How do we say “no” with love and kindness behind it?
This is something I am working on and I am learning because this has been a big challenge for me, especially over the last several years.
Thank you for reading about day 196 of Happier People Podcast and I hope you enjoy it!
How to Say NO with Love and Kindness! #196
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As you have helped things go so well with everything I do online, then people want stuff.
People have asked me just thousands of things.
“Jerry, watch my video. Jerry, will you review my cryptocurrency? Jerry, will you upvote my post? Jerry, will you resteem my post? Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.”
One of the biggest struggles I’ve had with this is saying “no” with love and kindness behind it because there is a huge difference in saying, “No, your idea looks stupid. No, I’m not sharing your spammy posts. No, why do you waste my time with this?” versus taking that tiny bit of extra energy or sometimes a big amount of extra energy to say “no” nicely.
The answer is the same either way, but the effect on the receiver can be drastically different.
It might not even be something dramatic, it might just be a simple two letters typed in response to a Discord message. It might just be a very simple “No, thank you” that you send via email, but the energy we send that with can make a big difference.
On Steem, a few months ago, one of the top witnesses asked me to resteem a post for him and all I just typed was the two letters “no” and I didn’t do it out of love and kindness. I did it out of hostility. I did it out of annoyance.
“You haven’t done anything for me. You’re not voting for me, you haven’t supported me hardly at all, and then now you come to me and ask me to do something for you. What have you done for me?”
You can see there is not a very good attitude or mindset behind that if I want to collaborate and build a relationship with someone.
It was very ego-centered, “I’m a big deal. What have you done for me before I do anything for you?”
The better things go in life, the harder it is to stay out of that because so many people, so many things that happen give you all this confirmation that you should, and most of us the more things we have to handle the worse we do with them.
What I’d like to do is look at an example of that done really well and show you the world of difference it makes when we say “no” with love and kindness and compassion versus saying “no” out of hate or ignorance, annoyance or frustration, or “How dare you ask me that?”
This can make all the difference in the world in certain situations like a high-pressure situation, to say “no” out of love and kindness might make the difference between being a victim of violence versus helping someone along.
In my case, I’ve said “no” a lot of times out of annoyance and it has cost me a lot of potential relationships.
Here’s an example and, of course, it’s not where I said *”no,” it’s where I was told “no” by another YouTuber.
I have been following Sherry with the “Watering Mouth” for four years. I met her at an Internet marketing mastermind group in Sarasota. She has a Patreon page and a YouTube channel with 16,000 subscribers, millions of views, a lot of videos that are helpful.
I’m into whole plant food eating, so you can imagine there is a lot of overlap, like vegan nutrition, etcetera. What I like is she shares in detail about whatever she is currently dealing with, like her weight or her eating habits, or managing her time as a mother.
I really like that because these are often polite conversations.
“How are you doing?”
“How are things with you?”
“How are the kids?”
We don’t talk about this stuff and I think obviously the more talk we can have about healthy food, good eating, the better, because we need as many of us as possible to talk about these things.
I’ve been following Sherry for years, and she has launched a Patreon page a few months ago. The whole time she has had her Patreon page up, I’ve been thinking that maybe I will pledge, I’d like to pledge, I’d like to give her something to help her sustain her blog and be able to do what I do. I’d like to help her have the same opportunity I have.
What time is it now?
Almost midnight and I’m watching my son.
This is me working right now and I do this with the hope to help as many more of us have the same opportunities I have as possible. That’s my big motivation to do this. That’s why I do this because I could just sit around in my house and not try to help anyone, but I don’t feel good when I do that.
What feels good is to share and help.
So, I was thinking for months of how I could work with Sherry to help her promote me and to help me fund her to continue her blog, and the offer I came up with was to essentially give me a shout out in every one of her videos, and then I’d pay her a few hundred dollars a month on Patreon to do that.
What I love is that she very carefully thought about my offer, after I carefully considered, “Okay. Here’s the kind of videos I make, the Happier People Podcast, that you might like to promote and you might like to then share them. Here’s a good way to maybe do it.”
She thought about it.
She listened to some of the episodes and she considered what is best for both of us, and that’s the key to love and kindness.
If someone asks for something and maybe one person might benefit, but the other person doesn’t benefit, then that’s an opportunity to say “no” or adjust an offer.
After reviewing things, Sherry wrote out a nice detailed email explaining her exact thought process saying, “Look, Jerry, I’ve stayed away from essentially advertising in my videos where advertisers want to put a message just like you’re asking me to put in my video. I’ve stayed away from that and I said I won’t do that, and after looking and reading through your content, and considering these will be on there indefinitely, I don’t want to set up that kind of relationship where I’m putting in an ad for you essentially into every one of my videos.”
Then, she said, “I hope you understand.”
I was just blown away reading that because this is what I’ve missed so much. This is what I haven’t taken the time to do or the energy to do when people ask me things.
Now, sure, if I get some ridiculous offer, it may be loving and kind to just ignore that.
You know, there are many things that are so ridiculous people could ask and we don’t have any duty to respond to everything.
Sherry did an awesome job at it and I’m grateful she helped me see exactly how this works on the other side, to see that it makes a world of difference to get told “no” out of love and kindness instead of “no” with a closed heart.
That motivated me to think, “Okay. I still do want to help Sherry with her blog, I still do want to pledge on her Patreon page.”
I do want to set up lots of these kinds of relationships with people like you who are already here following me, listening to what I create, just to essentially give you something to take the extra time to share what you are already enjoying and using anyway.
