This is an excerpt from my full-life memoir, Un Fn Myself — my real story of addiction, recovery, fatherhood, and everything in between from 1984 to 2026, including the parts most people would cut out.
Toward the end of 2022, I also started a brand-new crypto channel, one that would end up taking off over the next couple of years. At the same time, something else unexpected started happening in my life. There was a girl I kept seeing at yoga. She came with her girlfriend. This girl was absolutely beautiful. She reminded me a lot of my ex-wife from ten years earlier. She had gorgeous hair. In a yoga studio already full of attractive people, she stood out immediately. Her and her girlfriend were very openly affectionate, lying next to each other, touching, kissing, doing a lot of PDA right there on their mats. I kept noticing her. Week after week, I kept seeing her at the same classes, a morning power flow class and a weekend flow class. She was not at every class, but often enough that we were clearly on similar schedules.
A few times, I put my mat right next to hers. I did not say anything. She avoided making eye contact with me. Other times, she put her mat next to mine. Still nothing was said. There was this strange, quiet proximity between us. Then one morning, during the power flow class, we ended up next to each other again. The instructor asked if anyone had any requests for poses. Without thinking, I blurted out, “Plank” to be funny. The girl immediately laughed. A few other people laughed too, but she laughed instantly and the loudest. In that moment, something clicked in my head. I thought, oh shit, she feels me. What is happening here?
As 2023 approached, I started thinking about her constantly. I did not even know her name. We had not exchanged a single word. We had barely made eye contact. And yet I was becoming obsessed. She was so beautiful, and more than that, I loved how I felt when I was around her. When I was near her, I felt like I was radiating love, admiration, and warmth. I was pouring all of this energy toward her internally without ever acting on it. There was something quietly building between us, something unspoken, something entirely energetic, and it was impossible for me to ignore.
To begin maybe our eighth or nineth class together, I walked into one of the flow classes and put my mat down right next to her. I had decided that day that if she was there, I was going to talk to her. I at least needed to know her name. This time I placed my mat to her right, with her on my left. I sat there, breathing, trying to work up the courage to say something. The moment I finally decided, right now, I am going to speak, I turned my head to the left. At the exact same moment, she turned her head to the right and started talking to me first. It felt unreal. After weeks of circling each other in silence, we both chose the same instant to break it. The intensity of that connection hit me like a drug. I felt euphoric, high, stunned. She told me her name. We started talking. From that moment on, I was completely obsessed with her and we started talking every class together.
After class, I would float for hours. Everything felt perfect. Life made sense. The future felt bright and inevitable. And then the crash would come. The high would drop out, and I would spiral. What the fuck is going on? You’re married. She has a girlfriend. Where do you think this is going? This is how people cheat. What is wrong with you? My mind ran in circles, tearing itself apart. And yet, no matter what, I made damn sure I was at both of those classes every week. She showed up to at least half of those. Some weeks we saw each other twice. Other weeks she traveled and I did not see her at all, and I missed her horribly. Every time we talked, the chemistry intensified.
I started getting to class earlier. I wanted her to put her mat next to mine instead of me always being the one moving toward her. One day, I arrived early and laid my mat down in my usual spot, front right, second row, close to the instructor. She came in, dropped her mat dramatically right next to mine, looked straight at me, and said, “I guess we’re going to make a thing of this.” I almost passed out. Inside my head, I was screaming yes, please, let’s make a thing of this. We talked before class, and I was starving to know everything about her life. At the same time, I was terrified. If this girl wanted to cross a line, I didn’t trust myself to stop it. The pull was that strong.
I was driving around listening to that song about hotel room service, the one about telling a girl to leave her boyfriend behind and meet up at the hotel. In my head, the boyfriend in the song became her girlfriend. I felt high every time I saw her, and the anticipation between classes was intoxicating. One weekend morning, I put my mat down next to hers, and she asked how I was doing. I looked at her and said, honestly, “I was wondering all morning if you’d be here.” She lit up instantly. My direct admission landed. She was turned on by it. Sometimes her girlfriend was there too. I always arrived early, so the space next to me stayed open. She could not put her mat next to her girlfriend, so she put it next to me instead, talking with me and flirting with me while her girlfriend was a few rows back. I was completely over the top about her.
Because I am committed to honesty and transparency, I started talking about her at AA a few weeks after talking to her. At first, I downplayed it. Then it became obvious how much space she was taking up in my head. I talked to my sponsor. I shared in open meetings. I said I had a crush on a girl at yoga, but it was fine. I was faithful. Nothing was happening. We were just friends. Even as I said that, another voice in my head kept repeating that I needed her phone number, that I needed to see her outside of yoga. One day she decided to stay for a five-hour workshop after class. I had plans with my family, and I almost canceled everything just to stay there with her. Looking back, that moment matters. We’ll come back to that.
Eventually, I started walking her out from class every time and I stopped seeing her girlfriend. After one intense power flow class, she looked right at me and asked, “So what’s exciting in your life?” Normally, I am someone who can answer a question like that without hesitation. I am usually very clear about what I am feeling because I’m honest. Coming from her, that question completely wrecked me. My honest answer was her. There was nothing else in my life that felt exciting compared to her. I did not care about my work, my family, or anything else in that moment the way I cared about her. I loved my ex-wife. I loved my kids. I loved making money. My ego was wrapped up in my work. But excitement was her. She was the only thing lighting me up.
