This is an excerpt from my memoir, Officer Banfield — the honest story of my years as a corrections and police officer, hitting bottom in alcoholism, and the long road to recovery.
She had wanted to go over with her friend and put her friend’s new baby in the pool, and she had canceled her plans with her friend to come go on this trip out of town. I think we were both hoping that somehow we would figure shit out, and then we could be together after that. Maybe an out-of-town trip was just what we needed.
We planned to go to Hilton Head where my friend and his wife had a house together that we were coming to stay at. I wanted to visit them, it was a great weekend off and I wasn't willing to cancel my plans to go visit them to hang out in town with her.
So, I talked her into going out of town with me even though we had not done anything together off duty since that disastrous…
Well, since we had had sex, and then since that night we had the fight.
We had not been together and done anything off duty since then.
I forgot to tell you about our first date.
"Oh, my God, Jerry. You really forgot something in this?"
I forgot.
For our very first date, this was maybe a couple of weeks before we got
stuck in dispatch together. I don't know if we officially called it a date or anything, but I had met her out for lunch or dinner at Zaxby's, one night. I took her out there and maybe it was a date, maybe it wasn't. I had ended up talking to her so much at work that we had gone out to Zaxby's, and my God, she looked so hot. I actually got there late.
I remember I was talking to my friend that lived with me and who is still friends with me today. I was so pumped up about going out with her, we went out and had a wonderful date at Zaxby's, and then we ended up hooking up and having sex like a few weeks or something like that afterward, although I still was starting to go crazy over her before this even happened.
So, that was the first time we had gone out. Then, she came over to my place the night we had sex, and then this out-of-town trip was only our third time doing something together outside work. I was so afraid that she would back out of this trip. I was so scared because I just had no self-confidence.
We had just switched over to day shift, so I was working the day shift at this point. I had been working it for like a week. She was staying on the night shift still and she wasn't rotating. I guess she was just night shift dispatcher at that point.
Therefore, there was a weekend before we took this trip and I was obsessed. All I thought about that whole weekend was when we would get to go out together.
Would we be able to go out of town? Would we get to have sex again?
Would we get to have a relationship? Would things go well after that?
I thought nonstop about it. This is why I hated staying sober because of my obsessive mind. It was torture, a combination of torture and excitement. A kind of fear that it kind of felt good and exciting, but at the same time, it
was miserable and horrible.
I had a whole weekend like that right before the trip was to happen. I remember I went to bed early the night before the trip. I got off of work and went to bed at like 10 o'clock or something.
She was working all night, I was so scared, so unsure of what was going to happen in the morning because she said she was basically going to get straight off of work and come take this trip with me, which after working a 12-hour shift, and then going on an out-of-town trip with a guy that you have had sex with once, who wouldn't ask you to be his girlfriend, whom you had a bunch of drama with at night a couple of times, this was Hella Sketchy.
I woke up and I was so nervous.
I said, "Please God, I want to do this trip."
I really wanted the trip with her. I wanted it so bad and she sent me a message that she had gotten off of work. She was ready for me to come pick her up. She had me pick her up at her parents’ house where she lived. I remember she had just everything for this. She had three bags that she had all her stuff in like shopping bags like you would buy at the mall.
These were kind of small shopping bags though like you would go to Godiva Chocolate or some other shop, and you would get a little chocolate and they give you a little bag. She had three small bags, and she had everything packed for a two-day out-of-town trip with me.
We were planning to go stay Monday all day, and then Tuesday, and I had to work on Wednesday.
So we were planning to come back on Tuesday and stay with my friends. She had these three little bags, she was looking absolutely
beautiful, and I just couldn't believe this was happening.
I thought, "Oh, my God, we're really going to take this trip together."
She got in my Toyota Corolla, and we set off for Hilton Head Island. I had made an entire CD just for our trip. The first half of it was happy songs and the second half was sad songs. I noticed her energy really picked up when we got into all these sad songs. I remember almost like an out-of-body experience like floating with the cars.
We drove to Hilton Head, I was so happy.
I thought, "Here we go. This is the rest of my life. It's all beauty from here on. I'm going to have a beautiful girlfriend and we're going to have a beautiful family. I have a nice job and career. Everything is looking good from here. I got this. Everything's all good. Thanks Dad for helping me out a couple of weeks ago. Life is good."
We talked about work, we had great fun, we were connected. I remember stopping to get gas with her off the interstate and we drove in to meet my friends at their house.
That's where everything started to slide because you know this isn't a happy story that we are talking about here.
Yeah, I don't know whether it was my friend’s energy or what, but as soon as we walked into the house, it started to get awkward and uncomfortable. In particular, maybe because my friend and his wife, I don't know if they were married yet, but obviously they had what you might want.
They were in a relationship together and I guess it was obvious to the dispatcher at this point that like she was not having what she wanted and I didn't realize that she used to go on trips.
She used to go with the other guy to Hilton Head or somewhere near there, and that he had just moved somewhere near here. I thought I had finally gotten rid of him, but nope. This had actually reminded her a lot of him, of course.
