On February 24, 2023, I'm at the Friday Power Flow again, and this time the yoga girl I have a crush on is not here. And I am crying. I am devastated. I know what I've done now, and I'll be lucky if I ever see her again. I bet if I were her, she's never coming to this class again. Her feelings are hurt, and she probably feels it's all unfair and wrong, too, the same as I do. And I'm just absolutely devastated on my mat. I'm just crying the entire yoga class, and I don't even care anymore.
Why does this hurt so much?
I don't understand why this hurts so much. Nothing has hurt my feelings like this in a long time. And I'm wondering if it's partly because I don't feel good about what I did, but I don't understand why. Well, I don't feel good about what I did because everybody else in my life said that's what I should do. And in the interest of protecting everybody I care about, that's what seemed right. So why am I so miserable now? It hurts. It hurts so bad.
A deadmau5 song overtakes me
And then towards the end of the class, I hear this deadmau5 song, Avaritia, which is named after one of the seven deadly sins. I can hear the sound coming from the back of me. My suffering is flowing around me like music. And I can hear this deadmau5 Avaritia sound coming in from the back, and it just overtakes me. And I start sobbing now with joy that I'm alive, that I'm healthy, that I'm taking care of my family, that everything is okay. And God, what an emotional rollercoaster. Holy crap.
I'm glad I have this depth of feeling
I'm so glad I have this depth of feeling, because I had really deep feelings when I was a kid that were so hard to control. And I've got my life so sterile in some ways, so regimented, so perfect, that often nothing evokes serious feeling in me. But man, this feels like I'm just being ripped and put back together.
At my AA meeting, nothing helps
I go to my AA meeting, and I'm not the euphoric kind of guy anymore. In fact, I'm a bit dysphoric right now. I tell them that I did what they said I should do, and people are proud of me. People are happy, and they're saying things like, you're taking care of your family and your sobriety, and you're doing the right thing. But nothing they say makes me feel any better. They don't know what it's like to live my life. Or maybe they do, because people are also sharing about all their divorces, and when they were unfaithful with their partners, and took things much further than I did.
I just want to see her again
And I just am wondering if I'll ever see her again. I really want to see her again. I'm so sorry for what I've done now. I feel like I screwed this up somehow, the same as I used to feel when I'd go out with girls and they'd never call me back. But this time, I know exactly what I did. I just pushed her away instead of having a real conversation and being honest. And God, I hope I see her again. If I can see her again, maybe we'll have a second chance to talk.
I'm desperately wanting to know how she's doing, but I can't go back to that Sunday class this week, because if I show up after I told her I can't come to it anymore, then I'm a total fraud. And what if she's not there? I told my wife I wasn't going to go to the Sunday yoga anymore either. So I've really locked myself in with this. So I'm stuck. I've got to go to this Friday Power Flow every morning just to see if she's there. And I can't go to the Sunday Flow anymore. God, I don't know what I'm doing with my life sometimes. If you want to ride along through more days like this one, you can watch more of my daily life in my Life playlist.