dating?

Do you want to succeed at dating?

When you have taken thousands of steps already to succeed at dating and you know you are with the right person rather than just with a warm body, now comes the real work.  Everything you have done to get here has put you in the best position to succeed at dating and to fail epicly.  You now can either succeed at dating by finding the love that makes life worth living or fail miserably and face sadness worse than you hear in every sad love song.  You have moved out of the penny slots and now you are playing the high stakes games.  Winning or losing here could mean the difference in a beautiful life or eternal regret.

Sound frightening?  It should be when you think how likely you are to screw it up.  My first, second, third, and every relationship after that until my wife was a failure.  I went through the first steps  often in a sloppy and half assed manner with a determination to get to the reward.  What I did not understand was that the sloppier the foundation I built was and the more time I took to build it, the more painful and costly my failures were.  Know that most people mess most of their relationships up in their life and that is okay!  You only need to do it right once for it to make all the difference in the world!  I failed hundreds of times until I finally signed up for match.com and met my wife in January 2011.  I had been trying to succeed at dating for more than 10 years before that.

With this in mind, plan to succeed at dating or fail fast.

You want to continually up the stakes with the person you are with and see what happens.  Meet their family, take vacations together, and really get to know each other.  If things are going to fail, you want to waste as little time as possible.  None of us will ever have enough time to do everything we want but some of us will get to do a lot more of what we want than others.  You are your own worst enemy when it comes to time wasting.  If you realize you made a mistake with the relationship, get out of it fast and stay out!  I hurt a lot of feelings and got my feelings hurt a lot.  I still have dreams about how cruel I was and yet it is all worth it based on what I have now.  The reward of being with the best person you can handle is worth the sacrifice of time, sadness, and loneliness you have to pay with.  Keep in mind why you are doing this in the first place.  You want to find love that makes your life worth living.

When you go boldly forward with your new relationship, you will both either fall apart quickly or come together quickly.  Each new adventure you take will enable you to know each other more completely which should increase your comfortable and faith in each other.  The expectations of society will take a backseat to what you feel like doing when you are on the path to succeed at dating.

I consistently laugh when I hear couples going through growing pains in their relationship at points of engagement and getting married.  One of my friends said he was going to take his girlfriend to look at rings a couple of times but then he did not because he said she acted like a bitch.  Really? The idea of getting married is that fragile to you that she could act like a bitch one day and throw you off from wanting to look at rings?  If you want to succeed at dating, the first step is to make sure you are with the right person!  Here is your sign you are with the wrong girl!

Case Study: “I better be fucking engaged.”

One of my close friends had dated a few girls before that were not right for him.  The flame went out quickly and they kept doing it because they had committed to it.  Eventually, it got so boring even the breakup was not bad because they both had withdrawn to being practically single.  This time however he had found the right one and decided he really wanted to succeed at dating her.  While he is introverted and a typical man in terms of needing a little encouragement as to what to do at times, she is a perfect compliment.  We were at the bar one night talking upon an upcoming friend’s wedding.  I told my friends that I knew I wanted to marry my wife and that we would probably be engaged then.  My friend’s girlfriend said: “I better fucking be engaged by then too!”  He went to the store the next day, bought a ring, and asked her the day after that.  They are now married and continue to enjoy even more happiness now than they did when they first met.  When it is right, the next step is much easier than it is for most people.  When you are with the right person, being able to succeed at dating is ridiculously easy!

Thank you for reading this post about how to succeed at dating!  I hope it has been helpful and to see you here again soon!

find someone to date

What To Do Before You Find Someone to Date.

You have to be ready to find someone to date and they have to be ready for you before you can hope to accomplish more.

If you try really hard to find someone to date but never are ready to be a good date yourself, you end up suffering a lot like I did on the way to being able to find someone to date and have it be successful.  If you meet thousands of people, one of them is bound to be right for you.  Imagine or remember the effort you put in trying to find someone to date repeated over thousands of times only to realize you are not ready to be worth dating.

For much of my life, I was not ready to find someone to date let alone be a good lover.  Most girls tended to notice this right away.  What would have made it easier is knowing that about myself and just looking to learn instead of trying to skip straight to happily ever after.  Lots of my friends were smarter than me about this when they were younger and they took dating a lot less seriously than I did.

How do you figure out if you are ready to find someone to date?

There are three questions you can ask yourself to see if you are ready to find someone to date.

