Manifestation and Trust: How I Think About Faith and Money

Here is where I have landed after years of writing about manifestation, trust and money. I believe the universe responds to what I feel and expect, and I believe I still have to keep acting while I wait. In Faith Is Knowing It's Coming, written in January 2026, I put it plainly: faith is knowing I want what's coming to me, and that is the opposite of fear.

The posts below show how that view developed. The oldest is my 2023 review of The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks, where I wrote about finding my own zone of genius. The 2024 videos are about feeling and identity: the idea that what you feel as already true tends to show up in your external life. In How I Hacked Reality to Get Anything I Want I argued that taking full responsibility for your reality, saying I am God and I am the creator, is the core idea.

The clearest money story I have is from 2019. In Telling Myself I Was Rich Until It Came True I describe borrowing on credit cards just to make minimum payments, with my family's debts at about $600,000 against a couple hundred thousand in assets, and a bankruptcy lawyer suggesting I file. I did not file. I decided I was still rich, because I still had a home, food, and time for massages. Money started coming back from unexpected directions after that, including low-interest government loans I used to pay off the credit cards. In 2021 I made over $100,000 playing video games on Facebook. That is what happened in my life, and what I believe caused it.

The 2024 posts also spent a lot of time on what I called the test. In How the Universe Tests You Before Your Reality Changes I told the story of meeting my wife within a few months of moving to Tampa, after a run of disappointing dates, and my belief that the universe checks whether you will settle before it gives you what you want. The same post applies that idea to my eyesight, which I was working to restore naturally after being nearsighted since my teens.

In 2026 the writing moved from the big theories to the ordinary days in between. Those posts are daily journal entries showing trust in small, specific situations. In Trusting the Universe With My Money I was lying awake at 3 a.m. worried about my business, and I decided to keep acting. I put a $50 minimum on a deeper workshop at my house and started writing letters to promote it. A few weeks later, in All My Seeds Came Up on the Same Day, a paid crypto help session, a dating match and a speaking invitation all arrived within the same few hours. I read that as the seeds I had planted finally ripening together.

Trust is not the same as feeling calm all the time. In Trusting What I Can't See Happening Yet I wrote about waiting for matchmaking results I could not see, and my reasoning that many things that look overnight took slow building behind the scenes. In My Mind Went to Fear, But I Chose Faith from June 2026 I describe catching my mind spiraling about dating and money, including the credit card balances, and deciding not to believe the fear it had invented. Trust is a muscle for me. When my mind starts to spiral, I tell it I don't believe it, and I choose to trust instead.

My most recent money thinking is in Focus on Larger Amounts of Money and You'll Be Rich, from June 2026. My rule is that if something is worth my time and attention, it has to be worth at least $1,000. I would rather not spend my attention arguing over $20 parking. That is my own thinking and what has worked for me, not financial advice for you.

Be aware of the limits here. These are personal journals written in the middle of the process, not finished results, and I have never promised that a method guarantees money or any particular outcome. What I have is a set of practices I keep returning to: say what you want from the place of already having it, take the next concrete step, and notice when fear is inventing reasons to quit.

Below this opening you will find all fourteen posts in full, newest first. For the sobriety side of my faith, read my sobriety milestones. If you are working through a coin you hold or a money decision and want my direct take, you can get a personal video review at https://jerrybanfield.com/review/.

Focus on Larger Amounts of Money and You'll Be Rich (June 19, 2026)
My Mind Went to Fear, But I Chose Faith (June 15, 2026)
All My Seeds Came Up on the Same Day (February 26, 2026)
Trusting What I Can't See Happening Yet (February 24, 2026)
Manifestation and Trust: How I Think About Faith and Money (January 31, 2026)
Trusting the Universe With My Money (January 14, 2026)
Everything Is a Transaction of Utility (January 2, 2026)
A Single Word Cracked Open a New Future (September 13, 2025)
Just Wait, and Life Gives You Exactly What You Want (December 23, 2024)
I Unlocked Feeling Is the Secret 5 Years Before I Found Neville Goddard (April 24, 2024)
How the Universe Tests You Before Your Reality Changes (March 1, 2024)
How I Hacked Reality to Get Anything I Want (February 25, 2024)
Telling Myself I Was Rich Until It Came True (February 25, 2024)
The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks Book Review and Summary (June 14, 2023)

Focus on Larger Amounts of Money and You'll Be Rich

From my video published June 19, 2026.

I consistently see people ineffectively using their time and attention when it comes to money by thinking about small amounts of money, obsessing about $1, $5, $10, $20, even $100. What I've done that's helped me make millions of dollars online, and to feel consistently very wealthy, and to bring incredible opportunities to me, is I start my money thinking from one rule: if it's worth my time and attention, it has to be at least $1,000. I'm not even going to bother thinking about whether this $20 went here or that $100 went there. It's literally not worth my time.

Your time and attention are the scarcest things you have

If you look at your time and attention as the most scarce resources you have, then when you spend your time and attention, the way you're going to get that back will be based on where you spend it. You can think about somebody like Elon Musk. It's probably not worth him thinking about something that's less than $100 million. It's not even worth his time and attention to look at a problem that's worth less than $100 million in his companies.

Now, I'd say the average day-to-day person doesn't even have $1,000 or $2,000 saved up in their bank. What I see when I talk to average day-to-day people is that their time and attention are invested in tiny amounts of money. I used to be the same way when I hardly had any money. And while right now I technically have a negative net worth, I have like $100,000 in credit, I have a $2,700-a-month house all to myself, I have investments, and I have all the money I need. I'm a bit leveraged, but I'm also focusing on how do I make over $100,000 this year? What do I need to do for that? How do I set up business systems that'll make at least $1,000 a month? How do I get my YouTube to make at least $1,000 a month and add revenue within the first few months? I start off my thinking at least at four figures, where I see so many people, like I used to do, piss their time and energy away.

The receipts, the parking, and the Entrepreneur Social Club

For example, I used to go through and keep every receipt from every restaurant and make sure that I never got overcharged by the waitstaff artificially increasing my tip. That's so crazy. Yes, I've heard of cases where that's happened, but it's rare. That's an example of money so small you shouldn't even be thinking about it.

I heard people in the Entrepreneur Social Club last night just going back and forth on these tiny amounts of money. They were talking about parking, like, oh, it's $20 to park downtown. That's too small of an amount of money. I don't care if it's $20 to park downtown. That is an amount of money that is not worth my time and attention. If I go to park somewhere, I don't care hardly at all whether it's $2 or $20 or $100. Now, if it's $100, I might think about it a little more, especially if I'm going to go park there 10 times and that adds up to $1,000. Or if I was going to park somewhere once a week, every week, for $20, and that would add up to $1,000, then yes.

So it does make sense that if you're dumping $20 a day into something and that adds up to $6,000 a year, then yes, that's worth thinking about in the bigger picture. That's where you can get into stopping some of your bad habits. People were talking to me last night about going out to eat, like, oh, what are your favorite restaurants? I'm like, I don't go out to eat that much, because it costs thousands of dollars a year to go out to eat, and I can go to the grocery store and drop $200 and have fantastic food all week for myself and my children. When I go out to eat, everything costs at least $50 or $100 for one single meal, and often the food has a bunch of extra stuff in it. When I think in terms of, well, I'm going to save thousands of dollars a year by minimizing going out to eat, by generally most weeks not going out to eat even once — that level of thinking is the bigger amount.

And then, when I do go out to eat, I don't check my receipts. I always tip at least 25%, and if the bill is smaller, I may just tip like $20 on a $20 bill. It might cost $20, and I'll just drop a $20 tip, because those are such small amounts of money it doesn't matter. This is the same reason I'll give $20 to almost anyone who asks for help — the amount is too small to crowd my mind with.

The wallet analogy

Let me give you a clear analogy with your wallet. I go to Alcoholics Anonymous, and people often put a dollar or two in the basket. I don't usually put anything in the basket, and sometimes people, knowing that I'm sober 12 years and that I go to those meetings all the time, are like, why aren't you putting anything in the basket? I say, I only carry 20s. Right now, I have forty $20 bills in my wallet. That's $800 I have in my wallet. Some people at that meeting also have 40 bills in their wallet, but they have $40 in their wallet, because they've got forty $1 bills. They sit there and drop a dollar in the basket at every AA meeting, and they only have $40. I'm rolling around with $800 in my wallet. I'm ready if I need to drop $800 on something in cash; I've got it. I'm thinking, yeah, you can have whatever you like — water on me, hummus on ice. We can drink water all night, baby. You can have whatever you like.

You want to look at that wallet analogy alongside your thinking. If you crowd your mind with cheap thoughts, if you crowd your mind obsessing over $20 here and $50 there, you'll rationalize that it adds up. But what really happens is you'll miss bigger opportunities to look at larger amounts of money. If you want more of how I think through life and money like this, I keep that going in my Life playlist.

Look for the bigger opportunities instead

I look at: how can I make myself a millionaire? Where are the opportunities for me to make a million dollars? For instance, I saw the ICP price at $2.22 today, and when I looked it up, I'm like, nice. In my experience I can drop a couple thousand dollars on a thousand ICP, and I believe I'll probably make a thousand to $10,000 off of that purchase over time. That's one little action I can take that I believe will make me a thousand-plus dollars. This is my own thinking and what's worked for me, not financial advice for you — but the point stands: the more you crowd your attention and time with all these little things, trying to nickel-and-dime, the more you miss opportunities where you could take $2,000 and turn it into $20,000.

You could make a video that brings somebody into jerrybanfield.com who signs up for $49 a month, who then also pays for some additional one-on-one calls beyond the free ones, and turns into one customer that's brought in thousands of dollars of value. They brought that in because I give tens of thousands of dollars of value in my videos, in my coaching, in my community, in being able to direct message me with questions and ask my AI, and so on. It's the same mindset shift I talk about when I explain how I became a self-made millionaire twice: when you think bigger, you get bigger opportunities. But most people are stuck thinking small.

That's why I do my videos — to help you think bigger and get bigger opportunities. And the best way I can help you do that is this: when you join me, you get in my inner circle, you talk to me, you're able to direct message me, and you can post and connect with other people in the community. That will be the best thing you can do to help you think bigger.

My Mind Went to Fear, But I Chose Faith

From my video published June 15, 2026.

My mind tried to go to fear today, but I'm grateful I chose trust — about dating, about my dog passing soon, about my money and my work. It was a day of seeing how powerful my decisions are.

Catching the fear spiral

I'd just made a video about getting back on Hinge and matching right away with a woman I knew in real life. It was a great experience — but I woke up and my mind started spiraling: why didn't you recognize her, are her photos not accurate, what if she's different in person? I caught it and thought, isn't that silly? Everything is going exactly how I wanted, and my mind is inventing reasons to be afraid. So I chose to trust her first — to assume she was accurate in what she posted — and to deal with anything else only if it actually came up, rather than believe a fear my mind made up.

Money, the dentist, and trust

I went to get my teeth cleaned with no dental insurance, braced for a $300 bill, and it came to $130 — practically free. That spun me toward the bigger money fear: I've borrowed on credit cards, I'm running down my zero-percent cards, and five new YouTube channels are currently earning nothing while pulling in a few thousand organic views a day. My mind asked how much time I have left. And I decided: I feel good, I'm doing the right things, I've clearly been guided back to YouTube where I know I can succeed, so I'll proceed as if it's all working out. I have the best studio I've had in 14 years, fast tools, and AI that removes my biggest pain points. When I put myself in the right position, the money comes.

Saying goodbye to my dog

Then my ex-wife called: our 13-and-a-half-year-old dog is near the end and struggling at home. Instead of panicking, I made a plan — let's take a week to say goodbye, give him some really nice meals to enjoy, and let him pass naturally if he will. I did the same with my last dog, and it was smooth and peaceful for all of us. My daughter is already talking about a puppy, and to me that's healthy: choose love over fear, say goodbye to the old dog, welcome the new one, enjoy the dog park.

Trust is a muscle

I got home and made videos for all my channels, and even found a direction I love for my gaming channel — playing a different game every time, framed around keeping your brain fresh and healthy. Choosing to trust all of life at once lets me think clearly: I take care of my body, I trust my kids can play safely, I trust things will work out with dating, the dog, and the money. Sometimes trust appears to be violated — and that's where character building and the adventure live, because if everything were perfectly safe all the time there'd be no adventure. Trust is a mental muscle: when my mind starts to spiral, I tell it I don't believe it, and I choose to trust instead. If things are fine today, why wouldn't they be fine in the future?

All My Seeds Came Up on the Same Day

Originally published February 26, 2026.

This is my journal entry from February 26, 2026 — my real, unedited day, shared just as it happened.

What an awesome day today. I woke up and took the kids to school this morning. Enjoyed watching my son dive into making his lunch. After last night, he was sad before bed. He didn't have time to make his lunch. He made his lunch and my daughter's lunch this morning, which was beautiful. Got him to school on time, dropped him off, and then came home. I immediately had a meeting scheduled with a friend that I got into ICP a year ago. He paid me $300 to help him get his crypto transaction straightened out from last year and to figure out what his cost basis was and all that stuff so that then he could take everything to his accountant. I showed him how to update everything in Coinbase and download all the reports that he could have for his accountant so his accountant would have everything he needed. I had a great conversation with him. Helping someone untangle their crypto situation and walk away with real clarity is exactly the kind of one-on-one work I love, so if you want that kind of help thinking through your own, set up a call with me and bring it to our call.

And then I get a text message from my matchmaker that says she thinks something is going to happen. She says that, hey, Jerry, keep an eye out for something exciting happening regarding a match today or tomorrow, hopefully. Then right when I'm going to reply to her, I get an email and a text from the matchmaking service saying that I've got a match. And we're ready for you to schedule a date. My matchmaker says that she's beautiful. And, you know, your availability is open, even though hers is a bit limited. So we'll get everything to work. Then I text. And just a few hours later, I get an email that I've confirmed my availability. The girl I'm matching with gave her availability, so I put in a specific time to narrow down the window. And then the team set up a date for us, made reservations for us, and emailed the details to both of us. I'm like, this is really cool. It says the date's Friday, February 27th, at a restaurant about an hour away. I'm like, this is awesome. Like, this is so cool. Like, literally this morning, I was just sitting there hoping, had nothing going on, wondering if it was going to be weeks before I got a match. And by the end of the day, halfway through the day, like I've got a date set up at a specific place and a specific time tomorrow. The girl's bio looks awesome. And if this is an indication of the kind of girls that are on here, what a joy. It says, basically, she's looking for her partner. I'm so excited about this and super grateful that this has happened so fast. I just feel just euphoric.

At the same time, I feel really good having just earned $300 sitting in my house talking to a friend and helping him out with something he needs help with. I feel like this is exactly what I want to be doing with my business, having conversations with people I enjoy hanging out with, and they give me $300. This is awesome. At the same time, I get an invitation from a lady from AA to go speak about recovery at a church in a couple of weeks. I'm like, that's awesome, too. I literally just got paid 300 bucks, got a date set up and an invitation to speak. So I did coaching, I'm working on my writing today, I got an invitation to speak and I got a date literally all within like 30 minutes or an hour of each other. Like, holy shit. Now, some would say like my personal trainer, I tell him about this and he's like, well, yeah, that's law of attraction kicking in. I'm like, well, really, it's just all the seeds I planted being ready to harvest at the same time. All the stuff I did before and the seeds I planted all came up at once. And I talked to my personal trainer. He's got a girl he just met as well that he's excited about. And he says I'm his favorite client to hang out with, which, you know, we have the greatest conversations. The time flies by and it's going to be my last session with him, at least at my gym. Next time, like I would be happy to continue training with him, but I'd like to cut the middle gym out of the equation and just train with him somewhere else, if possible.

After I do personal training, then I come back home and get to work working on my letter that I'm going to use to promote my business. I, you know, especially really want to get my business going and be ready. I dictate a whole new hour-long letter. This one feels like it came out better than the last one and I worked through processing it with ChatGPT. I get like halfway through and it's time to go to my AA meeting. I go to the AA meeting. I see several people I haven't seen in a little while. I'm really happy to see them. After the meeting I go and get a haircut at a hair salon with a hairstylist. She was the same woman who cut my hair there last time and it's funny I reflect, I'm like, last time I came to see her I was also getting my hair cut to look nice for a date. She says it was nine weeks ago that I came to see her. I'm like, wow, like a lot has happened in my life in nine weeks. Like I moved to the house I'm in now near Crescent Lake. I signed up for a matchmaking service. I had dates with three other women. And I'm like, I feel like I'm in such a better place than I was nine weeks ago. But that date nine weeks ago was nice, but it was pretty far off of being compatible. And I'm really grateful to have something that seems like it could be much closer, although we'll see the details tomorrow. It's funny, I'm already, my mind tries to spin up some scenarios of what might not work out, and I'm like, no thanks. Like, I'm super excited to be exactly where I'm at today, and I'm really grateful to be where we are now.

As I consider this, then I'm feeling super, like, euphoric after the haircut and going to the AA meeting. I'm right in my mother's neighborhood, so I stop by to see her, and I ask my mother if she wants to hear about the date, the match, the profile I've gotten. She says no. I don't want to hear about it. I immediately start feeling a bit hurt and shut down. And yet I talk to my mother. I get my mother talking about her book and her life. I'm like, wow, you know, you get used to seeing somebody as a mother, but it's like my mom was quite a badass in her career. And I really, I encourage her. I'm like, mom, I'd like to read your book. Like I want you to print your book out and give it to me, at least at a minimum. Like this should not be something that if you passed on I'd have to go hunt through your passwords and try and, you know, get a hold of this book. Like I want to read your book now and ask you questions about it. Right when I go to leave after I spent 45 minutes at my mom's house, then she starts to get curious about the date, but by then I'm like it's too late. Like I'm ready to go, you know.

