Here is where I have landed on first dates. They are not really about the first hour. A first date is a short test of whether two people want the same things and whether they can treat each other with respect while they find out. I now show up open and try to give something real, and I walk out at the first comment that is cruel or dismissive. It took me years and a lot of bad evenings to get there, so the stories below are my honest record of how I got here.
What I want has also become clearer. I want a woman who wants kids, who takes care of her body, and who can talk to me without contempt. Attraction matters to me, but a first date is where I find out whether the attraction is backed by anything real. I used to be too agreeable on dates just to keep the peace. Now I hold my ground.
The oldest story is a 2019 trip to Hilton Head with a dispatcher I was crazy about. I had wanted that trip so badly, and once I was in the middle of it, I was miserable. That is where I learned that getting exactly what you want does not automatically make you happy. In a December 2025 post I started treating dates like practice, the way you would work on free throws, and I met a woman from Hinge at a mall. By the end of the afternoon I knew we were not compatible, and I was glad I had gotten some reps in.
By February 2026 the practice was paying off. In my journal from that day I describe a first date where I was let down at first because I had built her up too much in my head, and then I found myself wanting to see her again. I wrote to her afterward that I would love to see her again. That same stretch of time I was also paying for a matchmaking service, which gave me eleven more matches to work through.
In August 2026 I went to a speed dating event in Tampa and then a singles mixer in Sarasota, and I came home with two phone numbers. Dating after my divorce has been the most interesting, most emotional, most challenging, and most fun part of my year.
Then came the worst date I have ever had. It came through a matchmaking service, so I effectively paid $625 for it. After I had booked the time, the woman asked for a virtual date instead, and I said no, because she lives close enough to meet in person. When we sat down, she spent about 30 minutes arguing with me about health, about how dangerous the world is for women, and about family court, where she said men get what they deserve. Then she got up and walked out, and I sat there and finished my tea.
That date changed my rule. I used to sit through things like that to be polite. Now the rule is that the first messed-up thing a woman says, I get up and leave, and I would rather leave five minutes in than thirty. I am still not sure that rule is perfect, since most people say something messed up on a first date at some point. But my time is valuable, and I have decided I will protect it.
The posts below run newest first, from that $625 date back to the 2019 memoir excerpt. They are not a tidy story, and they include the parts where I come off badly, and that is why I think they belong together. If you are more interested in the single-life side of this, my hub on dating after divorce and asking women out covers that topic from another angle, and the divorce hub explains how my marriage ended and what came after.
If you want a second opinion on your own dating profile or on a first date you are dreading, you can get a personal video review from me at https://jerrybanfield.com/review/.
On this page
Every post I have written on this subject is below in full, newest first, each under its own heading.
- I Paid $625 for the Worst Date of the Year. Next Time I Leave in 5 Minutes. (September 6, 2026)
- Speed Dating in Tampa, a Sarasota Singles Mixer, and Two Numbers in One Day (August 30, 2026)
- The First Blind Date I'd Had in Years (February 27, 2026)
- Treating a First Date Like Free Throws (December 27, 2025)
- Miserable at the Beach with My Dream Girl (February 9, 2019)
I Paid $625 for the Worst Date of the Year. Next Time I Leave in 5 Minutes.
From my video published September 6, 2026.
Hey, it's Jerry Banfield, and this is my vlog for September 6th, 2026. I'm feeling a lot better than when I recorded September 5th's vlog this morning, even though you'd think I'd have had a horrible day with some of the stuff that's happened. As a full-time content creator, I posted a video today saying that I'm done with ICP, that going all in on ICP was a mistake, and that I'm selling most of my ICP. Big drama in the ICP community, and lots of reach on X for that going out. At the same time, I also had what is definitely the worst date I've had all year. It's worse than the one I described a few videos ago, where one comment this woman made ended the date. I didn't even talk that much about that one in the vlog, but I did a dedicated video on my dating channel about it. Today's date was worse than that one. I've never seen a date like this. It was so bad, and I can't wait to tell you about it.
I had my kids over, and they played a bunch of Roblox, which reminds me I need to buy my daughter some more Roblox. And I'm back on Hinge. I got a match. This woman on Hinge is attractive, but I sent a message and didn't get anything back. Let's see if she removed me or not, live reaction. Yeah, it's her turn. She looks pretty on her profile. She drinks sometimes. Wait, how did I match with this woman? All right, she matched with me. She said on her profile, "I'll fall for you if you're unapologetically yourself and make me laugh," which sounds like a basic AI answer. I sent her a comment on her profile that said, "Dating apps are awesome." I liked her at 2:48 p.m. She matched with me at 3:02. I said, "All right, one question before I ask if you have plans tonight and try to make a date. Do you agree with my message that dating apps are awesome, or did you laugh because it's obviously ridiculous?" No response. So I'm going to persist. If these women match me on Hinge, I'll just send one message every day and see. I remember a story from the book Open, where a woman said a guy sent her several messages, and the last message he sent was, "I'm deleting this, just going to give it one more try," and then she ended up having a whole thing with him. Persistence is attractive.
Pierre, the middle finger, and Kelly's Heroes
I also had an awesome date with a single mom last night that I don't think I even talked about much in my vlog, because this morning I was so pissed off at the ICP community. I was pretty upset that Pierre, the chief business officer from DFINITY, unfollowed me. It was like a big middle finger in my face, after all the things I've done, and after saying we need to have an honest discussion about marketing. Maybe I was just being a little sensitive. But all right, Pierre, you're out of here? Cool. I'm out of here too. I'm going to dump my ICP and start FUDding ICP. Like that Kelly's Heroes song: "Friends all tried to warn me, but I held my head up high. All the times they warned me, but they only passed me by. They all tried to tell me, but I guess I didn't care. I turned around and left them standing there. Burning bridges." It's a great song from Kelly's Heroes, the old World War II movie with Clint Eastwood. If you haven't watched it, there's something to watch tonight.
I did an awesome video today on my Jerry Banfield for Creators channel about how I had more subscribers than MrBeast up until the middle of 2016. I reflected on the choices I made and the choices he made. He chose to go all in on YouTube and do whatever it takes to get subscribers. I chose to use YouTube to sell courses and crypto and all this other stuff off of YouTube, and I was also supporting my family, so I wasn't doubling down on my income all the time. I didn't see YouTube as the centerpiece. At the same time, my goal with my YouTube videos is that you feel better after you watch them. MrBeast videos are often entertaining to watch, but you don't usually feel better afterward. Usually you feel this little withdrawal, this little sadness after a MrBeast video. That was cool, that was entertaining, but now my life sucks more. After I watch a MrBeast video, I'm like, okay, now I've got to go back to my sucky life instead of escaping into his one-versus-a-billion-dollar-yacht video or whatever it is. So my goal with my content is that you feel better. The challenge is that sometimes the things that will make you feel better make you feel worse in the moment. I know some of my videos make people feel bad while they're watching them, but that's often what you need to really change and feel better for the rest of your life. A lot of YouTube is just telling you what you want to hear and giving you junk food, and that's not usually how improvement and growth happen.
A $625 date, and time travel to the Andromeda galaxy
Let me tell you about this date today. Oh my God. First off, this is from a matchmaking service, so I effectively paid $625 for this date. I did a dedicated video on my Jerry Banfield dating channel tonight, and we need 485 more subscribers to get Jerry Banfield dating fully monetized. Actually, I didn't publish it tonight. It's coming out tomorrow night, y'all. But by the time you see this, it'll have come out last night or the day before. So it's like you're time traveling. I'm talking on September 6, 2026, but you might be watching this on September 9, 2026. Or maybe you'll be watching it in a thousand years, and a whole religion will have been made around me like they made one around Jesus of Nazareth. Maybe people will be watching this 2,000 years from now. Or it'll go out into space, and not even people, aliens, will be watching this video a billion years from now on some faraway planet. They'll be like, "I don't know what this September 6, 2026 thing is, but this Jerry Banfield cat is cool. I wish I could have met him. I'm going to pray to Jerry Banfield tonight. Please, Jerry Banfield, let me be like you." See, that's what I love. I can go far out. I can have fun. I just pictured aliens in the Andromeda galaxy a billion years from now praying to me. Doesn't that seem ridiculous? Obviously it's ridiculous, but it's fun and important. How do I communicate on my Hinge profile that I'm the kind of fella who can picture aliens praying to me a billion years from now? That's a creative mind. This woman today did not appreciate my creative mind.
What happened was, I matched with her about a week ago on this matchmaking service. My matchmaker, whom I paid for and she didn't. So the woman I went out with is on this matchmaking service for cheap, trying to date rich dudes. And I'm a rich dude. Whether you realize it or not, whether the bank recognizes it or not, I'm a very wealthy dude. I have so much wealth and abundance, and it's attracted to me. I'm printing money right now in crypto on MaxFi, and I'm talking about that on Jerry Banfield Crypto Reviews. I sold the Queen video for $2,000. Thank you to whoever bought that on the Jerry Banfield Viral Sensation channel. He broke the video into three parts and released each part separately, making people wait two days for the next part. Respect, my brother. That was funny. "Jerry Banfield's last desperate attempt with the Queen."
If I could go back in time, would I do it differently and maybe still have the relationship with the Queen? Would I trade dating her for $2,000? Dang, that's a really good question. I actually stumped myself for a minute. Let's say I hadn't sent that video, and she'd come back from her trip and really wanted to date me, and things would have been awesome. Yeah, I'd trade $2,000 for that. Absolutely. Would I trade having a channel monetized and my dating audience growing for it? Yeah, I would. I care about people first and foremost, more than money. That's why, when I make my videos, my goal is that they make your life better, even if in the moment it might feel like they're making your life worse, or you wish you were watching MrBeast do some silly challenge. Sometimes pissing you off is a way to make your life better, because when people just tell you what you want to hear all the time, that's not making your life better. I told this woman some stuff she didn't want to hear today. Then I put the video through the AI, and it said, you should cut these two parts where you said this and that. I said, all right, I'll take your word for it.
She wanted a virtual date after the date was booked
So I went out with this woman today through the matchmaking service. First, she matches. She tells my matchmaker she'd like to meet this guy. They do the work to schedule a date. All I have to do is say yes and give a time. This is nice, this is fancy, this saves time. I might test spending $625 boosting my Hinge profile instead. If you watched my last Hinge profile video, do you think it's good enough that all it needs is marketing at this point? Let me know in the chat at jerrybanfield.com or in the Skool community, because I'm really listening to everybody in there all the time. If you're in the Skool community, every message you send and every post you make, I read it, and I respond to most things. A dude joined today and sent me this really weird, long message speaking as a "we," like "we are doing this." I wasn't sure how to reply, but I at least said, "I'm not quite sure what to make of this message right now."
So she matches, she tells the matchmaker she wants to go out with me, and she gives the matchmaker all her times. I pick a time. The matchmaking service sets the date for us. Then, about three hours later, I get a message that she wants a virtual date. What? You've got a time, you've got a place to meet, and now you want a virtual date? I didn't message her directly, because this goes through the matchmaking company. They said, "Hey, your date would like to do a virtual date." I said no. She lives in Tampa. I'm not paying $625 to do a Zoom call, not with a woman who lives close enough that we could just drive over. I said no, have her pick a different time.
Well, apparently, I get there today and she's pissed. Maybe she didn't find your boy attractive, which, based on her reaction, is possible. I'm pretty attractive to some women, for sure. The Queen certainly thought I was pretty hot, and a number of other women have thought I was plenty attractive enough for them. My ex-wife certainly thought I was very attractive when I was fatter and an active alcoholic. So I know I've got enough attractiveness for enough women, but I realize I'm not every woman's type. I get the feeling this woman wanted some artificially big, huge, jacked guy, and when I walk in lean, she's hella superficial and immediately takes a bad attitude. Within the first minute, she's talking about how I wasted her time. "This is why I took so long getting ready for this date. You should have done a call with me. This is why I do calls, to see if there's chemistry." Oh my God. So I figured, this is just a test to hold my own reality. Maybe she's going to fire it up and it's going to turn positive.
Thirty minutes of arguing
We sat there and argued for about 30 minutes. She'd ask me questions, I'd answer, and then she'd start attacking me. For example, she said she really values health, which I would debate. She didn't seem that healthy to me. She didn't drink, which is good, but her diet was bad in my opinion. I said I'm a whole-plant vegan, I'm insanely healthy. She said, "That's not going to work for me. I eat meat, and protein's a really important part of my life. I'm not going to be compatible with somebody that's whole-plant vegan." Damn. Not a drop of curiosity. Just an absolutely shocking level of entitlement. This woman really wants a family, and she's talking about wasting time. I said, you've wasted at least a decade. You've not made a successful connection, so what have you been doing? She talked about how active and fit she was before, and that she's not now, and about her job, and I'm like, oh my God.
