Yesterday I screamed and got mad at how things were going in Call of Duty. I got all bent out of shape about it and it took hours to fix. I will share the story of that with you right now.
I appreciate honest stories people share going through in their lives. I’ll share what I went through yesterday with the hope that it’s useful for you. I hope that seeing what I go through may be more helpful than me telling you how to fix yourself. Sometimes I think the best way we can share with each other is to honestly share what’s going on with us.
I learn so much when I listen to the problems other people have had and how they fixed them. If I liked how they dealt with it, I can remember it for next time something like that happens to me. This is a good example of how little resistances to life can build up into something oppressive. One negative reaction can feel like depression, anxiety, or a mood disorder.
Yesterday, when I woke up and I was thrown off because I thought I was going to get to do more of my videos and online courses. My friend texted me when I was about to make the video and asked if I wanted to play call of Duty.
I immediately started to feel the not enough shame trigger. I felt like I would not be able to make all my videos for the day. I felt a hurrying feeling like I’m not enough. For most of my life, I lived with that feeling so much I took it for granted. Now, I go about having that feeling peacefully. I notice often when the ball gets rolling it feels like I’m rushing towards my grave. It’s miserable and I lived most of my life to prove that I was enough. I call it when I hit that shame trigger I feel like I need to run fast to prove to everyone and myself that I am enough.
I hit that yesterday. I felt like I was getting validation out of doing these videos. I felt like doing these videos somehow proves that I’m enough to myself. I hopped out of the game in a slight aggravation. I then started to make it work and at first when we stomped the other team several times in a row. Then, we got put in with some really good teams and we got smacked game after game after game.
Often I can take a loss pretty well. I can usually find takeaways form what I learned. Yesterday, I said NO! I want to win and I want to show how good I am. I want to make a good video for everyone else. I started to rage and I hadn’t raged that way in a long time. I yelled out a couple of nasty phrases. One guy shot me through a window and I screamed.
Then I started feeling bad about myself again. Is this who I want to be? Do I want to be this raging 15-year-old who yells at the screen and curses so much his friends are shocked? I wouldn’t want to present that in a video. I behaved in a way right there that I would not be comfortable showing in front of everyone. I wouldn’t want to show that part of me in front of my family, friends, or you.
Today, I try to behave every moment of every day in a way that I would present to you. I try to present myself in a way that I would be comfortable sharing with you in every moment. I work to have a transparent life today. Yesterday I didn’t behave well to seeing I reacted like that.
At any point in this process, I could’ve stopped the ball from rolling. Thankfully I had my support group meeting yesterday so I went there and that helped me a bit to reenter. That helped me because I got to see other people’s problems. I got to listen, to share a little bit and to do some good there. That took the edge off of my bad mood. I was irritated. I was aggravated and pissed off at everyone. I was pissed off at myself.
Talking with other people about our lives, trying to do better, and helping each other took the edge off. It took the edge off it the way like a drink, a date, or a work out used to. I have to do is sit down with a 12-step group and do my best to share and contribute. That takes the edge off the same as those other things did. That makes a big difference.
I called my mom after that on the way to drive up to meet my wife and her friends for dinner. My mom was in a very challenging stage. She was having a lot of physical pain, she was struggling a lot and she was by herself. She lives 700 miles away from me. She was having a hard day yesterday. I did pretty good just listening, loving, and accepting my mom and letting her talk. I prayed to be a good son. Because I had that support group yesterday, I was able to pray instead of going off on her. I prayed that I would do anything to be a good son. I want to be a good son for my mother and a good family member. The lesson in the course of the miracles yesterday was God is the love in which I forgive my mother. Therefore, God is the love in which I forgive myself. I said those things while I listened to mom, it hurt and I was in pain.
By the time I got to dinner with my wife and her friends I was not fit for social consumption. I felt blank inside like I had nothing to contribute and yet, at the same time, I was feeling very present. I was looking around like my daughter Madelyn looks at everything with so much interest, but she doesn’t interact with anything. The nice thing was I felt no obligation to do any chit chat. I just said what I needed to. My wife introduced me to a few of her friends and I said hi. I offered nothing in the way of conversation. Some people might think negatively of that, but I think that gives me more room to listen.
I responded when they asked me questions, but I didn’t say very much. It took me about an hour to warm up and get in sync with my wife and her friends. By the end of the dinner I was a normal, interactive person about the same way I am with my friends.
Now, when I go through things with my friends or rage at Call of Duty, I try to be quiet and ask myself what’s going on. If things are messed up, I ask myself why they are messed up. What is going on in here? Instead of looking out at the outside world and say this sucks, I look inside. I ask what’s going on inside as if I’m the owner of a house that someone’s rented. I open the door and go inside and say what’s going on in here.
Yesterday, I was able to have a good day in a situation where lots of times spiraled out of control. That same exact Call of Duty scenario living with my parents lead to me screaming at them by the end of the night. Then they would be screaming at me. I would keep them up yelling and banging things and getting aggravated.
Today, it’s a miracle to do a little bit better. It’s a miracle to not say that one nasty things to a family member or to get over a bad mood a little faster. If you’re not a good fit for social consumption do not try to fake it. Just be there, look around and wait until you are ready to go.
Yesterday may not sound like much, but it was a big improvement over what I’ve done most of my life. That’s why I share it with you.
I pray today to remember that I am doing my best each moment and that if I’ve done my best there’s nothing more I can do. I pray today to feel like I’m enough and to be aware of when I’ve popped a shame trigger where I stop feeling like enough. I pray today that you have the same opportunities that I have to learn and grow in my life each day. I’m thankful I have the opportunity to withhold the negative comments and forgive myself. I’m thankful that I realize when I did my best and that’s all I can do. I’ll try to do my best in this moment to try and make it a little better than before. I value your feedback on this. I make these posts both for me and for you because in being the best person I can maybe that can be useful for you, too. Thank you and have a great day today.