Ace Dad Advice — a viewpoint that's genuinely different
Ace Dad Advice is for asexual individuals, and this is a viewpoint that is significantly different than a lot of the other viewpoints I looked at, which is exactly why it's valuable. The piece from the workshop archive is about negotiating intimacy while ace — for yourself or with a partner — using structured communication goals to negotiate those boundaries. I found that idea interesting. Being single again, there's a lot I just need to get to know about myself. What kind of man am I? I am not the man that wants to go hunt women anymore. I'm the man that wants to be around women in a natural, comfortable environment, and when a woman signals me that she's interested in my attention and my interaction, then I'll approach her from there.
The concept I really liked was taking the temperature and requiring both partners to suggest a path toward the middle — the rejection of just yes or no. Because if one partner's a 10 and the other's a five, instead of one saying yes and one saying no and disagreeing, it's, okay, you're a five on this and I'm a 10, that averages out to something like 15, let's go do it. Whereas if you're both a five and one might say yes and one might say no, that's a lot different. So I love the Ace Dad Advice idea of taking the temperature. If you're asexual or on the asexual spectrum, or if you're just recovering from trauma or working through boundaries, this may be a video that's really worth watching for you.
They also suggested having a partner fill out a sexual inventory list together once the relationship gets serious. That could be a bit much, and it's hard for me to picture doing it — but at the same time, it's a new idea, and I treasure getting new ideas. I treasure it. An intimacy menu for every couple? I certainly think it could help. Laying out here's what I like, here's what I don't like — I love that level of communication for sure. That was creator 12, and I was already an hour and 17 minutes in. Let's go.
Coffee with Carrie — long-distance romance traps and dating after 50
Number 13 is Coffee with Carrie on long-distance romance traps. I've personally never done a long-distance relationship, but I wanted to make sure I included a long-distance video so we could look at it, especially because if you're over 50 it can be harder to find someone who's just right for you, and people get more and more set in their ways. You may need to date longer distance to get started. The distinction she draws between building a relationship — which has a timeline and is going somewhere — versus just building a routine is very valuable. You don't want to be stagnant. A lot of my last relationship got to be more of a routine, whereas the timeline and the future of the relationship kept becoming more questionable. So if you're considering a long-distance relationship, this is a great video to watch.
At the same time, she has a blanket rule to meet an online connection within a week or delete them. I actually vibe with this a lot. If you already have a full life and you can't find anybody to date within 100 miles — and the older you get, the harder it can be to find someone who's right for you — and you already have grandkids, jobs, and caregiving, then yes, trying to meet someone within a week is a very good idea. When I was on Hinge, I unmatched a woman who kept messaging me over and over throughout a week with no seeming intent or time to meet up. Her nervous system seemed to get continually more agitated and confrontational toward me, so I unmatched her. I'd told her from the very beginning that I want to meet up early so I know you're a real person, and so I can vet you and make sure I'm not putting all this time and energy into a conversation that's not going anywhere.
The bigger discussion here is living apart — the future of dating after 50. A lot of the people I've talked to who are dating after 50 do want to live apart. One guy told me, I love to date, but I do not want to live with a woman again; it's so nice when I have my place and she has her place. That is valid. I'm enjoying living by myself, too. At the same time, at 42, I definitely want a woman to move in, to have kids, and to have a family again.
Blaine Anderson — package your stability, reliability, and life experience
Blaine Anderson — I've watched a number of her videos on different podcasts. Her core thesis, at least in this one with Paige Gallagher, is how to package yourself: financial insecurity and past relationship chaos can be overcome by packaging your stability, paternal reliability, and life experience. Exactly. This is speaking directly to me. I have the paternal reliability. If you're a woman who wants children, I've got that locked down. I'm there for my kids, even divorced. I set my whole life up around that — instead of moving out of Florida to Michigan to be near my family, which might have been better for me personally, I moved five minutes away from my ex so I could consistently be in my kids' lives. I'm an extremely reliable father who's sober and who's always there when I say I'm going to be there. And I have a lot of life experience.
