dating the right person

dating the right person

Are You Dating The Right Person or Not? Top 5 Ways to Verify!

If you are dating the right person, you should find the list below quite helpful in proving that you are right.  If you are not dating the right person, you might find the list below helpful in giving yourself proof you need to move on.  You also might find it to be a total pile of crap based only on what I know from experience about dating the right person and dating a lot of the wrong people.  In that case, maybe you will get a laugh out of how awful it is!

What do I know about dating the right person?

  • I know that dating was the most difficult thing I ever did.  I failed at dating the right person so many times I can’t count and I was the most miserable on account of my dating failures.  All this finally changed when I met my wife on match.com after struggling since fifteen to be happy with my dating life.  You can know that I have done dating wrong nearly every way you can and finally figured out a way to do it right through those mistakes.
  • I am lucky to be blessed with a good memory which helps me recall exactly how I felt during the nearly ten years where I was terrible at dating the right person and failed all the time.  I finally succeeded by figuring out what to do right and how to verify that.  The list below is what I used to verify my wife was right for me and that I was right for her.  The list below was finalized after I had my longest consistent dating failure with an ex before meeting my wife.

Top 5 ways to verify you are dating the right person or verify that you need to move on.

  • Rather than giving you a set list of “features” to look for or “behaviors” to check for, I am going to ask you a series of questions that inspires you to think.  Based on what you think in response to these questions, you should have the answer to whether you are dating the right person or not.
  • The idea with this list is that the collective responses you make together will be helpful.  You may be in the best relationship in the world and still have one of these that indicates a bad relationship.  You might be dating the worst person in the world but one of the questions may make you think you are dating the right person.  All of these taken together should give you evidence in the direct you want it to be.

What was your very first thought when you met?

My first thought when I met my wife was WOW!  My first thought when I met the ex before her was “total disappointment.”  My thoughts from a few girls before were “She’s cute” and “Whoa” and “You’re fatter than I expected.”  Naturally I have formed all of these words into utter simplicity out of what was a quite complex feeling.  Your first thought is the most honest judgement you will ever get of the person you are with and one you should always take immediate action on.  This is really hard sometimes because your first thought may not line up at all with what your rational mind recommends.   For example, the one ex I had the “total disappointment” thought about had already spent hours talking with me on the phone and online prior to meeting her in person.  I was devasted when my unconscious brain fed me the “total disappointment” thought as soon as I saw her get out of her car.  To say total disappointment I hope communicates the message but let me go further.  When I saw her, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and slapped across the face and then spit on.  All of these have actually happened to me of course which made feeling them all at the same time make me want to puke.  Sadly, this honest feeling was not enough to make me realize I was not dating the right person.

The worst part was that this feeling was completely against what my rationale brain had planned.  My rational brain told me that I had spent hours talking to this girl already, she was at least not fat, and I should spend some time to get to know her.  What the fuck did my first impression matter anyway?  My first impression was the most honest and it took me three months of suffering through a relationship that was not good for either of us before I finally got to the point where I knew in my rational brain that I clearly was not dating the right person.  Once I figured that out, breaking up still was difficult.  If I had followed my first thought when I met her, how much easier would it have been?  How was this different from my wife and how might this differ for you when you are dating the right person?

When I met my wife for the first time, my first thought was WOW.  The best way to describe it is on the way home from our first lunch date, I felt like I was floating in the clouds when I was driving.  I knew that I could be really happy with her if things worked out.  I felt both impressed with how she looked and like she was a warm and loving person.  This contrasted deeply with the other times I had positive impressions of girls I had dated.  The feeling is hard to figure out at the time since knowing the difference between “Wow you are hot but I think you might kill me” and “Wow you are hot but I can totally picture us having a boring marriage together” and “Wow you are really hot and I think you could love me forever” is very subtle in the moment if you are not used to openly processing your feelings which I was not until dating my wife.  The bottom line is if you ever question whether you are dating the right person or not, your first feeling is by far the most honest.  The rest of this list may be helpful in reconnecting you with that first feeling you get after dating the right person or dating the wrong person.  If you want to read an awesome book dedicated to clearly defining this feeling I have just described, I highly recommend Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink.  Read more about Blink and buy it on Amazon here.  When you make an immediate purchase using this link, Amazon will give me a few cents as a thank you and I can use that to show more people this post which I explain the value of doing at the end.

