This is my journal entry from January 10, 2026 — my real, unedited day, shared just as it happened.
Wake up first thing this morning to a message from a woman I had been seeing that feels pretty cold. Maybe she didn't mean it as cold as it sounded, but I was so happy to see a message from her. And then her message says, or if you believe I still owe you for the work you've done, at your convenience, please let me know. I hope your holidays went well and you're enjoying a fresh start of 2026. Almost sounds like AI wrote that or something. Maybe it did. So I'm like, Jesus, that feels like a nice cold message. So three minutes later, I sent back, good morning, I'm satisfied with the exchange we did for the work. Like my message topped her message in coldness.
Got up feeling kind of just like, fuck, can't we do better than this as humans? Like, can't we be nicer and warmer and loving to each other? Maybe it's my own filter. Maybe she did mean her message to be warm and I just filtered it as being cold and absolutely like nothing. You know, maybe is that warmth in the message when she says, good morning, I'm sorry, things have been hectic and I haven't had much free time. Her shit's always hectic, though. Like, fucking people, why is your life so hectic? Like, I just got divorced. I quit my career. I moved, and I wouldn't say my life has been hectic. What the fuck are y'all doing? Like, I guess I know some of you have jobs and kids, and she does not have kids. Like, her life shouldn't be so hectic, except that she seems incapable of doing a good job handling the routine shit that she has to deal with like moving and working. But maybe she did, you know, she said, I hope your holidays went well. Maybe, maybe my message was too cold for her, but you know what? Fuck. It's, you know, whatever. I don't know what to do anymore. So then, after messaging her, I woke up with a nasty taste in my mouth, like, ugh. And maybe it was even worse because of the message I sent. Like I interpreted her message cold, so I sent mine back as cold.
Then I took some time to get things organized and ready for the kids this morning. And there's an AA event that started at 11, but I'm not feeling a sound bowl meditation. So I went to my gym to work out and lift some weights a little bit, which was good. Then I ended up getting to the part of the AA event that had food. So I got there at like 12, you know, 20 after 12 or something. I got there and went straight to the food. And there are lots of people I know and I enjoyed talking to them.
And then there's a girl that I'd asked a few weeks before if she wanted to date. And I was feeling awkward. I'm like, oh, you know, I didn't even want to like talk to her, say hi or be friendly or anything. But then she was sitting by herself with her dog for at least five minutes eating. I'm like, fuck, if I'm going to talk to her, I should do it. So I went over to talk to her. And keep in mind, she dated one of the guys there previously that was also at this thing. So I talked to her for a while about dating and stuff. And she's been single most of her life, which is crazy to me. I mean, I remember being single a lot of my 20s. You know, I've actually been in a relationship most of my adult life. And she said she didn't want to have kids either. So that's good to know. No point in trying to date her. But she's pretty. We have a lot in common with AA and yoga. And she has a job. She works. But at the same time, what kind of life is this for her? Where she's just single most of the time and hanging out with her family. I guess that's fine. My aunt lived mostly like that. But my aunt had a bunch of other kids to raise, you know, elder parents and stuff to take care of. Like my aunt had a very busy full life with her family, but I guess it's fair for all of us to live how we want to live, right? But what's best for the collective? What's best for planet Earth? I feel like having more kids and, you know, being joyful and connecting with other people is, you know, that's where life is. This girl spends a lot of time like at home working and then on her devices watching TV and stuff, it seems like. But she also does have lots of stuff to do with her family as well. I talked to her and she doesn't do online dating either, which is nice validation. It's like, you know, the kind of girl I want to meet and I overlap a lot. And if you want to meet her, you can't find her online, which is great. Like, I want to be looking for girls that are not online dating. She said online dating is too much work. And that's interesting to hear that it's too much work for girls, too, because, you know, you got to sort through a lot of guys.
