Apollina Ponte — eight things women do when they genuinely love you
The next creator I looked at was Apollina Ponte, and I gave her a three out of 10, but the core thesis of her video "eight things women do when they genuinely love you" is worth sitting with. Her point is that a woman can enjoy a man's attention and all of that without actually loving him. That one is tricky for me, because especially after I got divorced, I would catch myself thinking, "Oh my God, this woman's noticing me, she must love me." But genuine love is demonstrated by more than words, chemistry, or a little laughter. This is big for me, because it names some of the things that slipped away in my marriages: consistent respect — I remember always feeling disrespected by my ex; emotional repair after conflict, which happened a lot early on but stopped happening toward the end, especially on her end but honestly on my end too; and becoming a peaceful, contributing partner rather than a confusing one. I often was not a peaceful, contributing partner. I was an agitating one.
So it really helps to identify what people do when they truly love you versus when there's just a bit of attraction. Her advice to stop being addicted to potential is great. That's exactly what a lot of us do, and I've been really excited on some of my first dates this year — and then when it doesn't go anywhere, I end up grieving and sad about the potential I saw there. What you actually need to do is evaluate a partner based on their consistent daily patterns of behavior and accountability. That is where almost every woman I've gone out with has completely failed. There have been no consistent daily patterns of behavior and accountability. I'll know I've met a woman who's worthy when that is there, because I'm very consistent and accountable, and it's been shocking to see how little of that there seems to be. One of my biggest green flags is simple: I message you, and you actually message back consistently, without weird games, without somehow "not having your phone" for a whole day and all that strange stuff. No.
Her video is worth watching if you consistently end up in situationships, if you're constantly walking on eggshells, or if you're seeking a marriage and need to learn how to properly vet your partner's character. I will say the claim that immature women run to their friends and paint you as a villain minimizes toxic behavior a little, though I suppose you could argue kids are going to be kids and that's reasonable. I've certainly noticed myself confusing access with love — and honestly, I'm hardly even getting access. Just having a woman who wants to hang out with me doesn't necessarily signal any real love. Texting, hanging out, and physical intimacy get mistaken for real loyalty. It's important to ask what actually demonstrates that someone loves you.
Sabrina Zohar — how to know if you're compatible
Sabrina Zohar's video "how to know if you're compatible with someone" argues that true compatibility is not an instant spark, and I'm really grateful for that research to carry into my next date. It seems like women especially are expecting this instant spark — this instant story of "oh my God, I feel so much." But her thesis is that compatibility matches with the active daily presence of mutual responsiveness, and making your partner feel deeply known and understood. That's beautiful, and I'm excited to build it with someone, because I've had close to zero luck over the last year having any kind of daily practice of mutual responsiveness. Anytime I've consistently reached out to a woman and tried to keep that daily outreach going, it's completely turned her off. And when I'm not leading it, it hasn't happened either. I imagine that with the right person it will be genuinely appreciated and mutual.
The challenge is that a lot of us, men and women, get stuck in fantasy. Men often see a beautiful woman and fantasize. Women expect to feel a set of feelings, and once they feel them, they start fantasizing. Then the moment things stop feeling easy, somebody ghosts or somebody blows everything up. I'm excited to get past that. I have no expectation that everything should just be easy in a relationship. And yes, there seem to be a lot of chronic daters now who, as soon as the honeymoon phase is over, just ghost — get back on the dating apps and go out with a whole bunch of people. I just want one queen to be a beautiful part of my life. I don't need a whole bunch of options. So many people are also stuck on toxic exes because they felt something, or thought something special was there, when there are all kinds of great people out here. And then there are couples panicking because their relationship feels boring. That's why dating is so hard — there's so much going on. The more you can appreciate the depth of everything that's happening, the more you can study dating and be a student of it, instead of someone who just gets sucked into one particular narrative or another.
Here's the interesting contradiction, though: she tells people to burn the checklist, but she still swiped for height on dating apps, and her current partner is 6'5". That makes her advice feel a little contradictory in practice, even if the underlying logic is sound. This is one of the tough things with advice in general — plenty of times people tell you one thing and did the opposite themselves.
Why the spark is usually a trap
I'd argue in a lot of ways that this romantic spark, especially the one women seem to be looking for, is more of a predictor of failure than success. A lot of times that spark is really anxiety, something being off, emotional dysregulation. It's lusting, it's fantasy — and real chemistry can actually be a little boring. I've been triggering that "boring" reaction in women: I'm safe, I'm healthy, I'm mature. A lot of women have told me how wise and kind they read my energy as, and then many of them tell me they don't feel any romantic spark. Yes — because I'm not dangerous, I'm not crazy. Although some people might think I'm crazy, since here I am doing a livestream with 100 slides on dating within the first year of a divorce. In my experience, the spark is often a predictor of failure. It's a cycle: you get the spark, you think there's something so great, it turns into something toxic, then you're stuck on your toxic ex — and you're missing the beautiful, kind-hearted person walking right past you in the meantime.
