My biggest struggle in dating over the last year, since I got divorced, has been that almost any kind of enthusiasm I show seems to immediately turn into the woman interpreting me as desperate, and then just not responding, ghosting, immediately losing interest. I don't understand what's happening. I've had some women that I've been interested in, and they seem to be very interested in me, until I said, "I like you. I would like to go out with you again." Instantaneously finished. Or, "That sounds like fun. I'd love to meet up and go swimming. When are you available?" Ghosted. I'm like, what? What is happening?
The opposite approach keeps working on me
But then there's the opposite approach. I just had a woman message me today. I went out with her several weeks ago. I was enthusiastic for the first week. I texted her every day. I mean, this woman's in her early 20s. I texted her every day, and I had met her in person originally. And she was very enthusiastic the first couple of days. Her enthusiasm started to drop the last couple of days. And then when we actually met up to go to the beach, she seemed totally uninterested in me. She tried to look as ugly as possible with her clothing, just a baggy t-shirt, baggy shorts. The other times I'd seen her, she'd been looking very good, tight shorts, trying to look attractive. I'm like, what happened?
So then I got totally uninterested after that. I'm like, ew, what was this? Why did you act like that? So I give up on her. And immediately after the date, she then starts enthusiastically texting me. I'm like, this is ridiculous. It's like she can feel I don't care and I'm not interested anymore, and now she's more interested. So I invited her to do one more thing. She didn't respond. So I'm like, whatever, this is done. Weeks go by. She texts me out of the blue all of a sudden today. I'm like, you've got to be kidding.
Why do people think, oh, if this guy's apathetic, he doesn't have time for me, he's avoiding me? Why was my enthusiasm off-putting, and then me being apathetic and avoidant, why does that get her to reach out again? Maybe you could argue, well, something else was going on in her life that disrupted how she was experiencing me. You could say something like that. But at the same time, I've noticed this experience across all the dates I've been on.
For example, this woman said that she didn't find me physically attractive. Well, is that because I told her I found her attractive and that I would love to see her again? I can't separate the two of those in my mind. In my experience, if I act more apathetic and less interested, there's a significant chance that she feels differently.
The manosphere, and why enthusiasm feels like it's being punished
I've been watching all these videos from the manosphere talking about how to get women to really be attracted to you. And I'm a very enthusiastic guy. So I am just frustrated, because it seems like any enthusiasm I'm having is getting punished. But maybe it's just not been the right woman.
I've known this one woman a couple of weeks, and I had some time to talk to her last night. And she said it seems to be the same problem for women. That as soon as they show a little bit of enthusiasm, men will perform for them. But men, from her experience, don't generally have any intention or ability to follow through on their performance. They'll try and mirror back the woman's enthusiasm and say whatever they think she wants to hear. They'll act. And then as soon as they get a conversion, a sale, then they're out. And I'm like, that's awful. So what she's describing is that her enthusiasm has been used against her to get her to put out. And then my enthusiasm has been interpreted as I'm a loser, I'm desperate. And then there are women that come back and are messaging me again. And then it happened again.
The dance-floor woman who only wanted me once I ignored her
I had the same kind of thing happen a few months ago. This woman, I met her, I was very interested in her, communicated that. She immediately makes it clear she's not interested in me, even though she was originally trying to attract me, to notice her on the dance floor. And then I guess I was too enthusiastic, because she immediately puts the fire out. So I don't message her for two months, because I'm like, well, I'm not wasting my time there. Next time I see her, she is very interested and all excited to see me. I didn't even notice her, which was kind of funny. And then she's texting me after that. And as soon as I get a little bit enthusiastic, ghost town. I'm like, this is so insane right now. I don't even understand why people are behaving like this.
Why is enthusiasm the problem? Because I've been talking to people and they're saying, well, you're coming off as needy or desperate. Like, no, I'm coming off as I'm alive, that I'm honest. And people are like, you can't be that way. I'm like, you mean I can't be honest and enthusiastic? Really? Because that works well for my work.
Why enthusiasm works on YouTube but seems to fail in dating
I've gotten hundreds of thousands of YouTube views from scratch creating six channels. I've got millions and millions of impressions. My videos are all over YouTube, because my enthusiasm does work when I'm talking in most circumstances. But why in dating do I not even understand what's going on?
