I play tennis as an amateur, a few days a week, and the most useful thing it has taught me is how to lose well. My view now is that losing a point, a set or a whole match tells me something about my technique and my mind, but very little about my worth. That was not always my view. In a February 2025 diary entry I admitted that a shot into the net could make me think "I hate myself," which is a silly response to a ball that did not clear the net. Most of what I have learned since then is about catching that thought and replacing it with something more useful.
This page gathers the tennis posts in one place. Below this opening you will find a contents list and then each post in full. My view developed over time, so the summary here runs from the oldest post to the newest.
My first real lesson was on October 29, 2024. For $80 an hour, the pro told me my serve was fine, which surprised me because I had been sure it was terrible. What he wanted was consistency before power: get the serve in every time, then learn placement, then spin and speed. He also reworked my forehand so I was not tensing up. I wrote about it in the tennis lesson that taught me to ask for help, and the point I keep coming back to is that other people can see your game more clearly than you can while you are busy criticizing it.
By early 2025 I was working on my mind more than my strokes. In a February 2025 diary day I finally won a championship against a younger player who had beaten me every time before, and later that day I was still wrestling with irrational fears. In Tennis, Psychic Change, and the Wealth of Time I lost 6-1, 6-1 to a much better player. Instead of letting frustration run the match, I set an intention: appreciate his skill and focus on learning. I had also watched Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras the night before, and their mistakes looked exactly like mine, just faster and harder.
Not every loss has been graceful. In my most embarrassing moment on the tennis court, from October 14, 2025, I said something to a woman at a nearby clinic that came out as sexual innuendo. I was up a set, then lost the match after my friend took the second set 7-5 and the third 6-4. I laughed for half an hour. The lesson I took was that the mind keeps playing long after the score is settled, and the useful response is to laugh, reset and keep showing up.
In March 2026 a 72-year-old man beat me in singles, 6-4, 6-3, in full sun on a day close to 80 degrees. I wrote about it in The 72-Year-Old Who Beat Me, and I was inspired more than crushed. He still ran down most of the balls and hit a hard serve that gave me trouble, and he had built the kind of long, active life I want at his age.
The post that best captures where I am now is Losing at Tennis and Loving Every Minute. My friend won the first set 6-3 and the second 6-2, and I still left feeling joyful. I stopped chasing winners and focused on hitting my short balls deeper, an idea I had read about in The Tennis Partner, so he could not finish them so easily. I lost, but I finished with a better game and a better workout. Measuring myself by what I learned rather than by the scoreboard is the shift I most want readers to take from this page.
My most recent tennis reflection is about the imaginary audience. In Playing Tennis for a Large Unseen Audience, I describe picturing a crowd and announcers while I play, which keeps me from getting caught in my ego on every shot. If you enjoy the wider side of my life, you may also like my yoga posts or my day-in-my-life vlogs, where tennis shows up alongside everything else.
If you are stuck on a losing streak in sport, business or anything else and want a second set of eyes, you can get a personal video review from me at https://jerrybanfield.com/review/.
On this page
Every post I have written on this subject is below in full, newest first, each under its own heading.
- Playing Tennis for a Large Unseen Audience (June 17, 2026)
- Tennis, Psychic Change, and the Wealth of Time (June 17, 2026)
- A Tennis Championship, a Sushi Date, and Quieting Irrational Fears (June 17, 2026)
- The 72-Year-Old Who Beat Me (March 8, 2026)
- Jerry Banfield Tennis: Losing Well and Finding Joy on the Court (February 25, 2026)
- My Most Embarrassing Moment on the Tennis Court (October 14, 2025)
- The Tennis Lesson That Taught Me to Ask for Help (October 29, 2024)
Playing Tennis for a Large Unseen Audience
From my video published June 17, 2026.
My friends, I'm about to play tennis for a large audience, but it's an imaginary audience in my head. I think you'll really enjoy hearing this idea, because I've never heard it before. I've never heard anybody say this. When I play tennis, I'm just an amateur tennis player. I play a little bit, a few days a week. A lot of times we get caught completely in our ego trying to make each shot. So instead, I picture that I'm playing professionally. I picture there's a whole big crowd, and there are announcers talking about the game while I'm playing. I picture a bunch of fans who are there for Jerry Banfield, and a bunch of fans who are there for the guy I'm playing against. The same way you might watch a tennis match online, that's how I look at it. I'm playing for a big audience, and I feel the energy of the crowd throughout.
That's been one of the coolest things I've started doing, because it's fun. I feel like I'm performing for a large audience. And really, these videos are kind of the same way. Lots of my videos get thousands of views a day. My videos show tens of thousands of times across YouTube every day, and some on X as well. The fact is, I'm just out here in the park filming a video by myself right now. There's no audience in this moment. But then there ends up being an audience later.
An Audience You Cannot See
What's really cool is there could actually be an audience that's simply unseen. If you think about all the spirits or souls that haven't incarnated yet, all the ones that have passed that haven't reincarnated, all the different forms of life and energy, there may be far more watching than we realize.
My dad came to me in a dream one night, and this was before I started playing tennis. In the dream I was playing tennis, I think professionally, and there was an actual audience there. But I remember looking at the audience and I didn't see my dad in it. Then he came up to me after the game, and I said, "Dad, I didn't see you in the audience." He said, "Well, I was there. I come to all your games." I said, "Well, where? I didn't see you." And he said, "You just need to look harder." That really stuck with me, because my dad had passed about five or six years before the dream. You just need to look harder. You may have an audience you don't even know about.
I very much feel like you're never really alone in this life. I've come to believe that you're always being watched, and that from a certain point of view we're all performing on stage, essentially. There are a ton of spirits and other forms of life that are watching, that are paying attention. So the way I look at it, we're always performing.
I remember when I used to be in my room by myself, doing things by myself that I felt bad about. I remember having this sensation that I was being watched, which left me feeling very uncomfortable, because I thought I was having a private experience that nobody knew about. I reflected on it: I wouldn't be doing this if everybody knew about it. But what if every part of your life somebody does know about? What if no part of your life is actually private? What if you had a thousand people or spirits, however you want to put it, as a massive audience for every single thing you did all the time? It very much seems to me like in this reality we are essentially performing on a stage. We are playing for an audience here, and because of that we're often oblivious to it. We're totally focused on the game and the stage.
What My Friend Told Me About Being Dead
My friend who passed a year and a half ago came to me in a bunch of dreams. In one of them, I asked him, "What's it like being dead?" He said, "It's a big reality." He gave me the impression that his reality is much bigger than mine. What he can see and what he can experience is much more easily accessible for him. The best way to put it is that it's much easier for him to have access to the bigger picture, to see so many other things.
Those of us who are here are kind of focused on the stage. If you picture it like actors and actresses in a movie, we're focused on the movie, we're focused on performing in it, playing our roles, earning our paychecks for it. We're here, focused on the movie. But most of the people who watch the movie are just seeing the movie. Imagine all the actors and actresses in it, with all the little dramas they're going through that they think are so big, that they're so into. From the audience's point of view, the actors and actresses might think nobody's watching. They might think they're all alone. They might think things are hopeless. But all of us watching have a much different point of view.
In fact, lots of times I wish the movie would change. I put on Harry Potter and I think, maybe Voldemort would win this time. That'd make it more interesting, wouldn't it? I have a hard time watching a movie I've already seen now, because I'm tired of it turning out the same way every time. I'm tired of having the same outcome. Every time, Scarface just gets blasted at the end. One time I want him to turn around and blast that guy in the window, just once, and then go get Sosa too. I'm tired of the same thing happening every time. So this reality is a much more interesting version. It's far more interesting than that, and I think we have a huge audience we're not aware of.
Remote Viewing and a Much Bigger Audience
Once you start to become aware of it, things shift. I feel like I have an audience for everything I'm doing all the time, and not just because I do YouTube. YouTube is more of an external representation of that. YouTube very much put the idea in my head. You all aren't going to actually watch me play tennis, but you might imagine it. You might imagine me playing tennis today. In that sense, you're watching to some degree, especially when you look into all the remote viewing material. If you look into remote viewing, you find that if you get yourself into a really relaxed state, you can go observe something else, even in the middle of this body. So imagine if you didn't have this body to distract you with a whole bunch of sense impressions and a whole bunch of thoughts. Imagine what you could look at if you wanted to. Imagine how many people are here now versus how many have ever lived, and all the life forms everywhere in the whole universe. I think we're all playing for a much bigger audience than we think we are.
This really helps me in my day-to-day life, too, to think about how I would like to perform for everybody. It helps me not get stuck thinking that I'm just this little self that's separated. Instead, it's like I'm part of a movie that has a big audience, and I get to ask: what do I want my role to be? I start to step out from being just an actor. I step out of the character in the movie and start remembering, hey, I'm an actor. I'm just playing a part. I can talk to the director about my part. I can make suggestions. I can choose how I play my part. I'm not stuck playing it one way or another. Then I feel empowered. I'm not here just getting a paycheck, the spiritual equivalent of a paycheck. I'm here co-creating, and that really makes it fun. Some of the actors and actresses just don't like their job and go there to collect a paycheck and a lifestyle. Other ones really love it. I'm here to really love my role. If you'd like to follow more of these reflections, you can find them on my Life playlist.
So I'm going to go play tennis now. I'll be playing for all of you. Maybe someday I'll be able to live stream my tennis. I could, but it's too much trouble, and I like to be totally into the moment with what I'm doing. It kind of doesn't make a difference whether I have a YouTube audience watching me play tennis or some theoretical, spiritual audience watching me. It doesn't really matter. That's really powerful for YouTube too. It doesn't matter if you have one viewer. Maybe you have spiritual viewers watching your videos. They don't count as views, but they're still watching them.
Tennis, Psychic Change, and the Wealth of Time
From my video published June 17, 2026.
Dear Diary, this is for February 26, 2025, my 5,021st day on YouTube. Today I'm trying a new background to give people a bit more of an idea of what's in my diary instead of a generic picture. To me, the highlight of my day was playing tennis against a guy who beat me twelve games to two, 6-1, 6-1 in two sets. In the past, I've often gotten very frustrated when I'd hit a shot into the net, hit a shot out of bounds, or double fault my serves. What was really special today is that I appreciated his skill. If he weren't as good, I wouldn't hit as many shots out of bounds or into the net. If he weren't as good, I would have pounded him. He makes me a better player by playing against me.
I appreciated how fast my opponent's serves were today. There were a good number of his serves that were so fast I just couldn't do anything with them. I'd hit them out of bounds. I could hardly even hit the serve at all. Instead of being frustrated and feeling like I suck and that I hate myself, today I just observed the game and watched what was happening. I'd think, okay, so he hit his serve there and I couldn't get to it fast enough, so my racket face was up and I hit the ball and it went out. I watched it with a focus on learning.
I also hit some amazing shots, and he was impressed with some of them. He said one of them was the best shot of the day. He hit a ball hard toward the back left of the court on my backhand, and he was shocked I even got to it. I hit it and didn't think it was going to go over, but it barely cleared the net. It fell right over and died. He just stood there and looked at it. He said, "I can't believe that. I can't believe you got that." And I told him I didn't think it was going over either. He said, "That was the best shot I've seen today." That's fun.
Setting an intention for my mind
What's nice is that in previous tennis games I set the intention, "Dear mind, I want you to figure out how to be happy and enjoy the game. I want you to figure out how to appreciate your opponent's level of skill rather than putting yourself down." The last time I played tennis with the same guy, I remember one time I hit a shot into the net and my first thought was, "I hate myself." Isn't that silly? I hit a shot into the net. Why would you hate yourself over hitting a shot into the net?
I love this body for being able to get out there from 10:30 to 11 a.m. in Florida, in the sun, no sunscreen, because I want to soak all that sun energy up. To get out there and play tennis with a guy who's much better than I am, who's got a fast, hard serve, who can get all over the court and control his shots. If I play close to the net, he'll hit them right past me on the right and the left. If I play back, he'll dink little short shots. He was hitting a bunch of hard, fast shots toward the sides of the court yesterday. I told him, "I've never seen your shots be so accurate, cranking these hard shots to the left and right, right along the middle alley line sides of the court." I just stood there. I can't get that. It's hard and fast. That's a great shot.
