The Advice That Makes You Mad
Truth feels like pain before it feels like freedom. Often the exact advice that makes you mad, the person that offends you, the lesson that you don't want is the path forward. Often your ego will fight the truth that will save you. We often need the exact things in our lives that we're fighting and pushing away to transform us into what exactly we want to become. Let me give you a clear example of this.
When Everyone Was Pissing Me Off
When I was in the middle of my active alcoholism a little over 12 years ago, people consistently told me, you need to stop drinking, that you need to find God, you need to change your life. I remember this one girl I was dating yelling at me while she was sitting on the bed, she's like, you need to stop drinking. I remember my father telling me that I abused alcohol. My ex, now ex, but at the time wife said she wasn't going to keep staying around the house while I drank anymore. My Xbox friends started showing offline. And at the time, everybody was fucking pissing me off so bad.
I'm like, come on, man. Why won't my wife tolerate my drinking? I'm not that bad. I don't go out to the bars. I just sit at home and drink and yell at the TV and play video games. I, what the fuck's up with my friends? Like what assholes that they're hiding offline, trying to, all playing in secret without me. Like at the time, everybody was offending me and pissing me off. But. Then it finally sunk in. It's like, maybe they're right. Maybe I do need to change. Maybe I should stop drinking. Maybe my life would be better. And on some level, I knew that. And today I'm often the one that's delivering that kind of offense to people.
I dig into a lot more of these turning points across my Life playlist.
And I'm grateful that I know this today. And what's crazy is our world. We often tell each other what we think the person wants to hear, what will be the least amount of friction in the short term. But often what's most loving is to tell someone that which they don't want to hear, that which they are offended by. I'll give you another example.
The Bullying That Built My Trainer
A recent personal trainer I had, he get big jacked shoulders, little thin waist, the kind of body like women are just like picking him up at the gym. He said, do you picture me being fat in like great, middle school? I'm like, no, I wouldn't. I wouldn't have thought that. He's like, oh yeah, I used to be fat. And I'm like, what happened? He's like, kids bullied me. Kids walked up to me and like, you're a fucking fat ass. And he's like, that happened over and over again. And it motivated me to change. It motivated me to say, fuck those kids. I'm going to start working out.
I'm going to get in shape. And nobody's going to call me a fat ass again. It motivated him. Now, yes, I'm not in favor of bullying or harassing or being nasty to people, which to me is repeatedly bludgeoning someone with the truth. If I tell someone they're fat once, that could be loving and truthful and honest. I tell someone they're fat every day. That's nasty. That's harassment.
Why Dishonesty Sells
But we need truth in life. And the challenges were in this ecosystem of capitalism, where often profits and dishonesty go together. That if you can stay fucked up and broken and fat and sick and nearly dead, it can be easy to sell you a whole bunch of shit. But when you get ultra healthy, like me, when you're loving and proud of your body, then you're not going to sell me plastic surgery. You're not going to sell me a diet program because I eat whole plant based, buying organic fucking fruits and vegetables in the grocery aisle of the store and eating beans. I take great care of myself.
So I don't need, I don't carry health insurance because I'm not paying into that shit when I take care of myself. Instead, I'm going to massage in 30 minutes. I'll pay for a massage to take care of my body. There's a whole lot of things you can't sell me because I'm not going to sell you a whole bunch of shit. I'm healthy and strong, but I had to look at the truth. You can't handle the truth. I had to look at the truth that when I got sober, I then faced the truth that I'm a fucking fat ass. I was 250 pounds at five foot 11 when I got sober and getting sober only lost like 20 or 30 pounds.
Facing that number was the start of a much bigger transformation, which I tell the whole story of in How I Lost 80 Pounds and Transformed My Health (Full Story).
I'm like, damn it. Like I faced the truth and it's nice when you can figure it out yourself. Sometimes we need other people to help tell us the truth and sometimes it's the people who offend us that drive us crazy. That are pointing at something we need to look at inside and I'm often the person now that offends other people at AA meetings. I often offend people with the shit I say because I'm too direct and the truth is scary. If there's a truth you've been circling but can't quite say out loud yet, you can join Jerry Banfield Family and we'll talk through it honestly together on a weekly call.
