I have been sober since my last drink on April 21, 2014, and my sobriety date is April 22. People ask what the milestones mean, and my honest answer is that the number of years matters less than the practices that carried me through them. What keeps me sober is going to about five AA meetings a week, being rigorously honest with my sponsor, and staying connected to people. Emotional sobriety is the part that decides whether those years are good ones. To me it does not mean being flat. It means I can handle my feelings, have very intense ups and very intense downs, and nobody gets hurt, including me.
I said this at a meeting in October 2025: emotional sobriety is the real goal of the whole program, not becoming a numb zombie who feels nothing. That view took years to form. You can see it develop across the posts below, from the early story of how I got sober to the hardest year I have lived through in sobriety. Here is how my thinking changed, oldest to newest.
My first long talk on this was my seven-year speaker meeting, AA Speaker Meeting, Celebrating 7 Years Sober, from 2021. It is mostly about how I got sober. I was sitting in a parking lot between a Massage Envy and a Publix liquor store, terrified of both, and I picked the massage. During it, three clear thoughts came to me: get a sponsor, finish the Big Book, and go to five meetings a week. The fifth step is where my secrets finally came out.
The ten-year post, 10 Years Sober: From Hopeless to Happy, Joyous, and Free, shows the other half of the story. The urge to drink came back after I thought I was fixed, and two meetings a week was not enough. A woman with 20 years sober suggested a massage, and that broke the obsession open. From there came a sponsor, the rest of the Big Book, and five meetings a week. By April 2024 my life was better than I could have imagined.
The January 2024 chapter, From Hopeless Alcoholic to 10 Years Happily Sober, names the breakthrough I still think about most. I realized that sober, I was insane, and that my sober thinking was a bigger problem than the drinking itself. The drinking was a symptom. That is the foundation under the emotional sobriety I talk about now.
Going back further, my memoir excerpt, The Three Thoughts That Kept Me From Drinking, describes standing in my kitchen with an open bottle of vodka, still sober. The thoughts were that drinking would make me stupid, that it would prove I did not love the people I said I loved, and that it would make me a liar after I promised an old-timer I would call him first. At the time they felt like messages from God. Looking back, they were my subconscious answering the question I was finally asking with sincerity.
The hardest year is in Long-Term Emotional Sobriety in Action (12 Years Sober). In June 2025 I burned out on YouTube and my income stopped. My wife and I decided to divorce, and I moved out. My lowest point came the Sunday before Thanksgiving. I told my kids something about the divorce that was not accurate, and I corrected it the same morning, owning my part. Through all of it I kept going to about five meetings a week and calling my sponsor, and I believe that is why I stayed sober.
Two journal entries show the same idea in smaller moments. In Emotional Sobriety Is the Whole Point, from October 2025, I was raw and petty after a bad morning, and saying the truth out loud at a meeting turned the day around. In A Room With 3,900 Years Sober, from February 2026, I felt like a baby next to a man with 65 years sober.
The last idea, from Face the Pain Now Sober and a Better Life Arrives After, is about small things. I drank to numb 10 or 20 small problems and never dealt with them. Sober, I learned to feel the small pain, ask for help, and fix one thing at a time. Below you will find a contents list and then every post on this subject in full, newest first. For more context, see Alcoholics Anonymous: The 12 Steps, Meetings and Sponsors or my drinking story.
On this page
Every post I have written on this subject is below in full, newest first, each under its own heading.
- The Three Thoughts That Kept Me From Drinking (June 21, 2026)
- Face the Pain Now Sober and a Better Life Arrives After (June 17, 2026)
- Long-Term Emotional Sobriety in Action (12 Years Sober) (June 15, 2026)
- A Room With 3,900 Years Sober (February 7, 2026)
- Emotional Sobriety Is the Whole Point (October 27, 2025)
- Emotional Sobriety After 10 Years: What I Learned Along the Way (April 22, 2024)
- From Hopeless Alcoholic to 10 Years Happily Sober (January 24, 2024)
- AA Speaker Meeting — Celebrating 7 Years Sober in Alcoholics Anonymous! (June 18, 2021)
The Three Thoughts That Kept Me From Drinking
Originally published June 21, 2026.
