It’s not you. It’s the dating apps.
I’ve spent a decade in the online dating world, and while I did meet my first wife on Match.com back in 2011, the landscape has deteriorated dramatically since then. I’ve recently gone back onto Bumble, Hinge, Tinder, and others just to see what the modern experience feels like. After diving in again, what I can tell you is simple and blunt: these dating apps are horrible. In these pages, I’m sharing not only my experience but also what I’ve observed and learned from other people, because I want you to have a clear understanding of what’s really going on.
If you’ve tried deleting dating apps and always found yourself reinstalling them because you don’t know what else to do, this book is for you. If you feel the apps are toxic but have no clear path forward, this book is for you. If you want honest insight into what these platforms look and feel like from the inside—not just for you, but for many others—I’ll share all of that here.
My primary hope in writing this is actually personal. I want to remember that dating apps are never an option for me again. They’re a waste of time and a direct sabotage of my real life. I wrote a book called I Was Famous on the Internet, where I explained what the top levels of online fame genuinely look like and why I deleted millions of followers. The truth is, the same psychological dynamics show up in dating apps: the illusion of possibility, the addiction to swiping, and the emptiness that follows. If you understand those patterns, you’ll see the connection immediately.
Let’s get directly to the point. What I’ve observed—both in my life and in the stories of many others—is that dating apps are a waste of time and a waste of money for most people. The results, regardless of who you are, tend to be zero. In the last month alone, as a soon-to-be-divorced dad at age forty-one, I put somewhere between 10 and 20 hours plus $200 into three different apps: Hinge, Bumble, and Tinder, the most popular options in Saint Petersburg, Florida. I haven’t tried Facebook Dating because I don’t have a Facebook profile anymore, and without an established profile with hundreds of friends, it’s not worth bothering with. Even if you do have a built-out profile, Facebook Dating has many of the same fundamental issues as the other platforms while also running the risk of using the app addictively to watch reels and scroll indefinitely.
I even tried a niche sober-dating app and still got absolutely no activity. What I noticed most consistently was how terrible I felt after using any of these apps. Every session left me with that sickened sense of wasting my time—time I could have spent writing this book, which might earn me $10,000+ and help a lot of people. Creating something like this feels like a meaningful contribution. Swiping for an hour accomplishes nothing.
I did technically get matches on Tinder, but every single one of them was a bot, a spam account, or a blatant fake. On Bumble and Hinge, I spent hours adjusting settings, using the premium features, and experimenting with every possible strategy—tight geographic filters, wide geographic filters, niche interests, broad interests. I swiped generously on anyone I found remotely attractive. I sent messages and boosted my profile. I used super-likes and compliments. I did everything these companies claim will increase your chances. Weeks later, I hadn’t received a single real match.
And I know the natural temptation if you don’t know me is to think, “Well, maybe you’re unattractive or overweight or your profile is bad.” No, it’s the apps. I’ll share examples from people who objectively have more to offer than I do—at least in the categories dating apps claim to reward—and they’re getting nearly identical results.
In person, it’s a completely different story for me. I consistently have great conversations with women, get phone numbers, and connect with attractive women who genuinely want to spend time with me. My soon-to-be-ex-wife, at the time I’m narrating this, is beautiful. We have beautiful children. I had a very attractive wife for 12 years. I’m a good-looking man—probably an eight if you like a clean-shaven guy with short hair. I’m athletic and in shape. A few days ago I played singles tennis for 2.5 hours, sprinting around the court the entire time. There’s nothing structurally wrong with my face; everything is symmetrical. I go to yoga, and over the last several years I’ve had crushes on a couple of gorgeous women there, women who clearly liked me back even while I was married, which was its own form of torture.
I have a lot to offer. I’m not pretending I’m a ten, but I’m nowhere near the bottom. I’m an author—which is a turn-on for a lot of women, though not all. Some don’t care, but those who love books get genuinely excited when they find out what I do. I put real effort into my dating profiles with five or six different pictures—dressy ones, athletic ones, photos with my dogs. I showed my profile to my soon-to-be-ex-wife and she said it looked accurate and appealing, much better than the Match.com profile she liked back in 2011. I’ve shown it to other women. I’ve shown it to ChatGPT. Every piece of feedback I received was positive. I made every suggested tweak. Not one real match.
I’ve swiped yes on hundreds of profiles. Not one match on Hinge. Not one match on Bumble. That’s over ten hours of time, thousands of swipes, and hundreds of dollars in premium payments. On Tinder, the only “matches” were catfish accounts and bots. If that’s what I’m getting, most men are getting far worse.
Now, are there men who outperform the rest of us on dating apps? Yes. I found one example on Reddit that finally convinced me to delete all these apps for good. This guy presented himself as a top-tier outlier. According to what he wrote, he’s thirty-seven years old and around a nine in attractiveness. He earns a great income and rated himself very highly in almost every category. He said he spent over $3,000 on professional photos, including coaching on modeling and posing. I’ve actually seen women with similar photos—high-end, professional, curated shots—so I believe him. I’ll talk about one of those women in a later chapter, along with what the dating experience looks like for women, because it can be brutal for them too despite the illusion that they have endless options.
Back to this guy. He said he’s a digital marketer, which I am as well. He rated his sales copy—the words on his profile—at nine out of ten. I’d rate mine at least an eight. My photos maybe a seven. I didn’t spend $3,000, but I put in real work.
He claimed he matched with about 20 to 30 percent of the women he liked. Compared to that, I didn’t get a single real match on Bumble or Hinge. He said he would spend 30 minutes to an hour a day swiping and messaging, getting several matches he found attractive every day. When he traveled to a big city, he received hundreds of likes in the first few days. He said he dated for years using dating apps and accumulated thousands of matches—thousands of mutual likes where both sides wanted to connect. But even for him, the top-tier outlier with professional photos, money, looks, and perfect marketing, about ninety-something percent of his matches never responded at all or fell off early in messaging.
The Illusion of Connection
My experience on Tinder matched the pattern I kept seeing everywhere: occasional “matches” with profiles that looked attractive, followed by a single reply that didn’t even acknowledge the message I sent, and then complete silence. This was identical to what the guy on Reddit described. If he had thousands of matches, and around nine hundred of them never responded after the first message—or disappeared immediately afterward—that tells you something is deeply broken. A tiny percentage of conversations dropped off because of him, but the overwhelming majority were women disappearing for no reason. Then there was another small slice where the conversation died the moment he tried to move things into real life. He estimated that only about 2% of his thousands of matches resulted in an actual meetup.
Out of the twenty or so women he met in person, he said only a couple were women he would have approached in real life. He got a few hookups, but the rest of the connections fizzled or felt flat. What stood out most was how much time and energy he admitted spending. He said the hours he invested were “truly shocking,” putting in five to ten hours a week just to secure a handful of dates. That’s more than some people put into a part-time job.