And then on the way home, I kind of feel bad. I'm like, damn, I felt really good when I went to my mom's house and I left feeling hurt. So I start forgiving my mom. I'm like, I forgive my mom for, you know, she didn't, I don't think she like meant to do that. She was just, you know, in the place she was at, not considering how her actions impact me or not considering what I was excited about. You know, I understand that things were better for her in lots of ways. When my ex-wife and I were married, it was easier for her to access the kids, harder for me to set boundaries with accessing the kids right across the street. And she misses me being married. She is impacted by the effect of me being willing to get divorced and not stick with my ex-wife, what it says about her marriage with my father. I empathize and think about that there's a lot of things going on. When I tell my mom that I'm going out with a girl, that it's not as simple for mom as just being excited for me because her own self-interest and her own feelings are conflicting too. So I forgive my mom. I say it out loud. I forgive my mom for hurting my feelings, for not considering how she could support me, for not meeting me with my excitement. And then I forgive her repeatedly in my head until I start to feel a bit better.

And then I think about, well, who the hell would I like to talk to about this date tomorrow? So I called a younger friend up. And he was one of the guys I was hanging out with at the friend's house on Sunday a few days ago. And I talked to him for an hour and a half on the phone. I call and he doesn't answer at first. I take a walk around Crescent Lake and he calls while I'm walking around Crescent Lake. And I talked to him for an hour and a half. We have a great conversation during which I shave and wash all the dishes. I did at least refrain from vacuuming, although I did brush my teeth and everything. But we have a great conversation and he shares that, you know, there's a girl that's attractive at the meeting that he'd like to talk to, but that he's afraid to talk to. And he says he feels he's playing it safe by just not talking to her. And I said, no, you're not playing it safe. Like right now you're losing. Sitting on the sidelines and watching life go by is losing. Playing it safe is to go for what you want, to take the risks, to risk getting shut down, to go out on that date, to get the crush on the girl at yoga. And if it doesn't work out, feel the pain. At least you're in the game. But to me, the biggest risk is just being basically a walking dead, a zombie, someone who's not really alive that sits on the sidelines and observes and wishes for things but doesn't go for them. I go for stuff and that's why I get stuff. And even if it doesn't make me happy, I enjoy the journey of all of it. That line I gave my friend, that sitting on the sidelines is the real losing, is how I try to live, and if you're stuck watching your own life go by, I'd love to help you get back in the game on a call with me.

And I enjoy that I've got this date set up tomorrow. I'm so excited for that. And then if it doesn't go well, I can have 11 more with 11 other women after it. I go for it. And I love that. And I encourage him. I'm like, you know, I want to see you talking to her next meeting. And I don't care how it goes. Like, even if it goes bad, we can all laugh about it and talk shit and have fun with it. Like the only thing that's lame is nothing happening. Like that's lame. Especially I'm like you're in your mid-20s, like you need, life is an adventure, like enjoy the adventure, go for it. So he sounds like he feels inspired getting off the phone and I tell him I'm really looking forward to seeing him for the meeting and seeing how this goes. I tell him that I talked to the girl myself a couple weeks ago and had a great conversation with her. She was very friendly. She's very pretty. Now I don't know that given where she's at in her life that she's compatible with what I'm looking for. But I do know I'd be interested to talk and explore more. And, you know, like he needs to do that, too. I encourage him to think about her point of view, like from her point of view, would she like all the guys at the meeting to ignore her, even though she's so pretty and she's newly sober and she's in her mid 20s, too? Like, no. Like I love when women, even when I was married, I loved when women would come up and just talk and be friendly with me. It felt so good.

Like the one girl who around a year ago came up to me and told me that she had thought of me every day after she had heard me share once in a meeting that she wanted to be as happy as I was someday. And she thought of me every day since. And that made a big impact to me. I was super friendly and sat next to her at meetings and had a lot of great talks with her. And I'm like, that's, you know, imagine giving that to someone else. I'm like, think about your intention setting. I'm like, my intention for this date tomorrow is do whatever I can to help this girl feel good and feel validated and appreciated and enjoy our time together, whether it's our first and last date or whether it's the start of something amazing and beautiful or anywhere in between. Like, I'm just so excited for the opportunity. The matchmaker said she was beautiful. So my mind keeps trying to counter that and be like, oh, well, we'll see about that. Like, you know what? I'm going to trust that the matchmaker, based on what I described and the pictures I sent of my ex and the other girls that I found attractive, I'm going to trust my matchmaker knows what I think is beautiful because I've told her and I've shown her. And if she thinks the girl is beautiful, then I should get pretty excited about it. Right.

And yes, I told my friend on the phone, like, yeah, I'm being vulnerable. He's like, it's so vulnerable to talk to a girl, to be that open, sober, so vulnerable. I'm like, yes, it is. You can prepare like, you know, I could potentially get my ass kicked emotionally tomorrow, just like I did three weeks ago. I guess it was only two weeks ago when a woman from my yoga class didn't show up to yoga. I knew I could get my ass kicked that day if she wasn't there. That, you know, the thoughts in my head talking about, oh, she didn't show up because you talked to her, she wanted to avoid you, you suck. Like those, it'd be harder to say no to those thoughts if she didn't show up. And I took an emotional beating that I gave to myself for like 24 hours. But you know what? Then I got a matchmaking service right after that. Look at me now. Now I got a date with a girl that according to my matchmaker is beautiful and fit and sounds very appropriate for where I'm at and what I'm looking for. And I'm so excited to tell you about how it goes tomorrow. I realize, you know, this could be another one of the nights where, like, you know, talking about a woman I'd been talking to and how excited I was, and then a couple of days later, I'm miserable. And same thing with another woman I'd been interested in. Same thing with the woman from my yoga class. I'm like, you know, this could be another one of those things. But what if it's not? What if this is something that is the start of a second marriage? What if that's what happens? Because that could be awesome. And I'm willing to put myself in a position for another emotional ass beating, although hopefully less severe. I'm willing to put myself in position for, you know, the two of us to not be compatible, you know, for her to be drinking too much or something or for me to just not think she's hot or, you know, for whatever. I'm in the game. Let's have some... Nope, let's not sing any songs. I'm in the game today, baby. And to me, that's the best, as good as it gets in life, is I'm in the game. I'm playing. And to me, as long as I'm alive here on this planet, I define being alive as being in the game and playing and going for it and having fun and experiencing and exploring and being curious. And I'm so grateful for everything that's unfolded today. I work hard for this!

If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.

Trusting What I Can't See Happening Yet

Originally published February 24, 2026.

This is my journal entry from February 24, 2026 — my real, unedited day, shared just as it happened.

Woke up with the kids here today, and we took a leisurely time getting ready for school. We made it there a bit late, just barely getting there before school starts. But I had some good snuggles, and it was all good. I drove home and took a nice walk around Crescent Lake Park. My matchmaker said that I had been a little too restrictive in my matching. It sounded like she mostly wanted to set up dinner dates was the main way they operate, so I am available for dinner dates Thursday, Friday, Saturday nights and my favorite food types are vegan sushi, Mexican, hibachi. And she sent me a reply back pretty quickly to that saying that that helped her a lot and that things are going well behind the scenes and I should be excited. Her one little email left me surprisingly feeling so reassured because unlike with things like swiping or trying to pick girls up in person, this matchmaking process I can't tell anything's happening until all of a sudden I've got a match and then a date. It's all just happening without me doing anything, which is the reason why I wanted to invest in it. Because I can then just go about my work without doing all this stuff behind the scenes.

I remember it after initially feeling a little down and questioning my decisions. Like if she thinks I should be getting excited, then I should be excited. Like remember, just because you don't see anything happening doesn't mean that something is not in the works and getting ready to happen. A lot of the things in life that look overnight actually took a lot of gentle behind the scenes building before they were there in reality. Thus, I intend to on a daily basis just trust the process and be grateful that I don't see what's happening and that one day I'll just get a message. And I don't know which day that'll be, but I'll get a message saying there's a match and soon enough I'll have my first of 12 different dates with different girls, which is so awesome. If you are in a season where you cannot see any results yet and it is wearing on you, I have found real peace in trusting that quiet, behind-the-scenes building, and I would be glad to talk it through with you on a call with me.

I went to my AA meeting after that to see my sponsor there, and I started working with ChatGPT on my business model and the details of it and planning things out and getting ready to write the letter. I'm happy with what it says on the outside. I've got my website set up to charge $300 for a 90-minute session. Now all I need to do is get the letter written on the inside, then print it and start passing it out and get ready for sessions to book. I enjoy the AA meeting and then I get called on pretty early on into it too, which is nice since I didn't get called on yesterday. Then I drive over to go do a noon power flow yoga class. Again, practicing the idea that if I want more friendly people, I need to be the one to be the change I want to see in the world. Today, I put my mat down next to a girl who has the same brand of yoga towel I have. And I end up talking with her after class, telling her that, you know, starting off with a yoga towel commentary, but then branching off into other areas. I end up meeting her and her friend, which feels great. I see a chiropractor I know there. I talk with him a bit. And then I see the woman I met at yoga again. And I tell her that since I've seen her, I've been making sure to be more friendly. And I felt, you know, that after I dumped on her and my vulnerability hangover afterwards, I'm like, all right, it's time to take some action. So I thanked her for listening and, you know, by listening, helping me to see that I needed to make some changes.

I went home and got a nice shower and lunch, then went to pick the kids up right after that. I got the kids from school and we come home and they get into their snacks right away. I make a popcorn from the air popper. And I've got the new cutting board set up today to a big 16 by 20 inch granite slab cutting board. It's like $70 from Amazon. Man, I love it. I got one of these for my ex-wife's house last year, and I'm so happy to have one of these at my house now. That cutting board is heavy. I mean, it's a nearly inch thick slab of granite. And man, it just makes such a big difference in a kitchen. A good reminder of how small changes like buying a cutting board and then moving the microwave to the other side of the kitchen and having the cutting board right next to the sink and a dish drying rack and the compost bin. Sometimes these little changes in our lives can make a huge difference or give us a burst of positive feeling. We don't need some huge accomplishment like graduating with a degree or finding a second wife. It's like just doing little things in my life can bring a lot of joy.

After the kids have been over about an hour, we are halfway through the Harry Potter Hogwarts battle board game and my ex-wife comes over to take the dogs for a walk. I double checked with my ex-wife and the kids that they'd like me to actually participate in going to the dog park because this is the only time my ex-wife is going to have with the kids today, so my ex-wife says it's fine with her and the kids say they'd love for me to come along too. So all four of us walk around and my ex-wife for the first time acknowledges that, you know, she does miss having a man around and that someday there might be a desire there. Right now she doesn't have time that she wants to give up and she's enjoying her space, but this is the first time I've heard her actually acknowledge that, you know, I don't need to say misses me in particular, but she misses, you know, having a man around, which is nice to hear. And I update her on my matchmaking process because that's what friends do, like we're friends now. And I don't see why we need to be weird about like the dating and stuff. Like my ex-wife wants me to find someone else. So it makes sense to keep her updated. Now, I'm not going to give her like play by play details the way I might with the boys or something. But at the same time, I'll keep her updated how the process is going. We go to the dog park and walk back home.

My ex-wife heads out and the kids want to play with the girl across the street. But she got grounded. And I have empathy for the parents dealing with their daughter having a hard time. I certainly wouldn't want to do that myself. And I know as a parent, it can be difficult to try and help your kids navigate things in life. At the same time, as a parent, I refuse to use tools like punishing the kids and threatening the kids, which sometimes makes it difficult when my son's hitting me. You know, it's the best I can do is just try and push him away or push him off of me or something. But I'm not going to ground the kids for doing stuff. Life has enough consequences. I don't need to apply more. And there are natural consequences in life. And I'd rather those come along than applying additional punishment. Like, it's kind of sad to see this girl who loves playing with my kids so much, them and my kids miss out. It all seems kind of silly, doesn't it? But I understand from the parents' point of view, it does make sense. And I understand they probably don't know what else to do either. So the benefit of this is I get more time with the kids today, a nice solid afternoon with the kids, picking them up at school all the way until they go to bed, which is the most time I've had straight with the kids in a long time, which feels very good. If you are drawn to raising kids without threats and punishment and want to compare notes on how that actually plays out day to day, set up a call with me.

My mother comes over at about 7, and my mother enjoys having time with the kids. We're going to play Ticket to Ride, but she was showing them stuff on her phone and she read the book my son's reading for school. And she helped my son with his homework while I was doing the dishes. Felt really nice. It was nice to have my house feeling so full because I've acutely felt how empty it feels sometimes when the kids aren't here, when my ex-wife's not here and the new wife's not here either. Feels real empty sometimes. But it feels very full with my mother and the kids here, and I'm grateful for that. My mother heads out, and I get the kids in bed. And they're both kicking and slapping each other before bed. And without threatening them or punishing them, I'm not sure what I can do. And truly, it is their relationship, too. Now, if somebody appears in acute danger, I'll certainly stop things. But I walk out, and I come back in. And my son's crying because he said my daughter kicked him in the head. And my daughter's still triggered and still trying to kick him even after she's already made him cry and got him to the point where he wants to stop. And I figure the best I can do is not get upset myself, and I turn the lights off and say I love them once it looks like they're not going to hit each other anymore. And then my daughter calms down and says, I love you, Dad. Good night, Dad. And we all go to sleep. It's just after 9, so I'm looking at having 10 hours in bed, and I'm grateful for this chance to rest thoroughly. I imagine these would be the nights I fantasize about next time I have a newborn.

If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.

Manifestation and Trust: How I Think About Faith and Money

Originally published January 31, 2026.

Focus on Larger Amounts of Money and You'll Be Rich

From my video published June 19, 2026.

Your time and attention are the scarcest things you have

The receipts, the parking, and the Entrepreneur Social Club

The wallet analogy

Look for the bigger opportunities instead

My Mind Went to Fear, But I Chose Faith

From my video published June 15, 2026.

My mind tried to go to fear today, but I'm grateful I chose trust — about dating, about my dog passing soon, about my money and my work. It was a day of seeing how powerful my decisions are.

Catching the fear spiral

Money, the dentist, and trust

Saying goodbye to my dog

Trust is a muscle

All My Seeds Came Up on the Same Day

Originally published February 26, 2026.

This is my journal entry from February 26, 2026 — my real, unedited day, shared just as it happened.

If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.

Trusting What I Can't See Happening Yet

Originally published February 24, 2026.

This is my journal entry from February 24, 2026 — my real, unedited day, shared just as it happened.

If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.

Trusting the Universe With My Money

Originally published January 14, 2026.

This is my journal entry from January 14, 2026 — my real, unedited day, shared just as it happened.

It's my day to drop the kids off today, which makes complete sense after our overnight. We wake up and yeah, they're a little slow waking up, but I had a great night of sleep, man. Holy shit. I did wake up at like three in the morning, which to me is a great time of like divine guidance and inspiration. And I'm really prepared to wake up at that time and meditate and receive thoughts and think if I go to bed earlier. So this has been great with the kids. What I was thinking about three in the morning is, fuck, what am I going to do with my business and my money? Like, this is potentially a really bad scenario. Like, I'm just bleeding love, baby. This could go bad. Like, if nobody comes to my events and shit doesn't work right, it could really go downhill. But at the same time, like, you know what? I'm going to do my work. And I've got enough validation from the universe that this is a place. And if this doesn't work, we'll figure out something else. But right now, the best idea I got is writing these letters to promote events at my house.

Yesterday, I went through the events and thought a lot about it. And I'm thinking I need to brand this as a workshop. I need to charge accordingly. This should be at least $50 minimum to come to my house for two and a half hours and have a deep event. Not some quick, shallow $20 event per head and then trying to be going quantity. But even if one person shows up for $50 on average, that means two people come once, zero people come. Even if I can just get one person on average to come two nights a week, that turns into like $400 a month. That's enough to start making a little bit of real money. Even if I get four people on average, that's $1,600 a month. That's offsetting my rent. And I know I can get four people on average to come to my house for an event because there's a ton of people in the city that could use it. And I am going to write the letters and do the outreach to make that happen. If you are trying to price a workshop or offer and keep talking yourself out of it with scarcity math like I did here, that is one of my favorite things to work through — schedule a private call with me and we will run your numbers together.

So I go back to sleep. I'm like, you know what? This is going to be all right. Don't worry about it. I'm going to do my thing. Everything's put me in this position to succeed. And I fall back asleep. I wake up with the kids. We get up and they have burritos for breakfast along with their fruit. I make sure everything's ready. Backpacks, get them shipped off to school, drop them off. My son and I read his Jupiter book in the back of the car and have a nice time with our father-son time in the backseat reading his book.

I then head home and I'm wondering, man, do I want to go to my gym for the marketing event today, 9 a.m. to 1 p.m.? I really want to get the event created today, the Deeper Connections event. I want it created today. I need to work on the thank you letter. I spent some time working on it yesterday. It's just not in a good spot. And I'm like, I don't even need to go. The last couple of times, nobody even bought a book. And one time, nobody even took a book for free. But I told this one guy who texted me that I would be there, and I'm like, shit, I told this one guy I'd be there, and who knows what else would happen, so I'm like, well, fuck, I need to go, because I'm not going to disappoint this guy. This guy bought three books last time, and he actually is one of the only people who texted me out of all the times I've given my phone number out locally. This guy's one of the only people who actually texted me.

And yesterday, I also realized that I can put two phone lines on one iPhone, instead of having the old garbage iPhone 7 I had that I was using as my second public number that's on jerrybanfield.com, which was not charging very well and is annoying to text on. And then, you know, calls would miss and I wouldn't even see them. So I found out, I'm like, you can have two phone lines. You just use the second eSIM on your iPhone. So I got a second eSIM on my phone account. And it just dropped that on my iPhone 16. And I got both phone lines on the same phone, which is so cool. So now when people text me on that business line, they're going to get a much, much faster response. And when they call me, I'll be able to call them back, which is perfect.

I go to the gym marketing event, especially since I put out hundreds and I'm looking to put out thousands of letters with that phone number. I need to be responsive on it and not be waiting like this guy. He texted me Wednesday, and I just responded to him this week. Yes, I was moving, but still. That's a slow-ass response. I responded to him Monday. I get back to the house. I'm like, fine. I'll go. I load my car up. I drive to my gym, which is seven, eight minutes away. I pull in a parking lot, and I forgot my table. They don't have extra tables or anything. So I drive back to my house, grab my table, and then I get there a little before 9.30, but I forgot my blanket also. So I just have to raw dog the books on top of my bare table, which is fine because it's my own business. So it's not like I got an employer trying to get me to look a certain way. Maybe I'll get a proper tablecloth at some point. I get there and set up my books and I go to work.