What I shared at my AA meeting about psychic change
I went to my Alcoholics Anonymous meeting last night at seven at night. I'm recording this the next day so that I really have the entire day instead of trying to record halfway through the day. The topic was psychic change. What I said is that the biggest psychic change for me was a shift in point of view. I used to think, "I'm a human. My name's Jerry Banfield. This is my life story. I was born in 1984. When I die, that's it. I don't know if there's anything else. Maybe I have a soul, maybe I don't."
To me, the biggest psychic change was going from identifying as "I'm a human being, maybe I have a soul, or maybe there's a God, or maybe there's something, but who I am is just me and this body and this story," to transcending that story and seeing that who I am is much more than a body and a story. In fact, who I am is what created this body. On a bigger level, who I am is what created all bodies and all stories. Who I am is creating all this right now. That's who I am. This body is like a game I'm playing, an adventure I'm having, a journey I'm on. I posted a video on the Jerry Banfield Experience channel called "I Died and Went to the Gray Void," which goes into a dream I had where I died and was in another lifetime and then was very relieved to come back to this one.
I shared at my AA meeting that the biggest psychic change is knowing why I'm here. I'm here because I'm creating this, because I'm choosing to be here. If you want to look at this on the earth, the human level, I'm here to raise the consciousness of humanity, to educate, and to be a teacher among the humans on this planet. That's why I've incarnated in this particular story and I'm playing this particular game.
I caught up with some people, including a girl who did the topic. I hadn't seen her in a while, and it was so nice to catch up with her. I love when people share their real lives with me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Things like, "My job's a bit of a challenge right now. I've been having more arguments with my boyfriend. My health's going great. I'm off the medications. I'm thriving. I'm really happy with my sober life. Overall, my relationship's very good. I'm getting more comfortable with my work. I'm doing my yoga." I love when people share their whole lives with me. That's special to me, because what I've come to believe is really powerful is that diseases like alcoholism, or the addiction of loneliness and isolation, are healed by talking and sharing our experiences with others. That's how we get out of it.
The mile run as a metaphor for this life
After the meeting last night, I ran my seventh day in a row of a one-mile run. It felt so good last night. In just a week of running a mile every day, it felt so good. Instead of just starting the run and wishing for it to be over, I think of the run as a metaphor for this human existence. I believe I've had many, infinite things I've done before this human existence, and there are going to be so many afterward. I don't want this existence to just be over immediately. I want to enjoy it. Some of my previous runs left me feeling, "Hey, I just want to get this over with." Last night it was different. I just wanted to enjoy this. I wanted to enjoy feeling alive.
During my run last night, I focused on a person in my life that I've been feeling fear and resentment toward. I sang in my head the song my wife used to sing to our daughter and our son. I put a little song out called "I Love You So" on my music channels. I sang that song to the person in my head to try to focus loving energy on them, hoping that we could get along with each other. I don't know how that's going to work out. I can aim and picture the result. That's what I can do.
What I shared in my meeting is that people talk about, "Well, God did this for me." In my belief, no. If you think of God as a separate entity, God created me like themselves and gave me all the same powers. I have free will to do whatever I want. I think of God and me as one entity. So if I see something I don't like, what I do is identify it first. I don't like my mind getting all upset and pissed off because I hit tennis shots that don't go in. I identify what I don't like, and then I get specific and say, "I want you, mind. I want you, body. Next time I want you to be appreciative of how skilled your opponent is and how grateful you should be that someone better than you is willing to play with you and to whoop your ass every week. I want you to focus on learning the game, studying the game. I want you to focus on how grateful you are that you're in shape to do this."
Why I needed to watch Agassi and Sampras first
When I set that intention, I do need other people's help. What I didn't tell you about tennis is that the night before, I watched Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras play the US Open quarterfinal in 2001. I watched the two of them play tennis for twenty minutes. And you know what I learned? They do the same stuff I do. Their shots are just coming way faster, harder, and more accurate. But sitting there watching some of the best tennis players in the world whack a shot into the net, hit a shot that goes off into the crowd, hit shots out of bounds, hit a little short shot their opponent can't get to, I realized these are the same things I'm doing out there. It's the same game. The game's just faster and harder and more accurate if you're a professional. And the shots are harder if you're playing somebody better than you, because their shots are faster and more accurate.
So I had to watch them play to help my mind get proper perspective on my play. I couldn't just wish for my mind to change without taking action. I set the destination, then I gave my mind permission to figure it out: "I don't know exactly what you need to do to reprogram, but this is what I want you to do." Then a desire came up, and I swear YouTube reads people's minds. This Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras match came up. The desire came up to watch it, so I watched it, and then I played tennis, and it made a huge difference.
Working with others, and the wealth of time
The girl who was talking to me last night, the one with the relationship, talked to me two years ago and said, "Jerry, I'm single, and I've always struggled with relationships." I completed this same process with her. I said, "Tell me about the kind of guy you'd like to be with. What would he be like?" She told me about the kind of guy she wanted to be with, and she met him shortly afterward. To me, that's how life works. But you've got to work with other people and let other people help you.
I also watched my daughter at car line yesterday. I dropped the kids off early, and then I felt really time wealthy. I felt so rich in time to be able to just sit there and watch my daughter at car line for about ten minutes. I watched her open the doors, and somebody forgot their water, so she ran in and brought it to him. She's dancing around at car line. She's wanted to do car line since she was in kindergarten, and she's in fourth grade now. I'm grateful that I know the value of time wealth.
But I know that because I once sat with a homeless guy. I had a friend who was homeless. I met him when he was homeless, and I used to sit and talk to him sometimes, sometimes for thirty minutes. Sitting next to him, I got this sense of time wealth, like this guy is a billionaire in time. He has all day to do whatever he wants. No responsibilities, nowhere he has to be, nothing he has to do. He could just sit on the curb for hours. Nobody wants anything from him. By comparison to him, I felt time poverty. So just taking ten minutes to sit there and watch my daughter yesterday made me feel like a time millionaire.
I hope my videos are always useful for you to expand your own mind. I'm really excited trying this format to give you a better idea of what I'm talking about in here. If you enjoyed this day in my autobiography, there are many more like it in my Life playlist, and I hope you'll come back for more of them.
A Tennis Championship, a Sushi Date, and Quieting Irrational Fears
From my video published June 17, 2026.
It's my vlog for February 28th, 2025, my 5,023rd day on YouTube. I start off the day waking up with the kids. Laura wakes them up a little after 7 and takes them to school today. I'm playing tennis. Me and another guy in his 30s are going to get out there and play a couple of guys in their 70s. I manage to have some time to get a little bit of my YouTube stuff done before I go out, and then we're on the tennis court at 8:30.
First, me and the young guy team up and we beat the old guy 6-2 playing doubles. Then we switch. The young guy has beaten me in what I call a championship every time so far, so today I am bound and determined I'm going to whoop him. We go to 6-6, and then I win the tiebreaker. Then we switch partners. They get ahead 5-2 and I'm like, ugh, I'm going to get it. We come back and win four games in a row, and then we win the tiebreaker as well for the first time in forever. I win the championship, and I'm so happy to be out there enjoying tennis and being in the sun.
These guys were born decades ahead of me, and they're out here playing in the heat still, able to keep up and hit nice shots. If anything, the two older guys hit a lot fewer errors. Me and the other young guy hit the majority of the errors today for each team we were on. These guys are inspiring to me because they're still out there, still playing, still able to hang with us. That's what I'm aiming at. I feel it's really important to know where you're going and to be able to aim there, because without a clear vision and a sense of how you're going to get there, you're just kind of wandering lost.
A date with Laura at Green Pagoda
After tennis, I come home and get back into doing my videos. The guy comes over to work on the baseboards around the house as well. Laura and I get him set up, and then we go out on a date. I'm so happy to have a date with Laura at a place we've never been before. We go to Green Pagoda. They have sushi and Thai food, which Laura and I love. She loves the ambiance, she loves how they do the ceiling and the decoration, and she loves the vibe of the place. I'm so happy I found it. She's seen it but hasn't been there before.
I normally eat whole plant vegan to keep this body looking beautiful and in shape and functioning very well. Although I've learned that if the body really wants a little bit of meat, give it. I see today there's a fire dragon roll, which has spicy tuna on top with some fish eggs, and shrimp inside. Oh man, it's so good. I eat the whole dragon roll and I wish I'd gotten a seaweed salad. I could have eaten a second one. I actually come home and have some more of the fried rice Laura made last night.
Filming crypto videos in a new hands-on format
I try my first crypto video doing it in this kind of back, hands-on format. It takes me a while to come up with an idea I want to film, and I'm still grinding on that and researching when Madeline's supposed to have a sleepover with her friend at her friend's house today. But we get a message: can we please take the friend? They've had a family emergency. Can we take the friend and have them sleep over at our house? I'm grateful I have such a flexible schedule. I'm like, sure, because Laura's got a work meeting at three. So I just get in the car, drive over, and pick all the kids up from school.
I get them set up here for the sleepover and get them going to a movie, because when they get home they're all fired up from school. Laura's like, should we go to the movie now or at 7 p.m.? She says they'll go to bed anyway. I'm like, no, go to the 4:20 p.m. movie. They go out to see the new Lion King movie, the one about Scar, something like that, and I get to work on my videos.
I have a nice conversation with the guy doing my baseboards as well. I'm trying to apply the conversation tactics that Vanessa Edwards shared, which I'd listened to on her video during a dog walk the other night. That's why I'm doing this with my back from the camera, so you can really see me. I applied it talking to him. I asked, hey, you got anything exciting going on in your life you're all fired up over? And he shared a story about his in-laws buying a manufacturing plant. It was cool. That's something totally new to me. I've never talked to anybody before who was having that kind of experience. It was really cool to ask those questions and to practice the conversation skills instead of just asking generic ones. This is a guy I know from doing yoga, and I was hoping I could get to know him a bit better as well. It was cool to just hear about his life and get his perspective.
I then finally came up with a couple of video ideas. I did a crypto review on another junk coin, and I had an idea to talk about how the Bybit hack will be really positive for pumping up the ICP price. I did both those videos. It's a great experiment doing this hands-on and talking. I got those videos done. I also got the house ready for the sleepover. I changed the sheets in the bedroom, did laundry, and got the rooms put back together after getting the baseboards done. They were ready by the time the kids were home from the movie, so I was ready to help out and wash all the dishes.
Soccer in the dark and the mind's irrational fears
We took some time to play with the neighbor's kid across the street, playing soccer, even though it was dark. The soccer ball kept going in the road, so Laura and I were there to supervise. My mom comes by walking her dog at the same time, which was great because my daughter's friend from school really wanted to see my mom's huge, 100-plus-pound dog, a Great Dane Labrador mix. I got to hang out with my mom and see the dog, and Madeline's friend got to see the dog also, and they got to play with the neighbors and wear themselves out before bed. It was perfect.
While they were playing soccer, I had some fear come up. There are these trees that kind of died, that they planted to shorten their yard, and they have branches at eye level. I'm picturing kids running around in the dark and getting an eye gouged out or something. And I'm like, no, stop that, mind. I'm not interested in that. That's very unlikely.
I'd been having the same kind of thought earlier when I was about to get the sushi with Laura. My mind was saying the spicy tuna is not cooked all the way, or it's not cooked at all. My mind's like, what if you get food poisoning? And I'm like, look how many times, the thousands and thousands of meals I've had out in my life, and I don't think I've ever once gotten food poisoning that wasn't related to me drinking and pouring huge amounts of alcohol down, or eating way too much. Sure, I got the runs after going to a hibachi restaurant, but I had a huge portion of food. If I'd had half the amount of food, I don't know if that happens.
So sometimes these little fear thoughts your mind puts out there are so irrational, so unlikely. My thought is to say, when my mind goes "what if one of the kids gouges their eyes out," I'm like, that's probably not going to happen. I think the odds of that are pretty close to zero. And if it does happen, we'll go get help. The odds of food poisoning are almost zero too. I think there's always a psychological component. In my experience, two people could eat the exact same food, and the person who's healthy, who's calm, who's digesting and processing life, would not get food poisoning. The other person next to them could eat the exact same food, and if they're emotionally disturbed, or in the middle of an addiction or something, they'll get food poisoning.
