Today is my vlog for March 1st, 2025, my 5,024th day on YouTube. I had a little resistance to filming this one, so maybe it will turn out more interesting than usual. There is certainly some stuff I do not want to talk about, but my disposition seems to be that of the kind of person who talks about everything. And today a big lesson for me is learning that other people who have dispositions that like to keep things private have a valid way of living too. There is not one right way to live.
On this particular day, my daughter's friend is over and is sleeping. Thankfully she slept until seven o'clock, which is all we asked. They got a good night's sleep, which I am really happy about. So we wake up, Laura and I hang out for a little bit, and then Laura takes him down the street for a minute. I get a quick crypto video and an autobiography segment recorded, upload a couple of other videos, and then we go to Yogurtology for what is essentially brunch. The yogurt machines are not cooled yet, so they are just shooting out runny yogurt water, which is gross. But I get a seven ounce cup with a little birthday cake golden cupcake flavor in the bottom, give myself half of a blondie brownie and some cookie dough and stuff on top, which was good. I have some good conversations with the parents of Madeline's friend, and we have a good time together. Then we go home.
A Day With No Plan
We do not have anything planned for today. Sometimes I like to have my whole day planned out so I know what to expect and how to balance everything out. Today is not one of those days. So the kids end up playing with the neighbors across the street. They do a lemonade stand, and they play soccer, Among Us, hide and seek, football, baseball, and basketball. They are playing a lot. I was having these fear thoughts come up, like what if something happens to my first grade son, I should supervise. But then I am also thinking, well, I do not want to be a helicopter parent who just hovers there and constantly will not let my kids be without me for a second. So I make a salad and I sit on the storm drain. I eat the salad while I watch the kids play, and I make some calls, including a call to my sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous. I spend a while outside watching the kids, and they do a lemonade stand in front of our house, so we are watching them out the window.
I am feeling like there are so many things I want to do and I have so little time to do them. I help Laura get a nap during this time, which I feel good about. That is one of the things she does as a self-care practice, and it really helps her. So I tell her, I want to play video games, I want to film all these videos, I want to hang out with the kids, I want to go to yoga, I want to play tennis, I want to make music, I want to go for a run, I want to go play basketball. I have so many things I would like to do. I would like to go out with Laura and the kids and do something. It feels like I have so little time every day to do the things I want to do. I have 40 hours of stuff I could cram in every day that I want to do, and I have energy to do it, because I take time to get eight hours of sleep a night and I take time to eat right.
Laura says she feels the same way. She has been working on painting the house for about a month. She just paints a little bit whenever she has time. And the patio is still not finished, and I want to finish the patio. I want to get to work on the taxes. So I ironically see that sitting there just talking with Laura, watching the kids, is itself proof. Doing nothing is proof that I have so much time I can afford to sit and do nothing. So I sit and do nothing for a while.
The "Not Fun Dad" Conversation
I finally get the kids to come back inside after three hours of playing with the neighbors. They are hot, tired, and cranky. I tell them to sit down and rest for a minute. Then my son gets all upset because he wants to go back and play more with the neighbors. I tell him, you are tired and cranky, man. You need to rest and calm down first before you go play more, otherwise you will just be tired and cranky with them too. If you are going to be tired and cranky, let's just do it here. So he has a fuss and says I am not a fun dad and all of this stuff.
And it is like, son, what have I done for fun today? What have I done for fun? I have washed dishes. I have gotten you stuff. I took you and your sister to go do something you wanted to do. I filmed videos for my work. I have cleaned the house, vacuumed, swept, taken care of the dogs, watered the trees, and cleaned up some poop in the backyard. What have I done for fun at four o'clock today? No, I have not done anything for fun. All I have done is work all day.
