SEX How to Stop Thinking About Other People During Sex? #202

How do we break the habit of thinking about other people during sex? If you would like answers to this, will you please watch the video in this post and leave a like if you find anything that’s helpful because if you are like me, getting through this and quitting this habit provides a lot of joy in intimacy, especially when it comes to sex? If you will enjoy reading and contributing to the discussion for this post, will you please join us on the YouTube video below and leave a comment there because I read and respond to most comments on YouTube?

If you find anything helpful in this video or funny, will you please leave a like because you will feel great helping other people find it?

I struggled with this for years.

I remember breaking up with an ex-girlfriend and feeling so bad about all those times that we had had sex and I was thinking about other girls and wishing she was another girl almost the entire time.

I thought after I rationalized it enough that maybe it was just her, that I just wasn’t happy with her. What I found is this kept going after the first or second time being with a girl. Invariably, I would be thinking about other girls while I was with the girl at the present moment.

I thought, “Okay, well maybe it’s just a better and better girl.”

Finally, I met the perfect girl of my dreams, everything was wonderful and this habit still persisted, and I felt so ashamed of it and I didn’t know who I could talk to about it.

There would be things like we would be watching a TV show together, someone would reference this in the TV show about thinking about other people during sex, and it was very awkward for me because my first instinct was to laugh really loud because I understood that and I desperately needed to get it out. But then, I was thinking, “If I laugh too loud, she’ll know I’m doing it,” assuming she didn’t know already.

This was just horribly complicated and I felt like a disgusting person because I couldn’t stop doing it.

SEX How to Stop Thinking About Other People During Sex?

What we are talking about here are those compulsive repeated ongoing fantasies.

I’m not talking about a passing thought here or there. What I’m talking about is that interaction, the sex where you are not even really there. You are thinking about someone else a lot or you are wishing who you are with was someone else and you are using that often to help you achieve the best results in the present moment.

We want to be free of that because we get a lot better sex without it.

I’m grateful today that I’m free of thinking about other people during sex and I have so much better sex because of it, and so does my wife. It makes a huge difference because I’m fully present for the interaction. I’m not sitting here wishing it was an ex-girlfriend I was with or another girl I just saw at the gym. It’s so much nicer to just fully be with the person you are with. It makes a huge difference and it can completely transform the existing sexual relationship that you have.

How do we get rid of this?

First, it’s to understand the problem, the challenge we are currently facing better. This is not an indication that there is something wrong with us or there is something bad with us. We have got to let all that morality stuff go because it gets in the way of making real changes. We are flexible, dynamic, immortal souls having a human experience. We simply tend to repeat through karma what we have done before until it’s fully embraced, understood, we get help with it, then we can move forward.

What does this mean on a practical basis?

It means when we have been in the habit of fantasizing for our whole lives before we even have sex, that habit does not just break because we start having sex. I fantasized about having sex with someone else for years before I actually did it.

As early on as six or seven years old, I used to fantasize about just having a girlfriend and making out, and then it grew from there until 12 or 13 years later, I finally had real sex.

Sure, the first time I was paying complete attention, but the more times I would be with the same girl though, often just maybe a third, fourth, or fifth time after that the fantasies would come back into play. I would be sufficiently used to having real sex and all of a sudden fantasy came back in.

Therefore, it’s very common if you have had sex with just yourself for a lot of your life, it’s very common to have that fantasy element whenever you are with someone else.

Hence, the first thing that makes the solution possible is identifying more of the root cause. What I’ve found is that the best way I am free of fantasy during sex is to be free of fantasy during the rest of my waking life.

I made a video about this and I’m grateful that there has been such a positive response.

Fantasy as I define it goes like this.

Fantasy is based on discomfort with the present moment, that things aren’t good enough now and we are escaping into our minds making up some fantasy that usually will never happen.

I spent at least half my time in high school in that state just wishing I was doing something else and fantasizing about all the other things I could do.

To be clear we aren’t looking to eliminate our imagination.

Imagination is a very powerful tool that we want to focus, that we want to use.

Imagination goes more like this:

“I’m very happy with how things are now. I’m consciously imagining what exactly I will create. I am taking control of my own reality and I’m imagining what I will bring into existence next.”

