This is an excerpt from my memoir, Officer Banfield — the honest story of my years as a corrections and police officer, hitting bottom in alcoholism, and the long road to recovery.
The way he told it, is that she left the cash for him because she felt bad.
Now, I don't know whether she intended to leave the money for him or maybe she even got the money back out and put it on the couch or something.
I don't know.
The way he told it, he got all his money back and a free hookup.
I said, "Man, I need to take some notes, bro. Good lord. I dropped
$1,000 the first time and got nothing, then the next time I dropped another thousand, and then messed it up when the stripper came over to my apartment. I need to take some notes bro."
This was right before they asked me to quit at USCPD too. I loved hearing that story from him.
I said, "Man, that's how you do it right there. Just have the stripper spill a drink on you and feel bad, and you get the hookup and your money back."
I don't even know if he covered that shit up either, but I guess that's up to him really. I know how I did it.
Are there any more stories?
There were so many stories at USCPD.
Oh, here's another good one.
Alright, so I was working an overtime event at the football stadium. Man, I always had some shit going on. This was right when the dispatcher was
getting going.
So, I was talking to the dispatcher, I was trying to get a date with her, but she was still hung up on the other USCPD officer at this point.
I was talking to her and there was this girl that was putting out this real
"slut vibe," but that's not how I would put it today.
I would put it out today that she was putting out an invitation to connect. How about that?
She was really flirtatious, really just wide open. She just wanted to talk to me like, you know, "Here's my phone number. Call me up tonight. We'll hook up tonight."
I was working and I was in uniform at an overtime event. This was one of the girls who was working there serving the event, which was some kind of dinner I think or something.
She was like a waitress at this dinner and I was going around talking to all these people.
She gave me her phone number.
I was imagining, "Boy, this can be a good night."
Meanwhile, my friends said, "Yeah, man. We're going to all come over to your place and we are having a party."
So, I was so pumped.
This was a night shift overtime event. I woke up something like five o'clock. No, earlier, maybe like three.
I worked this overtime event for like four hours, and I came home at like
10 o'clock.
This was making me thirsty just retelling it and I'm grateful to be sober too.
I went home. I got the liquor out. I was so excited.
I said, "Oh, my God. I have so many opportunities lined up. This waitress wants to hook up with me, my friends are coming over tonight, the dispatcher might be available."
I was like so pumped.
I got my strawberry Smirnoff, a 70-proof vodka out, mixed it up with some diet Dr. Thunder.
I said, "All right. Let's do this."
I was playing some "Call of Duty World at War."
I said, "All right. I'll just play some video games until everyone comes over."
And the clock kept fucking ticking. Eleven o'clock.
Twelve o'clock.
One o'clock.
Two o'clock.
I said, "What the fuck? No one's coming over."
I called the girl up, she was not answering.
My friends are not answering either. The dispatcher was not answering.
I said, "What the fuck? This was supposed to be such a fun night and I'm sitting here drinking by myself. This is total bullshit."
So I continued to drink. Three o'clock.
Four o'clock.
I said, "Motherfucker."
My friends ended up folding.
They said, "We got tired and went home."
I said, "Motherfucker. I hate all of you assholes."
The girl, I must have called her three or four times. She never answered although she did try to hook up with me a little while later. I think she got drunk and was trying to have sex with me in a bathroom while I was working in another overtime event and the dispatcher was there.
This shit was just crazy. All right. One thing at a time.
So the dispatcher all of a sudden said, "Hey, I'm going out to the bar. Do you want to meet me out there?"
It was some shit bar that was right next to campus, apparently where the one lieutenant ended up having to quit over the stuff that went down there. There was this shit bar and she said, "Yeah. Meet me at it."
"Okay, I'm heading over there now."
I guess her phone died or some bullshit. I went over to the parking lot. I was drunk. I had been drinking six or seven hours by this point, at least two shots an hour.
I was drunk, but it was really close.
I said, "Okay. It's like a mile away. No big deal."
I drove over there and the bar was closed.
I said, "What the fuck? Bitch the bar is closed."
And, of course, the dispatcher was not answering the phone at all.
I don't know if it was the next day or something, I think we had just been out on our first date a little while before this.
Then, I was in this parking lot, no one was fucking answering. I was feeling like such a loser. It was 5:30 in the morning, the bar I just went to was closed and I went to bed feeling like a total sack of shit.
I woke up the next day and I talked to the dispatcher on the phone, and she said, "Oh, yeah. Well, that bar was closed and my phone died. So we went over to this other bar."
It was some shittier bar in Cayce and she said, "Yeah, and I guess I was dancing. I got this guy's number and he's trying to talk to me."
I thought, "Oh, my God. I just want to get with you already."
I hadn't hooked up with her yet, but this was right before the hookup. I felt like, "Oh, my God. This is so stupid right now."
I really wanted to hang out with her, but she had all these guys trying to
hang out with her.
So, that was another just lame night out trying to go to the bar by myself and not being even able to meet up with her, but shortly after that, she did end up coming over.
A little while after I hooked up with her, I saw the girl again from the overtime event, the waitress, except this time she was absolutely hammered.
She recognized me just walking around. It was a Dane Cook show, or something like that. The dispatcher had wanted to go with me, but I declined, I said, "No. I got overtime. I can't go with you."
So instead, she went with one of her guy friends and I was realizing,
"Wow, I easily could have got out of that and went with her."
She was with one of her guy friends.
So this drunk girl was trying to have sex with me there and the dispatcher was here with one of her guy friends, they came by and said Hi, and it was all awkward.
This girl was all over me, she stopped by several times and was trying to have sex with me.
She said, "Look, just come in the bathroom really quick.
Come on."
I said, "I'm in uniform. I'm working right now."
The bathrooms were packed. It was not the Coliseum, it was the new basketball arena, though.
It is like 10 or 12 years old now, but it was new at the time.
I said, "These bathrooms have got to be packed. There's got to be 20 or 30 women and girls in there at the same time. How am I going to walk into the women's bathroom in full uniform and do that discreetly?"
She just could not understand that.
I said, "Look, let's just hook up after the show."
I called her up after the show, and it was like she forgot about that shit. I said, "Hey?"
She said, "Oh, what's up?"
I don't know if she was in a blackout or what happened, but it was like she totally forgot about that shit.
I bet she was in a blackout because she was sloppy at the time I saw her. I don't even think she hardly remembered me when I called her up after the show was over.
Thank God I didn't do that, because that would have been a whole other level of stupid, trying to have me have sex with her in a bathroom. This was a girl I had only seen once before this at another overtime event.
I remember I had a friend in college who said he had a guy who would just hook up with girls anywhere, like at a football game he would get into a porta potty and have sex with a girl.
Here I was in the middle.
I said, "This is how this stuff happens. People just hook up in bathrooms.
This shit is disgusting. Not that I'm one to not know about disgusting, but you know what I'm saying. Like people just hook up in bathrooms. This shit is crazy. I can't do that in uniform."
Right after that the dispatcher and I had our final little trip together. All right.
Have I got to all the stories?
I want to make sure you get all the good stories out because we got a bunch of crazy stories from going all out at USCPD, just lots of crazy trips to the bar and the strip club.
I think I've told you most of the good ones by now. Are there any more of these stories?
I'm forgetting.
"Jerry, you should just edit this shit. This is terrible. I'm tired of the realness of this book. God! Edit the fucking book, man."
I think it's more fun to have the truth, to hear it in a natural way someone would talk.
Editing gets boring sometimes.
Can you imagine if I edited this book?
I would have just edited this whole section.
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