I told my boss I had food poisoning in 2006. Yeah, I did throw up the night before, and maybe it was something I ate, but it probably was the 11 drinks I had in five hours between dinner time and bed. It probably was the alcohol, not whatever I ate. And yes, one of the drinks did taste a little funny. But if I'd just had even one drink at dinner, I probably wouldn't have been throwing up at the end of the night. With 11 drinks plus a huge dinner, eating out of town, and throwing up at night, it probably was something I did. It probably wasn't just random food poisoning. I'm grateful today that when the mind throws out thoughts like that, I'm like, that's unlikely, I'm not interested in that, move on to another topic. Give me something else to think about.
Getting the house settled and a take on transparency
I'm so grateful that we got the kids in bed by like nine, and it looks like they're actually going to sleep through the night. I pulled out a bed for Laura, so Laura and I are sleeping in the room with Jack, and Madeline and her friend are sleeping in the master bedroom. We're all set up perfectly. I do the rest of the dishes after everybody else is in bed, and then I take the dog for a walk and call my sponsor, since I forgot to call him yesterday. By now it's like 10 o'clock. I call him and he doesn't answer, so I'll talk to him the next day. I get back a little before 11.
I was listening to Elon Musk and Joe Rogan talking, and it's just shocking to see the amount of waste and the insane stuff that's going on in the government. With these wasteful things, you create an NGO, a non-government organization, and it just gets these huge amounts of money. You can basically pay a little bit of money to lobby somebody to get the government to give this organization a whole bunch of money, and then you can siphon that money off to do whatever you want with. There's almost no accountability or transparency for that going on.
Then you're seeing that reported in other news sources as Elon Musk canceling funding to all these poor people, and people are starving. But if you hear him talk about it, and we all know on some level our government is god-awfully wasteful. If you've dealt with the government, you can see how wasteful it is. I'm grateful for at least an attempt, an investigation, into cleaning this stuff up. I'm really excited and I hope we get a lot more of these secrets out there, like the JFK files, UFO files, and Epstein client files. Why are these things being kept secret? On some level we all know they're being kept secret to protect certain people's reputations, and to realize that many of the politicians you voted for, the superstar celebrities, these people have been involved in some horribly nasty stuff. That should all come out.
I'm a big believer in transparency. I live my life in a way where I take actions I'm comfortable with everybody knowing about. To me, transparency is what will stop a lot of the things you think are bad from happening. If all of us have to be transparent, this is going to be a real nice planet. If you enjoy following along with days like this, you can find more over on my Life playlist. It was a fantastic day today. I appreciate you enjoying the day with me, and I'm looking forward to seeing what Saturday, March 1st, holds.
The 72-Year-Old Who Beat Me
Originally published March 8, 2026.
This is my journal entry from March 8, 2026 — my real, unedited day, shared just as it happened.
Daylight savings time got me good this morning. I didn't set my clock that's in my room that's my alarm, and I get a text message a little after 6 a.m. Like, why the hell did that go off already? I'm like, oh shit, because it's 7 a.m. My Do Not Disturb turned off. I forgot about daylight savings time. I get up, adjust all the clocks, have my usual Larabar, banana and seaweed snacks for breakfast. Then I go over to my ex-wife's house after taking a little walk around Crescent Lake Park. I arrive there and hang out with the kids for about an hour. They're going to be out the rest of the day. So this is the only time that I'm going to be able to see them. I get lots of snuggles with my son in his bed, which is really nice. And I get a chance to talk with my daughter and my ex-wife a bit. I snuggle with my son a bit on the couch as well.
Then when I go to leave, my ex-wife tells him he has to eat his burrito before he goes. He starts crying and fussing. And I'm like, you know, that's such a manipulative strategy there of like trying to, I'm leaving my ex-wife's house, walking the kids over, feeling very grateful that we're not married anymore. Like, I can't stand how she does little shit like that to like offload feelings and manipulate and control. I'm glad my son and I don't have that dynamic together. And I leave her house feeling kind of like, that's ugly doing that. Like she didn't need to do that at all. Just let me have breakfast without interfering and trying to control him. Like it's so unnecessary. She even, you know, she realizes she killed the mood with my time over with the kids. She gives me a hug and says she's sorry. And I'm kind of close hearted. I'm like, I got to get out of here. This is why I'm very happy to be out of this marriage because she did that kind of thing to me all the time, too. Like so gently and subtly manipulative that like you don't even realize exactly what's happening. You just suddenly feel bad. And then it feels like your fault, too.
All that said, my ex-wife is an amazing woman. And I did enjoy most of our marriage. And it's very easy to miss the marriage and the things that were good in it. And I'm very grateful for a reminder of why I'm not in the marriage anymore also, because sometimes it can feel like I wish I was in the marriage again. I get to my mother's house and say hi to her and drop the kids off, but they're ready to get rid of me. And I head to tennis.
I get to the tennis courts with a tennis partner, who we're playing ultimate tennis with. The guys that beat me also beat him. So I'm like, all right, I might have a chance against this guy. He, as I get to know him, he's 72 years old. So this guy could easily be my father. And he's out here. We start at 11 a.m. The match wraps up at 1 p.m. His whole shirt sweated out. He can still move and get to most of the balls. His shots, he has a nice hard serve that screws me up returning it lots of times. I get started winning, and I'm feeling pretty good, like I might actually win this one. I go up quickly 2-0, but he manages to win the first set 6-4. Then I go up again in the second set to start out, and then my fucking tennis game just unravels, and he beats me 6-3 in the second set. I can't even be very mad at my game, though. Because I'm so proud of this guy and inspired by him. I'm like, this is awesome. This guy is at least 30 years older than me. He's 31 years older than me. And he just beat me like it's hot outside. It's in full sun. It's close to 80 degrees. And he just beat me in singles tennis and it wasn't like just because he stood there and hit all accurate shots, like he ran around the court and played with me. I'm like, this is so inspiring. Like this is exactly where I want to be in 31 years, is out here still playing singles tennis beating guys that are 30 years younger than me.
I talked to him a bit more and it turns out he got divorced when he was 41 from his first wife, and then he had more kids with his second wife. His youngest son and his first grandson were born within nine months of each other. I'm like, man, sometimes I doubt and think, oh, you know, my life's fucked. I'm not going to find another woman to have kids with. And I look at this guy and I'm like, he is literally living what I'm doubting is possible for me. Like, this is exactly what I want. I want a woman that I can have several more kids with. And here's a guy that's already done it and is in great shape. Like, I want to be in the same kind of shape that he is in my 70s. I go home feeling so inspired. I'm like, this is awesome. This is the second guy I've ran into with a bunch of kids from two different women who beat me at singles tennis in the heat of the day and could be my father. Meanwhile, my late father's been dead since 2014 because he lost his passion for life and mostly sat in front of the TV in his later years. I'm like, these guys are like my new father figures. It's awesome, but they're healthier than the guys in the meetings. Meeting a man three decades older who built the exact family life I keep doubting is possible reminded me it's not too late, and if you're quietly afraid you've missed your chance at something, I'd love to talk it through with you on a call with me.
I head home, and I look that I've got five hours now before my recovery meeting, and I'm going to absolutely go to work on my work. I remember back this morning, though, when I was walking around Crescent Lake, I ran into an acquaintance who I've known for a year or two. She's nice and lean. She's attractive. She's in her 40s. I ran into her walking around Crescent Lake, and we talked for like 30 minutes. We had a great conversation. I told her why I don't go to my old yoga studio anymore. And she shared, you know, what's new with her. And one thing I said to her was like, I don't want a fuck buddy. Like that's what so many people do, especially in my demographic, like, you know, a dad or a single parent in their forties, like people are just getting fuck buddies. Like, you know, having somebody they see a few times a week just to have sex. And there's like almost nothing more to the relationship. I'm like, that's horrible. That's the last thing I want. And I don't want to be distracted by a fuck buddy either. Like, I want a partner, a teammate. I want the spiritual growth together. I want, you know, what I had with my ex-wife, but with somebody else where we grow together and make it work better for even longer. Like, that's all I want.
And I leave talking to her. She's like, well, I guess, you know, we'll see you around or something. I'm like, well, I don't go to my old yoga studio anymore and I don't know where we'll see each other. I leave thinking we should have exchanged numbers that way we can meet up. But then I'm thinking, well, why would we bother exchanging numbers like we have so little in common? It seems kind of pointless. I end up running into her again on the other side of Crescent Lake right when she's getting in the car. And I'm like, you know, why don't we exchange numbers in case you want to meet up, because we're probably not going to run into each other much anymore going forward. Like, I haven't seen her in months. So I get my phone number to her. Then I walk away thinking, fuck, I shouldn't even have bothered exchanging numbers. What is the point? Why even bother doing that? It's just unnecessary complication. I don't think we are people that will have each other in our inner circles or anything, be that great of friends. It's just a passing acquaintance, man. You should just let it go. I'm like, all right, I'll keep that in mind for next time.
I blast through stuffing 200 letters while I'm at home. Now, so fast forward, that was first thing this morning. Then let's go back to like 2 p.m. I've showered. I've had some bean nachos for lunch. And now I listen to the book Cloistered, which is an interesting story of a nun, read by the author Catherine Coldstream. Cloistered, my years as a nun. Like this is just so interesting to get into a world that's, you know, actually has a lot in common with the way I live. And yet, you know, so different on the surface. Like in a lot of ways, I was at a similar place after my dad died that she was, but she went and became a nun, and I got sober. Well, often the same kind of baseline desire for more to life, but we found it in different ways. I'm listening to this book for two hours as I stuff envelopes, and then I get to work on my journaling. There's only three days left, which still is like 20,000 words. But I stuff 200 envelopes to get ready for when I get my stamp, and I can deliver these door to door. I edit about 15 plus thousand words from my journaling. I can see the end in sight. And it's good motivation to keep these entries shorter. Like, damn, I can't believe I rambled like 30, 40 minutes.
I wrap all that work up. I feel very good about getting all that done. I love that I just work like crazy when I'm at home now. And I also look up my credit score for a little more motivation to work. I'm like, fuck, I tanked my credit score 150 points in the last three months. It was over 800 before and we're down to like 650. I still can take another balance transfer for like 9,000 and I got 8,000 more coming from the IRS and I have over 15,000 more in the bank. So even if I'm blowing through eight grand a month, still should have at least four months left where I don't have to make money and any money I do make extends that timetable. So I'm going all out, baby. Let's hope this book shit works in the next four months. Betting my runway on this writing working out is exactly the kind of all-in decision I love helping people think through, so if you're weighing a leap like that, set up a call with me and bring it to our call.
After I do all that, I get dressed and go to my recovery meeting to chair. There's a girl that got sober a few years ago there that's doing a topic, which is great. The pretty girl who's newly sober and in her early 20s, I make sure to give her a big hug as she's greeting tonight and take a couple of minutes to pay attention to her, talk about the jewelry she's wearing, make some good eye contact. But after the meeting, the meeting itself goes very well. And there's laughter and a lot of good shares. I don't even share because I'm getting so much attention just sharing the meeting. Sharing seems unnecessary and I don't even feel the desire to talk. But after the meeting, I noticed this girl who comes in late that I hadn't seen in at least a year. I used to see her at some of the other meetings. And she's very pretty. I'm like, I am not quite sure if it's the girl I'm thinking of, though. So right after the meeting, I jet over and established that, oh, it is her. It's really nice to see her again. And then I talked to this other girl who actually often would dress in like sweatpants and a hoodie. But she dressed up and made up tonight. And I talked to her for a while and acknowledged, you know, like, hey, I noticed you got all dressed up tonight. That's cool. And she said something like, you know, how I inspired her or something like that. So I have a nice talk with her.
Then I talked to my sponsee and his throat's sore. So he's ready to go home anyway. So I'm like, yeah, I'm trying to get this girl's phone number if she's single. I was thinking because she moved away and moved back, maybe she'd have ditched a boyfriend. But as soon as she goes outside to talk, I grab her and talk for five or 10 minutes to her. And it turns out she's still got the boyfriend. I'm like, fuck. But she's moving right into my neighborhood now. So I'll maybe see her walking around. I'm like, OK, I'm not going to go after a girl that I know has a boyfriend. I'm not going to try and exchange numbers with her. And that just makes it awkward. But just keep an eye on her. Then the girl in her early 20s I talked to at the beginning who was greeting slips out. Somehow I'm so distracted talking to this other girl that she slips out of the meeting. I don't even get to say goodbye to her. I think about texting her, but I'm like, nah, again, let's, you know, it's better. I'm clearly best in person and my text game has been pretty weak lately. So I'm thinking we'll just see what we can do with her in person.