I think the perfect woman to date me would be a woman in her 20s or 30s whose offering is complimentary to mine. I have life experience, I have reliability, and I've learned a lot from my past relationships. So what I want is playfulness, enthusiasm, fun, family, high energy — a woman that's complimentary. I've struggled a bit with hoping she likes me and doesn't judge my finances. I've definitely had a woman or two say no to a second date because I'm open enough that I put out a video saying my net worth is negative 200,000, even though I've been a millionaire multiple times in net worth. Then, getting divorced, I gave my wife — now ex — a very generous settlement. Almost all of my friends criticized me for giving my ex exactly what she asked for with no argument, no debate, just a little questioning. She's an attorney, so I just let her have whatever she wanted. And I've been getting myself back on my feet financially after redoing my work in line with what will actually work for me being single.
For me, Blaine's message really lands as confidence in your current reality. I have a fantastic offer for a woman, for my queen, and I don't need to worry about anybody else. Her videos have really spoken to me as a divorced man and a single father. I'm sober 12 years, so not newly sober, but I am learning for the first time how to date without alcohol, because I met my ex when I was drinking and I felt insecure about my income. I've gotten over a billion views online, but I deleted everything last year in the context of the ex, the divorce, and restarting my life.
It's funny she suggested moving to Austin, Texas to find a better dating pool. I've thought I'd like to move somewhere to find a better pool than where I'm at — but I'm going to be there for my kids. I'm not just going to move somewhere to find a higher-quality woman and leave my kids behind. So the question she raises is: do mature singles actually want a millionaire playboy? I know a very attractive woman I have great chemistry with, and I'd love to date her, but she's looking for a millionaire even though she wants to be successful and make good money in her own career. From my point of view, why? It seems unnecessary. It seems like that's a criteria she's putting on that's actually inhibiting her ability to select the right man. I really appreciate Blaine's coaching — I relate a lot, being divorced and sober. This is why it's helpful to get a really broad view of all the different creators out there. Blaine Anderson is very specific for someone like me, whereas a lot of the other creators, especially the ones we're about to go through, won't match me as well.
Alicia Payne — dating someone taken, and the polyamory conversation
Alicia Payne covers dating someone who's taken — the polyamory conversation. I know there are a lot of polyamorous people out there, and I wanted to make sure I included a polyamory video, so this one is about dating a partnered person. Personally, I prefer monogamy myself; the complexity of dating and polyamory is not something I'm interested in right now. I've consistently seen people — women especially — dating a man who already has a partner, and generally that does not go well. From my analysis, they would have been better off continuing to look instead of settling for someone who's already in a relationship where you're the side piece. That said, I know a guy who's the side piece right now, and he seems happy enough — this woman has him on the side and her husband doesn't even know about it. So I don't know. I personally am for the simplicity of monogamy.
But you can learn a lot from polyamory, because things like communication and managing emotions can go up to a whole other level compared to monogamy. There's a big difference between actively choosing a limited dynamic — dating a partnered person as a solo polyamorous person by design — versus tolerating a limited dynamic because you really love the person. What I usually see is people tolerating the limited dynamic because they really love the person. If you're single and exploring polyamory, this is where you really need to take inventory: are you honestly polyamorous? I know a woman who said she wants five kids, and she wants a husband, and she also wants a side man. I'm like, that's interesting — why would you want a side man? Maybe she pictures that one man can't fully satisfy her. I don't know. What's beautiful is that there are so many different types of people and different types of desires, and this video really helps you tap into that.
Now, the advice to actively pursue other partners just to balance the scales of a partner dynamic — that, to me, sounds exhausting. What I love about being in a relationship is that I don't have to date, because dating takes up a significant amount of my bandwidth and my energy. I'm learning to like my work, having a house to myself in a nice neighborhood, and starting YouTube from scratch after deleting everything last year. What I need to do right now is focus on money, and at this point dating is a secondary thing for me. And I'm loving all of you who have joined my Skool community — that means so much. If you want to be part of this, come join the Jerry Banfield Family; it's one of the best ways to walk this whole journey alongside me.
