This is my journal entry from December 22, 2025 — my real, unedited day, shared just as it happened.
You can tell by my tone if you're listening. What the fuck happened today? Well, the date with a woman I went out with proved that we did not have much chemistry with each other. Felt kind of awkward and it didn't feel right. I imagine it felt the same way to her. And I left feeling like, what am I doing? I don't understand why I've been behaving like this. So a woman I had been seeing is very interested in me. And if I just want intimacy, she's interested and available. If I want more of a relationship, she seems available for that too. And if those are things I care about, then why have I been pushing her away when she's so eager?
Now, my first thought is, well, I've been fault-finding things that are wrong with her, criticizing various aspects of her, but everybody has shit with them that you could criticize, me especially, me included. Everybody's got something that's fucked up, and having a girl that really wants me right now is pretty special, and yet I've pushed her away for a month and a half. I've written things in here about her that I wouldn't want her to read.
So let me see if I can go through this day. I went over to my mom's house after. I got up and saw the kids first thing in the morning, which was nice. I walked around while my son went on his scooter and I raced him a little bit, which he had fun with. I pet the dogs, gave my daughter some hugs. Then I went to a 9:15 a.m. high intensity interval training class at my gym, which was a workout. And I came home and showered for the first time. I had some hummus. Then I went to my AA meeting, met my sponsor there, texted a couple of girls that I'd be there also, and one of them showed up. So I waved to her, talked to a woman who goes there and to a local spiritual community also afterwards. Then I went to my massage with my massage therapist. I talked to her about, you know, everything that I've covered with you. Then I went home. I showered again to get the massage.
I got a haircut on the way home. I got it high and tight this time, like a nice fade. Then I went to shower and get ready. I did a couple of letters today, just two, after mailing all the ones I did yesterday. I figure I've got them done, I might as well put them in the mail. And then I went out to meet a woman I went out with at the beach. You know, we didn't even hardly know each other. It was kind of bold for both of us to go on a beach trip with somebody, you know, just out to the beach. We both wanted to go to the beach anyway, so we took a walk. You know, I enjoyed some of her stories. We had some laughs, but I don't think there's much chemistry there.
And where I see I went wrong is the fantasies, which I've fantasized about girls since I was in, you know, elementary school. But I had some fantasies about her over the last week, picturing how great things could be with her. But those fantasies are very one-sided. They don't pay much attention to how she actually is. I had almost no information about her. It was totally irrational to be fantasizing about a girl I know that little.
Then, right afterwards, I went to a party with the local spiritual community tonight. And I sat on the couch, I didn't really feel like talking because I was so fucking sad and depressed after I set myself up to be disappointed tonight. Because what kind of real woman is going to live up to the expectations I've set in my mind about, you know, how she's just going to fall in love with me and we're going to have this great life? Like, Jesus Christ. Then the only person I was really interested in seeing was a woman I'd been talking to. She comes in. I talk with her a little bit. And then a man at the party sits down next to her. She seems more interested in him than me. And she's laughing at everybody and interacting with everybody the same way she interacts with me. For some reason, I thought I was this guy that was so funny and she really liked, but turns out she just interacts with everybody that way. And then I start spiraling and being like, how fucking delusional have I been? Jesus Christ, like, man.
Oh my God, like looking back to, you know, the way I was in my marriage and stuff, I'm just like, what the fuck have I been thinking? How did my thinking get this far out of line with reality? It's disturbing. Cognitive dissonance, like, holy shit, what am I thinking? I'm thinking this girl's all into me and liked me, and, you know, there's nothing that special there. It was nice sitting next to her and talking with her. I talked with her and the other guy.
But then I shared in the community thing, they're like, what gifts have you received this year and what are you looking to give next year? And I really bared my heart, my soul. I shared that this year I've got freedom. You know, a 15-year relationship has, you know, most of it's crumbled. And a 14-year career I built as a content creator has mostly been wiped. And I have freedom now. I'm not burdened or held in bondage to those YouTube channels and Facebook page anymore. I don't have to go to bed at any time tonight. There's no wife to keep an eye on me. But yet, part of me longs to go back to slavery, to having someone own me and tell me the right way to live, which I kind of felt my ex-wife did lots of times. If you're craving that kind of honest, open connection, I'd love for you to find it with us in the Jerry Banfield Family.