This is an excerpt from my full-life memoir, Un Fn Myself — my real story of addiction, recovery, fatherhood, and everything in between from 1984 to 2026, including the parts most people would cut out.
That fear finally pushed me to start reading AA literature like my life depended on it. I eventually made it through the first 164 pages of the Alcoholics Anonymous book, and I’ll be honest: as much as people in AA rave about how incredible the Big Book is, I did not think it was great the first time through. I thought whoever wrote it was trying way too hard to sound smart, like they were constantly flipping through a thesaurus to impress me. I remember thinking, this fucking idiot should just talk in plain language instead of using all these fancy words. The 1930s phrasing drove me nuts, with references to whoopee parties and other outdated nonsense. And when it got to things like resentment lists, my reaction was immediate: I’m not doing that shit. No thanks. As I worked through most of the book, it felt like nothing was really sinking in.
Then I got to the stories, and that’s when things started to shift. Little moments kept happening. One night, I was deep into the stories section, and I read about someone who realized they didn’t have to drink and didn’t want to drink. That stopped me cold. I thought, shit, I don’t have to drink. I already knew that logically—nobody had a gun to my head forcing alcohol down my throat—but seeing it framed that way made it click differently. Then I realized something else: I didn’t want to drink. I didn’t want to consciously destroy myself and my life. If I didn’t have to drink and I didn’t want to drink, then what the hell was left? For the first time in a long while, I felt a real moment of peace. I thought, you know what, I think I’m going to be okay. That insight came probably three hundred pages into the book. The stories worked for me in a way the first 164 pages never did. Those early chapters mostly just warmed me up and made me curious about my own story.
On another day, I was completely batshit crazy. I had accumulated a ridiculous amount of liquor and decided to get rid of it. I returned four unopened handles to the liquor store—two bottles of strawberry Smirnoff and two bottles of Admiral Nelson’s vanilla rum. I poured the two open bottles down the drain and recycled them. I made sure there was no alcohol in the house that belonged to me. The problem was that my ex-wife still had a 750 ml bottle of vanilla vodka, some vanilla-caramel holiday flavor she’d bought to make a specific drink for her family the previous Christmas. It was July, and she hadn’t touched that bottle since December, but I knew exactly where it was. One day while my ex-wife was at work, I took that bottle out. I told myself I was teasing myself, thinking that if I even smelled it, I’d have to drink it. At the same time, I was praying to stay sober and becoming painfully aware of how insane this behavior was. I took the cap off the bottle and smelled it, and somehow, even then, I didn’t drink. I stood there praying, holding a bottle of vodka in my hand, still sober.
That’s when three very distinct thoughts crossed my mind. At the time, it felt like they were messages from God or something divine. Looking back, I understand it differently. This was my subconscious doing exactly what it does. When I was praying to stay sober, I was effectively asking my subconscious to search through everything it knew and pull out whatever thoughts or ideas might help me not drink. That’s it. No mystery. Just my mind responding to the question I was finally asking with complete sincerity.
What’s difficult about early sobriety—and about changing any deeply ingrained habit—is that you’re working directly against your autopilot. It’s like flying a plane with the autopilot locked in one direction. To change course, you have to consciously disengage it, take manual control, and steer somewhere new, all while trying to reprogram the system so it doesn’t immediately snap back. That’s hard, especially when you’re exhausted and scared. That was exactly where I was, standing there with a bottle of vodka open in my hand, smelling it, suspended in this moment of manual control while my autopilot screamed for relief. Disengaging that autopilot is brutal to do alone, which is why, if you're standing in a moment like that yourself, you can schedule a one-on-one call with me and take manual control with people steering right alongside you.