Being Rigorously Honest About My Marriage
Part of the reason I got divorced last year is because I was honest with my wife's family about the exact nature of our marriage at that time and they helped support her getting a divorce. Back when I was drinking into that, in 2014, they encouraged her to stay with me and don't give up on him because they couldn't see how bad it really was. But when I wrote letters to my now ex's family members and was rigorously honest about the state of our marriage and from a lot of people's point of view, our marriage wasn't that bad. We were still having sex. We were still mostly cooperative.
We were still, from the outside, you'd have thought our life was going just fine, if not fantastic. I remember the week before, we decided to get divorced. I told my then wife that I thought we had the best relationship on anybody we know. And she offended me when she said, no, I think my sister and her boyfriend have the best relationship. I'm like, that's fucking bullshit. Like, no way. But now I see it. They had the kind of relationship she was looking for. Something, more lighthearted. More, she wants a guy more like her sister's boy. Then like me, a guy with the regular ass job that's not fucking full of energy like this and famous online and doing his own business and talking about a shelf and wearing shirts with his fucking name on it and wanting more kids.
And my wife pissed me off when she said that. And she pissed me off when she said my book sucked. I've written 35 books on Amazon. My wife and her sister are both like, I used to sell, I gave a book to a friend of my wife's, my ex's sister. And she's like, you should throw that book out. And that pissed me off too. And everybody was just pissing me off for a while. But then I realized I need to do what I'm good at. Like writing is not what I'm good at. I've written books that have drawn reactions from people that have been rigorously honest, that have helped people.
But I'm really good at videos. Like lots of people can write. Not many people can do the level of videos that I can do. That's why I've gotten over a billion views online with my videos. It might not look good. It might not look like it based on these new channels and me having deleted all my shit last year. But the truth, the things other people say, if it offends you, there's something to investigate. Because here's the thing. When people come along and say, you fucking suck at doing videos. That doesn't offend me. Because I know I'm awesome at doing videos. It takes a special person or a person with a lot of experience to be able to come up to a microphone in a house by myself and bring this level of performance.
In a room by myself to three to six videos every day. Seven days a week. That is not something most people can do. But I can do it. So when someone comes along like, your videos suck. I'm not offended. Because first, I recognize that my videos aren't for everybody. I get that. But second, I know how good my videos are. I know I've made millions of dollars. Millions of dollars on my videos. I know my videos are amazing. Because I have people that are nuts for my videos. That'll watch me fucking play video games on Jerry Banfield Gaming. They will just watch me play as many video games I want to play.
And I love that. If you want to watch and hang out live, come pop in on Jerry Banfield Gaming. This is the fifth gaming channel. This is my final answer for a gaming channel. All right? Okay? I know my videos are amazing. So when somebody comes along and criticizes my videos, it bores me. It bounces off me. I'm like, thanks for your opinion. Not that I fucking asked for it. But I don't care if you don't like my videos. Because I love my videos.
Why Criticism of My Videos Bounces Off
What offends us is usually the things we're not looking at. When people used to criticize my videos, I did get offended. Because somewhere deep down, I'm like, oh, you're right. My videos aren't that good. Other people make better videos. Like, no. For Jerry Banfield people, for people who need to hear the truth, my videos, there's just no substitute for my videos. Like, the best part about being me is I get to watch all my own videos. And I get to be here for the creation of them. I have fans that, like, if I don't create videos, like, they don't hardly have anybody else they watch.
I love that. That is special. Let me give you another example of when the truth was.. This is.. All right.