Dating Can Sabotage the Rest of Your Life
I've got a ton of value to offer, and it's important that I get my business right and make enough money to pay for my lifestyle and everything in the next six months. Dating is a secondary consideration for me right now. When you put too much time into dating, it can sabotage the rest of your life. In my experience, putting too much time into dating has led to sabotaging some of my work. This kind of video, the amount of time and research I need to do it, is only possible because I have not been out on a date with any woman in the last week, and I don't currently have any dates lined up either.
I'll be honest about it: I did not respond to a woman I'd had a few dates with when she asked, "Hey, how are you? How's your week going?" I'm busy. I'm doing my work. I don't have time. If she had just said, "Hey, I want to come over now," that might have been different. Or if she'd reached out and said something more interesting instead of a generic "how are you" question. I have stuff to do.
The thought I keep coming back to is this: does polyamory pressure you to be a drama-free "cool girl" secondary partner? I don't think that's ideal, but everyone has different situations that can work and that you can love and enjoy. Pressure makes people shrink and tolerate loneliness. Sometimes dating and polyamory can make it easier not to be too needy and overly invested. But most of the time, what I've seen is absolute messes in polyamory. That said, I did ask my ex to have an open relationship and she said no, so what do I know.
Gay Men Going Deeper
Creator 24 is Gay Men Going Deeper. Such a great name. I absolutely love that. The episode is "I don't need anyone: why gay men struggle to let someone in." I wouldn't normally watch a gay dating video, but in the course of doing this research it's been really valuable to expand my perspective. I've seen this in myself, I see it with women, and it's the same with gay men. Many gay men overshoot healthy independence into fear-driven hyper-independence to protect themselves from vulnerability, but true relationship success requires learning to tolerate the middle ground of interdependence. Absolutely.
The best piece of advice: you don't lose yourself by needing someone; you lose yourself by having no boundaries. It reframes intimacy for highly independent people. Exactly. I would say this isn't just for gay men, but for anyone who feels they're successful and independent, who struggles to maintain relationships, feels suffocated by intimacy, or is currently dating an avoidantly attached partner. Definitely check out Gay Men Going Deeper. Such a great name.
Now, telling highly anxious or avoidant people to just train your nervous system to tolerate things that make you uncomfortable can be a bit of an oversimplification. At the same time, I don't want to be with a woman who's all hyper-boundaries, where her nervous system can never get a little uncomfortable. That dynamic got really annoying with my ex: boundary, boundary, boundary, boundary. No, don't want to do anything. You're going to have to find another woman, which now I'm doing. So, is hyper-independence something we celebrate that's actually blocking love? I think it is. The lone wolf syndrome really resonates with me, because I'm making videos at home at my house, I prefer to make videos by myself, and I've been at home all day. I haven't gone out yet, but I think I'm going out for yoga later as long as the weather holds. This is the deepest dating information I hope you'll find on YouTube, and if there's something deeper for Jerry going deeper, let me know where I can find that.
Gina Rule — Dating With a Disability
Gina Rule. This is actually a translated, dubbed video. I wanted to get a dating-with-a-disability perspective in here. It's natively in German, and I do speak German, though I've forgotten a lot of the German I used to speak when I was fluent living in Germany. There were two women in this, both blonde and disabled, dating with a disability. This is why it's important to get this perspective. A successful dating life with a physical disability heavily depends on profound self-acceptance, using humor to diffuse awkwardness — which I love doing already, and I've been censoring some of that when going out with women, so I'm going to do a lot more of it because I like doing it normally — and a demand to be loved for who you are rather than being pitied or fetishized.
The realization is that putting yourself in a friend zone or viewing yourself as unlovable becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Exactly. This is for anyone navigating a disability, illness, or severe body image issues. This is the subtitled, translated title, so note that the original title is in German if you go looking for it. Now, the suggestion to handle rejection by immediately reducing a critical person to their own physical flaws is an understandable response, but ultimately a bit defensive. The question the video asks is: does dating force disabled people into either being pitied, being a burden, or being fetishized? I went out with one woman who had a bit of a disability, and I certainly would have seen her again. The disability wasn't a big factor, but there just wasn't much — I hate to say it — chemistry. She was pretty muted. There wasn't much fun going out with her; it was kind of a boring date. But from what I just said, she might actually have been more compatible than a lot of the others.
