Why I'm Sharing This Journey
If you're a divorced dad in your 40s that wants to date and have another family with more kids, I'm here, I'm on that exact journey right now, and I'll describe all that I've learned over the last six months to hopefully make this easier for you. Because this has been challenging and brought me to my limits, and yet I've learned so much and I'm excited to share with you. I have a lot of people I'm accountable to, and that helps me massively. So let me share my journey with you. So I didn't plan on being in this situation. I am 41 years old. I have two kids, a 10 year old daughter and a 7 year old son, and I have an ex wife that we met 15 years ago.
A big part of that accountability comes from talking with other men who get it, and if you want that kind of honest sounding board, you can join Jerry Banfield Family to work through what's actually going on in your dating and life.
We dated and were married 13 years. I was very surprised. We were getting divorced, and yet we had grown apart, especially on the issue that I wanted more than two kids. I said on my match profile, I wanted three kids, definitely. I had talked about four kids at one point, but my ex just cut things off and said no more kids after our son. I tried to be okay with it for years, but every time we'd have an argument, I'd always bring up the more kids thing. Then when we actually got divorced, it's like, great, now I've got the opportunity to find a woman. And have more kids with, it's been quite a challenge in dating.
So I'm going to share some of the things women have said to me and some of the key takeaways I've got for this process.
Why Dating Apps Stopped Working For Me
First, I've found dating apps have not been very good because while you can filter for women who want children, and I did go out with a few women who wanted children, the time I spent on dating apps felt it was draining. There was so much swiping. There was so little response. Now, even though I've been on dating apps for a long time, I've been on dating apps for a long time. Like I'm a good looking guy. I'm five foot 11. And yet something, the dating apps are not working for most guys because there's often three times as many guys. And I swear if you want, if you're a guy that wants kids and has kids, you're competing against all these guys that don't have kids.
And women are often not just women, but people are often being very superficial on dating apps. So what to me, I've had my best results like meeting women in person, because that the vibe of dating apps is so superficial. And I've had my best results like meeting women in person, give off, and the dad vibe really can make awesome chemistry in person. Some of the best conversations I've had with women have been in person, whereas the dates I got on dating apps weren't very good.
The Strategy I Recommend Most: Matchmaking
However, the number one strategy I'd actually recommend is to consider matchmaking. So I've actually got a matchmaker and some of the best dates I've had have been on Talkify, which is America's largest matchmaking company. And they're consistently able to find me women who want kids who are okay and happy to date me even though I'm already divorced and I already have kids. I've done some videos like I did a video about my third Talkify date that I, so you can get an idea of how that goes. So it's called my first date with my third Talkify match. And I got my third Talkify match. So these talk about the matchmaking process a little bit.
And I talk about why I don't recommend dating apps. I got a bunch of videos on these things. However, the key takeaway is it's it often when I was married, I kind of got away from doing dating for a long time and dating now, if you've had a family and been married and been off the market for quite a while, dating now is drastically different than it was back when you met that first wife. And this has been quite an adjustment for me. And the dating apps, for example, I met my first wife on match com. But back then, when I ran the search criteria, there were twice as many women in my area that met the search criteria compared to men.
I walk through these matchmaking dates and the lessons from each one in my Dating playlist, so you can see how the process really plays out.
If this shift feels familiar, I dug into it more in I Can't Date Like I Did 15 Years Ago, because the whole landscape has flipped since most of us were last single.
And now it is the exact opposite direction, which means it's five or 10 times harder to successfully match than it was back then. So today, the opposite of a dating app is being out in person. And so for me, I'm out in person, but at the same time, it gets to be annoying and stressful for me to go somewhere with just the purpose of meeting women.
Turning My T-Shirt Into a Lead Magnet
So my latest strategy I've done is I started wearing these t shirts when I go out that says dear single ladies, I'm a YouTuber with, two kids who wants more, give me your phone number. So this allows me to just be passively places like yoga, or coffee shops, or taking a walk in a park and my shirt is a lead magnet that then sets me up to get women to speak to me directly. And this is addressing the problem that if you are a man who's divorced, who wants more kids, this, is a niche, this is not most women in dating, this drastically narrows down who you're going to be able to date.
And on dating apps, that means I swear when I was matching women, or messaging, it was so much easier, I tested it, it was so much easier to get a date without wanting kids, like I literally took wanting kids off my profile and search for all women, I literally got a match with an attractive girl within two hours. Whereas I'd been struggling to get a date with a I didn't even get one girl I was attracted to putting in hours and hours across multiple dating apps when I was wanting kids, and only filtering that but literally, I got a date with the hottest girl I'd met on a dating app since my ex in two hours.