SEX How to Stop Thinking About Other People During Sex?

For example, I imagined this video and the matching blog post carefully before I did it. That uses the same space and attention that I used to spend fantasizing. The difference then is to focus the imagination on things we actually do want to happen, and we have the ability to get to work on making those things happen.

Now, there is nothing wrong if you want a beautiful partner to be with, to imagine that. The difference between imagination and fantasy, how we are talking about it, is with fantasy, you are tending to just imagine you are already with the beautiful partner and feel, “Wouldn’t life be better when that happens and I hate how things are now. I’m bored. I’m annoyed. I don’t want to be doing this.” I’m then escaping into this imagination, which we call fantasy.

The difference in imagination would be to picture that beautiful perfect partner you want, and then to imagine the entire process as to how you actually make that a reality.

That’s a huge difference.

Just as I’ve done with this video, I imagined the exact process I would make this a reality. I would go get my on-the-go blogging set up, so I could film this in an actual bedroom instead of my studio because I feel that’s more powerful given the subject.

I imagined getting the camera on and I imagined what I would say in the video. I imagined how you would feel and what a massive difference this would make in your life and I would never even know it.

I might see a like on the video, but I won’t even get to know the difference this makes in your life when in three years you are free of fantasizing about sex, you haven’t been doing it for years, you have the wonderful life of your dreams and you don’t even remember that this was a part of it.

I imagined that in the process of bringing this into a reality.

If we want to stop fantasizing, we need conscious control of our imaginations and we need to put them to work actually building the reality we want instead of hating the reality we are in and trying to use our imagination to get out of it.

That is the quick summary of how to stop fantasizing, how to morph our imagination from escape to constructive, and creation of the reality we do want.

For example, my wife and I were imagining the next child we would have and we imagined the child into existence. We imagined all the things around it. The difference is, we didn’t fantasize. We didn’t imagine that how much life would be better having a child.

What helps with stopping fantasy is realizing on the deepest level that things will be just the same.

Whatever life looks like, it might feel different, it might look different, but you really don’t get to go anywhere.

SEX How to Stop Thinking About Other People During Sex?

I’m grateful today to have this to share with you because this is a key first step with identifying that this is happening in my life.

Honestly, if I’m putting myself in my past shoes, about four years ago, I identified this is a habit and I said, “I’m doing this. I don’t like it and I don’t want to do it anymore.”

What I’ve found is that ceasing doing it myself, that means any self-sex, helps suppress fantasy. I just don’t like the word “masturbation,” but we are going to put it in there.

I don’t masturbate anymore because fantasy and masturbation go together.

Now, maybe it’s possible to just be so turned on by myself that I don’t need to even think of anyone else while I’m doing it, but for me, that’s not my experience. To me, doing it myself and fantasy have always gone hand in hand because the basic idea is, “Wouldn’t this be better if, let’s pretend like this was happening.”

So, the reality four or five years ago, I’m laying in my bed at night alone. Fantasy, there is a beautiful girl with me, and then let’s pretend like what I will get out of the fantasy.

I find that not masturbating at all helps a lot with removing fantasy because those two are completely linked, and yet any sexual stimulation of my body is linked to any other sexual stimulation.

You see, I can get out of the fantasy habit of sex by stopping any participation in fantasy myself.

Therefore, I do not masturbate because I want to fully enjoy and be present for the sex I’m having and I want to feel really good about it. I don’t want to feel any more shame or guilt, that I’m a filthy disgusting pervert because of all the fantasies I’ve had, and then to be having actual sex and bringing those same feelings derived from doing it myself.

This makes a huge difference, and yet I realize that may not be the perfect solution for everyone, that you might just be able to enjoy doing it yourself or you might not be with anyone right now.

I’ve found though, it helps to really focus on needing someone else and to train your mind that sex is something we do with other people, that you need help with it and not just any help, but help that you really are proud of, so to speak.

You want to be with someone you really love and enjoy, or you are having fun with, that way our minds and our bodies get trained that we have sex with someone else, we aren’t doing it by ourselves, and then pretending like someone else is around.

