I did it, I just ordered the Xbox One X, which will be here tomorrow. I also pre-ordered the PlayStation 4 Pro 1TB Marvel’s Spider-Man Limited Edition System from Gamestop.
Xbox One X and PS4 Pro Coming Soon! What Am I Doing Different with Gaming Again?
If you will enjoy reading and contributing to the discussion for this post, will you please join us on the YouTube video below and leave a comment there because I read and respond to most comments on YouTube?
The question my wife asked me that I’m here to answer with you is, what are you going to do differently this time?
I go to AA every day and I see people come in who have just been drinking or really struggling, or have tried AA before.
It’s something I think about in a lot of the context of AA because it’s obvious if you love drinking so much that it’s a huge problem and you can’t stop even if you want to, you can’t just hope to come to AA meetings and not drink, expect to enjoy life and not eventually change your mind and go back to drinking.
What I’ve experienced is that I have to do things differently if I want a different result.
Thank God with AA, I did that.
I came to AA, I didn’t do anything different to begin with, but then after I got miserable, after about three months and really wanted to drink bad, I started changing things in my life.
I started accepting help and I kept reaching out and asking for help. I continued to read books and develop as much as I can because I realized if I want a happy sober life, that means that I need to do things differently than before when I drank.
In fact, I think the cause of most alcohol problems is dissatisfaction with life sober and the same thing with most drug problems.
Hey, if you can just take a drink and feel good about life, the problem is that you normally don’t feel good about life, and that’s what needs to be addressed.
I’ve thought about this exact thing for gaming because I’ve had a lot of addiction issues with gaming in my life, playing video games.
My wife jokes, “How many gaming systems have you given away?”
I think I’ve given away somewhere between 5 or 10 different gaming systems, Xbox 360, Xbox One, Xbox Elite and PlayStation 4.
I’ve given away a bunch of gaming systems because I would start gaming and stop gaming.
I see that if I’m going to make a difference gaming, if it’s going to be worth it, then I got to do things differently and what is there to do differently?
I’ve been reviewing the last 24 hours:
How was I when I used to do gaming?
What do I want to do differently this time?
In reflecting on a year and a half ago with gaming, I thought mostly about building my following. I thought mostly about how I looked getting the most viewers and trying to be a big deal. That was my primary focus and that led to consistent discomfort from gaming.
Now, yes, I hoped to carry a message of love, hope and faith in gaming.
I hoped to have fun and show what it’s like to have fun gaming, and at the same time, building the idea up that, “Jerry Banfield is this awesome gamer,” and that got to be one of the big things I focused on.
I played games like “League of Legends,” which I didn’t enjoy that much, but I got the biggest number of viewers playing “League of Legends,” so I made that a priority.
There were thousands of people who wanted to play with me and often I would just log on and play by myself, and then try to make elaborate membership options and donation systems for people to play with me on the few times I actually would play with other people.
I’m grateful that so many of you I’ve seen on the live streams actually are still following me after a year and a half of not gaming followed by what I offered before.
What I am doing differently is, I am imagining, focusing on our relationship gaming.
I’m imagining thinking about and making interactions with you, the primary focus of my gaming.
That means, love and joy of gaming together is the main focus for gaming.
That means my kill/death is not my main focus for gaming.
That means how good I look during the stream, rather I look like a noob or some pro player, that is not a primary focus of my gaming.
That means whether I can get the most viewers or not is not the primary focus of my gaming.
That means whether I’m “a big deal” is not the primary focus of my gaming.
That means trying to act and be a gaming celebrity is not the primary focus of my gaming.
It means trying to get in-game with you as much as possible, is the primary focus of my gaming.
It also is conditioned on continuing to put my family first.
When I was playing video games before, I often was doing things like missing a day at Disney with my family, missing bedtime with my wife and daughter to do gaming.
Generally, just letting gaming get in the way of my day-to-day family life.
My wife said that the one non-negotiable thing for me playing video games again is that it is not okay for me to get into video games more than my family.
I’ve had a lot of fear about this because most of my adult life when I played video games, it came first before any relationship, before any job even.