So right now, the dating apps are optimized generally, for, guys that want kids, it is in a rough position, but there's no harm. You could lose some time, but testing the dating apps in your specific area could be worth it. But generally, this is not going to work. So I'm not going to be able to get a date with a high value man. And this is why I did a video saying dating apps are a bad deal for high value man.
If You're a High Value Man With No Time
Now, if you are a father, and then you have income, and you actually show up for your kids, you are a high value man, like that is a man that's adding value to the world that is doing something useful who works as kids, your main problem is you don't have much time to actually date. And dating apps can be really attractive. Because when you've got time at night, you can just sit there and swipe. Or heart. But where you really want to be is out with women in real life. So best place to be out with women are any kind of like sober event or like some of these community, light and love like hippie events.
These can be really nice places to meet women who want kids. I met several very attractive women that I had very fantastic conversations with at these kinds of events locally. That was actually the best strategy I used before the matchmaking service. And I think that's what I use to meet women. And the nice thing is even if you don't meet women, it can be a good time. Now I got tired of going to those events. Because I don't like just going somewhere for the purpose of meeting women specifically, because then if I don't meet a woman, I feel like I wasted my time. So it is nice if you can put yourself in situations to naturally be around women, like when I go to yoga class.
The problem is today that I used to be I used to approach women all the time, like 1520 years ago, I just go up and get phone numbers everywhere I constantly go. And I'm like, I'm not going to be able to meet women at this time. And I'm like, I was trying to be a pickup artist, like I just go up and say whatever I need to get a girl's phone number, then call and ask on a date. But today, that doesn't work as well. I got one yoga studio, they said they asked me to stop talking to women at that yoga studio, because a couple of women complained.
And like, I didn't do anything like I literally was just saying hi, and like giving compliments, and then I asked for a couple of phone numbers. And to these days, some women are super sensitive about being approached, and they quickly will create a fuss about whatever business you're in, which is annoying, because other women really do want to be approached. And if you're looking for women that will be happy that you have kids, and see that as a sign of validation that, this guy already has some kids, then you need to be filtering and getting out around as many women as possible, which is why to me, anything you can do to signal like, oh, I'm going to be a pickup artist, I'm going to be a shirt is a very good strategy.
Now, I talked to a guy yesterday, he's like, I'd never wear a shirt like that. I wouldn't have the balls to wear a shirt like that. And I think, well, if you really want something in life, aren't you going to do what it takes to get it? Like, I really want another family and marriage. And I enjoyed that last one. And I want another one. So wearing a shirt is like, that's all I have to do. Like, I'd much rather wear a shirt. Now this shirt, I just bought a t shirt and markers and hand wrote on it. But you could pay to have one made more professionally.
And if your mind's like, that's crazy, I'd never do that. It's like, how bad do you want this next family? And for me, one of the hard things, after years of arguing with my ex and wishing she would have more kids and compromise and wishing arguing my with myself wishing that I could compromise and saying, I already have two kids that are healthy and amazing. Like, why do I need more? After all that arguing, then there have been times when I've thought what, I don't even need I don't need that second family. I don't need any other kids, the kids I have enough. And while that's true, I do want more.
And today being a man that is fertile and active and healthy and is contributing life. These are very valuable things that you have to offer to humanity. And thus, if it takes wearing a t shirt or paying for a matchmaking service, to me, it's worth it or going to events where the kind of women that you want to meet are there.
Asking People I Know For Introductions
Also, what I've found is asking people for advice, asking the people I do know, like, hey, do you know a woman who would like to have kids and would find me attractive and would be able to live a healthy, sober lifestyle with me? Do you know anybody like that? Now, I've had some friends give me phone numbers and connect me with people. I've also just asked out and asked the girls I've already known that met that criteria. I've been willing to get told no, I've got lots of first dates that didn't lead to second dates. So one of the key things is you do not want to have your time wasted.
Because if you're a guy that's got kids and work, you can't afford to waste your time doing things like putting hours and hours into dating apps that go nowhere and where people are incompatible. If you're a busy dad trying to figure out your own next step in dating, you can join Jerry Banfield Family and we'll talk through exactly where you're at.
Getting Clear On My Non-Negotiables
Thus, on first dates, I don't want to go too deep on first dates, but I always make sure they know I'm sober, I have two kids, and I want at least two more kids. And we should not do anything else if you're not on board with all that stuff. So it's really important. It's been important for me to get super clear on what exactly is absolutely non negotiable for me. And for me, I want more kids. I want a healthy lifestyle. And you got to be okay with the kids I already have. And you got to be okay with my work as a YouTuber. If you don't like that my videos are public, and then I talk about things that are very personal, then we don't need to date.
