My whole life I’ve struggled to feel like I am enough. I felt like I needed to be validated in the past and that if I ran fast enough to the future, something in the future would validate me there. I’m grateful that I know that I can only be enough right now. At no time in the past and no time in the future will I be more enough than I am right now. That’s a big relief because when I feel the need that I have to do something to be enough then I get anxious. Then I get into fantasizing about how I’ll be enough in the future. I’m grateful today that I know I can only be enough right now.
I can do my best right now and that’s enough. I can then listen to feedback from the world. That makes me a complete whole individual. I have done a lot of that in my life. I thought that if I make a certain amount of money I will be enough. If I have a beautiful wife, then I’ll be enough or if I a daughter or son then I’ll be enough. You can only be enough right this moment.
It doesn’t matter what you have or what you don’t have. I can feel like I’m not enough right this moment as a dad, as a husband or even here with you. I could feel like because I’m a husband and father then I am enough right now, but what if something happens to my wife or my daughter. I know lots of people who have lost their child. If I’m defining whether I’m enough or not based on what I have in my life then I’m likely to suffer and I’ve suffered and been miserable a lot.
I’m grateful today that I don’t have to keep suffering and keep being miserable. My daughter suffers a lot now. She has pain she experiences like gases or hunger or wet diaper and she suffers. She screams she yells and fights against what exists. That’s normal. That’s how I was as a baby according to my mom and all the way through most of my life. The simple thought that you are good enough today could help you break the cycle of feeling like something needs to change in order for you to be enough.
To feel like you’re enough right now is a miracle, it’s amazing. I’m okay right now and if there’s a desire that’s present like hunger, that’s okay. I don’t have to rush over to eating, I don’t have to rush through this video to feel like I’m enough. I don’t have to make this video and then feel like people watching it makes it enough. I’m grateful that I have a good amount of people watching my video. You are important to all the things I’m doing online. I do them for you and yet, I don’t do them with the intent that you have to validate them. I don’t make the videos with the intent that you have to watch the video for the original value to be worth it. It’s enough that I just sit here and do this today. That’s enough and I’m grateful that you are here watching it. That’s wonderful and amazing and I don’t have to do it with the only joy coming out of it from when you do watch it. Just doing it right now is enough because I am just listening to the words that are coming out of this mouth. It’s helpful just for me in and of itself to do it. That’s the way things are usually done when you do things that are intentional to learn and take care of yourself and then you make it available for other people. In other words, I’m doing the work today. I’m doing this right now and I’m not attached to the result of it.
If no one watches this it doesn’t matter, it’s still good for me to be doing right now. That’s amazing breakthrough in life. I’m sharing this with you with the hope that you can experience the same thing in your life.
Often in my life I would try and do all these things to prove to myself that I was enough. I would try and find a girlfriend to prove that I’m enough. I would try and find a better job or better house to prove that I was enough. If my friend gets a better place to live, then I have to get a better place to prove that I’m enough. At some point I got so miserable try into prove that I was enough I had to face the fact that I wasn’t enough down deep in the core I felt like I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t worthy of love, I wasn’t worthy of happiness. Why?
I had shameful memories I wasn’t looking at and that was a key part of who I was. When I went back and I still use those memories to find gratitude today and to understand that those memories are there as tools. The shameful memories I have in all areas of my life are there as tools now. They are tools for now to be useful for you. They are tools for now to realize I don’t have to keep going through the same thing I was going through since I was an infant. I screamed and cried and wouldn’t take a bottle from my mom. I screamed through childhood when I didn’t get as many Christmas presents as my brother. When I was a young adult I was screaming and being angry. I was angry because men aren’t taught to cry, you get angry. I got mad at girls if they didn’t go out with me because they wouldn’t help me validate myself. I got mad at employers if they wouldn’t help me validate myself by giving me a good job. Then getting mad at my clients online who wouldn’t validate my business by paying me more or not giving me important work to do. I would get mad at Udemy because they wouldn’t validate me by giving me enough students.
That horrible feeling of not enough drives the endless consumption for more. When you don’t feel like you need enough, you need a brief moment where you can feel like enough. The moment after you’re stuffed full from dinner, that brief moment where you feel like you’re enough. Then usually that moment when you feel like you’ve had too much. I’m grateful I feel like enough today and I notice when I don’t feel like enough.