I would go to work primarily so I could go home to play video games, and keep affording to buy video games and live in a place by myself where I could play video games all night instead of being accountable to my parents.
Even living with my parents, I played crazy amounts of video games and missed out on some time with them because I’d be up gaming all night, and then sleep in till 1:00 in the afternoon.
Then, when you have things like your dad die, you think about that, that you could have gotten up with your dad every morning and played three less hours of video games a day and still played five-plus hours of video games every day.
Today, I’m grateful to have the chance to do this again with you in mind, to do this again with my family and friends in mind.
A lot of the biggest pain points last time gaming were the times when I put gaming first, were the times when I felt that selfishness and disappointment where there are bunches of people that want to play with me and here I am grinding out another solo game on “Gorod Krovi” so that I can make a tutorial and try to get views from people who have never heard of me before, who might want to follow me and play with me later, only to wind up disappointed as I stopped playing video games.
I’m grateful for the chance to do this again.
This time, I’m changing everything.
I’m changing the focus off of me and onto relationships.
Now, the time I’ve not spent gaming has been incredibly helpful for that because I assumed that gaming was the problem.
It’s always convenient to just put things like alcohol or gaming, or a relationship, and to just say, “Those are the problem, not me. I can be just how I want to. I am just fine how I am, it’s everyone and everything else that’s causing me a problem.”
What has been a huge lesson I’ve learned over the year and a half not gaming, is seeing that the same characteristics, the same challenges will go with me wherever I go.
You see, I stopped playing video games.
The last time I played “League of Legends” was December 24, 2016.
Technically, I played a Nintendo with my brother once when I visited him.
I haven’t played any Xbox or PlayStation or PC games since 2016.
The behaviors and the focus did not change.
Just because I stopped playing video games didn’t mean I stopped focusing on making Jerry Banfield a big deal.
It didn’t mean I automatically began putting my family first.
Actually, what I did is I immediately started substituting different things for gaming.
I picked up cryptocurrencies and music instead of video games. I discovered that I could play music instead of going to dinner with my family at night. I discovered I could obsess over cryptocurrencies instead of video games.
A lot of the same behaviors that had motivated me to want to quit video games, I ended up putting those into music and cryptocurrencies.
I recently had the humbling realization that doing music, I can’t escape all of these life lessons essentially.
I had this fantasy in my head that I could just play music and be completely comfortable and that I’d never have to struggle again with a work-life balance.
I realized the more I’m getting into the music, that the music will present the same challenges again, maybe not right away and has offered a grace period of just learning and developing a new skill, but I still am intending to do a song or two every week because then, I will have a new album out every month and we can listen to the music while gaming.
It’s a beautiful synergy and I love doing music.
At the same time, I’m listening, I see that you want to play video games with me, collectively.
Video games offer me a chance for better connection, for having fun, for bringing in the biggest potential audience, and doing the most good.
Just sitting here doing music in my studio, that’s nice, but it needs a complement and video gaming is, given my experience, given my skills. I am world class at video games.
Now, there are lots of other people who are too. I’ve played a ridiculous amount of video games in my life. I have tons of skill at video games.
I understand that when I use and show the skills I have and the talents I have, that’s a valuable contribution to the world. When everyone else does that, that’s how we make a beautiful world together.
I realize that with music, I can’t just hide essentially because the more enthusiastic people get about my music, the better my music does, I keep making a song every day and keep cranking out tons of albums, and guess what?
People are going to want live music events.
I already see Taylor on Twitch asking and imagining doing live music events.
I can’t just do music and think that I won’t ever have to deal with any of the same issues.
Then, when I look at it that way, I see I would love to do some more video gaming with a different state of consciousness, with focusing on how may I help you?
With how may I get in-game with you?
How can we have fun together?
Instead of how do you help me?
How do you help me have a higher kill/death ratio?
How do you help me look good and get viewers?
How do you help me earn money and support my family?
Now obviously, there is a synergy. I give as much as I can and obviously, I intend to receive also.
Fortunately, for things like “how do you get priority invites?” for example, if there is a bunch of people that want to play with me, how do I decide whom to play with?