I talked to another girl who is maybe seven or so years older than me. She's also pretty. My sponsor really likes her, but I'm kind of on the fence about her. She said she's been single for three years, and the only thing she misses is the sex. I'm like, yeah, I get that. She's like, well, I just want the perfect man to come along. And which leaves me thinking, am I trying to put too many conditions on the perfect woman? Am I demanding too much? Because it certainly seems like some of these girls are demanding too much or they're demanding arbitrary things that don't matter. Like, you know, you got to agree on politics or something, which, you know, I guess if you want to talk politics all the time and bitch about the same thing, maybe that'll work and you can bond over it. But I guess what matters to each person is different. And it seems like too many people are too picky these days. But then it's like, I can't control them. What can I do with myself? Should I lower my standards? And which area should I lower them in? I don't know. As long as I feel really excited about someone, that is what matters. And that's what I kind of got to talking with these girls is like, I really need to feel really excited about someone. And I'd get excited easily, but I lose interest easily.
Like a woman I'd been talking to. I messaged her yesterday about reading my letters. She said she couldn't make it. So then I messaged her this morning saying that my son had soccer and I'm available this afternoon, tomorrow afternoon. So then she said she won't be back this weekend, blah, blah, blah. So I sent a message that I said I'm happy to do my share of the driving if you'd like me to come up. So then she sends like a three-minute voice memo message explaining why it totally makes sense for her to sit in her fucking house that she can't wait to get out of because it's these other people that she doesn't like living with and she's dog sitting and she doesn't want anybody to come over this house, but at the same time, she doesn't want to get out of it either. She thinks the best thing to do is to sit alone in her house all weekend.
So I sent a voice memo back saying, it seems if I share more from my experience, people can pick up on it if they want to, but at the same time aren't quite as defensive. So I said the most miserable times in my life were sitting at home by myself trying to figure things out. And meanwhile, where I did truly thrive in figuring things out and making changes is by being with other people. Like the day I got divorced, as you can read about in The Kind Divorce, or the day my ex-wife and I decided it. The next day, I spent all day talking to people. I didn't sit in my fucking house trying to figure it all out. I talked to my sponsor. I talked to another guy in AA. And I talked to several other people. The next day, I spent hours on the phone with my sister and with my massage therapist. And the day after my ex-wife and I talked about it, I met up with a woman I know and spent two hours talking to her. Like, I got out of the fucking house and talked to people. I've learned the hard way that I come alive around people instead of alone, and if you feel that too, I'd love for you to get out of the house and join us in the Jerry Banfield Family.
I just don't understand how — I do understand. Like people rationalize and think that somehow sitting in your house by yourself, you're going to figure shit out. Do you think an ant sitting off in the corner is going to figure shit out for the ant colony? Like, no, you need to be out there talking to people, interacting with people. Now, yes, I get if you've been out at work all day socializing and, you know, doing that at work, then, yeah, you might need one to three hours at home to have some quiet time or somewhere to like unwind. But it seems to me that the most depressed I've been in my life has been the times when I've spent a bunch of time at home wallowing in self-pity. And to me, it just looks like that's exactly what — maybe that's not what she's doing, but I sent her that and explained it similar to how I did here. And then I also said what I noticed is people often say they want one thing, but if you look at their actions, their actions don't indicate that they actually want that. And with her, her actions do not line up with what she says she wants. She says she wants a nice place to live. She says she wants to do some work she loves, and she says she thinks she has a lover coming along, but look how she acts with me. I show her a place that if she'd have cooperated and been open, she could have moved in here. I'm open and available and showed interest in being her lover, and I have money in the bank. I could pay her to do stuff. I sent her an invitation.
My sister gave me feedback on my letter and I'll talk more about that in a minute. I sent my sister $50 for giving me feedback on my letter. Like here was the easy money for her — saying that she has like, you know, one or $200 in a bank, she's getting stressful, I send an easy opportunity to easily make money in like an hour by reading a fucking letter. And I told her, and I didn't go in on her specifically, but I said, what I see often is people say they want to get sober in Alcoholics Anonymous, but will they go to AA meetings? No. Will they get a sponsor? No. Will they read the book? No. And then they drink. And it's like they didn't actually really want to get sober. If you really want to do something, your actions must match and you must be open to what you want. And she's a perfect example. Like she's not open to what she says she wants.