Tamsyn Fadal — Dating in Midlife After Divorce
Tamsyn Fadal does questions and answers like "Do Ira and I ever fight?" and "Do I have work done?" She talks about navigating relationships and dating in midlife: it requires extreme self-honesty, shedding social timelines, and treating post-divorce dating as a low-pressure way to socialize. Whoa, boy, have I not done that — but I am looking at it now. I'm grateful that dating is a way I can consistently socialize and meet new people. I like the advice to explicitly tell your friends and acquaintances that you want to date. If you're divorced, this is definitely the right thing.
There's a binary comparison of dating apps versus matchmakers. I like matchmaking. It's been a much better experience for me than dating apps. Dating apps took so much time and energy, whereas I paid for matchmaking, and I have a Talkify video about that experience. Matchmaking has been a much better experience for me than dating apps. I talked to my matchmaker earlier, and it's so much nicer to work with a matchmaker and not deal with the dating app.
Can taking years off work? I personally don't recommend taking years off of dating. My ex jumped back into a relationship faster than I did. Even though I put more effort into dating and meeting women, she got into a relationship with the first guy she went out with online. I have known some men and women who've taken years off of dating, and that has helped them. Rushing back onto the dating apps was definitely a bad idea for me, but the matchmaking felt better, and being in community has felt the best of all. That community is something I've built for people who want real connection and support, and I'd love for you to be a part of the Jerry Banfield Family.
Susan Winter — Why Older Women Choose Younger Men
Susan Winter's video is "Why older women are choosing younger men." Interesting video. I think it's ideal for older women to choose younger men, for men to choose younger women — everybody should date everybody. I've considered it; I went out with a woman who was 57. I considered it, but I want more kids, so that's not going to work for me now. But that can absolutely work, especially if you don't want kids. I have a family member who's dating a man 18 years younger than her, and that seemed to be going pretty well.
The thesis of the video is that there are financially independent and empowered older women who are increasingly choosing intelligent, progressive younger men based on a self-expansion model. I really like that. This is why you watch these kinds of videos — oh, that's cool, there are older women consciously trying to choose younger men. I think that's great. I love that older women do not need to feel alone or broken or constantly defend their choice. Go after a younger man. If you want it, go for it. This is worth watching if you identify as an older woman, if you're dating or partnered with a younger man, or if you love the idea of it. I know a woman in her 60s who'd do great dating a man who's 30, 40, or 50, based on what she wants and the energy she has to offer. I think she'd really like dating younger men.
Obviously this involves a lot of generational generalizations. Is this really about emotional growth, or is it a new label for old attraction? I don't really care. I think it's better the more people get together, have sex, have a great time, and have a great relationship — humanity is going to do better for it.
The Gay Dating Coach — Shoot Your Shot Wednesdays
Number 42, The Gay Dating Coach. Another great name. This is an LGBTQ+ dating show, "Shoot Your Shot Wednesdays," with The Gay Dating Coach. I like the thesis that taking proactive action and demanding reciprocal effort are the keys to finding a compatible match. I think that's essential in the straight dating community as well. Now, I will take proactive action if there's a signal. I don't feel it's respectful to try to take proactive action with a woman where there's been no signal. So I like the advice on mutual effort. I'm very happy to do mutual effort, but I believe the woman should lead with her desire — express that there's a desire to connect with me, a desire to show up. Then I'm very reciprocal. If the woman's not showing a desire for me to be part of her life, though, it's not up to me to try to make her feel something.
This is worthwhile. I think it's worth watching for just about anybody. Yes, it has a very specific focus on gay dating, but I think it's very applicable for just about anybody. And yes, dating apps — the problem with dating apps is you often get punished for making a basic effort. You get punished for messaging and getting excited and then just getting ghosted over and over and over again.
Why I wait for her to reach out
Dating apps have made it so that just sending a text message to me feels like, no thanks. I see no reason and no signal that this girl is interested in receiving a text from me today, and I absolutely hate the emotion that comes with that when it isn't reciprocated. My belief is this: if you feel safe, if you feel emotionally ready, and if you desire an interaction with me, then you reach out. That way I can just be ready, and I can have emotional availability when a woman actually expresses that desire.