Then she starts saying, "This was really hard. You just wasted my time coming out here. It's easy for you as a man. You just have to comb your hair and show up, but I have to do all this stuff." She said that a few times. She said, "This is not fun for me." She was getting aggravated. I said, this is fun. I'm just meeting someone new. She said, "This is not fun. This is scary. You know what happens to women?" I'm thinking, yes, officer, I do. I was on the streets. I remember seeing the graphic details in reports. I didn't say that, but I did say, yes, I was a police officer, I do know. She said, "Well, it is not safe. I can't get in the elevator and wonder if some man's just going to walk in." What? I need to hit this woman with some facts.
A tangent about "FACK"
On a slight tangent, "FACK" is my favorite song, by the way. I listen to it every single day. I love that shit. That's probably my guiltiest pleasure, listening to "FACK" almost every day, sometimes two or three times a day. One thing on my bucket list is I'd like to make a music video for "FACK." I saw Eminem did a clip where he said the "FACK" music video was about to premiere, and everybody was like, yeah, yeah, and then he said, just kidding, and they all booed. Come on, give us a "FACK" music video. I was watching some Instagram and TikTok videos, because I hadn't been on TikTok or Instagram for years, and I saw some 20-year-old girl singing "FACK," and I'm like, how do you get these past the terms and conditions? Seriously. I did a video on TikTok saying black pill dating was a trap, and it got a community guidelines violation. What? I appealed it and they put it back up. But how does somebody get a video with the lyrics from that song on TikTok and Instagram within the terms and conditions? Please explain that to me.
I do understand certain accounts. You slip it under the radar, or certain accounts have certain privileges and are allowed to violate the rules. Should I explain this to y'all? If you know an insider, certain accounts will intentionally be allowed to violate the terms and conditions, because that gives you a massive advantage and lets you blow up, and if somebody else does the same thing, they'll get it taken down. Certain accounts are flagged so they get different terms and conditions than everybody else. Did you know that? I probably shouldn't have told you, because it'll burst your bubble a little bit. I had a verified checkmark on Facebook back in the day, and I could say almost anything short of changing my race. I did the craziest, most outrageous jokes. I talked so much shit. I streamed with my shirt off. And I made it 18 minutes into this vlog without fucking swearing, unless you count "FACK." Y'all need a Jerry Banfield "FACK" music video.
I walked in grateful. She walked in pissed.
I still haven't gotten through this whole date yet. What's cool is, if you watched my last vlog yesterday, much love, I love you, you are awesome. If you're watching every one of these vlogs every day, I'm all about you. I do these vlogs for you. In that one, you saw how this morning I was down and irritated. I got through it. I filmed a video and put ICP on blast: fuck y'all, I'm selling most of my shit, I'm tired of this, y'all aren't ripping me off anymore, I've got all kinds of money I'm going to make. Then I went out with this woman on a date, and I got my shit together. I was thinking, thank you. Thank you for this woman who's going to meet up with me right now. I walked in with a happy attitude. I made it in the rain, hitting damn near every green light on the way there, even though I left late because I was filming all these videos. I show up, and I'm like, hey! And she's like, fuck you. She didn't say that, but my attitude was yay, and hers was the opposite. I show up and she's immediately in a shitty mood. Maybe it had nothing to do with me personally. But there's more to this story. There's another loop I need to close by the end of this video.
I'm talking to this camera technically in real time, but I feel like you're really here with me, like there's an audience of thousands of people sitting there. I'm talking to a stadium right now. Thousands of you. Damn, this feels good. This is like godlike powers, plus those aliens a billion years from now. Shout out to the Andromeda galaxy. I get all naturally high. I don't need to drink or do any drugs. I was down this morning, I'm up tonight, and it's fun being Jerry Banfield.
Hitting her with the statistics
Back to the date. I don't think I have ADHD, but back to the date. She's sitting there telling me how dangerous the world is for women. I said, I was working on a PhD in criminology. I was a police officer. I actually studied this, and I've kept current with the stats. It is safer than ever to be a woman today. That is the objective, statistically based, scientific reality. On almost all the measures, women are safer than ever today, according to the statistics, at least in the US. You can debate all kinds of other things, but the statistics say that. I said, it's your perception that is warped. You are safe. Your perception is off. It is objectively safer than it's ever been in your whole life. Then I also said that men are more likely to be victims of violent crime than women. Men are more likely to be murdered than women, for example, and robbed, and for most violent crimes, men are more likely to be the victims. She said, "Yeah, but men commit all the crimes." She literally said that, word for word. What the fuck?
All right, I did say some bullshit myself, or at least something you might think is bullshit, even though it's true. But first, I destroyed her with logic. I wrecked everything she was saying and made her look in the mirror: your perception is warped. I have every reason to go around feeling unsafe all the time too. She was making it out like coming to a coffee shop in the middle of the day is dangerous. That's objectively ridiculous. Subjectively, you have your own stuff to deal with, but objectively, you are very safe meeting a stranger for a date at a coffee shop. That's going to go well the vast majority of the time. I have risks with that as well. I could get victimized at a coffee shop myself, and I'm not out here afraid of it, especially with all the stuff I put online. If anything, I'm generally in more danger than she is, and than most people are, with all the stuff I say online. I don't go around scared all the time, because I'm immortal, I'm God, and life is way too short in these individual incarnations. There are timelines, and I'm probably going to spend a thousand years living in this particular body and variations of it. But that's a whole other video.
"You don't understand what it's like to be a woman"
After I destroyed what she said with logic, facts, and science, she said, "Well, you don't understand what it's like to be a woman, and you're just not empathizing with me." So I said, well, I have some past lives as a woman. She said, "You've never been a woman. You have no idea what it's like to be a woman." I said, I have past lives where I've been a woman. Not very recently, I've been a man in the last several, but I have past lives as a woman. Don't act like being a woman is so different from anything I've experienced as a human being that I couldn't possibly understand it. You might think that's kind of bullshit, but I have had very vivid past-life memories of all kinds of different things, and they are just as valid as the memories I've had of anything in this life. I can go remember a past life tonight if I want to. Maybe I will. I'll have dreams of childbirth tonight when I go to bed. That's how I roll. Maybe I'll load that experience in so I can better understand what it's like to be a woman.
I understand that, in the short term, we have some differences. But first off, we're human beings. Most of our experience as human beings is very similar. This is what these platforms do to you. These media platforms get you to divide and think you're so different, that nobody understands you, that it's us versus them. That's bullshit. We're all human beings. Our experiences across our existence are more similar than different. Our DNA is way more similar than different. All of us are way more similar than different. After she said that, I said, I also have a mother and an ex-wife I still get along great with, whom I made sure to tell how bad this date was, and two children, including a daughter. Don't give me that women's issues are something I don't understand and empathize with. Women's issues are men's issues, and men's issues are women's issues. You can't fix things that are affecting one gender separately. That's why we have so many of the issues we have today with all this messed-up thinking: because you think you can divide and then fix things. You can't.
"They deserve it based on what they've done"
Then I said, life is objectively harder for men if you look at things like violence and not living as long. I gave some equanimity. I said it is at least as hard being a man as it is being a woman, if not more difficult. Naturally, she went off on that. I said, look at family court, for example. Men often get wrecked in family court. She said, word for word, "Well, they deserve it based on what they've done." What the fuck? "They deserve it based on what they've done," along with "men commit all the crimes." Holy shit. And this is a woman who, if you saw her on a dating app, most of y'all would be liking, swiping, and trying to go out with. Jeez.
She was also uncomfortable with how I was looking at her. "I don't like how you're looking at me." I said, I'm making eye contact. She said, "You need to blink more." Fair enough. I'm used to staring at a camera. Sometimes I focus intensely, and she said, "I feel like you're staring into my soul." Yeah, I'm seeing some messed-up stuff in there too, but I didn't say that. She said, "What do you see?" I said, I see sadness, and there's also excitement, and sadness that you didn't immediately get what you want. I read her emotions pretty accurately, and it was amazing how the things I said were almost preempting, or maybe contributing to, what she said. She asked, "Are you feeling this connection?" I said, I'm having fun. I also said that lots of times, the people who challenge us the most are the people who help us the most. I gave her the example of one of my favorite yoga instructors of all time. I couldn't stand his yoga classes, the music he played, or the flows he did. I just didn't have any other options. The more I went to his classes, the more I came to love this dude. I also said that on my dates, whatever happens with the person, I try to give value, and people remember the things I say on dates.
She kept saying, "You're not understanding me. You're not empathizing with me." I said, I understand your point of view. She had a basic, straight-from-Instagram point of view. There was nothing she said that I hadn't heard before, thought about before, or heard somebody else say a hundred times. But I said, you have not heard the things I'm saying. The things I'm saying are new to you. She didn't know what to say to that for a minute. I said, see, I understand you, but you do not understand me, and I'm sharing stuff that will be helpful for you to learn.
She left. I drank my tea.
This wasn't going very well, and I was having fun. I was feeling the tension. This is a test for me, to see how I can hold my reality when I'm under attack and how much tension I can handle. I was hoping the tension would turn and she would see that this woman could benefit a lot from a man like me, because I have a lot more powerful, healthy points of view in a lot of areas than she does. Instead, she said, "Well, I'm not feeling this. I'm done wasting my time here. I'm going to leave." I said, that's acceptable to me. She said, "Great." She got up and asked, "Are you going to go now?" I said, no, I'm going to sit here for a while longer. She said, "Fine," and walked out. I didn't shake her hand. I'd given her a hug when I first met her, but I didn't shake her hand or any of that. I just let her walk out. I sat there and drank my tea, thinking, man, it's a lot nicer with her not at this table. What a train wreck. I hope there's a dude out there who's compatible with that, but it's probably not going to be a nice fella. I picture her getting attracted to a real asshole. Or maybe she finds some beta guy who just says, "You're right, you're right, everything you say, you're right."
I felt good, because on some of the dates I've been on, I've been a little simpy. A woman says, "Oh, I don't like that," and I go, "Oh, I don't like it either." On this date, I wasn't giving in on anything. It was cool, because she actually agreed with and acknowledged some of my points, and I stayed utterly dominant the whole date. You are not teaching me anything new here. You are easy and obvious to understand. Whatever's going on with you, there's some dysfunction here, and it's very familiar and easy for me to understand. I have some things I could help you with and teach you. But to me, you are just a mess. Whatever's going on with you is unhealthy. You just have a bad attitude. Even if she didn't find me attractive, she could have had the common courtesy to sit there and at least experience meeting and connecting with me.
Next time, I'm leaving in five minutes
Can you imagine? I've gone out with women I wasn't attracted to, and I listened to them tell me about the Quran and why I should convert to Islam. I listened to them tell me about their lives in other countries, and I paid for their food. I sat there and listened to their crazy laughs and their drinking stories while I'm sober. I've at least been polite enough that some of those women wanted to go out with me again. It might have been more polite if she had just said, about five minutes into the date, which she did say, "I just don't find you attractive." All right, cool. She probably should have just left at that point. And if I had to do it again, maybe I should have left five minutes in. You know what? From now on, that's what I'm going to do. A woman says something messed up, and I leave. I felt it when she said that. I've gone out with some unattractive women, and the only one I called out on it was the woman who catfished me, and I didn't say she was unattractive. I said, your profile is dishonest. And I saw her in the Hinge recommendations tonight. Hinge, why are you promoting this catfishing woman all over the place? I think she gets paid. I can't prove that, but based on what she said on the date, it's definitely possible she gets paid to be on there.
That's the key lesson for me. Next time a woman says something messed up that hurts my feelings, I'm leaving immediately. Out of all this, I should have gotten up and left five minutes into the date, as soon as she said, "I just don't find you attractive." I should have said, cool, I'm going to go see my kids and film videos. Note to self: like the woman on the date the other night who talked about disciplining kids, I fooled around and took 20 more minutes trying to tell her how messed up that was. No. My time's valuable. If I'm going to spend 30 minutes doing something, it can be listening to myself talk and making these vlogs for the aliens in the Andromeda galaxy.
The loop I needed to close
I'm about to wrap this up. This is a good vlog right now, if I do say so myself. I'd rather listen to myself talk than hear this woman talk. The best part about me is that I also get to be an audience member for the videos I'm creating. Damn, this is a good show in here. So I get on Hinge later today, right? I'm seeing who's active today. Guess who's on Hinge also. And she's got a nice-looking profile, maybe some professional pictures taken, a bunch of nice things written on her profile. Oh my God. How many dudes have gone out with her and thought, forget this? How many guys have sat down with her and gone, ew? It made a sharp contrast with the mom I went out with last night. It feels like a while ago. I'm trying to go out with her again tomorrow. She has such a beautiful personality. The contrast between this woman today and the mom last night, who sat down across from me and said, "Look, I'm sorry for flaking and canceling on you twice like that," was so beautiful. This woman today, I hope she finds somebody, and I hope she has an amazing life.