Trying to figure out the event and the letter and everything, I reworked the letter into a new outline. The letter that so many people gave me feedback on and edited feels so fucked up at this point. I just need to restart it with a new outline and then just go over that. And I get all that set up. I start editing my sixth diary. Actually, no, I start editing my autobiography book that will be a prequel effectively. I start working on that.

And sure enough, one of the first conversations I have after being there for like an hour, hour and a half, hardly anybody comes by until a reader comes by. And he buys three more books. He bought Author in St. Petersburg and The Unpolished Truth, Living Alone Again. He bought those two last time, which means he bought two books from the Daily Autobiography series, but he skipped over The Kind Divorce and Sober Through Separation, plus now I have a new book called Nine Hours Later that continues it. I'm like, you need to finish the whole series. Like, you skipped over two of the best parts. So he uses his credit card and drops $30 and buys three books, which is awesome.

Right around when he's about done talking to me, a woman from my recovery group, who's gorgeous and who asked me to sponsor her the first time she ever met me, and I said no, even though if I had it to do again I would say yes. But at the time, I just had a crush on this other girl. I was tired of dealing with that. So this beautiful woman, the first time she meets me, comes up to me and asks me to sponsor. And I said no. And I haven't seen her in years. Last I'd seen, she was trying to get pregnant. And I see her and I look at her belly. I'm like, you're pregnant. Congratulations. She's like, yeah, it's my second. I'm like, holy shit. It's been a while since I've seen you. She gives me a big hug. She talks to me for quite a while. And she gives me her phone number too, which is so nice. She has a husband. I really like him as well. So it was really nice to reconnect with her. And it was funny. I was just thinking of her a few days ago. And all of a sudden, she runs into me. And I'm like, this is why these marketing things are very valuable for me to show up at. And I really need to be outside peacocking in places where people can run into me so that all these connections I made over the years at yoga and AA meetings and et cetera can show up and I can connect to them. And there's a woman I had a crush on; maybe I could run into her somewhere and something could happen, which got a Pitbull song stuck in my head. Not today, though, apparently.

The gym marketing, after the reader buys three books, he comes back when he's done working out like an hour later and he buys a fourth book in cash this time, I Was Famous on the Internet, and I'm like, damn, this makes my day. I told him, like, you are now my number one fan. Like, nobody's bought even as much as another reader who's read three of the books. I have a great five-star review, but I don't think he's bought past The Kind Divorce. This guy's now bought five of the daily autobiographies. And he bought Officer Banfield, he's reading it. And he bought I Was Famous on the Internet. He's literally got seven of my books at home. And that's some really nice validation. It's like if you've got people who buy three of your books, read two of them and are reading the third long one and want to buy four more of them, you've got something special. And that is going to work out if you persist. If you are early in building something and hungry for a sign that persistence pays off, I would love to hear what you are building — schedule a one-on-one call with me and tell me about it.

I leave gym marketing about 1.30. I pick up all my stuff. And the woman at the front desk is flirting with me a little bit, teasing me that I'm not going to work out. And I can feel she was the one. She said the one day that I mentioned before, she came by and said that everybody loves me at my gym. And they got my book in a break room. I'm like, this woman likes me. And there's tension building with her. And I like that. I'm trying to figure out whether she's single and whether I could ever ask her out, and I'm hoping an opportunity comes up, though I'm not sure how to do that at work. So I try and give her some signals too and tease and flirt a little bit back within a professional enough context at work. She's on the phone when I get back in and I keep an eye on the front desk for any opportunities to talk to her while she's not at the desk or something. But I'm like, you know what? What's good here is that we're building tension. What I want to do with women is build tension because we build tension all over the place. Someday there's going to be a real, exciting connection in my life, and I'm building toward that. Not today, though, apparently.

So I head home from gym marketing and I'm not going to see the kids again today, because I already had them this morning. My ex-wife's got stuff for them all afternoon and evening. So I've got a nice block of time after I work out. So I take all my shit and put it back in my car. Then I work out until a little after two. Get some weightlifting exercise I saw in the HIIT class. Get everything strengthened up a little bit. Then I head back to my house for a nice big salad.

I also take a walk around Crescent Lake eventually, but I realize my son has left his blankets in his bed. So I asked my ex-wife, I'm like, you want me to bring these back to your house? So she says, yes, please. So I bring his blankets and I've got a dish of my ex-wife's and some stuff from the school. And I dump my compost at her house and I grab some stuff out of the shed and grab a bag. So I take everything up to my ex-wife's house, drop it off there. And then I stopped by the grocery store to grab some lettuce. And I end up buying all kinds of shit. Four things of strawberries because my daughter loves strawberries. And we ran out and forgot to get some at the store last night. So I buy four things of organic strawberries for $7 each. I'm not shopping like I'm broke, am I? I'm shopping like I got money.

And one thing last night I forgot to mention. We ran into a guy that was sitting on a walker outside of the store asking for $7 for the bus. And I gave him $20. And he said, thank you. And he introduced himself and the kids are like, man, dad, I love how you give people that need money. You know, you give it to them. And the kids are really proud of me for that. And I value their judgment. Like that's, you know, the point of view kids have to look at something like that and see that kindness and appreciate it. I'm like, that's good. I told the kids, I'm like, you know, I love doing that. And I tell them how I used to do the opposite. When my friend and I went to New Orleans in 2005, these two guys on the street squirted some shit on our crappy athletic shoes and started smearing it around, then trying to hustle us for a couple of dollars. And I started getting in their face. I'm like, fuck you. I didn't ask you for this shit. You just squirted it on my shoes. I didn't want that. I'm not giving you anything. And my friend, not one to have an altercation, gives his guy money. And then he gives my guy like five bucks. And then I was pissed off that he gave my guy five bucks. I'm like, fuck this dude out here hustling this bullshit on the street. He's like, hey, can you give me five bucks? Because I gave your guy five bucks. I'm like, motherfucker, no. I didn't want to give him anything. You shouldn't have given yours anything. That's on you. And he gets pissy. Like, oh, come on, man. I didn't want to have a fight. I'm like, fuck that. They shouldn't be doing that. And you shouldn't be giving them money. So that's how I used to roll.

So I acknowledge that to the kids like, hey, that's how I used to roll. But when I was treating money like that, I was in a spot where I did not accumulate wealth and I did not feel good about my finances. And I always felt like I didn't hardly have money. And since I got more money, especially online, and I read some books talking about how observing the need in others and being able to fill it helps you observe that need in yourself. I'm like, I feel good. You know, I'm rolling around $400 in my wallet and somebody wants seven. Fuck it, here's a 20. Right before that, I guess it was Ask Jerry for Money Day yesterday. Right before that, my nephew asked me for five bucks and I immediately sent him 30. He's like, dude, you don't have to do that. Why'd you send me 30? I'm like, I'm not sending you $5. Like that's too small of an amount of money to send. You want money? You want five? How about 30? It's like, it's not even worth my time to send you $5, but I'll send you 30 because that's enough. That's enough to buy something, you know? So he was really grateful for that. And I felt good too. If your own relationship with money leans more toward scarcity than generosity and you want to talk honestly about shifting it, that change is what turned things around for me, and I would be glad to walk through it with you on a call with me.

I'm like, a lot of people in my position will be going into scarcity mode, will be thinking I can't be giving to other people, I got to look out for me. I'm like, nope. I trust the universe. I trust the earth to provide for me. And I'm going to go forward as if I'm fully provided for. I also told the kids, you know, with my attitude about money, I go around giving people $20, $30 here and there, and you know what happens? The universe will drop $50,000 on me. I said, you could easily have some person that's a millionaire, a decamillionaire come along, drop me a $50,000 check to help them write a book. And that's how it works. What a lot of people don't do is do that little giving, especially when they feel scarce. And I'm like, I keep that going, and I know it comes back. It comes back tenfold lots of times. That's how I made all that money online, was changing my mindset. And then when I got broke, new opportunities came to me. And that keeps happening. I'm remembering all that from last night because I'm technically, I recorded last night's this morning and this one's tonight. So it's like, cool, this is my book. I can just put stuff in it however I feel like. Isn't that great? Back to today.

I had a nice big salad for lunch. Then I went to my ex-wife's house. And then when I came back, I realized I want to go to Crescent Lake every day. This is my chance to go today. So I took a nice walk after lunch, walked around Crescent Lake. And I'm very happy that the people actually looked at me and smiled and said hi. I understand people are in their own world so much. Amazing how many people, you know, don't even want to look at somebody walking by or make eye contact or smile. And it's like, damn, you are a lonely motherfucker, a distracted motherfucker. And I got almost all the way around and I saw this bench. Three people got up off of it and I saw this bench calling my name. So I sat down on it and I took maybe 10 minutes to just watch the birds and the ducks and the water and just zone in on, you know, isn't this nice? My mind mostly just went into observation and stopped thinking very much. Nice meditation by the water. And I'm like, man, I remember looking at Zillow and thinking, yes, this is where I want to live. And I'm like, I'm here now. It all worked out.

And I thought, that's how it's going to be with women. You know, the next woman that I'm really excited about, I'm targeting, I'm aiming, I'm looking for what I want. And one day that's going to all be worked out. And let's be grateful. Let's say thank you. Thank you for the adventure. Thank you for the uncertainty. Because there's a possibility it might not work out. That I might never find love again. That my dick might fall off, you know? Who knows what could happen? I called my sponsor while walking around and reminded him that I'm going to speak tonight at an 8 p.m. meeting. He said he'd be there, which is perfect.

I wrapped up walking around the lake, and then I finished up the book, How Could She? And then I looked up the author, and it turns out she died of diabetes recently, even though she was only 44 years old. And I'm like, man, I'm glad I looked that up. I'm glad I heard her story. Her story was inspirational. What's inspiring to read a book about that much abuse and overcoming it and bringing the people to justice and bringing that stuff out into the light is her journey of having all this shame inside and then getting that out and sharing it with the world and putting it in a book. That's on my wavelength. It inspires me to continue what I'm doing here with this.

After I finished her book, I looked around for other books for a while. Sometimes when you finish a good book, it's nice to really get into a book. Sometimes it feels kind of like a little bit of a downer, though. Like, I just finished that. Before I get to go to the meeting, I'm like, you know what? I want to get this event published. I've told people I'm going to create this event. It's time to get it published. So I go through and finish off the description. I dictate what I want the event description to be. I go back and forth with ChatGPT until we got a nice description. I go and finish and publish the event. And now the event is live on Eventbrite, baby. First one is January 16th, 2026. And if I sell a ticket, awesome. If not, I'll have time to write and work on my books and catch up. But the event is there. Before I finish the thank you letter, the event has to be there so then I can start distributing it.

Now, I also had an experience at my gym today that really showed me the power of having the letters there instead of the books. I was talking to the reader about this. I looked at my table. I'm like, look at all these books. I told him, you're special. Most people see this table. They see all the words, all the titles, and all the pictures, and it's distracting. It's too much for them. They look at it. They don't even know what to look at or focus on. I need to change that. That's poor marketing. He said, well, what's really poor marketing is some of these other tables where nobody stops by. I'm like, well, that's on them. He's like, you do really good marketing. I'm like, well, that's because I look at my marketing, evaluate it, and when I can do better, I do better, and I test and I experiment.

This girl came by, very pretty girl that I'd looked at and smiled at a time or two before. She actually stopped by my table. She has a 333 tattoo, which, you know, that's my dad's number that he loved. And I love that I lived in an apartment 333. Like, I love that number. So this girl gave me lots to talk about. But the thing that kind of bombed is looking at all the different books. And she really shied away when I mentioned my speaker meeting 2017 book about it being deep. And she said she was sober 13 days. And I realized, man, I should have a letter that says sobriety on it. And someone like her, I could just pass her the letter and have a 10-page letter in it about my experience staying sober and then invite her to come to my house and have my phone number on it. It'd be perfect. But instead, I'm fucking around with a 12-hour book that I wrote nine years ago that's very graphic, not general audience appropriate. This girl ends up leaving the table kind of scared off and overwhelmed by my table instead of having very clear calls to action.

I look back and a bunch of people started to look at my table, but nothing caught their attention right away. I'm like, if I had letters on there like divorce, sobriety, overweight, screens, money, work, death, legacy, if I had all letters like that on there, those would be simple. Instead of having hundreds of words on my table and combining all like 15 of the books, having an average of probably five plus words in the title. If instead you just had 10 envelopes of like one or two words each, the simplicity would drop, and anyone could easily look at the table and something would catch their eye. The money envelope might catch somebody's eyes who's struggling with money. The divorce one might hit somebody who's recently been divorced. This girl would have walked away with a sobriety envelope. Instead, she didn't even want to take a free book. All right, I've got a lot of validation that this is a much better marketing strategy. We need to get these letters done. We need to start with the general thank you letter because then the general thank you letter will be general audience appropriate. And then I'll be ready. If you have got a message or a table or a page so cluttered that nothing jumps out, simplifying it down to what actually grabs people is exactly what I love helping with — book a private call with me and we will cut yours down together.

So I'm intending by the next time we have a gym marketing day, and there's two of them, I've got two weeks till the next one, and then there's one three days after that. So two weeks is enough time for me to grind out several letters. The thank you one, the sobriety one, a money letter, a divorce letter, a grief or loss or death letter, and a screen addiction parenting letter. I want to have at least five letters ready. Like five, 10-page letters. I want to have at least five of them ready, especially on like money, parenting, sobriety, and overweight or health. And a more specific one, like I could have a letter on infertility. Like I want shit that's so specific that if you walk by my table, something jumps out at you. Like you might have the whole rest of your shit together, but infertility is the one thing you're struggling with. I want a letter on that. Some people are like, no, don't do that, people will feel called out. Like, fuck that. If you want help and you're praying for it and help's that obvious, that's going to be a game changer. So first step was to get the event up because all my letters need to invite people to the event. Then we're going to crank these letters out. So I got two weeks. Crank out letters. Thank you letter first. We'll start trying that and dropping that off. Second, start grinding out more letters to give away in all other contexts.

After wrapping up and publishing the event, then I head to the AA meeting I'm speaking at tonight. The woman that's there is very happy to see me and tells me, she says first that I'm going to speak third, but then changed it to speaking first. It's a bit unusual because I'm not a member of the home group. I don't often go to this meeting, but somebody else requested a guest speaker. So I'm it. I greet some other people that I know. I sit down right in the front row and my sponsor gets there. A sponsee arrives right after that. I'm happy to see both of them. Got my sponsorship family. Then she gets up and has me up there just about five minutes after the meeting starts. I talk for a little over 10 minutes, which follows her instructions so that the celebrants have a bit more time. I keep my story almost totally focused on my sobriety, talking about magical experiences and Alcoholics Anonymous, which I'm going to describe in my sobriety letter in detail. And maybe I'll put my letters on the homepage of my website too, so that they're all there for anybody else who comes across my website and for search engines, for somebody searching in St. Pete. I can have a big website with a wall of text that'll index everything in Google. And that'll be great.

After the meeting wraps up, the other two speakers are awesome. They get lots of laughs, enjoy their stories. And I know the one guy, the other guy's new to me, which is great. After the meeting, I talk with a few people and I end by talking to the woman who invited me there. This is a woman I got her phone number a couple of months ago, at least a month ago, at the meeting that I had started. And she's the one I texted, asking if she wanted to go for a walk around Crescent Lake. And she just left a like on my message, which I guess she liked being invited. But I don't know. She didn't suggest any times. It's kind of a pretty silly response. So I talked to her tonight and I asked where she's living. She said she's living in a women's recovery house nearby, so she could walk to Crescent Lake also. So I take these as signs that she is interested in meeting up with me, so I said, well, maybe we can meet up at this coffee shop near where she lives one day, and she's like, well, you are divorced now, as I had mentioned in my share, and I'm like, all right. This woman's a little nervous in disposition.

She's estranged from her husband, hasn't seen him or her kid in years, and doesn't have a car right now. I could feel when she gave me a hug after the AA meeting, when we first met, that she's carrying a lot and could use some real closeness in her life, and I'm interested in getting to know her if we can navigate through some of the resistance. So I had a nice time talking to her at the meeting. I drive home and I'm feeling good. I'm feeling real good. I'm like, you know, having the kids the last two nights and then Saturday, I'm really happy to have the house to myself. Like, I'm not lonely here tonight. I'm like, shit, we're going to get to work. With the kids around the last couple days my usual private routine got thrown off, but I'm relaxed about it.

It's 1030. Life is good. I'm really grateful to have gotten to speak in a meeting with so many people. I'm grateful to have had the kids in my house this morning. Grateful that I'm working my ass off when they're not here. Like when the kids aren't here, I'm working my ass off. As much as I can, I'm working, I'm organizing. I spent over an hour cleaning up around the house as well, getting moved in. It's all good. So I'm so grateful, saying a lot of thank yous today. And you're probably saying, thank you I wrapped this damn day up, right?

If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.

Everything Is a Transaction of Utility

Originally published January 2, 2026.

This is my journal entry from January 2, 2026 — my real, unedited day, shared just as it happened.

I went in today working on my memoir book with my life history. Working title right now is Automatic Escape: I Didn't Need Fixing. The manuscript now is up to 58,000 words already, and I've just barely got over halfway. This is going to be a longer book. I also laid in bed in the morning for a while and made a plan for what I'd want to do going forward. I've now got a list of eight different books I want to write that I'll be able to hand out in all different circumstances and test different reactions, see if any of them actually make me some money. I took about an hour to dictate part of the book before I went to boxing training with my personal trainer today.