Number 45 — Gay and bisexual men's dating coach
Number 45 is a gay and bisexual men's dating coach, with a video called "Breaking the cycle: how to stop choosing the wrong men." It's funny, because you could swap women in for this and it would be just as true. Consistently falling for the bad boy is not a pursuit of excitement, and it happens in the gay community too. You'd think there'd be somewhere things operated significantly differently, but the same story shows up everywhere.
I agree with the core of it. I remember deciding to be more of a bad boy to attract women, and it did work. It attracted my ex, and it attracted a number of women before her. But then you can't keep acting like a bad boy for the whole relationship, because that's inauthentic. And the idea that finding a healthy partner feels "boring" is actually a trauma response. It is.
This is the same basic story as several other videos, just told through a gay and bisexual men's frame instead of a heterosexual one. The same thing that traps gay and bisexual men in toxic loops traps straight men too. The advice here is heavy on why people date bad boys, but slightly thin on how to stop doing it in the moment. What I'd add is that you need to learn to tell the difference between two feelings. There's a feeling of excitement and arousal, which people unfortunately mistake for the romantic spark, and there's a feeling of safety and satisfaction. For me, dating women who feel emotional safety with me is much more of a sign of a healthy relationship. I'm leaning into wanting a woman who loves my sense of humor, because that aligns with things like health and wellness, someone who's supportive of my career, or honestly someone who can make all the money so I can just do this on YouTube for fun.
So I personally am doing pretty well at not being addicted to red flags, but I see a lot of you struggling with red flags you're actually addicted to. I've been kind of judgmental about it. I'd think, why can't you all, men and women, just stop being addicted to these toxic people? I was even a little proud of myself over one woman with all kinds of red flags. Everybody who talked to her said do not date her, so many red flags, and I finally landed on, all right, I'm not going to continue this. It's such a balance between putting in that mutual effort versus recognizing, look, this is not going to work, we're too far out of alignment.
Chavon — dating as a bisexual neurodivergent woman
Chavon's video is "Dating as a bi neurodivergent was suffering." I made sure to get some diverse points of view in here. Her thesis is that dating as a bisexual neurodivergent woman in a modern dating world that prioritizes convenience is exhausting, and requires radical upfront honesty. That's exactly what I've been finding is important for me: radical upfront honesty and self-acceptance. It's awful to not get a second date when you don't feel like you were radically honest to start with. If I'd been radically honest right up front on some of these dates, I might have actually gotten a second one. But sometimes, by not being radically honest, you're also killing the romantic spark.
So stop trying to control and mold incompatible people. At the same time, I was just talking with my matchmaker, and a woman who is more interested in being molded and flexible might actually partner better with me. Chavon speaks to the neurodivergent, bisexual overthinker who feels too intense or misunderstood, and I identify with several of those, so it resonates a lot. One caution, though: do not dump mental health diagnoses on people unless you're a professional. Don't go around labeling everyone with these terms when you haven't been formally educated in them. It's unfair, and you're uneducated when you do it.
Diana Fernandez — dating while trans
Diana Fernandez has a video called "Dating while trans, scary experience," and she's clear on her pronouns, so I'll use she. Her thesis is that trans women must aggressively disclose their trans identity upfront on dating apps. Absolutely, yes. And it paints a better general picture too: we all need radical honesty. You should be disclosing things that are important right up front. But a lot of us don't, because a lot of us are trying to sell instead of buy. If you're buying, you want to disclose the things that matter to your buying decision as soon as possible.
She gets at the difficulty of it. She deleted her dating apps, and then she doesn't leave the house. It's hard. She also claims she's the complete package, ready to get married now, and ironically she sounds a lot like me. I've literally been in the house all day, but I am going to get out later. Purely relying on fate while taking zero steps to meet people is an unrealistic dating strategy, and I know some people who fit right into that category. I'm taking massive action to meet people, and meanwhile people tell me at this point I probably need to relax and just let things happen. There's a certain amount of action to take, and once you've taken it, then you need to relax and let things happen. But just sitting at home without even using dating apps? That's going to be difficult.