I knew as soon as this started, this is going to be some great content, isn't it? I'm looking forward to filming an entry for my Daily Vlogs playlist about this and the dating video about this. But for God's sake, I'd love to meet a woman who is compatible with me and attractive. She doesn't have to be a 10. Just a woman who takes care of her body, who isn't poisoning her body with alcohol and all kinds of meat, who's lean, with a body like mine. She doesn't even have to have a perfect face. I'm willing to work with a face. I'm open. Just take care of your body, and don't be a total, awful person who got sucked into all these narratives, never questioned any of them, and then shows up confrontational and miserable.
You know what? I'm really grateful for a date like this. It makes my ex-wife look like an absolute angel by comparison. I've got to admit, if my ex-wife were free today, I'd probably come running back. I was thinking there'd be women even better than her, and sure, I'm going to keep dating until I find one who's on par with or even better for me than my ex. But holy shit, what you've got to go through. Oh my goodness.
So I saw this woman on Hinge and thought about dropping a like and saying something. Then I thought, I'm not messing around getting my Hinge profile banned over her. I'm just going to hit X on her, because I know better at this point. Ew. No, thank you. To be fair, maybe she was just in a bad mood today. Maybe she goes out with other guys, and if she's attracted to a guy, she's a completely different person. It seems unlikely based on where she's at, but if that's the case, it's even more messed up, because I feel like I got a more honest look at her today. She probably puts on a hell of a show for the dudes she's attracted to and wants to like her, and then these poor bastards end up seeing what's in the closet when she really comes out. Then she's single again, going out with my silly ass, still trying to have a family while the clock's ticking on that.
The lesson
I hope all this was said with some entertainment and some love. I'm glad I just saw the lesson out of this today. I'm showing up to these dates now with a very open heart. I'm ready to love. I'm excited. I'm grateful. And the first messed-up thing she says, I'm out of there. I'm getting up immediately and leaving. I don't care if it's in the middle of dinner. I'll drop some cash on the table and peace out. Look, what you said is hurtful and messed up. Here's a hundred dollars. I'm going to walk out. You pay for dinner. I try to go to coffee dates mostly for first dates, but I've got another first date from the matchmaking service in a couple of days, and the first messed-up thing she says, I'm leaving immediately. The only problem with that is, aren't most people going to say some messed-up things on a first date? Maybe not. I'm out here talking about my past lives as a woman. So sweet dreams tonight.
Speed Dating in Tampa, a Sarasota Singles Mixer, and Two Numbers in One Day
From my video published August 30, 2026.
Two Women, One Day
I'm Jerry Banfield, and this is my vlog for October. October, bro? What month are you in? August 29th, 2026. What an awesome day today. I have two women that I'm somehow trying to schedule dates with, both of them tomorrow. I don't think it's going to work out, but I literally just met both of them today. I went to a speed dating event today, and I went to a singles mixer event, and I got a phone number at both of them. Let me tell you the story. This is cool because dating has been the most interesting, the most emotional, most challenging, and most fun part of my life this year after getting divorced last year.
My video yesterday was talking about the drama with the yoga studio because of me being single and asking other women there if they were single. Today I did some yoga in my house, just like five minutes to stretch, and then I went for a run. I'm like, this is great. This is what I need to be doing. I don't need to be taking an hour and a half or two hours to go do yoga at a studio somewhere. I can take ten minutes in my house to do some yoga, stretch, go run, and it's all good.
An Open-Hearted Morning
So today I woke up after we had such a beautiful party for my daughter last night. It was really nice for her birthday. My mom came over, and my ex made a cake for Madeline to bring over. My son was there. We had such a beautiful birthday party, and I just felt so open hearted. I'm like, man, I see what I did with that last woman. I need to be open hearted. Great. Very good. So the kids got up, and we were off to my son's baseball practice. I got him all set up in his baseball uniform. It was so cute. Then I went to my AA meeting and had a really nice, open hearted AA meeting. Some of the meetings lately have been like people wanting to fight me, but this one wasn't like that.
I noticed that what I do sometimes impacts how I'm showing up in the rest of the world. Most of the time in the real world, being loving and cooperative and supportive is what gets the best results. But on YouTube — and I filmed a video about this today on my Jerry Banfield Creators channel — often what gets the best results is being hostile, confrontational, talking a bunch of stuff, putting people down. That's often what actually gets a lot of views on YouTube. And I noticed in my dating life there's kind of this conflict, where there's an incentive to keep having an interesting, dramatic dating life, because that makes for better content than having a woman I'm really happy with. Then there's kind of not anything interesting to talk about. It's like, yeah, we had an awesome day today, and everybody's like, next — where's the drama?
Finding the Speed Dating Event
I was sitting at home after the AA meeting. I talked to one of my friends from AA for like an hour, and I knocked out several videos for the channel. And then somehow I thought of speed dating today. Before, I was never doing that again. The last speed dating event, I just felt like it was poorly organized. It was a total waste of time, and I'm like, never doing that again. But today I'm like, what? I don't have anything else scheduled the rest of the day. Let me just look. I got Facebook now again, which I didn't have before. So I went and joined this St. Pete Facebook group, and I scrolled down, and I found this event in Sarasota. Then I found a speed dating event. I wasn't looking for speed dating — I was like, I'm not going to do that. I was just looking. I saw the speed dating event and I'm like, let me look at this. I looked at it, and I noticed they'd sold more women's tickets than men's. I'm like, all right, let me try this. Let me just give this a shot. So I signed up for it.
It was in Tampa. I drove over there, and this speed dating event was really well organized. They have an app that you scan, and when you scan the app, you're connected — you're matched on the app. So you can both message each other, and you don't have to exchange phone numbers. Super easy. I joined the app. They've got a membership, and then you can go to all the speed dating events — it's like 70 or 80 bucks a year or something.
My mindset with the speed dating was, this is going to be good practice. I've got a matchmaking date a week from now, and for a matchmaking date, I want to be on top of my game. I want to be ready to show up open, heartfelt, having fun, flirting. I want to be able to offer the best version of me to a woman that's on a high income matchmaking service. If you want to try that, those have been some of the best dates I've been on all year — very high quality women on there, and I'd like to think very high quality men on there. Like me. I went to the speed dating event thinking there's not going to be any hot girls there, there's no point in even going. But like, bro, just practice. Doesn't matter what they look like. Practice talking to them. Practice flirting. If you can talk to a woman you're not attracted to and flirt with her, you can certainly do it with one that you are attracted to and you're really compatible with.
Walking In
So I go there, and this coffee shop is stuffed. I parked in Tampa somewhere in grass that was like two feet high. I was going to park in this one spot, and there was a homeless dude sitting on the corner right there where I had to pull in — his feet were right where the car was going to park. So I'm like, ah, and I parked in this tall grass instead. I walked in wearing a black shirt and white pants — a shirt that cost like a hundred dollars from State and Liberty at International Mall in Tampa.
I walk in, and I'm like, all right, there are a few pretty women here. Nice. And I've got to say this, because it's true — I was thinking it. I saw there were so many big girls. As I drove up and started to get close to the coffee shop, I just saw groups of big girls, and I'm like, it's got to be the speed dating event right now. They're all here for that. They've got a captive audience. And if you love big girls, please — y'all do love those big girls, all right? I like lean women. I'm a lean guy. I like lean women. I love my lean women. And I walk in, and there are some lean women there too. I'm like, nice. And I'm thinking I might be one of the best looking dudes there, if I do say so myself. But there were some other good looking dudes there — all kinds of flavors of dudes. Tall dudes, short dudes, black dudes, white dudes, Indian dudes, Mexican dudes, all kinds of dudes. I'm like, this is nice, that women get to roll through a whole bunch of different kinds of guys, and hopefully somebody goes home happy.
So I sat down, talked to the first woman, rolled through, and talked to the next 20. And man, I do these videos and I can talk for six hours straight, but going back and forth with like 20 different women in a row is tiring. As soon as it was over, I just headed out. I'm like, I'm going to message these women on the app — I need to get some peace and quiet and some time by myself.
Finding the Mixer and Messaging Eight Women
At the same time, when I found that speed dating event, I started looking at other events, and I found this mixer event in Sarasota, where I used to live. It's a mixer event where you get wristbands — green wristbands if you're single, yellow if you're like casual, red if you're in a relationship. I'm like, great, I've been trying to go to something like this, where you know who to talk to. It was at a bar, but I'm like, it's fine. I'm not trying to drink. I've been sober 12 years. But I got home after the speed dating event and I'm like, I don't have time for this right now. I don't have time for this. I'm good. I already went speed dating.
And dude, this vlog is going to continue to get better, all right? We're just warming up. So I go on this app, bro. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight — I messaged eight women on this app out of, I guess it was 16. I didn't message the others. One was just kind of weird, but the rest were all lovely people. I'm like, God, if you were 50 pounds smaller, I'd definitely be messaging you, but I hope someone finds them and loves them. This one girl really had a pretty picture too, but I'm like, ah, sorry. So I messaged eight of them, and literally the message said: hey, name — I enjoyed meeting you tonight. I'm available to plan a date when you're free. I was like, all right, I'm going to just message all the women that I had any attraction to, and we'll see who messages back. That was all I was filtering on: are you attractive or not?
My Texting Screwed Up
Nobody said anything crazy enough where it's like, okay, whoa. Actually, one woman probably did, but I messaged her anyway. So I was trying to go through and copy these messages — the message that said I enjoyed meeting you tonight and I'm available to plan a date when you're free. I tried to copy that, but somehow the first message got misspelled. So I copied the second message, which for some reason I copied the girl's name with. And then for girl number three, I sent a message that said, hey, one name. Hey, another name. And then the next message I sent was: oh my God, LOL, my texting screwed up. So embarrassing. Laughing face. No response from her. I was like, bro, come on now. Why are you texting like that?
Then this one single mom messages me back. Her kids are teens, older than mine. She messages me back within like 30 minutes. She says, hey, I enjoyed meeting you too. I would definitely like to see you again. I'm like, all right, you're not playing. And then I'm like, wait, was she attractive in person? Hold up. I'm looking at her picture. I'm like, all right, I definitely remember. She was cute. She's got a real pretty face. And I'm like, bro, come on now, I hope I didn't message the wrong one. But I'm like, yeah, I remember talking to her. I remember what she said. I remember where she was sitting. I have a very position-based memory, which works great in games like Call of Duty Warzone. I remember exactly where I was sitting, where she was sitting. And I'm like, yeah, she was definitely pretty. I liked her, and she was fun. We had some laughs. I'll sit down trying to make all these women laugh — I don't care what they look like or anything. I'm trying to flirt, I'm trying to make them laugh. So she messaged me, I gave her my phone number and said, let's do something tomorrow.
Deciding to Go to the Mixer
So I'm at home. I've got some white mushrooms and I throw them in a pan with some leftovers from my son's lunch — some carrots and broccoli that were in his lunch. I put the coconut oil in with it. I take the coconut oil from next to my bed and put a scoop in there. I'm like, damn, this stuff is really useful. There are so many different things you can use it for. So I cooked it up in the coconut oil, and I'm thinking about this mixer in Sarasota. It's a 45 minute to an hour drive, and it's raining like hell outside. I'm like, man, I'm done. I've socialized enough. I don't need to go to this mixer. I just want to stay home. One of the guys in the Jerry Banfield Skool community said, hey, we missed your gaming streams — come do a gaming stream. I'm like, let me just stay home and do a gaming stream. This mixer's at a bar anyway. I don't need to go to a bar. I'm sober.
And then I started to think: what would be fun? What would be fun tonight? I'm like, damn, I've got to check that mixer out. That would be fun. It would be fun to drive to Sarasota and go to this mixer at a random place I've never been to. And I was like, but I could stay home. I could play video games. I could do content. I could go see my mom. I'm like, bro, you're single. Go out. Go have fun. Go on an adventure. So I'm like, all right — fun, locked in, fun.
And then I'm like, man, I don't have an outfit to be going out in. So I asked ChatGPT, should I wear this Under Armour shirt? And it's like, no, that Under Armour shirt's weak. I'm like, well, what should I wear then? I took a picture of my other shirt, and it's like, wear that shirt. That's your best going out shirt. You need to buy a better movie star looking shirt for you and your silly YouTube personality, but this will work tonight — wear it with your nice gray slacks. This is a $200 outfit from State and Liberty. I should be getting paid for saying that, but I'm not. And I've got my watch on, my black casual shoes, black belt. I look good. So I'm like, all right, let's go to Sarasota.