My personal trainer showed me how to do a one-two punch with the jab from the left and then the cross from the right. He showed me how to duck down and avoid a blow and just slide my face over at the last second when the punches are coming. It was a good workout. And I thought I was damn near going to pass out at the end when he had me just do a burnout. I told him I'd like to start doing it like every other week or so and work on using him as a teacher. Like now I can do a much better boxing workout now that he walked me through some of the very basics. And I want to work on having him teach me workouts. Plus, I'll go to HIIT classes and things like that. The goal is that I can do my own workouts myself and go lift weights. And he's helping me be accountable and be a part of that process. Having my trainer keep me accountable reminded me how much faster I grow with people in my corner, so if you want that kind of accountability, you can set up a call with me and we will keep each other accountable.

After I finished that boxing workout, I came home, dictated the rest of the chapter on getting sober, and then went through ChatGPT and took all the dictations I had and put them into the manuscript. I guess there's some good material in here, but that's just the real story of my life too. I get the utility switched over and I realized I missed paying my electric bill last month. Whoops, I thought I had auto pay on. And they're pretty nice about it. It's like, okay, well, pay the last month and pay this month. I'm like, okay, let me pay that shit as soon as possible. I call Duke Energy to fix my name, which somehow has been misspelled for eight years. Get that fixed. Then finally get through after 30 minutes on hold to the St. Pete Utilities and get my water set up. It's cool. The phone has this feature now where you can essentially put the hold music on hold. If you're on hold, you just type that you're on hold and it'll stop playing the hold music and then it'll ring when you're off hold, which worked great twice today. I'm going to meet the owners of the house tomorrow and grab the keys from them. I'm so excited to move in.

Then at 4.44, I met a woman I'd been talking to, who's proving more interesting than usual. I hope things will go well with her. She's a friend that a friend of mine and I have in common, but we'd never met. My friend was saying that she thinks the two of us should hit it off, and I messaged her yesterday, and we set up our little walk in the park today. She's available and ready to go and meets me there at 444. I park along Crescent Lake so I can walk a block to meet her there. I see a woman sitting on a bench and wonder if that's her. Thankfully, then I see another woman who looks great, and she starts waving at me. And my friend had told me she was like mid-50s. And as we talk, we spend the next couple hours walking and talking. She says she is mid-50s. And I'm like, damn, you are still looking fantastic. Anyone can have a hot body in their teens, 20s, 30s. It takes work to keep on having a hot body. And of course, she's very much into healthy eating. We're on the same page. I'm like, God, this is so nice. The more we talk, the more things that my ex-wife and I didn't have in common, this woman and I do have in common. Like, we both didn't get vaccinated. We both quit things that paid well last year so that we could pursue more of a passion. And we both kind of burned our lives down last year. And I'm like, wow, I really like this girl. She's cool.

So we talk. We end up sitting down on a bench. She's into astrology, and she gives me an astrology reading. And she gives me a lot of validation. She's like, based on your astrology reading, writing books makes complete sense, especially the way you described it to me. That looks perfectly aligned for you. I'm like, thank you. I feel like that validation is really helpful for me. I made a point of bringing up the subject of intimacy a few different times, and after we moved on to other subjects, she brought it up a few times too. As the afternoon went on, the chemistry between us started to feel pretty intense. There was real chemistry building between us. I walked her back to her car and held her hand, and I could feel a strong physical spark just from that, more than I'd felt on walks with a woman I went out with, or other women I'd been talking to and interested in. I'm like, damn, this girl's got some real energy, and I like it.

She said she consistently has dated guys that were much younger than her because the guys in her same age demographic are often not active. She's like, all they do is sit on the couch. You go back and look in these daily autobiographies earlier, I thought I said at some point that I was thinking a nice older woman might be really good for me. It could be a great opportunity for both of us to learn and grow together and enjoy each other. I know I sure love the idea of dating a girl 16 years or so younger than me. That would be awesome. I would feel very validated by that, especially if she was really active and into me. And I'd love to be on the other end of that. She ended up talking about how she's dated some younger guys and sometimes she just felt like it was kind of the utility of being this older woman that someone they could learn from. And I said, well, if I was to date a younger woman, it'd be utility. It'd just be a different kind of utility. Instead of maturity, I'd be getting youth and the chance to have kids. That's utility also. And you should be proud that you have utility and people are into it. I'm like, everything in life is ultimately a transacting of utility. And that felt really good.

I walked her back to her car and I looked to read her body language to see if she was interested in making out. My read on her was that that'd be a bit too soon. We literally just met two hours before. Things had gone really well. I'd held her hand, which felt great. And I asked her immediately, what are you doing tomorrow night? She's like, oh, you want to see me tomorrow night? I'm like, hell yeah. I got time. I'd rather investigate her and see if there's some reason we shouldn't date as soon as possible. Because if there is, I'd rather just check that off my mental to-do list. Because she's very much taking up space in my head right now. I've got to investigate further.

And honestly, I want to talk more with her about intimacy, because physical connection matters a lot to me and I never want to be with a partner where it feels like a chore for either of us. That was something I felt was missing at times in my marriage, and I don't want to repeat it. I don't ever want to be with someone where it would feel like an obligation. And if I'm going to consider dating somebody, because I'm definitely going to be monogamous, I'd rather do serial monogamy than polyamory. Polyamory is just complicated. Serial monogamy is easy enough to focus on. If a girl is happy to live together and we have a great connection, along with doing all the other stuff too, that's exactly what I'm looking for.

She was a little self-conscious about her body, some cellulite, some loose skin. I'm like, so do I, don't worry about it, you're beautiful. Right now she doesn't have a place to live, because her last place got destroyed in the hurricane and she'd just quit her career. This might be a nice opportunity to work together. I do have a place to live. If she can live there and we can make a great partnership and enjoy each other's company, help each other learn and grow and make healthy meals together, and if she could contribute anything to the rent, that'd be great. I love things that are perfectly aligned. I'm really into this girl, and this is so cool.

I've never dated a woman older than 41 before, and I'm really drawn to her. But we need to talk more first and not just jump into anything, because once you get physical, it can be harder to step back. And at the same time, one thing that's important for me is, yes, I still want to have kids. And while she's definitely not going to have any kids, I'm happy to commit and be exclusive. But at the same time, I'm going to have my eyes open. If some girl that's 16 years younger than me comes along and falls in love with me and wants to have my babies, then that'll be the time to either do polyamory or break up, which more than likely would be break up. Like, I think every relationship is just temporary. All relationships are temporary. And what's nice is if you can make a partnership and be teammates. And to some degree, it doesn't matter whether you do that for a month or a few years or like 15 years like my ex-wife and I have. And my ex-wife and I are still teammates. Helping each other learn and grow together is everything to me.

After the date, I go over to my ex-wife's house. I stop at my house, grab some stuff to take to her house like my compost. And then I go over, having brought air-popped popcorn for the kids. I serve the popcorn up and talk to my ex-wife a little bit. And some days she's a little defensive, a little distant. But today she was very warm. She accidentally called me handsome, which she's been trying not to do since we're divorced. But she's like, you know, you still are handsome. And it was funny, it's like some other girl is validating me and getting her sights set on me, and my ex-wife can feel that. But at the same time, she was so warm and tender. She was happy to see me. We had a nice conversation. I'm like, thank God for this kind of ex.

And going forward, I'm going to make sure to tell this woman this: I would love to be great teammates and have fun together, but I want someone where, when the romance part of the relationship is over, and if we live together, when that's over, I'd like someone who'd still want to be friends for life. Someone that would always be a part of my life. And that's a big honor. My ex-wife's always going to be a part of my life because of our kids, and I love that. And I love how cooperative our relationship is. My ex-wife could just feel that I felt really good after this date. But she asked me not to go into the details of my dating until I get serious with somebody and want to introduce the kids or something. So she could just tell I was feeling so good. She's like, I'm glad you're doing well. She wants me to do well. As I've documented earlier, she's like, I know things are going to go well for you. You're definitely going to find someone.

And looking at this is perfect, we could have a nice relationship for a while. And if another relationship comes along for me, if my second wife comes along that wants to marry me and have babies, then I'm sure she'd understand that our time together would be valuable. So while she was standing at her car, I asked her immediately, I'd like to see you tomorrow. She was a little surprised, pleasantly. She's like, yeah, I'll be available for dinner. She's like, have you heard of this vegan sushi place? I'm like, oh yeah, that plant-based sushi spot? She's like, yeah. I'm like, I love that. My ex-wife made fun of me and didn't want to go there. I would love to go there with you tomorrow for dinner. So she said, all right, I'll see you tomorrow night for dinner. I gave her a nice hug.

And again, I could feel the energy between us. She said she hadn't been in a relationship in a couple of years, although she's been on a date here and there. And it was cool, she said somebody recently told her, maybe it was my friend, that she feels like she's going to meet her next partner soon. And I'm like, this is great. I love this. I love how I'm able to see how beautiful she is. She's got this beautiful blonde hair, a Southern accent, and yeah, you can tell she's been on this planet long enough to almost be my mom, but at the same time she's got a spark in her eyes and so much energy about her, and she takes great care of herself. She's one of the best-looking women her age that I've seen. It's so hot that you can take care of your body over time. I remember seeing a lady at the tennis club who really inspired me that way too.

I love how open I am. Even though I definitely want to have kids, I have time to have kids. If anything, dating a woman for a few years like this might be really good while my kids get older. And then when they don't need me as much, it might make sense to start having my second family like five, six, seven years from now. When my son's 14, he's not going to need his dad around all the time. He's going to need rides to and from sports. He's going to start having girlfriends. He's not going to want to play and snuggle up with his dad all the time. But I don't want to miss that time while he is. And that was the biggest concern my kids expressed. And ironically, dating a woman like this could perfectly fit in with my life right now and we could really help each other. So I'm so excited. I'm so grateful. Just a few days after I gave up on trying to date, I finally have the first date that I've been really wanting, like walking around Crescent Lake and having such nice chemistry with someone who's actually single, who looks like she likes me and she's been told nice things about me and she loves what I'm saying. Wow. If you're weighing a big life decision like this and want to talk it through, I'd be glad to see you on a call with me.

After going to my ex-wife's house, I went to an AA meeting to meet my sponsor there. And there was a woman I hadn't seen there for years. And I think she's close to 50. She said she just had a baby a couple years ago. I'm like, that's so awesome. She's like, it was a miracle baby. I didn't think I could have kids. I was so happy. I'm like, man, this is nice. And I got called on to share. The topic was fear and intrusive thoughts. And I'm like, I live mostly in faith now. There have been hard days too, but I'm glad I hung on, because what a great day this was.

I talked with a couple of guys for like 30 minutes after the meeting. One of the guys tells me that he'd like to go to the Philippines and find himself a second wife and have more kids with her, and I think he's like 50. And he's like, I'd love for you to go with me. I'm like, tell me when you've got more concrete plans. I'm not ready to go right now, but maybe by this summer I'll be ready. I'm down. And then we talked to this guy who's newly sober, and we encouraged him. He just asked my sponsor to sponsor him, and I'm like, that's so awesome. My sponsor is over 40 years sober. He should be sponsoring several guys. He has so much to give, and he has time to talk to people. It's great. It's good for all of us.

So I went to the meeting and then called my mother. I hadn't talked to her in a little under a week. And she seemed like she was in a bit of a mood, not very happy with me, so I just let her go after a couple of minutes. I said she could come down tonight if she wanted. She said she was busy, so I said, okay, it's no big deal. Talk to you another time. She responded to my text message this morning saying, that's fine, tell me when we can do something. And I'm glad I've had time to record this tonight and to edit my book I'm working on, and yeah, I'll let you know what happens tomorrow.

If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.

A Single Word Cracked Open a New Future

Originally published September 13, 2025.

This is my journal entry from September 13, 2025, part of my daily autobiography The Kind Divorce — my real, unedited days, published in order.

Sleeping in past seven this morning felt like a small luxury after so many early days at massage school. As much as I enjoyed the extra rest, I genuinely missed being there. That realization struck me—how rare it is to find a place I love showing up to every morning. I’m grateful for that.

I went straight from waking up to my Alcoholics Anonymous meeting at 8:30. It’s held outside, and the morning air was cool and shaded, the kind of weather that feels like a gift in Florida. The energy at the meeting was unusually powerful today—like everyone there was deeply tuned in. The topic was a variation I’d never heard before, which made it more engaging. When I shared halfway through, I talked again about how massage helped me get sober and how it connected to the theme of God. I explained that when I first came to AA, I had a lot of bias against the word “God” because of what I’d learned growing up in religion. Working the steps helped me unwind that bias, but I could only do that because massage had already grounded me enough to get started. The relaxation and clarity I found through bodywork gave me the calm focus to dive into the spiritual work. That’s been the foundation of my recovery—staying relaxed, connected, and willing to let go.

After the meeting, I talked with a woman who’s just a couple of months sober. We ended up chatting for at least twenty minutes about her life, marriage, and recovery. Her husband’s been very supportive, which makes a huge difference. She’s about to go on vacation, though, and told me she gave him permission to drink while they’re away, even though he’s been sober around her at home. I told her honestly that, ideally, if your partner can stay sober too, it makes the journey much easier—especially in the early months. Being on vacation is tricky; you’re away from your usual supports, and it’s easy to feel exposed. I said it would be better for her if he stayed sober on the trip, too. Early sobriety is fragile, and even small temptations can feel magnified when you’re out of your normal environment. I hope she makes it back from her trip still sober, and I look forward to seeing her again in a couple of weeks.

Later in the day, I went to yoga at my yoga studio with a yoga instructor. She’s back for a little while from South Africa, which made class extra special. It’s always nice to see familiar faces return, even briefly. A yoga instructor said she plans to move again in December, so I’m glad I caught her this time. I put my mat down next to a yoga instructor, another instructor there, and caught myself thinking how I might take her yoga teacher training program someday—maybe a year and a half from now, after I finish massage school. That thought filled me with quiet excitement, the kind that feels like alignment—where life is moving in a good direction, step by step. If you're craving that same sense of alignment in your own days, you can set up a call with me and we'll work on building a life you don't need to escape from.

After yoga, I spoke with a guy who usually claims the mat space in the middle of the room—my favorite spot, though he always gets there before me on weekends. He caught my attention today, not just because of his placement but because he looked like the embodiment of strength and vitality—lean, muscular, and calm, the kind of person whose presence radiates health.

We started talking after class, and I mentioned that I’m in massage school. He smiled and told me he’d gone to massage school more than twenty years ago. When I asked if he still practiced, he said no—he’s now a chiropractor. For some reason, that single word—chiropractor—triggered something deep in me. The conversation felt electrifying and confusing at the same time, as if a door had cracked open in my mind to a path I’d never considered before. But with that possibility came an almost violent wave of resistance. My first thought was, There’s no fucking way I’m going to medical school. The idea of doing a year of pre-med classes and then four years of med school to become a chiropractor sounded unbearable.

Still, his words stayed with me. It was such a big, destabilizing thought that I couldn’t shake it off. I remembered how earlier this year I’d wished I’d considered more possibilities for my life when I was younger—and today, in a way, I did. Curiosity took over, and I looked up the chiropractic school he’d attended. That led me down another rabbit hole: I discovered a program offering both a Doctor of Chiropractic and a Doctor of Naturopathy degree. I asked ChatGPT about it and learned that the Doctor of Naturopathy, or ND, focuses on natural sciences and holistic healing. NDs don’t prescribe drugs or perform surgeries but instead study how to treat disease naturally—through nutrition, energy, movement, and lifestyle medicine.

It’s a legitimate four-year doctoral program, though it requires a year of pre-med coursework first—biology, anatomy, physiology, and chemistry. For someone like me, it would be at least five years total. The first two years are the same as any medical program; the final two focus on natural treatment modalities. Tuition alone runs around $160,000. As I read that, I could feel both awe and frustration stirring inside me. The idea of being a doctor who treats people holistically—helping the body heal itself—feels so aligned with who I am. It sounds incredible. But when I checked the laws in Florida, my excitement turned to disbelief.

Right now, naturopathic medicine is illegal to practice in this state. How insane is that? It’s literally against the law to treat disease through holistic methods. That realization infuriated me. Thankfully, I found some hope—apparently, there was a bill introduced this year to establish a Board of Naturopathic Medicine in Florida, which would finally allow NDs to get licensed and practice legally. For now, though, anyone wanting to work with a naturopathic doctor must do it online with someone based in another state. There are currently twenty-four states—like Colorado, Oregon, and California—where NDs can legally practice.

I hope Florida joins them soon. It’s now something I’ve added to my list of things to manifest. Still, I’m not sure if I’d actually go through five more years of school to become an ND. The idea of being “Dr. Banfield” again has a strange appeal, though. My mom holds a doctorate in her field, my brother holds an advanced graduate degree, and my ex-wife has her Juris Doctor from law school. It would feel fitting to join that lineage—but with a twist: a doctor who heals naturally, body and spirit both.

The idea of five more years of school—especially the kind of rigorous academic grind that comes with medical or doctoral programs—feels exhausting. Massage school has been joyful, creative, and deeply human, but I can’t imagine a doctoral program being even a fraction as fun. Still, part of me knows that in the past, I’ve made mistakes by not thinking far enough into the future. I keep asking myself: would I love being a naturopathic doctor at fifty, with twenty, thirty, maybe even forty more years ahead of me to practice the kind of medicine I believe in—treating people holistically, diagnosing disease, and healing with my hands as well as my intuition? The answer is yes. That vision lights me up. If you're sitting with a big what-if about your own future the way I was here, you're welcome to book a one-on-one call with me and we'll talk through what lights you up.

On a planet with 20 extra hours per day, I’d be able to give massages throughout the entire program, staying grounded in bodywork while moving toward something bigger, plus have time for everything else. Maybe, if everything aligned perfectly, I’d finish right around the same time Florida legalized naturopathic medicine. But for now, that’s a distant dream. Still, it feels meaningful to open my mind to new possibilities instead of staying trapped in what I already know.

I also explored other natural medicine paths and found that you can become a Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine (DO). But that’s basically the same level of schooling as a traditional MD—four years of medical school, residencies, exams—and it still centers on surgery and pharmaceuticals. I have no interest in cutting into people or prescribing pills. The whole reason I’m drawn to natural medicine is because I believe the body can heal itself without being drugged or dissected. I don’t even want to invest years learning about surgeries and drugs I’d never want to use. If I ever became any kind of doctor, it would have to be as a chiropractor or, preferably, a naturopathic doctor.