Heidi Priebe — the problem with "just date someone secure"
Creator number 15 was Heidi Priebe, with "the problem with just date someone secure when attachment wounds make safety feel like a threat." Dating a securely attached person is often sold as an easy cure for insecure attachment. Honestly, I don't even know anymore — the more I learn and take in, the more openness and flexibility I have. I think I'm a secure attachment, but as soon as I start to feel something for a woman, I start feeling insecure and anxious. Okay, she likes me — how long until she ghosts me? How long until she's all over some other guy and has moved on? How long until she's mean to me and won't acknowledge any of it, won't be wrong, won't apologize, and tries to make it all my fault? So I have the opportunity to be more securely attached. I like the idea of dating a securely attached person, but I'm also noticing that trying to date someone secure isn't the solution to my own insecurity.
The irony her video names is that there can be real psychological discomfort in secure love. Instead of a relationship that feels easy and safe, true security can initially feel like a dysregulating threat to your nervous system. I see that happen with the women I encounter and I see it in myself — starting to date someone seems like it could be really exciting, and I feel dysregulated. When I first met the woman I've mentioned and spent a few hours with, I was severely dysregulated the day after. I reached out, so excited to hang out again, and she shut it down immediately. I didn't message her for months after that. Looking back, I wonder: should I have persisted? Should I have not messaged her at all? Well, I don't have her phone number now, so I don't have any choice but to not message her, which is confusing and a little crazy. Anyone who finds themselves bored by nice people should watch this one. The downside is that it requires heavy, complex psychological framing and internal nervous system work — I'm a decently smart guy and even I struggled a bit presenting this. A lot of us assume the right partner just makes us feel safe, but ironically the right partner may feel a bit dangerous and dysregulating, precisely because you're so excited and looking at all those things we talked about before, like losing your identity.
Love Strategies — the first five seconds are lying to you
Then there was Love Strategies, "what men never tell you about the first five seconds." This one really opened my eyes: to find the right partner, you must stop trusting your initial gut reaction. I used to say things like, "I know within the first five seconds whether I like a woman, whether it's going to work or not." After seeing this, I think that's nonsense. Looking back at when I first met my ex 15 years ago, yes, I thought she was attractive and I enjoyed our chemistry — but what was really special is that she actually went on a second date with me, then we made out, then she went on a third date, then a fourth. Now I realize there could be women where one or the other of us never gave someone a chance, when we literally didn't have enough information to know almost anything yet. I remember one woman told me, "my intuition's telling me that this isn't the right match" — after barely any information at all.
This whole area is exactly the kind of thing I love working through with people. Studying it, being a student of dating rather than a victim of the spark, is a big part of what I share inside my community and the Jerry Banfield Family, and it's the kind of conversation I have when people join me, message me, or book time to work with me directly.
Give the other person a chance
Maybe, maybe not. I've noticed on both sides, people often don't give the other person a chance. When you're meeting somebody cold off a dating app or a matchmaking service, you often won't have had that much compatibility in the first place. But this is why being in community with people helps so much, because when you've seen somebody, especially for women, if you've known a man for months, maybe more than a year, then you don't have to go off this instant intuition all the time, which can often be just a lot of programming, things from the past, like not real intuition but just biological instincts and things that actually might not have much of a connection or basis on what would make a good relationship.
This goes very well with recommending to always do a second date, and I am taking this to heart, because at least half the time I've been the one willing to cancel the second date, ghost, or give up on getting to know someone after meeting them once. This is worth watching, especially for professional, successful women who repeatedly fall for charming but emotionally unavailable men, or anyone who feels exhausted by their instincts. I can be charming. I hate doing fake charming, or trying to do that. I like to just be dark humor, talk shit, very direct, and that's sometimes it. But I've noticed I've actually been being boring instead of being like that, by trying to sell myself instead of buy, considering that earlier idea.
I actually agree that picking the wrong relationship ruins your life. It's a bit fear-based extreme, but then again, a guy paid to have a call with me. He told me about this crazy toxic thing he was going through with a relationship. And where exactly did we go wrong here? From my view, picking the wrong relationship absolutely ruined his life. And yes, especially if you're very loyal to the wrong relationship. So there's a delicate balance between saying no to something that's clearly not right versus giving someone a chance.
This is why you really need community. You need feedback. Ideally, if you're going to date someone, it's nice if you know other people who know them to give you that perspective. The women I know now that I'm most interested in dating, there are two or three of them, and I know a lot of people who also know them. So that's a much better perspective. If I go out with them, it's not even really a first date the same way it is with somebody on a dating app or a matchmaking service. So if you're using dating apps and matchmaking services, you've got to trust your instinct more. But the problem is your gut could be wrong. If you want that kind of feedback and perspective around you, that's exactly what I've built inside the Jerry Banfield Family, and you can also book a call with me like that guy did.