Rolling Up to a Bar, Sober and Solo
I get in the car. Once I make the decision, I'm like, I'm rolling, baby. Let's go. I got dinner down. I'm going to be a little bit late — that's fine, it goes from like 7:30 to 11. So I head out a little after seven. I'm driving down, I call my mom on the way, talking to her, having a great conversation. I roll up, and for parking you've got to go around and park by Best Buy, and there's construction. Took me like five or ten minutes to park. And I get out there, and I haven't been to a bar or a social event like this in a long time. I'm sober. I'm by myself. So I'm like, all right, let's see how this is.
They had an attendance list on their web page of 100-some people who said they were going, and the event was only $30. So I copied and pasted all the names and just dumped them into ChatGPT, and I'm like, is this going to be a sausage fest? And ChatGPT is like, well, based on the names, you've got mostly men, then some undetermined names, and then you've got women. It said, I'd probably say it's going to be 70-30, maybe 60-40, but it depends on who people bring. So I'm like, all right, that'll be fine.
I walk up, I get my wristband — I got the green wristband on, single — and I'm awkward as anything. I'm standing around. I don't know what to do. It's crowded — the entrance is crowded. So I'm standing around like a tool. I walk over next to the bathroom and wait in line. Meanwhile, it's 11 p.m. now as I record this and I still haven't been to the bathroom in four or five hours. Four hours. Final answer. And I'm standing there like, dude, what are you doing? You don't need to go to the bathroom. You just went 50 minutes ago. Come on. So then I go outside, and I end up standing out of habit by the bar. I'm like, I'll just get a mocktail or something. The bar is going slow as hell. And I'm like, I don't know what to do. I'm remembering all these dudes like Owen Cook — yeah, get up there and say hi to all these dudes and make a scene. I'm like, I don't feel like doing that either.
Standing by the Palm Tree, Scoping the Scene
So I go stand over by this palm tree in the ground — I don't know if it's a palm tree, but it's got like three things coming out of it, and it's in gravel. It's a perfect spot to stand because everybody's not trying to walk by. There's a chair there, and I stand with my arm on this chair and look like a complete tool for at least 20 minutes. I don't try to talk to anybody. And it is a sausage fest. I'm like, shoot, there are like two or three decent looking women here, and dudes are just taking shots one after another. Then there's this one woman who gave me some crazy vibes, and she's going up and approaching dudes herself. I'm like, nice. I'm going to just stand here — maybe she'll approach me. She did not. I'm like, why did she approach this dude with the beard? Then he approached these other two women. I'm just watching. I'm people watching. I'm stimulated just by that.
I'm not trying to talk to anybody, but I'm scoping out the scene. I'm like, who's going to be my person to talk to? All I care about is identifying the one person that I really want to talk to. I don't care about any of these other conversations. All I want is to laser in on the one person that I'm going to vibe with. So I'm just standing there looking, watching, paying attention. Then one of the hottest women there, with a green band on, walks right past me. Some other dude's talking to her. She gets tired of it, walks off, and leaves him behind, and she's on the dance floor by herself. I'm checking her out. I'm like, all right. She's got some cool earrings on. Beautiful, lean. I'm like, all right, this is good.
So I'm just standing there again, looking like a tool with my arm on a chair. All I'm doing is looking. One guy walks by me and he's like, nice shirt, bro. You look like you're from the IT department. I'm like, thanks, I guess. This is the best stuff I have to work with right now. I'm going to get some movie star looking shirts. I'm going to go to the thrift store and buy something — something that looks more accurate to what a character I am.
And then the woman who walked by before, who went to the dance floor, comes and sits right in front of me. There's a whole table full of people, and they all got up and left, so there's an empty table like a foot in front of me. All four chairs are open, and she sits with her back to me, in the chair right in front of me. I'm like, she wanted — I could tell she wanted me to push up on it. Before she knows it, I'm all on it. I'm like, this must be the one right here. But I'm not jumping on it right away. I'm just standing there playing it cool. She didn't say hi to me or anything. I'm like, whatever. Five minutes later I'm still standing there looking like a tool, and I'm just about to leave. I'm like, what? This place is mostly dudes. There are a few hot girls here, but... and then this happened.
Getting Invited to the Table
This woman who had walked up to the table earlier and started talking — one I don't find attractive at all — sees that I'm standing there looking like a tool and I haven't talked to anybody. She's like, hey, why don't you come over here and talk to us? And it's right next to the woman sitting in front of me. I'm like, all right, cool. So I walk over and I shake everybody's hand at the whole table. I'm Jerry. They're like, what? Because the music is loud. I'm like, Jerry — like Seinfeld. And as I'm shaking hands, one girl's like, you've got a nice handshake. I'm like, hell yeah, I'll be pumping that thing.
So I start talking to the two women — the one to my right and the one to my left are both talking. As soon as that conversation dies down, I start bantering. I start touching the woman next to me gently on the arm. I'm being flirty. And then finally, the one that invited me over to the table stops talking, so I start paying attention to the woman to the right — the one who sat down in front of me. I can tell she wants me to push up on it. So I slide over and sit down next to her on the other side. And she's cool. She's talking mad stuff, she's swearing, she's making gestures. I'm laughing. I'm like, she's funny as anything. We get to talking, and I end up with my arm around her chair. I put my hand on her back and leave it there. We're playing, we're having fun, we're laughing, we're talking all kinds of stuff. I'm flirting. I'm asking questions. She's asking questions about me, and I'm trying to switch it back over to her as soon as I can. She's having a good time. I'm like, damn, all right — this was worth it. We both talk about our divorces and stuff, and we have a great conversation for an hour. The first 20 or 25 minutes I was there dragged. That hour flew by talking to her.
Two Sober People at a Bar
I see her drink is empty. I'm like, you look like you need another drink. She's like, I'm just drinking water. I'm like, nice. I'm sober — 12 years — even though we're both at this bar, neither of us is drinking. She's like, yeah, I've got to drive home. I'm like, me too. I'm going back to St. Pete — this is a 50 minute drive for me. So a little later I'm like, hey, you want to get out of here or something? She's like, no — she wasn't quite ready. But I'm like, hey, at least I offered. So she kept talking with me. Then a couple of other people distracted her — some dog came over, and she loves dogs — but she came right back to talking to me after that. And I kept my arm around her chair, letting these other dudes know: hey, I'm working on this right now. And also just to be close with her, because the music was loud and we had to talk in each other's ears.
Then I can see she's ready to go. I'm like, it looks like you probably need to get home and get to bed, don't you? She's like, yeah. So she's like, I've got to hit the restroom. And my silly self is like, all right, I'll just wait here for you. She goes over to the restroom, and I'm like, why did I say that? There was a line for the restroom — I should have just walked over with her. But at the same time, I'm like, why not? Make her come back here, and we'll see if she's interested. So now I'm standing around like a tool again. I get up, I'm dancing a little bit — the DJ's finally playing some decent stuff. And then she comes back from the bathroom like ten minutes later. I'm like, all right, I'm definitely getting a phone number here. Maybe we can make out or something. And she's like, you're going to walk me back to my car. I'm like, hell yes, I am. So I walk her back to her car. I'm ready to go for a kiss, but she's just ready for a hug. So I'm like, cool. She gives me her business card. I get in my car, and I text her like two minutes later. No games, no nonsense. I'm texting her immediately.
Texting Her Like She's the Queen
And this story continues — we're not even done yet. I've got four texts from her right now. So I texted her: hey — her name — this is Jerry Banfield. Thanks for making tonight fun. She's like, so great meeting you. And this is nice: like with the queen, I texted her flirty and fun. With the last woman I went out with, my heart was so closed up that I couldn't text her like that. With this woman, I'm like, we're not doing any of that. Text her like she's the queen. So at 9:54 p.m. I sent her a message, and she replies at 9:56, while I'm trying to get in the car and drive home. She says, so great meeting you. And for a moment, I'm like, I don't know what to say next. Nonsense — you do know what to say next. So I said, yes, when am I seeing you again? LOL. She's like, when are you free or available? I have to check my schedule too. I said, tonight, LOL — but I think it's past your bedtime. She said, truth, LOL.
So I'm like, how about something tomorrow in the afternoon? She's like, perhaps — where would you like to meet? I said, why don't you come up to St. Pete? She's like, that'd be awesome, but I can't because of her work. So I'm like, all right, I'll drive down and meet you somewhere near where you're at. Then she sends three text messages and offers tea, coffee, a lunch or dinner date — all of it. And I said, let's meet for coffee or tea. She's like, cool. Then I sent her three messages when I got home. And she just gave me a place to meet at three — but my silly self forgot I have a massage scheduled tomorrow at 3:30. I'm like, shoot, I can't be in Sarasota tomorrow at 3:30, man. So I'm going to need to reschedule this date with this woman.
Something's Got to Give Tomorrow
So now I'm trying to schedule two dates tomorrow, and I have a massage, seeing my kids, and going to an AA meeting. I'm like, something's not going to work out. It's fine.
And dude, at the speed dating there was this one guy I sat down and talked to. I love talking to dudes at speed dating, because you're in the same boat there. I had a great talk with him, and he ended up subscribing to both my vlogs and my Jerry Banfield dating channel. It was great meeting him. What a day: five minutes of yoga at home instead of studio drama, a beautiful birthday party glow, an open-hearted AA meeting, 20 speed dates in Tampa, and a singles mixer in Sarasota that turned an awkward hour by a palm tree into the best conversation of my night. If you want to follow how these two dates — and the matchmaking date next week — actually turn out, the whole day-by-day story lives in my Daily Vlogs playlist. I've been talking for 27 minutes — holy smokes. That's where I'll leave today's story.
The First Blind Date I'd Had in Years
Originally published February 27, 2026.
This is my journal entry from February 27, 2026 — my real, unedited day, shared just as it happened.
Today's the big day for the first date. I started off by going to pick the kids up this morning and taking them to school from my ex-wife's house because I'm not going to have any other time to see them today. And this works better because my ex-wife had plans in the afternoon for them, so we switched the time. I bring my son the boxing gloves I got for him in the mail and the boxing pads, and he's excited to start using these at my ex-wife's house. Drive the kids to school and drop them off. Then I hit the 8:30 a.m. power yoga flow where, you know, your boy's got that drama going. I go there for a nice drama-free class and come home right after. I get home. My ex-wife calls because we're talking about what to do with the kids and my mother. My daughter wants to be able to go see my mother and have time at her house. So I talked to my ex-wife. We talk almost an hour, which is really nice. The two main things we cover are, you know, can the kids go over to my mother's house just with my daughter scheduling it, and how much does my ex-wife want to know about my dating life. We work out that, you know, my mother needs to make a couple of little changes, you know, like minimize the screen time especially, and clean the house up a little bit. And then, you know, we're OK with my daughter scheduling time with my mother and my son going over there as well. I was talking about that with the kids this morning, and I said that they could talk to my ex-wife when they got home from school, but my daughter started texting my ex-wife as soon as she got to school about it, so my ex-wife called me. I'm really grateful my ex-wife and I can work together like this.
I also have felt a bit awkward with the dating about what I should tell my ex-wife about and whatnot because she said before she didn't want to hear about it and wasn't interested in it, but at the same time, we're friends, and don't you want to keep up with my life and hear what I'm doing and be accountable and see how it might impact our future? So she says the kids are very interested in hearing about my dating life, and therefore we come to the conclusion that whatever I'm telling the kids about my dating life is something I could share with my ex-wife too, so she doesn't have to hear everything from them, or if she does hear something from them, she's in the loop about it as well. I tell her that I'm going out on a date this afternoon, which she figured that's the reason I rescheduled. And it's like, well, we might as well be clear about it instead of waffling or assuming. If you're figuring out how much of your dating life to share with an ex you co-parent with, you can book a one-on-one call with me and we'll talk through where those lines make sense for you on our call.
And after that conversation, I immediately have my friend come over and start working on his book with me. He talks so easily. And then when he gets to his book, he struggles a little. So we're going to have to adjust the workflow next time so that he can get this book dictation out a bit easier. This is good learning for me because I'm going to need to have these things down by the time people are paying $300. I'm going to need to have things like that down so that they can knock out the book dictation. But it was also very therapeutic for him to just talk to me and have this space to connect. And that's something people will pay money for too. So it all works out. After he heads out, I get ready for my date. I get all dressed up in my nice clothes. And I take a walk around Crescent Lake. I run into a friend, who's got like five, six dogs in the dog park. I hang out with him for like 30 minutes there. And I feel really grateful that I've got a life where I can just hang out at the dog park for 30 minutes in the middle of the day. And then I've got a date later.
