This is my journal entry from December 23, 2025 — my real, unedited day, shared just as it happened.
Woke up at three this morning thinking, fuck, what did I do? I can't have this woman I'd recently started seeing over again. Such a bad idea, man. Fuck. I used my affirmations and relaxed and went back to sleep. Then woke up and I'm like, all right, shit, we need to tackle this immediately. So I ended up taking an hour going back and forth with her, texting her, like, look, this is not going to work. That was a bad idea last night. And the message I finally sent that she stops responding to, because she said, you know, I need to cancel on seeing you later, blah, blah, blah, it's also common practice not to date someone in early sobriety. Then she's like, I hear you're conflicted. Let's not be too extreme. Why don't we meet and just talk? I'm like, honestly, the last thing I want to do is meet and just talk, because that's the problem, we just don't have a real connection there. And I also, I'm like, you know, I'm kind of a shitty person in a lot of ways. I am kind of a shitty person from a lot of ways of looking at it. And that's fine, you know? Then I can accept that, yeah, other people are shitty people too. And we're all shitty together.
Finally, the last message I sent is, one thing I need to work on is being a good ender in relationships, which I intend to practice now. I enjoyed our night together, and I don't see any path forward for us. First, we live too far apart. I mean, she lives an hour drive away, and, you know, this motherfucker ain't making that drive. Second, I need to take months to be comfortable by myself after this divorce, well, more about that in a minute. Third, you could use space to focus on your sobriety, and I'm a distraction. Finally, I'm starting up a new business, and I need to focus on that totally, along with having my kids for a few overnights during the week once I move. Thus, I think the kind thing to do for both of us would be to say goodbye, and I wish you well. Basically, there's nothing here for you, and we're not going to be doing this again. And it's funny how I go from feeling like, oh, I'm so alone, I need to be with somebody, to like, damn, I'd rather be by myself than have her around. Very, very funny couple of dynamics.
After that, I felt relieved and like, good, we can at least stop that. Then I got to work on the letters. I printed 100 more letters, got the envelopes, the stamps, the computer set up, put on Dave Chappelle's special, and went at it. I did so many of those fucking envelopes, Jesus Christ. And I didn't even finish. I just got like 30 done and then it's time to go to my personal training. And the Chappelle episode is called The Dreamer. And it turns out I actually did watch that before and I just forgot about that shit. Now there's one called The Unstoppable, which looks like it just came out this week. So I'm really excited to watch that one next as I stuff a bunch more fucking letters. But this is the best business idea I've got.
I talked to my personal trainer. I tell him the date didn't have much chemistry last night. She was kind of closed off. He's like, bro, that's how dates with girls normally are. When you're on a first date with a girl, they often are going to be closed off and defensive. And, you know, that's normal. I'm like, well, I wasn't feeling it. I don't think she was feeling it. So I'm not going to text her back or anything. And I'm also quitting a local spiritual community I'd been going to. I need to free that time and energy up. I'm tired of going there just finding a girl to date and tolerating all the, you know, it's a nice community, but it's repetitive and time wasting as well and gets my nervous system amped up and has a lot of like polite surface level relationships. And all right, I get home. I finish off the rest of the hummus for lunch. I've gotten tired of polite, surface-level rooms, so if you're craving real connection too, I'd love for you to join the Jerry Banfield Family where we actually show up for each other.
Then I'm like, we're going in on these envelopes and stamps and letters today. I'm going to get through. I did 100 last time. We're going to get through another 100. So I actually signed up for Spotify again because Spotify premium is $12 a month and they have 15 hours of audiobooks. So for a five-hour audiobook, that's three audiobooks I can get. So I signed up for Spotify premium. And I put on some music for doing these envelopes. I'm really happy to listen to Deadmau5 again. Listen to some of my favorite Deadmau5 songs, like Avaritia, My Pet Coelacanth, and, fuck, Monophobia, the extended mix, of course. I listen to some of his newest songs. And I still need to listen to FN Pig. Then I got to play Fack, too, by Eminem. I used to listen to that shit back when I drank. Put that shit on repeat. And play it loud as shit in the house with my ex-wife. What a fucking great husband.
Then there's Aural Synapse by Deadmau5, one of my favorites. In my experience, that one has some subliminal lyrics buried in it, and once you know they're there, you can hear them in what that main high synth plays. Some of you will be like, oh, Jerry, you're just crazy, Deadmau5's not putting subliminal lyrics in his songs. Bullshit. He's very, very skilled with making music. The Apple Store terms blatantly prohibit putting subliminal lyrics in, which usually whatever the terms tell you not to do is the exact thing to do. If, in my experience, whatever the rules say don't do, that's the shit you do because it works. Listen to Aural Synapse by Deadmau5, and when the main synth plays, once you can hear that it's there, you'll be like, God damn, this motherfucker, you can practically hear the words. It's like, wow, how did I not know that? Now picture that shit getting played on a dance floor. If you have some subliminal lyrics that your subconscious picks up on, that's one of the reasons you're going to like the song, even if you don't consciously recognize it.
