This is my journal entry from December 25, 2025 — my real, unedited day, shared just as it happened.
I had a nice Christmas today, although I don't give a flying fuck about holidays. When people are trying to tell me Merry Christmas, I'll say thank you. Because what a bullshit holiday. Jesus wasn't even born anywhere close to Christmas. And as I've ranted on before, the holiday, the winter festivities, was stolen from the pagans. And now today it's all about celebrating materialism and religious dogma. Total fucking bullshit. I'm not going to act like I even give two shits or participate in this. That said, I want to honor and respect other people. So I went over this morning. I got to my ex-wife's house a little before 7, after my daughter called me on her mom's phone at 6:43 and said they were ready to go, which I'm glad we get that much time to sleep.
Got up and I had a nice time over there watching the kids open presents, and they gave me a couple of presents. My daughter gave me a dryer lint ball that I can put essential oils on, so I'm excited to use that. My ex-wife was very warm, and we had a really nice time together, and I started to feel a lot of attraction this morning over there. I don't know if it was me or her or the Christmas spirit or what, but I was like, damn, I don't usually feel this much energy, and I'm feeling it.
The kids were really happy with all their presents. My ex-wife got my son a tabletop pinball set that he was enjoying, and these metal tops that battle each other -- you spin them really fast, drop them into an arena, and they battle each other. It's really sweet. My ex-wife also got a ping pong attachment to put onto the kitchen table, which is a nice height for ping pong, which is so fun. I was over there for about an hour. Then they went down to her family's house, and I came back here to my house. Quiet moments like ping pong and presents with my kids are what I treasure most, and if you want to share the ups and downs of rebuilding with people who get it, come build this with us in the Family.
I had a few hours then before getting ready for yoga at my yoga studio, so I first went to work doing letters. I got about 50 letters or so addressed and ready to go. Then I put some time into the dating apps. I am working on a new system that makes sense. And I thought about it and talked to ChatGPT a little bit. And I think the dating app system that makes the most sense is to use Tinder as a local browsing option to see women locally within a six-mile radius. Then to use the other dating apps to really try and laser in on the exact ideal woman I want, which would be an active, attractive, sober-lifestyle woman that wants children. That's definitely niche and filters out the vast majority of women. And I'm willing to drive for that.
Throughout the day, I experimented and thought, and I've come up with a radius of 33 miles from where I'm going to move in St. Petersburg, Florida, near Crescent Lake. That'll get me all the way up toward the north side of Tampa. My ex-wife and I actually lived about a 43-mile drive away from each other -- she was all the way on St. Pete Beach when we met, and I was all the way up in Tampa. A 33-mile radius does not mean it's only a 33-mile drive. It actually means the drive might be further, because it's not a straight line there, so you'd be looking at significant traffic. So I think 33 miles is far enough. I'm catching all the way down to Sarasota with that, all the way up to Clearwater, all the way around Tampa. That puts me in a huge pool of people.
And by the end of the night, I sign up for Bumble Premium Plus also, which is $160 for three months, which fucking beats $40 a goddamn week. But this gets my likes seen first and gets me standouts and all that shit. So I think it's worth it. I know lots of guys don't pay for dating apps and they swipe their asses off. And I'm just saying I'd rather put less time into it and get as many or more dates as these other dudes do that put time into swiping. And the way I look at it, right now if I also buy Match, I'll be spending like $200 a month on dating apps. And listen, even at that, it's still cheaper than chasing paid sex -- and paid sex isn't what I actually want anyway. I'm not going to go down that road. What I want is a real partner, and the apps keep me in position for that.
What I'm looking at is that I'm in position. If a woman comes along who's looking for a guy who's sober and wants kids, there are not going to be very many choices. Now, yes, there will probably be more guys that match that criteria than women. But still, if you want a guy that's sober and wants kids, there's going to be me and not that many other dudes. And that's what I want to be there for -- when a woman comes along that actually narrows her search criteria just for what she wants, and then I'm there, and then we can date.