Ultimately, this helps us to connect because sex is a tool of intimacy and connection. It’s supposed to be enjoyed. It’s designed to have fun, to share it, and a lot of us are missing out on that.

I know a bunch of people who aren’t with anyone and one thing doing it ourselves does, it eliminates some of our need to go find someone else. It eliminates our need to connect because, “Hey, I can take care of this myself. Why go bother dealing with all the crap a partner will put me through?”

I’ve also found this helps me have a lot better behavior with my wife. I know there is only one way I’m getting to have sex and enjoying it at least.

Because while theoretically other things are possible, the only thing I want is to have awesome sex and enjoy it, and therefore, there is only one person who can satisfy that desire for me. There is only one person who can help me with that, and that motivates good behavior.

That motivates a good honest, trusting and loving relationship because I’m completely and totally dependent.

SEX How to Stop Thinking About Other People During Sex?

Now, you might argue that you want more independence. I find that complete dependence in this respect helps a lot and you might look at it as a weakness, and yet I’m grateful I’ve been having regular sex now for seven years for the first time in my life, and it’s really good.

Having regular sex helps a lot with happiness and having shame-free sex makes all the difference in the world. I am not able to have shame-free sex while I’m fantasizing about being with a different girl than I’m actually with.

Once we take these practical tools and say, “Okay, I’m going to stop. I’m going to use my imagination constructively. I’m going to leave my body just for someone else to enjoy with me essentially.”

Then, it’s simply a matter of accepting the thoughts we have in the moment because I still occasionally have a passing thought that comes through my mind.

The difference is like this.

Being in a subway or train station and a train comes in.

The difference in a passing thought versus a fantasy is the difference between standing and watching the train versus boarding it and going on the ride.

Sure, I see beautiful women on a daily basis besides my wife, and then when I have sex with my wife I’m usually so happy and excited to get to do it given there is no other release, that it just completely overpowers all of my thoughts.

Occasionally now my mind still thinks a little bit and the thought might cross my mind, “Well, wouldn’t it be nice if?”

Now, if I fight that thought, “No, no. It wouldn’t be nice. No. How dare you, you disgusting pervert? How dare you?”

If I fight that thought, it gets bigger and bigger.

What I do now if a thought like that comes through, I just let it go, just like a train in the train station. I watch it come, there it goes. I don’t even respond to it or react to it, the thought, “Wouldn’t it be nice if?” I kind of shrug my shoulders, “Eh, maybe. Probably not. I don’t know.”

The thought doesn’t get any momentum. It doesn’t have that shame, guilt, or resentment. It doesn’t have all that fuel to it. The thought just goes then and it’s back to no thoughts, or a different thought like, “Oh, my elbow is uncomfortable right now,” or things like that.

A lot of those thoughts and fantasies also get built out of fear. We are afraid that we are not going to be able to have good sex or we are still holding on to this guilt and shame, we are still holding on to these things that happened in the past.

Sometimes for that, we need to get help from other people and I find it’s helpful to talk with my wife as much as possible about all of my sex life as far as she wants to hear it. That means I’ve gone through my most shameful things with my sex life with my wife, and I realize it’s not appropriate for every single story or every single thing, and that’s where I get other help with these things.

This is where our relationships help us when you have done all the initial things I’ve said and you are still running into those fantasies, or you find that, as I often do, a lot of emotions come up when you know you are about to have sex. There is a lot of times my wife and I are about to have sex and I end up crying or just being a little on edge.

Getting what you want in life is often one of the most difficult things to deal with because it cuts out all that other mental fantasy stuff that things would be better if. When you are right about to get what you want, you know that there is nothing else essentially, except now. This is exactly what you wanted, and you are kind of fully present in this moment. So, anything else that is often lingering will show up.

SEX How to Stop Thinking About Other People During Sex?

What I’ve found is that talking with other people helps a lot for these things and I talk to anyone that I feel safe talking with.

For example, my sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous, between him and my wife we have gone through all my sexual stuff, all the worst things I feel ashamed of at various points in my life.

I feel very normal and healthy now, which is a miracle because I used to feel like a disgusting pervert and all I needed to do is just talk with someone about these ordinary and normal sexual things that so many of us do like watching adult movies.