Out of curiosity, I looked deeper into what chiropractors actually do, and honestly, it didn’t sound appealing or aligned with what I’m called to do. According to ChatGPT, chiropractic care focuses mostly on spinal adjustments and musculoskeletal alignment, not the broader, whole-body healing I’m interested in. It just didn’t resonate.

After going down that rabbit hole, I met a friend for tennis at noon at a park. I’d meant to give him a copy of Author in St. Petersburg, where he’s mentioned several times, but forgot. The match itself was solid—I actually won the first set in a tiebreaker after jumping out to an early lead, losing momentum, and then rallying back to even it at 6–6 before taking the tiebreaker. A friend came back strong to win the second set 6–3, and then he took the final tiebreaker around 1:45 p.m. I was wiped out by the end—completely gassed, no sunscreen, no hat. My scalp got sunburned again, so maybe it’s finally time I start wearing a visor.

When I got home, I made myself a big salad, showered to cool down, tidied up the house, and then dove back into refining my ChatGPT writing workflow. I think I finally cracked it. I can now feed ChatGPT a massive hour-long dictated transcript, and it will read the whole thing and suggest how to break it into manageable sections. Then I process it in chunks of about a thousand words each, using my new rewrite prompt. I’ve found the sweet spot—no more than three to five iterations per section before I open a new chat window and reset.

Most importantly, I enforce a strict no-cutting rule. Whenever ChatGPT starts trimming text, it always ends up summarizing and watering everything down, turning my raw, specific voice into some bland, generic version I can’t stand. I love when it cleans things up while keeping every detail intact. I hate when it summarizes my story like it’s a Wikipedia entry. I keep wanting to yell at it: Stop that shit! Keep my real voice! Don’t censor my life or smooth out the rough edges—I want the real thing.

My ex-wife and the kids came home in the evening, and we shared a warm, simple dinner together. It felt grounding after such a full day. Later, I got a message from my sister—her tone was upbeat, and she confirmed that she’d read the letter I sent. Relief washed over me. I’d felt horribly vulnerable sending that letter, knowing how exposed I was making myself. But deep down, I knew it would’ve been cowardly not to send it.

That letter was my attempt to truly open up—to be seen by my sisters in a raw, unfiltered way while addressing some of the most delicate, emotionally charged subjects imaginable, especially those involving Dad. Writing it forced me to confront a lot of fears—about rejection, misunderstanding, even the possibility of losing the relationships I’ve spent decades trying to rebuild.

Her message reassured me that none of those fears seem to be coming true. She mentioned she has feedback to share, which I’m genuinely looking forward to hearing. Just knowing she read it and responded kindly feels like a huge step forward. For a moment, I can breathe easier, knowing I didn’t break what I was trying so hard to heal.

If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.

Just Wait, and Life Gives You Exactly What You Want

From my video published December 23, 2024.

On December 23, 2024, I woke up and had a Larabar and Christmas cookies for breakfast. Delicious. My dog decided to grab one off the table while I was eating, first thing in the morning, and I don't play that. She jumped up on the table and grabbed a Christmas cookie. I grabbed her neck while she grabbed it, yanked the cookie out of her mouth, and then ate the rest of the cookie after she'd had the whole thing in her mouth.

I remembered my mom is a vet, and she says how dogs' mouths are cleaner than people's. And I thought, you know what? This is just to make a point. This is to make a point that you're not going to slobber on my cookie. My dad used to say that his dad, who grew up in a family of five kids in the 50s, would lick one of the pork chops so other people didn't want it. And I'm like, you are not doing that with my Christmas cookies. What's funny is it's not like it was my first cookie or anything. It was like my third or fourth cookie. But I figure if you eat stuff like cookies first thing in the morning, your body just burns the energy off. You don't get fat. But if you put those cookies away at night, you're getting fat.

$100 overnight and a community off YouTube

I came to my open chat today, which is like a Discord or a Telegram, and checked my messages. There were more than 20 direct messages. I'm like, can we put these in the chat, people, and not just DM me about stuff that I'm happy to see? I made $100 overnight on somebody new joining one of my channels in open chat, which is awesome, and I split that with one other guy. I'm so grateful that after so many years on YouTube, I finally got an application that can build the community off of YouTube. That's really effective, both for bringing in a free community and then for paid upgrades. If you want to be part of that, you can join Jerry Banfield Family.

Today I was wondering what kind of video I wanted to film, probably just a short little one. Yesterday I did a two-hour Internet Computer Protocol stream on my Jerry Banfield crypto channel. There were 200 viewers most of the time, about 2,000 in total, and tens of thousands of people saw the stream while it was live. And I'm glad that's enough.

One of my biggest struggles as a content creator over the years is feeling like where I'm at is enough, and actually enjoying what I'm doing, feeling like what I'm doing is useful. One of the hardest things with video games was feeling like what I was doing was useful, although making people laugh is useful, and teaching people something they learn to want to use is useful. With my crypto videos, I know I'm doing something useful, because I'm helping people get out of all these other vaporware garbage coins and get into something real. I'm just sharing what I'm doing myself. It's not like I'm out here pitching things that I'm not holding. I have ICP. I've got like $50,000 of it, and that's my whole portfolio. So I'm just out here telling people what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. It feels good. If you want to see exactly where that's gone, I broke down my entire crypto portfolio of 6,511 ICP in another post.

How quickly a life disappears

Today I'm planning to go play tennis at about 10am, a couple of hours from now. I think I'll go to yoga first to stretch and to see the community there. And it's amazing how quickly your life disappears. I'm trying to remember what I even did yesterday. You really do only have this moment. Like, 80 percent of yesterday is already forgotten.

I did go shoot basketball yesterday, which was nice. I made 33 three-pointers in about 30 minutes, which is a bit slower than I've been doing lately. We also baked Christmas cookies at my house, vegan ones with flaxseed instead of egg, which is awesome, because then you can eat the dough while you're making it. My mom came over and we decorated the cookies. I made a single batch, so there weren't so many cookies, which was nice, because it was faster and the cleanup was easier.

Sometimes you just need to wait

And the kids fought. My son got all upset because the first tray had 11 cookies. My daughter decorated several with my mom, and then my son was counting the cookies on his tray, getting all upset, because he didn't know if there'd be 11. And there ended up being 12 cookies. I'm like, see, sometimes you just need to wait, and you're literally going to get exactly what you want. All the fuss and all the crap beforehand: if you literally just wait, life is going to give you a good deal. So much suffering could be avoided. I've seen it repeatedly in my personal life, and I'm glad I'm better at waiting now. I'm better at waiting and trusting that life is going to give me exactly what I want. All I need to do sometimes is wait.

Like Internet Computer Protocol. So many people are all pissed off and frustrated with the price. I'm like, y'all, just wait. All you need to do is go out with your life, have fun, enjoy your day-to-day life, and wait. And this is going to give you all the money you want. I feel extremely wealthy with all the Internet Computer I have today, and seeing where that's going, I feel so blessed. The universe keeps giving me these opportunities: Bitcoin 10 years ago, Ethereum eight years ago, repeatedly giving me opportunity after opportunity. And I'm glad I have the patience today to actually receive the opportunity. That's the whole reason I keep saying no one is selling ICP now, and I talk through all of it in my ICP Crypto playlist.

Why I still wash my own dishes

I did so many dishes yesterday. I must have done an hour and a half, two hours of dishes, between cleaning up the kitchen from the day before, making the Christmas cookies, cleaning up the Christmas cookies, and there's still more dishes to do. My kids said, "Dad, grownups don't get bored." I'm like, do you think I like washing all these dishes? Do you think I'm just having the time of my life washing these dishes?

I feel satisfied washing the dishes, because if I don't do it, then that falls to Laura. And if Laura doesn't do it, we're going to have a disgusting house, or we're going to be using paper plates all the time, which is wasteful. So it's satisfying to do what needs to be done. And I like how I do the dishes better than anybody else. Everybody else in the house, whether it's Laura or the kids, always leaves stuff. There's oil on the dishes, there's food on the dishes. When I wash the dishes, they're clean. So I wash them, even if it takes an hour, hour and a half.

Sure, I have enough money where I could pay somebody to wash my dishes for me. But I hate having somebody do things that I should be doing for myself. It's gross to think about. I could pay somebody probably $20 an hour to come wash my dishes for me. And some people say, well, it would make sense for you and your time: you pay somebody $20 an hour to wash your dishes, then you could do a call for $300.

What an AA meeting reminded me about getting sober

I went to my AA meeting last night, and the guy who brought the topic led it with me. I chaired the meeting and he brought the topic, which was great because he doesn't share a lot and a lot of people don't know him as well. He did a great topic, and we all talked about it. I remembered how my wife getting ready to leave me was what motivated me to get sober. But I didn't try to get sober as much for her as I realized I wasn't going to be able to live without her, not because of her herself, but because if I were to push her away with my drinking and be all alone again, I would feel like an utter failure, and I couldn't stand to live like that. So I really got sober for me, because I couldn't stand to live my life the way I was living it anymore. My wife leaving was a good external trigger to be like, oh, this is something I really need to do something about. This is really bad.

What valuable work really means

At the meeting, I talked to a guy who is paying a girl who's like a tantra therapist to satisfy his needs for his man parts. She was charging him like $300-something an hour, and it sounded like he was enjoying that. I'm glad, because to me, if you're having joy in what you're doing in life, and it's not hurting anybody else, and in fact it's helping somebody else also, that's ideal. If you're doing something and it's hurting somebody else, or it's not bringing you joy, there's probably a way to do that with joy.

So I was thinking on the way home, man, this girl has to advertise her services on these adult websites, strip it all down, and she gets the same amount of money for what she does as I do doing a Zoom call in my house. I was going to say God is good, but I set this up. I've got it really nice. I love that people pay $300-plus an hour to talk with me for an hour, and I do valuable work. The last guy who paid me, I helped him sell $30,000 or $40,000 of his crypto into ICP, get it off the exchange, and get it locked up, so he gets out of these garbage coins, gets into one that's good, and then locks it up to reap those rewards long term. That's a valuable service. There aren't a lot of people in the world who could have helped you do that. If that's the move you want to make too, I wrote about why I'd sell Bitcoin, ETH, XRP, and SOL for ICP before it's too late.

But I was thinking on the way home, this is crazy. I remember when I was making less than $20 an hour. I was making $20,000 a year working full time as a correction officer, which actually came out closer to $10 an hour, because you multiply 40 hours times 50 weeks once you account for sick days and vacation. So I was working about 2,000 hours a year for $20,000 a year, risking my life as a correction officer. Then I finally got up to close to $20 an hour as a police officer, risking my life on the streets. And it's amazing that today I make about 15 times that much in the comfort of my home, having a call with people. If you want that kind of call, you can join Jerry Banfield Family and be with me on a weekly live call.

I think that kind of abundance is available to all of us, all of us. But it comes from first feeling like I love what I'm doing, I have enough, and asking, how can I serve? How can I help others? It's not like doing one form of work is better than the other. As a police officer, I did feel really satisfied, and as a correction officer, I knew I was doing valuable work. Now, I hated, especially as a correction officer, how little I got paid for it. But I knew I was doing something that was valuable.

Feeling useful as a YouTuber

As a YouTuber, lots of times I haven't felt like I'm really doing anything valuable. But now I do. What's tricky as a YouTuber is you can make videos that get you views and make you money, but those videos can essentially just be junk food for people who are watching addictively and wasting their time. I think the videos I'm doing right now, my crypto videos especially, are videos that are really transforming people's wealth. Time will tell how that turns out.

And I love doing these videos. These videos are so therapeutic. They're so fun. They're so real and raw, and I would love to just watch pretty much anyone making a video like this, talking about their life, sharing what they're doing. I wish everybody would just make this same kind of YouTube channel where it's like, just tell me about your life. Tell me what you're doing, and be real, and cover what's interesting about your life.

The patio I refuse to pay someone to build

Yesterday I went to Lowe's with my mother-in-law and the kids first thing in the morning. She came over and needed a ride, and I'm like, hey, let's go. I started buying the stuff for the patio out in the backyard. My wife has wanted a patio for like a year, and this is another one of those things: I don't want to pay somebody to do something that I want to do, but actually making time to do it has been a little tricky. I did make time to fix the fence and clean the house up after the hurricanes, but then I dove back into my work. So I'm going to make time. Winter in Florida is a great time to knock this patio out. It's not so hot. It's going to be hours and hours of digging, putting down gravel and sand, leveling it, and then putting down all the blocks for it. I don't want to pay somebody thousands of dollars to do something that would be good for me to do.

Now, I told my wife I could probably do our roof. The materials for a new metal roof for our house would cost four or five thousand dollars. I'm like, I could just buy all those materials and rip the old roof off. She's like, no, I think we should pay twenty thousand dollars for somebody else to do this whole roof for us. And they're on the roof right now, putting some finishing touches on it. There are some things that are better not to do yourself. My in-laws did their own floor, and that floor was bumpy. Now they're getting a nice floor put down. A roof is something that's worth paying extra money to have done by people who do roofs, so the roof doesn't leak or blow off during a hurricane. You don't want to find out your do-it-yourself roof blows off during the hurricane; then you should have just had it done right in the first place. But a patio in the backyard is low stakes. The worst thing is you could twist your ankle or fall down because it's not straight, which I guess you want to avoid. But I'll make it straight out there. We're going to smooth it out and pound it down. I'm going to do that.

So this is the interesting stuff. I'm trying to remember what's happened since my last vlog. It's Monday, so I did one on Saturday, and I can barely remember anything about that right now. This is my life. I love filming these, and I wish these were the videos I'd filmed the whole time I was on YouTube. So sometimes the best you can do is say, well, I wish I'd done this before, so I'm going to make sure I keep doing it today. If you want to come along, you can keep watching more of my life in my Life playlist.

I Unlocked Feeling Is the Secret 5 Years Before I Found Neville Goddard

From my video published April 24, 2024.

I unlocked "feeling is the secret" five years before I ever found Neville Goddard, and I'm really grateful I came across Neville's books. When you don't realize you're doing something, it can be easy to stop doing it. So I'm going to explain the process I worked to do feeling is the secret, as Neville Goddard explains it, in my real life — to change everything from my health to my wealth to my relationships to my career. It has been extremely transformative for me. I'd heard these ideas in other books, but never put together the way Neville Goddard does until just this last month, when I've been reading all his books, including Feeling Is the Secret and a whole bunch of others. In my experience, they're spot on.

What "feeling is the secret" actually means

If you've never heard of it, here is what the secret of feeling is. If you can feel the way you would want to feel with anything you desire — if you could feel that way now, as if you already have it — that, I've come to believe, is one of the most powerful things you can do to bring something into your external reality.

I'll explain how I did this when it came to wealth, because if you're feeling broke, in my experience that drives an external reality that matches. And if you feel wealthy, that drives your external reality too. Most of us are trying to change our external circumstances in order to generate an internal feeling. The way I've come to understand it, through what Neville calls the law of reversibility, if you change your inner feeling, that feeling will generate external circumstances as well. So basically, if you think being wealthy can make you happy, then being happy can make you wealthy.

The way I've come to see it, the secret to manifesting is understanding that the deepest truth is that you are God — you are the one, you are the father, and this body is the son or daughter you have created. All of reality, all of consciousness, is who you are and what you've created. And the way you create, at least in this current experience we're having, is primarily by feeling. So the feelings you're having will tend to set up your external experiences.

How I felt my way into being broke

For example, when I was in the worst financial position I'd ever been in — the end of 2019 — I was borrowing money on credit cards just to make minimum payments. I ran up personal and business debts to the point where my family, including all our house loans, student loans, and everything else, was $600,000 in debt. We only had a couple hundred thousand in assets, mainly our house. And I did that within a year of being the richest, externally, I'd ever been.

In 2018, I had a crypto portfolio that was worth nearly a million dollars at one point. I managed to sell hundreds of thousands of dollars out of it as it was crashing. I managed to pay lots of taxes, spend a bunch of the money, and somehow put all my money into a new business venture that failed in 2019. And I realized — I remembered — that I had felt my way into that experience.

At the end of 2018, I started feeling broke. Even though no one would have looked at my external reality and said I was broke. I had just made hundreds of thousands of dollars in crypto, but my portfolio had drastically dropped in value, and the project I'd invested in was on its way to zero. Even though I had no credit card debt, no business loans, and my net worth had become positive for the first time in my entire life, I started feeling broke. I started feeling like it wasn't enough. The picture of myself as a crypto millionaire was not enough. I started feeling like I wasn't being fulfilled. And the feeling of being broke is the feeling that you don't have enough.

Within a year, that feeling drove me to make all these decisions. Externally, I thought I was building my next big business idea that was going to take off. But really, I was throwing my money away on bad business expenses in every way you could: paying freelancers to do work that didn't end up being needed, advertising things nobody bought that didn't drive any value. And I realized, at the bottom of my financial situation, that I had done all of this by feeling broke.

Feeling wealthy at the very bottom

So I figured that if I feel wealthy now — despite my external circumstances being the worst they'd ever been, wondering how I was going to get through without declaring bankruptcy — then that would have to change too. For years, at the bottom of my financial situation, I felt massively wealthy.

Because despite all the bad decisions I'd made, which I finally took responsibility for and became transparent about — I told my wife, I asked for help, I shared with everybody online — I realized that in the worst financial situation I'd ever been in, I still had my house. I wasn't going to lose that even if I declared bankruptcy, which I didn't end up doing. I still had food to eat. My kids were still provided for. I even had enough money to get a massage once or twice a month. I looked around and thought: man, that is wealth. When you can absolutely ruin your finances and you still have a roof over your head, you still have enough food to eat, and you still don't have to take a job — even though a lot of people, when I asked for advice, suggested I take one — I said, nope. I'm going to get through this without taking a job. I'm going to get through this without declaring bankruptcy. And ironically, in the worst external circumstances of my life, I felt massively wealthy.