  1. Am I happy with who I am now?
  2. Am I ready to place a relationship with another person above everything else in my life?
  3. Am I ready to completely share my most intimate problems and suffering with someone while taking on their most intimate problems and suffering?

If the answers to all of these questions are not yes, then now is not the right time to be taking dating seriously.  You have to be happy with yourself first and be willing to be selfless in a relationship if you want to experience true love.  Why?  True love requires absolute faith in the relationship and a spiritual bonding together.  I like to say that my wife and I are one soul in two bodies.  The problem is that while I had heard of soul mates before, without having experienced it myself, I was not a believer.  I always thought before that a relationship was just two people together and that’s why my relationships always failed.

If you know you are ready, the next step to finding someone to date is to be single.

Unlike getting a better job, being in a relationship is the worst place to find another relationship simply because of trust.  How can you trust the person you are with if they found you while they were in a relationship?  The same goes for you.  When you are single, you are free to move forward with any opportunity you have to find someone to date.  You also are forced to handle the question of am I happy with who I am?  Many people cannot take this part of being single and bounce from one relationship to another all the while trying to find someone to date.

Once you are single, you need to begin looking for what you want and saying no to everyone else.

You should only look for other singles for the reasons we just talked about and you should take a position on the continuum of these two extremes.  You want to be somewhere between ruthless with your standards and focused on learning more about people as well as dating.  If you are too ruthless with your standards, you will not gain any experience.  As with anything else, dating is a skill.  You have to go on some dates just to get confidence and get used to playing the get to know each other game.  At the same time, too much experience can be a bad thing by souring you on dating and making bad habits.

Think of eating and food poisoning.  You can eat a lot of great food but it only takes one meal to make you sick.  You can be sick for a little while or it can kill you.  The more you eat, the better you will get at figuring out what you can eat and what you like.  Dating is the same.  Thus, if you are just getting started and have not dated much, going out with someone that is a bit below your standards can help you work your way up.  If you have done a lot of dating below your standards already, it is time to be ruthless.  My wife and I both had relationships before us characterized by always feeling that we were better than the person we were with.  For us, this is the first time we are in a relationship where we feel we are equals.  It makes all the difference in the world!

How did I finally find someone to date that ended up being my wife and that I am truly happy with?

It was a long journey filled with struggle, suffering, challenges, and finally success.  Reading the dating and love categories on my website will give you everything I have written so far.  The most concrete step I took was to join match.com.  Within a month of joining match.com, I met my wife.  We were married just over two years from when I subscribed for six months on match.com.  After using damn near every popular online dating service that existed since 2002, I was really happy to finally find one that worked!  If you subscribe to match.com using any of the links in this post, match.com will give me a few dollars as thank you for telling you my success story.  These dollars will help me show more loving and inspirational posts to the world on my quest to spread love, hope, and faith.

Thank you for reading this post about how to find someone to date and I hope to see you on my website again soon!

right person to love

Why is it so Hard to Find the Right Person To Love?

For most of us, finding right person to love will be the hardest thing we ever do.

A few will get lucky finding the right person to love but most that do make their own luck.  I failed hundreds of times on my way to meeting my wife on match.com.  I had several serious relationships and the closer they were to my goal, the more it hurt when I realized they would never get to being the right person to love.  I got cheated on in my first serious relationship, I ruined my career as a police officer over a coworker, I stayed in a city I hated for a girl, I moved from that city later to get away from a different girl, and I suffered through a boring relationship where I had clearly stayed with someone that was not the right person to love for way to long.  To be fair, every girl I was with suffered as much or more as I did in realizing I was not the right person to love.

That’s just scratching the surface.  I got hundreds of phone numbers with plenty of fakes, I had to avoid going to the gym at certain times, I sent long pitiful emails, I stalked and got stalked by people on Facebook, I created a bad situation with one of my Mom’s friends, I found myself in a trailer trash neighborhood with an ugly mother of three, I ruined good friendships, I smashed and burned things, I drank myself to puking a lot, and I had my feelings hurt thousands of times.  I got excited, let down, ignored, rejected, and somehow never got my ass kicked.  I left a girl at a bar, I left a girl at a movie theater, I told girls I never wanted to see them again, I dumped a girl on Facebook, and I told all of my friends all kinds of details no one else should have known.  Two girls threatened to kill themselves if I left them, one girl threatened to get me in trouble at work, one girl did put me in a position where I quit working my dream job, one girl faked a pregnancy scare, and one girl made me sleep in the living room with a fucking snake.  Hundreds of girls never responded to my emails, my phone calls, and my winks online.  The bottom line is that if you think finding the right person to love is easy, there is a very small chance you are right.  Most of us have to suffer through doing it wrong a lot before we do it right.  The better you want to do, the most you can count on suffering.

