I've been pretty sad and frustrated dating over the last few months, and I've learned a really valuable lesson. I can see that my thinking is not processing dating in a way that makes sense, because I've been focusing on how many women have not been nice to me, how many women have ghosted me, how many women immediately pulled away as soon as I responded with some enthusiasm, and how the women who have been interested in me are ones I'm not interested in at all. I've been focusing on the majority of the data — women who aren't interested in me, and women I'm not interested in.
I was thinking in quantity terms
This is difficult, because a lot of us think in quantity terms. But in dating, the way I'm seeing that I need to think is: all I need is an outlier. An exception. I'm actually looking for someone different. My focus on the majority is a completely ineffective use of my time and my attention, and it makes it harder to be ready for the one.
Body count is not success
I talked to a guy a couple of days ago telling me about how bad I'm doing because I haven't gotten laid in six months, and how his body count is so much higher than mine, and that makes him more successful. He told me about these women he's meeting online dating, bringing them straight over to his house, spending all this money on them, and he positioned that as him doing really great and me not. But he actually helped me isolate and see something: I'm not trying to convince a thousand different women to like me and sleep with me. That's not what I'm trying to do. I'm looking for one.
One woman for a deep partnership
I'm looking for one woman to make an amazing, deep, spiritual partnership with — to have more children with, and to be together with for the next 30 years. I hope maybe 40, 50, 60, forever. That's what I'm looking for. And that means I need one woman who's more than likely going to be unusual, a woman who's not going to respond to me the way the rest of the women have. One woman where, when we make eye contact, we both feel there's something special — instead of it being just her, or just me. In that sense, I essentially need to give up trying to court women generally, or please or date women generally. All I need to do is hold my space to be ready for my queen.
The Queendom Quest
My friend Lindsay Dorio wrote a book called The Queendom Quest that she dictated at my house, and it was a beautiful journey of exactly that: a clear focus, from her point of view, not on trying to convince men to like her, but on finding one man who would make a king — an incredible partner for her. It took her a few years through the journey, and it took her saying no to a relationship that was very satisfying materially, but not that satisfying in the depths, in the fullness of the actual relationship.
Dating is not a numbers game
This is what's difficult, because a lot of dating advice today is about increasing quantity. But unlike money — where simply making more, having more quantity of money, can certainly be fulfilling — relationships are not a quantity. Dating is not truly a numbers game. It's finding someone unusual. Not your regular "let me touch you, you're going to feel something" — unusual. And this has been a hard thing for my mind to wrap itself around: that it's okay if every single woman ghosts me, ignores me, is unattractive from my point of view, is unavailable, is inconsistent, is flaky. Literally every single other woman — that could be 999 women — could all say no, could all not be interested, and that is totally irrelevant. In fact, I can even say thank you for that, because it makes space for one woman to be different. And that's all I need: one woman.
The house analogy
It's just like a house. I don't need a whole bunch of houses. I don't need to go around and try to get every house to want me to move in — and you can see how silly that would be in terms of houses. Imagine if you moved your stuff into one house one day, then moved it into another house the next day. Sometimes you had days where you moved all your furniture into one house, then into another, then into a third. You'd see how unstable that was, wouldn't you? You'd see how unsatisfying that was. You'd sit there and reminisce about some of the houses you liked before, and wish you'd had time to live in them — but you moved in and threw all your stuff everywhere so quickly that you didn't even have time to appreciate it or make it into a home.
I've been living in this house now for like six months, and I'll tell you what, I want to stay here. Because the longer I live in a house, the more efficient it is. The longer I live in a house, the more I get to know the neighbors. I love the neighborhood. I've lived in a lot of different houses all over the world — Japan, Germany, all over the US. And what I can tell you is that having one house I love living in, where I know the neighbors, where I fit in, where I belong, is at this point worth much more than any amount of quantity or adventure or traveling I could do.
Letting 999 women clear space for the one
I'm saying this because it's what I need to remember today. This week, I've been so butthurt about it: this woman ghosted me after she reached out; this woman, as soon as I expressed a little interest, immediately vanished; this woman saw me again and didn't want to date me; and this woman, and that woman, and that woman. It's like — so what? All they're doing is showing you they're not the same. They're not the one. And the nicest thing those 999 women could do would be to clear space so that I can find the one.
The connection I wasn't looking for
I remember this girl I had a crush on a few years ago, when I was married. Not proud to admit that, but it happened. I wasn't looking for anyone. The two of us just started catching all these feelings at a yoga class. I didn't even talk to her, because I was trying not to have a crush — and she started talking to me first. She was in a relationship, I was in a relationship. We went to six or ten yoga classes together, and this huge connection just emerged. I wasn't looking for it, she wasn't looking for it, but the two of us, for some reason, were both very taken with each other. (I told that whole story in the yoga girl date story.) And I've gotten impatient about that recently — like, come on, man, I want that to happen again. That's what I'm looking for: a connection like that, where I'm not just trying to sleep with her right away.
Why I deleted the dating apps again
I know a connection like that is not going to happen on a dating app, which is why I deleted all the dating apps again. It did happen with my first wife — well, my ex-wife; I don't have a second wife — but it's a different time. It's not 2011 anymore. To me, dating apps are repulsing quality women especially, and quality men are finding that dating apps are not right. So I hope this is helpful for you, to focus on this: it doesn't matter what most men or most women are doing. It matters where you're going to locate that one person who will completely change your life — where the two of you will love each other so much you won't have to be lonely and single anymore, where you'll have a life beyond your wildest dreams. Where do you go to meet them? And how do you get yourself ready to meet them?
I know that increasing my body count and trying to hook up with girls is a guaranteed way to make it harder to find the one. I was debating this with my friend, and I told him: there's no way I would ever consider a girl to be my next wife if she immediately slept with me on the first date. No way. Because if you're doing that with me, or doing that with other guys, in my view you don't respect yourself. Maybe if you did that before — as I have — that's one thing. But the one is going to behave differently than the rest. This is where it becomes a bit of a leap of faith.
The grocery-store stare
One thing I do, when I was in sadness and thinking about all these other women, is I sometimes try to intentionally connect directly with the one, because I believe we're already telepathically connected. I remember back to my job in high school. I worked at a grocery store, and there was a girl who was just shockingly beautiful. I realized, when she looked at me — we'd been coworkers, and I don't remember anything special happening before — one day I went to check out in her line while I was on break, and she gave me this deep stare. I was like, oh my God, there's something here. And I realized: I don't have to do anything anymore.
I've been trying so hard to date. I've spent over $10,000 trying to date and meet all these women, and it's just been one humiliation ritual after another. And I realized all I need to do — like at that grocery store, where I wasn't trying to pick girls up, I was just there doing my job, being myself — this girl, who's still one of the most attractive women I've ever been out with, all of a sudden just took a liking to me. She made it clear, just by looking at me, that she was very interested in me. I immediately asked her out and went on a date. I wasn't prepared for what happened — I'll go into that in another video. But I realized that's all I need to do: show up, and this will happen again. And ironically, it'll be easier to happen when I'm just thinking about YouTube and building my business.
Find the one
So if this helped you, that's the whole point: stop trying to win the many, and get ready for the one. If you want more of how I think about dating, relationships, and building a life you don't have to escape from, I share it on my Dating playlist, and I've got a community for exactly that journey — from being single to being married and having family — over at jerrybanfield.com.