The Catfish and Leading With the Truth
So I did a video about this on my Jerry Banfield channel earlier. But I have a new dating channel. So I have a new dating channel where I'm putting up my dating content now. But I did a video before that on this channel talking about.. Where this girl catfished me. Where she didn't look like her profile picture. So it's called.. She didn't look like her profile.. Dating profile and it really hurt. And this girl, she said she knew me in real life. But I couldn't hardly remember where from. But then.. And she told me where from and I still couldn't remember. But she had these beautiful pictures.
I'm like, I don't know this girl. And my brain kept giving me this face that, like, looked like she'd put on, like, 30, 40, 50 pounds since these pictures and had, a rough time. In her life. Like, it wasn't just weight. It was also, mileage, if you will. I'm just being real and honest here. I'm not trying to put anybody down. This is my experience. And this is not objective. This is my experience. So I met her in person. And I told her the truth. I'm like, this is fucked up what you did. She's like, no. My friends made this profile. I put on, like, 10 pounds.
I'm like, no. What you presented in that dating profile was dishonest. Who you are now, what you look like now, versus a dating profile you put up are drastically different. And she's like, is everything okay? Because I was just trying not to say it. Can you picture me trying not to say this when this is how I talk? Can you picture me trying not to say this? And then I said it. And I unloaded on it. You know what's fucked up? She's, I was, so I deleted my Hinge profile after getting catfished by her. And then going out with a girl who didn't like my YouTube channel.
So now, so I deleted my profile. I'm like, ah, fuck online dating. But then, but then I put it, then I put my profile back up. I'm like what I need to do? I need to be brutally and rigorously honest on my dating profile. So this last video, I just went through my Hinge profile. And you'll see exactly how rigorously honest I am on my real Hinge profile. So I deleted my old profile, waited, I don't know, maybe a month. And I put up a new Hinge profile. Guess who's, guess who's still out there tricking on her Hinge profile. And she is active today. It's still active today.
She's still tricking on this profile. She is still, still tricking on this Hinge profile. She still has the same pictures up. She still is tricking guys with this Hinge profile. But you know what? I feel good that I told her the truth. And I appreciate when women tell me their truth, even if it is like, hey, I don't want to, I don't want to be a part of your next dating video. I don't want to go out with you and be a part of your next dating video. I'm like, good. Don't go out with me because my life is public. I've, I've been famous online.
I've went viral. People have talked about me. Celebrities talked about me. Big streamers, all that. I've been there. I've got, millions of people listening to my fucking music, which, my music is just wild. I, I was famous on Facebook gaming. I was a top partner. Like, I'm not going to go away. I'm not going to hide myself because you don't like that I'm a YouTuber. So I lead with the truth now. And when people are repulsed by it, good. Because I want to be surrounded by people who love what I've got to offer. And when you respect who you are, you won't be offended.
Laughing in the Face of Offense
People are, as somebody who's, several people were offended at my last Alcoholics Anonymous speaker meeting. I went and delivered. So the first two people, and I love both of them. I'm so grateful they're sober, but their talks, I'm a good listener. That's why I could listen to them. In other people's words, they were boring. They were putting people to sleep. There wasn't much activity. And that's okay. That's a lot of AA speakers. That's normal. Now your boy stands up and then drops 15 minutes in this style. But I swore more than this. I told stories of like how I almost cheated with this girl at yoga and talked to my sponsor about it and how he was concerned that if I cheated, I might drink.
So these were very raw, real deep sobriety stories. And I had that room fucked up. There were people belly laughing, like bending over. And one girl though, got all triggered and walked out of the room. And then some dude that I could have told you he was going to leave, he got up and left too to try and talk to her to get attention from her. And then she bitches to people that I was swearing too much. He was cursing too much and he offended me and I'm sensitive. Oh really? You're an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. You're sensitive. What the fuck were you doing before you came in?
And then, so I, my language, according to her and other people, offended her. And other people came to me. This woman came to me saying that, well, you need to change your language. You need to think about newcomers. You know what I did? I laughed in her fucking face. It felt so good. She's like, and this girl's offended. I'm like, ha, ha. Dude, I fucking, I fucking belly laughed in her face. She's like, it's not funny. I'm like, it's so funny. You're telling me this new girl who was doing God knows what before she came into AA. Now she's offended because I cursed a little bit.