Alternatively, using Tinder, I can just check out girls locally. And I got a new dating plan. I'm going to have like a tier list. First, the entry-level tier is a woman who is attractive and has a sober, active lifestyle. Or sober-ish -- at least don't fucking annoy me with your using. On that tier, if I know you in person, like I meet you at a meeting or yoga or something, I'll date and maybe even be exclusive. The more sober-ish the lifestyle is, and the more active and hot the girl is, the longer we could stay together. But I'm always going to keep the door open for a woman who wants kids. And I'm going to make it clear to whoever I date: look, if you don't want kids, I'll date you, I'll be exclusive with you, but I'm also going to be consistently still looking for a woman that does want kids and is sober and active and attractive. And it could be months, it could be years before I find that. But I would not wholeheartedly commit completely to a woman that didn't want kids. At the same time, there's no reason I couldn't have a nice relationship for a year or for several years with a woman that didn't want kids. But I'm not going to spend most of my energy looking for a woman that doesn't want kids on dating apps.
I love that I can use the dating apps pretty easily -- it doesn't take much effort. Like, I think of a woman I knew years ago. She was beautiful, active, and sober, and wanted a guy to have kids with. Like, if I'd have been available, she even drove all the way to Sarasota to meet a guy. That's the exact kind of woman I'm looking for. Given how beautiful she was, I'm gathering she must have been looking for sober men too, and she had to go to fucking Sarasota to find a sober man she actually liked. So I've got my radius set far enough out. I don't need to be driving farther than Sarasota or North Tampa or shit like that. Because I do have kids and I work and I have my lifestyle and stuff. And I want a girl to be able to drive here easily too. So I feel really good about where the dating's at today. I'm like, I'm going to use the apps.
And two interesting things happened. So I got the dating app set up and went over my Hinge prompts and shit to try and make my profile a little better and come up with some new picture ideas. Then I went to yoga. First, I was thinking I wanted to have somebody take a picture of me for my dating profiles, but it didn't seem like a good vibe to do that before class. So I put my mat down. This girl comes in, starts to put her mat next to me, and decides she doesn't like the vibes and fucking moves. I'm like, all right, I'll move too, make this even. And then it's a little crowded sometimes, so I move further down. There's a girl and a guy near me, and I ended up touching both of them at one point because we were so close and I wasn't accounting for that. We weren't exactly next to each other, but half of our mats were right next to each other.
Then at the end of the class, I noticed the girl was actually paying attention to me. She looks at me and smiles and starts talking to me first. Somehow I'm not fucking prepared. After all this shit -- I'm reading Tucker Max books and shit -- I'm still not prepared. I'm like, all right, just fucking be authentic. So she gives me this weak-ass handshake where she didn't really stick her hand all the way in my hand. I'm like, put your hand in my hand and give me a proper handshake. I didn't say the cuss words, but I said the rest of it. So she grabs my hand and vigorously shakes the shit out of it. I'm like, that's what I'm talking about. Thank you.
We do a little other small talk, and she seems interested in me. But then this other dude butts in and starts talking. After like 10, 20 seconds, maybe a minute of him talking, I'm like, fuck this, I'm out. I just like wave and walk off. Because, you know, I'm not going to waste my fucking time right now, and one thing I can't stand is being a third goddamn wheel. When I was trying to have a conversation with her -- look, you can just fucking talk to her if you want to, but if you've got to interrupt, then I'm just going to peace. Either that or I'm going to bring the girl into it, but I don't even know this girl. So I'm like, see ya.
So I walk over, drop my shit by the door, and start getting my stuff. And the girl walks up next to me again and says hi -- she must have ditched that guy right after he started talking to her too. So I was like, hey. And I could tell, like I'm reading this shit telepathically, that she wants me to ask for her phone number. And for some fucking reason, I don't do it, even though she's attractive. She just did a hot-ass yoga class. I was definitely attracted to her. And for some fucking reason, I don't ask for her number. I know she wants me to. She says goodbye with a tone like, ask for my number already. That's the tone, I swear, that she says goodbye with.
And as soon as she walks out the door, I'm like, God damn it, I should practically fucking follow her out there. But then the dude who interrupted us walks up and starts talking to me, and now I'm talking to him too, and I end up barely being able to get rid of his ass in the parking lot. This is a friendly guy. I've seen him around before. There's nothing wrong with him. This is just a friendly, regular-ass yoga dude. And I'm sitting in the car like, the fuck did I just do? I know that girl's hot. I know she wanted me to get her phone number. I read that clearly. What am I doing? It's like, next time, next time, I'm just going to fucking ask. Anytime I even think a girl might possibly want my phone number -- especially one showing that much interest, who clearly ditched that dude to come talk to me again, try and get me before I leave. Jesus Christ. If I see her again, I'm going to be like, look, I fucked up last time and I regretted not asking for your phone number as soon as you left. So why don't you give me your phone number, because then we can hang out.