You know, same with my work. I just want to be told what the fuck to do and given my money. But I was not happy in either situation. I wasn't happy with my ex-wife owning me. And I don't think she'd tell you that I, although some of my friends and family said, you just do whatever she tells you, so there's some truth to it. But at the same time, my ex-wife gave me a lot of leeway and tried to meet me with what I wanted. I just look back at our intimacy, and I'm like, Jesus Christ, I was so ungrateful lots of times. I hadn't been close with anyone in a month and a half, and man, what I had then seems pretty nice compared to that. Pretty crazy I was so upset about it. But at the same time, I was reasonable. She often didn't desire me that much, and often things weren't that great, but maybe I put too much into that.
So I left. The event still was going for another hour or so, and I just left. I'm like, fucking, I've had enough of this. I said goodbye to a woman I'd been talking to and an acquaintance from the local spiritual community and just walked out. And then I went to see my mom, and I talked to my mom about it, and I realized, you know, the woman I'd been seeing, like, why have I been being so cold to her? She's clearly pretty connected with me. You know, she messaged me like 10 minutes after my divorce hearing was over to tell me she'd been sober. You know, we clearly have chemistry. We'd been close, and it was good. And yet my mind just ruthlessly attacks all of the things about her that aren't perfect or that I imagine my fantasy woman should do different. You know, like my mind goes off on various parts of her appearance and the beliefs she has and, you know, how she identifies as a they and them. And fuck, man.
But then, you know, it seems like she's very interested in me and maybe doesn't have that many other people she's that interested in. And yet, you know, you got some of these girls at the local spiritual community, they'd rather just sit there and do their plant medicine than hang out with me. Fuck. So I sent the woman I'd been seeing a message right before this, which I kind of am happy about and I regret simultaneously. I told her the date didn't go very well. Said no chemistry on the date tonight, which left me doing some soul searching. The question I'm at now is wondering why I've been chasing these other girls and then being sad when they're not interested. And meanwhile, I've been cool with you despite the obvious chemistry we have. And I asked her how her sobriety's going.
I'm like, you know, here, all right, let's look at things. If you care about intimacy, here's a woman who's interested and is perfectly happy, at least according to her, to be together without commitment, to be polyamorous. Here's someone with that to offer, if that's what you want. Like I told my mom, she's like, why don't you just not date? Like you've been getting so upset with dating, why don't you just not date? Like, well, I miss the connection. And it's like, well, this woman is offering that and she didn't even say she wants commitment. Like, why don't you just be with her? It's like, well, you know, I should be doing better than that. Or I don't like this or that about her. It's like, well, I guess you don't want it that bad, do you? I guess you really don't care about the physical part of the relationship that you're hoping and fantasizing about that much.
Usually when I fantasize, it's almost all about intimacy. I'm not generally fantasizing about much more than being with a girl. So if I'm rigorously honest, like I'm hoping I'm being in here, I mean, the main thing I'm trying to do dating is find that connection. And then there's a woman who wants to be with me, and I've pushed her away. Now I'm half hoping she won't latch onto my texts, but the other half thinks that'd be really exciting, especially if she's sober. The biggest issue I had was her pot smoking, and she said she's been sober as of a few days ago. So I'm doing it.
Oh, I also shared in front of everybody at the local spiritual community, I'm like, you know, I've got that freedom, but part of me wants to just give it away, and part of me feels like it's only halfway to where I really want to go. Like, I really want to go to total freedom. And again, there's just like dating, I guess there's no need to hurry that. There's no need to hurry. So I better try and enjoy it as best as I can right now, right? My body's healthy. You know, I got everything right now. Just like when I was married, I had everything then too. Just hope I can see it.
And I do want to go forward dating without all the highs and lows. I'm getting way too high off these girls and I'm crashing way too hard. And then I got a girl that actually wants to be with me and I'm keeping her at arm's distance. Then I'm getting excited about other girls. And then sad when they don't want me, but then I'm pushing away the one that does. That's silly. So we'll see what happens tomorrow. I did listen to Dr. Robert Glover's dating FAQ book. And it's funny, he literally said, you know, you should walk through open doors. Stop idolizing and putting these hot girls on a pedestal because they're attractive when they often have, not always, but they often have shitty personalities. If you're caught in a cycle of highs and lows like this, I'd be glad to talk it through with you one-on-one on a private Zoom call.
A woman I'd been seeing just messaged me back, there's only 10 minutes. Said she's sorry my date didn't go well. Like, well, that's my fault, isn't it? I've been pretty horribly judgmental about women, but at the same time that I want them to love me, I put myself in a position to be hurt, and then I get upset that I'm hurt. Like, maybe I do need to be more receptive to the love that's there. Maybe I could learn a lot by, you know, being grateful for what I do have, that there's one girl that was very enthusiastic about me a month ago and she seems to still be very interested in me. And like, shit, how much more do you need, man? So I'll let you know how things go tomorrow. Love y'all. Thank you.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.