Keeping the Peace in Any Relationship

You can get through your most challenging days by using two simple thoughts. Don’t make it worse and ask for help. These thoughts have helped me get through the last 24 hours. What helped me the most was don’t make it worse. That’s what I need to do. When I have thought about how to make my situations worse, I remind myself that I don’t want to make it worse.

It’s a strange thing because you see when you’re frustrated and in pain and everything is going wrong. It shocks me to see that there’s a part of me that does want it to be worse.

Yesterday, my wife and I were not on the same page on a few things. We both were in a lot of pain over it. It was weird to see how much a part of me wanted it to be worse. It was bad enough and there was a part of me that would give anything to have it be even worse. I wanted even more drama, even more pain. I wanted even more of a fight and more aggravation.

I kept pushing and pushing to make things unbelievably terrible.  For most of my life when I was in pain, I often would make it worse and worse until I hit rock bottom. I would keep going until I lost the job or girlfriend or got screamed at until I cried. I rarely would take the honorable exit.

Instead of just quitting a job and say I don’t like working here, I would get so crazy until they made me quit. I would do something to make it worse. I would get another job that I didn’t like to get away from a job that I liked more.

In relationships, don’t make it worse is powerful because it’s not just about you. It’s about you and another person. What happens when the other person wants to make it worse also? It just take one of you willing to not make it worse to set the bar and you don’t have to go below that. It’s hard for one person to make things terrible in a relationship. It usually takes both people to be willing to make it worse or both people not willing to stop.

I have a friend that I’ve known for 6 – 7 years now and we had a good friendship. There was a 3 month period where both of us were willing to make it worse. Most of the friendship, both of us were willing to not make it worse. If one of us were a jerk, the other person was willing to make room for it.

About three months in our friendship, both of us kept taking it to a new level. I would say something nasty in  text message, he would say something nasty back in a text. I would say something nasty to him online or on the phone and he would take it to another level. I would send him a nasty message and he’d send another one. It’s amazing how fast things deteriorate when you are willing to make it worse. You have to be willing to do the work to make it worse. It takes energy and effort to say that nasty comment that you’ve been thinking of all day. It takes energy and effort to get angry and yet, why is it something I feel like I had to make it worse.

A lot of times in the last 24 hours I feel like I had to make it worse. I would think of nasty things to say to my wife or nasty things to do and I felt like I had to do them. In that scenario, all I can do is reach out from the inside of my soul and throw the word help into the universe. That is a miracle while you’re in the middle of a frustration to be able to see that you’re frustrated.

I realized that I don’t want to feel like this but I don’t know how to stop so I need some help. I talked about it with everyone who would listen yesterday and I shared with a focus on me. I shared where I needed help and what I was having a problem with. What you’re having a problem with and what I’m having a problem with never depends on another person. Instead, it depends on my reaction with another person. If I’m in a peaceful, loving place, it doesn’t matter what anyone else does. I’m okay with what anyone else does, if I’m in a peaceful place and someone slaps me across the face, that’s fine. It doesn’t mean I’m going to sit there and turn the other cheek. I might step back, I might run off or I might say “I would appreciate not being slapped.” What you notice is there is a lack of upset and angry. If I’m in a peaceful place, anything anyone else does is fine. I feel like if I’m in a peaceful enough place, anything could happen to me and I would be okay with it.

That is the ideal. That is where I spend a lot of my life, but sometimes I get thrown out of that. Through that separation, I can see where I need help and I can see not to make it worse. If I’m looking at my life as a path and when I’m having a bad day I wandered off the path. The path is peaceful. The path is happy, it’s filled with joy and when I’ve wandered off the path then I must be able to see my way back.

If I’m so miserable like I’ve been a lot over the last 24 hours, I couldn’t even see my way back. I could see any way to feel better then I ask for help being shown the way because the problem is always my lack of vision.

In fact, yesterday said God, I realize I’m blind right now and I can’t see anything that’s important. Please help me see. I can’t see right now and I realize I’m blind. I don’t mean blind in a sense that I can’t see in front of me. I mean blind in a sense that I can’t see the things that are important. This is what I was having trouble with yesterday.

I’m having trouble seeing that I love my wife. I’m having trouble seeing that I love myself. I’m having trouble seeing that I love my life. I know I’m having trouble because I can’t see that right now. I know I can see that therefore this is abnormal and that’s why I’m frustrated so please help. You can throw out whatever comes from the inside of your soul and ask for help. The universe will give you the help you need.

When I asked for help seeing that I love my wife, she was already standing in front of me changing my daughter. I was mad but I saw that she was doing something nice. She’s taking care of our daughter.

The key is when you’re miserable do not lose track of everything completely. When I’m miserable it’s like I’m trying to fall asleep. The key is to not fall asleep all the way. Do not lose track of everything because it’s life and death to not fall 100% into misery. It’s up to me to work to keep at least 1% open. Yesterday at this point I was 99% miserable and 1% peaceful, loving and open. I was not completely involved in misery enough that I couldn’t see a little sliver of hope. I saw a little sliver of opportunity. I saw with certainty that it would get better at some point.

I asked for help hundreds of times in the form of prayers. Some of them were to my sponsor, my mom, my friends, and many of them were to my wife. I told her that I was miserable and I’m feeling bad, I’m not enough, I’m struggling and hurting. The amazing part is that today at some point it just snapped. The misery bubble just broke and I felt better I’m not sure at which point it happened. All I know is that suddenly when I was doing myself diagnostics, I realized that cloud went away. That’s good. That feeling in my body of misery had lifted.

I’m grateful today to have these things to share with you because they work for me and I want them to be able to work for you. I have these things because so many people shared them with me before I was having a hard time. The key is for me to practice them. I practice them all the time when I’m having a hard time and that’s when they work well. They work well on a normal day, but they work exceptional on a bad day to get through it and not make it worse.

I pray today that I remember to not make it worse in every situation because I know it will get better. Everything will get better as long as I don’t make it worse. My attitude get’s better if I don’t make it worse. My finances get better if I don’t make it worse. I pray today that when I feel helpless to not make my life worse. I pray that if my life is worse, I pray that I’m open and asking for help. I pray that you have the same opportunities today to not make whatever it is worse. When you need help I pray you’re open to asking for it even if it’s just a blind call into the dark in the universe.

If you prefer to speak to a god or to a specific person that helps you to relate to god, you can always ask for help. You deserve help, you deserve to be loved today. So does everyone around you. Thank you very much for reading this. I’m honored you’ve spent this time with me. I’d love to know what you think of it. I’d love your ideas, if you have ideas on things you’d like to hear about. I’d love to write a post on something that you’ve shared when the time is right.