After listening to Deadmau5 and Fack for about an hour, and I just listened to Fack like once, but mostly Deadmau5, then I switched over to an audiobook called I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, which one of the guys at an AA meeting was telling me about. I used to read Tucker Max's posts way back in college. And it's funny listening to this book. At the same time, this book does leave me feeling like, fuck, I'm not having very much fun with my life. I'm not having much romance or real connection. It does get some stuff going in my mind. Thank God I finished the 200 fucking envelopes, stuff that shit, and throw it in the car to deliver later. Then I have about an hour where I kind of relax a little bit and clean shit up around the house, have some sweet potatoes and cook them. I'm like, why the fuck does it take so long to cook sweet potatoes on the stove? I'm like, I'm out here for like 30 minutes roasting this shit. Maybe I'll start just sticking it in the oven on a tray, because that shit, you don't have to constantly fucking stir it and put so much oil on it. I gotta cook my sweet potato different. This shit takes too long. And I need to make some hummus, because I finished all of it. Anyways.
Thus, the kids come over after that, which is great. My ex-wife drops them off, and my son and I throw this little, almost like a sack thing, a little soft ball in the front yard. They both come down on their scooters. I'm like, man, I love having the kids at my own place. You know, I'm glad I feel welcome at my ex-wife's place, but having the kids at my own place feels really good, too. They want to go down the street to Grandma's house so they can watch some more Winnie the Pooh and eat a bunch of sugar. It's a sugar free-for-all in that house, you know? So we walked down to my mother's house. I walked back down to my house to make popcorn, because the kids like the olive oil and salt that I make better than the bags of shit my mom's got there. And I bring down nutritional yeast and dump that shit all over my popcorn. I get some real nice snuggles with my son on the couch again, watching Winnie the Pooh. Walk the kids back over the street. Having my kids here in my own place is everything I'm rebuilding around, and if you're putting your own life back together, I'd love for you to come grow alongside us in the Family.
Then I come down here, and I've decided I'm going to get back on dating apps. Look, I know I wrote a book called It's Not You, It's the Dating Apps. And yes, that definitely is appropriate lots of times, especially if you're a hot girl. You really don't need dating apps because, you know, there's too many dudes. But the dating apps, fuck, man. All right. So let's look at the last two months. I've spent probably 40 or 50 hours going to things like a local spiritual community for the primary purpose of meeting girls, secondary purpose to try and give some of my books away, which, you know, I did give some books away there, but never heard anything from anybody I gave books to. And, you know, a couple of my worst days were days after being up late, having my nervous system overloaded by listening to a bunch of music, having these euphoric conversations with girls that turned out to be, I was going to say mostly a waste of time, but not a waste of time. But, you know, a lot of hype, a lot of hype and leading to fantasy and excitement. And then you just come down the next day and it's like, oh, we really don't even know each other. You don't care about me, do you?
And, you know, then when I go there and I don't see some girl there, it often feels like I kind of wasted my time. And especially, like, the community circle last night just felt so fucking fake. Like, oh, I love you. I love you too. You're my family. You stayed at my house. Like, nobody really gives a fuck about me in there right now. I shared something a bit darker in the share circle, and it's like, nobody wants to go there. Everybody's afraid to talk about anything fucking real. It doesn't feel like an AA meeting. It feels like this kind of bullshit environment. And I put a good amount of time in that and I've got zero dates. I did have, I mean, essentially, with a woman I'd been talking to and a woman I'd been interested in, those were essentially kind of like first dates. One of them saying she's not dating, and then the other, turns out she's already dating someone. So it's like, I put all this time and effort in here for what? And what did I get out of it? It's like, if I had put that much time in dating apps, I'd have probably got several dates from girls that were very interested. In theory, at least. We're going to have to test it out.
So I go back and forth. ChatGPT, based on what I told it, really thinks dating apps are a shit idea for me. But ChatGPT often just cosigns your bullshit anyway. So I finally start telling ChatGPT, I'm like, all right, it's time for you to use dating apps. Like, I don't think that's a good idea. I'm like, here's another way I'm gonna put that. It's like, oh, well, maybe. So I go back and forth a few times, like, okay, if you can use the dating apps, you know, and if you cut out some of your in-person events that have been amping you up and stuff, then that might make sense. So I'm like, fine, thanks for cosigning my bullshit here. So I download Hinge and start swiping on that fucker again. Actually, it's not swiping on Hinge, it's like tapping. Tap X, or you drop a heart and a comment. And I'm intending to go in with a different energy. I'm like, you know, I'm going to be grateful there's all these girls here that are looking to meet guys. Like, this is much easier than going to a bar. And yes, you know, you probably get rejected a lot more on the apps versus going to a bar. But I don't have to be around alcohol. And I can intentionally try and date girls and meet up with the girls that are sober.
