Best Visualization to End Arguments with a Spouse or Partner? #206

Best Visualization to End Arguments with a Spouse or Partner?

How can we use visualization to instantly end an argument or an annoyance or disconnection with especially a romantic partner, like a spouse, a girlfriend, boyfriend, fiancé, that we can also apply to any relationship in our life?

Best Visualization to End Arguments with a Spouse or Partner? #206

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If you would like to hear this, will you please watch this as a video, listen to it, or read it as a blog post, because I’m about to share a story with you that I think you will find really helpful next time you are in an argument or an uncomfortable spot with someone in your life.

I imagine this will work for you as good as it worked for me.

I’m grateful to be here with you today and to have a message of love, hope and faith to share with you.

Best Visualization to End Arguments with a Spouse or Partner?

Here’s a story from last night from my wife and I.

We were sitting on the couch, we were giving our daughter a bath for bedtime, and we were out in the living room.

I will go sit down in the actual spot we were in.

So here you can see, this is our couch and this is the spot we were sitting in. Laura was sitting at my right and I was sitting over here.

I’ve learned that body language is pretty helpful. If you sit in kind of a confrontational defensive body language, like with your arms closed up, or legs all close up to your body, all tense and separate, that can make things harder.

Best Visualization to End Arguments with a Spouse or Partner?

Laura and I have gotten in a habit of normally to at least maintain some kind of a little gentle physical contact or even holding hands. Things like that can help a lot for having a disconnection and argument or frustration be resolved easier.

I did a visualization last night that was super helpful. Laura and I were sitting on the couch right here, and there was a minor annoyance that came up at giving Madeline a bath. Something was said, a minor annoyance that however it came up is irrelevant. The end result was we were both annoyed.

Laura was annoyed that I was annoyed. I was annoyed that Laura was annoyed. Laura was annoyed that I was annoyed that Laura was annoyed. The usual kind of, in Eckhart Tolle’s terms, “pain body,” where you are just both irrationally in pain and feeling disconnected, judging each other, feeling like it shouldn’t be like this. A very normal and minor kind of thing.

Some couples manage to exist in this every day on a normal basis, that looks like hell to me. Laura and I, we have been together about eight years now and this is an unusual state for us. We are usually in a state of peaceful cooperation. The first step is, of course, to identify that we are in a little annoyed, disconnected state. What I do then is pray, “God help me. God help us. Let me remember I love my wife. I’m loving my wife right now. I’m grateful to be here with her today.”

Sometimes that will just do it right there. Just some prayers will quickly knock me back into a normal state of love and appreciation for my wife.

Last night, that did not do it. I was still sitting here on the couch as she was sitting over next to me feeling aggravated, irritated, thinking that things shouldn’t be like this, feeling annoyed.

Best Visualization to End Arguments with a Spouse or Partner?

I did a visualization that absolutely shattered the annoyed mindset. It’s something a lot of us aren’t willing to get into and I will tell you why.

You want relief, you do the things that work. I will give you something that will work. It will shatter your little irritated mindset.

What I did yesterday, is I thought to the future. I thought forward and I reflected on the past. I thought about my father and mother who had some amazing fights and a very passionate relationship. They raised my brother and I, and we were together 30 years.

Dad died and he has been gone almost five years in terms of his body. His spirit is very much with me and guides me still, but his physical body, the last one he was in at least, has left this earthly plane. He was cremated and burned up, all gone. The man I loved and raised me as a father, that was it.

I thought that for Laura and for me.

That’s where we are headed.

We are on our way to the crematorium.

Now, hopefully, not next week or anything, but whether it’s in 5 or 10 years, next week or tomorrow, or in 100 years, it all kind of is irrelevant when you consider that’s where this relationship is going.

That’s where we are on our way too because that helps restore perspective. At some point, our life which we find so beautiful now, which we are so grateful for will be completely annihilated.

I looked into some of my relationships in the past. I had a girlfriend in college I was so in love with at the time, thought we would get married and have a family, that relationship has been completely annihilated as if it never even existed anymore aside from a few memories in my head and maybe in hers and other people’s too.

What once was a relationship where we would have arguments and fights, that’s annihilated, it’s gone. It’s gone so completely, it’s almost as if it never existed and it’s only been something like 10 years since that happened. Give it a few thousand, this entire life that we are living will all be completely erased.

Best Visualization to End Arguments with a Spouse or Partner?

You might think, “Well, so what? What does that matter?”

It gives a certain sacredness and gratitude when you think about that, to just appreciate exactly what’s happening. It was as if last night I did this visualization. I pictured Laura and I both on fire because that’s where this is going. The most likely end result for this body is that it will be burned and since Laura and I both elected to be cremated, that’s the probable end destination with this particular body.

Now, my soul will not be affected by the body being burned, but the body itself that I identify with, the relationship with Laura that I’m so grateful for and enjoy, that’s where this is headed. We are both on our way there. That is the future we are on our way to.

And seeing that, picturing her body on fire and mine, and being burned up, it brought me back to gratitude for the present. Thinking of it from my mom and dad’s point of view, Mom says, “Oh, I’d give anything for just five minutes with your father,” and whenever she says that, she never specifies that it has got to be five minutes while they are just having a good time together. She never says that because she doesn’t think of it that way. She would just give anything for five minutes to be with Dad again, whatever they were doing.