You watch enough adult movies and have enough fantasies by yourself, and that single-handedly without even doing anything with anyone else is enough to leave you not feeling good about your own sex life.

When you don’t feel good about your body and your sex life, it means a bunch of fear comes up in the course of having sex and all these weird things come up too. You can’t have the lights on, you have to do it in certain places or certain positions. All these weird things come up because you don’t feel very good about yourself and I recognize those things myself and I’m grateful today that I’m here to share with you that I’ve eliminated a ridiculous amount of these things.

I love and enjoy sex better than I ever have before, which is a miracle and part of the process of keeping it that way is helping you, remembering all the people who helped me get to this point, especially in Alcoholics Anonymous, the men and some of the women, especially the men, who honestly shared their sex experience.

Some of them in an open discussion meeting where anyone could walk in and listen to it. Those men especially, I felt drawn to, I felt I could actually tell the truth for the first time in my life about everything I had seen and experienced, and then that frees me from thinking the truth about me as I’m some disgusting pervert.

It’s amazing what perspective from another person will do.

I told my grand sponsor for the first time about all the sexual stuff and I told a rector at an Episcopal Church. I told my sponsor about it and now I’ve got a whole book, Speaker Meeting 2017 with an entire hour-long chapter with all that stuff in there.

I’m amazed when I talked about these things that other people didn’t think they were that bad, and I’m grateful that I don’t have any massive horrible sexual burdens on me personally. I realize that for those of us who have done bad things, we don’t even know if we can tell absolutely anyone about them because they are so bad.

Those of us that have done maybe less severe things like for me, just watching a lot of adult movies, having a lot of fantasies and being with a lot of different girls, often that I didn’t know that well, or at all, then the way we heal and connect is for each of us to just share our truth.

If we want a lot of the things we hate in life, the very worst things that happen sexually, to get better, we need to hear people’s experience and stories that have actually done those things instead of having them shut away and locked up, so they can’t share that.

Because hearing what other people have done helps me to feel safe sharing what I’ve done, and then when I do that, I’m free from having to do anything else that feels bad when it comes to sex, even something as minor as having what some might call a harmless little fantasy while I’m having sex.

It’s not harmless because it stirs up all those feelings of not good enough, sex is gross and pervert. It stirs all those things and I used to hate the word “Creepy.”

I used to hate this word because that’s how I felt about myself, that I was creepy, that I had these nasty sexual desires that were weird, and the more people I’ve talked to, the more they seem totally normal and I’m grateful for that today.

SEX How to Stop Thinking About Other People During Sex?

Therefore, I’ve talked a lot about this because talking with people is essential. If just applying some of the things I did before doesn’t move the rock, talking to other people helps a lot.

Now, logically it might not make sense.

You might think, “Jerry, how is going to do a confession with the priest or whoever I need to talk to, help me stop fantasizing while I’m having sex?”

It doesn’t make exact logical sense and I will explain as best as I can.

When you don’t feel good about who you are, when you have this deep down belief that your sex desires are something nasty and perverted, or undesirable, then you need those fantasies to deal with the fear and all those negative feelings that come up when you do try to have sex with someone else and often by yourself.

In fact, I found that doing sex by myself felt nasty. It felt weird and it didn’t feel like I was doing the right thing and that’s just for me. I realize maybe different strokes for different folks, literally.

You see, talking about these things with other people helps us to essentially re-assimilate into the human race. I’m amazed the courageous emails I’ve received and contact from other people saying, “I’ve gone through this with my husband” or “I’ve gone through this with my partner.” I’m amazed at all the courageous stories I’ve heard as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous from other members about sexual things they have been through.

I feel really good about my sex life and my past after hearing what everyone else has been through. That’s the idea because even for people among us who have done the worst of the worst, just hearing all the other worst of the worst that has been done, it makes it seem manageable on an individual level. It helps us understand exactly how these things, like deviant sexual things that we hate, actually happen.

They happen when we don’t feel safe talking about our sex lives. I know several people, in Alcoholics Anonymous there is this fifth step where you basically do what I’m showing here. You reveal the nature of your wrongs to yourself and God, which that’s not a big deal, but then to another human being I guess it will be like, “Whoa, I’m going to tell someone about this stuff?”

