This is an excerpt from my memoir, Officer Banfield — the honest story of my years as a corrections and police officer, hitting bottom in alcoholism, and the long road to recovery.
I was scared to drink because of what I would do next, and I was terrified for my own life.
Then, I got drunk the next Saturday night.
I remember having this sense of hopelessness about me, that it won't even help ease the pain if I got drunk.
The dispatcher wasn't talking to me after my outburst for a little while, and I was out looking to run into a girl at the bar. I was at the bar all by
myself and God, I was miserable. I had a few beers at the bar, I went home and I hit the lowest, most hopeless point of my entire life. I was in unbearable pain, drunk, and convinced that nothing would ever get better, and I reached a moment where I truly did not want to live anymore. I'm not going to describe what I did or how, because the details do not matter and I never want to put them in anyone's head. What matters is what happened next. The next day I was still in that hopeless place, feeling like a filthy, unlovable piece of shit with nothing to look forward to. And thank God, I trusted my parents enough to tell my dad the truth about how far down I had gone. My dad had been to some very dark places himself, so he understood exactly where I was. I had never heard him so hurt, and through his pain he said, "Alright, Son. You're going to be okay. Just finish up with your shifts and when you get off, go to work today and go to work tomorrow, and I'm going to drive over and I'm going to come stay with you for a little while."
I had been trying to get my parents to move near me then because I had this sense that I needed to be near my family, that I needed to get out of being by myself. I needed to be around people who loved me. I had been trying to get my parents to move near me, but they had told me that I had to quit drinking if they were going to move near me.
I thought, "I'm not going to quit drinking. I don't have a problem. I'm fine."
And I wouldn't quit drinking.
So, they said, "Alright. Well, we're not going to move near you then. You don't care about us moving near you that much if you don't quit drinking."
My dad came to stay with me right before my birthday, right before I turned 25 and that was a relief because I knew there was no way I was going to be able to get through my birthday sober.
At this point, I knew I had to drink whether I wanted to or not. The pain was so great. I hated being sober and thinking about the shit I had done and my whole social life. All my friends, everything I did, all the video games were tied up with drinking.
Basically, all I did when I was off, especially on night shift was to get drunk. My dad came to visit, and the corporal interviews were about to happen.
Now, keep in mind, I had made the decision before this already, but I still tried to make sure that was how it would work out. My dad came to visit for my birthday. As soon as I got off work my dad drove down and stayed with me and it was a wonderful two-week break.
Meanwhile, I had been on the outs with the dispatcher. She had been seeing the guy a lot that she was with before, and I had since apologized to her one night.
I had gone to Sonic and got her like a drink or something, I came back and apologized to her. She initially didn't look like she was taking the apology at all, but then she later said that she thought, "Wow, no one ever brings me something when they apologize."
I thought, "Damn, that's low standards right there."
I had not been talking much with the dispatcher. We had had some bad fights, I had apologized, and then we hadn't been talking a whole lot. She was going on this cruise and I didn't know where things were going at all with her, she was all over the last guy.
She was on this cruise for like a week and she didn't have her phone. It was a merciful relief because I knew I couldn't talk to her and every time I drank, I would certainly start trying to talk to her. My dad came to visit while she was on the cruise.
Now, just before my dad came to visit, just on one of the other nights, I was at work walking around. This might have been right after the escort or right before that lowest night. I remember I was at work and I was in so
much pain. It was like nine at night and I fell down in the middle of the area where you could walk around near the gym, near the Strom Thurmond center.
I fell down in full uniform and I just relaxed. All the life just went out of my body. I just fell right on the pavement, laid there and cried. I don't know how long I was talking to my parents on the phone as I laid there and cried.
This thing with the dispatcher opened me wide up. I had tried to hide from my feelings and live a life without feelings before this, but it opened me wide up. There was no more hiding from my feelings. I was feeling life in all its glory and misery now.
My dad came to stay with me right after that lowest point. We had a great time. He took me out to eat. He took me to JC Penney to buy me a new suit for my corporal interview that I could wear to the courtroom to look professional after I had got made fun of one day for going to court in my tennis shoes and shorts, and the judge had dismissed my case because of my appearance despite the defendant not even showing up.
My dad got me looking sharp, bought me a nice new suit for my birthday and we had a beautiful time while he was there for my birthday.
It was a little tricky because this was the same night shift still. My dad was there for it and I would sleep during the day. He would get up early, and I would sleep in the bed. I don't know what he did all day while I was in bed sleeping, but we kind of rotated the bed.
He would get in, and sleep at night. I would try to play video games quietly when I was off, or when I was at work. I would be working, and then we would switch. I would get in the bed and sleep. He would be up during the day, and then we would have like six hours or so where we would hang
out together during the day.
One night, I went running in the garage. I went to campus, it was raining and I wanted to go running. It was funny, as a police officer, I felt like I own the campus even when I was off duty, as I knew where all these things were.
