You are about to experience an awesome quick mini communications course, emphasizing the value of clear is kind feedback.
This will help you as it helps me to avoid a lot of unnecessary confusion, problems and hurt feelings by having the courage and the guidance to share exactly what you mean. Instead of not saying it.
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The basic idea is that you want to be as clear as possible with people and that anything less makes everything more difficult for others, for example, and the typical scenario we hear about with some maybe a partner putting on some clothes and saying “How do I look?” -Clear is kind.
If you don’t think those clothes look good if you don’t think that outfit is right for them if you’re not willing to just be clear about it and say that, it often means there’s a lack of trust in the relationship.
It means that you don’t trust the other person to handle your honest opinion, even if it is just of the moment.
When I find is that when I’m honest with another person, it shows I’ve got a lot of trust in them that they can take the truth. For example, I recently hired a freelancer on Upwork, the freelancer did very low quality work, charged three times more than a different Freelancer who was doing the same thing.
I immediately ended the contract and applied the clearest kind of principle for communications. I said, Look, I’m not happy with the work that was done and I’m taking responsibility, I didn’t provide the clear enough guidance. I think you might want to do something else given the quality of the work here. Also, there’s another person, I’m working with charging a third of what you’re charging. And I’m not interested in continuing this contract, because I think there’s something else you can do this better with your time.
I’m so grateful I did that because I didn’t do that before and I learned the hard way. I hired a freelancers, same scenario, except this time, instead of going straight for the clear as kind feedback with them, I spent $8,000. Avoiding just telling them, what you’re producing is not very good, I don’t think people are going to want to watch it. And I think you could do something better with your time.
Wow, I could have said that.
But instead, I had them make a nearly 10 hour video course, that I didn’t feel good enough about to even publish it or try and make much of an effort to sell it anywhere else.
I hope this makes a clear example of the cost of not just being clean with people.
I wish in dating girls would have just been clear with me instead of giving me fake phone numbers or leading me on and just said, “Look, Jerry, you’re a nice guy, but I’m already dating somebody else, I’m not interested in keeping your phone number in case I don’t date this person so I’d rather not exchange phone numbers”
Wow, that would have been just an awesome, honest experience.
What I see is that when I don’t trust somebody, and when I’m in fear, I often will avoid saying anything that might potentially make them uncomfortable.
I also find that when I’m willing to face a little discomfort right now, I can often avoid a big discomfort later, as in calling the fake phone numbers.
Sometimes it seems like these little things we could do, like just give somebody a fake phone number is harmless but we don’t like being on the other end of stuff like that.
We don’t like being the one who gets the fake phone number, we don’t like being the one who is dating someone who’s not honest with us. Because if they’d have been clear upfront and said, -Yes, I’m dating five people right now, do you want to be the sixth?
We probably would have said no, no, I don’t want to be the sixth person on your phone call list here, you’re only going to call when you get drunk.
A lot of us just aren’t in a place where we can be that honest with people, which makes it a difficult world and what I find is I’m very attracted to people who are very clear with me today.
My wife is very clear with me, if she doesn’t like something, she says it, she doesn’t hold back, she lets me have it.
I love that because that involves a high level of trust and I do the same with her.
What it helps also with is to get to any issues I have, if I’m being very critical and judgmental of her appearance, I need to let her know that so she can help me see that I might want to work con myself.
If I think every dress she wears looks fat, makes her look fat, then there may be an issue with me being overly judgmental, and having some issues myself.
When I say and I bring out that comment, it helps us to get into that and look at it.
If I had to do most of the things over in my life again and have been difficult and uncomfortable, I can see that being clear right up front would have avoided a lot of difficulty.
For example, the police department I worked at where I had a bunch of issues, if they’d have been clear with me and I’d have been clear with them up front, we probably wouldn’t have worked together. If they’d have just said, well, Jerry, we want to hire you because other people keep leaving, because this is a boring job and I could have told them well, that’s great. I have a hard time keeping a job because I drink so much that I end up coming in hung over to work and causing drama at work, then the police department might have said, Jerry, why don’t you go get some help for your alcoholism. And then maybe you can work here.
Instead, we went through years of drama, because neither of us, the police department nor me, were clear about the things we really needed to be clear about.
The things most important to us we often don’t bring up.
This can be really helpful for dating in a relationship, especially because things like sex can be very difficult to talk about and I find that when I’m very clear about it, it works good with my wife. And the other way too. I asked her “Hey, I’m in the mood tonight. How about you?” She says “No, I’m not in the mood”. Okay, well, that’s easy enough. We brought up we talked about it and so “when do you think it will be good for you next?”… “How about tomorrow afternoon?” -Okay, that sounds good.
Instead of all these action expectations and then discomfort, all this unquiet. So I challenge you the next time, there’s a difficult situation, be very clear about it.
I will say that it’s okay, if this doesn’t go well, immediately up front sometimes, you may say something and someone may get offended.
What do you think of me? -I think you’re a selfish stuck up jerk and I don’t want you around anymore. Wow, that came out very clear, didn’t it?
That’s okay, if sometimes that’s what comes out because that will encourage you look in and say, Wow, why is it so easy for me to think people are selfish jerks?
Is that the kind of person I want to be? How can I have a little more loving and tolerant attitude towards people?
Thus, it’s good to get out these things that we don’t like and put them out in the open so that we can look at them and work at them.
I’m grateful today I have a very clear and peaceful life because I hit people with the clarity, I assume I have trust with people. And to me, no one on this earth is important enough for me to lie to you. You can handle my truth. And if you don’t like it, well, that’s your problem.
Clear is Kind feedback, I asked anyone who works with me today to be very clear.
I work with freelancers and I asked “Look, if you don’t like doing something just tell me you don’t like to do it, tell me you don’t like to do it instead of it just not getting done and me wondering what’s going on? Just say look, Jerry, this is really boring task. I hate it. Can you find somebody else who maybe it won’t bore them so much to do it? Or maybe it’s more fun or once you do it yourself?” about that.
Thank you for making it all the way to the end of this video. I’m Jerry Banfield, I’m a full-time YouTuber, and I applaud my audience on YouTube who lays the clear feedback on me, “Jerry, your channel sucks”. “Your business is terrible”.
The YouTube comments really are an example of the clearest kind of feedback.
I take that as -Wow, I’m great. I’m glad you trust me enough to really lay it on me.
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Thank you for watching this. I will see you in the next video.
I love you!