I head out about 2:45 because yesterday the traffic around the same time was 30 minutes longer. So I leave an hour and 45 minutes before the date starts. That way I'll definitely be on time and I can just relax and get there without like being stressed or being late or anything. I figure I can take a walk around when I get there anyway. So I drive down. I don't listen to anything or distract myself with anything. I arrive and I drive by the valet. It's a little backed up. The first time I go around the block, come back and valet park the car. I give the valet a $20 tip, which he's very happy with. And I feel good being able to give it. Then I check the restaurant and go to the bathroom in there. And I then have like 30 minutes to kill before the date starts. I go walk down to the little park that looks out over the water, which is about a 10 minute walk each way. Have a nice relaxing time there thinking that, you know, if things go well with this girl, then maybe we'll come down here and take a walk down here after eating also.
I walk back up there. And I get to the table like 10 minutes early. I sit down at the table. I got a nice view for her walking in. And I sit there. And man, my energy is high. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm feeling very vulnerable. It's kind of crazy. And I'm sitting here. But I'm so grateful for this adventure. I see her walk in because the place is empty. I see a woman walk in. I'm like, that's got to be her. And I walk up to her and, you know, I built the expectations way too high up in my head. At least the picture kind of gives you an accurate description. So, you know, I'm picturing like some beautiful 10 model walking in that we're already, you know, know each other and are comfortable. But she's pretty. She's got a laugh like I've never heard before. She looks like she's in pretty good shape. But it's a lot to take in all at once when I haven't seen a picture. And I'm surprisingly like a bit overstimulated, like seeing her all at once. It's fun. But now we also don't hardly know anything about each other. So we talk, we order our food and spend about an hour eating and getting to know each other.
And my initial, I honestly felt a little bit of disappointment at first because I set the expectations and excitement a little too high, but what's cool is the longer I'm hanging out with her I start to like her personality more and more and she's definitely attractive enough and things start to get interesting from here. So after we're finished eating I ask if she wants to go take a walk down by the park, which turns out she lives nearby. She says she lives walking distance from there and she likes going there. And at the same time, she has heels on, so she didn't want to go for a walk with the heels on. I said, well, you live close by, why don't you go change and then we'll take a walk? She says that's fine. So I then ask her, like, okay, well, you know, we just met, like I understand, you know, you want me to just wait here, you can walk back on your own. She's like, you can walk back with me. And I didn't want to feel like pressured to have, like, me on the first date walk back to her apartment, so we walk back to her apartment and keep talking and she crosses the street diagonally, which I love. I love crossing the street diagonally. I'm like, oh, that's so cool. I tell her that and she's funny, she keeps making me laugh. I think I'm laughing more than she's laughing at my stuff. And I'm surprised I'm a little stiff. Like I'm not being as kind of comfortable as I usually am, which is funny. But she seems pretty comfortable and she's making me laugh. If you tend to build a first date up so high in your head that the real person can't help but disappoint at first, schedule a private call with me and we'll work through it on our call.
Then we get to her apartment and I'm like, well, I'll just use the bathroom down here. I should have used it at the restaurant. And she's like, oh, the bathroom's always locked. You know, why don't you just come up to my apartment? I'm like, all right, this is like definitely things not to do on the first date. Like go up to the apartment of the person you've just met. I'm like, it's a good thing I'm a safe man. And I'm like, you know what, I like that you like to live a little bit dangerously. That's, I mean, it's not that dangerous. I comment on it. She's like, well, there's cameras everywhere. I'm like, you know, thank you. This is very trusting. And I go up to her apartment and I use the bathroom up there. And I'm trying like not to look around her apartment and judge because I feel like it's not fair. Like she probably didn't expect to have, you know, her date like coming in her apartment an hour afterwards. Or maybe she did. What the hell do I know about this girl? The bathroom door also doesn't close all the way either because she's got like a rack of stuff that hangs on it. Like you can hang towels on it so it doesn't close. And she didn't want that taken off. So the door is like cracked open. I'm going to the bathroom. It's like so funny and so awkward that I can like barely go. But I finally get it out and then she gives me a bottle of water and I'm looking out over a balcony and then she goes to the bathroom, too. And I'm like, this is so vulnerable. And so like we're getting to know each other faster here and hear each other going to the bathroom.
Then we walk out of her apartment. She's got her shoes on and she's even shorter. Like, it's funny. I'm a whole head taller than her. But she's cute. And, you know, she wore a stylish dress and she seems to be having a good time with me. So we walk out of the apartment and go grab some ice cream. I know I don't usually get ice cream, but I get some ice cream. I get one scoop of this honey ice cream they have and it's good. And she gets a scoop of one of the strawberry ice cream varieties that they have. I'm really enjoying her company and feeling drawn to her. And after we eat ice cream, I'm impressed she's really good at just being quiet, like she's comfortable. She doesn't make anxious conversation. She's just comfortable with a little silence, which I enjoy. I'd rather talk less and speak things that are more interesting and have more depth and weight than just constant anxious chitchatter. So I'm impressed with that.
We walked towards the water, which is like 10 minutes or so from where we're at, walking back by the restaurant. And I hold her hand on the way there because I keep bumping into her anyway. She's got a purse. I keep bumping into her. I'm like, I might as well hold your hand and keep bumping into you. And she's got a nice grip. I'm like, oh, I love that she's got a nice, strong grip from working out. We walk down to the beach and it's like a tiny little beach, you know, maybe 30 yards across. But it looks out over the water and it actually has sand and stuff, not very much for swimming. But we walk down there and on the walk down there, I asked her, like, OK, we got past the superficial stuff. And I'm thinking, like, we just went to the bathroom in your apartment and stuff, like, let's get into what's interesting now. Like we don't need to bother. You know, let's go with some depth. And she doesn't have anything to say at first. And she holds me in suspense. And we sit by the water for a little while. And she's very comfortable being quiet. She sits there for sometimes like, you know, two or three minutes without talking. You know, I look at her, I look over the water and I'm like, is this going well? Does she like me? Do I like her?
And then she starts with the interesting stuff. She's like, you know, have you ever seen a ghost before? And I tell her that, yes, I did see a ghost one time. I don't know if I was like asleep. It feels a dream or feels like sleep paralysis. But one time I woke up in bed and there was this ghost of a woman like sitting on me and wailing. And I'm like, come here and give me a hug. So I could tell she just wanted some attention, wanted to be noticed and loved. I gave her a hug and she kind of like fell into me after that and was gone. So I told her that story. Well, she told me a couple of ghost stories and then she really one-ups me. She's like, one time when I was in Mexico, my friend said there's something that I'd want to see outside. So I came outside and the spacecraft came down like just what you've seen, just what you would expect it to look like, like a flying saucer with landing lights. It was at night near the beach. She's like, this spacecraft came down and it communicated with me telepathically. I'm like, shit, now you've really got me hooked. Like this is awesome. Like that is so cool. And I love it. So she tells me about that. She's like, yeah, it followed us along the beach for a little while and then zipped off. And, you know, it communicated telepathically with me using some people's voices in my life that were familiar. I was like, that is so cool. I love it.
So she's really got me hooked after this. So I tell her how, you know, I saw a ball of light after I'd asked, after a decade of watching things like UFO hunters and ancient aliens. I'd said a very clear intention and communication out there that I'm like, look, I'm tired of hearing about all this, but I've never seen something myself, especially with the audience I used to have online. I'm like, I want to know if this is real or not. If it's real, I want to see something personally. No more taking somebody's word for it. So after like a month or two after I set those intentions very clearly and followed the Dr. Stephen Greer's like CE5 contact protocol and downloaded the app and paid for it and all that, well, one night I was walking the dog. I was like 11 at night and I was talking to my mom. And I see what looks like at first, I think it must be a helicopter because there's kind of this hovering bright light up in the sky right about where a helicopter would be. But there's no noise from it. And it's just in one spot. It's just kind of hanging there. My first thought is it's a helicopter, but then it zooms off. It like tears across the entire sky in a second or two. Like it was standing totally still, you know, hovering like a helicopter. And then it just ripped across the whole sky and almost instantly went out of sight. I was like, holy shit. Like that's what I was asking to see. Like that was some intelligently controlled, you know, ball of energy or, you know, spacecraft. Like that was something intelligently controlled that in our mainstream science and stuff does not explain. Like that was exactly what I asked for. And I was super grateful to see that. So I shared that story with her.
Then we kept talking and walked back to her apartment. I figured I'd double down at this point because she said she had another event to go to at eight. So we get back to her apartment at 7:30. So it's been like three hours we spent together. I hold her hand again on the way back, put my arm around her shoulder, you know, feeling comfortable with hers. At some point, she like taps my belly with the back of her hand when we're talking. And I'm like, I guess this is going pretty well, isn't it? I like her, and I really enjoyed being around her, you know, especially when we're sitting on the beach. Even though we didn't talk about like anything sexual, I just enjoyed hearing her speak. We get to her apartment, I'm like, might as well double down as I definitely need to go to the bathroom before I drive an hour back. You know, can I use your bathroom again? She's like, sure. So we come up. This time it's less awkward because I already did this once. I go to the bathroom and then, you know, she's about to get ready and go to her next event and I'm ready to go. So she's like standing there in the door of her bedroom, like, I guess this is the time to like give her a hug or give her a kiss. So she is thinking the same thing. So she leans in and we have a quick little peck on the lips, which I'm like, hmm, that felt good. And I leave her apartment feeling pretty, pretty well.
And I then walk back to my car. I grabbed the car from the valet. I give the valet another $20 tip and he's really impressed. Like he's like, can I get you a bottle of water or anything? You know, where are you from? You from St. Pete? What brings you here tonight? So it's nice. It was like he really appreciated that $40 tip so much that he was kind of like awkward about it. And I'm like, oh, that's nice. Like I'm, you know, $40 is no big deal to me and I'm really happy to brighten somebody else's day up. I remember a friend who passed away a couple of years ago. He used to be a valet in college and he'd talk about with great nostalgia, like the best tips he got when he was a valet. So I was definitely thinking of him when I gave the valet, you know, those tips. And the valet must have like sprinted to get my car the second time because that was around the block and I had like barely a minute and he didn't even look like he broke a sweat, but he got that car fast as hell. So I was thinking of my friend on the way back.
And I was thinking of the date and she, I told her I was a YouTuber. I used to be and I told her I write books. She's like, oh, you're going to put this in your book. I'm like, I think I'll leave her name out, you know, in case I don't see her again or something. Or, you know, I don't know where this is going to go, but we exchanged phone numbers at her apartment right before I left, too. And I sent her a message with my, I realized when I got back, like, oh, I got her number, but I didn't actually send her my number. So I sent her my number and I said, thank you for the date. And she said, you know, same here. And then I start driving back and, you know, I realize I'm kind of missing her. Like, it felt really good. But at the same time, at first, I feel kind of sad. I'm heading back and I'm kind of sad. I'm like, you know, I don't know if she was the one. I was all excited about this. And, you know, I don't know if it went that well or not. Like after I had the first date with my ex-wife, I was just like in total euphoria on the drive back with her. I'm like, man, she's so awesome. I'd love to be with her. And I was kind of comparing that to this. But then about halfway back, I'm like, that girl is really cool. I miss her. I'd really like to see her again. And I want her to know that. If you come home from a date tangled up comparing it to a past love and unsure how you even feel, you can schedule a one-on-one call with me and we'll sort through it together on our call.
So when I got to the AA meeting, like 10 minutes late that I was going to, I sent her a message that said, I'd love to see you again whenever you're available. And I'll make sure to bring a gift since she said gifts were one of her love languages. I got to shout out my sponsor in AA who said that I should bring her a gift too. But I'm like, nah, this is like, it's too much. You're just meeting someone on a blind date. Like I don't need to be bringing her a gift on the first date. Like I'm trying too hard, but she said she would have loved that. I'm like, OK, I'll bring that. Then right after that message, I realized, you know, I've invited so many girls to do stuff and I don't know what happened. They felt pressured or something. I also want to make it clear, like, you know, if she wants to say no, it's totally cool. So I sent her a second message right after that, like a minute later. I said, you know, at the same time, if one date with me was enough, I paid for 11 more matches through the matchmaking service and I can move on to the next if you'd prefer. And then she texts me like 30, 40 minutes later. She's like, you're cute. Sure, let's do it, which is funny. Because I'm like, sure, let's do it. Let's do what? Like, you want to meet up with me again? So I sent her a message after that. I'm like, awesome, when are you free next? And as I go to bed, she hasn't responded yet. And I'm really grateful that this first date went pretty well.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.
