This is an excerpt from my memoir, Officer Banfield — the honest story of my years as a corrections and police officer, hitting bottom in alcoholism, and the long road to recovery.
I figured I would just get it over with quickly and she could get out of here again.
She called me out on that.
She called me out and made clear she expected more than that.
I felt like, "Oh, God. All right. I'm going to go through with it. It's fine."
So we slept together. She left and I passed out. I am ashamed of how I used and manipulated her.
I woke up the next day thinking, "What the fuck did you do?"
Then, I got a text from her that said, "Good morning, sunshine," right when I was sitting down to roll call with a bitch of a hangover at about 5:45
p.m. at the police department.
I said, "Oh, not this dumb shit. Oh, we're going to have to take care of this, aren't we?"
Long story short, I called her up.
Not long story short. Long story long.
I talked to her on the phone and I said, "Look, I was drunk the night before. I didn't mean any of that shit I said. So, basically, you could potentially get pregnant. We need to handle that shit. I know how to handle it. I'm going to take you to CVS this morning when I get off work. You're going to get a Plan B pill and all this shit will be fixed up and we're going to be done after that."
She was trying to talk her way out of it and I said, "Look, I'm not having a fucking baby, not with you, and I'm not going to be there as a dad so this is not going to go well for you. Just take the fucking pill."
She replied, "Well, I don't have any money."
I said, "I'll buy the pill for you. For fuck’s sake, I'll buy the pill for you.
You're going to meet me there this morning. Meet me as soon as I get off shift. I'll let you know when I get off shift."
"Well, it's not…," she tried to say.
"I don't give a shit. Just drive down early and meet me over there," I insisted.
So, she met me at CVS and it was one of the biggest walks of shame I've ever done, walking up to that counter with this "fucking fat bitch," as I would have put it at the time.
Now, I realize that's nasty, harsh language. I know. But that's how I was thinking about it at the time.
Today, I would say, "a girl who is putting on her suit of armor to protect herself from the world and who is a beautiful, immortal soul inside who
happens to be carrying around a lot more weight than the body is probably designed for."
But at the time, "This fucking fat bitch got to go get the Plan B pill."
That's the shit I was saying to my friends.
So, we walked up to the counter and I said, "We need a Plan B pill, please."
There was a pretty girl probably about as old as I am now that was working the checkout counter. I was so embarrassed and she looked so professional.
I felt like, "Oh, my God. This looks so bad right now. It is Saturday night.
Obviously, you did some dumb shit recently. This looks so bad. This is humiliation right here, being at CVS getting a Plan B pill with this girl right now."
Then, we went out in the parking lot. She was trying to give me some shit.
"Well, I'll just take it when I get home."
I said, "No, the fuck, you're not going to take it when you get home.
You're going to take it now."
By this point, I knew the directions because this wasn't my first Plan B
pill.
I will tell you about that in a little bit.
I said, "You are going to take that first fucking pill right now and you're going to take it right in front of me because I'm serious about this shit and I'm not going to tolerate you getting pregnant. So, you are
going to take this fucking pill right now." "I don't have any water," she said.
I said, "I'll give you some water. I'll buy you a fucking bottle of water and you can wash it down with this bottle of water that I'll give you."
She looked at me and said, "You USCPD officers are all the same.
You're all fucking assholes."
I said, "All right. Well, it is you that is choosing to have sex with all of us and who else have you fucked from USCPD?"
So, she started name dropping.
She said, "Well, one guy was married. A couple were married."
I thought, "All right. I know one that was married already."
She added, "Yeah, there was one who is married and there was another one who had a bunch of kids."
I shouted, "Oh, shit. You fucked him too. Damn."
I had some really good gossip at the department right there, but I never told and I still have never told anyone to this day because she didn't even know this dude's name or didn't remember it or some shit.
Now, she did, I remembered I knew the officer she was talking about. I never said shit to anyone about it though.
I still to this day have never told anyone about what she told me, but maybe she told someone else too, she probably did.
I guess she must have had sex with at least one or two of the other single guys there too. My God, the security guard was going through the
whole USCPD Police Department.
She said, "You USCPD officers are all the same. All you want to do is have sex. You don't really want to take care of a girl."
I asked, "Well, why don't you stop fucking USCPD officers then and maybe you'll find a better man somewhere else?"
She didn't seem to appreciate that advice and I left her after she swallowed the Plan B pill.
Then she started blowing up my phone when I was at work. Meanwhile, I was still in the middle of the dispatcher drama, ordered not to talk to her, but wishing I could.
I was on the other end of harassment now.
I told the security guard, "Don't fucking talk to me. We're done. You swallowed the Plan B pill. I don't give a shit. That's not my problem."
She said, "Well, I'm going to report you at work."
I replied, "You're going to fucking report me? Who are they going to believe? They're going to believe you or are they going to believe me?"
I then said, "I'll tell them about all the other USCPD officers you've fucked. I'll go around and tell the other officers that you dimmed them out to me. Yeah, I'll go tell another officer's wife because I could do that. I'm going to go tell another officer's wife that you've been with her husband and see how you like that shit. You want to play games with me? Don't fucking play with me."
That is what I told her on the phone.
I said, "Don't you fucking play with me with that shit. You're not pregnant.
The pill is working like it's supposed to. Now, if you talk to me anymore, I'm going to file harassment charges against you. So, that's it. We're done."
That's how things ended with the security guard.
I know, my behavior was not really nice and I tell you the truth about it as far as I remember it because I think we can treat each other a lot better today.
When we just go around trying to act like everything we did was fine, I think it inhibits us from our ability to help each other. When I see someone who is treating someone like shit today, I can relate to that because I know the state of mind one is in to act that way, and I know there is a way out of that state of mind if desired.
I don't support or applaud my behavior before, but at the same time, that's what I remember and I'm a different person today.
According to our science, the cells, this entire body is literally made up of different atoms than it was made up of from when I'm telling you this story.
Literally, the thoughts in my immortal consciousness are the only things holding this little reality together.
That makes it really interesting, doesn't it?
And yes, what I'm sharing here, the behavior was a function of two people, me and the security guard, not having any idea of a healthy relationship and not being willing to end things earlier.
I tried to even end things and the security guard could have just blown me off and said, "No, I'm not coming over and having sex with you at seven
in the morning when you're probably drunk again."
This is like that Miley Cyrus song about two more lonely people in the night.
I was trying to make it like there was some moral of this story or some happy ending, but this was just debauchery.
Sad and lonely people desperately trying to hook up and messing things up and all kinds of ugly all over the place.
So I'm done.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.