Then after all the girls leave, me and a couple of the boys get to talking. Me and two of the guys that were there last week talking a while. And then this new guy that the one other guy brought to the meeting. We all get to talking. This one guy goes off telling all kinds of stories about his past, and most of it is from back when he was using drugs or drinking a lot, meeting up with people off of dating apps when everybody's messed up. And it's just crazy. You get in the stupidest things with people that you don't even know or like because you're so desperate and lonely. And I know I don't want to do that again. I have kids. I have what I hope is going to be a successful business. I don't have time to be getting into situationships with women I barely know who are messed up. As critical as my mind was of my ex-wife this morning, it's like, I don't want to get into a relationship with a woman that's not at least as awesome as my ex-wife. Like, for, you know, the character faults that we all have, I could find a woman that her faults are a bit more compatible with mine, but at the same time, I could do a hell of a lot worse too, and I don't want to do that.
So I go home feeling good about like, hey, I'm holding space for a real commitment, a real woman, a family, marriage, a spiritual partnership. I don't have time for all that bullshit. Sure, some of it, we're laughing our asses off talking all kinds of shit, which is great, because if I did have a woman, I wouldn't be exchanging all these stories with the guys afterwards. It felt really good to enjoy being single tonight and talking with all the guys. At the same time, between talking with the acquaintance this morning and the guys tonight, it's like, I know what I want. I want a real woman, a real partnership, family, not that stuff. But I do want a woman that is very interested in having a great life together. I'm really grateful. As I go to bed about 11, I read some of, you know, one of the Seth books, The Unknown Reality, Volume 2. And I was really happy to have a little bit of time to read before I went to bed. And looking forward to tomorrow.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.
Jerry Banfield Tennis: Losing Well and Finding Joy on the Court
Originally published February 25, 2026.
I play tennis as an amateur, a few days a week, and the most useful thing it has taught me is how to lose well. My view now is that losing a point, a set or a whole match tells me something about my technique and my mind, but very little about my worth. That was not always my view. In a February 2025 diary entry I admitted that a shot into the net could make me think "I hate myself," which is a silly response to a ball that did not clear the net. Most of what I have learned since then is about catching that thought and replacing it with something more useful.
This page gathers the tennis posts in one place. Below this opening you will find a contents list and then each post in full. My view developed over time, so the summary here runs from the oldest post to the newest.
My first real lesson was on October 29, 2024. For $80 an hour, the pro told me my serve was fine, which surprised me because I had been sure it was terrible. What he wanted was consistency before power: get the serve in every time, then learn placement, then spin and speed. He also reworked my forehand so I was not tensing up. I wrote about it in the tennis lesson that taught me to ask for help, and the point I keep coming back to is that other people can see your game more clearly than you can while you are busy criticizing it.
By early 2025 I was working on my mind more than my strokes. In a February 2025 diary day I finally won a championship against a younger player who had beaten me every time before, and later that day I was still wrestling with irrational fears. In Tennis, Psychic Change, and the Wealth of Time I lost 6-1, 6-1 to a much better player. Instead of letting frustration run the match, I set an intention: appreciate his skill and focus on learning. I had also watched Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras the night before, and their mistakes looked exactly like mine, just faster and harder.
Not every loss has been graceful. In my most embarrassing moment on the tennis court, from October 14, 2025, I said something to a woman at a nearby clinic that came out as sexual innuendo. I was up a set, then lost the match after my friend took the second set 7-5 and the third 6-4. I laughed for half an hour. The lesson I took was that the mind keeps playing long after the score is settled, and the useful response is to laugh, reset and keep showing up.
In March 2026 a 72-year-old man beat me in singles, 6-4, 6-3, in full sun on a day close to 80 degrees. I wrote about it in The 72-Year-Old Who Beat Me, and I was inspired more than crushed. He still ran down most of the balls and hit a hard serve that gave me trouble, and he had built the kind of long, active life I want at his age.
The post that best captures where I am now is Losing at Tennis and Loving Every Minute. My friend won the first set 6-3 and the second 6-2, and I still left feeling joyful. I stopped chasing winners and focused on hitting my short balls deeper, an idea I had read about in The Tennis Partner, so he could not finish them so easily. I lost, but I finished with a better game and a better workout. Measuring myself by what I learned rather than by the scoreboard is the shift I most want readers to take from this page.
My most recent tennis reflection is about the imaginary audience. In Playing Tennis for a Large Unseen Audience, I describe picturing a crowd and announcers while I play, which keeps me from getting caught in my ego on every shot. If you enjoy the wider side of my life, you may also like my yoga posts or my day-in-my-life vlogs, where tennis shows up alongside everything else.
If you are stuck on a losing streak in sport, business or anything else and want a second set of eyes, you can get a personal video review from me at https://jerrybanfield.com/review/.
On this page
Every post I have written on this subject is below in full, newest first, each under its own heading.
- Playing Tennis for a Large Unseen Audience (June 17, 2026)
- Tennis, Psychic Change, and the Wealth of Time (June 17, 2026)
- A Tennis Championship, a Sushi Date, and Quieting Irrational Fears (June 17, 2026)
- The 72-Year-Old Who Beat Me (March 8, 2026)
Playing Tennis for a Large Unseen Audience
From my video published June 17, 2026.
My friends, I'm about to play tennis for a large audience, but it's an imaginary audience in my head. I think you'll really enjoy hearing this idea, because I've never heard it before. I've never heard anybody say this. When I play tennis, I'm just an amateur tennis player. I play a little bit, a few days a week. A lot of times we get caught completely in our ego trying to make each shot. So instead, I picture that I'm playing professionally. I picture there's a whole big crowd, and there are announcers talking about the game while I'm playing. I picture a bunch of fans who are there for Jerry Banfield, and a bunch of fans who are there for the guy I'm playing against. The same way you might watch a tennis match online, that's how I look at it. I'm playing for a big audience, and I feel the energy of the crowd throughout.
That's been one of the coolest things I've started doing, because it's fun. I feel like I'm performing for a large audience. And really, these videos are kind of the same way. Lots of my videos get thousands of views a day. My videos show tens of thousands of times across YouTube every day, and some on X as well. The fact is, I'm just out here in the park filming a video by myself right now. There's no audience in this moment. But then there ends up being an audience later.
An Audience You Cannot See
What's really cool is there could actually be an audience that's simply unseen. If you think about all the spirits or souls that haven't incarnated yet, all the ones that have passed that haven't reincarnated, all the different forms of life and energy, there may be far more watching than we realize.
My dad came to me in a dream one night, and this was before I started playing tennis. In the dream I was playing tennis, I think professionally, and there was an actual audience there. But I remember looking at the audience and I didn't see my dad in it. Then he came up to me after the game, and I said, "Dad, I didn't see you in the audience." He said, "Well, I was there. I come to all your games." I said, "Well, where? I didn't see you." And he said, "You just need to look harder." That really stuck with me, because my dad had passed about five or six years before the dream. You just need to look harder. You may have an audience you don't even know about.
I very much feel like you're never really alone in this life. I've come to believe that you're always being watched, and that from a certain point of view we're all performing on stage, essentially. There are a ton of spirits and other forms of life that are watching, that are paying attention. So the way I look at it, we're always performing.
I remember when I used to be in my room by myself, doing things by myself that I felt bad about. I remember having this sensation that I was being watched, which left me feeling very uncomfortable, because I thought I was having a private experience that nobody knew about. I reflected on it: I wouldn't be doing this if everybody knew about it. But what if every part of your life somebody does know about? What if no part of your life is actually private? What if you had a thousand people or spirits, however you want to put it, as a massive audience for every single thing you did all the time? It very much seems to me like in this reality we are essentially performing on a stage. We are playing for an audience here, and because of that we're often oblivious to it. We're totally focused on the game and the stage.
What My Friend Told Me About Being Dead
My friend who passed a year and a half ago came to me in a bunch of dreams. In one of them, I asked him, "What's it like being dead?" He said, "It's a big reality." He gave me the impression that his reality is much bigger than mine. What he can see and what he can experience is much more easily accessible for him. The best way to put it is that it's much easier for him to have access to the bigger picture, to see so many other things.
Those of us who are here are kind of focused on the stage. If you picture it like actors and actresses in a movie, we're focused on the movie, we're focused on performing in it, playing our roles, earning our paychecks for it. We're here, focused on the movie. But most of the people who watch the movie are just seeing the movie. Imagine all the actors and actresses in it, with all the little dramas they're going through that they think are so big, that they're so into. From the audience's point of view, the actors and actresses might think nobody's watching. They might think they're all alone. They might think things are hopeless. But all of us watching have a much different point of view.
In fact, lots of times I wish the movie would change. I put on Harry Potter and I think, maybe Voldemort would win this time. That'd make it more interesting, wouldn't it? I have a hard time watching a movie I've already seen now, because I'm tired of it turning out the same way every time. I'm tired of having the same outcome. Every time, Scarface just gets blasted at the end. One time I want him to turn around and blast that guy in the window, just once, and then go get Sosa too. I'm tired of the same thing happening every time. So this reality is a much more interesting version. It's far more interesting than that, and I think we have a huge audience we're not aware of.
Remote Viewing and a Much Bigger Audience
Once you start to become aware of it, things shift. I feel like I have an audience for everything I'm doing all the time, and not just because I do YouTube. YouTube is more of an external representation of that. YouTube very much put the idea in my head. You all aren't going to actually watch me play tennis, but you might imagine it. You might imagine me playing tennis today. In that sense, you're watching to some degree, especially when you look into all the remote viewing material. If you look into remote viewing, you find that if you get yourself into a really relaxed state, you can go observe something else, even in the middle of this body. So imagine if you didn't have this body to distract you with a whole bunch of sense impressions and a whole bunch of thoughts. Imagine what you could look at if you wanted to. Imagine how many people are here now versus how many have ever lived, and all the life forms everywhere in the whole universe. I think we're all playing for a much bigger audience than we think we are.
This really helps me in my day-to-day life, too, to think about how I would like to perform for everybody. It helps me not get stuck thinking that I'm just this little self that's separated. Instead, it's like I'm part of a movie that has a big audience, and I get to ask: what do I want my role to be? I start to step out from being just an actor. I step out of the character in the movie and start remembering, hey, I'm an actor. I'm just playing a part. I can talk to the director about my part. I can make suggestions. I can choose how I play my part. I'm not stuck playing it one way or another. Then I feel empowered. I'm not here just getting a paycheck, the spiritual equivalent of a paycheck. I'm here co-creating, and that really makes it fun. Some of the actors and actresses just don't like their job and go there to collect a paycheck and a lifestyle. Other ones really love it. I'm here to really love my role. If you'd like to follow more of these reflections, you can find them on my Life playlist.
So I'm going to go play tennis now. I'll be playing for all of you. Maybe someday I'll be able to live stream my tennis. I could, but it's too much trouble, and I like to be totally into the moment with what I'm doing. It kind of doesn't make a difference whether I have a YouTube audience watching me play tennis or some theoretical, spiritual audience watching me. It doesn't really matter. That's really powerful for YouTube too. It doesn't matter if you have one viewer. Maybe you have spiritual viewers watching your videos. They don't count as views, but they're still watching them.
Tennis, Psychic Change, and the Wealth of Time
From my video published June 17, 2026.
Dear Diary, this is for February 26, 2025, my 5,021st day on YouTube. Today I'm trying a new background to give people a bit more of an idea of what's in my diary instead of a generic picture. To me, the highlight of my day was playing tennis against a guy who beat me twelve games to two, 6-1, 6-1 in two sets. In the past, I've often gotten very frustrated when I'd hit a shot into the net, hit a shot out of bounds, or double fault my serves. What was really special today is that I appreciated his skill. If he weren't as good, I wouldn't hit as many shots out of bounds or into the net. If he weren't as good, I would have pounded him. He makes me a better player by playing against me.
I appreciated how fast my opponent's serves were today. There were a good number of his serves that were so fast I just couldn't do anything with them. I'd hit them out of bounds. I could hardly even hit the serve at all. Instead of being frustrated and feeling like I suck and that I hate myself, today I just observed the game and watched what was happening. I'd think, okay, so he hit his serve there and I couldn't get to it fast enough, so my racket face was up and I hit the ball and it went out. I watched it with a focus on learning.
