How can I find the right person to love in my life?
The simple answer is you have to look for them, be ready when you find them, and beware of accepting ok or good in place of finding great. For me this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, was to find the right person to love in my life. I’ve never screwed up so much at one thing. I’ve never been as frustrated as with trying to find my now wife. It took, you could argue I started when I was in my teens say around 16. So it took around 10 years to find my wife. Nothing I’ve ever done was so punishing and agonizing and hurtful and just plain more awful at any given time than it was ever good. That is, until I finally found my wife. Then it was amazing after that. I wish when I was younger I had understood that it might take 10 years to really do it right and that I only had to do it right once. How many times you fail doesn’t matter at all. It only matters how many times you do it right and you want to minimize those failures. To break down the steps a little further, let’s talk about the three parts to finding the right person to love in your life.
The first step is just to look. My advice is to look while you’re single. Because it’s a lot more honest than looking while you’re in a relationship. You have to look and I don’t mean to just sign up for a dating site or to occasionally talk to a girl your friend introduced you to or guy, whatever, I’m putting this in my own terms but understand you can put it whatever terms apply to you, it applies across the board. In order to look you have to always have your eyes open, everywhere you are all the time. This means at the crockery store, at work, during your hobbies, and at the times when you’re hanging out with your friends, you should also be doing intentional dating sites in order to just increase the amount of opportunities you have to look. You should always be looking. You never know exactly when the right person might come passing you by. If you’re not looking right then, you have, how would you feel about missing that right person coming by? When you’re looking you want to always be looking. The idea is you want to meet as many people as possible. You don’t want to just have a few long-term relationships because you’re not really getting good, you’re not meeting enough people. The name of the game is to simply meet a lot of people until you find one that’s perfect. And by meet a lot of people I don’t mean like shack up or bang a lot of people or have a lot of relationships, I mean just get to know and talk to someone for 30 minutes, an hour, a few hours. If you’ve read any of Malcolm Gladwell’s books, Blink I like is a very good analogy for this. You want to get very simple snapshots of someone. There’s so many things and again I don’t mean dirty snapshots, I mean just a quick blink you know a quick look at who they are as a person. That first impression and I’m talking especially in person for this. In person is critical. So if you’re using a dating site the objects is to just get a quick lunch kind of meeting. If you are playing games online, like playing online games or whatever else you can do online like social networking you gotta get an in person interaction out of it because you, your brain and your body can tell you so much in such a short period of time just by seeing someone in person that you can’t get online through your Facebook pages or your video game conversations if you’re you know gaming with a person you might be interested in, or from a dating website. That quick in person meeting can tell you so much that you want to know immediately that you use the least amount of time as possible.
Now I’m explaining something that’s very emotional and I’m explaining it in rational terms so that you can take action on it. So this means you want as many quick in person meetings, you want to take as many thin slices of getting to know someone as possible in the shortest period of time. That means if you can meet one or two new people you might be interested in being the love of your life, if you could meet one of two of them every day, the odds of you finding the right one faster drastically increase. I mean they just rocket through the roof. When you have greater odds of being successful. When you’re consistently putting yourself in a position to be successful, you’re going to eventually be successful. A lot of finding the right person to love is simply about positioning. And I don’t mean like positioning on top of them or anything, I mean putting yourself in the right position to meet them. And the key is you just have to meet them. What’s difficult about looking is that you get snagged up on people that are good, or that are okay or even that are bad. They might have given you a great first impression, but the problem is you get caught up with these people that are holding you back, that are preventing you from finding a great person. If you and them aren’t that great together, then you are hurting both of you by being together. If you meet each other and you’re not that impressed, then it’s hurting both of you to be together and you just want to make it clear to them then that that’s not going to work and you want to move on. This is really difficult because most of us aren’t wired to be single forever. Being lonely is one of the worst feelings I’ve had my whole life. It’s really easy to just look at someone and say, well I think they might work but that’s not what you want to be happy for the rest of your life. You want someone that’s just amazing, that you love and you say I don’t want to be with anyone else out there, I don’t care who else comes along. That’s what you want to look for. Imagine being with someone that’s okay or even good and then seeing someone great come along that you could have been with and saying wow I really screwed up by not being with them. What a lot of people do then is just try to get with them anyway and you’ve just created a mess at that point. You want to keep your life simple and clean and that means you want to always be looking for someone great to come along and you don’t want to have anything holding you back which means relationships or exes, any baggage, you want to be free and clean so when the right person comes along you can be ready to be a team member with them.
So when you’re looking, you want to look and you want to meet as many people until you find that one where you’re body and mind and soul all say yes, wow, yes, go for it, and what’s important, that’s only 50% of the deal. The other person has to be thinking the exact same thing. How you feel doesn’t make a damn bit of difference if the other person doesn’t feel the same way. Now more often than not, people will feel the same way about each other if they’re being honest and openly communicating. In other words, if you’re talking with me and I’m being honest and open with you, we should both be on the same page, we should both be telling each other you know what we feel and what’s important to us and it should be easy for both of us to figure out and feel the same way about something whether that’s, whatever it is, and especially if it’s about each other. So as long as you’re being honest and openly communicating and this is why it helps to be looking only when you don’t have baggage or other things you know that you can’t kick to the curb, you want to be ready and you have to have mutual interest. If there’s no mutual interest, if you think the other person’s great and they think you’re crap, that’s a failure and that’s fine. Like I said, I’ve never had something that was so hard I’ve done in my whole life but it’s worth it to try and do it right. Most of the pain and punishment I brought on myself. I kept banging at a door that wasn’t going to come down. I ignored how the other person felt and just tried to focus on how I felt. I let the other person, how they felt, influence me too much even when I knew it wasn’t right for me. I have a great example of when looking goes wrong and what the importance of not letting someone that’s okay or good be who you settle for, because each of us has great inside of us. You have great inside of you. There is a person that will be with you and you will be great with them. The question is, are you willing to take the pain and punishment until you find them and in return for it get just an amazing happiness and a wonderful life that you wouldn’t have had or you wouldn’t even know or understand about otherwise.