So if you have considerations like that, putting those up there out front as a filter is ideal. Because the worst thing you can do is wait. Waste your time with some girl where the things aren't right and they're not going anywhere. I know a girl who's very attractive. And she wanted a guy that would marry her and have more kids with her and have a house with her. And she struggled to even find a guy that matched these criteria because she didn't like using dating apps. And she ended up settling for a guy who didn't want kids and couldn't have any more kids. And he didn't want to move in with her or get married.
And so she just settled and they broke up and they had this on and off relationship. And now she's just given up on most of the stuff she's wanted. And it's years later. And where the thing is, though, where were you going to meet her because she's so busy that, she either is out doing things with her child, or she's at work, or with her family. So there weren't a lot of opportunities to meet a girl. But where could you meet a girl like that? You can meet her out at the playground. But if you're out at the playground, and a lot of times when you're out doing kid activities, people aren't going to realize that you are a single dad.
So this is why again, a shirt makes it super clear. Because yes, you might just get lucky. And yes, you do always want to start conversations. Now I normally start conversations, but it's hard to try and start a conversation with a woman when I'm trying to parent my kids and watch some of the playground also. But still, I've started conversations with lots of women. I even back up my phone and I'm like, Oh, I'm going to meet a girl. And I'm like, Oh, I was married. Sometimes I'd get phone numbers just for like arranging play dates. But also it felt like validation. I'm like, I'm gonna just get this mom's phone number, to arrange a play date.
Not that I ever did anything with any of them. But just to feel like I can still do this. But now it my kids are 10 and seven, they're not going to the playground as much. I'm not even around potentially other single moms that much. But when I am out at the playground with my kids, I got this shirt on. Now, if there's another single mom there, like you got to realize some of these single moms that want to have more kids, they really want to meet a man. But it is not very easy for them to meet a man either. So to me, it's up to us as the men to be out there signaling and to be leading.
And again, the shirt makes that easy. But you could do that with a hat. Or you could just do that by consistently starting conversations and very quickly getting into the details. I've had moms I've asked before, like I seen a mom out with their kids. And I'm like, hey, are you single? And then I always look for the wedding. If they don't have a wedding ring, I'm like, you're single. And then they're like, No, I have a partner. I'm like, well, I had to ask at least right. So I've learned that it's up to me to be the women are often not going to just start the conversation for me.
But then it's also challenging because these days, lots of times women that I've interacted with, if you are too enthusiastic, and it can be like after just getting out of a 15 year relationship and having two kids and living on my own again, I was very enthusiastic. For another relationship, very ready, very emotionally available and interested. But then women were reading that energy is like desperate, and overboard. And they were being put off by that some of the exact women that potentially are great matches with me, my energy of being very eager, and came off as desperation sometimes. And then I also didn't have a good level of confidence about being this divorced dad, until I talked to, some women and women said that if you're a woman who wants kids, a dad who already has a family is a very strong positive signal in some cases.
Now, other cases, there'll be women I've seen on dating profiles, they're like, if you have kids, do not message me and or if you have kids move on. So this is why you've got to filter and not take things personally, because some women if you've already got one family are absolutely not interested in being your second family. But the single moms are often very interested in finding a guy that wants to have a second family and blend the families together. The trick is how can you get around them? Dating apps, a lot of single moms don't want to use dating apps either because they have kids and they don't want to have some guy just come over their house and hook up or something.
Lots of single moms I've seen are still going out to bars to try and meet guys, but the problem with bars is you bring alcohol into it and often bars, there's lots of confusion and it's not a good place to really be honest and it can make a weak foundation. Thus, if you don't go out to bars, there are some sober places like Kava or whatever. I don't know if those are. There's other sober bars that are popping up and you can always just walk around. Again, if you've got a shirt or something like this, just walking around where there's a bunch of women around, you never know who you might come across and what kind of conversation might be started.
The more women I talk to, the more unexpected things happen. At the same time, I'm not going, Alcoholics Anonymous has a picnic today and I could wear my shirt there, but I don't like going places just to try and meet women because then my mind and as men, our minds are very objective and goal focused.
Why "Just Be Yourself" Doesn't Work
So many people have told me, well, just be yourself, and when you're not looking, it'll happen. I don't agree with that at all and I made some videos addressing that like the black pill dating is a trap. You don't want to get into this place like where you think it's all about looks and stuff like some of these people are so you don't want to go down that rabbit hole, but also the opposite end of that, like just be yourself doesn't work in dating either. Like just going around and telling people I'm sober and I'm healthy and I've lost all this weight and I have two kids and I want more kids.
