While I was live, a viewer sent in a message saying that I shouldn't talk about being lonely. The message said my goofiness and carefree obliviousness are endearing, but that I shouldn't act too seriously, and that talking about being lonely is off-putting. I disagree. I think it's really important that we talk about being lonely, because there are a lot of lonely people. I'd say there's probably a record number of people on earth right now who are really lonely. I just made a video saying I was so lonely that it was actually hard to connect with somebody. And all the people who are ending things in their lives: you don't do that from a place of feeling connected with other people. You do that from a place of being super lonely.
Loneliness sits at the core of so many other problems
To me, loneliness is at the core of so many other problems, like addictions and alcoholism. Why do you think I got into alcoholism? First I was having fun, but I became an alcoholic because of being lonely. I think it's really important we talk about being lonely because if we don't know what we need help with, it can be very hard to help each other. For example, if I need help moving, or if I need help with my debt. I have $220,000 in debt, and while I was live someone sent in twenty gift memberships, which knocked the debt down by $100 right there, and I really appreciate it.
A lady in an AA meeting shared something one day that I love. She said, "I know people want to help me, but it's up to me to tell people what help I need. I can't expect people to come over to my house and move my furniture and load it into a truck if I don't tell people I need help moving."
So that's how I look at loneliness. I've been struggling the last week with loneliness, and I've been struggling this whole year to connect with people. And it's not for a lack of people. I see people, I meet people, I have conversations all the time, but I'm struggling to have a heartfelt connection with someone. Dating especially has been brutal, where I feel like I feel something and she doesn't, or she feels something and I don't. But even with guys, I've been struggling to feel like, "Oh man, this is a dude I'd like to hang out with." Maybe I expect too much, like I should just fall in love with this new brother I just met.
Why another Mr. Beast video won't fix it
If you're lonely, the easy move is to just watch another Mr. Beast video. I was about to start watching one. I watched the first two minutes of his new video about eating everything in a grocery store to win a million dollars. Thankfully, I had the self-awareness to realize: you need to get on your live stream and talk with people, and then you're going to feel better. You're not going to feel better overall if you sit there and watch that Mr. Beast video. Yes, you might be distracted while the video's on, but as soon as it's off, like that Eminem song, when the music stops, you're back to being lonely. And you're probably more lonely than you were before.
A viewer pointed out that you can't listen to everything, and that's right. Some people mess with you, but ideally the people messing with you will inspire you.
One reason dating has become tough is that there are lots of people who are so lonely that dating seems like the easiest way out of loneliness. Men often attach a lot of emotions to it, and men are very vulnerable to being lonely after a breakup, more so than women, because women tend to have stronger friend groups than men. As men, it's up to us. It's important that we start making the best connections we can.
I can't be un-lonely by myself
What's frustrating, when I feel so lonely that I can barely connect with someone, is that I need to fix this, but I need other people to do it. I can't be un-lonely by myself. I need to put myself in a position where I can connect with other people, and the downside is that sometimes it's not even obvious where I can do that.
For example, I've been to something like a thousand yoga classes in the last few years. Yoga is my joy, and yet yoga has been a place where I've struggled to connect with people. I've been going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings for 12 years, and I made some amazing connections in AA, especially in the first five years. Over the first ten years, I consistently made friendships with men and women that I cared about and went and did stuff with. In this last year, though, I've been struggling to connect with people at Alcoholics Anonymous. I've had way too many people criticizing me, gossiping about me, and people who were close pulling back because they didn't like something I said and got angry. The women at AA overall have been shockingly cold. When I was married, the women used to be much more friendly. Since I've been single, the women have been like a bucket of cold water with me. I've gotten to the point where I often don't even want to talk to them in the first place, so now I've gotten cold with the women at AA too, right when I probably need to connect, and right when I'm capable of connecting with them more than ever.
If we don't talk about how we're lonely, we can't get feedback. So I talked to my friend Lindsay and told her, "I'm lonely. I want to go somewhere. I want community." She gave me concrete recommendations for two things I could do, which I'm not going to mention publicly so that people don't sabotage them. But it's up to me to go put myself in a position to have connection. We certainly can help each other feel a little bit better; live streaming with all of you helps me feel a little better. And it is up to me to at least do what I can to get myself in the best mood I can to connect with others. The challenge is that the more lonely I feel, the harder it is to connect with other human beings.
The strip club, speed dating, and the cost of desperation
The only benefit is that at a certain level of loneliness, I'll get desperate enough to try new things. I went to the strip club the other night and got lots of attention from women there, and then I added to my debt. Tonight I was thinking I could go to the strip club again, but I'm not feeling that connection tonight. I want to connect with my audience. And I don't want to start depending on the strip club as the place where I build community and connection, because with two hundred some thousand dollars in debt, I don't think that's affordable. But I can see that the reason I went to the strip club is that I was lonely. I didn't want to sit at home alone on a Saturday night. I wanted to go out, and I don't even know where I can go to meet women on a Saturday night. A lot of times I go to speed dating and leave feeling more lonely, like, wow, I just tried to connect with 20 women and failed.
I think it's very important that we talk about how lonely we are. The problem is that lots of times, when you do start trying to open up, people immediately start acting like they're a doctor of something, diagnosing you and telling you what's wrong with you. Often we do get hurt when we're vulnerable. So the fewer connections you have, the trickier it gets, because you have to be careful. I'll just say whatever online, but if you're lonely, you can often struggle to find the people you can really open up to.
If you're lonely and you can't find anybody to talk to, I'm a bit like the women at the club: if you've got money and need somebody to talk to right away, I'm available, and you can schedule a call with me. Ideally, I'll help you in the short term, but what you really want is to find people you can connect with for free as much as possible.
Some magic would happen if we got honest
I'm glad I opened up on this entire live stream in front of whoever was watching about how lonely I've been this whole week. I've been lonely to the point where it's hard to even start a conversation with somebody, because I'm already figuring it's not going to lead anywhere, so why bother? I think this is going to be a much better world if we get honest about what we're struggling with and tell everybody, because then people know how to help us. There are so many lonely people who aren't talking about it and are just turning to alcohol, drugs, medication, and addictions. If people would just say, "I'm so lonely, I don't want to be alone on Saturday night," I think a lot of times some magic would happen. I share more nights like this one in my Daily Vlogs playlist.
I wish there were a lonely woman walking around who said that. The honest problem is, would I find her attractive or not? There was a woman at an AA meeting one night who was lonely, and she was about 100 pounds overweight, and she was literally trying to hang out with me, asking what my friend and I were doing after the meeting. I was just thinking, man, I wish you weren't 100 pounds overweight. So maybe I'm lonely because that's how I am, and I'll just own that. Well, this wrapped up on a nice note, didn't it?