His concluding observations were clear. He said Hinge was the best of the major apps, while Bumble and Tinder were garbage, and that the rest weren’t even worth downloading. His theory—and it’s one that makes sense to me—is that the app companies inflate activity using old or inactive profiles, bots, and possibly overseas contractors to simulate engagement. Based on my background as someone who once had millions of followers online, I have a pretty good intuitive sense of what happens behind the scenes on platforms that depend on endless engagement. That’s exactly what it felt like while I was using these dating apps.
These companies make enormous amounts of money, and their profit depends on keeping users swiping, subscribing, and staying hooked. They make the most money when you never actually find a partner but keep believing you’re close. That creates a massive incentive for them to cheat. It would be trivial for them to recycle old photos, run bots, or hire overseas contractors to manage thousands of fake or semi-active profiles at a time. These workers might earn a few dollars an hour while keeping the illusion of activity alive. According to him—and this matches my experience exactly—there’s an enormous amount of bot-driven or fraudulent activity on these platforms.
He also said that most of the women he met weren’t women he would have approached in real life. My results were nearly identical. Before marrying my wife, I used dating apps between 2002 and 2011, back when the bot problem was much smaller. Profiles were more real, the apps were cheaper, and many were free. Scammers existed, but nothing like today. Even back then, the reality of going out with someone from dating apps was often disappointing. I learned the hard way that many women posted old photos, and you’d show up on a date to discover they were a hundred pounds heavier than the pictures. Over time I did get hookups, and I even got a girlfriend during that era, but the process was still clunky and unpredictable. Fourteen years ago, dating apps were better—but even then, they weren’t great.
Today almost all the major apps are owned by one giant company, Match Group, and the entire ecosystem feels corrupted. Something feels dark behind the scenes, something beyond normal corporate behavior. Just logically, even if you strip away emotion, it shouldn’t be this bad. You see women on their profiles complaining about these apps all the time. That alone proves it's not just a “men’s issue.” The guy on Reddit’s experience mirrors what another friend of mine went through, and this friend is someone I know extremely well.
This friend is a good-looking guy in person. He and I could practically be stand-ins for each other. I’m 5'11", tall enough to avoid triggering the height filter that knocks so many men out of consideration before they get started. Women often prefer taller men, and I’m right at the sweet spot. I weigh around 175 pounds with about 125 pounds of muscle. The guy I’m talking about locally is almost identical—tall, fit, athletic. He easily hooks up with attractive women he meets in person. I’ve literally watched him do it. He can walk up to a hot woman, say a few things, and they’re flirting immediately.
On dating apps, though, I asked him what his experience had been. He told me he estimated he’d put around 1,000 hours into dating apps over the last decade. Hundreds and hundreds of matches, possibly over a thousand, similar to the Reddit guy. Out of all of that, he only met two real women. One of them was a gorgeous girl in her early twenties, but she came from a seriously dysfunctional home and seemed desperate to escape it, so their connection didn’t go anywhere. The other woman wasn’t attractive online or in person, and he didn’t want a second date.
He said, “Jerry, I’ve tried all the dating apps. I’ve spent hundreds, maybe a thousand hours on them. I met two actual girls. That’s it.” And I believe him completely. If he had spent those 1,000 hours approaching women in person, he probably would have met his wife—maybe multiple times. Instead, all those hours evaporated. Nothing to show for it.
These stories combined with what I read from the Reddit guy, who posted that account just seven days ago, gave me clarity. His experience, my friend’s experience, and my own all arrive at the same conclusion: it’s not you. It’s the dating apps. Something is rigged. The companies are probably cheating by manipulating engagement, pumping fake activity into the ecosystem, and keeping people stuck long enough to drain money out of them. I'd rather spend that energy building a real life with people doing the same, which is exactly what happens inside the Jerry Banfield Family.
The Business Model Is Designed to Trap You
The business models behind these dating apps are incredibly predatory. Their primary goal is to push you into buying premium features, and they make that extremely easy by hiding the very information you want most—who liked you. They know that once you hit that invisible wall, you’ll be tempted to pay just to see one face. And because bots or low-quality contractor accounts can drop a like on your profile at any moment, you get excited, upgrade your subscription, and then immediately discover that the “like” wasn’t worthwhile at all.
Another harsh reality is that a large percentage of the real profiles on these apps are women I’m simply not attracted to—most commonly extremely overweight or entirely incompatible with me. Out of the one like I did get on Bumble, it turned out to be a woman who was significantly overweight, someone I would not have approached in person. I choose to spend $30 just to find that out. So there I was, paying money to learn that a woman I wasn’t interested in liked my profile. After that, I swiped harder and harder, and not a single attractive woman liked me back on Bumble. On Hinge, I didn’t even get the courtesy of one big girl. I got nothing. And on Tinder, all I encountered were catfish accounts.
Catfishing is a massive problem on these platforms, especially on Tinder. I’ve heard the same is true for Facebook Dating, which is apparently filled with scammers. If you’re not familiar with the term, a catfish is essentially a scammer pretending to be someone they’re not. Many of the “hot girl” profiles you see on dating apps fall into two categories. The first category is girls who are pushing their OnlyFans accounts. They create dating profiles not to meet anyone but to drive traffic to their Instagram or Snapchat. Once you follow, the funnel begins: they work to get you to subscribe to their OnlyFans. I saw so many gorgeous-looking profiles with Instagram handles in the bio, and it’s pointless to swipe on them because most of the time those women aren’t even checking the app. The profile exists solely to build their follower count elsewhere.
If someone lists an Instagram or Snapchat on their dating profile, that’s almost always the workflow. Occasionally you might stumble onto a real person, but even then your first message may land in their filtered folder and never be seen. These profiles aren’t looking to date you—they’re looking to drain you financially. Another manifestation of this is escorts. I even saw a profile that flat-out said, “I’m just here for business purposes,” which is code for paying for sex. These women are on the apps to take money from you, not build a relationship.
Then there are the profiles with no women behind them at all—just men running scams. I know a guy who used dating apps constantly for years. He’d swipe on these hot profiles, then jump over to Instagram to find them, follow them, like all their photos. And when he did successfully connect with some of them on either platform, it was always the same pattern: they would soon start asking him for money. Over the years, he ended up sending thousands—maybe even tens of thousands—of dollars to scam accounts. They always had dramatic stories ready, like, “I’m being kidnapped right now and I need $1,000 to pay the ransom,” or “My family is starving,” or “I need money to travel and see you.” This guy truly believed he was forming emotional connections. But in almost every case, the messages were coming from a man posing as a woman, slowly working him over. The rare times he got to FaceTime someone, it was usually a woman overseas, often hiding her face or claiming she couldn’t talk, which only made the whole situation more suspicious. He lost a lot of money to catfish accounts he originally found on dating apps.
I’ve developed an intuitive sense for these fake profiles. When one of them matched with me on Tinder, I could feel immediately that it wasn’t a real woman. It was someone setting me up to send money while giving me absolutely nothing in return. When you put all these experiences together, the picture becomes painfully obvious.