Treating a First Date Like Free Throws
Originally published December 27, 2025.
This is my journal entry from December 27, 2025 — my real, unedited day, shared just as it happened.
Y'all aren't gonna believe this shit, but I had a fucking date today with a girl off Hinge. You're like, hold the fuck on, Jerry. You literally had no matches last night. What happened? Well, I woke up to a new match and a message this morning. Like, you fucking shitting me? Like, I changed my profile to be toxic as fuck to just fuck off and make jokes and seriously? That worked? Absolutely it did. This Muslim girl in Tampa matched me when I told her that I sent her some toxic comment about her profile saying that I don't know if she really wants honesty or not. It was criticism. Constructive feedback. At 3 in the morning, she matches me and sends me a message. I wake up at 7. I'm like, I don't even know what this notification is. Like, this is a match on Hinge? I think I had one, and I respond to it with a long-ass paragraph because she had these short-ass answers on her profile, and she wanted honesty, but I'm like, you can't handle the truth. So I give her most of the truth. But this girl doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs or cannabis, which I'm like, awesome. And she wants kids. She's 38. I'm like, let's go. But she's a Muslim. So she's got the traditional outfit on. I can't fucking see anything except her face. Can't get any idea of what her body's like. And then I'm messaging her and she wants to meet up like today. I'm like, God damn. All right. Well, fuck. I'm not doing anything this afternoon. Let's go.
But let me slow down just a little bit. My ex-wife and the kids were out of town this morning, so I went down to check on the dogs. And then I got ready to take all my shit to my gym. I actually slept in a little bit today to like 8, maybe 7.30. Ah, fuck it. I got up at 7, but I turned the alarm off, still got up at 7. I was messaging and looking on the dating apps. I can't believe this shit actually worked. It's so ridiculous. You need to provoke an emotional reaction out of a woman. My new dating book will be coming out with this advice in it. I'm looking forward to having lots more evidence that it works. I guess I need to screenshot some of this shit too so I can remember it.
Anyway, I go to my gym today and bring my table there like 15 minutes late. There's a nice spot right by the door. So people have to see my fucking shitty books. And I sit down, throw all my books across the table, get on my laptop and start editing. Then like nothing happens for the first hour, but I'm editing this shit out of my sixth diary book, which I still don't have a name for. This motherfucker is going to be 150,000 words. So giddy up. I'm about 30,000 words into it by the time I finish at the gym.
Meanwhile, another girl matches with me on Bumble this time after I edited my profile. Like I explained yesterday, I'm like, are you fucking serious? Like I can't, you can't just be a straight up regular nice person who lays things out logically. You got to talk shit and provoke an emotional reaction out of a woman. And this girl within like an hour or two of matching me, we have a date set up for tomorrow at 12.30 at a sushi place. I'm like, God damn, this girl's an attractive woman who has kids and is not sure if she wants more kids. So basically if she likes me, maybe we can have some kids. That's how it'll go.
I sell two people my books. I update my signs. Before, I had all the books I was giving away for free, then I was just selling the books two for 20. I'm like, fuck it, let's put it together. So I got first book free, and then below that it says two for 20. One woman comes up who's attractive, and she has teenage kids. She's probably like 10 years older than me. And I'm like, this bitch is hot. She actually buys two books and then does something I didn't think of. She takes the third one also. I was kind of thinking if you got the first one free, maybe you'd pay two for 20, but she's like, nope, getting my money's worth on this. She sends me $20 over Venmo and leaves with three of my books. She takes Author in St. Petersburg, The Kind Divorce, and I Was Famous on the Internet. I'm like, let's fucking go. Thanks a lot. Great job. You just made my day. Handing someone my books and watching it make their day reminds me why I do this, and if my work speaks to you, I'd love for you to set up a call with me.
I end up hanging out at my fucking desk for a while longer and editing. And a guy comes up this time and he buys two books on a credit card. And I convince him to take a third one because the woman before took two. So he can fucking take, you know, his two plus another one. He tries to pay, but I'm like, fuck it. He takes Officer Banfield in addition to Author in St. Petersburg, and The Unpolished Truth, Living Alone Again. It's so interesting to see which books people take. I try and tell him that Living Alone Again skips ahead of Author in St. Petersburg, but he's not interested. He just wants to get straight to the living alone. And I'm so grateful. That's four books I sold, $40 I made today, six books, plus I give a couple others out for free, like eight books that go out. The $40 actually makes me a profit or breaks even on all the books I gave out. And those books all have letters in them promoting my other books and my book writing services. Plus, I did a shitload of editing, got to look at a ton of hot girls, exchanged smiles with some of them. And then I packed my shit up a little after one o'clock, put it all back in the car, drove it home, then went back to my gym and did a little high intensity training workout on my own. Some of the same stuff I did in the class.
At this point, I reflect how one of the girls yesterday, I messaged like five or six girls to go out yesterday. None of them responded except one by the end of the day. And the one who responded actually shows up at the gym. And I tell her that I messaged like five girls and she was the only one that said yes and had the decency to respond, and she can't wait to get away from my table as soon as possible. Then this other girl fucking leaves a like. I said, hey, it was nice seeing you, blah, blah, blah, the other night. I enjoyed the few times we talked and would like to get to know you better. Would you like to go for a walk on Crescent Lake Park sometime this week? This girl in the middle of the night leaves a fucking like on my message. I'm like, what am I supposed to do with that shit? All right. What am I supposed to do with that? Does that mean I should take it that, yes, you do want to go for a walk? I'm like, no, you know what? I'm not going to fucking follow up. All you can do is drop a goddamn like? At least she acknowledged it and didn't fucking shit on it or say no. But I'm like, you know what? That's actually kind of clever. But yeah, I ain't inviting you for a walk acting like that. Fuck it.
I also book a tour at a co-working space downtown, as I'm looking to have a venue where I can schedule my little event that, of course, nobody bought a ticket to today because I just put it up and didn't promote it at all. After that, I then pile in the car and get ready to head over to a mall in Tampa. When this Muslim girl on Hinge asked me to meet her in person, I told her, I'm like, shit, why don't you come to Crescent Lake Park at 2 p.m. for a walk? She said she didn't initially know what to do with that, but I told her, look, women always are saying on these profiles that they want clarity, although sometimes what people ask for and what they actually fucking want are two different things. So I told her, like, I just give her specific plans. Like, I thought, what would be convenient for me? I'm like, if she'd come to Crescent Lake Park, she can do all the driving, take a walk, that'll be fine with me. Apparently, she's working, so she asked if we can meet at the mall later.
And it's funny, because later she tells me she fucking showered and washed her hair. But she's wearing one of those traditional Muslim outfits, which maybe is called a burqa. I don't know what the fuck it's called. But where everything but her face and her hands are covered. I'm literally checking out her hands and her face. Like, I wonder what the rest of her is like. I'm like, this shit's actually kind of intriguing, because you really want to explore what's under there, because it's hidden. It's kind of the opposite of that lustful energy when a girl walks into the gym in a sports bra and a pair of underwear on, where you can see everything, and it ironically promotes less of a desire to really get to know anything else about her.
Dude, I'm like the hot girls can get away with so much shit. It's disgusting. And these hot girls are going around getting away with crazy amounts of shit. And I think the best way to get a hot girl is to be the kind of guy that doesn't let them get away with shit, because that's what they really want. I mean, a lot of these hot girls just are desperate to find a guy that doesn't let them just get away with everything because they're attractive. I'm like, okay, great, you're attractive. And I'm fucking smart as hell. But because I'm smart as hell doesn't mean I can just do whatever the fuck I want. And just because you're hot doesn't mean you can do whatever the fuck you want either.
So I meet this girl up at the mall. I suggested meeting in front of a store because it's right next to the food court. It's central in the mall. And for some reason, I'm paranoid about this, because she was so enthusiastic to meet me. Like, seriously, you literally matched me at three in the morning and within 12 hours, you're fucking meeting me in person. Is this normal? Like, is this what y'all are doing today? Because back in the day, we used to take like a week or two to fucking exchange messages before we meet up. But I guess, shit. She's ready to go right now. She's 38. She didn't have any time to fuck around. She's ready to have some kids. Let's get at it.
So she meets me up by the food court. I actually fucking walked by her because she's in a burqa, and like in this full, you know, apparently the dress is traditional in Christianity as well. Like this is what Mary would have actually worn back in the day that all this shit's written about in Christianity, which I know a little about, she later told me. But I literally walked right by her because she wasn't standing directly in front of the store, which is where the fuck I told her to meet. She texts me like five times saying I walked past her. So I turn around, and I'm like, okay, she's actually a little cute. And she seemed nice. But I'm like, good, there's promise here. And fuck me, it was awkward. Like when I met up with her.
It was so awkward. Just finding a place to sit. She wanted to get something to drink. I'm not getting shit to drink because I'm not having some sugar drink. That's like smoking five cigarettes or something like that for the insides of my body. Like, I don't need a cigarette drink. I'm good. So she gets a juice. And, you know, boy, I'm not paying for shit because I'm not fucking having anything. But she pays for a drink. You know, I'm watching what she's going to tip, too. She tipped 0%. I'm like, come on. Really? I mean, maybe they didn't have tips in the country she came from, because she's legitimately from a Middle Eastern country. Like, she lived there for most of her life. She's only been over here a little while. She tips nothing. I'm like, that's not a good first look. Let me tell you that shit. The drink was like $5. You can't add a fucking dollar? I would have put at least a $2 tip on a fucking $5 drink because look at these people working there. It's just fucking cheap not to. I mean, Christ, if you're pinching pennies that bad, you're poor in the first place and you shouldn't be buying a goddamn drink at the fucking mall with somebody. I digress. This girl is really nice too.
We sit down and she's like mumbling, whispering, like wringing her hands. It's funny because she's like nervous and I'm like not nervous at all. Like this bitch is making me nervous because I'm empathic. I'm not nervous at all because I'm figuring like there's 0% chance. There's 0% chance that I'm going to be like into her, into a literal Muslim girl who covered her fucking body up. Like there's literally no chance I'm going to be into her. But the nice thing is I'm figuring this is just practice. Like your boy needs to practice going out on dates. And it's easier to take practice swings when, you know, it's easier to practice your free throws and your three-pointers when you're not playing a fucking game. So I'm totally looking at this date as practice. Like, I'm just going to practice this date and practice being the kind of man I want to be on the date. And I want to definitely lead more on a future date because she was, like, pointing out tables and shit. And she looks all over for fucking tables, and I'm looking. She sits down at this table. And there's like all these tables of two lined up for more space. So you're like sitting right next to other people, but there was a space or two between us. I've started treating the hard moments as practice at becoming the man I want to be, and if you're growing in that same direction, you can book a one-on-one call with me and we'll grow through it together on our call.
So she gets into some small talk and shit first, like where she's from. I tell her I write books. She's like, am I going to be in a book? I'm like, well, maybe if you make some interesting material, you'll be in a fucking book. So congrats, your girl's in the book. But at this point, everybody's in my fucking books that I come across. So I don't know if it's anything to be special. But yeah, if you go out with me, you're going to be in a book. I won't mention your name. Unless, you know, you're going to be like a part of my life or something. And it's not going to make you look too bad. But yeah, you're in the book.
So then I'm like, all right, this time to test out what I've been meaning to test out. Because on the last date I went on with a woman I went out with, who, by the way, didn't text me back, which totally makes sense, it makes things easier, I realized I should have been honest and direct about what I was really looking for so much earlier in the date instead of dancing around it. So I'm like, all right, I'm just dying with curiosity. Like how are Muslim girls with courtship and all that? Cause I don't know shit about that. So I asked her about it at this table, you know, as polite as I can.
But you're probably listening to this in your home. God forbid this is being played in like a fucking football stadium or something and everybody's listening to this and worshiping me 2,000 years later and celebrating my goddamn birthday six months after I was fucking born for no good reason because I've been dead for 2,000 years. Nobody should give a shit about me anymore unless somebody made a fucking story up about how great I was and then convinced a bunch of people to believe that you should worship some guy that's been dead since before you were born. Seriously? All right. It's definitely a nice little side tangent. I can see all the Christian girls on the apps saying you must love Jesus fucking putting my book in a fire right now and burning that shit like it's fucking Germany in 1939. I mean, maybe 35, 36. They did a lot of book burnings. I don't know if they're still burning books in 39, but you know, they burned a lot of books there.