I panicked. I stumbled over my words and tried to give a safe answer. I was afraid if I told her the truth about how into her I was, there would be no turning back. I said something about being excited that my ex-wife had finally come to yoga with me. It had taken me nearly a year to get my ex-wife to do a class with me at my yoga studio, even though she had gone there first and said she liked it. She almost never wanted to do classes with me, which I had been quietly resentful about for a long time. She finally went, and it felt oddly timed, almost like she sensed another woman creeping into my orbit. So I told the girl at yoga that I was excited my ex-wife had come to class with me. She smiled and said, “Oh, I’d love to meet your wife.” Inside my head, my thoughts went completely off the rails. I was imagining some improbable fantasy where everyone just merged into one big, perfect situation. You and my ex-wife should hang out. Let’s all just be together. Move in. Bring your girlfriend too. Let’s make this work somehow. The tension just kept building.
Eventually, I reached a breaking point. I started to not care about the consequences anymore. I felt like I had to get her phone number and see her outside the yoga studio. That same night, after seeing her at yoga earlier in the day, I shared something close to that in my AA meeting. After the meeting, my sponsor pulled me aside. He looked me straight in the eye and said, “Jerry, what you’re doing with this girl is dangerous. You are very close to cheating. This is going to wreck your marriage. There’s a real chance your sobriety is at risk too.” I asked him what he thought I should do. He said, “You should stop seeing her.”
I immediately pushed back. I told him that was ridiculous. We were just friends. Nothing was happening. I did not even know her last name. I did not have her phone number. He warned me again and said that if he were me, he would stop going to those yoga classes altogether. I went home and sat with that for a week. I hated it. I argued with it internally. But the truth kept surfacing. If I actually cared about my marriage, I could not keep doing this. He was right.
The next week, I saw her again. She was genuinely happy to see me. I looked at her and said, “I can’t keep coming to this yoga class. I need to spend more time with my family.” That was what I said out loud. She immediately understood what I really meant underneath it. Her face changed instantly. I saw the hurt flash across it before she tried to cover it up and push through. I had hurt her. I walked away feeling awful. I felt like shit. I kept thinking, what the fuck did I just do. This feels horrible. I took my sponsor’s suggestion. I did what I believed was the right thing. And yet everything about it hurt. I told her I would not be coming to the weekend class anymore. I did not mention that I was still going to the other class we shared. That one was my favorite. I liked the people. I liked the energy. I kept going. She stopped coming to it.
As the weeks passed without seeing her, the suffering intensified. There were weeks when she was not at class and I was absolutely wrecked. I would lie there on my mat, crushed, hoping she would walk in at the last second. When she did not, I would break down. One day, I was literally sobbing during class because she was not there. I could not believe how much pain I was in over someone I had never even dated. It felt almost out of body, like something was happening to me rather than being chosen by me. I was moving through the poses while internally falling apart. Then, in the middle of that misery, it felt like music washed over me, like the melody from Deadmau5’s Avaritia drifting in from the back of the room. I was hit with a massive wave of emotion, love, and tears. I had not cried like that in a long time. I kept thinking, what the fuck is going on? I’m married. This is a woman I talked to at yoga. Why does this feel this intense?
I kept going to class, and for six weeks I did not see her at all. Then one random morning, at a class I almost never went to, I walked in and stopped dead in my tracks. She was there. I thought, fuck me. I put my mat next to hers and said hi, tentatively. She was genuinely happy to see me. I was thrilled to see her. We talked after class and stood outside together. She told me how much she loved the weekend class and said she wished I would come back. I tried to convince her to come to my favorite class instead. Then I left, knowing I could not go back to that class. I had told my ex-wife. I had told my sponsor. I had drawn that line. She said maybe she would see me at my class the next day. She did not show up. I was devastated all over again. I kept thinking, what the fuck did I do to myself? This felt so good. It felt validating, intoxicating, alive. And now the suffering was overwhelming. I felt miserable most of the time, and that misery started poisoning everything else.
It spilled straight into my marriage. One night, I went after my ex-wife hard. I was angry and resentful. Her entire identity had collapsed into work, motherhood, and being a provider, and I could see my role in creating this situation, but I also felt deeply unattracted to the person she had become. Our intimacy had degraded into something mechanical and resentful. There was no playfulness, no desire, no spark. I snapped and unloaded everything I had been holding in. I told her something had to change or we were headed for divorce.
That confrontation left us on edge for about a week. Seeing that girl at yoga had shown me exactly what I felt was missing. My ex-wife used to have that same energy. She used to be playful, sexy, engaged, turned on by me. She was not anymore, and I missed it badly. I did not want the version of my ex-wife who only cared about work and logistics and parenting. I wanted the woman I fell in love with. My ex-wife did try. She made more of an effort. Some nights she was playful, and sparks came back. We had moments of real passion again, and I let myself feel hopeful. But I was also exhausted. I was nearing the end of my rope, questioning whether this was still what I wanted, questioning whether enough could really change to bring the fire back for good.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Dating playlist.