Finding my wife as the right person to love was by far the biggest challenge I have ever completed.

Before I found her, dating consistently was the biggest frustration in my life even when I was in a relationship.  My point is that finding the love that makes your life worth living is really fucking hard most of the time and you should be prepared to run a marathon when you are dating rather than finding a quick fix or a sprint.  I write the posts on my website to help you do it a little easier than I did.  I did it the hard way but you only have to if you want to.  Check out any post in the dating or love category to keep reading!

 

start looking for love

How Do I Start Looking For Love?

When you run a marathon, you take around 33,000 steps.  When you start looking for love, consider that you are beginning a marathon with the same number of steps.  When I was a teenager, I always wanted to rush straight to where I am now.  I did not want to start looking for love.  I wanted to just find it right away.  How would you ever run a marathon or even a hundred yards without taking each step?

What is the first step to start looking for love?

Defining a clear vision of how you want to feel when you are with the love of your life.  From as early as I can remember, when I went to bed I used to fantasize that I had the love of my life there with me.  Without realizing it, I already had a great start looking for love as early as first grade.  I knew exactly how I should feel when I was with the right person.  More than likely you have already taken this step and many more.  What is important about this step is always remembering this feeling.  You are not with the right person unless you feel when you are with them how you imagined you would feel with the love of your life.  Start looking for love now before it is too late!

Can you start looking for love if you are already in a relationship?

How do you tell if that feeling is really there or not in the relationship you have?  I wrote this post more recently about how to verify if you are dating the right person which might help a lot with this question.  There are two simple ways to diagnose how you feel about the person you are with.  Think of the first time you saw them in person when you knew you might date them.  How did you feel?  For me, the first word that comes to mind for most of my relationships that failed is disappointment.  She did not look good enough or she did not have confidence or she was a disaster or she was too fat or she had a stupid look on her face.  I asked one of my friends that is planning to marry and have kids with the girl he is dating what he thought the first time he met his girlfriend.  He said his first thought was that she was fatter than he had hoped and that her friend was a lot hotter.  After telling me this, he did not like my suggestion that maybe that was the truth he was trying to bury underneath his desire to not be single.

The second way to tell if the person you are with is right for you is to think of your most recent memories together.  When was the last date you went on and how did you feel?  What was the last movie you saw together?  How did you feel last time you kissed or made love?  Now, simplify these answers into one question.  Do you feel better, about the same, or not as excited about these recent memories compared to your first memories together?  Most of my failed relationships got stale quickly.  The sex got boring, our dates felt like a chore, the most recent kiss was going through the motions, and overall the original feelings we had together had grown stale.  The passion was dead in every relationship I had before within a few months until I met my now wife.  With her, our new memories kept getting better.  Our first dates were amazing but the hundreds of dates we have had since then are all that good or better.  I even cried at a movie we went to after being together for a year because I was so happy.  The original vision I had as a kid of being with the perfect girl was now real.  Now I will try to tell you how hard I worked to get there.

Are you ready to start looking for love?

I hope what I have written has helped just a little bit with your quest to start looking for love.  Signing up for match.com was the largest single step since I had thought to actively start looking for love.  If you want to get started meeting new people and make sure more people can see this post, sign up for match using this link now to get a three day free trial. When you do, Match will give me a few dollars as a thank you for generating your subscription and I will be able to put this post into more paid advertising. When I put this post into more paid ads, I can make sure people read this instead of the bad information I got when I needed help. If you want to chat with me about your situation, you can also schedule a Skype call here.

better at dating

What can I do to get Better at Dating and to Find Love?

You tried get better at dating and failed.

That’s okay because I did too!  Now you tried again and failed.  How do you keep going and try to get better at dating without giving up?  You have to have faith that the reward you stand to gain is worth the punishment you are taking to get better at dating.  Dating is incredibly difficult for most people and was especially so for me.  I knew I would have given anything to be better at dating for most of my adult life.  The more than you have to offer, the harder it is.  This is why celebrity relationships are so often terrible.  To find an equal for them tends to be nearly impossible.  Be lucky that it is easier for most of us than that.