I also hit some amazing shots, and he was impressed with some of them. He said one of them was the best shot of the day. He hit a ball hard toward the back left of the court on my backhand, and he was shocked I even got to it. I hit it and didn't think it was going to go over, but it barely cleared the net. It fell right over and died. He just stood there and looked at it. He said, "I can't believe that. I can't believe you got that." And I told him I didn't think it was going over either. He said, "That was the best shot I've seen today." That's fun.
Setting an intention for my mind
What's nice is that in previous tennis games I set the intention, "Dear mind, I want you to figure out how to be happy and enjoy the game. I want you to figure out how to appreciate your opponent's level of skill rather than putting yourself down." The last time I played tennis with the same guy, I remember one time I hit a shot into the net and my first thought was, "I hate myself." Isn't that silly? I hit a shot into the net. Why would you hate yourself over hitting a shot into the net?
I love this body for being able to get out there from 10:30 to 11 a.m. in Florida, in the sun, no sunscreen, because I want to soak all that sun energy up. To get out there and play tennis with a guy who's much better than I am, who's got a fast, hard serve, who can get all over the court and control his shots. If I play close to the net, he'll hit them right past me on the right and the left. If I play back, he'll dink little short shots. He was hitting a bunch of hard, fast shots toward the sides of the court yesterday. I told him, "I've never seen your shots be so accurate, cranking these hard shots to the left and right, right along the middle alley line sides of the court." I just stood there. I can't get that. It's hard and fast. That's a great shot.
What I shared at my AA meeting about psychic change
I went to my Alcoholics Anonymous meeting last night at seven at night. I'm recording this the next day so that I really have the entire day instead of trying to record halfway through the day. The topic was psychic change. What I said is that the biggest psychic change for me was a shift in point of view. I used to think, "I'm a human. My name's Jerry Banfield. This is my life story. I was born in 1984. When I die, that's it. I don't know if there's anything else. Maybe I have a soul, maybe I don't."
To me, the biggest psychic change was going from identifying as "I'm a human being, maybe I have a soul, or maybe there's a God, or maybe there's something, but who I am is just me and this body and this story," to transcending that story and seeing that who I am is much more than a body and a story. In fact, who I am is what created this body. On a bigger level, who I am is what created all bodies and all stories. Who I am is creating all this right now. That's who I am. This body is like a game I'm playing, an adventure I'm having, a journey I'm on. I posted a video on the Jerry Banfield Experience channel called "I Died and Went to the Gray Void," which goes into a dream I had where I died and was in another lifetime and then was very relieved to come back to this one.
I shared at my AA meeting that the biggest psychic change is knowing why I'm here. I'm here because I'm creating this, because I'm choosing to be here. If you want to look at this on the earth, the human level, I'm here to raise the consciousness of humanity, to educate, and to be a teacher among the humans on this planet. That's why I've incarnated in this particular story and I'm playing this particular game.
I caught up with some people, including a girl who did the topic. I hadn't seen her in a while, and it was so nice to catch up with her. I love when people share their real lives with me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Things like, "My job's a bit of a challenge right now. I've been having more arguments with my boyfriend. My health's going great. I'm off the medications. I'm thriving. I'm really happy with my sober life. Overall, my relationship's very good. I'm getting more comfortable with my work. I'm doing my yoga." I love when people share their whole lives with me. That's special to me, because what I've come to believe is really powerful is that diseases like alcoholism, or the addiction of loneliness and isolation, are healed by talking and sharing our experiences with others. That's how we get out of it.
The mile run as a metaphor for this life
After the meeting last night, I ran my seventh day in a row of a one-mile run. It felt so good last night. In just a week of running a mile every day, it felt so good. Instead of just starting the run and wishing for it to be over, I think of the run as a metaphor for this human existence. I believe I've had many, infinite things I've done before this human existence, and there are going to be so many afterward. I don't want this existence to just be over immediately. I want to enjoy it. Some of my previous runs left me feeling, "Hey, I just want to get this over with." Last night it was different. I just wanted to enjoy this. I wanted to enjoy feeling alive.
During my run last night, I focused on a person in my life that I've been feeling fear and resentment toward. I sang in my head the song my wife used to sing to our daughter and our son. I put a little song out called "I Love You So" on my music channels. I sang that song to the person in my head to try to focus loving energy on them, hoping that we could get along with each other. I don't know how that's going to work out. I can aim and picture the result. That's what I can do.
What I shared in my meeting is that people talk about, "Well, God did this for me." In my belief, no. If you think of God as a separate entity, God created me like themselves and gave me all the same powers. I have free will to do whatever I want. I think of God and me as one entity. So if I see something I don't like, what I do is identify it first. I don't like my mind getting all upset and pissed off because I hit tennis shots that don't go in. I identify what I don't like, and then I get specific and say, "I want you, mind. I want you, body. Next time I want you to be appreciative of how skilled your opponent is and how grateful you should be that someone better than you is willing to play with you and to whoop your ass every week. I want you to focus on learning the game, studying the game. I want you to focus on how grateful you are that you're in shape to do this."
Why I needed to watch Agassi and Sampras first
When I set that intention, I do need other people's help. What I didn't tell you about tennis is that the night before, I watched Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras play the US Open quarterfinal in 2001. I watched the two of them play tennis for twenty minutes. And you know what I learned? They do the same stuff I do. Their shots are just coming way faster, harder, and more accurate. But sitting there watching some of the best tennis players in the world whack a shot into the net, hit a shot that goes off into the crowd, hit shots out of bounds, hit a little short shot their opponent can't get to, I realized these are the same things I'm doing out there. It's the same game. The game's just faster and harder and more accurate if you're a professional. And the shots are harder if you're playing somebody better than you, because their shots are faster and more accurate.
So I had to watch them play to help my mind get proper perspective on my play. I couldn't just wish for my mind to change without taking action. I set the destination, then I gave my mind permission to figure it out: "I don't know exactly what you need to do to reprogram, but this is what I want you to do." Then a desire came up, and I swear YouTube reads people's minds. This Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras match came up. The desire came up to watch it, so I watched it, and then I played tennis, and it made a huge difference.
Working with others, and the wealth of time
The girl who was talking to me last night, the one with the relationship, talked to me two years ago and said, "Jerry, I'm single, and I've always struggled with relationships." I completed this same process with her. I said, "Tell me about the kind of guy you'd like to be with. What would he be like?" She told me about the kind of guy she wanted to be with, and she met him shortly afterward. To me, that's how life works. But you've got to work with other people and let other people help you.
I also watched my daughter at car line yesterday. I dropped the kids off early, and then I felt really time wealthy. I felt so rich in time to be able to just sit there and watch my daughter at car line for about ten minutes. I watched her open the doors, and somebody forgot their water, so she ran in and brought it to him. She's dancing around at car line. She's wanted to do car line since she was in kindergarten, and she's in fourth grade now. I'm grateful that I know the value of time wealth.
But I know that because I once sat with a homeless guy. I had a friend who was homeless. I met him when he was homeless, and I used to sit and talk to him sometimes, sometimes for thirty minutes. Sitting next to him, I got this sense of time wealth, like this guy is a billionaire in time. He has all day to do whatever he wants. No responsibilities, nowhere he has to be, nothing he has to do. He could just sit on the curb for hours. Nobody wants anything from him. By comparison to him, I felt time poverty. So just taking ten minutes to sit there and watch my daughter yesterday made me feel like a time millionaire.
I hope my videos are always useful for you to expand your own mind. I'm really excited trying this format to give you a better idea of what I'm talking about in here. If you enjoyed this day in my autobiography, there are many more like it in my Life playlist, and I hope you'll come back for more of them.
A Tennis Championship, a Sushi Date, and Quieting Irrational Fears
From my video published June 17, 2026.
It's my vlog for February 28th, 2025, my 5,023rd day on YouTube. I start off the day waking up with the kids. Laura wakes them up a little after 7 and takes them to school today. I'm playing tennis. Me and another guy in his 30s are going to get out there and play a couple of guys in their 70s. I manage to have some time to get a little bit of my YouTube stuff done before I go out, and then we're on the tennis court at 8:30.
First, me and the young guy team up and we beat the old guy 6-2 playing doubles. Then we switch. The young guy has beaten me in what I call a championship every time so far, so today I am bound and determined I'm going to whoop him. We go to 6-6, and then I win the tiebreaker. Then we switch partners. They get ahead 5-2 and I'm like, ugh, I'm going to get it. We come back and win four games in a row, and then we win the tiebreaker as well for the first time in forever. I win the championship, and I'm so happy to be out there enjoying tennis and being in the sun.
These guys were born decades ahead of me, and they're out here playing in the heat still, able to keep up and hit nice shots. If anything, the two older guys hit a lot fewer errors. Me and the other young guy hit the majority of the errors today for each team we were on. These guys are inspiring to me because they're still out there, still playing, still able to hang with us. That's what I'm aiming at. I feel it's really important to know where you're going and to be able to aim there, because without a clear vision and a sense of how you're going to get there, you're just kind of wandering lost.
A date with Laura at Green Pagoda
After tennis, I come home and get back into doing my videos. The guy comes over to work on the baseboards around the house as well. Laura and I get him set up, and then we go out on a date. I'm so happy to have a date with Laura at a place we've never been before. We go to Green Pagoda. They have sushi and Thai food, which Laura and I love. She loves the ambiance, she loves how they do the ceiling and the decoration, and she loves the vibe of the place. I'm so happy I found it. She's seen it but hasn't been there before.
I normally eat whole plant vegan to keep this body looking beautiful and in shape and functioning very well. Although I've learned that if the body really wants a little bit of meat, give it. I see today there's a fire dragon roll, which has spicy tuna on top with some fish eggs, and shrimp inside. Oh man, it's so good. I eat the whole dragon roll and I wish I'd gotten a seaweed salad. I could have eaten a second one. I actually come home and have some more of the fried rice Laura made last night.
Filming crypto videos in a new hands-on format
I try my first crypto video doing it in this kind of back, hands-on format. It takes me a while to come up with an idea I want to film, and I'm still grinding on that and researching when Madeline's supposed to have a sleepover with her friend at her friend's house today. But we get a message: can we please take the friend? They've had a family emergency. Can we take the friend and have them sleep over at our house? I'm grateful I have such a flexible schedule. I'm like, sure, because Laura's got a work meeting at three. So I just get in the car, drive over, and pick all the kids up from school.
I get them set up here for the sleepover and get them going to a movie, because when they get home they're all fired up from school. Laura's like, should we go to the movie now or at 7 p.m.? She says they'll go to bed anyway. I'm like, no, go to the 4:20 p.m. movie. They go out to see the new Lion King movie, the one about Scar, something like that, and I get to work on my videos.
I have a nice conversation with the guy doing my baseboards as well. I'm trying to apply the conversation tactics that Vanessa Edwards shared, which I'd listened to on her video during a dog walk the other night. That's why I'm doing this with my back from the camera, so you can really see me. I applied it talking to him. I asked, hey, you got anything exciting going on in your life you're all fired up over? And he shared a story about his in-laws buying a manufacturing plant. It was cool. That's something totally new to me. I've never talked to anybody before who was having that kind of experience. It was really cool to ask those questions and to practice the conversation skills instead of just asking generic ones. This is a guy I know from doing yoga, and I was hoping I could get to know him a bit better as well. It was cool to just hear about his life and get his perspective.
I then finally came up with a couple of video ideas. I did a crypto review on another junk coin, and I had an idea to talk about how the Bybit hack will be really positive for pumping up the ICP price. I did both those videos. It's a great experiment doing this hands-on and talking. I got those videos done. I also got the house ready for the sleepover. I changed the sheets in the bedroom, did laundry, and got the rooms put back together after getting the baseboards done. They were ready by the time the kids were home from the movie, so I was ready to help out and wash all the dishes.
Soccer in the dark and the mind's irrational fears
We took some time to play with the neighbor's kid across the street, playing soccer, even though it was dark. The soccer ball kept going in the road, so Laura and I were there to supervise. My mom comes by walking her dog at the same time, which was great because my daughter's friend from school really wanted to see my mom's huge, 100-plus-pound dog, a Great Dane Labrador mix. I got to hang out with my mom and see the dog, and Madeline's friend got to see the dog also, and they got to play with the neighbors and wear themselves out before bed. It was perfect.