I know several people using alcohol just like I used to, to try to knock down that sexual shame and the whole pain of sex and not having sex. I know several people who weren’t willing to go into that level of detail and sharing with the sex aspect of their lives and they invariably went back to drinking.

If you have got any other habits, a lot of negative habits and a lot of things in our lives we struggle with are sex-based, like maybe overeating, addictions, and a ton of these other things we struggle with.

We get to work on the sex issues.

When we fix the sex issues from little seemingly harmless fantasies up to whatever the biggest stuff is, then we can often make everything else in our lives much easier.

For example, I just have been trying the last few days to not having any more caffeine and that has felt really easy compared to not drinking.

The key to staying sober was to work on all this sex stuff because I remember that one of the things I hated about being sober was the sex thoughts and fantasies, which used to get way out of control in my mind, and the longer I would stay sober, it was as if they were on autopilot.

One sex fantasy led to another sex fantasy, and there was just constant fear that I was going to act out on some of these sex fantasies and thank God that working with, and talking to and helping other people has burst that whole fantasy bubble in my mind now.

It leaves me then with a strong awareness. Whenever that first thought comes and whenever I don’t immediately just let it go, “Oh, yeah. That’s interesting. Let’s think about that.”

I get this “I’m playing with fire” sensation, like this is something dangerous I’m doing, to be engaging in some fantasy like this and that is a healthy normal reaction to it, which allows me to just put it down.

It’s not that anything we are going to do is ever going to completely clear a stray thought from coming through. What we can do with all the things I’ve shared here is when the stray thoughts do come through we are prepared to let them go and we are prepared to pay attention and notice whenever one of them kind of snags a hold of us and starts dragging along.

SEX How to Stop Thinking About Other People During Sex?

“Oh, yeah. Wouldn’t that be great? Oh, yeah. She’s really hot. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don’t want to go on that ride right now. I’m sorry I boarded that train. I’m getting right off that. We’re going to let that go.”

We can see that having sex desires is part of a healthy normal human being. We are here to enjoy our sex desires. We are here to have fun with them. Our sex desires are a very powerful tool to connect and have intimacy with other human beings.

At the same time, our sex desires can get us into hell, especially when we have had things happen to us, where someone else had an inappropriate use and behavior of their sexual desires on us.

I talk more about that in my Speaker Meeting 2017 book where I go into how all these things happen. The fact is, if something has already happened there is nothing we can do about that itself. What we can do, is use that as an educational experience and a tool to help others.

What’s happened to me in my past with my sexuality is a tool that I have to help you now.

I’m grateful that I have this experience to share because if my sex life had just been really smooth, If I had never had any fantasies, then I would have a hard time understanding where you are coming from.

I’m imagining that if you have got this deep into this post, you are probably pretty deep into struggling with not wanting to fantasize during sex, and then finding that it doesn’t matter if you want to stop doing it or not, that your mind will continue doing it even if you have decided to stop it and you don’t like it.

I talked about it with my ex-girlfriend. I broke up with her and I said, “I’m never going to fantasize about being with another girl while I’m with the current one.”

I don’t know if it was the next girl, or the one after it, but it happened again almost right away and I didn’t even realize it for years because I was so used to it.

That was the same thing with my drinking, I swore a bunch of times, I swore to God, I swore to my wife, told all my friends I was getting sober, and then the day would come where I’d changed my mind or where I would forget the reasons I had tried to stay sober before.

All I would remember was what I liked about it and with the sex fantasies, it’s the exact same basic dynamic.

“All right, I’m never doing this again,” and I felt bad about it.

Then all of a sudden you are lonely one night, not sure what to do, you were going to go out with someone, and they didn’t call you back.

“F. them. This whole world is stupid. I need a distraction. Well, let’s imagine what things would have been like had things went well. Oh, yeah. All right. I can take care of this myself. I don’t need them.”

That’s what we are looking out for. That’s what we are preparing. That’s what we can do to help each other.