If she was open and, you know — it's probably good for me that she's not because I can find someone that's probably much, you know, that I'm more excited about. I was excited about her, but she totally fucked it up by being closed off to me, by holding back, by keeping her distance, by wallowing in her shit by herself, you know, by not being open. And it's like if you just watch her, it's like, what the fuck is she doing? Like this guy's into her, interested, has all the stuff she says she wants. And what does she do? She doesn't want to make out with him. She leaves, you know, and says she's not going to be available, and then she's talking about how bad her situation is living. But is she doing anything? Is she walking through the open doors to improve it? No.
And while I can't do anything about her, I did send her a six-minute voice memo, sharing this, like, hey, you should think about this. Meanwhile, I notice sometimes that I'll do that as well, that I'll say I want one thing but act another way. With a woman I had been seeing, it's like she matched so many of the things I wanted on paper, but once we were actually together I realized the connection and the attraction just weren't there for me. I'm like, come on, universe. You can do a little bit better than that, right? I know I've got my own work to do on being clearer about what I actually want and not stringing people along.
So after I sent that voice memo and I talked with some of the people at the AA party, then I found a lot of the AA thing was wrapping up around like 1:30. So some of the people were sitting in a circle and just talking. And I see this guy throwing the football to himself, like throwing it and then going to get it, tossing it up in the air. And I watched this guy for like five minutes. And meanwhile, the one girl that talked to me that is pretty and that doesn't want kids that I mentioned earlier, she's sitting next to me, but we're not talking or anything. I'm looking at this guy throwing a football, and I see a couple of objectives at once. Number one, I'd love to throw the football. Number two, this guy looks like he could use somebody to throw the football with. And number three, what a great opportunity for peacocking or for showing off. So I get up and walk over to this guy, probably like 50 yards. And I'm like, hey, do you want somebody to throw the football with? And he's like, sure. So I start throwing the football at him, and I'm so happy with how good my throwing is. Like, holy shit. I'm like, I don't know if I've ever been able to throw a football this accurately. Like my spirals are coming off beautifully. They're going most of the time right where I want them to go. I'm like, damn, this is awesome. I'm reflecting on doing yoga and weightlifting has seemed to, especially yoga has really helped me balance my muscles out. And I still have muscle memory, even though I haven't thrown a football like this in a decade with another grown man, since I threw a football with now my former brother-in-law.
Then I'm like, this is so awesome. So we're throwing a football out in the sun, sweating our asses off. It's thick grass, so I dove for one of them, perfectly like landed on my shoulder and rolled it just right. Guy's like, hey, hey, take it easy. Don't hurt yourself, buddy. And at the same time, like, this is great peacocking. Like, I hope they're watching me run around at the AA circle with this guy. And him and I end up throwing the football for damn near an hour. Like, we take a significant break in the middle of it. But he actually wears down before I do. Like, I've got my heart rate up to the max. And I'm having to mouth breathe occasionally. But he actually wears down before I do. And he's like, damn, you're in good shape, man. And I told him I'm 41. He's like, holy shit. I thought you were like 29. Like you were in great shape. I'm like, thanks. You know, I love that. Days like this remind me how good it feels to just show up and connect with someone, and if you want more of that, come throw in with us in the Jerry Banfield Family.
So I ended up talking to this guy. He lives in his van, which is parked a hundred yards away. He takes me to show me his van. It's a nice ass van, like an $85,000 van that he bought new. This shit is nice — it's got a shower, a kitchen, a bed, it has built-in solar panels, a 600 amp hour battery. Like this is a nice ass van that he lives in. He's been traveling around the country living in it for a couple years. He works online as a software engineer. And we have a great chat. We talk a lot about dating because he's single. And I tell him, go to my yoga studio, man. There's so many hot girls there. Try going to my yoga studio. He's like, oh, I'm short, though. You know, dating apps really suck being a short guy.