So I drive home and I'm like, okay, this is a clear learning opportunity. I need to be more aggressive asking for phone numbers. Yes. I remember back to this mom at the park, like maybe five or six years ago. This mom at the park was hot, and I got her fucking phone number even when I was married. And then she asked if my wife and I drink or not, and I'm like, no -- and I guess this is fucking dead. I used to get moms' numbers at the fucking park that I just met for the first time. And then at some point it's like, what are you doing? Just get every number that comes across your path and seems halfway interested. Get it and try and meet up with her and get to know her more. Because at this point, I'm tired of being alone every night, all right? And I can just fucking have fun and be looking for a woman that wants kids and is my dream girl. So I don't see any reason we couldn't be living it up. No one's getting out alive, all right?
So I get home and I'm reflecting. I'm like, okay, I'm asking for phone numbers, keep this in mind for later. Then I go over to my mother's house right afterward. The kids are there, and my mother's in a much better mood today, which is great. Merry fucking Christmas, Mom. I grab the silver bowl, walk down the street, make a shitload of popcorn, bring it back. Kids are satisfied. They got presents they like from Mom. They watch Winnie the Pooh until I'm fucking falling asleep. I can't take it -- this shit's putting me in a trance. I'm just snuggling with my son and relaxing so hard. I'm like, I just need to close my eyes. I'm in a fucking trance right now watching these cartoons. This is why y'all watch this -- my brain activity is going lower than sleep. Still, I love Winnie the Pooh. It reminds me of childhood, especially hanging out watching it with my mom. And the kids don't have shit to watch at home, so it's cool -- they watch something with my mom and they have the time with her.
Then I walk back to my ex-wife's house. She invites me to stay. I'm like, all right, cool. So I stay and play ping pong with her and the kids. I play the spin-top game, which actually is really fun -- I'm enjoying watching those things go around and knock the shit out of each other, knock each other out of the ring. It's fun. I have a nice time. And I am really grateful that I have such a great relationship still with my ex-wife, that I can hang out at her house for two hours on Christmas Day, that she schedules a time to drop the kids off with my mom, that she has time for a nap. Like, it all just worked out. I'll be honest, part of me wonders what it would be like if we reconnected, but she's made it clear she's not interested, and I'm sure as hell not going to suggest it. We had a good run, and really, I'm trying to move on and find someone new, and she's better off finding her own path too.
After the kids go down the street to hang out with my ex-wife's family some more, I walk back to my house, and I get ready to go to an AA Christmas party, which I'm actually really excited to go to, because I don't want to be some sad, lonely guy tonight, like you know I could be. And what I've learned from my breakdowns is that we need to think ahead on shit and do more than I think I need to do, and put myself in a position to really have good times and be out there and be social. Especially with dating online and cutting out the spiritual-community stuff -- hey, let's make sure I'm out there. Let's make sure I'm fully participating in AA. What I've learned the hard way is to show up and stay social instead of isolating, and that's exactly why I'd love for you to join the Jerry Banfield Family and keep showing up with us.
So I go to the meeting, and I'm looking for a couple of girls to be there whose phone numbers I already got. One girl is there. I give her a hug and say hi to her. She didn't really seem to want to talk that much, but I want to see if she wants to meet up outside the meeting sometime. I've tried to get her to come to some other meetings, and nothing's worked out. She must be annoyed that I don't just want to straight up meet up there. So I'm going to see about that tomorrow. I got literally three girls to message tomorrow and see if they want to meet up. You think fucking one will? Maybe, perhaps.
My sponsor's at the meeting. The guy I used to sponsor, who my sponsor is now sponsoring, is there too. We have an eating meeting, so there's some fucking amazing food. One of the guys, a chef who's been sober a couple of years, makes the food and brings it. Holy shit, the food is amazing. I'm glad I didn't fuck my appetite up beforehand -- I was thinking I'd just have a salad first. I ate three different kinds of meat in this bitch tonight. There were these big-ass aluminum turkey-pan things of salmon laid out, two flanks side by side.
I got a bunch of bite-sized things where you could take two or three small bites, like one of those goddamn fancy restaurants where they put small-ass portions of food on your plate and charge you $100 a fucking plate. I did that, and I got all different kinds of stuffing and salmon and shit and Brussels sprouts with bacon. God damn, it was good. It was so good I went back for seconds. I threw some beef on my plate -- that's right, some fucking beef after my bacon, Brussels sprouts, and salmon. And I even got a cookie, when I've been eating clean as hell. My waist has gotten noticeably slimmer. I've dropped a percent body fat eating so clean for the last two weeks, plus doing some weight training.