Women are just running away from that level of honesty and it can be hard also like when you're putting women on a pedestal and you're like, oh, I don't want to go down that rabbit hole. I don't want to go down that pedestal and which I did. One reason my ex loved me is because especially when we were first together, I really put her on a pedestal and she really liked that and when I stopped doing that, things didn't work as well. So it really helps to kind of level yourself up as a man and then to really get your single life down so well that when you do meet a woman who might be right, you can meet her with a level of energy that's just right.
You don't want to be too withdrawn or whatever. But you also want to be like comfortable that if it doesn't work out, that's okay. So I had three dates on Talkify and the first three of these dates, like I was way too eager. I was starting to like fantasize already like, oh my God, the second wife, this is going to be great. We're going to have awesome life together. And the problem is what I've found is sometimes I'm trying to make my next family validate my divorce. That in my mind, it's like if I should have just stayed married and done anything to make the marriage go away, I'm going to have to work.
If I can't get a second family, then I should have done a better job of the first one. And that's an invalid argument because in most cases, most of us tried. I did everything, not everything, but I put a lot of work in to try and be the best husband I could be with my first wife. And I still, see my kids almost every day. I have them at my house three nights a week for overnights. I take them or pick them up from school almost every day. And I tried with my ex, both of us. For years to make things work. And I've found that, my mind is like a bit too goal oriented on the second family that it needs to be urgent.
We need to get that because that'll validate how things went with the first family. And it's like, well, it's how even if I never got to start up the second family again, I'll be okay. Because for me now, I'm grateful that as a single dad that's not dating anybody right now, I've got time for gaming. Like I played Call of Duty, Black Ops 3. Origin Solo, the Easter egg yesterday. I got, I played that for four hours. Like that's just an incredible amount of time. And I've started five YouTube channels now. Like I got a YouTube coach channel and I've just started all these different channels now.
So I have so much time and I'm grateful for that. So what's helped me is to really lean into getting my single life down where I'm really happy living my life. I don't need a woman in my life. Now, I'm very interested in finding a compatible woman, but I would rather be single than just accept anybody. I tried also just doing like hookups and just accepting, anybody and lowering my standards. And that felt awful. It felt like I was disrespecting myself, that I was wasting their time. And I've got a very firm approach now. Like if I'm not certain you would add a lot of value to my life and I would add a lot of value to your life.
That experience convinced me I'd rather hold out for the right person, which is exactly what I argue in Men: Stay Single, Skip Hookups, and Seek an Amazing Woman.
If we're not both really into each other, then I'd rather be single. I'd rather take the time to do more YouTube videos. I'd rather take the time to make sure I've got that time with my kids. One of the girls I've had since I've been single for a long time, I've had a lot of time with my I met at one of these like, hippie, light, love and light, sober dance events. She told me when I was talking to her, she said, well, I want to have kids, but you already have two kids and you see them like every day. I don't think you'd have time to actually be there for me and the baby that we'd have together.
And I thought about that for a while. And it's like, I have a lot of experience parenting and the kids I have now, I have time to also be there for another woman. Like there's lots of guys that don't have any kids that aren't hardly there for their kids with their first, family anyway. And I, I love kids. I have plenty of time that I can be there for, the second family. And yes, that might mean I end up seeing the kids from the first family a little less, but they're 10 and seven, like they're growing up fast and I can't have a baby anytime faster than like nine months at this point.
If I met somebody today, it immediately got into that. So realistically, I'm going to at least have a daughter who's a teenager. By the time I even start another family and a son that's headed to middle school, like the older my kids get, the less they even need me. They don't need me constantly to be there all the time for everything for them. So I, I don't have to work that much either being on YouTube. I'm looking at like, 30 hours a week of work. Like that's plenty of time and it's working from home and it's a flexible schedule. So it really takes a lot of, like leaning in and getting confident in myself.
And I've had so many conversations with women. I feel like I've just scratched the tip of the iceberg here of all the stuff I've thought about and tested and worked on with being a single dad that wants more kids. So if you'd like to talk much more with me, I can really help in this particular life situation because this is exactly where I'm at. And what's helped me is I've talked with so many other dads who've been through similar things. I've, for every story I shared about myself, I've like five about other things. So if you really want to help through this process, grab my weekly coaching offer, talk with me for 30 minutes every week and share your journey with me.
And that'll totally transform your situation. It's well worth it compared to wasting your time, just throwing it around on dating apps and going to bars and things like that.