On February 19, 2023, the girl I have a crush on at yoga was there at the 10 a.m. Sunday class again. Today was the day I'd decided I was going to tell her that I can't keep coming to this class, even though I've been going to this class since October, and I really love this class, and this seems to be her favorite class as well. After talking to Mickey last week, it is time for me to put this thing where it needs to be and to end it.
After class, after we did yoga next to each other, and all of her body language was super positive, she was so excited to be talking to me, I told her that I can't keep going to this yoga class on Sunday because I need to spend the time with my family. And I could see her. Her initial first reaction is she looks like I just smacked her. She looks hurt and disappointed and sad. And she looks like she heard what I really said.
What I really said
What I really said is, this is getting dangerous for me, and I'm scared of you. I can't handle you anymore, and we shouldn't see each other anymore. And yet she wipes the initial reaction off her face pretty quickly and plays it off. And I tell her that I'll still be going to the Friday morning class at 9 a.m. if she'd like to see me there, and I noticed she hasn't been there in a little while. But the Sunday one is just not working for me. And we walk out together and say goodbye.
And I keep thinking about that look that came across her face when I said that I can't keep doing this yoga class anymore. Because we seem to be able to understand each other so well that she heard what I was really saying, and she was really taken aback by it.
The right thing, and yet I feel awful
And now I feel really bad. Although I feel virtuous, like I'm doing the right thing to take care of my relationship with my family, my wife and, on behalf of my kids, I'm doing the right thing to be there for them, I also feel awful that I've now been the first person in this relationship, if you want to call it that. I'm the first one who's been me. I'm the first one who's really hurt the other person's feelings, and now I'm questioning whether I really needed to do this at all.
Did I really need to tell her that I can't keep going in this class? Yes, it would help if I was not at that yoga class every Sunday, because sometimes I miss out on doing stuff with the family to go to this yoga class. But now my wife is used to me not being there Sunday, and she usually is doing stuff with her family. So I also feel kind of fraudulent, like I easily could keep going to this Sunday yoga class. And in some ways I feel like I just was dishonest, instead of expressing my fear and saying, hey, I really like you, and I'm scared. Instead of being honest, I just pushed her away without really communicating everything that's been going on with me. And I'm just full of regret today.
Like a newcomer again
And at the same time I feel absolutely insane, like I'm a newcomer in AA again. Even though I've been sober almost nine years now, and I'm generally very emotionally sober, this is about the farthest out of whack I've gotten in quite a while. And even though I followed the advice, this is what most people have told me to do. Most people have said to push her away, to stop seeing her, and I didn't want to just ghost her because that felt so wrong, but this feels wrong too. And now I'm starting to hit some even higher levels of suffering, and this is so unfair, it's so ridiculous, like almost everybody in my life agrees with what I'm doing.
Although I've still not talked to my wife about this, because she said before she didn't want to hear about any more of these little crushes I had on girls. But this is getting to the point where I think I need to talk to her about it as well. And now, with what I've done today, I think I'm in a good position to talk to my wife about this.
I keep working through these crushes, dating, and what I actually want out of my relationships out loud in my Dating playlist, and if you want the fuller arc of how this particular yoga crush played out, I told more of it in the yoga girl date story.