This is my journal entry from January 15, 2026 — my real, unedited day, shared just as it happened.
This morning, I wake up without the kids here, and I jump straight into work. Actually, I write a letter to my family friends, as this is one of those little nagging things I've been meaning to do. They've known me since I was two or three years old, and they wrote a letter recently, but they don't know that my ex-wife and I are divorced yet, and I want to update them. So I dictate a letter to them. That's around 30 minutes. Put it through ChatGPT. It ends up being about six pages. I print it all out, address it to them and put them in the mail. That feels really good, even though it takes a little over an hour to do all that. It feels really important that I do this. This is a key connection in my life. And this is a very meaningful letter that I'm sending out to someone. It'll make a big difference for them receiving it. And it's often those little things like that on our to-do lists that make us feel like we're overwhelmed and we have too many things to do.
Once I get that done, then I jump into preparing my work. I also, on Spotify, start listening to Dr. Michael Salla again, and he has this guest talking about, you know, conspiracies, disclosure, 3I/ATLAS, and all that stuff. I do miss listening to some of those episodes, which are one of the few things I miss listening to on YouTube. At the same time, though, I listened to this episode, and this guy has a lot of great things to say, but my mind is often like, this guy's so full of shit. But he does address how the love and light people are often fake and, you know, the exact opposite of that, which definitely vibes with a local spiritual community I used to go to. The love and light shit often rubs me the wrong way. It's like, oh, love and light. And it's like, yeah, you're being an asshole. Love and light.
After that, I head to the AA meeting. I sit next to one of the moms there that also goes to my kid's school, who's been friendly with me. And the new girl that I saw at the gym and that I saw at the meeting, she's attractive, but what a fucking mess. She's still smoking marijuana before she goes to sleep at night. And I'm torn, but I'm choosing to keep my distance. So today we're going with as far away as possible.
I walk out about 15 minutes early. I get to my yoga studio just in time. I try putting out all my loving vibes and all that shit that originally got a woman I had a crush on to pay attention to me at a yoga studio. And got that girl at AA to notice me a few years ago. But nothing's working today. I end up going home without hardly even talking to anyone again. But I did get a hell of a workout. That power yoga fucked me up. Like, Jesus.
Right when I get my phone after yoga, there's a message from a woman I had been seeing. It's another one with a couple of paragraphs, starting off saying, I hope you're doing well and you're enjoying some of this cooler weather. Great. Sure. Bring the weather up. And then she asked me a question about some online business stuff we'd worked on. So I sit on that and think for a little over an hour. I drive home and I'm like, why is she texting me like this? Like, this seems like little shit. This is twice now in the last week she's texted me when, you know, she did not respond to my message for weeks. And then all of a sudden she messages me about the business stuff, although there's like politeness in there as well. The last message I'd sent her was just a flat one sentence. So I think, why is she just trying to get my attention here, or is she nitpicking her business right now? And I'm figuring, well, maybe she wants some attention from me. Maybe she does want me to reach out.
So after thinking for an hour and showering, I send her this message. I would love to schedule another massage with you and then we can go into more detail about your online setup. I haven't ever actually directly paid you for a massage either. I'd like to pay for this one. Let me know when you're available. So do you think I get a response back to that for the whole day? No. Fuck. I feel really emotional after sending it. I'm excited to send this message and my fantasy starts going off thinking how she and I could be great together, because I really like her. Now she's obviously got some significant issues as well. But out of all the women I know, she is definitely top five, maybe number one, out of women that I think would be great to date. Maybe that means I need to meet more women, or maybe it means she needs to open her heart to me, or I need to move on. But I'm fucking devastated. Why can't she just respond back to me and be like, here's my schedule, we'd love to see you. Why is it not that simple? Well, maybe she's got some kind of drama going on in her life as it seems like she always has, and maybe she's not that good to date because of that.
After messaging her and having a big salad and listening to the guest jerk me around about three admirals coming to rescue us and all that shit, which I certainly hope is true, then I drive to pick the kids up from school. I talk to my sponsor on the way there, and we head home. It's cold today. So I take them out to the park in jackets and we kick the footballs and soccer ball around. My son can really kick. Like my son's kicks are damn near as good as mine. Like his soccer game's going great. We go to the playground for a little bit and swing on the swing. There's a very pretty mother there with her child. I chat her up a little bit. Then there's a dad that can throw the hell out of a football to his son. And I chat them up too. I say bye to the pretty mom and I think, damn, where's one of these moms for me to build a great life and have some more kids with? I didn't feel, just talking to this mom a little bit, that there was much energy there. But I'm throwing out feelers all the time. I'm fishing, and there's some fish I'm going to be happy to reel in.
Now my mind's being so toxic about a woman I dated briefly. Really, she just wasn't someone I was drawn to, and honestly my own personality can be just as much of a mess. Oh, Jerry, you want to talk about a fucked up personality? Let's look at you. Ooh. All right, moving right along. Get the kids home, play, have fun with them. We get mousetrap set up. And I missed the mousetrap the way they did it when I was a kid, although this one I think actually is better. We get it set up, we manage to play one game, then my ex-wife gets here. She picks my son up, and it's hard seeing her sometimes because it feels like there's just the contrast between how close we used to be and feeling so distant from her now. It's dramatic.