When you do this visualization, it’s like you have the ability to time travel in the future and to be in a place where you and your relationship partner are both dead. You’re done. That’s it. Or even if you are not dead, you are divorced, or whatever.

I’ve seen lots of people in my life divorcing. I actually thought of a family member who may be working on a divorce and look at the absolute ruin of what once was a beautiful relationship. From now their relationship has been all but destroyed.

I look at it now and man if you knew that was coming for your relationship, wouldn’t you want to fully savor and appreciate every single moment of it as if it was winning the lottery?

The best thing in the world, you can imagine and that’s the mind state.

I started visualizing that, picturing my wife and I just burning up, picturing the destruction we have seen happen to other people’s relationships, and knowing that it is the end for our relationship and these two bodies also, that we are coming to the same end whether it is dying together holding hands in bed as I picture when we are like 100 years old. We will just lay down together holding hands in bed, and leave our bodies behind, and they will get cremated and burned.

Whether that’s how it ends or whether it ends some other way in a sudden airplane crash or car accident, it really doesn’t matter, that is the end that is coming for us.

Best Visualization to End Arguments with a Spouse or Partner?

With that in mind, with looking at life how my mother does today, with Dad having been gone and she still says she would give anything for just five minutes with Dad. She would trade the whole rest of her life, I think she said that, for like five minutes with Dad.

And here I am all of a sudden with that awareness.

I’m sitting on the couch with my wife.

So what if Laura’s annoyed?

So what?

This is just as good as any other moment with her, and what happened is I started just sobbing because, you know, all these things I’ve just talked about, are pretty intense, right?

I just started sobbing and Laura didn’t say anything. She kept being annoyed and I sat there grateful to be with her and suddenly I was no longer annoyed.

I was able to completely forgive.

Forgiveness in the whole situation is so perfect that this is just how I would have it be. It doesn’t need to be any other way.

My mind started to throw some things in like, “Do you think we’ll have any quality time together later?” and I said, “I don’t know. I don’t care. However it goes, it is fine. It doesn’t matter. It’s okay just as it is. This moment together is enough. It doesn’t need to have a future moment attached to it to be good enough.”

Then after minutes, I don’t know how long, but it was a lot of minutes of silence, five minutes maybe, Laura suddenly said, “You know, when I’m annoyed I don’t like it when you ask me what’s going on because it’s enough for me to just be annoyed. It doesn’t need to be any deeper thing.”

Best Visualization to End Arguments with a Spouse or Partner?

I received that and I said, “Thank you. That’s very helpful guidance with me. I will remember this next time.”

Because some of my conditioning is to always seek some deeper issue. It can’t just be a little minor passing aggravation. There has got to be some deeper issue at play. What’s really going on underneath this surface annoyance?

She was able to fully express how she felt and I was able to just fully receive that, internalize it and process it without taking it personally and say, “Okay, thank you for giving me a way to more effectively collaborate with you. Thank you for having that uncomfortable conversation with me.”

All of a sudden, as soon as Laura said that, she had got out what she needed to say, she wasn’t annoyed anymore. There was no going to bed and being all frustrated and carrying on for several days.

One of the couples that their relationship has since been annihilated, I remember them talking, they would go about days they would be aggravated at each other, and Laura and I used to spend lots of time aggravated at each other, and today, I don’t have any time to waste for that.

Now, I can see where this is going, total annihilation. I’ve got no time to waste with being aggravated or annoyed with Laura, and not with anyone in my life.

I’m grateful today to have this message to share with you because I imagine what a difference this can make for you. I imagine all those fights and all those times my mother and father were together and didn’t appreciate it.

Now, having the relationship being annihilated, and how much Mom thinks it would be nice to have a few more minutes with Dad, how grateful I am today for each minute I have together with each member of my family because we are all going in the same direction. No one gets out of this alive and that’s what gives us opportunity to fully appreciate what we have today.

Best Visualization to End Arguments with a Spouse or Partner?

I love you.

You are awesome and that’s why I have this message to share with you today, and because on a selfish level, I intend to remember this next time.

I am under no illusion and I’m free of getting into another little annoyance with Laura, and yet I’ve learned that the faster I can apply these things, like last night I applied this within, I think the initial annoyance happened at maybe 8:15 and was resolved by maybe 10:00 with about an hour of putting my daughter to bed, and that being on a little bit of an undercurrent.

That’s the biggest annoyance or disruption we have had in our relationship and at least a week, and I’m sharing this with you so that I remember it faster. I’d like it to take less than an hour next time of mild unpleasantness. I’d like it to happen almost instantly.

So, I’m here to teach this to myself and hopefully give you another way because what’s hard is when you don’t see that there is another way. When you are annoyed and frustrated next time in a relationship, if you didn’t already know, there is another way. You don’t have to look at it how you are looking at it. You can visualize and think about the end and realize, “Hey, I know where this is going and I don’t want to miss a thing.”

Alright, I’m grateful for the chance to share this and I don’t want to miss a thing. I want to do some more of these for you.

I love you.

You are awesome.

I appreciate the chance to share this with you and I imagine I will see you again soon on my Facebook or YouTube, or on my podcast, or on the blog post that all this goes towards.


Jerry Banfield

Edits from video transcript by Michel Gerard at