I think a trans woman or trans man should disclose their identity immediately, so there's no confusion, and because not disclosing could turn into a dangerous situation. But the same principle applies to anything similar. I believe I need to disclose that I have kids immediately. A woman should never be under the illusion that I don't have kids. I have two kids, and that needs to be disclosed on the first date, because it's a big deal. If there's something unexpected that people can have significant reactions to, whether it's being trans, switching your pronouns, or having children, it should be disclosed immediately. Some women do not want to date a man who has kids, and some men do not want to date a woman who has kids. So my take is to disclose more rather than less, because so many of these themes keep hitting on radical honesty.
Number 57 — Lovers by Sean, featuring Ada Merriam-Davis
Lovers by Sean has a video, "Why normal sex doesn't work for many black and brown women," featuring Ada Merriam-Davis. The core thesis is that a fulfilling intimate sexual life requires divesting from Western capitalist scripts and intentionally designing relationships rooted in self-possession, community support, and cultural heritage. I absolutely agree with this, especially the self-possession and community support, and maybe the cultural heritage. I don't feel like I have much of a cultural heritage, and I'm a little envious of people who feel like they do.
The best advice here is to stop expecting one romantic partner to fulfill every single intimate and emotional need, which we've covered in previous videos. Now, Lovers by Sean does heavily go into dismissing statistics, and I wouldn't say your bad sex life is caused by capitalism, that's an oversimplification. But even though this one is number 57, it's really helpful to me. That's exactly why it's important to go through the depths, because even when something overall doesn't seem like it could be that useful, there's a piece in there, and I think I may be dealing with a significant part of this myself.
Nadia Bakodi — six years of lesbian dating advice
Nadia Bakodi has "Six years of lesbian dating advice in 12 minutes." She says regular dating advice fails queer women because it relies on a heteronormative script where men initiate and women remain passive. Now, this is exactly what I'm about: women should not remain passive. Women need to express some kind of subtle interest. If you're going to attract me or interest me, here's what I'd find genuinely romantic. Some woman finds my video, and has the femininity, the feminine desire, to talk to me so much that she'd join my Skool community and direct message me and say, hey, I watched your dating video, there are definitely some red flags, realistically, but I'd love to explore dating you. That would be so amazing. That would just make my day. I don't make a phone number or anything publicly available, because that would leave me open to being catfished. But if you're willing to pay to catfish me, then respect, you can have a shot, you make me laugh.
I agree with her wholeheartedly: to successfully date women, you have to stop being passive and actively create chemistry. And I think it's important that women who are heteronormative reciprocate and work to create chemistry too. Don't expect me to do everything. You lead with your desires, and I'll make the actions from there. Her advice to sit next to your date across the table, allowing a natural, casual touch, I love that. Exactly. That applies to me too.
Here's something funny about all this. I should let you know I've already made a Pinterest board for our wedding. It could be interpreted as too much, but I think it's funny. Yes, it's going to be a red flag to some, but it could be a green flag to others, and that's why you have to figure out what's authentic for you. I'm the kind of person who would make a joke like that, and I make all kinds of jokes, if anything crazy positive ones. So to me that's an endearing joke. I'd love it if I went out with a woman I was into and she said, I've already made a Pinterest board for our wedding. I'd say, oh, me too, and I've already planned the funeral.
Now, some straight dating scripts really do sabotage queer women, and you can see why a lot of the advice given to women would not work for queer women. If you're encouraging women to be more passive, you can't have two women both being passive.
Getting a diverse point of view
One thing I really wanted out of studying all these dating videos was the importance of getting a diverse point of view. Dating doesn't look the same for everyone, and I wanted to hear from people whose journey is nothing like mine.
Trans Crush, Lulu — my trans journey in dating
Lulu is a trans woman, and her channel is Trans Crush. Her core thesis here is that trans women must overcome the exhausting pressure to perform hyper-femininity for social validation, and stop settling for secret, emotionally immature relationships with men who drain their self-worth. No one should settle for a relationship with people who drain their self-worth. Absolutely.