While they were playing soccer, I had some fear come up. There are these trees that kind of died, that they planted to shorten their yard, and they have branches at eye level. I'm picturing kids running around in the dark and getting an eye gouged out or something. And I'm like, no, stop that, mind. I'm not interested in that. That's very unlikely.
I'd been having the same kind of thought earlier when I was about to get the sushi with Laura. My mind was saying the spicy tuna is not cooked all the way, or it's not cooked at all. My mind's like, what if you get food poisoning? And I'm like, look how many times, the thousands and thousands of meals I've had out in my life, and I don't think I've ever once gotten food poisoning that wasn't related to me drinking and pouring huge amounts of alcohol down, or eating way too much. Sure, I got the runs after going to a hibachi restaurant, but I had a huge portion of food. If I'd had half the amount of food, I don't know if that happens.
So sometimes these little fear thoughts your mind puts out there are so irrational, so unlikely. My thought is to say, when my mind goes "what if one of the kids gouges their eyes out," I'm like, that's probably not going to happen. I think the odds of that are pretty close to zero. And if it does happen, we'll go get help. The odds of food poisoning are almost zero too. I think there's always a psychological component. In my experience, two people could eat the exact same food, and the person who's healthy, who's calm, who's digesting and processing life, would not get food poisoning. The other person next to them could eat the exact same food, and if they're emotionally disturbed, or in the middle of an addiction or something, they'll get food poisoning.
I told my boss I had food poisoning in 2006. Yeah, I did throw up the night before, and maybe it was something I ate, but it probably was the 11 drinks I had in five hours between dinner time and bed. It probably was the alcohol, not whatever I ate. And yes, one of the drinks did taste a little funny. But if I'd just had even one drink at dinner, I probably wouldn't have been throwing up at the end of the night. With 11 drinks plus a huge dinner, eating out of town, and throwing up at night, it probably was something I did. It probably wasn't just random food poisoning. I'm grateful today that when the mind throws out thoughts like that, I'm like, that's unlikely, I'm not interested in that, move on to another topic. Give me something else to think about.
Getting the house settled and a take on transparency
I'm so grateful that we got the kids in bed by like nine, and it looks like they're actually going to sleep through the night. I pulled out a bed for Laura, so Laura and I are sleeping in the room with Jack, and Madeline and her friend are sleeping in the master bedroom. We're all set up perfectly. I do the rest of the dishes after everybody else is in bed, and then I take the dog for a walk and call my sponsor, since I forgot to call him yesterday. By now it's like 10 o'clock. I call him and he doesn't answer, so I'll talk to him the next day. I get back a little before 11.
I was listening to Elon Musk and Joe Rogan talking, and it's just shocking to see the amount of waste and the insane stuff that's going on in the government. With these wasteful things, you create an NGO, a non-government organization, and it just gets these huge amounts of money. You can basically pay a little bit of money to lobby somebody to get the government to give this organization a whole bunch of money, and then you can siphon that money off to do whatever you want with. There's almost no accountability or transparency for that going on.
Then you're seeing that reported in other news sources as Elon Musk canceling funding to all these poor people, and people are starving. But if you hear him talk about it, and we all know on some level our government is god-awfully wasteful. If you've dealt with the government, you can see how wasteful it is. I'm grateful for at least an attempt, an investigation, into cleaning this stuff up. I'm really excited and I hope we get a lot more of these secrets out there, like the JFK files, UFO files, and Epstein client files. Why are these things being kept secret? On some level we all know they're being kept secret to protect certain people's reputations, and to realize that many of the politicians you voted for, the superstar celebrities, these people have been involved in some horribly nasty stuff. That should all come out.
I'm a big believer in transparency. I live my life in a way where I take actions I'm comfortable with everybody knowing about. To me, transparency is what will stop a lot of the things you think are bad from happening. If all of us have to be transparent, this is going to be a real nice planet. If you enjoy following along with days like this, you can find more over on my Life playlist. It was a fantastic day today. I appreciate you enjoying the day with me, and I'm looking forward to seeing what Saturday, March 1st, holds.
The 72-Year-Old Who Beat Me
Originally published March 8, 2026.
This is my journal entry from March 8, 2026 — my real, unedited day, shared just as it happened.
Daylight savings time got me good this morning. I didn't set my clock that's in my room that's my alarm, and I get a text message a little after 6 a.m. Like, why the hell did that go off already? I'm like, oh shit, because it's 7 a.m. My Do Not Disturb turned off. I forgot about daylight savings time. I get up, adjust all the clocks, have my usual Larabar, banana and seaweed snacks for breakfast. Then I go over to my ex-wife's house after taking a little walk around Crescent Lake Park. I arrive there and hang out with the kids for about an hour. They're going to be out the rest of the day. So this is the only time that I'm going to be able to see them. I get lots of snuggles with my son in his bed, which is really nice. And I get a chance to talk with my daughter and my ex-wife a bit. I snuggle with my son a bit on the couch as well.
Then when I go to leave, my ex-wife tells him he has to eat his burrito before he goes. He starts crying and fussing. And I'm like, you know, that's such a manipulative strategy there of like trying to, I'm leaving my ex-wife's house, walking the kids over, feeling very grateful that we're not married anymore. Like, I can't stand how she does little shit like that to like offload feelings and manipulate and control. I'm glad my son and I don't have that dynamic together. And I leave her house feeling kind of like, that's ugly doing that. Like she didn't need to do that at all. Just let me have breakfast without interfering and trying to control him. Like it's so unnecessary. She even, you know, she realizes she killed the mood with my time over with the kids. She gives me a hug and says she's sorry. And I'm kind of close hearted. I'm like, I got to get out of here. This is why I'm very happy to be out of this marriage because she did that kind of thing to me all the time, too. Like so gently and subtly manipulative that like you don't even realize exactly what's happening. You just suddenly feel bad. And then it feels like your fault, too.
All that said, my ex-wife is an amazing woman. And I did enjoy most of our marriage. And it's very easy to miss the marriage and the things that were good in it. And I'm very grateful for a reminder of why I'm not in the marriage anymore also, because sometimes it can feel like I wish I was in the marriage again. I get to my mother's house and say hi to her and drop the kids off, but they're ready to get rid of me. And I head to tennis.
I get to the tennis courts with a tennis partner, who we're playing ultimate tennis with. The guys that beat me also beat him. So I'm like, all right, I might have a chance against this guy. He, as I get to know him, he's 72 years old. So this guy could easily be my father. And he's out here. We start at 11 a.m. The match wraps up at 1 p.m. His whole shirt sweated out. He can still move and get to most of the balls. His shots, he has a nice hard serve that screws me up returning it lots of times. I get started winning, and I'm feeling pretty good, like I might actually win this one. I go up quickly 2-0, but he manages to win the first set 6-4. Then I go up again in the second set to start out, and then my fucking tennis game just unravels, and he beats me 6-3 in the second set. I can't even be very mad at my game, though. Because I'm so proud of this guy and inspired by him. I'm like, this is awesome. This guy is at least 30 years older than me. He's 31 years older than me. And he just beat me like it's hot outside. It's in full sun. It's close to 80 degrees. And he just beat me in singles tennis and it wasn't like just because he stood there and hit all accurate shots, like he ran around the court and played with me. I'm like, this is so inspiring. Like this is exactly where I want to be in 31 years, is out here still playing singles tennis beating guys that are 30 years younger than me.
I talked to him a bit more and it turns out he got divorced when he was 41 from his first wife, and then he had more kids with his second wife. His youngest son and his first grandson were born within nine months of each other. I'm like, man, sometimes I doubt and think, oh, you know, my life's fucked. I'm not going to find another woman to have kids with. And I look at this guy and I'm like, he is literally living what I'm doubting is possible for me. Like, this is exactly what I want. I want a woman that I can have several more kids with. And here's a guy that's already done it and is in great shape. Like, I want to be in the same kind of shape that he is in my 70s. I go home feeling so inspired. I'm like, this is awesome. This is the second guy I've ran into with a bunch of kids from two different women who beat me at singles tennis in the heat of the day and could be my father. Meanwhile, my late father's been dead since 2014 because he lost his passion for life and mostly sat in front of the TV in his later years. I'm like, these guys are like my new father figures. It's awesome, but they're healthier than the guys in the meetings. Meeting a man three decades older who built the exact family life I keep doubting is possible reminded me it's not too late, and if you're quietly afraid you've missed your chance at something, I'd love to talk it through with you on a call with me.
I head home, and I look that I've got five hours now before my recovery meeting, and I'm going to absolutely go to work on my work. I remember back this morning, though, when I was walking around Crescent Lake, I ran into an acquaintance who I've known for a year or two. She's nice and lean. She's attractive. She's in her 40s. I ran into her walking around Crescent Lake, and we talked for like 30 minutes. We had a great conversation. I told her why I don't go to my old yoga studio anymore. And she shared, you know, what's new with her. And one thing I said to her was like, I don't want a fuck buddy. Like that's what so many people do, especially in my demographic, like, you know, a dad or a single parent in their forties, like people are just getting fuck buddies. Like, you know, having somebody they see a few times a week just to have sex. And there's like almost nothing more to the relationship. I'm like, that's horrible. That's the last thing I want. And I don't want to be distracted by a fuck buddy either. Like, I want a partner, a teammate. I want the spiritual growth together. I want, you know, what I had with my ex-wife, but with somebody else where we grow together and make it work better for even longer. Like, that's all I want.
And I leave talking to her. She's like, well, I guess, you know, we'll see you around or something. I'm like, well, I don't go to my old yoga studio anymore and I don't know where we'll see each other. I leave thinking we should have exchanged numbers that way we can meet up. But then I'm thinking, well, why would we bother exchanging numbers like we have so little in common? It seems kind of pointless. I end up running into her again on the other side of Crescent Lake right when she's getting in the car. And I'm like, you know, why don't we exchange numbers in case you want to meet up, because we're probably not going to run into each other much anymore going forward. Like, I haven't seen her in months. So I get my phone number to her. Then I walk away thinking, fuck, I shouldn't even have bothered exchanging numbers. What is the point? Why even bother doing that? It's just unnecessary complication. I don't think we are people that will have each other in our inner circles or anything, be that great of friends. It's just a passing acquaintance, man. You should just let it go. I'm like, all right, I'll keep that in mind for next time.
I blast through stuffing 200 letters while I'm at home. Now, so fast forward, that was first thing this morning. Then let's go back to like 2 p.m. I've showered. I've had some bean nachos for lunch. And now I listen to the book Cloistered, which is an interesting story of a nun, read by the author Catherine Coldstream. Cloistered, my years as a nun. Like this is just so interesting to get into a world that's, you know, actually has a lot in common with the way I live. And yet, you know, so different on the surface. Like in a lot of ways, I was at a similar place after my dad died that she was, but she went and became a nun, and I got sober. Well, often the same kind of baseline desire for more to life, but we found it in different ways. I'm listening to this book for two hours as I stuff envelopes, and then I get to work on my journaling. There's only three days left, which still is like 20,000 words. But I stuff 200 envelopes to get ready for when I get my stamp, and I can deliver these door to door. I edit about 15 plus thousand words from my journaling. I can see the end in sight. And it's good motivation to keep these entries shorter. Like, damn, I can't believe I rambled like 30, 40 minutes.
I wrap all that work up. I feel very good about getting all that done. I love that I just work like crazy when I'm at home now. And I also look up my credit score for a little more motivation to work. I'm like, fuck, I tanked my credit score 150 points in the last three months. It was over 800 before and we're down to like 650. I still can take another balance transfer for like 9,000 and I got 8,000 more coming from the IRS and I have over 15,000 more in the bank. So even if I'm blowing through eight grand a month, still should have at least four months left where I don't have to make money and any money I do make extends that timetable. So I'm going all out, baby. Let's hope this book shit works in the next four months. Betting my runway on this writing working out is exactly the kind of all-in decision I love helping people think through, so if you're weighing a leap like that, set up a call with me and bring it to our call.