So, after seeing Sherry’s email, I just felt this need. I have been putting off signing up for her Patreon now for months and she doesn’t want to advertise.
Well, good. I know just what to do then.
I said, “I will put the highest amount. I will pick the biggest reward as long as it’s not like over one hundred dollars or something.”
She had a thirty-five-dollar reward.
I said, “Oh, okay. I’ll grab that.”
You know, I signed up with the idea that I can pay this the rest of the year indefinitely. It’s like thirty-five dollars a month you collectively have helped give me, and there is no reason I can’t just leave this on indefinitely and not expect anything at all in return for it.
That’s the difference between saying “no” with love and kindness. If she had just ignored my email or sent an email back like, “How dare you ask me that? Don’t you even follow my blog close enough to know that last year I said I don’t take offers like this?”
I’ve done lots of stuff like that before.
You know, “How dare you give me this offer? Don’t you know I don’t do stuff like that?”
I’ve been like that lots of times or just told people “no” with a closed heart.
Like, you know, “Can you help me do this?”
It’s not that you have to do one, but the intent of what we do comes across and the kindness Sherry showed with saying “no” in this instance.
I thought, “All right. I really want to do something for you and I’ll just give something without expecting anything in return.”
Now, you could argue, “Well, you are trying to share this just to make yourself look good and try to get some brownie points for that.”
I don’t care about that.
What I care about is communicating this lesson for all of us today because this has been a big challenge for me and I know that this is a challenge for almost all of us at one time in our lives or another.
You look really good at a certain point in your life, how do you say “no” with love and kindness to all the people who want to go out with you?
Then, you get too many activities.
How do you say “no” to friends that want to hang out with you with love and kindness?
Then, you get old and you are going to die.
How do you say “no” to family members that want to do stuff for you that you don’t want them to do with love and kindness?
I think this is something that applies to our whole lives and I’m grateful to have the chance to share what I’ve learned with you today.
The benefit of this is when we work on this level, when someone says “no” with love and kindness we are often motivated to see what we could do instead.
Instead of just feeling like hated and rejected, we see what we can do instead.
I can see that instead of working with Sherry who follows me here and there, and reads some things, but is not normally just going through every single thing I post and listening to everything everywhere I do, what I need to do and what I am doing is offering this to you that are going through every single thing.
You are listening to every podcast episode.
You know, the perfectionist in me says, “Every podcast, Jerry? They are listening to every one?”
Not every single one, but you get the idea.
You are listening to most or a lot of the podcasts, you are listening or reading something, watching something almost every day, you have followed me for years, I want to collaborate with you.
I want to partner with you and help give back to you, to help you get something essentially for taking that extra time and energy to talk about or write about or do a video about something that you are already reading or watching anyway.
So, what I’ve got for this, I have a partner program.
Now, the first thing, when you look in the partner program you say, “Well, that sounds great. You get all these rewards. Wait! You’ve got to pay to be a partner?”
What I’ve also learned is, it helps to have good screening things.
How do I figure out who is the best person to promote, who is the best person to collaborate with?
I have a partner program where I focus on giving out all my opportunities and I see that this opportunity I was trying to give to Sherry would be most appropriate to share in my partner program, to offer a partner, “Hey, here’s $250. Will you make a video or two about whatever you like most that I shared this month?”
Or, “Will you write a blog post or a few blog posts or retweet?”
The idea of the partner program is that we get to know each other because each of us has unique talents and ultimately for me to figure out how you and I can best work together, I need to know what you do, I need to know why you do it, I need to know what you are looking for, what kind of help you are looking for, and then you need to figure out with me, “Hey, how can we help each other?”
For example, if you do music, you are on Sound Cloud, you might be able to re-post where you share some of my songs that you like. That would be really helpful if you enjoy using Sound Cloud, but if you don’t use it, then there wouldn’t be any point.
That’s why I’m looking to build relationships with my partners where I then make these very focused and collaborative advertising relationships.
You are already watching my videos, you are already thinking about and enjoying whatever I create, I can just give you a little something to do a little something extra with what you are already doing.
If you just want to chat with me, the partners program is the best place to do it. We have got weekly voice calls, you get resteems if you are on Steem, you get a listing on this Partners page, you can private message me and this is all on Discord when you join as a partner.
If you want to give this a try, you can now sponsor me on YouTube. You can kind of give this a little test drive for $4.99 a month as a YouTube sponsor also.
There is a new sponsor button on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/jerrybanfield
If you want to give this a test drive essentially for $4.99, you get just the chat channel. The partner program is where you get all the voice calls.
So, you can essentially test drive it there, if you want to.
“Well, Jerry, nice. You’ve turned saying no with love and kindness into something to promote yourself.”
You do your best with what you have got. This is the whole message. This is the whole truth. This is the experience I had. This is what I’ve learned and I’m doing with it and I appreciate Sherry helping me to have this to share tonight.
I have been thinking about this idea for “saying no with kindness,” how do I share it, and I’m grateful that as soon as I got her email, I thought that now is the time to make a video, now is the time to talk about this.
I hope this is helpful for you as a part of my “Happier People Podcast.”
I love you.
You are awesome and I appreciate you watching or listening to the “Happier People Podcast” on a part of my YouTube channel or on my Jerry Banfield Podcast.
I hope you have a wonderful day today and that this day 196 of Happier People Podcast was helpful.
Edits from video transcript by Michel Gerard at www.michelgerardonline.com.