So him and I talk a lot about dating and all kinds of other stuff. And then he says he's going to go eat. So I walk back and leave him at his van. I go back and sit in the AA circle, but like five minutes later, he comes back out and says, hey, you know, I was just sitting in there, I thought we'd talk some more. I'm like, oh, that's a brave thing for this guy to do. That's so brave, and I love it. So I then take another hour-long walk with him. We walk all the way to the bridge from the park over by the main parking lot there. We walk all the way up to the bridge and back, which takes about an hour. And we talk a lot more about girls and dating and work. And I tell him about being an influencer. He says he thinks it's really virtuous and that God smiles upon the person who would, you know, delete all their followers online because the environment is corrupt, and to take the path of virtue rather than just profit. And that was a really nice conversation. I walked all the way back and then dropped him off at his van again because I was already full from eating at the AA thing. I didn't need to eat. And it's time for me to get ready for the kids. So I drop him off at his van and I go home to get ready for the kids.
I have a little salad, forgetting that I already had a big ass Caesar salad that was at the AA event. I then get everything ready for the kids and I get some feedback about my letter. So my sister says that my letter should be shorter. It's a 10 page letter. She says, you know, make it like one or two pages. And one of my friends, I'm helping him write his book. He texts me this toxic ass fucking text. It starts off saying you do not have the command of the language you believe you do — even AI does not convey what is being expressed effectively and can be understood as a meager attempt to impress. That's how it started, all right? It didn't get any better than that. Like, who the fuck pissed in your Cheerios today? Like, damn, man. But I do remember this guy — another guy, a neighbor, gave me his book that he was really happy about and proud of like almost a decade ago after an AA meeting one day. And I just ripped him. I said, I don't see why we need books like this and shit like that. So I was pretty toxic about that guy's book. So, you know, I was like, the fuck is with this? I asked for feedback and damn, he ripped it. Another guy had given me feedback saying my letters should be shorter as well.
And then after I got everything cleaned up, I texted a massage therapist asking if she wanted to do a massage, because a friend texted me to say she can do a massage the week that she had scheduled and my massage therapist is out of town. So I texted her to see if she wanted to do a massage. And she said, I'm moving out of that house. I'll no longer have that spot. I'm sorry. Keeping it myself for a bit. I hope you're well. God damn, why do people have to fucking isolate so much? Like, Jesus Christ. Like, what the fuck? Is it just me? Or are people just normally this isolated? It's terrible how isolated people are, just sitting in their goddamn houses wallowing. Like, my mom, after my dad died, just fucking sit in her house and wallow. Like, get out there.
You know, if something happened like that to me, I would be out there, but I got divorced. So that's already one of the top bad things that happens to people. I've been out there and I've been writing about it and being real about it. I'm not sitting here being ashamed. And this writing is fucking awesome. All right. It's awesome. So she sends me a message. I send her, you know, asking if she broke up with her boyfriend, because I thought they were going to have that house for a while. And I thought they had a year lease and she just moved into it. But you know, I told her I moved into a new house, my divorce is final, I thought you're staying there, did she break up? You know, of course, no response. And then I texted a girl that I met at yoga class that I hadn't texted for a few weeks. And then I texted a girl from AA right before the kids came over and I'm like, God damn it. Like, why did I fucking do that? I'm so tired of this. Nobody fucking responding.
God, is this how men are too? I guess it is, because a woman I had been seeing would tell you that I did the same thing — I'd reach out, then decide I wasn't into it and pull back and tell her I didn't want to talk anymore. I'm not proud of it. Man, I'm excited when I finally find a woman that actually mutually engages. Like the woman I'd been talking to mutually engaged for a few days until she fucked it up. Or maybe you could say I fucked it up by expecting too much of her and not being patient. But, you know, she's 57 years old. How much time do you got, all right? Like, how much time do you got? To be patient, get your shit together. If you recognize your own push-and-pull patterns in this and want to untangle them out loud, I'd be glad to talk it through with you on a private Zoom call.