We went out to lunch and the best way I can put it is, I went unconscious. Have you ever been in a phase in your life where it is almost like you are watching what's going on and you are helpless to control it?
Lots of times this will come up if you get an argument with your spouse or doing something stupid. It is like, you know better. You know something else should be going on.
I had a fight with my ex-wife the other day and I am wondering, why am I saying these things?
Why am I walking out of my house, slamming the door? I don't want to be like this.
Why is this happening?
This whole day with the dispatcher was just like that.
Here I was out at lunch with a beautiful girl and pressing the shit out of my friends like, "Damn. Look at this 10 Jerry is with. The hottest girl any of my friends had ever been with by far."
Here we were out to lunch together and I was fucking miserable. I was miserable and it blew me away.
The worst thing that can happen is to get exactly what you want sometimes and to think that getting what you want will give you happiness.
We were out to lunch and I was fucking miserable. I felt uncomfortable
with her. I didn't know her and she was probably getting tired at this point from having worked all night, then taking a road trip with me two hours to Hilton Head and meeting my friends.
She was probably feeling really awkward because she didn't know my friends at all. I was totally not understanding. I was all pissed off, and then we went to the beach after having lunch.
I remember telling my friend that I hated this fucking bitch, "Why am I here with her?"
He said, "Dude, you're at the beach, man. Just have fun. What's wrong?
What's going on?"
I then said, "I don't know. I hate this fucking bitch. I'm miserable. I hate this."
I got a rare moment of honesty. I just told him how I felt like, "I hate this shit. I hate this fucking bitch."
Isn't that crazy?
And then I was in love with her at the same time. It reminds me of Eminem describing Kim.
Many of my friends have had whole things like this go on for years and years.
"Oh, my God."
So, I remember we rolled there in two different cars. My friend's wife had a Mustang with the top down and he had a Corolla just like me. We had gone there in separate cars, so that I could talk with my friend and that the dispatcher could talk with my friend's wife.
We drove there, and then, like a shit for some reason, I was determined to sit and ride with the dispatcher because I just wanted to be next to her, keep an eye on her or something.
So I demanded to ride in the backseat of my friend's Mustang and the
dispatcher wanted to ride there too.
I stuck my friend riding in his car by himself, this is how fucked up I was like just wanting what I wanted. Meanwhile, the Tupac song "Staring at the world through my rear view" was just loud. It was like I was in the middle of a day I knew I will regret. It was like I was on a roller coaster and I couldn't do anything about it.
Those lyrics, about violence and feeling like the world had stopped caring, hit me hard.
That song was just playing so loud in my head. I remember looking up at the sky feeling so hopeless. I remember very clearly there was this guy. He kind of looked Mexican. He was driving a truck and he looked over at me and I looked over at him, and we made eye contact and I wondered if he could sense the hell I was in.
This really was the heaven that I had wanted, I had fantasized, I had given everything.
"I wanted this trip so bad. I am in the middle of it and I am miserable.
What is happening to me?"
Naturally, we went to the liquor store after this.
Now, I had been sober since that lowest night, which by this point had been a couple of weeks. I had managed to stay sober and be a complete disaster mentally, and my life felt like a pile of shit. I had one obsession, one obsessive thought after another, even though my body was feeling full of energy and life.
So, we went to the liquor store because drinking will make stuff better in this situation, right?
Nope.
She was not even 21 yet and we took her in to the liquor store anyway and we bought all our favorite stuff. She had been talking about these drinks she was so excited to make for us.
We went to the liquor store and for a brief moment, I was feeling good like, "Here I am with the dispatcher in this beautiful liquor store together," which felt like the candy store at the time, which now feels like the poison store. We got out of the liquor store, we went home and for a little while, everything was okay.
Then, she made some drinks at my friend's place, we started drinking, and this was not a good idea.
"Oh, shit. I fucked up. I fucked up bad, but we are just going to have to go through with it. Maybe another drink will make it better."
We started watching "Beetle Juice" and she was sitting on the floor. I was trying to get handsy with her, trying to rub her shoulders and stuff, but she was not having it.
She was still pissed off.
"I won't be your girlfriend," I guessed.
I just didn't know what to do and she started talking about how she had these feelings for the guy before and I was just feeling like I was not good enough. I was drinking and I just started feeling like shit.
We were watching "Beetle Juice" and I was just wishing if things would be different. Here I was in the middle of my fantasy wishing things would be different. We ended up going out to dinner, and we had a great dinner together.
I think we ended up cussing at each other and maybe yelling at each other. We started getting all pissed off.
My friend, his wife and I, we were out to dinner with the dispatcher who was looking just beautiful. That was a beautiful place too by the water and we ended up taking some pictures, and I was fucking miserable.
I was hating it and yet I didn't want to be. I was thinking everything should be different, but I didn't know what to do. I felt so miserable. I couldn't help myself. I was so miserable and fucked up. I was getting drunk and things were getting worse. I didn't know what to do.
We got back home and the car ride was uncomfortable. I said some nasty shit at dinner and the dispatcher was all pissed off at me. She didn't say anything on the way home. I was trying to hold her hand. She won't have it. I was all pissed off.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.