That is something I did not think about as much before having a kid. When I was a kid, I did not really think about how much work my parents did. And yes, I believe fun is important, absolutely. But one of the downsides of being a grown-up is that you are often going to spend a lot of time doing work. Some of the people who spend the most time having fun also do that either by giving a lot of value to people and working like crazy sometimes, or by extracting value and being dishonest and tricking people out of money. When you see somebody in a phase of life, it is worth remembering that. In my experience, I had a lot of times in my life as an adult where all I did was focus on fun. Outside of my 40-hour-a-week job, everything else was fun. And there is the opportunity, if you take care of yourself and you do not have to work full time, you could retire and have a lot of time for fun.
So I have that conversation with my son. He eventually gives me a hug and says he is sorry. I said, you hurt my feelings. I am not a fun dad? I am giving you the fun I can give you. I am giving you all the fun I have got to give you. And I am setting what I think are reasonable boundaries to help you help yourself and to have fun yourself. I tell him, you could work, son. You could get out in the backyard and work and make some money and take stuff off of my to-do list. Pick the poops up, water the garden.
A Men's Meeting and a Disease of Perception
Then I go to my Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I had not been to one since Wednesday and it is Saturday by now, so it was really nice. This is a men's meeting, a room full of men sharing about being sober, and this was one of those meetings. Some meetings it is like, I am doing good, I am just here to help other people, I am not having any acute issues. This one, it feels like something is building, and everyone keeps saying something that is really useful for me.
I get home and work on putting the kids to bed with Laura, cleaning up, washing dishes, and doing more work. I try to find some YouTube videos to watch and go for a run. Then Laura gets the kids in bed, I take the dog for a walk, and visit my mom. Then I come home and talk to Laura.
What the Body Was Telling Me
I take a shower, and I have been having this little pain in my anus. I keep thinking, I believe the term for this is a hemorrhoid. I do not think this is something I have had before, but I think that is what it is called. So I talk to Laura and I get this book called Heal Your Body by Louise Hay, because this book has been really helpful for me. I go to the section where it says hemorrhoids, and it says the cause is fear of deadlines, anger of the past, afraid to let go, and feeling burdened. And I am like, God, that is so accurate.
The basic idea of this book by Louise Hay, and what I have experienced in my own life, is that often physical symptoms in the body are connected to mental and emotional patterns. And this hemorrhoid thing felt dead accurate to me. I have had things like the taxes piling up, wanting to get the patio done. And I have absolutely been holding anger of the past, a family member who hurt me, afraid to let that anger go, feeling burdened. The affirmation and the mental practice to replace that with is: I release all that is unlike love, there is time and space for everything I want to do. That affirmation hit me like, holy crap. There is time and space for everything I want to do. I was just like, man.
So then I talk to Laura about a family member I have been piling all this anger toward. And something a guy said in a meeting comes back to me: we have a disease of perception. And I realize that most of my anger at this family member could be explained purely by my perception. There is a way to look at their behavior, and almost everybody else sees their behavior as not worth being as angry as I am about it.
So I ask my wife what I should do. She says what I should do is just say I am sorry and state that I am going to go forward with the relationship with an emphasis on kindness, compassion, and understanding. And I am like, oh, I really do not want to do that. I just feel so disgustingly vulnerable. And she says, well, it is not about the apology, it is how they are going to respond to you. And I say, that is exactly where I feel vulnerable. Saying I am sorry, they are liable to just dump all over me and say, well, yeah, you have been a jerk, blah, blah. Or they are liable to be like, oh, whatever, it is not even a big deal. In almost no scenario are they going to say, well, I am sorry too, I have done this and this to you. It is possible, and I would love for it to happen, but I hate setting up to walk in and make myself vulnerable. Do I get any understanding back? Probably not. But then Laura points out that they have done good things for me, and they have been pretty nice about me ignoring them and all of that.
So I sure am very interested in getting rid of these hemorrhoids. If I have to apologize to somebody and be vulnerable and face getting hurt and let go of the past, I would be very happy to do that, because I am tired of this anus pain. It is not that bad, but I very much look at it as something I manifested. I manifested it from my own behavior, and I can help it heal from my behavior also. If you want to follow more of these honest daily reflections, they all live on my Life playlist. And there you go.