I take my daughter to piano, and managed to be one of those drivers that's just fucking everything up, making a right and getting in the wrong lanes. These other guys are fucking dicks and not paying attention. But at least I didn't get into an accident. I tell the kids how I avoided an accident, which I'm really grateful I avoided. On the way home from yoga, my light goes green. It stays green, as you'd expect, and after a second or two, I didn't zoom out of this light. I just took it slow. I started slowly stepping on the gas, and then I look to my right, and I see this white car hauling ass. Like, for some reason, I just read that there's no fucking way this guy's stopping. So I literally go a few car lengths into the intersection. I stop because I'm like, this fucker's not stopping. And then the car to my left, I think I helped them avoid the accident too. Because when a car suddenly slams on its brakes and stops, if you're paying attention, you'll be wondering, what the fuck is this guy doing? So I slam on my brakes and stop. This dude coming from the right side of me hauls ass and runs the shit out of the red light. He very nearly smacks the shit out of the car to the front left of me. But they just miss each other by a few feet. And I think me stopping like that helped this guy pay attention and react faster and stop himself in order to evade the accident. That's the closest I've seen an accident happening in a while.
I also felt like I'm glad I was paying attention. If I'd have been fucking around not paying attention, I might have got, I think they call that T-boned, at like 40 miles an hour, and fuck that. Although if I would have gassed it and flown straight out of the intersection, I'd have probably missed it as well. But I tell the kids, recounting how grateful I am at how many accidents like that I've avoided throughout my entire life. And that's why I have my car insurance set to legal minimums because, you know what, I'll count on myself to avoid shit like that.
After I take my daughter to piano, I sit there and work on editing my books. Then we go to the hardware store. And we get a stepladder and a new plunger, because the last plunger, every time you push it down it sticks, so you have to pull the side out. So I throw that old fucker out. We got a nice new plunger and shove that shit down right. And I'm just sad as hell today. I am sad as hell. The longer the woman I had been seeing doesn't respond, I'm like, God damn it. Every time I feel something, she can't reciprocate either. Can I stop doing this? Like, stop feeling anything for these women. Like, just be OK being by yourself. Fuck it. Don't feel anything for anybody. But I get excited. And then another disappointment. I'm like, how many of these can I fucking take?
With that in mind, while I'm at my daughter's piano, I text a woman from AA who asked me to speak. I said I enjoyed speaking last night and appreciate the opportunity. I'd love to meet up with you at this coffee shop near her house tomorrow at 5 or Saturday at noon. Do you think she responds to me either? No. Fuck me, man. I'm like, should I just stop asking women out? Or do I just need to persist until the right woman comes along and actually appreciates this shit? But I'm getting so sad by the end of the night. I'm like, I'm so fucking sick of this. Like, why are people so isolated? And maybe it's time to stop generalizing. Like, maybe it's just this particular person that doesn't have anything to do with me. You know, the woman I had been seeing and the shit going on in her life doesn't have anything to do with me. And maybe one day I'll come across a woman who's not so fucked up, or that is just fucked up in the right way that complements me. Whatever it is, I am interested to find out.
But I just keep spiraling, getting sadder and sadder. And I'm like, God damn, this is annoying. You can't even just meet up and have a conversation. You can't even respond to a goddamn text message, not even to say no. At least with a woman I dated briefly, I had the decency to be like, look, this is over. Fuck. I am the way I say I am. If I wasn't, then why would I say I am? Fuck. The kids console me. And after my son gets home from hanging out with my ex-wife, then we get homework done. They decide they want to take showers. And I boil noodles twice for them. They eat this whole thing of plant-based noodles and I have some too. Then I make another one for their lunch boxes. We're in bed by nine o'clock and I have a good cry before bed. I've got 10 hours to sleep and I'm like, you know what? Maybe I'll figure something out.
As I'm falling asleep, I imagine I'm talking with whoever's going to be wife number two and that we're both actually going to be excited for each other. And she says, I'm not ready for you yet. I'm like, what the fuck? Why not? I am ready. I'm absolutely ready. What the fuck do I need to do to be ready? And she says that I need to be okay being by myself. And I'm like, that's fucking stupid. The more okay I am by myself, the more I'm not going to need or have interest in somebody else. Like that's what I see happening. People do get comfortable being by themselves and then they don't need anybody else. So then they miss out on all this joy of being with somebody else because they don't have much of a need. They just settle, or their sexuality's dead, and they just go to fucking work and hang out with their family and go to AA meetings or yoga or whatever it is they do and then scroll on their goddamn phone instead of having a real connection with someone, or play a bunch of video games or drink or do drugs, and they don't really need anybody anymore because they're a fucking dead-ass zombie. Maybe I'm not ready for somebody yet, but I contend that I am. I'm ready for an amazing woman. I don't want someone who isn't an amazing woman. I want a woman that's on my level. Are there any of them out there?
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.