After I do all that, I get dressed and go to my recovery meeting to chair. There's a girl that got sober a few years ago there that's doing a topic, which is great. The pretty girl who's newly sober and in her early 20s, I make sure to give her a big hug as she's greeting tonight and take a couple of minutes to pay attention to her, talk about the jewelry she's wearing, make some good eye contact. But after the meeting, the meeting itself goes very well. And there's laughter and a lot of good shares. I don't even share because I'm getting so much attention just sharing the meeting. Sharing seems unnecessary and I don't even feel the desire to talk. But after the meeting, I noticed this girl who comes in late that I hadn't seen in at least a year. I used to see her at some of the other meetings. And she's very pretty. I'm like, I am not quite sure if it's the girl I'm thinking of, though. So right after the meeting, I jet over and established that, oh, it is her. It's really nice to see her again. And then I talked to this other girl who actually often would dress in like sweatpants and a hoodie. But she dressed up and made up tonight. And I talked to her for a while and acknowledged, you know, like, hey, I noticed you got all dressed up tonight. That's cool. And she said something like, you know, how I inspired her or something like that. So I have a nice talk with her.
Then I talked to my sponsee and his throat's sore. So he's ready to go home anyway. So I'm like, yeah, I'm trying to get this girl's phone number if she's single. I was thinking because she moved away and moved back, maybe she'd have ditched a boyfriend. But as soon as she goes outside to talk, I grab her and talk for five or 10 minutes to her. And it turns out she's still got the boyfriend. I'm like, fuck. But she's moving right into my neighborhood now. So I'll maybe see her walking around. I'm like, OK, I'm not going to go after a girl that I know has a boyfriend. I'm not going to try and exchange numbers with her. And that just makes it awkward. But just keep an eye on her. Then the girl in her early 20s I talked to at the beginning who was greeting slips out. Somehow I'm so distracted talking to this other girl that she slips out of the meeting. I don't even get to say goodbye to her. I think about texting her, but I'm like, nah, again, let's, you know, it's better. I'm clearly best in person and my text game has been pretty weak lately. So I'm thinking we'll just see what we can do with her in person.
Then after all the girls leave, me and a couple of the boys get to talking. Me and two of the guys that were there last week talking a while. And then this new guy that the one other guy brought to the meeting. We all get to talking. This one guy goes off telling all kinds of stories about his past, and most of it is from back when he was using drugs or drinking a lot, meeting up with people off of dating apps when everybody's messed up. And it's just crazy. You get in the stupidest things with people that you don't even know or like because you're so desperate and lonely. And I know I don't want to do that again. I have kids. I have what I hope is going to be a successful business. I don't have time to be getting into situationships with women I barely know who are messed up. As critical as my mind was of my ex-wife this morning, it's like, I don't want to get into a relationship with a woman that's not at least as awesome as my ex-wife. Like, for, you know, the character faults that we all have, I could find a woman that her faults are a bit more compatible with mine, but at the same time, I could do a hell of a lot worse too, and I don't want to do that.
So I go home feeling good about like, hey, I'm holding space for a real commitment, a real woman, a family, marriage, a spiritual partnership. I don't have time for all that bullshit. Sure, some of it, we're laughing our asses off talking all kinds of shit, which is great, because if I did have a woman, I wouldn't be exchanging all these stories with the guys afterwards. It felt really good to enjoy being single tonight and talking with all the guys. At the same time, between talking with the acquaintance this morning and the guys tonight, it's like, I know what I want. I want a real woman, a real partnership, family, not that stuff. But I do want a woman that is very interested in having a great life together. I'm really grateful. As I go to bed about 11, I read some of, you know, one of the Seth books, The Unknown Reality, Volume 2. And I was really happy to have a little bit of time to read before I went to bed. And looking forward to tomorrow.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.
My Most Embarrassing Moment on the Tennis Court
Originally published October 14, 2025.
This is my journal entry from October 14, 2025, part of my daily autobiography Sober Through Separation — my real, unedited days, published in order.
I couldn’t stop laughing for half an hour tonight over something I said—“I wish I could come.” The phrase itself isn’t funny until you know the context. I’ve been listening to The Game by Neil Strauss, which is wild because I used to watch a ton of Owen Cook’s old “free tour” videos on YouTube without realizing he’s actually RSD Tyler—Tyler Durden—the same guy from Strauss’s pickup artist circle. It’s strange how these worlds overlap. Different mediums, same ideas, just resurfacing years later in my life when I’m suddenly open to them again.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about working on my pickup game. I want to practice approaching women again—be more fun, confident, cocky, playful. I’ve been too serious for too long. It makes sense though; after being married for over a decade, I conditioned myself to be boring and lukewarm at best, partly out of fear that if I showed too much energy or charm, I’d be “asking for trouble.” But now, everything’s flipped. Suddenly I want the opposite—to walk up to the hottest woman in the room, talk to her, and see what happens. Maybe even see how crazy she is.
Tonight, I met my friend for a men’s singles ladder match at the tennis club. Our court was right next to one of the women’s tennis clinics, which I saw as the perfect chance to try “peacocking”—the art of getting attention, like a male peacock showing off its feathers. I got to the club early, around 5:40 p.m. for our 6:00 match. My friend showed up early too, and we started warming up. I won the first set 6–2, and we moved to another court for the second since I could only reserve the first one for an hour. The new court was ideal because it still had visibility to the women’s clinic.
The most attractive woman there—probably out of fifteen or twenty—was pushing her bike across the courts near us. My mind immediately kicked into The Game mode. This was my moment to practice. I looked at her and said something like, “Did you have fun playing over there?” She said she did, and I—without thinking—replied, “I wish I could come.”
The second it left my mouth, I died inside. I could barely hold it together. I meant “I wish I could come to the women’s clinic,” but of course, it sounded exactly like what it sounded like. My brain instantly roasted me: I bet you do, bro. I bet you do.
I couldn’t stop laughing. I lost at least two games because I was so thrown off. It was one of those moments so embarrassing it became hilarious. I hadn’t talked to a woman like that in so long that my rust showed instantly. I’d been waiting for a perfect setup, and the first thing out of my mouth turned into sexual innuendo. Classic.
When the women started another clinic and were in full view of our court, I made things even worse by missing several easy shots in a row. I started overcompensating—jumping around, exaggerating my follow-throughs, acting like I was performing for an audience. At this point, I wasn’t even pretending to play seriously; I was pure theater.
The coach on the court next to us joked that he wished he was still eighteen, and I thought, Man, I feel eighteen right now. Peacocking on the court, saying dumb shit to women, and loving every awkward second of it. Despite the disaster, it felt good to be in the game again—to be out there, taking risks, laughing at myself instead of hiding behind caution or fear. Getting back in the game after years of playing it safe is so much easier with support, and if you're rebuilding your life, you can schedule a one-on-one call with me.
Later, I saw that same woman had a picture on her phone with a good-looking guy who, judging by his expression, definitely wasn’t her brother. She probably has a boyfriend. That’s fine—my job is to approach, not to expect results. Funny enough, she left her phone sitting on top of my tennis bag at one point. I noticed it and laughed to myself: That’s about as close as I’m getting tonight. Still, I’ll take it.
My friend eked out the second set 7–5, but by the end his legs were cramping badly. I told him about how my friend had to forfeit against me once because he got too tired halfway through the second set to finish me off. My friend was determined not to suffer the same fate. Still, the cramps kept getting worse, so he started swinging for winners on every shot—and somehow, it worked. He stopped trying to rally and began crushing balls down the lines and corners. Ironically, by refusing to move much, he actually started playing better and whooping on me.
We’d had an epic game earlier that went to more than ten deuces, and that’s when his legs really began to seize up. I was proud I even got the second set as close as I did, especially considering I’d been down 5–2 after laughing so hard about “I wish I could come.”
The third set was competitive. I started bombing serves—some so fast that my friend didn’t even swing. I’d love to know how fast they were clocking in, because it felt like I was finally serving at the level I used to dream about. When I first started playing tennis, I used to watch people hit aces and think, Man, that’s when you know you’ve made it. Now I was hitting serves that exploded off the line and left him frozen.
Last year, my friend had a monster serve too, but it went out so often he switched to a safer spin serve. I told him I missed that old cannon of his. To me, the sexiest serve in tennis is the one you blast disgustingly hard and watch rocket past your opponent before they can even react. One of mine hit the line and bounced off unpredictably—he laughed and even complimented my serve afterward, which felt good.
He managed to squeak out the win in the third set, 6–4. Later, he texted me saying he was still cramping up. I had no idea how to reply—what do you even say to that? I just felt good that we’d pushed each other that hard.
I made it home right around 8:30 p.m., just in time to say goodnight to the kids—five minutes after my ex-wife had put them to bed and turned the lights out. She’d been watching me on the phone, tracking the match, so she knew when I’d be done.
Earlier that evening, before we left the courts, I overheard one of the women in the clinic shout, “Scheisse,” which is German for “shit.” I couldn’t help saying, “Oh, you’re speaking German out here!” She laughed and said she picked it up from the coach. I joked back in German that I spoke a little too, but nobody else said anything. That’s when it hit me again—I know what I need to do. I need to keep peacocking. It doesn’t matter how often it doesn’t “work.” What matters is how much fun I’m having.
Peacocking feels natural to me—playful, bold, expressive. I’ve been doing it my whole life, long before I knew the word for it. It’s what made me famous online in the first place. I’d throw on a women’s tube top, act ridiculous, and get thousands of dudes clicking on my stream wondering what the hell was going on. That’s the essence of peacocking—making people look, laugh, and feel something. And that’s exactly the energy I’m bringing back into my real life.
When I got back to my apartment, I put The Game back on. Neil Strauss was describing his wild pickup-artist exploits, and I looked around my little bachelor pad feeling like my life kind of sucked in comparison. But that’s okay. I’m learning. I’m growing. And honestly, I’m not trying to be one of these fuckboys anyway.
I thought about Owen Cook—RSD Tyler, Tyler Durden—the same guy from those old pickup videos I used to watch. He’s charismatic, sure, but the man’s got kids with multiple women and doesn’t seem to have any kind of steady, loving relationship. That’s not what I want. I don’t want to be the guy approaching women for the rest of his life… although part of me wonders if maybe I do.
Lying in bed that night, I realized I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore, or who to think about—though at least I wasn’t scrolling through dating profiles again. My mind drifted to a massage therapist I know, even though she still hadn’t messaged me back since Friday. She’s in Sarasota, and it probably makes sense for both of us to look closer to home. If you’re in that place of not quite knowing what you want next either, sometimes it helps to say it out loud to someone, and you’re welcome to book a private call with me to think it through.
Afterward, I showered and got back to work editing my diary transcripts through ChatGPT. I’d hit 32,000 words so far, and at this pace, I should have the next diary book finished within a few days.
Out of curiosity, I made the mistake of checking my Amazon sales for the first time since publishing. I’ve spent hundreds of dollars printing books and giving them away, and I’ve made maybe twenty bucks in online sales. Still, I’m glad I checked. Amazon doesn’t shove analytics in your face like YouTube does. The books will be there indefinitely—books I can look back on years from now to see exactly where I was in life. Books my kids can read someday. Books that might even inspire someone to work with me.
While I was showering, I had another idea. I realized I need to tell women something different when they ask what I do. The other day at yoga, I told a girl I was a writer, and I could feel her interest drop instantly. A writer? It sounded like code for broke dreamer. I need something better. Next time a woman asks what I do, I’m going to say, “I charge people hundreds of dollars an hour to talk to me—so I hope you’re enjoying the free chat.” It’s cocky, confident, and funny.
Of course, if I’m going to say that, I actually need to charge that much. Right now, I offer private two-hour sessions, and my AA-style meeting is called “444.” So it feels natural to price two hours with me around that number. Someone already spending that kind of money won’t blink at a small difference.
And who knows—if these books ever really start circulating, people might come from out of town just to meet me. Someone might book a flight, get a hotel, and spend an entire week doing daily sessions. That’s what Neil Strauss described in The Game—how he paid $500 to attend a workshop with Mystery. I could be that kind of person for others: someone people travel to see, just to talk, learn, and grow.
I don’t really like the idea of running workshops anymore. They sound great in theory, but the logistics kill it—building lists, organizing groups, teaching on a fixed schedule. That’s not the life I want. I’d rather just be the guy people pay $400 for a couple of hours to hang out, talk, or play board games with. That feels natural to me—personal, spontaneous, fun. And honestly, that would make rent easy. Five of those sessions a week would be over $2,000, more than $8,000 a month, plus whatever royalties eventually come in from my books. That’s a lifestyle I can actually see myself enjoying.