How the money started coming back

As soon as I started feeling that way, money started coming in from all over the place, from unexpected directions. I got really low-interest loans that seemingly came out of nowhere — SBA loans, disaster relief loans. Remember 2020? Out of nowhere, I got low-interest loans directly from the government, and I was able to use the money I earned in my business to pay off the credit cards, then use the loan for business expenses and to pay myself. Pretty quickly, all my credit cards got paid off, and all my higher-interest business loans got handled. The highest interest rate loan I have now is around 3%, and the interest is totally deductible.

Not only that, but in 2020, I had wanted to be a gaming streamer for a long time. I'd quit. I'd given up. And then all of external reality somehow put everything in position for me to make great money streaming video games — which, in 2019, looked extremely unlikely. In 2021, I made over $100,000 playing video games on Facebook. An extremely unlikely scenario from the point of view of 2019. One that I had wished and dreamed for. But when I changed my feeling internally — that I am wealthy, I have everything I want now — I finally started being able to play video games and just feel wealthy. I'd tried to be a gaming streamer before, but I'd felt broke.

Today, my crypto portfolio was zero a year and a half ago, and now I have $60,000 in crypto. My family's net worth is the highest it's been since 2018. We only have my wife's student loans, our business loans, and our home loan left to pay off before we're debt-free. And my house has doubled in value since 2019. So for the first time since 2018, my wife and I are in positive net worth. All of that started from feeling wealthy inside.

The little signs of it started almost immediately. Random checks coming in the mail with money. We got a refund on our health insurance that was totally unexpected — it turns out there's some law that health insurance companies can only make a certain amount of profit, and if they make more than that, they send you a check. And it was Wayne Dyer who got me in touch with feeling is the secret in the first place, because he read a lot of Neville Goddard, even though I hadn't heard the name yet. Now I feel so wealthy still, every single day. I think: my gosh, I have so much, and more and more just keeps coming to me. In 2019, I struggled to find any way to make money. Today, people pay $300 an hour to talk to me for an hour on Zoom through my website. This is one of the clearest examples of how I've hacked reality to get what I want.

The first thing I ever manifested: getting sober

I've done this in every other area of my life as well. With my health, I started to say, I am healthy. Even when I felt sick, I would affirm: I am healthy. And not only affirm it, but make it my identity — that I am healthy.

The first big way I manifested feeling is the secret was getting sober, because I had struggled to get sober for years. When I was trying to get sober, all I'd think about was not drinking. My identity was that of an alcoholic who drinks. I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic who drinks alcohol. Then my identity had this magical shift. I felt that "dying" that Neville Goddard talks about, and my new identity became: I am sober. That's been my identity for 10 years now. With an identity that I am sober, it is very easy to stay sober. It is only difficult to stay sober if your identity is that you're a person who drinks. Once you change it to "I am a person who's sober," it's very easy and comfortable to stay there. If you want the longer version of that journey, I've written about going from hopeless to happy, joyous, and free after 10 years sober.

Relationships, and being in two places at once

I changed it in my relationships, too: I am in a happy marriage. I am at peace with all the people in my life. And most recently, I've been applying this to things Neville talks about — like the stories of people who said they were able to appear in another place while their physical body stayed where it was. I've just started experimenting with that. Last night, even. The key always comes back to feeling: can you feel now how you would feel if you got whatever you think you want? The way to do that is to imagine that not only do you already have it, but you already are it — that there's no separation. That's why it says in the Bible, "let the weak man say, I am strong." I've made video after video saying: let the sick man say, I am healthy. Because if your identity is health, you will strip away all the trappings of illness.

I don't know any sick people who don't have an identity as a sick person. You ask them and they say, "oh, I'm sick today." I don't know any healthy person who identifies as a sick person. That's why, even when my body has various little symptoms come along, my identity is: I am healthy. I interpret everything that happens in my body as a part of health. It's a part of health. It's a part of being healthy. To me, this is such powerful information that all of us could make videos about it all the time, because it's something we need to be reminded of constantly. What has happened to me at various times is that I unlocked the secret — I unlocked that feeling is the secret — and then, at various times, I forgot it again.

Watch your "I am" statements

When I was feeling broke back in 2018, I was certainly familiar with these ideas. But I forgot them. And I started working really hard to try and make money. But if your identity is "I don't have enough, I'm broke," or "I'm bad in relationships," that's what runs. So watch the things you say to others.

I hugged a girl the other day and she said, "oh, I'm bad at hugging." I told her that's ridiculous. Always watch the "I am" statements you say to other people, and if they're not what you want to be, change them. You don't have to tell anybody you're changing it. It certainly can help to have someone keep you accountable, but sometimes other people will try to reinforce your existing position. I've found that when I change my identity, sometimes it threatens other people, because they don't want a relationship with the new identity — they want me to stay in my existing one. For example, when I got sober and became a sober person, almost everybody who drank with me didn't want a relationship with me anymore. Because if you identify as a drinker and your friend identifies as sober, that often isn't compatible beyond the superficial.

My eyesight: the hardest identity to change

I've done this in almost every area of my life. And any place where there's still a little gap — like with my eyesight — it's honestly hard to even talk about, because you realize that with your words, you can reinforce the very thing you're trying to release. If I tell you the story of my eyesight, in a way I'm reinforcing it. But at the same time, you want to have something to teach from. If I'd just been wealthy and healthy and everything had been perfect the whole time, then I don't really have any teaching experience to share.

So, with my eyesight: I went to the eye doctor in the late 1990s after I realized I wasn't seeing well at a distance, and I got a prescription for glasses. From then on, my identification was that I am nearsighted — for more than 20 years. About five years ago, I started trying to break that and change my identity. I did do feeling is the secret with it. I felt it, I pictured seeing everything clearly, and I cried. But what I didn't do was persist in it.

What's challenging is that often you'll have to repeat it, and go against momentum, and unearth all these unconscious beliefs. If just for a moment you picture "I am seeing perfectly, my vision is 20/20," and you feel how good that will feel when it happens, and you imagine that it's real and that's where you are — that can definitely help for the moment. But sometimes you have to really persist, and clear out, and let go of some old resistance. I've been surprised how much deep, subconscious programming there is, where my eyes will try to find the thing I can't see clearly instead of looking at and appreciating everything I can see. Whenever I set my identity that I am perfect vision, it's like part of me at a subconscious level goes out and tries to prove me wrong: no, you're not — look at that sign, you can't read that. Look at that, you can't read that either.

So with feeling is the secret, you often need repetition, especially when there's something deeply ingrained, a real long-standing identity. You may not be able to instantly change something. I was listening to another Neville Goddard book where people ask: why does this seem to fail? Why do I say "I'm not seeing anything, I'm not seeing anything, I'm not healthy," and then I get sick? Or I say "I'm wealthy," and then I lose money? Neville says it fails because you don't persist in it. There's a certain momentum in life. The same idea shows up in how the universe seems to test you before your reality changes — the gap between picturing it and persisting through the pushback.

The journey of my eyesight has been interesting because of that back-and-forth. I've had moments where I could see better than I've ever seen — I had a moment where I could read text across the room that's been blurry my entire adult life, and I wasn't squinting, and I was crying with joy. And then it slipped back to what's been normal over the last few years. But I got a glimpse of it, so I know my eyes can do that. At the same time, sometimes I wake up and think, what is this crap? I'm perfect vision — and then my eyes immediately go look at something to prove I'm not.

As I keep persisting — I am perfect vision, I am seeing clearly — I even set the intention that I forget I ever didn't have perfect vision, unless I want to bring it up as a teaching example. Because really, letting go of an identity in feeling is the secret means, to some degree, forgetting it ever existed before.

Reinterpreting the symptoms

Often I'll have a little sensation in my throat. Back when I identified as someone who gets sick a lot, that would usually turn into a sore throat. But now I interpret it as a sign to make sure I'm expressing myself creatively and authentically. When I do that, I also imagine that I'll soon forget the sensation was ever there. And then a few hours later, the sensation's gone, and I think, oh, look at that — I forgot it was there.

My throat was a little tense yesterday when I was swallowing — I probably went a little too far back in yoga and tweaked a muscle. Some of the times when I swallowed, it would feel tight. And I thought: I'm forgetting that this was even going on. Today, I realized I haven't been feeling it.

So be loving and be kind with yourself while practicing feeling is the secret. It can be easy to have an experience where it works and you can see that it works, and then to slip back and feel hopeless — like, this is just crap, it doesn't work, this is reality. Persist with it. Persist with it and remember it all the time. If you want to go deeper on how I think and live this way, I keep these conversations going across my Life playlist, and you can join Jerry Banfield Family to go deeper on any of it with me.

What seemed impossible 10 years ago

The life I'm living today seemed impossible 10 years ago. I'm 10 years sober. I have the happiest relationship I've ever had. I do work I love for a living. I am abundantly wealthy and healthy. That whole situation seemed impossible a decade ago.

So I look at the future and ask: what seems impossible today? Maybe I can be in two places at once. Maybe I can levitate. I am perfect vision. The things that seem to have an element of impossibility to them now could easily be real, in terms of external reality, a year, five, or ten years from now. So stick with feeling is the secret. I'd love for you to keep walking this out with me.

How the Universe Tests You Before Your Reality Changes

From my video published March 1, 2024.

My friends, in my experience the universe tests you before you get what you want, and I've come to believe this is to prove how badly you want it. If you're struggling to manifest something, if there's something you've really been wanting that feels like it's just not coming to you, then you're going to love hearing about my experience passing the tests the universe gives you in order to confirm that, hey, I really do want this, and I'm willing to do what it takes to get it. If you want to look at the biggest test of my life, I'll give you two examples and then some stuff I'm working with right now.

The biggest test of my life: finding my wife

My wife and I have the best relationship I've ever seen anybody have. We've been married since 2012. We've been together exclusively for 13 years now. We are very happy. We really understand each other. And when I was in elementary school, like first or second grade, I used to imagine what it'd be like to be with my wife. Especially before bedtime, when I was laying in bed and about to fall asleep, I was thinking, where's my wife? I wonder what she's like. I imagined the romantic things we would do together. That was in elementary school.

Then I struggled for a long time, being mostly single throughout my teens and early 20s. I had one of the worst dating experiences out of any of my friends. Many of my other friends found girlfriends and were not single most of the time. Me, I'd go out with all these girls, I'd constantly try and pick girls up and get their phone numbers, and they'd give me fake phone numbers, or we'd go out and it was a disaster. I did online dating back on Hot or Not originally, in the early 2000s, and it was one disaster after another, one failure after another. I did have a girlfriend for a while in college, but we weren't that into each other and I didn't know how to deal with it. She then cheated on me and left me, which was a good move that helped both of us move on. Then for years I struggled to even say the word relationship.

But through all of that, I still had a very clear idea in my head of exactly what kind of woman I wanted to be my wife. I held this idea that there was the perfect wife out there for me, and that if I would just refuse to settle for anything less and position myself for success, then the perfect wife would come to me.

Where I finally positioned myself for success was moving to Tampa, Florida, in 2010 for graduate school. One of the big considerations I had in moving to Tampa was the dating odds. I looked on Match.com before I moved. Previously, in Columbia, South Carolina, I ran an experiment: I'd search as if I were a man looking for a woman, then switch the criteria around and search as if I were a woman looking for a man. In Columbia, there were more than twice as many guys that met the search criteria as there were women, which means it was insanely competitive for dating there. That's where I was from 2002 to 2009 — a competitive environment where the odds were stacked against me.

Then I moved to Tampa, Florida, and I did the same search on Match. It was two-to-one girls to guys. There were maybe a thousand guys that met the search criteria and over 2,000 girls. That's roughly four times easier of a ratio. And within a few months of moving here, I met my wife.

It didn't happen immediately. I went out with a girl that we both weren't that interested in, and I'm glad I broke up with her, even though she made it a little difficult. The girl I went out with right before my wife, we were not that compatible either. I remember right before I met my wife being so disappointed, like, man, is this all it's ever going to be — disappointment, loneliness, frustration? And I told myself, no. As long as I keep trying, it just has to work one time really well, and I'm good. And the girl I went out with after that was my wife. As soon as I went out with her, I'm like, oh my God, this girl is everything I've been looking for. It's just perfect — a 10 out of 10 in appearance, a beautiful personality compatible with mine. Wow, my life has been so good since then.

The universe tested me thoroughly, and I refused to take anything except exactly what I wanted. Now I have the happiest relationship out of anybody I know. Meeting my wife has been the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Getting prepared to receive what you want

Where I've seen a lot of my friends go wrong is that they settled. They knew they were with somebody that wasn't that great, but they were afraid of being single. They were afraid they couldn't do better. So they stayed out of fear. In other cases, people haven't got themselves prepared to receive what they wanted. It's unreasonable to expect that you're going to be attractive to someone who's really, really beautiful and fun and has a great personality if you don't have those things yourself. If you're not taking care of yourself, and you're poisoning your body, and you're overweight, and you hate yourself, then why would the person you want to be with be attracted to you?

I'm glad I got prepared before I met my wife. I had lost like 20 or 30 pounds living at home with my parents. I had got my life together, I was in school, and I was making myself better. That made me attractive to my wife. And she did help me work on a lot of the issues I had. A big part of why I'm here now is from her.

So in my experience, the universe will give you some serious tests. If you fail those tests, it just proves you didn't really want that thing. If you take less than what you wanted, then the universe is making sure: hey, do you really want that? It's important to be able to say no. If you know exactly what you want, a big part of it is saying no. No, I don't want that. That's not what I want. Then you get more and more specific. Sometimes you don't know what you want that well until something close to what you want is given to you. You date someone that's almost right, and that helps you get more clarity. I dig into more of how I think about all of this in facing harsh reality versus healthy fantasy.

The test I'm going through right now: restoring my eyesight

Let me put this in terms of something I'm going through right now. I am in the process of trying to restore my eyesight to 20/20. The last time it was tested, my glasses prescription was something like 20/60. That started when I was maybe in eighth or ninth grade. I remember one day looking out in the schoolyard and realizing that my distance vision was blurry, and I remember the horrible feeling that came with that. The prevailing opinion from the established medical sciences was that you're screwed — once you have myopia or nearsightedness, your vision never goes back to how it was before, and you just have to get glasses and contacts and deal with it. And that's what I did, from approximately 1998 all the way up until 2019. So for 21 years, I basically just wore glasses and contacts all the time and accepted that my vision is what it is and there's nothing you can do about it.

Then I started reading stories. I remember Wayne Dyer mentioned in one of his talks that his eyesight changed several times throughout his life. It went back to 20/20, then it had gone away from it, and then it went back to 20/20 again. In his 70s, he said his vision was now perfect again, and he could read and see very clearly. I heard a few other similar stories, and I came to believe that there are steps I can take to help my vision go back to 20/20 — because when it first changed, it changed without any medical intervention. It just changed as a result of my lifestyle and my behavior.

I remember seeing a hypnotherapist and having a cry and looking into the future, and I saw that one day I would have a story to share with people about how I got rid of my glasses and restored my eyesight to 20/20 — something a lot of the current medical literature and a lot of optometrists believe is not possible. Imagine that: this is something a lot of people don't even know is possible, or think is impossible, and I'm doing it.

At the time, I just stopped wearing my glasses, which were required for me to drive. I figured I'd quit wearing them and my vision would just go back to 20/20, and that all I had to do was intend it and not wear glasses. After driving a few times at night with the vision I had, it was good enough at slower speeds to see things clearly, but at night it was starting to feel a bit dangerous. So I resumed driving with my glasses on. From 2019 to 2024, I kept wishing and thinking about how nice it would be to get my vision restored, but I wasn't doing any actual work or learning related to facilitating that.

Here's a thing I've learned about making your life how you want it: there's manifesting, and thinking about exactly how you want it to be, and making a vision board. But that's really the minority of it. The bulk of it is doing the work in this reality to arrange things, make opportunities possible, and get the information you need and the people you need, and then executing on all of it to make the vision a reality.

Finally, a week ago, after five years of thinking about how my vision would one day be 20/20, it occurred to me how this connects to getting sober.

What getting sober taught me about doing the work

When I got sober in 2014 in Alcoholics Anonymous, I felt hopeless and desperate. I felt there was no way for me to get sober and like it, and I was sure of that. I made a desperate prayer to God — which to me is just a simple way of doing manifesting or intention setting. The prayer was, please God, I'll do anything to get sober. If you don't want to use the God word in there, you just say, I intend to do whatever it takes to get sober.

After that, my mind gave me a thought that going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting would be a part of "anything." So I went to AA meetings twice a week and started reading the book. It became clear that two meetings a week was not enough, and then the obsession to drink came back. This, in my belief, was the universe testing me: do you really want to get sober? I remember weeks of praying to God to get sober, and thinking about things people had said in AA, and then my mind flooding me with drinking thoughts afterward, and feeling like a completely insane person. If your own mind is chanting at you like that right now and you are white-knuckling through it, I have been exactly there and would be glad to talk it through with you when you join Jerry Banfield Family.

Then I finally passed the test by saying yes, I'll do anything it takes to get sober. I'll go to five meetings a week. I'll get massages to relax, because without drinking I didn't know how to relax, and massage is a very effective way to relax the body — especially if you don't know any other way to really relax without drinking or taking something. Massage showed me that you can get the same kind of effect you were looking for out of alcohol through other means that are all natural: massage, exercise, being careful about the books you read and the music you listen to. I passed the test by doing the work. When my mind was chanting drink, drink, drink, I did the work to stay sober. And I still, after almost 10 years sober — it'll be 10 years in April 2024 — I still go to five Alcoholics Anonymous meetings a week, because I don't want to forget. My mind goes to fear, and I keep choosing faith, which is the whole story I tell in my mind went to fear, but I chose faith.

Applying the same lesson to my eyesight

So a week ago I remembered that when I got sober, there was work required to reprogram my mind and my lifestyle in order to facilitate sobriety and make it comfortable and normal. I did that in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I realized: with my eyes, I can't just wish them into 20/20 vision. I clearly did things that got them out of 20/20 vision, therefore I need to do the work to get them back to 20/20 vision.

