This is my journal entry from March 3, 2026 — my real, unedited day, shared just as it happened.
We wake up and the kids are slightly dragging after their later bedtime. My daughter says they'll go to bed earlier tonight, which is fine. We get all the lunches made, get the agenda signed, and we're out the door. I get a little bit of snuggles with my son and wrestling in the back seat. I'm immediately heading over to a massage with a friend, which is unusually scheduled this early in the morning. And I'm taking a day of rest today. I think it'd be ideal once a week, as I said before, to just take at least one day a week where I kind of like give my body a rest day where we don't have to hit the usual physical level of activity. I enjoy a great conversation with my friend going over, you know, her book. And she likes the book business model, she's enthusiastic about it. And we just talk like the whole time. But there is time to also have some quiet. She does this new technique on me, she just went to a workshop and learned it, where it's something like myofascial release or something like that.
And then I remember a woman I had been seeing wanted to do a free massage on me just to test that technique herself. Then I feel bad about how I treated her when she was so nice to me and she gave me all those massages in trade and we had such a strong connection. I fucking, you know, did what I described in my writing. Yeah, I don't feel good about, you know, stopping seeing her and all that. So I get a big release. I start feeling all these feelings and I have a nice cry right there on the table. And I talk my friend through what I'm feeling, too. Like, I hear I've been going around criticizing these girls endlessly in my head. And well, that's been reflected in my writing as well. But it's like, look at my behavior. Now, this might be obvious. If you've managed to somehow read a bunch of these, you might be like, holy shit, what's surprising is that he has this level of awareness that, you know, he can see what an asshole he's been with these girls. Or, you know, there was a way to be nicer and more loving and more open. You know, I felt bad about my behavior, especially with the woman I'd been seeing. She was like the first one that I felt bad about. And then the woman I'd been talking to, I felt bad about that, too. Like I sent her a message after meeting her and then I didn't text her for two months. I run into her at a local spiritual community thing, you know, and then she didn't respond a couple of days ago.
Yesterday, I sent out some messages to a few women to see if they wanted to record a book with me. One was kind enough to say, you know, thanks, she's not feeling doing a book by dictation. You know, one lives an hour and a half away. The woman I'd been talking to hadn't heard from me in a couple of weeks, maybe a month. And she just didn't respond. And I was like, there's a big inventory taking this morning. It's like, damn, I'm not impressed with my own behavior towards women. And I could see that that bad feeling, especially what happened with the woman I'd been seeing, was then being replayed in all my other interactions with women. Having that good cry helped me also see like, look, I'm going to go forward and be as nice as I can be. Also, I thought about other times I'd led someone on and we both ended up feeling used. Like I set her up to feel bad and, you know, to feel kind of used. And I felt used and annoyed in the process myself. Like I led her on and made her think there was something there that there wasn't. And I was thinking of Jesus, you know, go forth and sin no more. Like, at least you can see what was done. OK, now I'm not going to live like that going forward. I'm going to clear my energy and be grateful and have interactions.
Like I told my friend also, like when I was getting spun up about trading with her, I'm really glad that we turned that into the productive energy of doing her book together, which I mentioned her and her book in my letter that I'm going to be giving out to a bunch of people in St. Pete. I'm like, I'm glad her and I were able to turn that energy that, you know, sabotaged relationships, like the one with the woman I'd been seeing, that same energy with my friend we're able to create something out of that, which was really beautiful. So I have a beautiful session with my friend and I'm glad I scheduled this right before she's going on a trip so I won't get to see her again this month.
After the massage with her, I'm feeling really good. I head straight to the recovery meeting today. My sponsor's there chairing the meeting. I get called on pretty early, which is nice. I share, pass it on. And then after the meeting, I text a couple of girls I haven't seen a little bit. The one did the coffee last week. Said I missed her. No response. And I text another one that I haven't seen there in weeks. She was in kind of a dark place last time I saw her. Said, hey, hope you're doing well, I haven't seen you in a little while. She says, thanks, you too. Like, well, I guess I got what I wanted out of that, didn't I? I got an acknowledgement at least. But I noticed my mind's just fixated on this one girl who's pretty but still in her first year of sobriety. So, you know, that's on my mind. And I'm like, isn't that silly how much my mind focuses on, you know, it just takes for, you know, the one girl's response wasn't good enough.
And then I get a message from a girl I went to see, and she just randomly text me out of nowhere, you know, with a little funny little meme. And I said, hey, it's a nice surprise to get a text from you today. And she says, you know, I do what I can. And I'm like, see, now logically the mind should be focusing on how cool it was to just get a text first from this girl instead of like, oh, that girl didn't text me back. I'm like, that's logically what we should be doing here. So how about let's do more of what logically would make sense.
I go to this ACA meeting right after the recovery meeting, and my sponsor and another guy suggested I try that one too. The ACA meeting is real nice and I definitely love the idea of going to like four or five recovery meetings a week. And like one or two ACA meetings a week. I think that'll make a really strong program for me. The ACA program is so much more gentle and loving and kind and focused on healing compared to the other program. But the other program is very valuable for people in acute distress, which there are a lot today. The ACA is a deeper level of work. I see a woman there. I see several of the older ladies I know there. The one woman's in her 60s. And I remember she gave me her phone number years ago and she's like, oh, I didn't want you to think I was coming on to you or anything. And now I'm just noticing my own loneliness and attraction. And I remind her I still have her phone number and tell her I got divorced and everything. She says she has a date coming up on Thursday with a guy that she met online. She says that she doesn't want any of one political party either. And I kind of eye roll. I'm like, all right, whatever, to each their own, that seems like pretty trifling and unimportant to me. But you know, then again, some people don't care about sex that much and I do, so what do I know?
I head out of the ACA meeting and I barely have time to get home and eat and prepare snacks for the kids. Then I pick the kids up. They enjoy the snacks and I bring them home shortly after my ex-wife comes home and brings the dog. I tell her that, you know, why doesn't she go to the dog park with the kids by herself today? The kids are in a bit of a mood and a little bit of a fuss and tantrums and fights with each other. So I'm like, look, I've been with people all day from massage to multiple meetings, you know, and the kids pick up. I'm like, I'm good. Why don't y'all just have your time and space away from me today? You know, enjoy your time, just the three of you, because that's all the time my ex-wife's going to get with the kids today. Or so I thought. She comes back from the dog park. She's like, hey, I'm going to take them to get an acai bowl. I'm like, all right, that's cool. So she goes over there, gets a bowl for me too, drops $70 for food over there, comes back. I eat the bowl she gets from me. She heads out.
The kids are dying to play Settlers of Catan again. So we get another game in. This time we use the random setup, which they're excited about. And I get a win. And we have a great time playing. There's less fusses than yesterday, which is nice. And right as we're wrapping the Settlers of Catan game up, my mother comes over and reads to the kids. And I shower and I take a walk with my mother as well while the kids do their screens and homework and stuff. My mother, I love how she reads to the kids. All of us take showers, get lunches ready for school tomorrow, and then we're in bed at 9:15 tonight, which is nice. My mind tonight is obsessing about wanting some validation and connection in person. I'm like, all right, we'll consider these things tomorrow.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.