You just have to keep trying over and over again until you get better at dating.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while hoping to get a different outcome.  Genius is knowing when the insanity will give way to what you are looking for.  Here’s a simple recipe that should help going forward with getting better at dating .

1)       Start with thousands of introductions.  This is easiest with an online dating profile on match.com or other larger dating sites.  Get yourself out there and in front of as many of the people you want to attract as possible.  Err on the side of quantity over quality to be better at dating.  Often the unintended results will get you what you want and be a huge leap forward in being better at dating.

2)       Look for mutual interest.  Absolutely nothing else matters to begin and you can never be better at dating until you focus completely on mutual interest rather than just your own.  You have to have them interested in you and be interested in them.  People often are not single for a long time and situations change quickly.  Try not to spend time on anything except finding and diagnosing mutual interest to begin.  In fishing terms, you want a lot of lines in the water in different places around the lake.  Once you have done this, you spend all of your energy in places where the fish are biting.  Spend no time holding your rod in your hand waiting for a bite.  In dating terms, spend the majority of your time putting yourself out there, getting noticed, and responding to people that show mutual interest.  Match.com made finding mutual interest a lot easier for me with their “wink” and messaging systems.  Joining Match is probably one of the easier things you can do to get better at dating.

  1. Case Study: On match.com, I met my wife by sending hundreds of winks to girls that met my basic search criteria which was based on age, location, education, desire for kids, and not smoking.  As long as they looked like they might be cute in the picture, I winked at them. This took very little time and energy.  Once I got a wink back, I would take a look at the profile and read everything.  If there was something I did not like, I would move on.  On my wife’s profile, I was impressed and sent her a message.  She sent me one back and we quickly made a lunch date or first meeting depending on which one of us you ask.

3)       Once you have found mutual interest, seek to get a one on one meeting in person as fast as possible but not immediately.  Take a little bit of time to see if you can communicate on a basic level and then take the first opportunity to get some time for just the two of you to get to know each other.  This is especially important for online dating and critical for being better at dating.

  1. Fail study: I met an ex on Plenty of Fish.  I made the mistake of talking to her for weeks before meeting in person because I was literally try to get a date before I even moved to Tampa for graduate school.  After all of the talking we did online and on the phone, it was easy to dismiss the feeling I had as soon as I saw her of disappointment.  She was not as pretty as I had hoped and she had no confidence.  If I had not invested all of the time and energy I did into talking with her beforehand, it would have been very easy for that to be just one date.  Instead, what I got was a lame three month relationship which neither of us needed.  She and I both wasted each other’s time.  If I had not been so interested in what role I had wanted her to play in my life, I could have seen she was not right for me and I was not right for her.  She felt I was better than her and I agreed.

4)       After getting to know each other a little bit, plan to continue forward as if it is a marathon rather than a sprint.  Pace yourselves with dates and getting intimate to show you are better at dating then you were when you were younger.  You want to build a strong foundation and not rush the early courting process.  The faster you fuck and start staying together every night, the harder it will be to leave if it is not a healthy relationship.  Take the getting to know you dating time as an opportunity to do your due diligence about the person you are considering doing more with than being friends.  Prior to any concrete verbal or online agreement between the two of you, do not assume that either of you is just limited to dating each other.  Being better at dating means good communicating on both sides.  Getting to know someone takes time and neither of you should close down your options until you know it is the right thing to do.

  1. Case Study: With my wife, we felt the pressures of society and dating on our relationship.  Our first two dates were the best ever for us both.  On our third date, I thought we had to sleep together for it to mean things were going well.  On our third date, she promised her friends she would not do exactly that.  I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said she did not want to rush into anything.  This actually increased my desire to be with her greatly and both crushed me in feeling like I was coming in second place.  She left at [12:30] and I was fall down drunk by 4 am that night.  I felt like I was coming in second and like I could do better than her.  Still, she was such a catch that I was willing to put up with a lot more pain than usual.  At this point is exactly where I had failed in the past and had stopped dating girls if they did not want to go further.  This time, I made up my mind that if one of us was going to screw this up it would not be me.  After several more dates, we committed to each other and lived happily ever after.  If I had understood the importance of pacing myself better, it would have not been so difficult for us both.