Not once in five years had I actually searched for a book about how to naturally improve your eyesight. So I went on ChatGPT and told it what I wanted to do, and it gave me a list of several books, some of which were written in the 1940s, others even earlier than that. These are books that have been sitting there since before my dad was born, that discuss how to keep your eyes healthy, how to naturally help your eyes if they've gotten into nearsightedness or farsightedness, and how bad eye habits contribute to bad vision. Staring is the number one offender for me. It's not like you stare at something once, but when you're used to staring all day, that's a way to get your eyes all stressed and to have them not seeing at long distance. The eyes are relaxed when they see at a distance clearly; it takes the eyes more effort to see up close. So all the video games I was playing, and all the daydreaming I was doing in high school — just blankly staring so I wouldn't get in trouble like you would if you had your eyes closed — contributed to it.

I've now read my way into my third book about natural eyesight healing, and my eyes are naturally shifting and moving around so much more. Over the last few years I'd just been staring. People have often commented that when I would talk to them, I would just stare into one of their eyes and hardly move my eyes, and that's not normal eye movement. It gives people a creepy, weird vibe, because normal healthy eye movement is looking from place to place, from spot to spot. I'm practicing that now. While I'm doing this work on the computer, I moved my office in the house with the intention that I can look past my camera, where I can see maybe 10 feet outside, and I can even look up into the sky. I change my focus from near to far, from near to far. At yoga, I'm looking all over the place with my eyes — up, down, around — and I'm paying attention to my peripheral vision. I'm putting in the work to manifest what I want.

Is my eyesight instantaneously going to 20/20? No. But what I'm seeing is the little improvements, the little glimpses. I remember a few years ago, after a massage where I'd had a good cry, sitting up on the table and for a moment looking outside and seeing all the blades of grass. I'm like, I'm seeing 20/20 right now. Almost as soon as I realized it, it went back to what I'm used to, maybe 20/40 or 20/60. So I'm so excited now, as I'm doing the work to reprogram my eyes and my mind to have healthy seeing habits, because I believe the universe is giving me a test: how badly do you want your eyesight restored through purely natural behavioral, lifestyle, and mental changes? I want it really badly, and I'll do the work every day. I'll go around and look all over the place. My wife usually looks from eye to eye very naturally, and I tried to keep up with her, and it felt so weird, like so much work.

Why the work feels weird at first

A person who's been in a wheelchair for a long time, who tries to get up and walk, feels like it's hard and weird and abnormal. But for those of us that are walking all the time, it feels normal, because we've done the work since we were a baby, lots of times, to strengthen our legs. A lot of people who are in wheelchairs — depending on the other physical issues going on — if they'll put the work in to start walking again, their muscles will develop and they'll be able to walk. My massage therapist has a dog that couldn't even hardly walk when she adopted her at 14 years old, and the dog is walking 12 blocks with her now, slowly walking more and more, because the muscles came in.

So in my experience, you need to understand that the universe tests you before your reality changes. Once you realize that — well, most people are not clear in the first place about what they want to manifest. A lot of us spiritual, manifester kind of people think that we should just think of something and it should instantly manifest. But that would make this reality boring, wouldn't it? If I instantly just thought, well, I want my eyes at 20/20, and they shifted instantaneously, I'd be bored with that. Like, well, now I want the world to blow up — and the world blows up — all right, now put it back together. It's the test that makes life interesting. It's the journey that makes it exciting. If you want more of how I approach this, I keep these conversations going in my Life playlist, and I share my fuller framework in how I hacked reality to get anything I want.

Sometimes the test shows you don't want it that badly

I hope this helps you pass your tests. The universe will give you tests in all kinds of areas, and sometimes the tests are there to reveal that maybe you don't want that thing that badly. For example, I was playing Marvel Snap the other day, and I lost a bunch of games, and the universe was testing me: do you really want to be a pro Marvel Snap player? And I'm like, no, no, I don't want to be a pro Marvel Snap player. I'm going to go play Returnal. I'm going to play a casual game and relax.

So here's to helping you pass those tests and make a life that empowers you, that you're really proud of, that you love and enjoy. I trust this helps you reach your peaks in your spirituality and your life. Much love, and I hope to see you again.

How I Hacked Reality to Get Anything I Want

From my video published February 25, 2024.

My friends, this is how I hacked reality to get everything I've wanted in my life, and I think you're going to love finding out exactly what's worked for me. First, if I were you, I'd be asking: do you really have everything? What do you have? I have my health, and to me that's the most important thing. I was very sick 10 years ago. I was dying. My mental health and my physical health were both a disaster. Since then I've eliminated alcoholism and all kinds of behavioral addictions from my life, and I eliminated many physical problems, like losing 80-plus pounds.

Next, you're probably wondering what I do for work. I'm a YouTuber, and I haven't worked for money for a very long time. I'm here doing this because I want to. Many of you think these things are impossible, but I'm going to tell you exactly how I believe you do it, right here. First, you need to know that I've already done it. I'm very happy. I love my life. I'm excited to wake up. I have a beautiful wife, two kids, and a life full of very supportive relationships.

My whole mission now is to help build a world full of wealthy people, and to help you. I don't even need any money out of this. I don't need any more views or reputation. I want you to have a better life because you're my neighbor. You're a part of this world, and there's so much sickness and suffering. The whole purpose of my life now is to serve others and enjoy my experience. But there's one key idea that makes all of this happen.

The one idea I'd take with me

If this body were to die, the only idea I'd care to take with me is this one. This, to me, is how you hack the whole matrix: I am God. I am the creator. All things are my creation. This entire universe, and everything and everyone in it, is mine. I have created all of it. And whether you use the singular, or you say "we," we are God, this is our universe, we have created all of this, whichever one feels more comfortable to you, the most critical idea to hacking this whole matrix is taking absolute, total responsibility for your own reality.

This is the most essential thing. Notice the people around you who are not doing very well. What do they not do? They don't take responsibility for their reality. They're just stuck in someone else's reality. When you realize this is mine, that I've created every single thing, it changes everything. If there's something good in the world, I created it. If there's something bad in the world, I created it too.

Another idea that goes right along with this is simulation theory, that this entire reality is kind of a video game, a holographic projection. And if there's another reality beyond that, it's still not the ultimate reality. The ultimate reality, the way I hold it, is that God is everything and nothing. Nothing in particular, no specific form, but all forms are created out of that oneness. This is the most important idea, because once you have it, everything else flows from that single idea. If you feel you're a victim, that you're out of control, that life is just being done to you, then you're stuck in the matrix. The key to exit the matrix, for me, is knowing: I am God, I am in control, I am the creator. I am, and anything you say after "I am," that's how you then manifest and shape this simulation. This is how you take from the formless and put it into form.

"I am" is how I create my reality

For example, I've used a lot of affirmations: I am happy, I am healthy, I am wealthy, I am wise, I am safe, I am love, I am God. In my experience, these affirmations all then manifest. And if you want what feels to me like proof this works, watch how other people do it backwards. They'll go around saying, I am weak, I am poor, I am stupid, I am so dumb. Or they'll project it out onto other people: they're so stupid, this world is so messed up, people are so mean, nobody understands. I believe the words you use are creating your reality.

And sure, there are people who behave foolishly in the world, because they make you appreciate wise people, and because you made the world to be interesting. If everyone had the exact same level of intelligence, you as the creator would be bored, and so you would change it. So I've hacked the matrix with just this single idea. This is the same place I'm coming from when I talk about the affirmations and guided meditations I practice day to day.

If the idea is hard, take it in a thousand forms

Now, if this idea is difficult for you, what you need to do is take in this same idea in a thousand different forms, over and over and over again, because that's how we learn. Many of you will feel massive resistance to me saying "I am God." You're like, no, you're not God. He's God, she's God, it's God. It's not you. I go to Alcoholics Anonymous five days a week to help others and carry the same message, and I see people cringe. They grimace when I say "I am God." They're like, the only thing I know for sure is that I'm not God.

And I understand that. Yes, this body and this mind by itself is just one body among many bodies. But who am I after the body and the mind are gone? Who am I after the soul and the ego are completely gone? God's all that's left. And that's me, and that's all of us.

So if this idea is hard, what I did is read hundreds of books and listen to thousands of hours of audiobooks with the same basic idea explained thousands of different ways. Some of the people who were really helpful include Eckhart Tolle with The Power of Now, and Wayne Dyer. I listened to hundreds and hundreds of hours of Wayne Dyer talks. If you boil it all down, that's the basic idea: I am God, and I am what I say I am. Wayne Dyer's books really helped me get out of this thinking that there's something wrong with me and that I'm separated from God. From that point, you also choose to take in that which aligns with what you want to be.

Be choosy about what you take in

The matrix has all this programming in it, and you've set this up to make it interesting for yourself. It's a little game you're playing, and a lot of the music, popular culture, news, and entertainment is designed to pull you a certain way. My kids, I told them no tablets last night, because it appeared they wanted to manifest something different. They said, well, can we watch the news? And I said, the news is created as a trick to fool you into thinking you're getting something interesting. What it's really giving you is the matrix mindset: this disempowered, "the world is just happening to you, you have no say in it, you are not God, other people are in power over you" mindset. Much of the reality around us is intended to trick you into accepting what you don't want. So it's very important to be choosy about exactly what you take in.

The easiest way to do this is to start tapping into how you feel, and becoming sensitive to it. This is the kind of thing I keep talking through every day with everyone in Jerry Banfield Family.

You can't hack reality while sabotaging your body

In order to feel that clearly, for me, you've got to strip down what you do to the body and the mind into absolute health. If you want to hack the matrix, sure, sometimes alcohol and drugs in my past would briefly open the matrix up and let me see through it. But then you come down, you're in a depression, you collapse deeper, you're fully held into it, and it seems hopeless to ever get out. So first, if you want to really hack the matrix and get whatever you want, you've got to stop sabotaging the physical unit you decided to incarnate in.

I remember deciding to incarnate in this one. And I'm not special. I know other people who've remembered choosing to incarnate in their own body as well, so you can remember that if you'd like to. You don't have to. It's up to you. I remember choosing my parents. I remember what you could think of as a soul and a body bonding. I remember choosing to enter the matrix, and remembering that I always have power to create in this little game I'm playing. If you want your reality to go your way, you can't get in your own way, and alcohol, drugs, and many other things out there will get in your own way.

So for me, I'm sober. I'm clean. I don't drink at all, ever. I've been sober almost 10 years in Alcoholics Anonymous. Absolutely no smoking. Minimum on things like junk food. I eat mostly whole plant foods, because these are nourishing for my body, they're filled with water, they're filled with nutrients. I'm in bed an average of eight and a half hours every night.

It's unreasonable to think you're going to hack reality without taking care of your physical body. A lot of the way people go about trying to hack reality is "work harder, push further, get four hours of sleep, three hours of sleep, and you're going to manifest all this money." That stuff can work in the short term, but you're going to pay for it in the long term. If you really want to hack this reality, you need to think patient and long term. The way you do that is to look at this existence, and this body, as a marathon. So you want to rest and relax as much as possible. That means getting your sleep and cutting all non-essential activities. This is a big part of why I believe in facing harsh reality instead of hiding in a comfortable fantasy.

I only want money that comes through joy

I also refuse to do any work just for money. If it's not done for joy, because I want to, then keep your dirty money. I only want money to come to me through joy, through happiness. I'd rather be doing this than anything else in the universe right now.

Why bad things happen

If you want to hack the matrix, we're talking about getting reality completely your way. Here's the final real trick of it: a lot of the questions you have can be answered by remembering, I am God, this is my reality, and this body and this mind are very temporary. A lot of us struggle with, well, why do bad things happen? On a human level, they happen to give us a chance to help each other. If nothing "bad" ever happened to anybody, we'd have no use for each other. We need each other when bad things happen. We need each other in an election year, where we can all lift each other up and say, look, let's unite and create this reality together. We don't need any authority figures, and the goal of all this is to help you find your own power inside.

The polarity of reality, and just being

All the things you have a problem with are based on you feeling that you don't have power inside. Someone asked me yesterday, well, Jerry, how do we get rid of all the malice in the world? The first step is to realize you are creating it. If there's malice in the world, you, as the creator of this universe, are creating that. There's a polarity in this reality. There's good and bad, beautiful and ugly. I'm at yoga sometimes thinking, why are there so many pretty people here, and why are there ones who aren't? And it's like, well, so the pretty people look nice by comparison. If everybody is pretty, nobody's pretty. There's a certain polarity to this reality.

Once you can feel the wholeness, once you can feel that you are both old and young, both ugly and pretty, both smart and stupid, both love and hate, then you can stop trying to be a good person and just be. That has helped me massively as a parent. Yesterday my kids were being a pain on the way home from the park. Before I got deep into this, it would have been, well, I can't be a bad parent by telling my kids no tablet time. Now it's like, no, I'm just a bigger kid than they are, and I want them to do what I want them to do right now. They're not cooperating with the nice approach, so we're going to use a little force, a bit of a nastier approach. And that doesn't make me a nasty person, because I'm neither nice nor nasty. I am zero and I am everything. I am infinity. That eliminates all this guilt and shame and negative programming and self-criticism and judgment. It's just, I am that I am, I'm here, and I'm grateful for this reality.

Holding on to now, with no death to fear

Sometimes with this mindset, you'll find you don't want to let go of this reality. The idea of knowing that you'll be alive, and you were alive before, and you had no concept of this reality at all, to me that just makes me want to really hold on and enjoy everything that's here today. To both be here now, and to realize I'll be there later. There's no death I have to worry about. Every day is another death. It's just a little different than yesterday.

Follow someone who's been where you want to go

If you want to hack the matrix, the same thing is true as with anything else: follow someone who's already been where you want to go, who has done what you want to do and has what you want to have. That's the spirit I share these thoughts in, and it's the same place I'm coming from when I tell the story of how my dog healed herself of a terminal disease, which to me is one more example of what's possible when you take responsibility for your reality.

So let's co-create a beautiful, amazing world together. Let's make a world of people who are empowered and strong and smart and happy and fulfilled. If these are the kinds of conversations you want more of, you can keep up with my newest videos in my Life playlist. So much love. I really appreciate your time here.

Telling Myself I Was Rich Until It Came True

From my video published February 25, 2024.

My friends, I told myself I was rich until it came true. I want you to know how I did this too, because I'm tired of living next to broke people who are then jealous of what I've got, who can't afford to buy your stuff, who go to jobs you hate and slave away and complain about life. I want you to have a strong, empowered life like I do, to have everything you want, so that you're empowered to go out there and help somebody else.

What is my biggest secret? My biggest secret is that I know I am the creator, and that which I desire will come to me. In the present moment, I say I am rich. Let me tell you a story.

2019: the worst financial position of my life

In 2019, after a lot of success online, after making millions of dollars and being a huge deal, I decided to go into this broke mindset, because I felt I deserved it and because it was going to make my life interesting. At the time, I was trying to build an online startup as a full-time YouTuber and a teacher of online courses. Long story short, I put myself in the worst financial position I've ever been in when my business ideas did not work out.

I was borrowing money on credit cards with cash advances just to pay the minimum payments. I tore through all of my wife's savings. She had to sell a Tesla that she bought in like 2016, just to help bail me out. I went to a bankruptcy lawyer, and she suggested I should declare bankruptcy, but it was only going to get rid of $50,000 of debt when I had over $600,000 including all the debt for my family, student loans, the house, and everything else. My net worth at the end of 2019 was minus hundreds of thousands of dollars.

At this time, I realized that I still was filthy rich, and I began thinking of myself as a wealthy person. I realized that I was going to create my life story. I would create my way out of this, and not only that, but I could determine how the story of my life would be told in the future. Did I want the story of my life to be told that I declared bankruptcy and just gave up on the debts I had promised to pay? Or did I want the story of my life to be told that he literally just decided that money would come to him, felt fantastically wealthy, and paid all that debt off straight up, no bankruptcy?

I remember walking out of the bankruptcy attorney's office thinking, this is what I feared and this is what I wanted, and now I'm going to crush this situation. I'm going to get money to come to me like it's never come to me before, and I knew this is what would happen. I went home to my wife and I said, look, it's time for us to manifest money. We've got ourselves in this situation, and I took the lead on it.

One hundred percent responsibility for my own life

My biggest secret is taking absolute, 100 percent responsibility for my life situation. Nobody else made me broke. Yes, other people came to my website and didn't buy my courses. Yes, I was banned from Udemy in 2016, and in some ways of looking at it, they unfairly took away a bunch of my income. My crypto investments got rug pulled. Yes, sure, other people did what they did, but I put myself in those positions. In my experience, I am the creator of my reality.

What worked for me was to completely own my reality and say, I am the one who put me here, I'm the one who decided to be where I'm at today, and therefore I decide where I'm going to go also. But you also need to enlist everybody else in your life to help you. And if you want to be wealthy, I've come to believe you need to feel wealthy right now and realize how much you've got right now, because that's what I did when I was at the top of the world.

At my lowest point in my whole life financially, five years ago, I realized two things. One, I did this to myself. I had every opportunity in the world and I made myself broke. Two, because I did this to myself, I can do this. I can get out of this also, simply starting with my own decision, saying I am rich now, and seeing how wealthy I am now. Doing affirmations like: I am healthy, I am wealthy, I am wise, I am safe, I am love, I am God. Doing those over and over and programming my entire being. If you are sitting at your own lowest point financially and cannot yet see how you would ever climb out, I have stood exactly there and would be glad to talk through it with you when you join Jerry Banfield Family and bring it to a weekly call.

There are many ways to be rich

When you read Think and Grow Rich, there are many ways to be rich. If you really want to be rich, it's not just about having money. Money is one way to be rich. Time is another way to be rich. Do you have free time? Can you afford to just play video games? Can you afford to just waste time? Because if you don't have that kind of time, if you are always busy, you are poor when it comes to time.

