Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I’m grateful that I have tools to restart my day today so I don’t end up wasting it all in anger and frustration. Today more than ever I can’t afford to wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I’ll tell you exactly what I did today and share this with the hope that it’s useful for you to see what’s possible.
For most of my life, I would often be around 3 or 4 in the afternoon still saying that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Finally by the end of the day I would wonder how I messed things up so much. Today, I see that if I get up on the wrong side of the bed, there’s nothing more important than fixing that. Nothing is more important than going out into the world in the right state of mind. When I’m in the wrong state of mind,f that’s when all the bad things in life are more likely to happen to me.
All kinds of bad things were likely to happen once I got up on the wrong side of the bed. Here’s what happened today. I got plenty of sleep, but if I didn’t, that’s almost always a good way to wake up on the wrong side of the bed by itself. Plenty of sleep is not an issue. In fact, I thought I had too much sleep. Then I thought I could wake up. I can help out and I can take Madelyn for a walk so my wife can get a little bit of sleep because she had to wake up early with her.
Then I ended up falling asleep and not being able to wake up until about 9. I was feeling like there’s not enough time in the day. I felt like the 12 hours of sleep I got was just not enough time. This is what I like to call a shame trigger. Then I started resenting the fact that it’s best that I go to bed around ten, when my wife and daughter go to bed.
I started to get upset. Why are there so few hours in the day? I’ve got all these videos that I want to do and all these ideas loaded into my head. I have things I can film. I wanted to play video games. I wanted to hang out with my daughter and my wife and go out to my support group. I wanted to have time to talk to my family and I’m sitting there like 12 hours isn’t enough. The day was over and I hadn’t even got out of bed yet. Immediately, I was in a negative mood.
My first thought was “what can do to fix this?” I needed to eat because I hadn’t eaten in over 12 hours. I do a little fast every night and I get about 12 hours where I don’t eat. That gives my whole digestive system enough time off so it’s in good shape. I don’t need to do things like lemon juice fast for a week. I can just give myself and the digestive track a good 12 hours or so off and that’s enough.
Before I even get out of bed in the morning. I ask to stay sober. The intent behind that prayer is not to cause myself any further pain and suffering. I realize you might not have a sobriety issue, but for me, staying sober is about not causing more chaos. I want to live a life that’s worth living without having to add something to it. I don’t have to add anything else except life as it is on life’s terms. I pray and I read a couple of inspirational books before I get out of bed. I went and had breakfast and looked back at how I was doing.
If my wife notices something is wrong with me, she asks am I okay and I tell her exactly how I’m doing. Normally in my life that would’ve lead to a bad day. That would’ve led to fights and arguments with my wife. That would’ve lead to unhealthy behaviors and whatever form those behaviors took.
I would be nasty to people around me and to myself or go overboard with things. At one point, I was doing two hour work outs at the gym. That was overboard. I wasn’t trying to be a professional athlete. I don’t need to do two hours on an elliptical. I was doing way too much work at one point in my life. I would go in at 10 and I wouldn’t leave until 10 at night. It’s not because I had that much work to do, I was obsessing and making that much to do.
Today, I realize that I can’t have a day in that mind state. I’m willing to put whatever else is going on the rest of the day on the back burner until I get me right. No one else in the world benefits from me being all messed up in the head. Not only that, but when I’m messed up in my head, I attract other people who are in the exact same state. In fact, when I am in a healthy, peaceful state, I repulse people. I don’t even have to say anything. It’s like a magnet. Other people who are frustrated will not come near me when I’m in that positive peaceful state.
It’s important I try not to do anything. I just sit down on the couch. I think most of our problems as human beings all relate to not being able to sit down and see what’s going on. If you can sit down and look around, life is pretty simple. It’s all this crap we put on top of it that makes it difficult. When it gets difficult, the solution is to sit down and make it simple.
I sat down and the thing that’s tricky about this is that it’s more uncomfortable at first. The logical thing most of us have been programmed to do is run. I was always doing something because I was trying to avoid looking inside at what was going on.
I was always trying to get to the next thing to run away from the last thing. I always thought the next thing would save me when the last thing would damn me. So I sat down on the couch this morning and I covered up. I sat down with my daughter so my wife could do what she needed to with her hands free. I sat there and looked at what is going on right now.
At first, the pain intensifies. I hate that there’s not enough time. This stupid life doesn’t give me the ability to do everything I want to. It’s basically an Eckhart Tolle terms an attack of the pain body. All my pain brews up and tries to possess me. Then that’s when I go to prayer.
My simplest prayer is God help me because I can’t do anything for myself. Then I focus on what I want. What’s the real problem? The real problem is I’m choking myself with all these expectations today. I’m choking life by putting this rigid structure on what needs to happen today. This whole painful illusion is closing down about how things are and what’s going on. It’s painful because it can’t go on forever. It’s a false illusion of all life around me. I put myself in it like a baby that’s crawled into the corner of their crib and they can’t move and need help.
That’s how I kind of look at my relationship with God. I’m a child that can create its own universe, but sometimes I create things and get it all screwed up. I can’t figure out how to fix it so, just like Madelyn asks me to help her, I cry out God Help Me. If you don’t do God, you can do this as an affirmation. You can affirm that you will feel better. I’m going to love and forgive myself. When you get the exact wording down, you can match the wording to whatever language works for you.
God help me works for me. I try to focus on what I really want to do here. What I’m doing is punishing myself by saying I’m not enough. What I need to do is forgive myself for whatever wrongs I’ve committed by waking up two hours later. Forgive whatever inadequacies I have. Forgive my own limitations. That’s when I started feeling better.
It struck me that I was praying about the same thing she was crying about. At 6 months, she seems to be frustrated by her own limitations. She can’t walk yet, she has a hard time crawling. She sometimes gets frustrated with her little body that can’t do a lot. She just gets pissed off at it. That’s the same thing. I get frustrated with this body that can’t fill all the obligations and expectations that I have. It’s not enough to do what I need it to do. That’s what needs to be forgiven to let it be enough and to let it be okay.
Once I went through all that, I sat on the couch. I didn’t go anywhere and didn’t talk, I was going to sit there until I felt better. The pressure was overwhelming because when you’re feeling like you’re not enough, the last thing you want to do is nothing. It’s hard to start , but after time passes, you will be able to forgive yourself. I felt the forgiveness come into my heart after asking for it and then that brought some tears as I let go of the pain. All of the sudden it was quiet and my mental noise was gone. Then peace and serenity came in and I was ready to do what I needed to do.
Now I feel like I have enough time and everything is okay. Now I am enough. Now I’ll do my best and that helps me. I lower the standards. If I get through the day without screwing my life up, then that’s enough. I say if I can get through this day sober then that’s enough. For me, sober is about not poisoning myself with any substance or behavior. I think everyone can relate to doing something poisonous. That’s what I ask for.
That’s how I was able to start out on the wrong side of the bed and get up and fix it. By 10am, everything was fine. This all took less than an hour. How many times have I been unwilling to take the time to fix the big problem? How many times have I blundered throughout the day and all these bad things happened? How many times have I blamed for what went wrong when I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed and didn’t fix it?
I spent years waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Today I’m not willing to spend a day on the wrong side of the bed.
I pray that I’m willing to work on whatever attitude and situation is in front of me. I pray that I’m willing to take time to fix the problems in front of me instead of running away from then into the future. I pray that in sharing this with you, you have the opportunity to learn what works for me to remove 90% of the pain in my life. Thank you so much for reading this. I hope you have a great day today.