How can you find a boyfriend or a girlfriend that is perfect for you in 2015?
Watch the video above for the complete Learn Love Episode 3!
The second important thing is being ready when you find them and some of you certainly might say well you can’t separate looking from being ready. Looking to me is a proactive constant mindset you’re doing that is very closely related to being ready. The problem is, either one by itself is not going to put you in the position to succeed. And I’ll give you a great example of that, again myself. I always, I looked as much as possible. Out of the 10 or so years I went on dating before I found my wife I was single about eight of those years. So I looked and looked and looked and looked I mean, I’ve picked a girl up or got a girl’s number in damn near every situation you could do it and the problem was I wasn’t ready to meet the right girl. Or at least I look back now and I say I wasn’t ready. I was not the kind of person that was going to be a good teammate when I was younger. I thought about myself all the time. I often didn’t pay attention to how I looked or presented myself. I was just a me me me person which is okay when you’re younger especially. That’ show a lot of us are when we’re younger. You know I’m 29 now, I mean I’ve been a me me me person for most of my life. When you want to be ready though, you gotta be ready to be part of a team. It’s kind of like having faith in a religion or faith in anything. You’ve gotta kind of give up some of who you are and embrace some of who you are as being something part of a bigger group.
With finding the right person to love, that faith has to be able to be placed in the two of you together. My wife and I are one team, we’re one unit. We are the two of us combined, that is who we are. That is my first identity as a person as one member of that two person team. I was not ready to be that way a lot of the time when I was younger because I, even when I would date or get to know other people all I ever thought about was what I could get out of it, what was in it for me. My wife was the first girl I met and truly felt that I was in it for what was good for us. It wasn’t just about what I wanted or what I would get, but it was about what she wanted, what she would get, and that key part of the equation being ready, that is the key component that you want and there’s some details to being ready. For example, if you want to be with someone attractive or that looks a certain way even if most people don’t think that’s attractive, for example some girls are into guys that you know that are really hairy or have a lot of tattoos or something, that’s what they thinks attractive. Everyone’s variation of what they think is attractive differs.
The bottom line is, you want to attract and be ready to look good for the kind of person you want to be with. I think this is really difficult because those often are not matched up well together. I was looking for more of a girl that was like the sorority president and you know by sorority president that’s more of a geekier nerdy girl with friends and that’s my wife down to the detail. The problem was, the way I presented myself was not as likely to attract that type of girl. Until I was 21 years old I always wore football jerseys and didn’t take very good care of my appearance. I was a handsome young fellow but I didn’t present myself very well, and my attitude went along with that. And the problem was, the kind of girls I could attract were often not the kind of girls that really got me excited. And I don’t want to be demeaning or derogatory or anything so that’s, I’m just gonna say that the kind of girls that were interested in me were not often interested in. and the ones I was interested in often weren’t very interested in me. And finally, I asked a girl that was my friend, you know I said what am I doing wrong? What can id o better? Well, wearing those football jerseys all the time, that says you’re a certain kind of guy. The problem is, the person you present yourself as wearing those football jerseys and not you know doing anything with your hair and just generally not having good appearance about you, the kind of girls you want to attract care about those kinds of things. So if you would buy some nicer clothes, she didn’t say I had to spend a fortune or anything, just get some clothes that look a little nicer like some polo shirts and things like that, and wear those clothes, do a little something with my hair occasionally. You know I already looked good enough that I just needed to kind of polish the rough exterior up a little bit and more of the girls I would be attracted to would be attracted to me. And as soon as I did that, low and behold it worked. And I somehow missed the connection when I was in ROTC before, I always got the best response out of girls when I was in my army uniform, and the funny thing is I never quite put together that that appearance was what was important and then when I wasn’t in ROTC I could continue that appearance as something that worked in my favor.