So this girl's awkward as hell. And these other two sit down to like not right next to us, but the seat next to us. So they're close. And meanwhile, I just asked this girl to tell me about how Muslims court. And she wants to talk privately, but she don't want to talk here. So she gets up with her drink, which she manages to spill some through the top. Somehow it fucking leaked. And then we walk around kind of aimlessly over to a luxury store. I'm like, don't be getting any ideas. I'm like, shit, we just stand here and talk right next to this column. She's like, next to the trash can? I'm like, I don't give a fuck. I'm not swearing much because it seems like she doesn't swear much either. And I can really adapt my language to any situation. It's just a processing filter. But to me, what feels most raw and authentic is how I'm fucking talking right now. So there it is. We walk back over to the food court and she picks a different spot to sit down. Plus she's talking so quietly. I have to like lean in close and ask her what she said several times. She doesn't understand my white-looking Black self either very clearly. So we have a hard time communicating for the beginning of it.
But then thankfully after talking for like 20 minutes, she gulped down the rest of this drink she got that she didn't tip for, so then we walk outside, I'm like, let's go outside, and I spot a couch over by this outdoor furniture store, like, this is perfect, I'll actually be able to hear her, we can have a real conversation, and things go well. So I point over to the couch, she's resistant, I tell her, let's go sit there, she has no better idea, so she concedes and goes to sit there. I'm like, I cannot date this girl. She is way too independently minded. I want a woman that'll follow some goddamn instructions, not debate every fucking thing. So we sit on the couch and the chemistry gets a lot better. She starts talking to me about Muslim dating because I'm like, all right, look, here's how the dating flow goes, at least with most of the people I've been out with. It's like, okay, first or second date, you talk to each other, physical contact, maybe make out by the second date. You get to know each other, you build physical and emotional connection over a few dates, and if we like it, maybe we'll move in, get married, have kids. Like, to me, that's the basic workflow. But ideally, you should at least meet somebody a couple of times before you get physical, because maybe they're just having a good day the first time. And I asked, you know, how's it go for Muslims or for you? Like, tell me about that.
So her idea is, you know, she wants to wait to get physical until she's definitely really attracted to the person. Like, that makes sense. She says she has an ex-husband already, so clearly she's done some of that already. And I ask her more questions. I'm like, okay, I got to ask this too. And I feel really proud that I did this today because this was, I'm like, this is what you need to practice. You need to practice asking what the fuck you really want to ask and not just being there and asking superficial shit, but asking the questions you want to ask. So her idea makes sense, but how physical are we talking? Like holding hands and making out, or where are we going with this? And I told her, I'm like, I'm not talking about when you're first dating or any of that shit. I'm talking about like being married, like a decade down the road. And she's like, well, my general outlook is that my husband, if he's going to be loyal to me and commit to me, which I would expect, then I would be there for him. She's like, now, you know, if I was tired or something, maybe I might say no here and there, but I generally would, you know, be available for him. And honestly, that moved me. That idea of mutual devotion and commitment was the most attractive thing she said. Hearing what real mutual devotion sounds like genuinely moved me, and if you're trying to figure out what you actually want in a relationship, I'd be glad to talk it through with you on a private one-on-one call.
I really got her activated emotionally when she asked me what I believed in, because it was obvious she was fucking Muslim. And it was not obvious about what was happening with me. So I told her that I'm God. Like there's no separation between me and the creator. Like I am literally God and so is everybody else. This is my fucking reality. This is my reality. I'm creating it. I even create the idea of God. Like that's who I am. I don't need a God to explain shit. I'm creating this literally right now. And I told her I remembered choosing my parents. I remembered not having one of these bodies and deciding to come here. And she starts to fucking, I can see neurons blowing out in her brain and stuff, like the processor overclocking. And she begins to wind up. So she gets going. She tells me all about what it means to be Muslim, and she talks a lot about Christianity and Jesus, too. She said Jesus is mentioned more in the Quran than Muhammad is, which I'm like, let me look that shit up, because I feel like Muhammad's a pretty big deal in Islam, so I'm kind of confused as to why Jesus would be getting more press time in the Quran than Muhammad, but she tells me about stories from her life and experiences from the Quran that helped her, and she starts getting emotional, too. I'm like, check. All right, we've done well here. On a date with a woman, to me, the basic barometer is can you get her to tap into her emotion and to feel something? Because if so, then you're going to connect.
Well, I'm totally going in on my idea that I'm God, and I absolutely am completely unswayed and unmoved by any of her shit about the Quran or Islam, being Muslim, and I totally, you know, rip apart every argument she puts out and just like, it's nothing to me. Like I've already thought of all this shit. She's like, talks about the past and infinite regressions and shit. I'm like, all there is, is now. The past is an idea, and I am literally creating this right fucking now. And I'm not this body. I'm not this mind. She's like, well, you're going to die one day. I'm like, no, I'm not. This fucking body will die, but I am immortal. I am God. I don't die. I mean, I experience the death of this body and that body and this creation and that star and this galaxy and this virus, whatever I'm inhabiting, but I don't die. I said, the only thing that's real is that which never changes. And I am that which never changes. And all these other things are forms. She's like, no, you are, you know, she starts getting into it. I'm like, whatever.
I changed the subject at one point. She literally takes a break to go pray. I'm like, at least she actually does the fucking prayers and has alarms on her phone for them. Respect, respect. Like if I'm going to be out with a woman dressed like this, you should be praying too. I'm like, you pray towards Mecca, right? And she's like, yeah, she seems a little impressed that I know that much because I don't know shit else about being Muslim. Although I did read the Quran a little bit like a decade ago, but not that I remember much out of it.
What's funny though, this Black woman and this white dude are sitting together looking like they're like snuggling over at this like table bench next to us. But, you know, significantly like 10, 15 feet away. The Muslim girl gets up and walks off to go pray. The Black woman looks over at me and she gives me a knowing smile. Like, I see you over here, this white-looking guy over here with this full dress Muslim girl. She gives me a like respectful, I see you smile. And I smile back like, hey, thanks for noticing. I see you over there, this white dude, much love. You know, it was really nice. Like it was one of the best parts of the day. Just that moment of like, I see you and you see me and it's cool. It was cool.
So she prays and she's gone like 10 minutes praying, and I'm like, respect. I avoid looking on my phone to try and swipe girls on Hinge or Bumble because I figure that's disrespectful, so I just sit there and look around. She comes back, and I'm like, let's switch sides of the couch. You get on the other side. She sits all the fuck away from me, but she's actually into me. I can tell getting her all emotional, talking about God and shit, this was the key to her heart. I'm in a deep-ass conversation with her, and time is slipping away. It goes past 5.30 like it's nothing.
And I'm surprised that the conversation has taken this far of a turn. She mentions she works in medicine. She talks about some, like, symptoms and medication. I'm like, yep. Definitely not interested in fixing that shit up. You can imagine she'd be pretty uninterested in my definitions of health. But at the same time, I've come to believe I'm the one who's been fucking healthy for years and who hasn't had any significant kind of sickness for years. So maybe I know a thing or two about health. And it started, she asked if I want to sip out of her drink. Like I could get my own. I'm like, in my experience I don't believe in germ theory. But at the same time, I don't need to be slurping sugary drinks either. So thanks for the offer. Now this is a doctor having me tell her I don't believe in germ theory. So we had a nice ass discussion.
But I start to think like, all right, the kids are going to be home. I'm going to go to this AA meeting later. And I'm going to need some time to like drive home from fucking Tampa and then see the kids for like an hour beforehand. I tell her, like, I need to go at 6. And she walks me out to her car, literally to give me a fucking Quran. Okay? I'm like, respect for this girl being such a devoted Muslim. Like, I've never seen a Christian this devoted before that I could talk to for more than a few minutes. And respect for this girl for being able to talk to me. I'm like, how much of an adventure is this? Like, how cool is it to be out with a girl that might want to marry me and have kids with me? Like, it's just really cool. I never thought I'd get to do this again over most of the last decade. And it's like, this is cool. This is a new fun experience I can write about. So we walk all the way back to her car. She has a little trouble finding it, even though she took pictures of literally everything she needed to. She gives me, like, a package. I'm like, does she have this for me? Or does she just roll around the trunk with, you know, an introduction to Islam in her fucking trunk all wrapped up nicely in a package that looks like she gets like 10 of them at a time in the mail and has them ready to go for infidels?
I'm like, is this girl trying to marry me and have kids with me, or is she trying to convert me to Islam? I'm not sure, but the conversion to Islam shit's definitely not happening. So she seems open to a hug, so I give her a hug, and then she's kind of lingering, it seems like she wants something else. I totally would make out with her, but at the same time I know this is not a girl that I want to keep seeing, so I don't want to like increase the heat and the tension by making out with this girl right now because it doesn't seem right. Like, I don't want to convince myself that I do want to be with her when I know this has been fun talking to her, but I do not want to marry this girl, that's for sure. She's great, and I hope somebody marries her and takes good care of her, and you know, he provides for her and is a great husband or whatever.
But I walk back to my car feeling pretty good. I'm like, you know, that was fun. But at the same time, I'm glad to be walking around the mall by myself. Am I self-conscious of walking around with a girl dressed in full Muslim gear in the mall? I am, yes. There was a funny part, too, where I saw there was another girl dressed up in whatever the fuck you call it. And I thought for a minute this girl had changed her outfit. Then I realized, no, that's a different girl. There's more than one Muslim woman at this mall right now, bro. It's like it's crowded. I literally went to the mall and didn't spend a fucking dollar either. I feel good about that.
So I walk all the way across the mall. She parked on the opposite side. And I'm like, this is a sign to me. Like she parked on the opposite side of the mall from me. Literally like the exact fucking other end. So I walk all the way over to my end and it's cool. It's like, all right, I'm glad I'm thinking clearly. I definitely don't need to go out with this girl again. I've checked my interest and verified it's not there. But at the same time, it was great practice because I want to be ready when I meet a fucking banger to act the way I acted on this date today. Except, you know, I was thinking I could hold this girl's hand, but I'm like, you know, I don't need to be amping this up right now just to see if I can. I'm good. Like, if anything, I want to be calming this shit down right now.
So I drive home. I just got distracted because I texted a woman I'd been talking to that I canceled my membership at a local spiritual community because I'm tired of these fucking light-based hippies, you know, that can't handle darkness and handle the negative. The negative is so powerful. You should learn to use the dark and the light. Don't just stick to one. Use both of them. So I texted her, I canceled my membership. Hanging out with you at the Halloween party was my second best memory from all the events I went to. I mean, you know I intentionally was fucking with her to try and send some message like that. She says, oh, Jerry, you'll be missed at the events. I hope you still come to the events sometimes. What was the first best memory? Bitch, wouldn't you like to know? No, seriously, the first place memory was talking to a woman I'd been interested in. I had an even better conversation with her. They're both fun, but that conversation got so deep. That shit was so hot. I'm like, all right, I'm glad I can just send these messages out and they work. I'm not responding at fucking 12 a.m. though. I'm going to bed. What the fuck am I doing up at 12.14 a.m. anyway? This is as late as I've been up in a while. But I'm going to wrap it up because I got tennis tomorrow at nine and then I got a date at the sushi place.
But all right, so I call my sponsor on the way home and talk to him. He's proud of me for taking so much action. Same time, I was a little rough on him because he's like, you know, I might need your advice on online dating. I'm like, all right, first of all, I take care of myself and I look good, which is very attractive. And I don't give a shit if you're in your 70s, you can change your eating and take better care of yourself. And then you'd have more success with women. But it's hard when you're, you know, not feeling very confident in yourself. Women pick up on that. So I told him, like, a nicer, gentler version of that. And, you know, I felt like he said I shamed him. I'm like, well, you can't handle the truth. I'm like, if you want to do better with online dating, then you need to take better care of yourself first and foremost. And then from there, you can do better. All right? So I talked to him on my way home. I like it, though. He can really take, you know, my honest feedback, which is nice. I've told him shit before, too, but he doesn't listen. Or he listens, but he didn't do anything about it. So that's fine. That's on him. I respect that a woman I'd been talking to actually texted me back too. And I'm working on leveling up my text game. Giving and taking honest feedback is something I value deeply, so if you want personal, straight feedback on something you're working through, I'd be glad to get into it with you one-on-one.
35 fucking minutes I've been dictating this. All right, it's time to wrap up. I get home, hang out with the kids. My son, I tell my son, always stay playful, son. Always be playful. Keep being playful. Keep that energy your whole life. And he plays with me like crazy. Fucking gets this berry popsicle all over me. Like, I wore this, you know, pink shirt. I was going to say nice, but it's fucking cheap. My ex-wife got it for me, you know, to not look like a bag of assholes on one of our pictures a few years ago. And my son, it's just a plain ass pink, you know, regular ass collared shirt, 100% cotton. And my son smears this popsicle all over every direction of it. My ex-wife sprays it off and throws it in the washer. I have a full dinner at my ex-wife's house off of these whole fruit popsicles she makes. And then I come home, I drive to the AA meeting.