I’m grateful today that I have a wonderful sex life for the first time ever. These last few years, my sex life and hopefully my wife’s has been amazing. I’ve enjoyed the sex I’ve had. I’ve been present for it instead of thinking about where else I might be and every time we have sex it feels so much different.

It’s different every time because I’m appreciating all the little details of it, and then it’s very easy to have great sex. When I’m fantasizing, it’s hard to have great sex because I’m not really paying attention to what I’m doing in the moment. I’m kind of on autopilot and it’s as if my body is having sex and I’m missing out on it.

That’s why I’ve shared all this with you today because I can comprehend what a huge difference this can make for you today and I feel obligated.

In fact, you might have looked at me and it looked like I was kind of depressed or sad before I started talking about this, and this is how I get so much energy imagining what a huge difference this can make in your life.

I’m grateful all the men and courageous women at AA had the courage to share so many unbelievable things right out in open discussion meetings and talking with me person-to-person that now I’ve got a healthy perspective on sex.

SEX How to Stop Thinking About Other People During Sex?

It’s not something horrible, or some disgusting need my body has. It’s not something filthy I need to get taken care of. It’s not something that I’m better off just doing myself.

It is something that is an amazing opportunity to have fun and love, to enjoy life, connect and build deeper relationships with globally, collectively other human beings. Me personally with my wife, and with not doing it myself even.

The energy I get from focusing just on my wife is amazing.

I go through my day with very few sexual thoughts. I often go through a day with hardly any sexual thoughts, and yet when my wife is ready to do it, then I’m ready. My sex drive then is for me now to use responsibly and it’s really nice.

If you have been thinking tons of sexual thoughts your whole memorable life, and then your mind is suddenly freed up to think about other things, you wouldn’t believe how much you can do with that processing power.

I used to have sexual thoughts, I read some study that said a man thinks about sex every 7 seconds or so.

That’s not true.

It differs based on every single man, just the same as women. While men often do seem to think more about sex, the amount of thinking about sex does not have to relate specifically to some life circumstance.

When I was 18 and I was single, I endlessly thought about and fantasized about sex, even though I wasn’t having it.

Now, at 34 years old I have a very strong sex drive still. My sex drive is just as strong as 18 years old. My body is up for having sex several times a day, every day.

Now, my wife is not interested in doing that.

Every few days I’m able now to focus all of my energy on that one opportunity. It’s the difference if you have listened or read Harry Potter like the books behind me. It’s like Lord Voldemort having his soul split all over the place and not even knowing what different parts of his soul are doing.

My sex energy now is focused and that allows me to have my mind freed up to imagine different things. I’ve got a limited amount of thinking time each day per se. In the same amount of time, I can either have some essentially useless sex fantasy that hurts me like I did for all of high school, lots of college and pretty much most of my adult life until a few years ago, or I can have my thoughts freed up to imagine anything I want to.

This has been one of those huge things that’s helped my business. I’ve got time to imagine how I can really help someone with my business online because I’m not thinking about some sex fantasy all day, and yet it doesn’t mean my sex drive has been incapacitated. It means it’s actually balanced. When it’s ready, when all the energy comes out at once, I can barely think about anything else.

It’s so exciting.

All the energy is still there and I get excited, which it blows me away.

I get excited about it like I’m still 18.

I know if I had even a chance to have sex at 18, that consumed my entire mind.

Now, the problem is, it consumed my mind. If I had a date Friday, it would consume my mind the whole week until Friday. I noticed I would be so happy and excited, “Yes. We’re going to do this,” and then the older I got and the more sex I had, it started to be more ordinary and I wouldn’t even think about it or care about it, “Oh, might get to have sex tonight. That’s great.”

I would be still in fantasies, but now I get so excited and it has the maximum fun back, which is really nice. I think this is possible for anyone. I don’t care what you have been through before. I don’t care how horrible your memories are of the past.

In fact, the worst memories you have of the past, you might argue you have got more valuable tools out of those. There are some things I haven’t experienced at least in this lifetime, that I just am not likely to be able to offer very good help to someone else on, because I haven’t been through them.

I have a lot of things that I just can’t make videos on because I haven’t been through them. This one I’ve been through it and I can make a video that can help a lot, which can turn into a blog post that can help a lot.