Some people might say, “What about the couples who met on dating apps?” And yes, those couples exist. That is actually part of the trap. Dating apps work just enough of the time to keep you addicted and hopeful. But the larger question is whether you would have met someone else anyway if you weren’t wasting time swiping. In most cases, the answer is yes. If I had spent the 10 or 20 hours I wasted on dating apps going to a run club with lots of attractive women, or volunteering somewhere, or getting a job where I’d naturally interact with women, or smiling at women in the gym, or even working on my books in a café, I probably would have met someone in person.
Dating apps do work sometimes—randomly, unpredictably—and yes, I met my first wife on Match.com in 2011. I once got a girlfriend just by randomly friending women on Facebook back when that was possible. And years ago, I had many more dates from dating apps. But today the apps feel worse than ever, and the time and money required to even get a chance is simply not worth it. There’s a massive opportunity cost: all the things you could have been doing with that time instead of sitting at home staring at your phone. There’s also a hidden psychological cost. The apps give you the illusion that you’re doing something meaningful by swiping, as if you’re actively working on your dating life. But in reality, they drain you. When I’m not using dating apps, I’m much more motivated to approach women in person and design my life so I naturally cross paths with women. When I’m using the apps, I feel like I already “put in the effort,” so when I’m out in real life I find myself thinking, “I already swiped for an hour today. I shouldn’t have to pick someone up in person.”
We’ll talk later about what to do instead of using dating apps, but this first section is about making one thing absolutely clear: it’s not you—it’s the apps. They create an experience that almost nobody actually enjoys. Nearly everyone using these platforms is only there to get through the app as quickly as possible and eventually meet someone in person. Dating apps are like the old saying about going around your ass to get to your elbow—massively inefficient even when they “work.”
Soon we’ll dive into the alternatives, but before that, let’s talk about what the experience is like for women on these apps, because their side of this is just as revealing.
Women Hate Dating Apps Too
Dating apps from a woman’s perspective are not the fantasy a lot of men imagine. Yes, I’m a guy, but I’ve talked to many women about their experiences, and the reality is that dating apps aren’t great for them either. Even for attractive women, the platforms usually push them into paying for premium versions because they can’t see who liked them without upgrading. And while people assume good-looking women get flooded with matches, that’s not how it always plays out. Swiping takes time, matches often take days or weeks, and many women prefer to check their likes first rather than blindly swipe through strangers.
A friend of mine recently tried dating apps for a few months after taking several years off. She signed up for Hinge and immediately paid for the premium version. She’s in her forties, attractive in person, athletic, sober—a genuinely high-quality partner for any man looking for something real. Yet she told me there were weeks where she didn’t match with a single person. Think about that as a guy: a woman you would assume could get picked up effortlessly in real life, and she went weeks without one match. Most of the likes she did receive were from men she had no interest in. Occasionally she would get several matches at once, but those conversations usually went nowhere.
A lot of the messages she received turned sexual immediately, at which point she would unmatch the guy. Even with men she genuinely liked, many of them stopped responding, ghosted her, or simply never followed up. After several months on dating apps, she only went out with one man. They’re still dating today, and it seems like a genuinely good relationship, but the reality stands: a woman who is attractive, sober, and athletic got one date out of months of effort.
For an average woman, or especially for a woman who is overweight—which accounts for a large portion of the real profiles on these apps—the experience can be brutal. Many overweight women either try hard to avoid showing their bodies or swing to the opposite extreme, posting overtly sexual photos, posing in bras and panties, or using cleavage as their lead picture. Dating apps push women into sexualizing themselves for attention, and the male response pattern reinforces it. But being immediately sexualized is not a positive experience. It’s exhausting. And it’s not what most women I know actually want.
Women who use these apps often tell me that a noticeable percentage of the men they match with are only interested in hookups, and many push aggressively for sex on the first date. Most women I know want a real relationship. They want someone who courts them, takes them out, gets to know them, and builds a friendship first. Trying to do that on dating apps is difficult because the men on these apps are often not looking for that kind of connection.
Some men do find success. I’ve got a friend who met his girlfriend on Hinge a couple of years ago. He was on the multiple apps for months. This guy is over six feet tall, a yoga instructor, a good-looking man in great shape. Before meeting his current girlfriend, he went out with a woman online who turned out to be toxic. She didn’t like that he still lived with his dad in his late thirties and already had a child, and the whole thing ended badly. He had just about given up when he matched with an amazing woman. They’ve been together for years now. But again—he’s tall, he’s ripped, he’s a yoga instructor and personal trainer. He’s not the average man with a belly, a patchy beard, and zero fitness routine.
Yes, sometimes people do meet someone great on dating apps. But that’s the exception, not the rule. When you look at many women’s profiles, you see bitterness, exhaustion, and sadness. A lot of them hate being on the apps. Many women I’ve talked to refuse to use dating apps at all anymore. One woman I spoke with recently—late twenties, wants kids, very attractive, extremely compatible with me in several ways—said she wasn’t dating anyone at all because dating apps had burned her out. Too many men pushing for hookups. Too many bad experiences. She gave up on the whole process.
When women use dating apps, it keeps this hope alive for men that maybe someone real is out there using them. But the ratio on these apps is skewed. There are far more men than women, and the women who are on there often feel overwhelmed, exhausted, or unable to find what they’re looking for. Things rarely play out the way people expect.
I know another woman—truly stunning, at least the last time I saw her a couple years ago. She’s one of the women I had a crush on and she liked me back. It got uncomfortable because she knew I was married, and she said she didn’t want to repeat her pattern of getting involved with men who were taken. I reassured her we were just being friendly, but in hindsight now that I’m getting divorced, part of me wishes I’d just separated sooner and married her instead. She’s a perfect ten—absolutely gorgeous. Even though I was married at the time, I got her phone number the first time I met her and saw her every week for a year or so during which time she was not dating.
Her experience on dating apps? After a year of not dating, she ended up meeting a man who looks a lot like the yoga instructor I mentioned earlier. But she had to drive an hour to see him because there were no good matches in her own city. Again—this is a woman who could walk into a grocery store and have men passing out she’s so hot, yet on dating apps she chose to travel an hour away just to meet someone decent.
She’d been through a hard chapter and come out of it healthy and grounded, and she wanted a partner living the same kind of stable, sober-minded life. She met this guy. He was tall, muscular, good-looking—but not stable. His sobriety was shaky. He was struggling with his career. Within a month, he got her pregnant. They got married, and he relapsed and went back to drinking. She divorced him. And this is a woman who looks like she stepped off the cover of a fitness magazine.
