This is my journal entry from December 29, 2025 — my real, unedited day, shared just as it happened.
I went to my yoga studio today and there are literally four of us from AA there. It felt like a fucking AA meeting. The girl that was there from yesterday, who I thought about — I tried to get her phone number from her sister. And I'm feeling pretty defeated about my dating today. And I think the thing to do is to just really do a third step in AA on this. Just focus on showing up in my life, hanging out, paying attention, and not trying to make things happen all the time. So that's what I'm doing. We do a nice yoga today. There's a cute girl who puts her mat down next to me, which is funny because I really stared at her while she was walking up. She still put her mat down next to me. I'm like, all right, that's cool. She gets up and doesn't seem interested. And I'm like, fuck, I just can't stop not doing anything.
After yoga, I get ready to go home for my massage, which is at 2 p.m. So I head back from yoga, shower, clean up, and then I go to see a friend for a massage at her place, which is great because it's a trade for her book. The part she's at with her book right now, she's working on getting everything set up so she can get her book published. It's almost done. Which the crazy thing is, most people seem to really struggle the hardest with getting the actual fucker published once it's nearly done. So I'm working patiently through it as she gets the cover designed herself, gets it submitted. We're so close. I think she's got the cover done by then in the massage. I talked to her about my dating and stuff and am enjoying hearing her experience and her thoughts. Her story especially, which she's calling the Queendom Quest, describes her journey towards finding the guy she's with now.
And especially after talking to the dude last night, I have a very clear idea of what I want. And I'm listening to Tucker Max and also trying to get honest. Because he talks about, in his Cancun stories I was listening to today, how the turning point for him was getting honest and being real about exactly what he wanted — that he just wanted to party and have fun. And once he started to get honest about that, then it made it so much easier, instead of trying to act like that wasn't what he was doing. And I'm like, well, what is honest for me? What do I really want? Like, I really want a life partner. I've been with my share of women in my life, but I don't need to sleep around. In fact, I think that'd be kind of distracting, because every relationship is going to have maintenance and issues, and she's going to want my attention. And what happens when I get hung up on one that isn't hung up on me, or vice versa? A woman I had been seeing was already annoying and made it clear. It's like, sure, would I like some hotter girl to spend time with? That might be fun, but what I really want is another wife and kids.
Like, that's what I really want. I want a girl that I love hanging out with and I want to do everything with. I don't just want some casual hookup that comes over and leaves. I mean, that could be better than nothing. But the thing is, having that also could get in the way, be distracting, reduce my openness to the kind of woman I really want — one that really wants a life partner, a marriage, a husband, and family. So I'm letting go of demanding that it come in a certain way.
I'm thinking today about writing a sobriety book too. I do some research in the morning on ChatGPT to figure out what sobriety book I could write. I was thinking of writing something on automatic sobriety. I went to the AA meeting this morning, and one of the girls I asked to do something is there, and she waves at me enthusiastically, but it still feels awkward. I end up talking to my sponsor because he's there, and several other people, and it feels good. I talked to my sponsor for quite a while after the meeting, which was nice. I went straight from the yoga studio to the AA meeting, then back home to shower, eat, listen to Tucker Max, and go to my massage.
As I go through the massage with my friend, I reflect how the friendship I have with her is reflective of — you know, there was something more there. There was some kind of energy there. The process of her and me coming together, it feels very intertwined, where she was thinking how nice it'd be to have a client like me, where I, instead of just continuing at the massage place I was going to, thought to look for an independent therapist, which was not something I usually did. And then I found her and I found another therapist. I scheduled with both of them. I liked the other one better at first. And it was frustrating, because I felt like there was this potential there that wasn't being realized, because at the time she had a container of massage where she kind of expected this massage to be mostly quiet, and therefore it was hard to talk. And I expected the massage needed to be mostly talking. So I had a couple of massages with her. Didn't think it was anything special.
And then I could tell when I left that she was hoping I'd come back, but I didn't plan on coming back. And yet I kept thinking of her. And as soon as the other girl was not available for a massage anymore, I went right back to her. And then we've developed a nice friendship and had so many great conversations, some of which I detailed in my Author in St. Petersburg book. And it's been awesome. She's connected me to a local spiritual community. And she's on the same page with me about canceling my membership. She understands how I feel. And she mainly goes to support her partner, who plays in the band. And he's there to try and promote his music. And I feel really understood. And I'm like, you know, I want that kind of thing to happen with whoever I'm going to date. To build a friendship or build some chemistry or whatever that is. If you want to build real friendships and connection like that, I'd love for you to join the Jerry Banfield Family and grow with us.