She also says to find hobbies and passions apart from being trans, and that sounds like great advice. No matter what your identity is, you don't want all of your life to be set up around a single identity, whether it's being a dad, or trans, or gay, or a certain race, or a certain religion. You always want to build a life that isn't all set up on one thing. Because what happens when one of those things collapses? Like me — I had a lot of my life set up around being married, and then when the marriage collapsed, all these other things went with it. If part of your identity collapses, you can be in a really bad spot.
Now, some of her points are tougher to sit with. The expectation that a partner should never get comfortable in a relationship, that they must constantly maintain high excitement — that can be a bit difficult. And she asks: when does getting to know you become an exhausting demand to explain your existence? For me, I like to really get to know someone deeply. Absolutely. So I always want to get to know somebody deeper.
Christina, 50s — what women secretly love about dating men
Christina, who is in her 50s, made a video on what women secretly love about dating men. Her core thesis is that basic grooming, hygiene, cleanliness, and etiquette are non-negotiable traits. She gives some strategies, like managing your scent, and it makes sense if you're an older man.
Am I an older man? I don't really feel older. I'm dating women in their 20s and 30s as well as their 40s and 50s. But no more — I'm generally not going to date a woman outside of her 20s and 30s anymore, unless she's 40 or 41 and we have a high lifestyle alignment and we're so aligned that we're ready to have a family right away. That's unlikely, but I'm open to it. I want kids, more kids, more family.
The same thing I mentioned at the beginning about her inviting a man she met in traffic — I do love the adventure there, and that sounds so different from some of the other videos. At the same time, some older men I know are obsessed about ear hair and wrinkled shirts. Just relax. Just show up and take care of your energy and be fun.
Fariza Gulomakova — the reality of dating and marrying Muslim men
Creator 89 is Fariza Gulomakova, with a video on the reality of dating and marrying Muslim men. I wanted to get at least one video in discussing Muslim dating. She says Western Christian men should avoid dating Muslim men because the fundamental differences in religious views can be difficult.
I went on a date with a Muslim woman myself, and I certainly didn't find her that attractive physically — and I could only see her face and her hands, so I didn't get to see any of her physical attractiveness. Our personalities didn't leave me wanting to see her again. But I would absolutely date a Muslim woman; I'm just not very strongly Christian. Her experience, though, was that there was too much conflict.
Her advice is to maintain absolute financial independence, and I don't agree with that. You should work together. If one person can really make a lot of money, you shouldn't be sacrificing all your time and energy to make money when the other person is effective at doing that. I don't agree with the broad, fear-based generalizations she's put out here. Sure, it is a good idea not to ignore cultural red flags where you might not align — but at the same time, I would date a Muslim woman, absolutely.
KDOS — made-it-out lesbian dating
Here's a "made-it-out" lesbian dating creator, KDOS, talking about dating and lesbian relationships. The thesis here is that embracing the chaos of your dating history and personal lore is a valid part of finding yourself. And yes — you do have to stop going from messy dating and external validation to dating apps, and actually get a quality partnership at some point.
I absolutely agree with deleting dating apps. Dating apps suck and are sabotaging. At the same time, walking up to people and being super aggressive — maybe that makes sense when women are often passive, but ironically, coming from lesbian dating, this sounds a lot like some of the pickup artist dudes. I'm not big on boundary pushing. I've gotten some pretty negative reactions being pretty gentle and nice, so I certainly don't want anything more extreme than that.
What I'm really looking for
After all of this, here's where I land: I would love, love, love to date an equal. I almost never find a woman I think is dating higher, and almost every woman I go out with feels like she's dating down. I would love to date a woman who's an equal. I like to think I've got my act together so much in a lot of ways that I don't even know what dating up would look like now. I think I did date up when I met my ex, though — that was dating up for sure. I'm willing to date down, but I prefer to date an equal. And I'll take dating up too, if it exists for me.
That's the whole point of studying so many different creators: everybody's doing it differently, and there's something to learn from each of them, whether their world looks like mine or nothing like it. If you want to go deeper into all of this, you can watch the full breakdown in my Dating playlist.