You would assume a woman like that could have any man she wants on dating apps. But dating apps push women into superficiality. They get flooded with likes and can’t tell one man from another, so they rely on easy shortcuts: height, muscles, fitness. And that’s how she ended up choosing the guy she met instead of someone similar to me—someone she liked, respected, connected with, and trusted. Someone who was sober longer than she had been. Someone she had real emotional chemistry with. But on a dating app, she certainly overlooked fifty guys like me in favor of a personal trainer.
That’s what dating apps do. They distort everything—real compatibility, natural chemistry, sobriety, values, long-term potential. All of it gets buried under superficial metrics that don’t tell you anything meaningful about someone’s character. If you want help getting honest about your own dating life and what's actually working, you can book a 30-minute Zoom call with me.
Why Dating Apps Make Everyone More Superficial and Desperate
When a woman is on dating apps and has what looks like her pick of the best-looking men, it does not put her in a strong position. Even my friend who is a perfect ten went out on a date with a guy who was completely wrong for her and annoying before she met the man who eventually got her pregnant. That is the trap: even if you are an incredibly beautiful woman, dating apps still push you into bad decisions, because they encourage you to choose based on surface-level traits rather than real compatibility.
Using these apps tends to create a kind of desperation. This beautiful friend of mine ended up in a situation where a man she barely knew got her pregnant, even though there were clear red flags. I told her that his sobriety was shaky and that I was sure she could do better. Everyone close to her was telling her to slow down, and here she was rushing in with a guy who had barely gotten his own life together. But because she was desperate for connection and had instant access to attractive men through the apps, she ignored all of that. The second man she went out with from the apps got her pregnant. A few years later, she is now divorced and a single mom. She made her life much harder, even though she had been in a position where she could have had almost anyone. I knew at least ten men that would have given anything to be with her and might have had a much better relationship outcome.
That is one of the darkest parts of dating apps. They make it hard to see what actually matters in a person and incredibly easy to focus only on the surface. When you are scrolling through profiles, it becomes second nature to prioritize looks, height, muscles, and money signals over character, values, and long-term suitability. The whole system is designed to emphasize the shallow.
I talked to someone else who had insight into how high-end men use these apps. He said that if you are the kind of guy who can offer women access to yachts, private jets, and luxury experiences—and you signal that in your profile—you end up attracting the majority of the hottest women on these apps. That is what the most attractive women are often responding to in that environment. Suddenly it makes sense why so many profiles read like they were written by bots and mention “travel” constantly. A lot of women are on these apps looking for men who will fly them out, take them on yachts, do drugs with them, or pay to show them the world. They are not sifting carefully through personality traits. They are overwhelmed and not investing energy into evaluating character. Dating apps are simply too shallow of a medium to let your real personality come through.
What you truly need for compatibility is personality. My incredibly attractive friend did not just need a good-looking guy; she needed someone who genuinely cared about her, was compatible with her, and had solid sobriety and stability. She needed a man who would not start drinking again and threaten to blow up her entire life. She needed someone who could take care of himself emotionally and spiritually, not just someone who looked good in photos. You cannot see that in a set of curated pictures and a couple of lines of text.
Guys know that posting pictures that signal money or fitness gets more attention, so they double down on that, even when they have deeper qualities to offer. For women, even the hottest ones, it becomes nearly impossible to sort through the endless stream of men. It is incredibly hard to pick a winner when everything you see is just images and one-liners. My friend did not pick a winner; she picked a loser. If she had picked a winner, she would probably still be happily married with a stable partner and maybe more kids. Instead, she chose a man who relapsed, and the relationship collapsed.
With just a handful of photos and a short bio, it is almost impossible to tell who is truly a good man and who is hiding major issues. You really need to see someone in person to feel them out. Women, especially, need to see men in real life to get a proper read. From a man’s perspective, unless we are cartoonishly superficial and able to flash photos of yachts, jets, designer clothes, and stacks of money, we struggle on these apps because many of the things women love about us, like a sense of humor, can only be observed in person. And even if we can signal wealth like that, we mostly attract women who only want those things, which is not what most men are really looking for.
Most of us men shine in person. Men often are shallow enough to swipe based almost entirely on whether a woman is physically attractive, and many of us will tolerate nearly anything if she is hot enough. Women, however, are much more energetic and intuitive in how they read men. They feel our vibe in person. They pay attention to presence, eye contact, tone, and behavior. They need to meet men in real life to see who we actually are and whether we are compatible. If my friend had refused to use dating apps and trusted her intuition in person instead, I am certain she would have ended up with a much better partner.
This woman was so beautiful that tons of men knew her and were in love with her. I like to think I was one of the few who could have genuinely dated her if I had been single, but whether that is true or not, the point stands: she could have had her pick from hundreds of men she knew in real life. Men whose character, stability, and energy she could have read clearly over time. If she had stayed off dating apps, I believe she would have found a healthier relationship with someone who truly fit her life.
But because she had access to dating apps, she got pulled out of her natural environment and into that superficial marketplace. She was not really using her intuition. She was desperate, he was good looking, they were sexually attracted to each other, and a few years later the story ended in divorce. That is the pattern these apps create over and over again.
For men, we need to be seen in person for women to fully appreciate who we are and what we bring to the table. And we need to see women in person as well, because many women look far better in real life and have a kind of energy you will never feel from a profile photo. If you are a regular-looking guy, you can absolutely attract a very attractive woman based on your personality, presence, and sense of humor. A lot of women say in their profiles that they want a man who makes them laugh, but it is nearly impossible to demonstrate that on a dating app.
I know a guy who is short, and he has had attractive partners in real life—a beautiful ex-wife and another attractive woman he met at work. He is always able to flirt and get women to like him and pick them up in person because he is funny, playful, and engaging. On a dating app, though, he would struggle because his height gets screened out by filters. Women will superficially screen against short men the same way men screen against weight. In person, this guy can completely bypass that barrier with his personality. Online, he cannot show that off effectively.
That is the core problem: on dating apps you cannot show much beyond the superficial. You can post a few photos, write a few lines, and that is it. So even for most women, dating apps are miserable. I know you might have friends who met their partner on a dating app, but in many of those cases, I sincerely believe they would have met someone else—possibly someone better—through real-life activities. The story of how they met would likely have been more meaningful too.
Which brings me to an important question: what do you want your story to be?
My story with my first wife is that I met her on Match.com after nine years of mostly dating online. From 2002 to 2011, aside from a year and a half with one girlfriend and three months with another, I spent most of my dating life on apps and websites. I wasted an enormous amount of time. I was constantly trying to pick women up in person as well, but I spent so much time on the apps that it took away from the opportunities I could have had offline.
The hottest girl I had sex with during that entire period was someone I met in person at work, not online. She was an absolute ten. I would have never matched with her in a thousand hours on a dating app. Back then, I was maybe a seven or eight at best and more overweight than I am now. But because we met at work, she got to know me, and we ended up having sex and falling in love. It became really toxic, and I wrote about that whole situation in my book Officer Banfield—she was the dispatcher. That relationship never would have happened through a dating app, but it did happen because we saw each other every day in real life.