The thing is you have got a unique opportunity to help other people with.

This is one of those things in life, when we get to work on it, we get help with it and we are honest. It’s important for all this stuff to be honest, even if it makes us sound bad.

I’ve called my sponsor and I’m not completely free of sexual fantasies.

You know what motivates me when a bunch of sex thoughts starts snowballing into a fantasy?

I tell on myself.

I will call my sponsor and say, “All right, you know, listen. I’ve been having a lot of sexual thoughts about this girl and I’m not sure what’s going on with it and I just thought I’d tell you about it.”

You see, what that does, it takes the mind’s desire and ability to operate in secrecy away.

If I’m thinking about something, I know I’m accountable to talk about it now and I will tell you that I don’t want to talk about the kind of stuff I used to think about. That helps me today when I start thinking about something, “Do I want to talk about this with anyone? Nope. All right. We’re going to drop it. I’m not going to think about that anymore. Not interested in talking about this with anyone else.”

One of the coolest things I’ve ever done, one of the things that’s made the biggest difference, after years of fantasizing and having sexual thoughts, for the first time and fairly recently, I talked with one of the objects of those sex thoughts and fantasies, without the ability to satisfy it.

I had never done that before. I had never just honestly laid it out and said, “You know what, I’ve been having a lot of sexual thoughts about you. It doesn’t mean that I have any intention on having sex with you. I’m telling you this because it’s the truth. I’m telling you this because I need to get this out. I’m telling you this because I need help with it.”

Now, obviously, if you are fantasizing about some girl in class that you don’t know and haven’t talked to before, I wouldn’t recommend just coming out with that first thing.

That said, you never know, I trust your intuition.

For me, this naturally happened with the first close attractive girl that I ever was friends with in my entire life.

As an adult I had never once been friends with an attractive girl because if I couldn’t have sex with her, then it just ruined the whole thing with me, and therefore, I never once was able to share with someone about the existence of those fantasies in my mind and have it be just purely shared in a platonic relationship, not used as a means to try to make those a reality.

The amazing revelation I got back from the girl was that it didn’t bother her that I had those thoughts, especially since I had made it very clear that I have no interest in taking any action on them.

“I’m just telling you this because I need to, because it’s the truth.”

One day she asked me what I was thinking about and I ended up lying because the truth was I had been having a lot of sexual thoughts about her and when she asked, “What are you thinking about?” I lied, and then the next time I saw her I felt bad about it.

I said, “I lied to you and I don’t feel good about that. I did it out of habit and I realized I need to tell you the truth about this. I need to tell you something and it’s just to tell you. Just to get it out there. Just to be honest. Not for any kind of action or follow up in regards to what I’m saying.”

SEX How to Stop Thinking About Other People During Sex?

The amazing thing is as soon as I did that, the amount of sex thoughts, which had already been reduced have gone to almost zero now, because I’ve got the idea in my head that a lot of the people I might fantasize about sexually, it doesn’t even bother them and on some level I thought it was bothering people, that I was doing something wrong to have a sexual thought about anyone besides whoever I was with.

Without that shame behind it, it’s feeling like I’m having these thoughts because I’m a bad person, that these thoughts are proof that I’m a pervert, or these thoughts are proof I’m not a loyal husband or I can’t be faithful.

I realized these thoughts are fairly normal and I’ve talked with my wife about this same thing as well, I asked, “Do you have sexual thoughts very often?”

She answered, “No, I don’t think about that very often.”

That has helped us to connect too because my wife exists in a world that I’m now in, but I wasn’t in before where I don’t think about sex a whole lot.

When my wife goes without it for a little while, it’s not as big of a deal to her. When she understands that the longer I go without it, my body starts to look at it like some kind of life-and-death thing.

“Oh, my God. You know. We haven’t tried to procreate lately. Our genes. We might totally die out. Quick, whoever’s near. Whoever’s near.”

My brain has some kind of reptile programming like this is a life-and-death emergency that needs to urgently be handled. The more I talked about that with my wife and with my friend who is a girl, I saw that it’s not the same programming they have.