I talked to a number of people there, all kinds of conversations with people. And it felt so good to sit down for the meeting, have a second plate of food, be just the right kind of full. I gave myself a good like 20 minutes between plates of food so I didn't overstuff myself. But all I had to eat today was a couple of Larabars this morning, then some popcorn this afternoon, and then two plates of food tonight. I didn't even get close, I don't think, to 2,000 calories. Then I did throw a fucking Christmas cookie down the hatch, along with another tiny-ass chocolate chip cookie, and this other tiny-ass Christmas cake-y kind of cookie. That shit was good.
I sat there, and the speaker did a good job. She was definitely better than average. She laughed, she had a great attitude, a long-ass time sober, and I enjoyed listening to her. I said goodbye to some people and went to thank the speaker. I ran into a girl I hadn't seen at this group in years, at least five, maybe six years I hadn't seen her. I didn't even recognize her. I gotta say, I'm impressed that girls consistently come up to me and recognize me when I'm like, you look familiar, but I don't -- who are you? After she told me her name, I'm like, oh shit, yeah, it's so good to see you.
And then she was talking to another girl, and I was watching. As soon as she disengaged from the other girl, I walked up. I remembered this morning -- I'm like, go for her fucking phone number. So I walk up to her right afterward. I'm like, hey, it'd be nice to catch up with you and be nice to see you again sooner, let me get your number. She's like, no, that's okay, why don't you just come to some of the meetings I go to? And she named some meeting times. I'm like, I don't usually go to those, it's fine, see you around. And I felt good that I tried. I felt a little bit of rejection, but at the same time, you know what? I'd rather take that little sting of the rejection.
It turns out she'd been away for a while and is back now, long enough that I could potentially date her if she were available, but I don't know if she has a boyfriend or not. She's got a kid. I don't know what the fuck's going on. But I asked for the phone number. I was thinking before that you need to like really get to know a girl before even asking for a phone number. It's like, no, the fuck you don't. I realized tonight, just ask for the phone number. And then you'll know -- if she's got a boyfriend, she might not give you that phone number, especially if she senses you might want to date, and that's fine. That tells you what you need to know. And I don't need to waste time wondering.
So I talked to my sponsor on the way out, and we reflected on showing up. He had a woman at the meeting he'd seen who didn't respond to him, so he talked to her, and we both felt good. I'm like, you know, I feel really good having asked for a girl's number and gotten a no, versus this morning when I knew a girl wanted my number and I didn't ask anyway. So it felt like a big improvement, and in the future I'm asking for numbers like crazy -- numbers are the gateway. I need to have a bunch more people in my phone I could go out with, or get to know better, or just talk with and connect, and I gotta get as many phone numbers as possible. I'm glad I'm not going to my old yoga studio anymore, where I felt like I was being told I shouldn't do more than say hi to anybody. Like, shit, these girls are out here looking sexy; they do want somebody to notice them. So that felt really good. Pushing past my own hesitation took real work, so if you're trying to find the courage for something and want a sounding board, I'd be glad to talk it through with you on a private Zoom call.
I came home after the meeting, stuffed some more letters, and it felt really filled up. I'm like, this was a good-ass Christmas. This was at least as good as, if not better than, last year. Last year I don't remember it right offhand -- wish I'd done diaries and shit like this. But I was probably fucking around with my videos last year. I didn't go to the same AA Christmas party that was available last year. And I probably had a partner then, which is nice. But at the same time, my ex-wife and I got along today as good as or better than Christmas last year, and tonight is when I actually signed up for Bumble after doing some of the letters. I'm like, you know, I feel good. If anything, I should have been doing the same thing in my relationship with my ex-wife -- like, hey, I love you, and let's stay together until I can find a girl who lives a sober lifestyle and wants to have kids. Now, I don't think my ex-wife would have allowed me to be on dating apps actively looking, but, you know, I'm happy where I'm at today. Life is good.
And I'm glad this was such a nice Christmas. I felt sad when I first went to the meeting tonight, but you know what? After enough hanging out and talking to people, I got over that shit, and that's what socializing does. At the same time, I was out of the house most of the day. I really appreciated my time in the house to stuff letters, listen to stand-up comedy, listen to books. You know, it's nice to have that. I am mostly an extrovert, but I do appreciate my introvert time.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.