If you’re willing to go for it, there is a great person out for you and here’s what you shouldn’t do. I, when I moved home with my parents, after college and being a police officer, I was going back to graduate school in Tampa. So I was looking online, I figured hey if I do this right I could literally have a girl lined up for me when I get to Tampa. And I was desperately afraid of being lonely because when I’d been a police officer and I hadn’t had a relationship in years and I was so lonely. I was always looking for people but as we get into step 2, which I’ll talk about after I finish this story, I wasn’t ready to meet the right person so even though I was looking, I was doing everything I just shared with you, I was meeting a lot of people and getting good snapshot slices of them and they continued to not be right. So I looked so hard before I moved to Tampa I mean I went through hundreds of dating profiles, I was on all the dating websites, the main ones at least, match.com where I later met my wife, plentyoffish, okcupid, eharmony I mean I was, I was on them. And I was actively messaging and looking on all of them and I’ve talked, I sent messages and winks to hundreds of different girls and had all kinds of email conversations. And I had all kinds of things that went wrong. There’d be an email conversation I’d be really excited about that would fall apart and suddenly I wouldn’t get an email back or the girl I was talking with would send an email and something I’d read in it like one sent an email about how she had dated some gangster ex-boyfriend or something and I was just put off, I was just, like no you know I don’t want to date you, that’s awful. You know that’s not the kind of girl that’s going to be perfect for me to have been with or you know be with in the future.
All of this lined up to me, I finally was talking with some girl that, she had a lot of energy and enthusiasm for chatting with me and she seemed to meet my criteria good enough and everything. The problem was I was so afraid of getting to Tampa and being my old single self that I focused so much on her that we practically were in a relationship before we’d even met before. And then when I did meet her when I went to Tampa I met her to give you this small snapshot slice I told you about, but what I screwed up was I sent so many emails and spent so much time talking with her online that I started to think that actually mattered when it came to meeting her. And I thought that actually mattered for having a relationship. And the very first time I saw her we pulled up and met at a restaurant to eat, as soon as she got out of her car, my entire feeling, the visceral, you know the irrational, the part of me that feels, call it my heart, was just wrecked with disappointment. I just, as soon as I looked at her my body, you know, my whole, my heart’s first thought was no. This is not the kind of woman you want to marry and be with and have a family with. This is not it. The problem was I had rationally invested so much time and energy that I felt forced to continue to finish the date with her. What I should have done exactly then when I felt that is said look, I’m sorry I just have the feeling this is not going to work out with us. Like before we even introduced ourselves. Because my mind and my heart could immediately sense completely and exactly and I could hardly even smile when we went on our first date because I already knew it wasn’t going to work. And she was so nervous that she no doubt had figured out it wasn’t going to work just based off how I was acting. The problem was I just couldn’t let it go and you know what that turned into? That turned into a three month ex-girlfriend for me. I could have avoided all of that by just doing what I’m telling you to do now. If they’re not great, if you know it’s not right, and if you don’t invest too much time and energy getting to know someone before you meet them in person, you can avoid wasting a huge chunk of your time. I look back now and I thank G-d that I met my wife, literally a month and a half after that ex-relationship ended. And look, I’m not saying it was her fault or my fault because it was both of our faults, we weren’t right for each other. I just wish I could have done my part to not waste either of our time. You know? And that’s, that’s how relationships are. It’s two of you together. It has to be two of you together. What one of you wants or anything about one of you is not what matters it’s how you make a team together.
Maybe I could have met my wife three months sooner if I hadn’t went and got in a relationship with a girl that we both knew it wasn’t right for us. I could have avoided that by listening to my heart. My heart spoke loudly and clearly immediately. But I could have avoided that and you can avoid that. When you feel just disappointed with whoever you’re out with or you feel no positive passionate energy, if you don’t feel it then don’t waste your time. Keep looking. And I know it’s hard because I know you don’t want to sit there and be single forever. Or I know that even if you like being single you probably do still want to find someone to love eventually. And you never know how love is going to work out so if you just keep looking and you meet and are friendly with as many people as possible, the right person will eventually come into your life. If you waste time, if you get in a lot of dragged out relationships that aren’t good, then you’re not going to have the opportunity to meet as many people which drastically lowers the chances of you getting a great relationship. I want you to be happy and find the love of your life I don’t want you to have your first divorce or your second divorce or a family down the road with kids and a marriage that’s not good for either of you where you live separately or one of you is cheating or one of you is not emotionally available. I want you to have a wonderful and great life and having a great relationship is the key. Looking and keeping your eyes open is the first important thing.