I went in and drove to a parking garage where I parked and I ran up and down in this garage one night. I just was full of energy. I hadn't drunk for a few days so my body was starting to feel better. I went and ran around this parking garage, and then I came back home and I remember seeing a message from the dispatcher.
She said she had just gotten back from her cruise, and I noticed I had this energy, I had this feeling she had a whole different attitude now that she had broken things off with that other guy. She was ready to be with me and she had a nice time relaxing, getting some clarity on the cruise, and she had forgiven me for being just absolutely bat shit crazy before.
We were ready to start afresh and I had this horrible and yet exciting feeling, right as my dad was about to leave and I was about to be back on my own, that we had just gotten started with all this shit, that I had only even seen the beginning of this disaster, and that's what happened.
My dad went home and I started talking to the dispatcher again. My dad left me, I was feeling good, I hadn't drunk the whole time he was there and now I thought, "Okay. The only problem I had before, I was just falling apart because things weren't going well with the dispatcher. All I need to do is just be nice with her. We will have things go well with her and there won't be any more problems. Everything will be fine."
I remember right after my dad left, right back at the bar with my friends thinking, "You know what? It has been a couple of weeks. I'm doing well
with the dispatcher. Everything's all good. There's no reason I can't go out to the bar with my police buddies and have a beer or two. Come on, you know. I am not that bad."
And for a little while, after Dad left, things were pretty smooth. The rest of that night shift, I was really on edge, yet there weren't any more really stupid things that happened immediately. And yet, what ended up happening -- Actually, I fast forward a little bit.
I stayed sober for a little while after my dad left. I had a sense that I needed to stay sober or things were going to get really bad. I fast forward to the next time.
So, I stayed sober after my dad left and I was talking with the dispatcher.
Things were going really well. So well that one day we were talking on the phone, she had been saying she liked this song, "Birthday Sex," and I had cried over that one night because I wanted to have sex with her, and who was she having sex with?
I ended up talking to her on the phone the next day and she told me,
"Jerry, I'm not going to fuck you just to be your friend."
Wow.
Could the message have been any more clear?
She wanted to be my girlfriend. She wanted to be exclusive with me and I was so messed up I couldn't see that even though that's all I thought I wanted.
All I thought I wanted was a beautiful girlfriend and for her to be it. She was perfect. I loved her and she was the best. All I wanted was for her to be my girlfriend, and yet, when she said that, a very clear signal, I said,
"That's fine. We can just be friends."
What?
What the fuck kind of dumb shit is that?
I can't believe I said that shit. What is wrong with the guy I was?
The guy I was then, was so fucking clueless, but thank God, we have gotten through that. Maybe it was great that I didn't say yes because given what had already happened, I don't know, we might have murdered each other if we would have actually been boyfriend and girlfriend.
I'm grateful now that I did not say that I would be her boyfriend and yet, at the same time, it was just an example of utter stupidity. That day, what was going on, there was an event that I was working that she was going to.
What was the event?
It was a comedy show, and she wanted to go with me, but I was working and I wouldn't get off work to go with her, and then she had said, "Okay, well, I'll take my friend," the friend that she had seen the night that we had sex.
She said, "Okay, I'll take him and we can go together then and I'll see you there while you're working."
Then, I saw her there while I was working. For some reason, there was this other girl. I don't remember where I met her if I had met her before.
There was this other girl there who was all over me that ended up asking me to go in the bathroom and have sex with her while I was in my uniform.
I did think about it. I thought about going into the bathroom and having sex with this girl. I don't know who this girl was. I don't remember how I
even met her. I might have seen her at the bar one night, or I might have seen her at work one day.
She was drunk and she asked me to come in the bathroom and have sex with her while I was working.
I said, "No, no."
Then, I ran into the dispatcher and the guy she was with, and she just kind of blew past me really quick. I guess if she had wanted to be with me and she was with this other guy, and here I was working, it was pretty awkward for everyone.
So she just kind of walked by really quick and said hi. This event was at the new basketball arena and it was packed, so there was lots of stuff to do as well and I remember talking to her that night and feeling just really dumb that I hadn't gone with her because I could have got someone else to work the overtime assignment.
My friend really wanted to work that overtime assignment because you were getting time and a half to work a comedy event. It was absolutely ideal if you wanted to make some extra money. A fun thing to do and he easily said he wanted to work the event. I easily could have given him the event and went with her instead.
But no, I didn't.
So, what I did instead, I talked to her that night on the phone.
I said, "Look, I'd really like to do something with you. We are both off next Monday and Tuesday."
This was right when we switched to day shift.
It has been a long month I've been telling this story over.
You may think, "Damn. Yeah, this is a 10-minute story you have told in an hour and 20 minutes now."
I think it's really good, but it's horrible. I hope maybe it is useful for you.
So, we ended up talking and deciding that we were going to go on this weekend trip together out of town.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.