This helps my wife to better understand that this is kind of the unique pain I have as a man, and I’m sure there are women that have it and men that don’t.

But for me, this seems to be kind of those normal pains of being a man where it’s kind of obvious for me to see a lot of the pains my wife has as a woman. I feel better now, to understand these are kind of normal pains being a man, that after a certain time not having sex the brain goes into life emergency, procreation necessary, and anyone who is nearby will work.

It’s okay.

It’s not something horrible to be ashamed of.

In fact, you could say by choosing to incarnate as a man I signed up for this, the same way you might say choosing to incarnate as a woman signed you up for the possibility of having kids and all the things that go with that.

That has also helped me a ton with the fantasies, to actually be able to express the fantasies honestly in a plutonic environment.

I’m glad I remembered, I almost forgot that. That is very powerful and I recommend that towards the end, once you fully went through the rest of the things I shared before.

The universe will tend to put the right person in your life for this when you trust your attraction.

I know after the one friend I had where I live here I felt as soon as I met this girl in a work context, I had a very strong attraction to her like as friends, and there was a very strong sexual attraction there as well. And for the first time in my life, I was able to be friends despite that sexual attraction and without acting out on it, and to me that seems like a miracle.

You see, when I was ready for that learning experience, it was put directly in front of me. As soon as I had done all the other work I described before, that learning experience, that friendship was put directly in front of me, and I’m so grateful for that today because I’ve learned so much out of it.

I am sure the opportunity was there before for me to have a friend who is a girl, who is attractive and near my age. I had never been ready for that learning experience. I had never got to have that opportunity before.

What’s so exciting to share this with you is that you might be opening up that same kind of thing, and experience connecting, vulnerability and honesty with another person.

It’s awesome and especially if you are in a situation like me where you do have a partner, you do have the chance to have regular sex, to be able to make the most of it because it’s amazing how fast things seem to go by.

SEX How to Stop Thinking About Other People During Sex?

It seems like just a little while ago I was a child being raised by a couple of parents.

Now, I’m the dad. I’m the man of the house now, which seems crazy.

It’s just a little while ago, I was the irresponsible teenager fantasizing and frustrated about sex all the time.

Now, I have a beautiful perfect partner I’m with, whom we have regular sex and it’s really good. I’ve had the chance to work on and overcome all of my sex baggage that I accumulated before we even got together, and then didn’t work on much while we were first together, and that is all possible today.

I’m imagining the amazing sex life you can have because we need more people on this earth having an amazing sex life. This earth is filled with miserable sexually frustrated people who take it out in anger, car accidents and murder.

We need as many people as possible who have wonderful, healthy, happy sex lives and have the courage to open up and tell the truth about them to the people around them, so that we can spread this thing, that we can spread happy, amazing, healthy and shame-free sex.

That’s the bigger picture that you have made it all the way to the end. It might provide a really strong motivation that you have the ability to help so many other people have a better sex life and helping others is really helping ourselves.

I feel so good all day every day, except some occasional days or moments where I just can’t believe I incarnated in this filthy human form and it’s all disgusting. We just need to be wiped off the planet.

Most of the time I’m really happy because I experience all that love and joy. All that help that I give out to you, I get to feel good from it.

Thank you very much for getting all the way to the end of this post.

I love you.

You are awesome.

That’s why I’ve shared this.

If you found anything helpful in here, will you please leave a like on the YouTube video because you will feel good doing that little tiny action that helps a lot?

Your like on this video is enough to help more people find it, and the more people who find it, we might get some more miracles of transformation into loving, happy, healthy sexual human beings who are enjoying sex instead of all the other awful stuff that happens with it.

If you want to participate in the discussion, we have all the comments and discussion happen on YouTube because every comment helps the video rank higher, and you might be able to help someone else in the comment.

You might have an experience different from mine that you can help and connect with someone else in the comments.

Who knows?

Your next partner might be lurking in the comments.

If you would like more videos like this, will you please subscribe because this has been another episode of my Happier People Podcast.”

I do these as often as I can for all the reasons I’ve already shared.

Thank you and I hope to see you again on another video.


Jerry Banfield

Edits from video transcript by Michel Gerard at