The same things applies, you can do this with yourself and if you’re a girl it doesn’t mean you have to spend three hours a day doing your makeup and your hair or anything it just means you want to look ideal in the eyes of the person you are attracted to. And if you don’t know what that is, you can just ask them. If you see someone that looks like the kind of person you want to be with, ask them, say hey, you know what do you think makes a girl attractive? And you always want to ask more than one person on this kind of thing because most advice is bad advice. But some advice is good advice. So if you ask people and see what they like, then you could get some good feedback and some of it might hurt your feelings. You know maybe you might get comments like you should grow your hair out or stop wearing a favorite outback of yours. Football jerseys were a favorite outfit of mine. I had worn them and love them since 5th grade. And so I had to be open to get feedback to say well stop wearing the clothes you like to wear and start wearing some clothes that the girls you’re attracted to will check you out in. That can be hard feedback but being ready to meet the right person, you’ve got to do what it takes to be ready to meet the right person. If you just want to do it your way that’s fine, but you’re just going to get your way out of life right back at you. If you don’t present yourself well, if you don’t look attractive to the people you want to attract, then you shouldn’t be disappointed or surprised when you don’t get a positive response out of it.
So when you are looking and you’re ready, that gives you the best chance to find the right person to love in your life. And this goes, usually the appearance thing is just the tip of the iceberg. Appearance is one of those, simple to see qualities that people put a lot of stock and faith in. And if you can’t but new clothes or you can’t you know cut your hair or whatever, or grow your hair out, it all starts in your mind. So, it could be exercising a little more, losing some weight, especially if you’re fat and you’re attracted to thinner people, you are likely to need to exercise some. So you can focus on what you do have the power to do something about. And it starts in your head, having a positive mindset about yourself. What, when you look in the mirror, now you’re probably never gonna be exactly perfect in your own eyes, but if you look in the mirror and you see something about yourself that you know you could change, and you would be able to be ready to attract the kind of person you want, if you look in the mirror and say you know I would feel confident in myself if I did this. And you can only do what you can do, you can’t do what you can’t do. So if you have some horrible disfigurement or something, well you probably can’t just get that magically fixed. But just look at yourself in the mirror and say, what can I do that would make me feel happy about how I look? And focus on what you can do and it doesn’t have to be a huge thing, you know you don’t have to say well I need to lose 200 pounds or I need to grow hair out that’s ten feet long. It can just be something simple, what can I do today that will feel better about my appearance? Maybe go for a run, if you’re big, or just take a shower if you’re dirty, you know do your hair or something if it’s all a mess. Look at yourself and say what can I do to feel a little bit better? You don’t have to make a grand gesture you just have to keep doing the little things that will make you feel a little bit better about yourself. When you collectively put all those things together, then that’ll help you be ready to be confident and attractive to the person you want to attract.
I have to give women a lot of credit in this department too. While men are very and you can put whatever reason on it you want, men tend to be very fixated on more of the concrete physical details. Women tend to be very good with looking at a guy and picking out that guy’s confident, that guy knows what he’s doing, that guy’s sneaky and he’s a creep. Women tend to be very good at picking those things out. I’ve rarely met guys that were quite as good you know looking at a girl and saying well, you know making the same kind of snap judgment that women do. But that’s a lot of the little things you do and the attitude you have in your head are what other people find attractive. So if you want someone that’s confident and feels good about themselves, is ambitious, you need to be the kind of person they want to be with. So they often will want the same kinds of things. Maybe not everything but they’re likely to want a person that’s confident and happy about themselves. You can change, if you’re not confident and happy about yourself you can start working towards being that way. It doesn’t take a grand gesture, a huge move all you to do is look in the mirror and say what small thing, what little thing can I do right now or today to make myself feel better about who I am? If you do that every single day, you will soon enough feel how you want to feel and then you’ll be ready to attract the kind of person you want to attract. That’s all it takes. You gotta look and be ready.
But there’s a third key part and I highlighted it some in the look and be ready section. The third key thing once you look and you’re ready to find the right person, you have to beware of accepting less than both of you deserve. So it’s look, be ready, and then, discretion. This is the hardest part because once you’ve gotten into a mindset of I’m looking, and once you’ve got yourself prepared to attract the kind of person you want to attract, making the right choices is the most difficult part and this is where people go the wrong the most. I always looked at good looking girls when I was younger and the guys they were with. And I would always ask her, how out of all the guys that want to be with you do you choose that loser? Like, any guy can look at him and say he’s a loser. It’s like how do you, you know, you who all the guys want to be with choose that loser to be with? The choice element of this once you got the first two of these down, making the right choice is the hardest part because like is simple. If there’s one person that’s eligible to date you in your town, it’s really simple to do something about that. Either you’re gonna date them or you’re gonna be single, there’s no other options. You see how simple that is? Now, look at it this way. A good looking person in high school might have a hundred plus people to choose from. With human beings, we all have rational limits. Most of us when we have more than two or three choices have a hard time. Many of us force ourselves into these situations just so we only have a limited number of choices.