I started tonight’s diary with the tennis story because it was too funny not to, but now I’ll rewind to this morning. The kids had school, though it felt like a Monday since they’d had the previous day off. After dropping them off, I went to a 9 a.m. yoga class with one of the best instructors. I was keeping an eye out for women I could try an approach on, but none really caught my attention. There was one next to me I thought about talking to, but she got up and left early. I laughed to myself, thinking, Well, you just saved yourself from me approaching you today.
I’ve been thinking I need some kind of routine—a playful but genuine way to go deeper with women I meet. Something that doesn’t feel forced but still opens a real connection. An idea hit me: what if I told a girl, “Hey, I want to practice my psychic readings on you. It works best on someone I don’t know at all. Want to give it a shot?” Sure, some girls would think I’m a total weirdo, but the yoga crowd is usually open-minded—at least two-thirds of them would be down to play along.
Then I could start with something like, “I think your name starts with an A sound,” and see if I get lucky with a detail. “Are you single or in a relationship?” I could make it fun, teasing them into revealing things about themselves without it feeling like a normal conversation. Ideally, they’d walk away curious about me, maybe even eager to give me their number, and then we’d go out, have sex all the time, and she’d want to have my kids and support my writing career. Perfectly reasonable, right?
After yoga, I called my mom around 10:15 a.m. to take her to MacDill Air Force Base like we’d planned, but she wasn’t ready yet. I stayed home, had some hummus, and worked on setting up my office. Everything’s finally organized—computer plugged in, workspace clean—and I submitted I Was Famous on the Internet to Kindle today. I got the email later tonight confirming it’s live.
Part of me hopes Kindle Unlimited might actually work for me. I Was Famous on the Internet feels like the kind of book that could do well there. Still, I probably need to run some ads to get initial traction. A few clicks, some steady visibility—something to get the algorithm moving. But I don’t want to throw money away on ads until I’ve got more books published. If I only have two or three, what’s the point? Once I have ten or more, though, a single ad could generate $40 or $50 in royalties. Then it starts to make sense. And who knows—maybe those ads could bring in people willing to drop $400 for an in-person session, too.
After about an hour getting everything in my office set up, my mom called to say she was finally ready to go. I walked down to her house, and we got into her silver Ford Explorer to drive over to MacDill Air Force Base. For some reason, I felt a little sad today. My ex-wife’s leaving tomorrow for a work trip—the same trip that was supposed to be our little annual getaway, our one time a year to just be together somewhere different. Now she’s going alone, and I’ll be staying home doing my usual routines: writing, yoga, and tennis. It hit me that I wasn’t sad because of her trip itself, but because this visit to the base was different. This time I was going there to shop for myself—for my house—not for our family. The realization carried a quiet grief, the kind that doesn’t scream but hums in the background. Still, I felt grateful to be spending time with my mom. There’s always a sense of nostalgia driving onto the base—the smell of the air, the military structure of the buildings, the feeling that I’m revisiting a chapter from years ago.
Earlier that morning at yoga, I’d been wondering if anyone would notice my haircut. A woman I’ve seen in class for years did, and we always say hi. She usually comes in a few minutes after class starts, which I secretly like because it makes me feel better about coming in late myself. One of the instructors always says, “Some is better than none,” encouraging people to join no matter when they can make it. She glanced at me and said, “Nice haircut—looks good on you.” I told her thanks. She’s married, and I don’t flirt with women who are taken, but I appreciated her saying it. I’d been wondering if I looked better with this cleaner style, and that quick validation felt nice.
In The Game, Neil Strauss talks about how crucial grooming is, and it made me realize how many times I’ve let my hair get long and sloppy in the past, especially with my ex-wife. It was easy to rationalize—why bother if I’m already married? But now, I’m thinking differently. If I want to peacock properly, I need to keep myself sharp. It reminds me of that Katy Perry song about wanting to see someone’s “peacock.” Exactly.
So I took my new buzz cut out to MacDill, wearing this gold eagle necklace my mom bought me there last year from one of the outdoor vendors. We walked through the Exchange, and it took me way too long to find the toothpaste aisle. Finally, just as I spotted it, a guy in uniform walked by, glanced at my necklace, and said, “Hey, I love your necklace—it looks expensive.” I smiled and told him it wasn’t, that it cost less than $100 and he could get it right outside. He looked genuinely happy to hear that, thanked me, and walked off.
I felt validated—like, damn, even a good-looking man in uniform just complimented me. Then of course my mind couldn’t resist spinning: Was that just him being nice? Or was he gay? Either way, it made me laugh to myself as we kept shopping.
I honestly couldn’t tell what kind of energy I was putting out. The compliment from the man in uniform had me thinking about attraction and how people perceive me. It also made me think of an old friend of mine — the first gay man I ever got close to, back around 2009. That friendship changed me. Back then I carried a lot of homophobia I’d absorbed from my father, and I’d never really thought for myself about it. Once he came out to me, I realized it simply didn’t matter to me — if anything, our friendship deepened, and I let go of a prejudice I’d never actually chosen.
Anyway, what a tangent — all this because a guy complimented my necklace.
After finishing up at the Exchange with my mom, we decided to grab lunch. I went to Subway while she skipped eating—she’d wanted a juice from a nearby place, but it had just closed and was being replaced by a new Mexican restaurant with some long name. I made it my mission at Subway to practice being confident, funny, and playful, even if I wasn’t trying to pick anyone up.
The woman on the far right behind the counter wasn’t having it—mask on, no smile, just grinding through her shift. But the other two women were cracking up by the time I was done ordering. One of them laughed the hardest when I asked, “Do you ever dream about Subway?” She said, “No way, I get enough of this while I’m here.” It felt good to make people laugh again, just for fun.
After we ate—well, after I ate—we headed to the commissary to shop. I loaded up the cart, going full prepper mode. I bought ten packs of six seaweed snack bags each, because they were only $4.62 per pack with no tax, compared to around $16 for sixteen of them on Amazon. That kind of math makes me feel like I’m winning at life, even if it’s just with seaweed.
The sadness really hit me in the commissary. Walking through those aisles, I couldn’t help remembering all the times I’d come here with my ex-wife and the kids—shopping as a family, laughing, filling the cart with things for our home together. Even when I’d come with my mom before, it was for all of us. This time, it was just for me. That shift hurt in a quiet, subtle way.
Still, I bought the kids their vitamins—they’re only eight dollars and some change here instead of sixteen at Whole Foods. Mom and I filled the cart to the brim, chatting with the workers and navigating the aisles together. She’s always friendly with people, the kind who can strike up an easy conversation anywhere. The total came out to just under $500, which I reminded her was actually less than what we’ve spent before.
Since she has the military ID, she’s the one who pays at the commissary. I figured if she asked for a couple hundred back, I’d give it to her, or if she went through the receipt and highlighted things, I’d send her something. But she didn’t ask, and I didn’t offer. She’s a great mom, and I know she likes helping me out, especially now that I’m going through the divorce. Besides, she spent thousands flying out for my brother’s second wedding—she won’t have to spend anything for mine, whenever that happens. If I can even find a hostage to take around here. Just kidding. What I really want is a lovely woman who sees me as the man she’s been waiting for—someone who realizes she’s been settling for shallow sex and empty relationships with men who never showed up fully.
When we got back, I split the groceries between houses—brought a bag over to my ex-wife’s for the kids, then took the rest to my place. By four o’clock, I was at my men’s AA meeting, reading a story from Experience, Strength, and Hope, the book that collects stories cut from the first three editions of the Big Book. I picked one about a guy who was a five-time convicted felon who found sobriety in prison. I didn’t know why that story stood out to me—it just did. After I finished reading, a few other men shared that they’d been to prison too, and the story really spoke to them. I sat there thinking, Damn. That’s some intuitive, psychic-level shit right there.
That kind of thing happens to me a lot—these little flashes of intuition that seem to land exactly where they need to. It’s why I want to find someone in town who can actually help me develop my psychic ability further. Not some amateur with tarot cards or generic “energy readings,” but someone who knows how to train intuition properly. Someone who can teach me to read people quickly and clearly—to strengthen the sensitivity I already have.
After the meeting, I came back to my bachelor house, got ready for tennis with my friend, and showed up twenty minutes early—rare for me. Just a couple of hours later, I’d be on that same court saying to a beautiful woman, “I wish I could come.” It still makes me laugh.
I love taking this tour through my mind and pouring it all out onto paper. Hardly anyone’s read my books yet, but I already see myself as a best-selling author. Someday, someone will find all of this—start with Author in St. Petersburg and keep reading through every diary, every page of my life—and they’ll think it’s the best thing they’ve ever read.
If that’s you, thank you. I appreciate you. I see you. Well, not literally—I’m sitting alone on my couch right now, ready for bed—but I feel you in spirit. And I hope someday we get the chance to actually talk.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.
The Tennis Lesson That Taught Me to Ask for Help
From my video published October 29, 2024.
On October 29, 2024, I took a tennis lesson for the first time, and it was really helpful. If you get anything out of this, it's that asking people for help makes such a big difference in life.
I am really enjoying playing tennis. I've been a member of my racket club that's down the street from my house for a few months, and I've spent hours and hours playing tennis and hitting on the ball machine. Today I paid for an hour lesson with one of the tennis pros, and it was so helpful. From his point of view, he said my fundamentals are very strong, and if I work on some of these things more and put more time on the court, I'm going to see how good I can get. It left me feeling really excited, whereas I'd been playing and kind of focusing on the negatives. Sometimes we need other people in life to help us focus on our positives.
My serve isn't as bad as I thought it was
I thought my tennis serve was horrible. I serve and it's so bad, and anyone decent can just crush the return, and I'm useless. But from his point of view, I showed him my serve and he said, your serve is not as bad as you're saying. Your serve is fine. You're hitting the ball overhead, it's consistently going in, your serve is fine. You just need to practice being more consistent with it.
I'd been thinking my serve is too slow, that I need to be able to crush it, and that my serve sucks until I can hit some hard serve. And he said, no, what you need to be able to do is first be consistent with your serve so that it goes in all the time, and then be precise with it, where you can put it in one part of the box or another depending on the situation. Then you can work on putting spin and speed on it. But what's most important is that your serve actually goes in — and your serve is fine from the rest of where your game is at. Your serve is not so bad.
One small adjustment to my forehand
He showed me how to do a forehand, and it was amazing. Just adjusting my technique felt a little worse at first — well, it felt better, but my accuracy was all over the place. Yet some of the shots, I was just able to effortlessly hit the ball right back over the net.
He's also helping me see how to not strain your muscles, because if you're doing a nice smooth shot, you're not tensing your muscles, and that'll lead to fewer injuries in life and less pain from playing. So for $80, this feedback was extremely helpful today. And I helped him work and do something he's good at and provide his own living. I love that I'm learning and growing and doing these new things.
The periods where I've struggled the most
The periods where I've struggled the most in my life were where I was bored and I needed to learn and do some other things, but I wouldn't. I would just drink and keep doing the same things, like playing video games by myself and complaining about the world. And just doing something like a tennis lesson, when the coach leaves me feeling really good, changes that.
I'm so grateful, because I do these crypto videos on my Jerry Banfield crypto channel that supports me a full-time living, combined with my wife having a full-time job and us having a home together. A few months ago, I was really toxic and hating what I do as a content creator. Today, two months later, I'm really grateful that all I have to do is show up and film a video. Then I have time to play tennis. I have time to do yoga. I'm going to get a massage later. I'm going to spend a few hours with the kids and take my son to his hip hop dance class. I'm going to put the kids to bed tonight while my wife does her Pilates class.
I'm so grateful that I have so much free time, because I know there are lots of people out there who don't. In the past, I used to spend a lot more time working and have a lot less free time myself.
Teaching by example
I hope that my diaries will be the very best teaching I can offer — my own lived experience, my own example of what I'm actually doing in my real life. There are so many books out there that will tell you what to do and give you this perfect recipe for all these other areas of your life. Where I really see my role is as a teacher, and the best way I know to teach is to teach by example.
My tennis coach today showed me how to hit shots. He said, here's how you do your serve, you spin this way, you hit it that way; here's how you do your backhand; here's how you do your forehand. Now I want you to show me, do what I'm doing. And then I do what he's doing, and I'm like, wow — even when I'm awkward and I haven't practiced it, it goes better. So getting other people's feedback on our lives is super helpful.
I'm super excited and grateful today, and I hope I've shared that effectively with you. If you enjoy these diaries, you can watch my newest videos in my Life playlist.