5)       Find out basic incompatibilities prior to commitment and make a clear exit when you find them.  Foundational issues such as having kids, pets, smoking, drinking, money, family, history, and whatever else is critical to know should be found out as fast as possible before you are in over your head.  Being better at dating means asking these questions directly or indirectly prior to or soon after committing to be exclusive.

  1. How do they feel about children?  If you want kids and they do not, why bother going any further?  Being better at dating means wasting as little of your time and everyone else’s time as possible.
  2. How long have their parents been married?  Often people are fundamentally incompatible in the way they see relationships if there are differences in how their parents handled their relationships.  Naturally there are exceptions but generally if you want to be happy, your parents should have a similar situation to your match’s parents.  That means if they are still married to each other, yours should be to.  If your parents got a divorce when you were younger, your ideal match should come from the same type of family.  When one person has parents divorced and the other’s parents are together, it can be difficult to look at the future the same way.
  3. How do they feel about key issues that matter to you?  The is the place to bring up pets you have or want to have, smoking, drinking, living arrangements, and more.  Ask what matters to you and they should return by asking what matters to them.
  4. What baggage do they bring to the table that will impact you? Do they have kids, debt, exes, sexually transmitted diseases, outstanding warrants, or anything else that you would not want to find out about later?  Make sure you can handle their baggage and they can handle yours upfront if you have issues like this to deal with.  You never want to bring these issues up on the first date but trust me in saying that it is better to find out about things like an ex-husband, kids, or student loan debt prior to having sex.  You want to be with someone by choice.  Some people’s baggage is not for everyone.  The older you get, the more baggage you will tend to have and the more important it is to communicate about it at early as possible.  My wife and I both brought student loan debt to the table and I was happy we both knew going in that our finances would have to be handled with care.

6)       Once you have done your due diligence and made the commitment to be together, go forward boldly.  It is better to fail quickly and try again than to get divorced twenty years later when your kids are in college.  Take trips out of town together and meet each other’s family.  Once you are committed, go for it full speed and know that being better at dating just starts to get challenging when you meet the right person!

Thank you for reading this post on how to get better at dating!  I hope it has been helpful and to see you again soon on my website!

For more posts on being better at dating, check out the dating and love categories on my website!  If you want to chat with me about how to be better at dating on Skype, schedule a Skype call by clicking here.

be a good girlfriend or boyfriend

How to be a Good Girlfriend Or Boyfriend Made Really Simple!

If you want to learn how to be a good girlfriend or boyfriend, it is ridiculously easy.

To be a good girlfriend or boyfriend, all you have to do is give what you want to get.

Why is it so hard to figure out how to be a good girlfriend or boyfriend that it is one of the top search terms on Google?

I think it is really difficult to learn because most of us make it so complicated and look for only concrete tips we can put our hands on instead of focusing on what we can control through our thoughts.  I know I was often a really crappy boyfriend and in return I got girlfriends that were not the best too.  The big text above is all you need to know about how to be a good girlfriend or boyfriend.  I will share some bullet points below that give more concrete tips.

  • If you want your girlfriend or boyfriend to love you, do your best to love them.
  • When you want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be a better listener, see what you can do to be a better listener.
  • Does your girlfriend or boyfriend do something that drives you crazy?  Figure out what you do that drives them crazy and see what you can do about it.
  • Will your girlfriend or boyfriend make you jealous by talking to other people?  Why can’t you talk to other people too?
  • How do you tell your girlfriend or boyfriend you love them?  The same way you would want them to tell you.

At the same time, doing anything to your girlfriend or boyfriend that you would not like will often come back to you.  If you want to be a good girlfriend or boyfriend, avoid doing any of these things.  If you can’t, you might consider breaking up.  Most people are not meant to be together.  It usually takes a lot of effort to find the right person.  Bad behavior is a sign you are not ever going to be a good girlfriend or boyfriend.

  • Believing, feeling, acting like, or telling the other person you are better than them.  If you are doing this, a lot, you may need to see other people.
  • Not listening to what the other person has to say.  If they do not listen to you back, how can you communicate?  I think communication is the single most important factor in any relationship.
  • Talking bad about your girlfriend or boyfriend to other people.  While it is reasonable to share struggles you are having yourself, if you are putting down the person you are with to others, what does that say about you?

