I have a little story to tell that I think you'll find useful in life, both to feel empowered and to avoid situations where people seem to be bullying you or being mean to you. It has helped me to see and take responsibility for what I contributed to the situation, because that is where you can actually make a change. I call this one the Lunch Box Bully.
The day I fought a bigger kid over a lunch box
This is a story of me in seventh grade. Back then I had this green lunch box with a strap on it, and my dad would pack me a nice lunch every day. One day, I think I was playing four square, this kid picked up my lunch box and was looking through it. Now, this kid was bigger than me, and I think he was in eighth grade. He was a kid I did not know.
He picked the lunch box up, and I came over and saw him holding my lunch box. I don't remember exactly how I came out of the gate, but I said, "Hey, that's my lunch box. Give me that lunch box." The kid did not immediately give it back. So I got confrontational and escalated and said, "Give me that lunch box right now."
Then I went for it. I grabbed the lunch box, and the kid held on to it and then let go of it at the last minute. Because he had been holding on and then suddenly let go, and because I had leaned back and was just grabbing this lunch box with all the force I could, when he let go I fell backwards and hit my head on the concrete. When I got home from school, my parents were concerned, so they took me to the urgent care, and everything was fine, of course.
I was so sure he was the bully
At the time, I purely thought, this kid is such a bully. This kid is such a jerk for being like that. But I look back now and I realize, yes, this kid did go pick up something that wasn't his, and he was not nice about giving it back. By the way, by how people define bullies, you can absolutely say this kid was a bully.
At the same time, what I see today is, can we use our heads? Think about it. This was some twenty dollar lunch box. I could have been very magnanimous with this kid and said, "Have my lunch box." I was the one who got into it with him and started the fight over a lunch box. I did that. I didn't need to do that, but I did.
The part most of us miss: taking responsibility
That is the point a lot of us miss in life, taking responsibility for an action like that. Hey, yeah, this kid put himself in a position to bully me, but I'm the one who let myself be bullied. This kid was obviously bigger. I could have walked up and just asked nicely, "Hey, can I have my lunch box back?" And if he said no, or didn't give it back, I could just walk off and think, cool, my parents will buy me another one. It's no big deal. Have the lunch box.
Today, if I were to encounter the same situation, that's exactly what I'd do. I'd be like, all right, kid, have the lunch box. It's not a big deal. I'm not going to get in a fight or hurt myself over this lunch box. Very often in life we're too willing to get in fights and hurt ourselves over a lunch box. We're too willing to go there and fight with somebody over something kind of dumb. So I'm glad I've learned to stop that. Instead of fighting over something pointless, let somebody else have it. Learning to step back from a needless conflict is one of the things I keep coming back to inside the Jerry Banfield Family.
What I try to teach my own kids
I didn't see this for a long time in my life, and I try to practice it now in parenting. When my kids are fighting with each other, I try to let them learn through conflict. To me, what looks good intentioned in a school, like an anti-bullying campaign, looks good on the surface, but it's also kind of dumb and lame. Instead of teaching kids real conflict management skills, we put up these campaigns. Who knows what kind of house that kid grew up in? He might have grown up in a very brutal, nasty household where he was bullied and where people were nasty to him all the time.
Instead of addressing that, we have these "don't bully people" slogans. Yeah, that's a good intention, but does it really do anything? Not much. What helps is to really take responsibility for my own life and my own choices. That is what actually, truly makes a big difference. Letting kids work through real conflict is exactly why I came to see how conflict became a healthy part of our home rather than something to suppress.
Stop fighting over "the principle"
This is why I'm telling this story, because we often have these opportunities to avoid situations of conflict, to avoid being nasty to people, and to just let things go. Think about that lunch box, how easy it would have been for me to just walk away. Cool, I have my lunch box, kid. My parents could buy me a hundred more lunch boxes. It's not a big deal. Instead I ended up hitting my head and hurting myself over fighting with somebody for the principle of the thing.
I used to get so much into, "It's not about the thing itself, it's about the principle." If you ever hear yourself saying that, just know you're in a screwed up place. Because if you're having a fight over the principle of something, you're in a needless fight. It's like with traffic. When people tailgate me, I try to get out of the way. If somebody fast is ramming along, I try to immediately get out of the way instead of getting in a fight and then potentially getting hurt myself. For what? I get in a fight, I get hurt, and then what do I gain out of that? Nothing. I get nothing back.
So it's always very valuable to consider, what are you going to get out of this? What is the most you can possibly gain out of this situation? I'm glad I'm good at thinking about that today. Even best case scenario, how is this going to work out for me? That same honest look back at my own choices is the thread running through my whole life story of un-effing myself, and you can find more of these reflections in my Life playlist.
The takeaway I hope saves you a fight
I hope this little Lunch Box Bully story is useful for you next time a conflict comes along, as a reason to reconsider your position. Think, what do I really need to be in this fight? And if you do get hurt fighting with somebody, take responsibility and say, look, you chose to get in that fight. Most of the time you can avoid conflict. Not all the time, but most of the time you have the opportunity to avoid getting in a fight in the first place. Some of the hardest conflicts to release are with family, which is why I've also written about how to forgive a parent who disowned you. If I can save you from getting in a fight, I hope that will be very useful for you.