I want my story to be that I met someone in real life—at yoga, at a meeting, at a café, at the gym, at a book event—somewhere where our paths crossed naturally. I do not want my story to be that I sat alone in my house for hundreds of hours swiping, spent hundreds of dollars on dating apps, and eventually matched with one average woman to marry and have more kids with. I want to be able to say, “I met this incredible woman while I was out doing this thing I love, and we clicked because we were compatible in real life.” I want to enjoy the time before I meet her instead of numbing myself with endless swiping. I talk through all of this, and how dating is going for me, in my Dating playlist.
That leads directly into the next question: if I am not using dating apps, how am I going to date today? How am I actually going to meet people in real life? This real-life-first approach is exactly what I keep sharing with people building lives they don't need to escape from inside the Jerry Banfield Family.
25 Ideas for Dating Without Apps
The hardest part of giving up dating apps is facing that moment of “Okay… now what?” The apps make everything feel deceptively easy. You download them, swipe a little, and it gives you the illusion that you’re actively doing something to find a partner. But from everything I’ve experienced—and everything I’ve watched men and women go through—dating apps are a massive waste of time and money. The real cost is the opportunity cost: all the things you could be doing with your time instead of sitting at home scrolling through profiles of people you’ll never meet.
If you already work online or spend time playing video games, watching movies, or consuming endless online entertainment, the combination can become lethal. That’s how I spent much of my twenties—dating online while also living online—and it swallowed years of my life. Today, most of my life is offline. I’m working out, playing tennis, walking my kids to and from school, talking with friends and family, handing out my books, having real conversations, and going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I have a real life now, and I refuse to let dating suck me back into sitting on my couch swiping through strangers.
Here are at twenty-five ideas to help you date without apps. I’m using the majority of these already and will try the rest that I have not. I will also write a book on how this all worked once I am in my new relationship from applying these ideas.
1. Attend local events or festivals.
Farmer’s markets, art walks, street fairs, book festivals—places where people often show up alone or in small groups. You’re looking for environments where single people naturally go. If you don’t know of any, this is your chance to ask friends and family. Ask the single guys where they go. Ask single women where they go. Ask them what events they like. Asking for advice has helped me more than anything else because people will point you toward things you didn’t even know existed.
2. Join community classes.
Cooking, pottery, improv, photography, language lessons—anything. If your mind reacts like mine did (“Fuck that, I don’t want to try anything new”), then that’s a sign you need it. Trying new things builds character. Every time I push myself to do something unfamiliar, life becomes more interesting. You learn, you grow, and you meet new people.
3. Volunteer for a cause.
Animal shelters, beach cleanups, charity events—anything that puts you around people who care about something. For me, attending Alcoholics Anonymous is a form of volunteering. I’ve been sober for eleven years, and showing up consistently is a service. While I don’t meet many single women in AA, I meet plenty of men who want to talk about dating and share their experiences. And sometimes, I do meet single women there. Even those conversations help me understand where people go and what they’re doing.
4. Go to networking or entrepreneurship meetups.
I’ve attended a lot of these over the years, and they’re usually full of people who are either single or connected to someone who is. And even if they’re not single, they can still give you great advice. If you meet an attractive woman, instead of asking her out, ask her for insight: “Hey, I’m Jerry. Nice to meet you. Where do girls like you go? What events do you enjoy?” Even if she has a boyfriend or husband, she’ll often give you the clearest direction you’ve gotten all year.
My goal is to help open your mind. The people you meet in person will give you the most relevant, specific advice for your lifestyle.
5. Join a spiritual or mindfulness community.
In Saint Petersburg, I joined a local spiritual community. At my very first event, I met a woman I really liked, and she liked me too. She shut it down because she wasn’t trying to date, but we spent two hours laughing and talking. That one event reminded me that real-life chemistry still exists. It validated everything I was feeling. Within hours, I met someone compatible, danced with people, made new friends, and even got to share my books. These environments offer so many more opportunities than just dating. And no, it’s not creepy to show up hoping to meet someone. Women are out there hoping someone will pick them up too.
6. Play a sport or join a recreational league.
I play tennis at the tennis club several days a week, and I’ve met attractive women there too. I wrote some funny stories about that in my book Sober Through Separation. There’s also pickleball, beach volleyball, run clubs, softball leagues—you name it. You’re not just meeting people you’d want to date; you’re meeting potential friends, business contacts, and people who will expand your life all while exercising!
When you’re sitting at home swiping, you miss all the real opportunities happening outside. If you work a regular job and don’t have a lot of free time, the benefits of joining activities like this multiply. You get exercise, connection, and a dating environment all at once.
7. Take fitness classes.
I used to go to yoga every day at my yoga studio, but lately I’ve noticed I haven’t been meeting many single women there—which is fine. It’s still a great environment, and the right woman might walk in tomorrow. But it’s also a reminder that variety matters. Yoga, pilates, HIIT classes, Zumba—everything attracts different demographics and different women. Rotating through these classes and venues increases your chances of meeting someone naturally. Just meeting one new person can change your entire life, but that won’t happen if you’re walking into the same studio at the same time every day, surrounded by the same familiar faces. My ex recently told me her reformer Pilates class was full of hot women in their twenties and thirties, so that alone makes it worth trying.
My mind pushes back: “You already have a yoga membership. Why pay $30 for one reformer Pilates class?” But then I remind myself I wasted hundreds of dollars on dating apps. Spending $30 on a new workout, in a new place, with new people—some of whom will be probably be hot and single—is a much better investment. Even if nothing happens, I get a workout, push my comfort zone, and widen the circle of women I meet.
8. Explore Hiking Groups or Nature Meetups
If you’re a nature person, outdoor groups are an amazing way to meet people. By contrast, saying “I like nature” on a dating app is meaningless. Showing up to a group where people ride, hike, kayak, or bike together is how you meet people who actually live that lifestyle.
Florida doesn’t have a lot of hiking, but we have e-bike groups, scooter meetups, and group rides. I have a friend who met several women just by joining the people who cruise around town on bikes. Anything that gets you outdoors and doing something active opens the door to easy conversations and natural connections.
9. Attend Local Gym Events or Wellness Retreats
Gyms, yoga studios, and wellness communities host events all the time—workshops, retreats, themed classes. These events create space for deeper conversations and help you meet people in a more meaningful way.
When I was in college, I went on some retreats like this. I didn’t build lasting connections then, but I now see how powerful these environments can be. When you’re dating, a lot of what you’re craving is validation, and events like this naturally provide it through real conversations and shared experiences.
The first event I went to after moving out of my house during my divorce, I met a mom who was attractive, compatible, and seemed very interested in me. She seemed annoyed I didn’t go home with her. We clicked immediately, but I judged her too quickly. Dating apps make you superficial in person—they train you to hunt for “red flags” instantly—and I felt myself doing that with her. Still, I met her within minutes of walking in and got to know her much more than on her dating profile in just a few minutes. That doesn’t happen when you’re sitting at home swiping.