So then the kids come over, which is awesome. My ex-wife loves the setup of the house. Oh, right before they come over, though, the craziest shit happens, all right? So there's this ceramic inside the shower. I take a cold shower because I was out in the sun for a good while, so I want to cool off. So there's these ceramic rack holders, like you'd hold a rack that you'd hang a towel up on. But for some reason, there's two of them jutting out from the wall on the left side of the shower. And one of them I noticed when I showered before, like, juts out only a few inches from my face. Like, who the fuck hung this? Like, this is stupid. So there are these ceramic towel rack holders that jut out from inside the wall. And there's all kinds of other shit you could already hold. So I am taking a cold shower. I bend down, and I turn the water on. Then I turn the faucet so instead of coming out of the faucet, it sprays from the shower head. And then the cold hits me on the back and I jerk my head up in reaction to it. And my fucking skull knocks off, breaks the ceramic towel rack holder in half. It shears it cleanly off. I use my fucking skull to shear a ceramic towel holder in half.
I'm dumbfounded. At first, I'm like, fuck, did I fracture my skull? Like, Jesus Christ. The amount of force I hit that with to shear it, and it falls apart into pieces, into like three pieces in the shower. I pick one up quickly, not thinking that when you shear ceramic, it's sharp. And I cut my fucking left index finger right where it bends, and it starts bleeding. And I'm like, well, at least I didn't pass out or knock out or anything, but fuck. And then I get the ceramics out of the shower and I'm like, you've got to be shitting me. Like what just happened right now? And I start feeling my head. And the crazy thing is, my head doesn't even hurt. I'm like, this is weird. Like, why does my head not hurt? I just broke this. I mean, if you try and touch it or feel it, you would not think anything short of like bashing that shit with a hammer would shear it. I'm like, I can't believe I just broke this with my fucking head.
I'm feeling my head. I'm like, is that a dent right there? Is that a fucking dent in my skull? Is it caved in right there? Did I fucking cave in a part of my skull right here? I'm like, I can't tell, but you know what I'm not doing? I'm not going to a fucking hospital. In my experience, this shit will heal up by itself just fine, no problem. Like when my son banged his head — he banged his head right into a concrete edge and his head swelled up like a golf ball right where he bashed into it, but he was fine. I'm like, you know what? I'm fucking fine. But my brain's like, you fractured your skull, you should go to the hospital. I'm like, fuck that. First off, I have no interest going to the hospital and having them shoot fucking x-rays into my head. And then second, I just got my health insurance canceled. No, thanks. I would not enjoy spending money on that. I'm not in enough fear to go to the hospital and go into that shit show. Like, I'm sure this is fine. I think about the father in the book Educated, where he burns his face off with a gas tank blowing up in it. He didn't go to the hospital. I mean, that shit's about as bad as something could get and did not kill you. Like, I'm not going to the fucking hospital for bumping my head in the shower. And I mean, I bumped it hard, but.
I can't wait to show my ex-wife and the kids what I did, and they're horrified, especially my ex-wife. She's like, you knocked that off with your head? I was thinking it was marble or something. She's like, no, that's ceramic. I'm like, oh, okay. I'm like, I can't believe I just broke this thing off with my head, and it doesn't even hurt either. Not hurting much is a little concerning. I'm like, why the hell doesn't it hurt? That was a hell of an impact. But we press on.
The kids get here, and they're ready to go to Crescent Lake Park, so we grab the drone and the batteries and the car, and we go fly the drone, both batteries out, drive the car all over, and my ex-wife drops the kids off at 5:30. We're at the park until after 7 when it's dark. The kids are having a blast. They're doing everything, driving the car all over, going to the playground, getting on the play set. My son brings a little gun that fires a plane on top of it that flashes, which is great in the dark. The drone has lights in the dark too, so we're all having a great time.