Exercising choice when you have lots of options is hard. Look at how poorly I did. When I went to grad school, I had hundreds of girls I could potentially date. My parents said just work with me for almost a year on getting myself into being a loving person. I had worked harder than I ever worked on being ready. I was ready to meet the right girl. I already knew how to look and I was looking harder than I’d ever looked before. And how did I make such a poor choice? How did I decide to get into a relationship when all I saw was disappointment the first time I met her? How did I make such a poor choice when I had girls from all over Tampa sending me messages and that I was emailing and that I could have just went out with and said hi you know I’m Jerry, let’s spend like an hour to get to know each other a little bit and see how we feel about it. How did I make such a poor choice and I literally just ended up in a relationship with the first girl I met.
Choices are hard. The only way you can manage choices is you just have to follow your heart. I eventually did follow my heart and I eventually did break up. It was hard though and it would have been so much easier to say no right away than it was to say no after I’d said yes for three months. You have to say no as soon as possible. As soon as possible say no. And I know that’s hard. No one wants to be single and especially when you’ve got a beautiful person that has a lot of great qualities that’s interested in being with you, it’s hard to say no. but if you know there’s something that’s not gonna work with it, if you know that right up front then say no. Just say no. Why would you want to waste some of the very precious small amount of time you have on earth, why would you want to waste any of it? And you can say well anything that doesn’t kill me makes me stronger well yes, I wasted three months of my time in grad school and I wasted her time too. I wasted that. And I’ll never have that back but thank G-d I managed to finally do it right only a couple months after that. The thing is, just say no as early as possible. I had done so good with that. The rest of my life I had always said no as soon as possible. Like if I’d went out with a girl on three dates and she didn’t want to at least like make out a little bit I’d always, I said no right there, I’m like I don’t want someone that that’s physically cold. I mean I was ruthless with saying no when I was younger. If I didn’t like the way you talked to your parents on the phone or if I didn’t like the way you flirted with my roommate or something I would just, I would find any reason to not call a girl back or to say, look I don’t want to go out with you again. I was direct and I had very few problems with my past lingering because as soon as I found a reason to say no I just pushed them out of my life. And the harder they tried to get me to say yes the harder I’d made sure that they would turn around and say no eventually. And that wasn’t always pretty but I always was willing to say no until I finally, I was so ready, I was so ready that my choice, I made a poor choice. And that’s what happens with a lot of good looking people. I always think back to the, the great looking girls in like high school and college that I thought at the time just had it all. They didn’t want to be single or alone any more than you and I do. They often just made the first bad choice that came along. And the problem was, then what were they gonna do about it? Whoever was there at the right moment at the right time and that’s why guys would all try and swoon over them all the time cause they were just hoping to be the right guy at the right time.
It’s a balancing act. All three of these things you need to look, be ready, and then make a good choice. It’s a balancing act between keeping all three in the right proportion. If you’re too ready, if you’re looking too hard, or if you’re not making good choices, you’re gonna have a low likelihood of finding the right person to love in your life. And I’m saying this from experience. And the best part is though you just have to do it right once. And yes, I know I’m 29, I know a lot of horrible things could go wrong in my life. But just being with my wife, I will always have and know that love in my life, and she will too. And that is something you don’t forget. It’s something that’s always there once you’ve done it right, and I have faith that we, you know our team will be able to not get hit with you know some of the horrible things that just come down from the sky sometimes. But the thing is, doing it right is worth taking the risk of whatever could happen afterwards. So I want you to look, be ready, and make a great choice in order to find the right person to love in your life. And I am confident that when you are able to do all three of those things together, you will find the right person in your life. I appreciate you taking the time to listen today, and I hope this has been helpful.