Sometimes nothing will happen at an event. But the one time something does happen makes the entire effort worth it. This single mom I was talking to also has a profile on Hinge and she spent thousands of dollars on professional photos to show off her best self. By meeting her in person, I was able to cut through all the noise, get her phone number, and have a chance to go home with her without having to do any swiping.
10. Walk A Dog
Dog walking and dog parks are underrated dating environments. I know a dog walker who picks up several dogs from the neighborhood, brings five or six at once to the park, and gets approached constantly. Dog owners ask for his business card, assume he’s running a walking service, or just start talking to him because they’re curious.
I’ve seen plenty of hot women at dog parks—women who are often there alone, walking their dog, standing around with nothing to do except watch their dog sniff grass. That gives you easy openings for one-on-one conversation. Dog people love talking about their dogs, and if your dogs get along, you’ve got the world’s easiest icebreaker.
Even if you don’t have a dog, you can borrow one from a friend or help someone walk theirs. Half the dating profiles out there include dogs anyway; you might as well meet people where they already spend their time. If you do not have a dog park nearby, you can just walk around your neighborhood or choose a neighborhood to walk in where you might find people to date. I’ve met a bunch of people walking my dogs over the years and consistently see attractive women walking their dogs in my neighborhood.
11. Go to Live Music Shows or Open Mic Nights
Live music—especially in small, intimate venues—is a powerful place to meet people. I was talking with a friend recently, and she told me that on a night out with her boyfriend, a very attractive woman showed up to stand in front of them. She felt certain that if her boyfriend hadn’t been dating her, he would have approached that girl. That story reminded me I need to explore live music again myself.
For years, I stopped listening to music at home, and I used to hate live music because all I wanted to hear was electronic music, hip-hop, and rap. I didn’t want to go to a venue and hear anything different from what I already listened to. But now that I no longer play music at home, live music has become the only way I hear it—and I’m finding I enjoy it more. I’ve also noticed that a lot of hot, younger women go to music festivals, concerts, and open mics. One of my friends met her boyfriend at a big music festival. Live music might be one of the most underrated dating environments out there.
12. Visit Museums, Art Galleries, or Poetry Readings
Museums and galleries are another great option. I’ve been wanting to visit a museum downtown, and just recently I talked to a single woman I know who went to an art gallery event. A few weeks ago, I attended a theater performance at an art gallery because I knew the girl starring in it. She was cute but already partnered, and going out for the show got me into a completely new environment.
That’s the real benefit of things like museums and galleries: they get you out of the house and into new places. A lot of us, especially those of us who are sober, worry that life without alcohol will feel dull or repetitive. And for those of you who drink, you’re often craving more excitement and novelty anyway. Doing new things gives you that excitement without the hangover or the shame spiral.
And even if you don’t meet anyone, you win. If I spend an hour at a museum, I’m inspired. If I spend an hour swiping on dating apps, I feel like shit. One enriches you; the other drains you. It’s an obvious choice.
13. Take a Dance Class (Salsa, Swing, Tango, etc.)
Dance classes—especially partner-based ones like salsa, swing, or tango—are some of the most naturally romantic environments in the world. Women tend to show up to these much more than men, which immediately puts the numbers in your favor. And even if you don’t meet anybody, you’ve learned something new, gotten some exercise, and put yourself in a setting where connection is almost guaranteed.
A friend of mine who teaches pole dancing once told me I should take a pole class because they’re nearly all women. She said the classes are full of hot women because hardly any men show up. I haven’t done it yet, but that’s exactly why I’m writing this book—because this is the guidance I need to follow myself. I want this book to be a reminder never to download another fucking dating app again, and instead actually go take the damn pole dancing class or the museum visit I keep thinking about.
14. Attend a Book Club or an Author Talk
Book clubs are often packed with women. My ex attends them regularly, and she said it’s usually all women. Author talks are another great environment, and frankly, I need to be hosting some myself. An author talk would be a perfect way for me to meet women and also share my work. Have I taken my books into the bookstore yet? Not yet. But I will.
It’s funny how the things we resist the most are often the things that end up working for us. When I got sober 11.5 years ago, Alcoholics Anonymous was the very last thing I wanted to try. I thought it was for losers. I went to one meeting nine years earlier just to look like I was doing something after getting in trouble for drinking at work, and afterward I talked shit about AA for years. But I tried every other method to get sober, and nothing worked until I finally tried the thing I swore I’d never do. The “last resort” turned out to be the only thing that worked.
Some of the things in this book that make you think, “That’s the last thing I’d ever try,” might end up being the first thing that actually works.
15. Be a Regular Somewhere (But Choose Wisely)
Being a regular somewhere can be powerful. I’m a regular at yoga studios and the tennis club, and that’s helped me build community. But here’s the catch: being a regular only works if you’re in the right environment. At my yoga studio, I’ve met zero women recently that seem available to date but imagine when I hit that reformer Pilates studio filled with twenty- and thirty-something women, half of whom are likely single? Being a regular there could change my entire life. I could meet my second wife in a place like that without even trying.
You must be selective about where you commit your regular energy. If you go somewhere three or four times and have exciting interactions right away—like when I went to this spiritual community and ended up talking with a compatible woman for two hours and leaving with her number—that’s a sign you’ve found the right environment.
Being a regular doesn’t guarantee instant romance, but it surrounds you with compatible people, friends, community, and momentum. This spiritual community has been full of people I know from yoga and AA. That overlap signals I’m in the right place.
By contrast, at the tennis club, I mostly play with men, and most of the women are either decades older or in relationships. Could I meet someone there? Sure. But the odds are much lower than places where the demographics match what I’m looking for.
16. Start Conversations in Everyday Places
This one can feel challenging at first, but it becomes easier when you make friendliness your automatic setting. What I’ve been doing lately is practicing saying hi, making eye contact, and being friendly with everyone, all day long. That way, when a beautiful woman appears, I treat her exactly the same as I’ve treated the grandmother, the barista, the guy at the deli counter, and the person stocking avocados. It keeps me grounded instead of nervous or intimidated.
Whole Foods is full of attractive women, but I know how discouraging it can feel when everyone seems locked into their own world, staring at their phones, avoiding eye contact. Still, my approach is always the same: I smile, make eye contact when possible, and say hi. I do this everywhere—Whole Foods, the gym, the beach, downtown, wherever I go.
One of my friends—a divorced dad—met his extremely attractive long-term girlfriend at the grocery store. They simply ran into each other, started talking, and now they’re about to get married. This guy spent years wasting time on dating apps with no results. Then one random conversation in the produce aisle changed his whole life.
Being friendly works. If your mind resists this—if you’re thinking, “Fuck that, I’m can’t talk to strangers”—what’s the alternative? Sitting at home swiping on bots? Paying for apps that make you feel invisible? Being friendly to actual humans builds confidence, connection, and social momentum.