And still, the conversation with a woman I went out with last night, it's like, even if I just meet up with some girl and talk with her, that could be really cool to get to know somebody new, make a new connection no matter what happens with it. And as a friend said, a lot of these girls are hooking up on the first date when they meet on an app too, so that could be fun as well. Because you know your boy's done that before. So I go through some profiles on Hinge. I go back and forth on my settings. I try and set it ultra specific with all these deal breakers and there's like nobody that matches that. And I'm like, fuck, all right, let me put it a little less severe. We'll go maximum of 10 miles away and no deal breakers on the stuff like smoking. We'll just look through people's profiles, and if they put yes, or if they look like a pothead, or they talk about wine and stuff in their profile, if they're being blatantly obvious about drinking or drugs, then we'll say no to that. But otherwise, if it's in the sometimes area, you know, like, the girls I met in person, none of them were totally sober, they're all getting fucked up on plant medicine or weed; I smoke sometimes; it's like, I might be in a position to tolerate a girl that wasn't a total alcoholic or drug addict, but, you know, maybe smoked sometimes when she wasn't around me or something. Might need to be flexible on that.
But it's nice because I keep seeing girls I know from AA on these apps too. Then I went to an AA meeting and shared. And there was a girl that one of the guys there used to date. She's nice, nice thin, strong little body. But, you know, she's there to get a whole bunch of attention from the guys. She's giving everybody hugs. She gave me a real hard hug. And I shared about how I was grateful for my divorce. We were talking about gratitude. And I'm like, you know, I'm grateful for my divorce. It's an adventure. This has been a lot of character building for both my ex-wife and for me. Then I got home and I went through the rest of the girls that were active on Hinge. And it ended up taking about an hour and a half to go through all of them. But once you go through the people who are more active, then you're just dealing with people that are initially getting on an app. There's more to do at first, and then the maintenance of it is less. I've found a strange gratitude in my divorce, and if you're walking through your own hard transition, I'd be glad to talk it through with you on a private Zoom call.
And then I'm thinking, do I want to expand to more than one app? Because I talked to a girl at a local spiritual community. She said she met a guy on Tinder. And this guy must be like 15 years younger than her. I'm like, what the fuck's with this dude? I guess he's more open-minded than me. Because I talked to this girl in person, and she's just not someone I'd be attracted to. I've got my type, like everybody does. The women who aren't a match for me can usually tell from how I talk about being healthy and all this stuff in my profile, and they swipe the other way, which is fine. Then, getting towards bed, I reinstalled Tinder. And this woman I know ended up messaging me a month ago right after I swiped on her. I'm like, fuck, do I need to get back on Tinder Platinum again? Because I paid for like a month of Tinder, whatever Platinum or gold membership they have. And here's a woman who actually matched me and messaged me right away, which is a good sign.
It's like, you know what? If I use the dating apps with the right energy, I was too serious on them before, talking about marriage. And you know what? I'm happy to just date casually or have a short-term relationship. I'm really open to everything now. An ideal long-term partnership would be beautiful. And I don't know if I want to be seeing more than one girl at once. But shit, if they were all attractive and fun, I could do that. You know, I could do that. So I think I'm a lot more open than I was before. I love meeting new girls too. I love going out on dates with girls. And what I need to do is not be so attached. I need more abundance. And the dating apps are abundant. So I look up some dating apps. And it looks like, shit, if your boy wants to be everywhere, Match, I already have Hinge, I got a good way to use that that I don't need to put much time in. Tinder seems like a very popular one. And I'm open. Like, I meet some girl that's attractive, I'll be happy to see where it goes. That'll be fine. So I might buy a Tinder subscription. I might get back on Bumble. And I might sign up for more. I met my ex-wife on a dating site, so I might eventually get to do all the dating apps, but we'll have to do them in phases. Because I'm a big believer you put the work in to get what you want.
Now, sure, an acquaintance from a local spiritual community was talking about how he didn't even hardly date or anything for two and a half years, and he just ran into this girl he met four years ago at a coffee shop, and they started dating. And it's like, I am not waiting two and a half fucking years of not doing any dating to hope to run into somebody at a coffee shop. Like, that is not gonna fucking work for me. And I've talked to some other guys, they're like, yeah, I tried hard to date online, then I just gave up and met a girl in person. I'm like, see, I'll do the dating apps and I'll meet girls in person. I know another guy, he's got a great wife, and he said he went out with over 300 girls, mainly through dating apps. And that's how he eventually met his wife. And I'm like, you know what? Just like Zillow. I put the time into Zillow. I looked at a shitload of houses. I looked at neighborhoods. I went to look at apartments. I didn't actually look at many houses in person, but I looked at a house in South Tampa. I looked at apartments and houses in Michigan. I looked at houses all over St. Pete on Zillow. I put the work in to go through Zillow to find the best neighborhood. And now everybody's happy that I'm moving near Crescent Lake. So I'm going to put the work in on the dating apps too.
And just look at it. Use the dating apps with like a thankful, grateful energy. And sure, keep my shit a little superficial. But the one thing I want these women to know is that I'm sober. I don't want someone who's a big drinker. And the girls that are sober or sober lifestyle, those are the girls I want to have relationships with. Not the girls that want to go out and drink and stuff.
Right before bed, my ex-wife calls me, and we have a really nice hour and 15-minute conversation to catch up. We hadn't got to talk much lately, and it was really nice to feel our connection that's still there, our friendship that's still there, and it was a really nice way to wrap up the day. I ended up going to bed a little later at like 11.30, but I turned the alarm off so we can sleep in tomorrow.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.