It seems like on some level that a lot of us have somehow been trained. It wasn't like this 15 years ago when I was dating my ex. It wasn't like this at all. I'd let a girl know I liked her, she'd let me know that she liked me, and we'd get together. I don't remember all these games about trying to act apathetic, and don't text back, and wait a long time to text. Like, what? This is crazy. There must be some of these more recent manipulations. But I just hope I can communicate that apathy is not attractive to me. If this whole pattern resonates with you, I share a lot more of these dating reflections in my dating videos on YouTube.
The woman who was way too enthusiastic
I've only had a couple of women that have been enthusiastic about me. This one woman was way too enthusiastic about me. And of course I was not interested in her, because I didn't find her that attractive, but especially not her personality. Her body was okay, but her personality was like, oh. And she went nuts over me, texting me all day, wanting to come over any time, even though she had to drive like an hour. I'm like, this is so ridiculous. It's as if my apathy, like I wouldn't respond to a text for like six hours, and she just sent another one, because I had to tell her multiple times to stop. Stop. I'm not just being apathetic. I'm not trying to get you to chase me. I do not want to see you again, because I felt bad after she left my place. It's just not a good connection for me.
And then I'm like, why? Maybe I just need to keep trying. Maybe at some point my enthusiasm will be mirrored, and maybe it's just because I haven't found the right person. The advantage of my enthusiasm is that people who are easily scared off, the women who for some reason want this avoidant man, usually aren't wasting much of my time, because I'm not going to pretend that I'm apathetic.
This process is tempting me to stop caring
And yet the crazy thing is, I swear, the more I go through this process, the more it is making me want to not care at all. But you can't have two people who don't care at all get together very easily. One person has to at least care. And it seems that it's not even clear who that should be these days. Should the woman chase and the woman be the one that's interested? Should the man? I mean, I've seriously thought about being gay a few times in the last couple of weeks. I'm like, at least being gay, I know there are issues, there are challenges there, but probably the same kind of stuff happens being gay. But at least, statistically, you're probably getting a lot more action, just men dealing with men. I've seriously thought about that sometimes, like, whatever's going on right now, the dynamics between men and women is crazy.
So I hope this is helpful. It's not just you. If you want to keep building a life where dating is one piece of a much bigger picture, I'd love for you to join the Jerry Banfield Family and walk through this stuff together.
The "high status man" who still can't crack this
I mean, I'm a high status man, according to myself. I've got over a billion views online as a YouTuber. I've made lots of money in my life. I'm lean, and in my experience I'm in fantastic health and shape. I've already proven I can have kids. So according to some, I would be quite a catch. Maybe I just haven't been in front of the right audience.
Maybe this woman I've known for a couple of weeks, the one I talked to last night, maybe she's it. She actually sent a whole bunch of emojis on her messages. And you know what? That makes me like her more, her enthusiasm texting me back. But then look at my messages. I sent her a couple-of-sentence message. She sends me a paragraph text back. I react and send a couple of sentences. She says, thank you. I ask if she wanted me to pick her up. She's like, oh, thanks, I'll just drive myself. So I don't respond, because I'm like, maybe... I asked her if she's going to this event tonight. And I'm like, if I respond, this starts to sound desperate, doesn't it? There it goes. Now I can't even tell when I'm acting honestly, or when I'm trying to be apathetic. So I'm not desperate, and then I'm curbing my enthusiasm. This is such... oh my God, this is so crazy.
Why people settle, and why I'll persist anyway
I see why people stay in bad relationships. Because they don't want to deal with all of this again. Being single has some advantages. Being in a great relationship is the best. But dealing with all this stuff single just makes you... I can see how people settle. But I will persist.
If you identified with this, I would love to hear it. I'm here to help you build a life that doesn't demand you escape it, a life with strong relationships, money, and health at the forefront of technology like YouTube, AI, and crypto. That's everything I've got to offer in one place, the Jerry Banfield Family, where you can message me directly, get on calls, and decide together how we build all of this. If you watched and read all the way here, I'd love to see you in there.