Bullshit. Look, she should be asking her sponsor to do her fucking steps and take her inventory. And then another guy came to me with the same shit and it bounced off me. I wasn't offended. I thought this shit was hilarious. Like, please, you're not going to tell me how to share because I know how to share. I know how to pull from the depths from my fucking balls and yank the energy up and blast it out of my mouth. God damn, that was graphic. I know how to pull from the root chakra and take that energy up and blast it out my mouth. I feel energy coming when I know I'm going to share.
Staying this grounded takes people around you who keep you honest, and if you want that kind of honesty, you can join Jerry Banfield Family and bring it to a weekly call.
The whole body lights up. And boom, it comes out of my mouth. And you're not going to fucking tell me how to share. See, when you are owning and comfortable in yourself, you will not let other people offend you. In fact, you will bounce their, whatever they're saying will bounce off and go right back to them. I'm not very easily offended today. And I love the attention. Like, please get upset. Please get upset at what I said and tell somebody about it. I love that shit. I love it. I wish more people to call me a fucking fat ass when I was 240 pounds. I knew it.
And the scale, the scale told me it. But I was able to go along with this delusion for years that I wasn't that fat because people didn't come right up and be like what? I don't want to go out there because you're fucking fat. But now I like it. I like the feedback because then from there, I get the truth. A lot of people are confused these days because so many people are being dishonest. You don't know what's real and what's not. I love when women are like, I don't want to go out with you because you're a YouTuber. Good. I know I shouldn't change that.
And then women are like, I don't want to go out with you because you're too honest. You're too direct. Good. I shouldn't change that. But then, if women are like, I don't want to go out with you because your hair is too short. It's like, well, fuck it. I can grow my hair out. Like by people being honest, then you can see like what things are really me that I'm going to keep no matter what. And like with alcoholism, like, I'm not going to play Xbox with you because you suck when you're drunk. It's like what? I'll get sober and then I'll carry the team when I get drunk.
I'll get sober. And that feels good. So I'm all about a world. Let's be honest with each other. Let's stop lying. Let's stop being indirect. Let's be as honest as we possibly can. I'll lead by example. I'll try and make it funny. So I hope the next time somebody offends you, you're like, oh, what am I insecure about? And instead of blaming them, you'll be like, thank you. Thank you for carrying the message to me. Because if you can be offended on a certain subject, there's something you could learn. Like politics doesn't offend me. It makes perfect sense to me. It makes perfect sense how people with a shitload of money are just doing whatever the fuck they want, saying whatever they want to, doing anything to get elected and get power.
Like seriously, I'm not offended with whatever the Republicans or Democrats are doing. This shit makes perfect sense. And if you're offended, it's because you're not understanding the world. You could level up and expand your mind to a point where it all makes perfect sense. And when it makes perfect sense, I'm not saying you'll think everything's okay. Because yeah, there's lots of fucked up things going on in this world. But how that should be channeled is you should get motivated to do something about it. So what I'm doing is I grind out videos. I make videos. And I educate. And I share. That's what I do.
Because there's a lot of dishonesty in this world. So I lead by example being rigorously honest. And I'm willing to go offend people for the purpose of helping you slash them level up, enlighten, expand, and see where you can do better. If you appreciate it, do this. This is Jerry Banfield. I make lots more videos like this for you. I moved my dating videos over onto a separate dating channel. And I've got several other channels. Join Jerry Banfield Family. Imagine getting to talk to me on the weekly live calls where I actually listen instead of talk. You can talk to me there.
You can even film a video if you want to go back and forth on something. You could book two or three of these in a row. Film a long format podcast with me. Post it on yours. Post it. I'll post it on mine if it's compliant with terms. And we can have a great time together. Ask any questions you got in the comments. Any feedback. If you fucking hate my video, feel free to let me know in the comments.