Mindful Attraction 2.0 and the trauma bond
I wanted to get a sex therapist in here, so I found Mindful Attraction 2.0, on the psychology of how men fall in love. The idea is that men pursue women through either healthy, slow progression or fast, toxic trauma bond. Boy, do I know about fast, toxic trauma bond. The warning is that women with unhealed anxiety often misinterpret stable pacing as boring and push good men away. Yep.
I used to go after the fast, toxic trauma bond. But then I also noticed that when I first got separated, I was trying to still date like that, and I don't anymore. My personality's changed. I'm sober. I don't work that way. So now I'm working on stable pacing, and then that's being seen as boring. This one woman said she didn't feel the chemistry. I didn't text her for a couple of days because we already had the date set up. She was like a decade younger than me, and some people said, well, you should have been texting her every day. I'm like, why? I've met her once. We have a second date scheduled. Why should I be texting her every day? My interpretation is she felt like I was boring, because I wasn't constantly stimulating and there. But I don't know, because I deleted her number immediately too, which I probably would question in that same situation again.
This is definitely worth watching if you're a woman with a history of dating emotionally unavailable men. I'm not big on the word narcissist, because I think that gets overused a lot. But it does break my heart to see how many women date these emotionally unavailable men. I also swear like their intention getting into a relationship is to suffer, not to have something joyful. And if you get into some emotionally unavailable man, you're going to suffer.
I don't go to weekly therapy directly, although I do go to weekly massage therapy, which can be seen as its own kind of therapy. And this is what's interesting: this video is encouraging venting to friends while other videos are encouraging the exact opposite. This is what makes things so interesting out there, and it gives us the opportunity to help each other. A big point to think of is: why do we call healthy love boring and toxic love chemistry? This is why I've found dating apps are not for me anymore, because they encourage that trauma bond pacing. I hate the idea of sex on a first date, even though I've certainly done it, not lately. It was back in November, so that was eight months ago, and that wasn't even a date. She just came over to my house. I guess it was the first date, wasn't it? So I've found I don't ever want to do sex on a first date again. That is not a way to start a relationship with somebody.
Magic Maya: why women ignore men they want
Magic Maya says that why women ignore men they're most attracted to is not rejection. Women often ignore or pull back from men they're highly attracted to because intense attraction triggers deep-seated insecurities, self-doubt, and an overwhelming fear of emotional vulnerability. I can identify one woman right now who seems to feel that with me. She seems like she very much wants a relationship. She's already told me that what I'm looking for is what she's looking for, and yet when she's with me, it seems to trigger these insecurities, self-doubt, and emotional vulnerability. For me, it seems like I need to notice a woman's awkwardness and not interpret it as failure or rejection, but maybe she likes me so much it's making her uncomfortable and making her struggle a bit. I've had a number of conversations with women where it's hard to tell whether we had no compatibility at all, or rather they were in this category.
Unfortunately it doesn't provide a strategy for how a man should act when a woman pulls back, and I don't have answers to that either. Maybe it makes sense to reach out at some point. Somebody has to reach out. But at the same time, to me, if a woman pulls back, like with my ex deciding to get divorced, there was no going back. It didn't matter that I was interested in doing anything to fix it and work together. To me, if the woman pulls back, that's the last straw for the relationship. As a man, I believe in being willing to do anything to keep her, but if she pulls away, to me that's it.
Honey Renee: butterflies are not love
Honey Renee, how do I know if he likes me? It's one of those very basic high attraction tactics videos. Dating should be handled with the cold strategy of a corporate job hunt. I don't know, man. Dating should be really emotional. Women must keep their options open with a roster, demand real life. No, this is yuck.
But her distinction between anxiety and love is her best advice, teaching women that butterflies are actually a sign of nervous uncertainty, and a true healthy relationship should feel boringly peaceful. These are conversations I'm going to have on a date. To me, romantic sparks often are a sign of a potentially or probably toxic relationship, whereas a healthy relationship might, at least in some ways, feel a bit boring. But it will also feel safe, and you'll feel like you want to open up and get into it further. Whereas those insane hot sparks are often an indication that there's going to be an explosion and it's going to be a disaster.
I have found a woman or two who overinvested in me too early on, and I didn't like that. But I'd like to have a woman I like who would overinvest in me early on. If I could like you, please over-invest in me. I would love that. From what I'm seeing, most of the women I'm encountering are struggling with under-investing, in me at least. And I do not agree with her advice at all about lining up a new partner, although part of me really wishes I had done that, as I mentioned before. Lining up your partner before you leave the current one is dishonorable.
If any of this is landing for you, this whole journey came out of me studying these creators one by one, and you can go deeper with my Dating playlist. The biggest takeaway I keep coming back to is that the romantic spark is a trap, and calm, safe, slightly boring love is the real thing worth building.