Being a good boyfriend and finding a girl that would be a good girlfriend was the single most difficult thing I ever tried to do.  You can read more of my posts about dating and love to get the entire picture!

Thank you for reading this post about how to be a good girlfriend or boyfriend and I hope it was helpful!

 

found true love

10 Ways to Know if You Have Found True Love!

If you want to know if you have found true love, I have created a few questions to help you decide.

These questions are intense and meant to make you think about the tough things in life.

  1. Are you consistently happier when you spend time with your match than when you are spending time not with them?
  2. Are you physically attracted to your match more than 99% of other options?
  3. Does your match make you a better person?
  4. Do you make them a better person?
  5. If your match died in a car accident today, do you think you could do better the next time?
  6. If you died in a car accident today, do you think your match could do better than you next time?
  7. Do you feel relief when you get to spend time by yourself?
  8. Do you feel you are happier with your match when you first dated as compared to how you feel now?
  9. Are you afraid of cheating or being cheated on?
  10. If you died today, would you be happy with never having dated anyone else?

If you have found true love, you might have answered yes to the first four questions, no to the next five, and yes to the last question.

If the first time you went through this you answered must differently, you might not have found true love or this might just be a load of crap I made up.  I wrote this hoping to help you see if you have found true love so that you can either give your true love everything you have or start on a new quest to make sure someday you have found true love.

Here is a quick explanation for each question.

  1. If you want to spend your life with someone, you damn well had better like spending time with them more than not having them around.  This does not mean you need to spend every second together but it means the time you do spend together should mean a lot to you.
  2. Everyone notices attractive people regardless of what position they are in.  The difference is that when you are with the right person, you notice their attractiveness above all because they are right for you.  This does not mean they have to be the most beautiful person by everyone’s collective judgment in the room at any time.  It means you should always be proud to take them out regardless of what other people think and they should feel the same about you.  It means if you answered no that you are not with someone that is attractive enough for you.
  3. The right person will motivate you to be the best you can be.  They do not have to force you to change because they inspire you to do it yourself.
  4. The same applies for them.  When you are around and even when you are not, they try to be the best they can be.  This does not mean perfect but it means continued growth.  If being with you makes someone crazier, meaner, or more selfish, run!
  5. Death in a car accident is one of the most likely ways to die young.  If you honestly think you could do better with another chance, why wait?  Get started looking now!
  6. If you really think that the person you are with could do better than you, let them!  I know I am not a perfect husband any day of the week but I know that the odds of my wife finding a man that could make her feel how I do are near zero.  For the girls I dated before, I am confident they can or have found a man that makes them happier than I did.
  7. When one my exes used to leave for the day, I always felt like I could breathe again.  When my wife leaves, I feel like a big part of my happiness goes with her.  When she is not home for the night, I have to try hard to distract myself and usually it does not work.  I get sad quickly if I do not have time with my wife.  If you feel relief when you get time to yourself, you are not with the right person!  The right person will naturally give you enough space.
  8. People often get addicted to new relationships because after that the flame tends to go out.  The faster the flame goes out, the more wrong you are for each other.  The longer it takes to go out, the harder it is to accept.  If you are with the right person, the relationship gets hotter as you get to know each other more not less.
  9. I have absolute faith in my wife and she in me.  I spend so much time romancing her that I have no time or energy for anyone else.  I get her flowers every time the last flowers I got her die.  We go on dates several times a week.  There just is not enough time or energy for either of us to have someone else in our lives.
  10. This is a tough one but it can help reveal the truth if you made it through the other questions successfully.  If you genuinely feel you would be happy with never dating anyone else, you are in the right relationship.  I remember always feeling like there were more girls I wanted to go out with and feeling depressed when I thought of marrying my girlfriend in college that I would never get to go out with them.  How wrong I was!  Now I know that if I can go out with my wife for the rest of my life, I will be happy and there is nothing else I am missing out on when it comes to dating.  The funny part is the closer I got, the more unprepared I was for the reality.  I had the electric moments previously dating but with my wife, it was more like an explosion of energy.  I had felt passion before but this is beyond belief now.  This is what I want you to know that you have or know that you don’t have.

Thank you for reading this post to figure out if you have found true love!

I hope you will also enjoy the other posts I have written in the dating and love categories!  The current favorite is Are You Dating The Right Person or Not? Top 5 Ways to Verify!