How do your friends and family treat you both when you interact or how do you feel about bringing the person you are dating around your family and friends?

Actions speak louder than words.  Families and friends are often very helpful at giving good feedback on the person you are with.  The problem is that often what is said is hard to interpret and often wrong based on what type of family you have.  The most honest way I have found to employ friends and family to give feedback about whether I am dating the right person or not is to see how they behave around me when I am with the person I am dating.  My memories of this are shocking to me mainly because I never would have predicted how different people could act based on who I was with.  When I was with every girl before my wife, my family always acted worse towards me when they were with both of us at the same time.  By worse I mean they did just a few more things that were rude, said a few more things that put me down, and showed their bad side a little more than usual.  My family and friends were quite consistent with this regardless of the girl which should have helped me see I was not dating the right person.

When I brought my wife home for the first time, everything was different.  Every time they ever spent with her they somehow were completely different than they had been with every other girl.  For example, when a situation would come up were my inadequacies were apparent, they would join my girlfriends in putting me down which I don’t think is uncommon in nearly any family.  Even though my wife has spent more time with my family now than all of my old girlfriends combined, I do not ever remember my family working together with my wife to put me down.  It seems to be understood that she would not like that and they just don’t do it.

Think about how your friends and family treat you when you are with the person you are dating.  Do they act a little better or a little worse than usual?  Do they omit saying things either nice or nasty you would expect them to say?  Often one of the strongest actions is willful omission of what is normal.  In short, I have never seen my family and friends behave so good as they do around my wife.  I never would have believed it before I saw it and find it as clear evidence I am dating the right person!

How would you feel if you lost the person you are dating forever right now?

If the first word you thought after reading this was “relieved,” you might want to pack your things now!  The first time my packed all of her things and left, I thought “finally” and “I hope she doesn’t come back.”  This is the same ex I had the “total disappointment” first impression with.  The problem is even when we know we are in a bad situation, we are creatures of habit.  Studies suggest that abusive relationships often take six to seven tries before they are successfully ended.  It took me another month to break up with my ex after she left even though I have never been the kind of person to wait around and give people a chance.  I have been on hundreds of first dates and a lot less second dates.   If there are any significant positive feelings surrounding the person you are dating not being in your life, you are obviously not dating the right person.

By contrast, if anything happened to my wife I hope I would survive and figure the closest analogy to the experience would be having my arm and leg cut off.  My Mom just lost my Dad after being together for over thirty years and this has been the most suffering I have ever seen anyone I care about go through.  To be fair, my Mom thought my Dad was a jerk when she first met him and her family acted terrible around him.  Still, they made it together for more than thirty years and had a wonderful life together against all odds.  I hope you don’t have to go this far to figure out whether you are dating the right person or not.  Regardless whether you are dating the right person or not, you are going to suffer through a lot of the worst parts of life with the person you are dating at the moment.  The question you might want to ask to figure out if you are dating the right person is:

Is this the person you want to suffer through the worst things in life with?

I feel like seeing a hot girl or guy and picturing doing all of the best things in life with them is easy.  I know I certainly did from the time I was in first grade.  What I wish I could have shared with myself is the value of looking at the person you are dating and thinking about experiencing all of the things that really suck in life with them.  My wife has been through my alcoholism, my excessive video gaming, me going crazy with work when I started my company, and most recently my Dad dying.  You might not think she is dating the right person based on all of this but the fact is we all have problems and we all experience suffering.  Whoever you are dating is stuck with your problems and you are stuck with theirs as long as you are together.  When you are dating the right person, you will feel great about being their from them through their problems.  In fact, I love that my wife makes all of these tough times of life much better.  Being with her encouraged me to finally join Alcoholics Anonymous which has helped me stay sober after more than ten failed attempts earlier in life.  I started gamingaddiction.net and my company just a couple months after moving in with my wife to help me define responsible video game play for both myself and the world.  My wife has been the foundation of dealing with my grief over losing my Dad in a positive way by being there for my Mom.

By contrast, I was not willing to go through anything bad with any of my exes and this should have been a huge indicator I was not dating the right person.  I told one ex that there was no way in hell I would ever deal with her special needs sister.  All of my exes told me there was no way in hell they were going to stay with me through my drinking and video gaming.  The fact that neither party in any of my previous relationships was willing to put up with any of the bad sides of the other was a great indication we were both not dating the right person which is the only scenario that ever exists.