The way I see it, to really be rich, like I'm rich, I have my health. I have free time. I have wealth financially. My wife and I were just talking, and we have around $100,000 in cash liquid assets. We have hundreds of thousands in equity in our home. We have every material want satisfied, and we have plenty of financial security. Our net worth has gone up hundreds of thousands of dollars since we decided to manifest wealth. And here's the thing: not once did I show up and take a job. I didn't want to work. I kept doing work I love. I made over $100,000 in 2021 playing video games on Facebook. That, in my experience, is how you manifest wealth.

The secret, though, is knowing this. First, it is my responsibility where I'm at. Second, it's my responsibility where I'm going. Third, I will need other people to help me. Fourth, other people want to help me have what I want. And how will they do that? I have to help them get what they want. If I help you be rich, you will make sure I have enough to keep helping you. When I set out to build a world full of wealthy people, I am naturally taken care of.

Life is magical. It is magical. It is not reasonable or rational. It is not scientific or religious. It is magic. If you've watched Harry Potter, the only difference is we don't have wands and we don't usually shoot stuff out of our hands, although I've read stories of people who do. You think something, you take action based on the thinking, and you listen for the response.

How rich I was even at my most broke

Let me explain in detail how I got out of the worst financial situation of my life. It's because I knew how rich I was, that even when I was borrowing money off of credit cards to pay for cash advances, I didn't miss one meal. I didn't even miss getting a massage. I get a full-body, licensed-massage-therapist, professional massage, just to relax, and so y'all don't think it's something different. That was one of the first things I tried sober that helped get rid of the obsession to drink and get me back in my body. Not once did I miss getting a massage.

I mean, how wealthy are you when you're $650,000 in debt, struggling to make the minimum payments? My wife and kids, we all had enough to eat. We had a place to live. We had comforts like video games and TV. I had time to get massages. My wife had time and money to get the stuff she wanted. The kids had fun activities to do all the time. When I was the worst financially I've ever been in my life, I also realized, ironically, how rich I truly was. Yes, five years ago I had made my finances scarce, but I still had health. I had time. I had relationships.

Relationships are a huge form of wealth. It's no good being a millionaire if you're stuck in a house all alone and you don't have anybody you love. To me, that's poverty. Having people that love you is rich. Having your health is rich. Having free time is rich. Having a passion and a desire for living is rich. Having a clean, sober, very healthy, fully operating mind is rich. Having places you love going and activities you love doing is rich.

When I was the most broke in my life, I wouldn't say I was actually in as bad of a financial situation in terms of all the debt and the payments. When I was in college, I felt a lot more broke, even though financially I was in a much better situation. And many of you are in a much easier financial situation than I was in a few years ago. All you need to do, in my experience, is see how rich you are now. See all the wealth you have in your life. Because if you're used to focusing on what you don't have, and what's wrong, and who's wrong, and who's got more than you, then you're not focusing on that which you do have. I keep returning to this idea, and I went deeper on it when I asked myself, now that I'm already rich, so what do I do all day?

Even if you've got zero money, and your account's overdrawn, and you don't have any money and you don't have a job, I hope you've got time. You may be experiencing the time equivalent of winning the lottery. You've got all kinds of time to do whatever you want. That is a huge form of wealth that many people don't have. Are you healthy? I eat healthy. I eat mostly whole plant foods off the book How Not to Die. Having your health is a massive form of wealth. There are so many people with huge amounts of money who'd give anything to have good health. I've seen it in myself: my body and mind were very sick, and I've got them to be very healthy.

No matter where you're at today, if you can see the wealth you already have in your life, you can say, I am rich, I am rich. Even if you've only got one aspect of your life that you're rich in, you can say, I am rich in health. I am rich in free time. I am rich in friends. I am rich in a desire to give and serve others.

How I got out: a non-linear path

So I got out by having that mindset, because I'd read a whole bunch of books, and because I chose to have that mindset and think that way. And what did I do from there? I did whatever I could think of, whatever I was excited about every day, to try and help somebody else. And I followed a very non-linear path.

At the time, I had mainly been making money in crypto and creating online courses. In 2020, at the beginning of the year, crypto and online courses were both dead for me. I had almost no income coming in. I tried to do online courses and I got nothing. I got frustrated. I started an in-person show, which is what I was really excited to do. Often, magic flows from doing things where you feel joy, passion, and enthusiasm, like there's nothing you'd rather do. True wealth, in my experience, never comes to you from showing up grinding and being bored and sitting at an office wishing you were somewhere else.

That, to me, is a form of poverty, proof of poverty: that you don't value your time enough, that you don't think you're worthy enough to do something you care about, so you'll just show up somewhere and trade your valuable time for money. To me that shows a broke mindset. And this world is created with people who love doing all different things. You might think, well, Jerry, nobody loves to clean teeth. Wrong. Wrong. I've had a few teeth cleaners who are like, I just love being in people's mouths cleaning teeth. I'm like, thank God for you, because I need my teeth cleaned, and I'm glad there's somebody who loves doing it.

If you really want to change your life, I believe it starts from in here, but you're going to need everybody else's help. And when you start thinking, how do I help other people get what they want, you'll be amazed what other people can do for you. Sometimes it won't make any logical, rational sense until you look back on all of it.

I started an in-person show in June 2020. Now, you're going to say that seems like a really bad time to start an in-person show. And it was. It completely flopped. But it led me somewhere. People showed up for the first few, but financially it was a loss, and my wife was extremely tolerant. At the same time, when I barely had any money I could even get my hands on, I paid a guy who was living in a place called the Peace House a hundred dollars for an hour to coach me on expanding my mindset. My wife did really hate on that one. She was pissed that, as broke as I was, after I took all her money just to bail me out, because being married we're in this together, I then paid this guy a hundred dollars. And what did we do? We sat in a park and meditated and ran around and yelled, I'm free. But you know what? It worked. It worked. I felt free, and I started acting free.

Then I ended up quitting my online show, and I felt excited to get into Facebook gaming. And then I made a hundred thousand dollars the next year on Facebook gaming. Before the end of 2020, I made almost nothing and just lost money on Facebook gaming. Then in 2022, Facebook gaming blew up for me for multiple reasons, and then it was going downhill, and I got demonetized on that.

On my way to crypto millionaire

So I got into crypto, and I started saying, I'll be a crypto millionaire soon. I had a portfolio with $0 when I started. I started thinking I'm going to be a crypto millionaire when I had $0 in my portfolio, and I started buying what I could at the time, which was $50 a day. I also drastically cut all my expenses. A lot of you think, well, I'm going to be rich and then I'm going to spend all this money. To me, that's poverty.

I'm already thinking that, as soon as I get more money, I just want to give and give and give and help other people out. If you see a homeless person, give them $20. If you're wealthy, the least you can do is give somebody $20. If you've got $20 in your wallet and you're not going to do anything with it today, and you see someone that's that desperate for help, give them $20. Act like you're wealthy. As soon as I get more money, I immediately start trying to figure out how I can help others, how I can give more of this away. I don't need all this.

I've made about $10,000 a month so far this year on crypto and on my YouTube videos, and I'm on my way to being a crypto millionaire. I have about $50,000 in crypto today, and I bought less than $10,000 to get that $50,000. At this rate, in my own estimation, I'm going to be a crypto millionaire in a year or so. That, for me, is how you do it.

And I want you to do it, because wealthy people have time to serve others. Wealthy people can take care of themselves. Wealthy people have time to think about things that really matter. Wealthy people are not just servants who do what they're told. Wealthy people are strong people who think with their own mind. Although some wealthy people are scared people clutching onto their pearls and acting insane, and that's just sad. Don't be that kind of wealthy. Be the kind of wealthy where you've got enough to give to others. This is part of why I now try to focus on larger amounts of money rather than the scarcity I used to feel.

I did this same thing in 2014

So this is how I told myself I was rich until it came true. I did this same process in 2014, and then over the next five years, that's how I made millions of dollars online. I told myself. I remember sitting in my office in 2014, when I had been struggling to make money online, when I hadn't had a real job in years, and I remember looking at my office thinking, this is where I'm going to make my first million dollars. Most people would have seen no logical, reasonable, or rational way that should happen, but I set that as my destination.

I've now made well into the millions, multi-millions of dollars online. I've made as much as a quarter million in profit in a single year before, and my wife and I are on our way to having our highest-earning year ever this year. I'm so grateful, and I'm constantly giving as much as I can back to everybody else while paying down my debts, doing what I love, taking time to just have fun every day, being with my family, and taking care of my body, so I can enjoy every different form of wealth that I have. This affirmation practice runs through a lot of what I do now, the same as the affirmations and guided meditations I'm practicing in other areas of my life.

If this way of looking at wealth resonates with you, I share more of how I think and live in my Life playlist. I hope you can see how rich you already are, and I hope to see you again soon.

The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks Book Review and Summary

From my video published June 14, 2023.

I just finished reading The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks, and this was one of the best books I've read in quite a while. It was very thought provoking. It got me thinking about where my genius is and what I do best in my life. It also had a lot of great relationship tips and a way of thinking about all of your problems, from sickness to accidents to relationship and money troubles in your business and your health. Even though it was only about five hours long, it set off a massive transformation that keeps going forward in my life. I want to give you some of the key points here so that I remember them and learn them, and so that you might take a look at the book yourself.

Finding My Zone of Genius

One of the big things The Big Leap talks about is that there are these different zones you can operate in. A zone of genius is where you're doing something you love, where time feels like it's just flying, where you'd do it happily for free, and where you're creating something that also leaves other people feeling really good. You add some real value to the world. Through this book, I finally figured out my own zone of genius.

I know I'm excellent as a live streamer. Lots of people have applauded my abilities playing games and creating crypto videos. I don't think anybody would say I'm excellent as a musician, but I'm competent, I'm good enough. The key question, though, is what am I really best at? That's something we all want to look inward and figure out. What I got out of The Big Leap is that my genius zone is that I love learning new things and teaching them. That is what I'm really good at, and that's what I really love doing. It doesn't have to be a big deal, and it doesn't have to be done in any one particular medium.

What we often do is box ourselves into this tiny definition of a person: well, I'm just a competitive gamer, or I'm just a crypto YouTuber, or I'm just a housewife, or I'm just a lawyer. We box ourselves in, often into an area that we may be excellent at, but that often isn't our genius. Our genius zone is the thing we would love to do if we had the ability, the money, and the time to do it. For me, as a YouTuber and a Twitch streamer, I'm live on Twitch doing this now and uploading it to YouTube afterward. The key is figuring out what it is that I really love doing and really have to give to the world, because I have so much freedom. I could grind out crypto videos every day and make a great income, but that gets boring.

Why Everything I Do Gets Boring

I've had this big question for a long time. Why is it that everything I do always gets boring? Why is it that I get really good at all these different things and then either stop doing them or sabotage them? I finally figured it out thanks to this book and a conversation I had on Twitch. The answer is that I love learning something new and teaching it, and that's when I've thrived in what I've done online. When I was learning Facebook ads and teaching that, that's when I first started blowing up online and it started getting meaningful. I started getting lots of views and followers. I sold a course on Udemy that made over 100,000 in earnings for me and a quarter million in sales. Then I taught people how to do Udemy, and I taught people how to do YouTube. The reason I was so successful on Udemy is because it was a platform that supported me learning something new and then teaching it. I'd learn a new skill, create a course about it, put the course up, and make money.

I've wondered for a long time why Udemy worked so well when everything else seemed to hit a glass ceiling, where I'd get to a certain level and just couldn't go any higher. On Udemy I was in the top 10 instructors when I got banned. And yet Udemy was also limiting, because having to create a course on something was limiting in itself. For example, with playing video games, you don't really want to make a course on how to win Warzone games. I've wondered why, when I was playing Call of Duty Warzone, I was having so much fun and my channel blew up, right up until I won about 100 Warzone solo games. That's the point where I got sick of doing it, and that's when things started to go weird on Facebook.

I started playing all these other games and charging for co-streams, and then I figured out another way to be successful gaming on Facebook, playing retro games. That was fun until I was making over 10 grand a month playing retro games. But then I got sick of that too, and I brought it all down by suddenly changing my race with no warning. I could have easily let Facebook know ahead of time and they could have supported me, but I just threw it out there, and the negative reactions led to being demonetized and everything on Facebook falling apart. Then I made a new crypto channel, and as soon as I hit 10,000 a month on that and over 10,000 subscribers, I immediately got bored. I was playing Gods Unchained, and both times I quit was right when I was starting to get good at it, right when I was able to play in the highest division and start getting good amounts of weekend ranked wins. I quit when I got good at it.

This book finally helped me identify the common thread in everything I've done. I hope this discussion is useful for you to look through your own life and think, what if there's a story you could put to everything that would make it all easy to understand? I've been really frustrated in my business online over the years, not understanding that my genius is learning something new and teaching it. That's what I love doing, and once I get good at something, I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to grind out Warzone solo games when I've won four of them in a few-hour stream the day before. It's boring, and I always have to go somewhere new.

This book helped me see that when I'm consciously aware of my genius, I can set up my business to support it. Now I go live on Twitch with anything I'm doing, because that's the one place I can consistently show up. Then I make videos and upload them on YouTube, which brings lots of new traffic and records what I've done on Twitch. Everything is set up now with an understanding of what my genius is. I don't want to sell courses anymore, because some of the things I'm going to learn and teach don't support selling courses. I want to put everything I create out there for free and follow whatever my passion is. If I want to play a game, learn it, and get great at it, then I do that. And once I get good at the game, if I want to go make crypto videos or grow a new channel or make music or whatever it is, I've finally got my business set up in a way that can support my genius. This is why finding your genius in life is so important, and it's why this book was so helpful. If you can figure out what your highest offering to the world is and then set your life up around that, it makes everything so much easier.

How Success in One Area Can Sabotage Another

The Big Leap also covers how success in one area can often sabotage our life in other areas. This is why lots of people who are very successful financially have terrible relationships with other people. The book talks about how we've got a certain level of programming that says our life should only get so good, that we should only feel so many good feelings and have so many good things. This makes sense of why my business has been such a challenge while my relationships have been fantastic. My relationship with my wife, my kids, my mother, my going to my Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, my health, my life is absolutely amazing. The only area that's been a consistent challenge and a source of pain over the last few years has been my business.

Interestingly, the biggest financial success I've had in my business happened during the time when my marriage and my relationship with my mother were the most turbulent, in 2015 and 2016. Once my marriage started to get better and my relationship with my mother started to get better, the problem moved into my business, into the area of negative focus. This book makes clear the importance of consistently raising our beliefs and our ideas about how good our lives can be, and that we deserve lives as good as we can possibly comprehend. Many of the problems that manifest in our lives are really problems of I can't handle it this good. If my life is this nice, I've got to sabotage it. This is very obvious with things like addictions. In my experience, anytime my life would go well and I was drinking, my drinking would sabotage it. It also explains why, if you've just had a wonderful weekend trip with the love of your life, you'll often have some huge fight to bring yourselves back down to earth, and it'll often be over something stupid.

This has been an awesome book, and I've loved reading it. That's why I'm sharing it with you here, and why I'm going to keep cranking out vlogs about whatever I'm doing, which you can follow along with in my Life playlist. If this was useful for you and you want to hang out, learn alongside me, and direct message me, the best way to do that today is to join the Jerry Banfield Family.

Thanks a lot for being here and reading through my thoughts on The Big Leap. I hope figuring out your own zone of genius makes your whole life easier, the same way it has started to make mine.

Manifestation and Trust: How I Think About Faith and Money

On this page

Focus on Larger Amounts of Money and You'll Be Rich

Your time and attention are the scarcest things you have

The receipts, the parking, and the Entrepreneur Social Club

The wallet analogy

Look for the bigger opportunities instead

My Mind Went to Fear, But I Chose Faith

Catching the fear spiral

Money, the dentist, and trust

Saying goodbye to my dog

Trust is a muscle

All My Seeds Came Up on the Same Day

Trusting What I Can't See Happening Yet

Manifestation and Trust: How I Think About Faith and Money

On this page

Focus on Larger Amounts of Money and You'll Be Rich

Your time and attention are the scarcest things you have

The receipts, the parking, and the Entrepreneur Social Club

The wallet analogy

Look for the bigger opportunities instead

My Mind Went to Fear, But I Chose Faith

Catching the fear spiral

Money, the dentist, and trust

Saying goodbye to my dog

Trust is a muscle

All My Seeds Came Up on the Same Day

Trusting What I Can't See Happening Yet

Trusting the Universe With My Money

Everything Is a Transaction of Utility

A Single Word Cracked Open a New Future

Just Wait, and Life Gives You Exactly What You Want

$100 overnight and a community off YouTube

How quickly a life disappears

Sometimes you just need to wait

Why I still wash my own dishes

What an AA meeting reminded me about getting sober

What valuable work really means

Feeling useful as a YouTuber

The patio I refuse to pay someone to build

I Unlocked Feeling Is the Secret 5 Years Before I Found Neville Goddard

What "feeling is the secret" actually means

How I felt my way into being broke

Feeling wealthy at the very bottom

How the money started coming back

The first thing I ever manifested: getting sober

Relationships, and being in two places at once

Watch your "I am" statements

My eyesight: the hardest identity to change

Reinterpreting the symptoms

What seemed impossible 10 years ago

How the Universe Tests You Before Your Reality Changes

The biggest test of my life: finding my wife

Getting prepared to receive what you want

The test I'm going through right now: restoring my eyesight

What getting sober taught me about doing the work

Applying the same lesson to my eyesight

Why the work feels weird at first

Sometimes the test shows you don't want it that badly

How I Hacked Reality to Get Anything I Want

The one idea I'd take with me

"I am" is how I create my reality

If the idea is hard, take it in a thousand forms

Be choosy about what you take in

You can't hack reality while sabotaging your body

I only want money that comes through joy

Why bad things happen

The polarity of reality, and just being

Holding on to now, with no death to fear

Follow someone who's been where you want to go

Telling Myself I Was Rich Until It Came True

2019: the worst financial position of my life

One hundred percent responsibility for my own life

There are many ways to be rich

How rich I was even at my most broke

How I got out: a non-linear path

On my way to crypto millionaire

I did this same thing in 2014

The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks Book Review and Summary

Finding My Zone of Genius