And if you say, “But I’m an introvert,” then the question is: do you have a growth mindset? If what you want is a partner you’re proud of—someone compatible, loving, and aligned with your life—are you willing to say hi to a hundred people? A thousand? I will. If one of those interactions leads to the woman I marry, that’s a fair trade.
I’d much rather say hi to a thousand real people than swipe a thousand dead-end profiles. Saying hello opens your life. Swiping shrinks it.
There are books that can help make this easier, and I plan to read some of them myself. But at the core, friendliness makes every place you go more meaningful and more exciting.
17. Attend Dinner Parties or Potlucks
Small gatherings—potlucks, house dinners, sober meetups—are incredible places to meet people or people who know people. In the AA community, these kinds of gatherings happen all the time. When I was married, I skipped most of them, but now I actively look for those invitations. Even if you don’t meet someone directly, you meet people who can connect you to someone else.
I know a very attractive woman who met her partner through exactly this kind of event. Someone invited her to a dinner gathering, she met a guy through mutual friends, and now they’re building a life together. He’s in his forties like me and she is very attractive mid-twenties. I guarantee he does not get that result on a dating app.
When you focus on dating in person, you naturally start asking people how they met their partners. You start noticing the patterns.
—She met her boyfriend at the grocery store.
—He met his girlfriend at a yoga studio.
—She met her husband at a live music show.
—He met his wife at a dinner party.
You begin to realize: you can meet someone literally anywhere.
Dating apps dull that awareness. They give you the constant feeling of rejection after swiping hundreds of profiles, many of which probably aren’t even real. Then when you walk into Whole Foods, you feel like you’ve already been rejected a hundred times before you even say hi to anyone. That destroys your willingness to engage.
But when your real-life interactions are positive—when you’re smiling, being friendly, and getting normal human responses—it becomes much easier to talk to someone new.
A few weeks ago at this spiritual community, I found myself sitting on a bench overlooking the water, talking to a beautiful woman I clicked with instantly. I remember thinking, “This is unbelievable—this happened so fast.” That kind of moment is constantly available in the real world but scarce on dating apps.
18. Ask Friends to Set You Up
This is one of the best strategies—and one of the most underused. When you meet someone through an app, the app doesn’t give a shit about you. It doesn’t care how your date goes. It doesn’t celebrate if you fall in love or get married. In fact, dating apps lose your business when you find someone which is why they have an incentive to keep you wasting time and single. But when you meet someone because a friend introduced you, everyone cares. Everyone gets to be part of the story.
I know a guy who got married after a friend set him up on a blind date. They had a kid and eventually divorced, but the point is: that story existed because someone cared enough to connect them.
I’ve been taking this step myself. I’ve been asking friends to set me up. At the tennis club recently, I found myself describing exactly what I’m looking for: a woman who’s athletic, wants more kids, and lives a sober lifestyle. Being able to say it simply helps other people actually think of someone.
And here’s something important: if you want friends to help set you up, you need to be able to describe what you want in one clean sentence. Not a two-page essay.
“What kind of woman do you want to date?”
If your answer turns into a novel, you’re making it too complicated.
The simplicity matters. For me, it’s:
Athletic — because I want a woman who can play tennis with me, run with me, keep up with my lifestyle, and take care of her body. Athletic doesn’t mean skinny. You can be a bigger woman and still athletic as hell. If you can beat me at tennis or hold a handstand, that’s hot.
Wants kids — I love kids. I have two. I want at least two more. That was one of the reasons my ex encouraged our divorce—she didn’t want more kids, and she knew I did. While lots of women do no want kids today, it only takes me finding one that does.
Sober or sober-friendly — a woman whose lifestyle doesn’t revolve around alcohol, drugs, marijuana, medication, or plant medicine. A woman who can face day to day life sober and who is healthy.
On dating apps, women who want kids get swarmed by men who want kids, and it often turns into shallow selection based on income or job titles. As an author, I probably get screened out immediately. “How much money does this guy make writing books in 2025?” That’s the sort of thing that stops connection before it starts.
But when a friend sets you up, they’re thinking:
“Who do I know that would genuinely click with you?”
That is infinitely more powerful than swiping.
If you can tell your friends something as simple as, “I’m looking for a woman who’s athletic, lives a sober lifestyle, and wants kids,” then you’ve just given them a clear, workable blueprint. She doesn’t have to be completely sober, but she should live a sober-friendly lifestyle and take care of herself physically. That’s it — athletic, sober lifestyle, wants kids. When you simplify it down to just those things, people can remember it. They can look for it. They can recognize it instantly in someone they meet.
Now my friends know: if they come across an athletic single woman who’s sober-leaning and wants kids, I’m exactly the guy to introduce her to. Even my ex said she’d be happy to set me up if she met someone who fit that description — which tells you how clean and simple that criteria is. If you want help getting that clear about what you actually want — in dating or anything else — you can book a Zoom call with me.
19. Join Interest-Based Clubs
Anything from chess to sailing to improv to photography. This is something I haven’t done yet (if you do not count going to Alcoholics Anonymous most days), but I definitely plan to. The beautiful part is that you don’t have to commit to showing up every week. Trying something one time might be all it takes. One class, one meetup, one event — the magic can happen anywhere.
I’ve been looking on Meetup for board-game groups because I love board games. Board-game nights will be mostly dudes, but depending on the club or hobby, you might walk into a room with nine women and be the only guy there. Imagine being in a space filled with women who are single, bored, and hoping someone interesting walks in — and that someone happens to be you.
Women struggle to meet people too. A club where they go for fun, consistency, or connection can become an unbelievable opportunity if you show up with the right energy. Platforms like Meetup and Eventbrite are loaded with these interest-based gatherings. You just have to be willing to try something new which can be irrationally diffuclt.
20. Travel Solo or Take Group Trips
Travel creates opportunities that don’t exist in your everyday environment. One of my friends was recording a book at my place recently, and she told me how she and a girlfriend went on a trip. They met two guys at dinner, ended up going into the woods afterward, and hooked up with them. Sometimes the shift in environment is all it takes.
You don’t even need to go far. I live in Saint Pete — sometimes just driving to Tampa changes the whole vibe. My ex suggested I go back to Busch Gardens. She liked in my old Match profile that I said I loved going to theme parks because it showed I liked having fun. When we first started dating, we went to Busch Gardens, SeaWorld, Adventure Island, Aquatica, Disney, Downtown Disney — all the parks. We went out all the time.
She told me last night, “Why don’t you go to Busch Gardens again? You could ride roller coasters during the day. You don’t have a job you have to be at. You’re just staring at books. Go live a little.”
She’s right. I used to go to theme parks alone in grad school. I remember being in line for a roller coaster and meeting a beautiful girl who talked with me the entire time — but of course, I already had a hot girlfriend then. Same thing at a water park: a gorgeous girl gave me this huge smile and I felt amazing. And again — I already had a the same hot girlfriend.