Until — it's like that D12 song — the kids tell me that I'd given one of my books to a friend of a relative of my ex-wife. And they tell me that their mom said that relative told the friend she should just throw my book out. And my mind launches into all the things I want to say back, things to insult her, things the kids could say to hurt her feelings. And then I'm like, remember your thank you practice from yesterday. So I'm like, thank you that I don't have to deal with this anymore. I mean, I love black kids, by the way — that's why I changed my race to black.
So there you go. You want to throw my books in the trash? Good. Don't read this shit where I talk about you. All the nice shit I did over the years, all this time, wanting them to like me so much — and this is the kind of shit I'm getting. Well, good. I'll fire back in this book too. But it's okay if nobody ever reads this shit — it'll be like it didn't happen. If everybody reads it, then I got the last word. So take that. I didn't mention anybody by name. I mean, I guess you could figure it out, but I think you're pretty much protected from libel if you don't go after people by name. But who gives a shit? Fuck it. If you assume nobody's going to read the book, fuck it. If the book gets to be a bestseller and I have to deal with a lawsuit, then take that shit to trial. Like I did so much for this relative of my ex-wife to try to get them to like me and be nice and help them out when they went through their divorce. But look at me now. I don't have a pot to piss in, do I? I'm sitting in this house by myself, because they could say I fucked my life up from a divorce too. Well, at least I own how I'm responsible and how I did that and what I did to make that happen. And I have a great relationship with my ex.
So that fucked me up while I was at the park with my kids. I was all pissy about that. But then I was saying thank you. Thank you that I don't have to deal with this anymore. Thank you that she's not here right now. Thank you that I'm divorced. But at the same time, this is frustrating when you love people and want them to like you and they just treat you like shit. But that's life, isn't it? And you know what? I'm glad that there's less space. Because this person used to take up a good amount of space in my mind and my heart. And clearly it was not mutual. She didn't give a shit about me. And what I think is awful in life is when we let somebody matter to us that we don't matter to them. And I try not to let anybody. That's why I don't want to do all this shit online anymore. Because I feel like when you're an influencer online, you matter to all these people. And yet, y'all don't matter to me. I mean, it's obvious through a book you're not going to get to know me that well. But when you're watching videos and stuff, you get the illusion that you know me. So I tell the kids that hurt my feelings and I'm sad. At the same time, we still overall end up having a great time. If you're wrestling with who deserves space in your life and who doesn't, I'd be honored to think it through with you one-on-one on a private Zoom call.
And then the kids get home. They're excited to try the shower, which now has the space cleared out for that. So if they jump around in there, around the shower head at least, maybe I'll knock the other one off too. They take showers and enjoy having their showers in there. And then we play the Harry Potter Monopoly. I get wrecked. Like I get absolutely destroyed. I straight up go bankrupt to my daughter. But nobody gets like a really good three of a kind or anything. It's kind of a standoff. So my daughter ends up winning. Then we go to bed. I get the kids dinner, like strawberries. My son eats almost an entire cantaloupe. My daughter has a few strawberries. She was already pretty full. Then we go to bed. I've got the bedroom set up really nice. They love it. They got their two twin beds and then the nightstands between them, then the king bed right there. And it's really, really cozy. And I have a nice cry with them a couple of times. I'm like, man.
You know, I live here mainly because of them. I'm so grateful out of all these people who can't love me properly. Out of all these women I try and ask out and offer a relationship to, you know, that don't fucking text me back or that send cold ass text messages that are way overly professional. You know, after all, my ex-wife wanting to divorce me, which, you know, I was there too. It's like the kids really love me properly, and I really appreciate that. We have such a nice night together. I have a good cry falling asleep with them and snuggling them. And the sound machine app that's like 11 years old actually manages to work on my iPhone, which is really nice because it wouldn't work before. So I turned the sound machine on for them, and they're ready to go to bed at 9:30, and I just go to bed with them because I'm like, you know what, I'll just take this time to meditate if I'm up. Sleep extra, and it's great.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.