The miracle is to notice the situations that I put myself in to prove I’m not enough. For example, one of my favorite situations to put myself into is being late. How do I end up being late? I’m trying to do too much. Almost every time I’ve been late in the last several years, almost 99% of the time I was trying to do too much. I was trying to stick another video in before my appointment at the gym. I was trying to cram another little bit of work or cram 5 more emails in before I go to dinner with my wife’s family. Then what happens?
You cram all these things in and you try to prove you’re enough that you’re there on time, you care about the other person. You go through the whole day and you get in bed and you can’t sleep. What happens when you can’t sleep? You’re not well rested and you get anxious about falling asleep to be enough tomorrow. Then you wake up the next day and do the same thing over again. It’s insanity. That’s how I lived most of my life. In high school I was great at it. I would wake up with hardly any sleep and all day I would feel like the only way I can prove I’m enough is to do well in school and do well in video games when I get home.
All day I would try to get through the day so I could get home and play video games to prove I’m enough because that’s where I can prove I’m enough. I shoot someone in a game online or I can move characters around. I can prove I’m enough in the video game. Once I start to prove I’m enough in a video game, then I want more and more because I don’t feel like enough. I will sit and play video games until 11 or 12 in the morning because I don’t want to stop feeling like enough.
When I play the video game then I feel like I’m enough. Then I feel like a worthwhile contributing to the team. Then I stay up too late until midnight and then my parents are mad at me. I’m not getting enough sleep. I wake up and I’m cranky the next day. I’m annoyed and aggravated. I put myself in a situation where I’m not feeling like enough and I need those video games and then I’m all tired and cranky and had a long day. I don’t feel like enough. I don’t play well. It doesn’t work out. I’m lucky to even get a moment of satisfaction and feeling like enough. I try to get that moment of feeling like enough. What happens?
The same thing happens over and over again. My whole life has pretty much been the same day and realizing that I must feel like enough today. I can only feel enough today. That means it doesn’t matter what happened before. It doesn’t matter if I had won a Nobel prize before. That doesn’t do anything for feeling like enough today because if I didn’t win the Nobel prize today I have to do things for people every day today. It doesn’t matter what happened in the past, I work to be enough today. When you feel like enough to start with, you’ll do enough to start with. You won’t over commit. When you start feeling like you’re not enough, you’ll do work that proves it. You’ll focus on an appearance more than an actual result. You can see in the beginning of this video I had my shirt off and my daughter in a harness. I think about the appearance of that. I feel good enough now to just be who I am. It was a good enough time to make a video or so I thought, and I respected myself. My daughter was crying and I respected her. I cut the video short and took her to her mom. As long as you accept the idea into your head that you feel like enough you will believe it.
You will get a miracle out of it the same way I did today. This is something I work to do each day. One of my biggest shame triggers is feeling like not enough and I jump into doing too much and anxiety, stress, late, hurrying, and all kinds of miserable states of being. I can’t afford to be in those states of being because I will numb that pain at some point. I will do something to numb that pain and what I do to numb that pain is likely to be worse than the original problem.
I try and live a clean life today where I’m not living in that state of frustration and I see my daughter and she gets into that state of frustration so often. I’m grateful that at 31 years old I have the chance to do something better today. I have the chance to do something that’s peaceful. I can do something where I don’t need a diaper changed. When I’m hungry, I don’t have to flail about. I just go get some food. I try and plan ahead so I don’t get hungry. I’m grateful that I have the chance to live a nice life right here. I’m grateful I have the chance to have it. If you will have it, you can take it. I give you the best of what I know that works for me today and you can have it. Thank you. I pray today that I remember I am good enough today. You can see that key motivation in the video that I remember I’m these things I’m sharing with you. I’m listening to everyone so I’m listening pretty well to myself, too.
I pray today that I act through feeling like enough. That the things I do are based on feeling like enough I pray that in sharing this with you that you have the gift of feeling like enough today regardless of where you’re at in life, what’s going on with you. Regardless of what happened in the past you have the chance of feeling like enough today. Thank you for being here with me. I’m honored you’re here and it means a lot to me. I do these videos as often as I can because I’ve been given so much I hope I can give you even just a little bit of that to use in your own life.