And there's a lot of people I know there tonight. Fortunately, I'm not fantasizing, but I see so many people I know, I end up just talking to people I know. I meet one girl, she's got, like, some gray hair. I think she sat in front of me last week. If she wanted kids, I'd probably go out with her. But I've figured out today my hard line filter is they've got to want kids. That is my barometer. I will put up with some other shit out of you if you want kids. But if you don't want kids, don't call me. Stop calling. All right. And I drive home from the AA meeting. It was a nice meeting. Good speakers.
And then I go over to my mom's house. My mom's fucking toxic about: last night, I said something blunt about a family member, that physically she's got a lot of work to do on her health. She's like, don't ever say that again. I really like her. I'm like, look, can we stop fucking lying, all right? Can we just be honest? Because my whole point is I'd rather tell somebody the hard truth than feed them a comfortable lie, because this is why people are so fucked up. It's because nobody comes up to you and is honest about where you're really at. And I hold myself to the same exact standard. I told my mom, like, I was a fixer-upper too. When I met my ex-wife, I was a fixer-upper, and I had a ton of work to do on myself. I don't think it's kind to pretend somebody's in great shape when they're not. I think it's kinder to be honest so they can actually do something about it. But this is just honest. Like, this is what people are thinking. Most people don't have the balls to fucking say it and be honest about it. And I appreciate that I ruthlessly don't give my mom a fucking inch on this, because to me honesty is the loving thing, even when it's uncomfortable. I didn't get up and leave, and when my mom gave me some shit, not only can I take it, but I'm going to push back. My mom tries to say that our marriage was a failure because we got divorced. I'm like, listen. Every marriage ends, whether it's divorce or death, it doesn't matter that much how it happens. I didn't make any vows to stay together in sickness or health or forever. Marriage is not forever to me. That might be forever to her. She's like, it's successful because your dad and I, he died and I'm a widow. She's like, that's the only successful way to have a marriage. I'm like, that's fucking stupid. Like, seriously? So you can be miserable as fuck and dad dies and you think that's successful? Like, no, I think me getting divorced, dating other women, having another family and everybody's happy, that's more successful than you and dad. That's my opinion. And that's great. I already am familiar with your opinion because I've thought that way before. I'm really happy with my opinion, and I think it's really successful that my ex-wife and I got divorced the way we did, especially if you read Author in St. Petersburg. I think you'll agree. All right, it is 12.23. It is time to turn this off.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.
Miserable at the Beach with My Dream Girl
Originally published February 9, 2019.
This is an excerpt from my memoir, Officer Banfield — the honest story of my years as a corrections and police officer, hitting bottom in alcoholism, and the long road to recovery.
She had wanted to go over with her friend and put her friend’s new baby in the pool, and she had canceled her plans with her friend to come go on this trip out of town. I think we were both hoping that somehow we would figure shit out, and then we could be together after that. Maybe an out-of-town trip was just what we needed.
We planned to go to Hilton Head where my friend and his wife had a house together that we were coming to stay at. I wanted to visit them, it was a great weekend off and I wasn't willing to cancel my plans to go visit them to hang out in town with her.
So, I talked her into going out of town with me even though we had not done anything together off duty since that disastrous…
Well, since we had had sex, and then since that night we had the fight.
We had not been together and done anything off duty since then.
I forgot to tell you about our first date.
"Oh, my God, Jerry. You really forgot something in this?"
I forgot.
For our very first date, this was maybe a couple of weeks before we got
stuck in dispatch together. I don't know if we officially called it a date or anything, but I had met her out for lunch or dinner at Zaxby's, one night. I took her out there and maybe it was a date, maybe it wasn't. I had ended up talking to her so much at work that we had gone out to Zaxby's, and my God, she looked so hot. I actually got there late.
I remember I was talking to my friend that lived with me and who is still friends with me today. I was so pumped up about going out with her, we went out and had a wonderful date at Zaxby's, and then we ended up hooking up and having sex like a few weeks or something like that afterward, although I still was starting to go crazy over her before this even happened.
So, that was the first time we had gone out. Then, she came over to my place the night we had sex, and then this out-of-town trip was only our third time doing something together outside work. I was so afraid that she would back out of this trip. I was so scared because I just had no self-confidence.
We had just switched over to day shift, so I was working the day shift at this point. I had been working it for like a week. She was staying on the night shift still and she wasn't rotating. I guess she was just night shift dispatcher at that point.
Therefore, there was a weekend before we took this trip and I was obsessed. All I thought about that whole weekend was when we would get to go out together.
Would we be able to go out of town? Would we get to have sex again?
Would we get to have a relationship? Would things go well after that?
I thought nonstop about it. This is why I hated staying sober because of my obsessive mind. It was torture, a combination of torture and excitement. A kind of fear that it kind of felt good and exciting, but at the same time, it
was miserable and horrible.
I had a whole weekend like that right before the trip was to happen. I remember I went to bed early the night before the trip. I got off of work and went to bed at like 10 o'clock or something.
She was working all night, I was so scared, so unsure of what was going to happen in the morning because she said she was basically going to get straight off of work and come take this trip with me, which after working a 12-hour shift, and then going on an out-of-town trip with a guy that you have had sex with once, who wouldn't ask you to be his girlfriend, whom you had a bunch of drama with at night a couple of times, this was Hella Sketchy.
I woke up and I was so nervous.
I said, "Please God, I want to do this trip."
I really wanted the trip with her. I wanted it so bad and she sent me a message that she had gotten off of work. She was ready for me to come pick her up. She had me pick her up at her parents’ house where she lived. I remember she had just everything for this. She had three bags that she had all her stuff in like shopping bags like you would buy at the mall.
These were kind of small shopping bags though like you would go to Godiva Chocolate or some other shop, and you would get a little chocolate and they give you a little bag. She had three small bags, and she had everything packed for a two-day out-of-town trip with me.
We were planning to go stay Monday all day, and then Tuesday, and I had to work on Wednesday.
So we were planning to come back on Tuesday and stay with my friends. She had these three little bags, she was looking absolutely
beautiful, and I just couldn't believe this was happening.
I thought, "Oh, my God, we're really going to take this trip together."
She got in my Toyota Corolla, and we set off for Hilton Head Island. I had made an entire CD just for our trip. The first half of it was happy songs and the second half was sad songs. I noticed her energy really picked up when we got into all these sad songs. I remember almost like an out-of-body experience like floating with the cars.
We drove to Hilton Head, I was so happy.
I thought, "Here we go. This is the rest of my life. It's all beauty from here on. I'm going to have a beautiful girlfriend and we're going to have a beautiful family. I have a nice job and career. Everything is looking good from here. I got this. Everything's all good. Thanks Dad for helping me out a couple of weeks ago. Life is good."
We talked about work, we had great fun, we were connected. I remember stopping to get gas with her off the interstate and we drove in to meet my friends at their house.
That's where everything started to slide because you know this isn't a happy story that we are talking about here.
Yeah, I don't know whether it was my friend’s energy or what, but as soon as we walked into the house, it started to get awkward and uncomfortable. In particular, maybe because my friend and his wife, I don't know if they were married yet, but obviously they had what you might want.
They were in a relationship together and I guess it was obvious to the dispatcher at this point that like she was not having what she wanted and I didn't realize that she used to go on trips.
She used to go with the other guy to Hilton Head or somewhere near there, and that he had just moved somewhere near here. I thought I had finally gotten rid of him, but nope. This had actually reminded her a lot of him, of course.
We went out to lunch and the best way I can put it is, I went unconscious. Have you ever been in a phase in your life where it is almost like you are watching what's going on and you are helpless to control it?
Lots of times this will come up if you get an argument with your spouse or doing something stupid. It is like, you know better. You know something else should be going on.
I had a fight with my ex-wife the other day and I am wondering, why am I saying these things?
Why am I walking out of my house, slamming the door? I don't want to be like this.
Why is this happening?
This whole day with the dispatcher was just like that.
Here I was out at lunch with a beautiful girl and pressing the shit out of my friends like, "Damn. Look at this 10 Jerry is with. The hottest girl any of my friends had ever been with by far."
Here we were out to lunch together and I was fucking miserable. I was miserable and it blew me away.
The worst thing that can happen is to get exactly what you want sometimes and to think that getting what you want will give you happiness. Learning where happiness actually comes from took me years, and it is the heart of what we can work on together when you set up a call with me.
We were out to lunch and I was fucking miserable. I felt uncomfortable
with her. I didn't know her and she was probably getting tired at this point from having worked all night, then taking a road trip with me two hours to Hilton Head and meeting my friends.
She was probably feeling really awkward because she didn't know my friends at all. I was totally not understanding. I was all pissed off, and then we went to the beach after having lunch.
I remember telling my friend that I hated this fucking bitch, "Why am I here with her?"
He said, "Dude, you're at the beach, man. Just have fun. What's wrong?
What's going on?"
I then said, "I don't know. I hate this fucking bitch. I'm miserable. I hate this."
I got a rare moment of honesty. I just told him how I felt like, "I hate this shit. I hate this fucking bitch."
Isn't that crazy?
And then I was in love with her at the same time. It reminds me of Eminem describing Kim.
Many of my friends have had whole things like this go on for years and years.
"Oh, my God."
So, I remember we rolled there in two different cars. My friend's wife had a Mustang with the top down and he had a Corolla just like me. We had gone there in separate cars, so that I could talk with my friend and that the dispatcher could talk with my friend's wife.
We drove there, and then, like a shit for some reason, I was determined to sit and ride with the dispatcher because I just wanted to be next to her, keep an eye on her or something.
So I demanded to ride in the backseat of my friend's Mustang and the
dispatcher wanted to ride there too.
I stuck my friend riding in his car by himself, this is how fucked up I was like just wanting what I wanted. Meanwhile, the Tupac song "Staring at the world through my rear view" was just loud. It was like I was in the middle of a day I knew I will regret. It was like I was on a roller coaster and I couldn't do anything about it.
Those lyrics, about violence and feeling like the world had stopped caring, hit me hard.
That song was just playing so loud in my head. I remember looking up at the sky feeling so hopeless. I remember very clearly there was this guy. He kind of looked Mexican. He was driving a truck and he looked over at me and I looked over at him, and we made eye contact and I wondered if he could sense the hell I was in.
This really was the heaven that I had wanted, I had fantasized, I had given everything.
"I wanted this trip so bad. I am in the middle of it and I am miserable.
What is happening to me?"
Naturally, we went to the liquor store after this.
Now, I had been sober since that lowest night, which by this point had been a couple of weeks. I had managed to stay sober and be a complete disaster mentally, and my life felt like a pile of shit. I had one obsession, one obsessive thought after another, even though my body was feeling full of energy and life. If your mind runs you in obsessive circles like that and you want to talk through what is underneath it, you can book a one-on-one call with me.
So, we went to the liquor store because drinking will make stuff better in this situation, right?
Nope.
She was not even 21 yet and we took her in to the liquor store anyway and we bought all our favorite stuff. She had been talking about these drinks she was so excited to make for us.
We went to the liquor store and for a brief moment, I was feeling good like, "Here I am with the dispatcher in this beautiful liquor store together," which felt like the candy store at the time, which now feels like the poison store. We got out of the liquor store, we went home and for a little while, everything was okay.
Then, she made some drinks at my friend's place, we started drinking, and this was not a good idea.
"Oh, shit. I fucked up. I fucked up bad, but we are just going to have to go through with it. Maybe another drink will make it better."
We started watching "Beetle Juice" and she was sitting on the floor. I was trying to get handsy with her, trying to rub her shoulders and stuff, but she was not having it.
She was still pissed off.
"I won't be your girlfriend," I guessed.
I just didn't know what to do and she started talking about how she had these feelings for the guy before and I was just feeling like I was not good enough. I was drinking and I just started feeling like shit.
We were watching "Beetle Juice" and I was just wishing if things would be different. Here I was in the middle of my fantasy wishing things would be different. We ended up going out to dinner, and we had a great dinner together.
I think we ended up cussing at each other and maybe yelling at each other. We started getting all pissed off.
My friend, his wife and I, we were out to dinner with the dispatcher who was looking just beautiful. That was a beautiful place too by the water and we ended up taking some pictures, and I was fucking miserable.
I was hating it and yet I didn't want to be. I was thinking everything should be different, but I didn't know what to do. I felt so miserable. I couldn't help myself. I was so miserable and fucked up. I was getting drunk and things were getting worse. I didn't know what to do.
We got back home and the car ride was uncomfortable. I said some nasty shit at dinner and the dispatcher was all pissed off at me. She didn't say anything on the way home. I was trying to hold her hand. She won't have it. I was all pissed off.
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