And I need to be clear about that in my intention so I know what I'm doing. Because if I'm just trying to get girls' numbers and then kind of hope they're my life partner, or maybe hook up and it's okay if they're not, then I'm getting my intentions screwed up. My sponsor thinks I shouldn't be so specific about what I want. Like, I want a woman who's attractive, who lives a sober lifestyle, who's super fun to hang out with, who wants kids and loves sex. And he's like, well, you're really asking for a lot. I'm like, that's what the fuck I want. So why wouldn't I ask for it? Sure, could I potentially compromise on a little bit of it here and there? Maybe. But as I've seen with my ex, it was compromise that was the key to the downfall of the relationship. We had such a fantastic relationship as long as we both felt like we were getting exactly what we wanted. But when we stopped both feeling like the relationship was the best deal for us, the passion that we had started to slip away. And I'm so glad we got divorced and are still friends. She just texted me while I was dictating this.
After going to see my friend, I'm grateful I'm super relaxed as usual, and I go to tour a co-working space downtown. It's a co-working space, and I'm thinking that maybe I want a space to have events in, or to have a little office, or somewhere I could set up and sell my books. I go in, and I get the tour, and the lady who gives me the tour is not very friendly about my books. She starts using language like, oh, we try and protect our members from getting sold to. Like, this is over right now, and I know it. Don't tell me, you know, feel like I'm some kind of threat because I got fucking books to sell that could be useful to somebody. And I get all pissed off, but I try and keep a straight face. I'm like, fuck this, I'm out of here. But she gives me a tour. I look around. I'm like, this is cool. It's the last time I'll probably be in here. And then I walk out, and I'm like, well, at least I know now I definitely don't want a co-working space. Check that off of things I might want. Don't want that. Great.
Head back home, and the kids come over. The kids hang out at my house. We play Harry Potter Monopoly. Even though my daughter gets the rumor requirement, I steal it from her. Then my son steals a property from me and gets a three of a kind, steals another property from my daughter and gets another three of a kind. And my daughter just plays and has a good attitude while my son and I bulldoze over her, and my son eventually wrecks me with his two three-of-a-kinds, bringing the cash in.
Then they ride their scooters a bit. My son is driving around his monster truck out in the front yard in the road, and he's kicking the shit out of it, too. Like, kicking it and making it flip over. One of the shocks breaks off. And I suggest that he might want to take care of it if he doesn't want it to break. But at the same time, it's his fucking toy. He ends up scraping his shin, kicking it one time, and then stops after that. We go down the street, and I drop him off with my ex-wife, pet the dogs. And then head back home.
My mom texts me some little short message. Like it says, hi, Jerry, we're thinking of you. Hope you're doing well. Love you. Cause I didn't talk to her yesterday. So I said, thanks mom. Everything's going good. I love you too. Cause I'm like, I just need some space from her right now. Like I need to set some new boundaries.
I think the new boundaries are going to be that I'm not going over to my mother's house as much anymore, because there's pill bottles all over the place, and all kinds of ultra processed junk food all over the house. And then she's a hoarder. So there's all kinds of shit everywhere. Like she has to clean off a space from the couch for me to even sit down on. Damn near every other surface area is covered. There's bookshelves, like there's whole rooms filled up you can't even do anything in. And then screens are the main thing to do. The kids have gotten in the habit of going over there and just watching Winnie the Pooh while they eat a whole bunch of, you know, chocolate chip ice cream sandwiches and popsicles and fucking Smarties.
I'm like, this — it's not as bad, but it'd be like if I took my kids out to the bar. Like if my ex-wife and I drank and we just took the kids out to the bar to hang out. Everybody was smoking cigarettes and shooting pool and swearing. And then the kids got a bunch of bar food to eat while they were there. Now, the kids wouldn't be drinking, but at the same time, are they in a good environment? Where there's people smoking and drinking, abusing their bodies. My mom's house is not a good environment. And the people you hang out with and the environment you hang out in have an effect on you. So obviously if I hang out at my mom's house, it's going to be harder for me to resist my own temptations, right?
I don't want to be unhealthy and overweight again. I don't want to be one of those ever again. But if I hang out at my mom's house — the fattest I've gotten in the last few years, I got up to 180 pounds, maybe 185, because I was sitting in my mom's house having popcorn and ice cream sandwiches every night. And then sometimes I'd have candy also. Now, since I eat a whole plant, I couldn't overeat that much. But if I'd have kept doing that, I could easily be 190 or 200 right now, despite the rest of my nice lifestyle. It's like that shit has to stop. So I know I just am not going to be able to cut my mother off. But minimizing interactions with her is a great idea. Hanging out with her at my house, or going to Crescent Lake Park to walk — that's going to be a better idea. So we're going to do that. If you're working through a hard boundary with someone you love, I'd be glad to talk it through with you on a private Zoom call.
After walking back to my place at like seven, I'm a little lonely. A little lonely, hanging out, like — how'd I get here? There's nobody up in here. Fuck. And I'm tired. My friend did a nice massage. I'm like, I'm just kind of tired. So I end up just cleaning up around the house and I finished my laundry and shit. Now I'm laying in bed. It's like eight. I'm like, fuck, I should just shower and go to bed. Fuck it. So that's what I did. Got in the shower and I was in bed at 8.40. I'm like, fuck it. We'll just catch up on a nice night of sleep.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.