I want to do more big events so we can get as many of us in as possible. One thing that’s awesome I’m imagining is doing an entire battlefield server takeover.
Imagine 64 of us all jumping into an empty battlefield server, I will put it up on the stream, and we will all jump into that battlefield server together.
I think that will be a ton of fun and allow lots of us to play together.
There might be ways we can try to get in the same arena sometimes for Blackout in “Black Ops 4.”
I want to play Zombies with you.
I was awful to try to play Zombies with before. I either demanded high-skill or that you pay me and I understand how that’s offensive.
It wasn’t fair at all either.
I then would often just play by myself, not that I won’t ever play some Zombies by myself.
The main point of gaming though is to build relationships and make connections, for me to actually engage with the chat as much as I can. When I worked so hard to get these huge streams where there are hundreds of people watching, it was hard for me to go back and forth in the chat.
Often, the only thing I would notice are the comments that offended me, which is often not as much of an issue when there is only a smaller number of people watching.
When you get hundreds of people at once, obviously there will be people trying to get attention by just typing anything that gets noticed.
Today, I’m grateful for the chance to do this again with a more collaborative state of consciousness.
On Steem over the last year, I essentially got what I wanted out of gaming.
I got to be a big deal, number one author in terms of most real followers, one of the top investors, one of the top witnesses, people wanting things from me all day every day, “Jerry, read my comment. Jerry, upvote my post. Jerry, vote for me for witness. Jerry, resteem my post. Jerry, talk to me in Discord. Jerry, fund my project.”
I got what I wanted, I got to be a big deal.
What I see in that is there is no joy in that. There is no joy in having a bunch of subscribers and a bunch of followers. There is not even any joy in making money.
Once you have got the basic comforts in life, a nice place to live, it doesn’t have to be fancy, it can be a shack, but just where you don’t get rained on, you could even get rained on.
We really don’t need that much money to be happy.
I’ve had days where I made a lot in Steem.
Now, I didn’t actually sell it, but the value of my Steem account went up hundreds of thousands of dollars one day, empty, devoid of joy.
A lot of the gaming I did before was devoid of joy as well.
Now a lot of it, I had fun.
Now, imagine doing the gaming with more of a focus on fun and we already had a lot of fun gaming before.
I’m imagining that we can do much better.
I’m imagining a much better experience for you, because you are one of the one-percenters who watched this far into the video.
You probably really want to game with me again and I’m imagining that we can make that happen. I’ve got a PlayStation 4 and an Xbox One coming in the mail.
The Xbox will be here first and I’m going to try to get in-game with as many of us as possible, to do some more of those events like the 18-player hardcore free-for-alls, to do things to just have fun instead of trying to do things to impress and to please.
Now that might seem like a subtle difference, but it’s really the biggest difference in the world.
Of course, I am not expecting things to be perfect in the sense. Everything in life has its discomforts and its learning opportunities.
I am expecting things to happen like my wife suddenly needs me and I, all of a sudden, turn off the Zombies game in the stream after just getting started. I imagine there will be discomforts and those are a chance for us to learn and grow together, and to do them for the right reasons essentially. The discomforts that stink are the ones that come out of selfishness, that come out of, “My video didn’t get enough views.”
That’s a stinky kind of discomfort to have, or a discomfort to have where a bunch of people are disappointed in me because I’m not thinking of them.
I’ve noticed that my biggest lesson is to think about you, and not to think about what you can do for me, but what can I do for you, how may I help you?
It’s one thing to make a video and ask how I might help, it’s another to consistently show that on a daily basis.
Thank you very much for continuing on this journey with me, especially if you started following two-plus years ago and you have been really waiting and hoping for more gaming videos.
Here we go, we are going to get lots more gaming videos, lots more gaming live streams.
I’m really excited about this and thank you very much for reading until the end.
If you are excited about this as I am, will you please leave a like on the video?
Because you will feel great knowing you are helping other people find the video and you are giving me the positive reinforcement that, “Yes, I like this Jerry. Please do more of this.”
I love you.
You are awesome.
Edits from video transcript by Michel Gerard at www.michelgerardonline.com.