How compatible are you with the person you are dating on the things that you really care about and that they really care about?

In all of the dating advice I read when I was younger, I rarely heard any good insights on compatibility beyond sexuality and superficial topics.  There are so many different ways to have a relationship today and so many different people to be with.  There are career women that want a stay at home man.  There are career guys that want another career guy to be with.  There are girls that would be perfectly fine living at home with you and your family.  There are women that want a man that acts manly and never cries.  There are women like my wife that embrace my sensitive side and respond really well to it.  There are people that are fine with an open relationship and people that want to be in a committed relationship.  There are people that think marriage is good for as long as it lasts and there are people that think death is the only way to leave a marriage.  With the emergence of rights for women, open acceptance of GLBT, and new technology that encourages both disconnection and long distance, communication about compatibility have never been more important to dating the right person.

If you are not compatible in an area that is important to you or that is important to who you are with, often seeing other people is the best solution.  Many of the areas most important to us are not flexible and you will never be happy the same with someone that is not willing to do the things important to you.  For example, many girls enjoy getting flowers.  Before meeting my wife, I thought that I should never get a girl flowers unless I had to apologize for something.  Why would I waste money on something that just died?  With my wife, I started buying her flowers on our fifth date and have continued buying her flowers every time they flowers she has that I last gave her die.  My thought is another guy can’t possibly come in and give her something she does not have if I am giving her everything she really wants.  What most people want is to be loved a little bit every day.  If you are compatible with the person you are dating, you will find it easy to give them what they want most days.  If you are not compatible, you will suffer hurt and more hurt despite your best efforts.  In most of my past relationships, I thought I was always doing the right things and was taken totally by surprise when I got dumped or cheated on.  The truth was that what I thought was right usually had nothing to do with what the girl I was with thought was right because we were not compatible.  My wife helped me figure out what I should do that she liked mostly be being a good listener which encouraged me to become a better listener.  One of the biggest areas of incompatibility for me prior to being with my wife was being with girls that were not good listeners.  The reason was not that I was a good listener but exactly the opposite.  I was not a good listener except when I wanted to destroy someone in an argument in which case I listened annoyingly well only to the points I could use against them.  I did not realize I needed to find a girl that was a good listener to help me build this skill which I lacked myself.  My wife on the other hand needed to be with someone that mad her laugh because she was often a serious person on her own.  When she dated guys that were also serious, the relationship tended to not be a lot of fun.  Being a good listener, she found it easy to laugh at what I said.  Seeing her laugh made me feel great about making her feel great which encouraged me to find more ways to do that like getting her flowers.

The bottom line with compatibility is that you need to get to know a lot of people often to figure out who you are compatible with.  By get to know, I met go out on a lot of first dates, talk to a lot of people around you, and get to know people.  The more you get to know people in general, the more you will be able to figure out if you are dating the right person based on your compatibility.

What can you do now on your path to dating the right person?

After asking yourself these questions, I hope you might have a bit better idea what to do next to begin or keep dating the right person.  The problem is that dating the right person is one of the hardest things I ever did in my life and the most important for most of our happiness.  If you feel like you have a long journey ahead of you, you might be right.  I hope by sharing what I have learned with you that I can make your journey in dating the right person a little easier than mine was.  A lot of the information I read when I was trying to find the right person to date was poisonous and hurt my ability to be dating the right person.  I discovered along the way that the information I put in my head related to dating the right person was just as important as actually going on dates and getting to know people.  I read a lot of bad advice on dating and ended up having a lot of bad dates as a result.  I have wrote this with the hope that in giving you good information, you can have a bit easier time with dating the right person than I did.  If you want to get started meeting new people and make sure more people can see this post, sign up for match using this link now to get a three day free trial.  When you do, Match will give me a few dollars as a thank you for generating your subscription and I will be able to put this post into more paid advertising.  When I put this post into more paid ads, I can make sure people read this instead of the bad information I got when I needed help.  If you want to chat with me about your situation, you can also schedule a Skype call here.

Thank you for reading this post about dating the right person and I hope to see you on my website again soon!