You might think going to a water park alone is lame. But single girls go to water parks with their friends. They run around in bathing suits, they’re in great moods, and they’re often open to talking. Meanwhile, women in relationships typically stop doing that stuff. So traveling solo, taking group trips, going to theme parks — these are things I’m going to do more of, because they worked incredibly well when I was younger and single. I just forgot.
21. Go to Singles Events or Speed Dating Events
In the last week, I went to three speed dating events. Across all three, there was only one truly hot girl. One event was at a bar, which already felt off because I’m sober. The hot girl was pounding a glass of tequila like water. She seemed turned off by my age, and I was turned off by her drinking. She left the second the event ended. Everyone else commented on her “bitch vibes,” but honestly, she was probably just frustrated like the rest of us and more honest in showing that.
Still, the speed-dating events were valuable. Most of the women weren’t attractive, but talking to single women in quick rounds was incredible practice. The only phone number I got at all was from a guy running his own speed-dating event and inviting me to it — but hey, it was still a networking win.
I’ve heard plenty of stories of people who met great partners at speed-dating events. It only takes one connection to change everything. I’m open to going again — but I won’t be going to bar-based ones anymore. They don’t match my lifestyle.
A friend even suggested I go to bars to meet women, but if I want a woman with a sober lifestyle, she’s less likely to be at a bar. Not impossible — but not statistically smart. Going to places that match your lifestyle and values is always the better play.
22. Join Co-Living or Co-Working Spaces
Co-living and co-working spaces are one of the most underrated ways to meet new people. Ten minutes from where I live, there’s a co-working space for about a hundred bucks a month. My ex suggested it last night after I deleted the dating apps and was spiraling. She said, “Why don’t you go work on your books somewhere around other humans?” And honestly, it made perfect sense. I already have around twenty books written. Imagine me walking into a café or a co-working space, claiming a table, stacking twenty physical books I wrote right in front of me, and working on my laptop. If you’ve ever read books about peacocking, that’s premium peacocking. Picture a girl who loves reading, walking by and seeing an author with a literal pile of his own books. There’s a good chance she’d stop and say, “Did you write all those?”
Co-working spaces naturally attract single people, remote workers, entrepreneurs, creatives, and the kind of people who know other single people. Even if you don’t meet someone directly, you might meet someone who knows exactly the person you’re trying to find. Co-living can go even further — living with compatible roommates, or roommates who have friends, or a community that naturally pulls in single people. It’s something I’m considering too, because when you think about it, the dating apps make you believe there’s no other way, and yet here are dozens of alternatives. This one alone could change everything.
23. Attend Workshops on Communication or Relationships
Workshop environments are filled with people working on themselves, which often includes people who are single. Not everyone will be, but the percentage is higher than average because those who are committed to growth are often between relationships, recently out of one, or preparing themselves for something healthier. Workshops centered on communication, relationships, masculine/feminine dynamics, boundaries, or personal development can be perfect for meeting people who want emotional intelligence — something dating apps make impossible to screen for.
I’ve met plenty of single girls in various personal-growth environments, including AA. And what’s funny is that I didn’t even think to attend workshops specifically geared toward topics like communication or relationships until ChatGPT suggested it to me. Once I read the idea, it made so much sense I couldn’t believe I hadn’t tried it already. I’ve been to spiritual workshops before, and I’ve talked to plenty of single women who go to them regularly. This is a whole category of opportunity I’ve barely tapped into.
24. Offer or Attend Community Listening Circles or Support Groups
Support groups attract people who are open, vulnerable, reflective, and often single. People in relationships tend to lean on their partner for emotional support and are less likely to attend groups unless they’re in crisis. But people who are single — especially those healing, growing, or looking for community — show up to groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics, and even the edgier ones like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous or other intimacy-focused recovery circles.
I’ve met a ton of single women at AA meetings. Some of them show up with a very clear intention of meeting someone. I know a girl who came to AA, met a guy immediately, ended up marrying him, and now they have a kid. He still goes to meetings. She doesn’t, but he says she’s still sober, which is great.
And then there are the sex-related support groups. I know a guy who went to them and said there were women so starved for connection that he felt like if he even brushed their hand, they’d want to leave with him on the spot. Groups like this attract people who are struggling — yes — but also people who are incredibly open and hungry for connection.
I’ve been going to AA for years, but now I’m planning to branch out. These groups require consistency and authenticity. You don’t walk in and immediately try to pick someone up. But they create the kind of vulnerable, revealing conversations that make it easy to tell who’s single, who’s emotionally available, and who’s actually doing the work. For example, there’s a hot girl in the AA meeting I started recently. She sounded single, and on any other day I would’ve talked to her, but I’d spent the whole day swiping fucking dating apps and felt too defeated to try. Next time I see her, I’ll talk to her — not with some heavy agenda, but to see if we connect. Surrounding yourself with people doing the work is half the battle, and it's the whole point of the Jerry Banfield Family.
25. Put Yourself Out There Visibly (T-Shirts, Signs, Buttons)
Sometimes the best way to meet someone is to be unapologetically obvious. Wear a shirt, a sign, a button — anything that makes your intentions clear. I’m testing this myself. I just bought four shirts for $70 total on Etsy that are black or blue with gold glitter that literally says:
Single Dad Sober Author
That’s peacocking in the purest form. It makes it incredibly easy for someone to approach me. A woman reading that shirt might think, I’m single, I want kids, I’m athletic too, and step right into a conversation. She might even say something bold like, “Let’s go make those babies.”
I wish people would wear shirts announcing what they actually need help with. “I’m broke and living with my parents, looking for a stable guy.” Or “I want kids but I hate dating apps.” Just raw honesty. Instead, most people walk around pretending everything is fine while secretly hurting, drinking, or numbing themselves.
A shirt is efficient. It polarizes quickly. It filters out people who aren’t interested. Rejection becomes a time saver instead of a personal wound. That’s why visible self-advertising is powerful — it saves you from wasting years of time, money, and emotional energy on dating apps. Everything else on this list enriches your life. Asking friends to set you up gives them a chance to help you. Joining co-working spaces, going to support groups, attending workshops, dancing, museums, dog parks, music shows, nature groups, fitness studios, networking meetups — none of this is a waste of time. It all builds real life.
Dating apps are the opposite. They drain you. They flatten you. They isolate you. They lie to you about your options. This entire book is one big reminder to myself that there are dozens of better alternatives, and I hope these twenty-five ideas cracked something open for you too.
If you want more, I’m Jerry Banfield. My website is JerryBanfield.com. I’m an author, speaker, and a coach based in St. Petersburg, Florida. You can text me with questions or comments about this book, ideas for future books, or if you want to talk. And if this book helped you, the most helpful thing you can do is leave a review so other people can find it.
Thank you for reading and I’ll hope to see you in another one of my books soon!
Sincerely,
Jerry Banfield