That’s when the first of those three thoughts hit me. The thought was simple and brutal: you are stupid if you drink this vodka right now. That landed hard because it went straight at my ego. My ego had receipts. I’d scored a 1410 on the SAT (back when the top score was 1600), somewhere in the top ninety-something percentile. I’d always done well on standardized tests. I had a master’s degree. My self-image was wrapped tightly around the idea that I was an intelligent person. But looking down at that open bottle, the counterargument was undeniable. Not if you drink this. You know by now that you should never, ever drink again. If you drink this vodka, you’re a fucking idiot. That’s the truth about you. If you don’t drink it, then maybe you get to try to prove you’re smart again. But if you drink it, you’re stupid. Period. That was deeply humbling. I remember thinking, damn, I don’t want to be stupid. If drinking makes me stupid, that’s a problem. That thought didn’t come out of nowhere. I’d been praying to stay sober, listening to people share in meetings, and my subconscious finally lined all that information up and delivered it bluntly: if you want sobriety, accept that drinking means you’re not smart. That’s the deal.
I was still holding the bottle, still smelling it, still debating, when the second thought surfaced. Part of it was clearly connected to something I’d heard in meetings. There was a guy who later became my sponsor who used to say, “Booze is caca.” I remember thinking, are you dumb enough to drink shit? Is that really how fucking stupid you are? And standing there in my kitchen, that framing suddenly worked. No, I’m not that stupid. I’m not dumb enough to knowingly consume something I understand is poison. That idea cut through the romantic bullshit I still had about alcohol and reduced it to something disgusting and absurd.
Then the third thought came, and it went even deeper. The realization was this: if I actually cared about my family, I wouldn’t drink. The truth was uncomfortable and hard to escape. If I drank, I didn’t really give a shit about my ex-wife, my mother, or my brother. I could say I loved them all I wanted, but my actions would prove otherwise. I told myself I loved my ex-wife so much. I said I loved my mom so much. But there I was, my ex-wife at work, my mother having just lost her husband of over thirty years, and her son standing alone with a bottle of vodka, trying to relapse. Did that look like a son who loved his mother? Did that look like a husband who loved his wife? Or did it look like someone insane, trying to poison himself?
My mind kept going. I pictured what it would be like if I were my ex-wife. I imagined her coming home from work around 5:30 p.m. I knew that if I relapsed, I’d turn “Fack” on and blast it loud. She wouldn’t even need to walk into the house to know what was happening. She’d hear the music first—the bass thumping, the noise of zombies getting slaughtered, the chaos bleeding out into the garage. She might not even step inside. But if she did, she’d smell the liquor immediately. I pictured her standing there, taking it all in, and I imagined exactly how she would feel: miserable, hopeless, crushed. This woman I claimed to love would be emotionally destroyed by something I had complete control over.
That’s when the responsibility became unavoidable. Nobody else controlled this moment. She couldn’t stop the relapse. My mom couldn’t stop it. No one else had any power here but me. I could stop it, or I could choose not to. Seeing it that clearly was devastating. It made the whole thing look crazy and sad instead of tempting. Yes, if I drank, I was stupid. And the truth was, if I drank, I didn’t actually love anyone I said I loved. My actions would prove that I didn’t love my ex-wife, I didn’t love my mother, and I didn’t even love myself. And that realization landed like a punch to the chest.
The third thought came right after that, and it might have hit me the hardest of all: if you drink, you are a liar. That realization was tied to a promise I had made to an old-timer in my meeting, who has since passed away. He was one of those people who positioned himself right by the exit to catch newcomers like me before we could bolt. That was my routine back then. I’d show up right before the meeting started, sit down, listen, share, and then leave the second it ended. I didn’t get phone numbers. I didn’t hang around to talk. I did all the typical newcomer avoidance shit. He didn’t let that slide. One day, as I was trying to make my usual escape, he literally blocked my path, introduced himself, shook my hand, and asked for my phone number. I gave it to him just to get rid of him, not thinking about the future at all. He held onto my hand longer than was comfortable and said, “Do you promise you’ll call me before you drink?” I said yes and walked out, already annoyed. At the time, I was thinking, I’ll fucking say anything to get away from this guy right now. Why is he doing this?
A few weeks later, there I was at home again, holding a bottle of liquor, fully planning to drink. Then the thought popped up: you should call that old-timer. You said you’d call him before you drink. My immediate reaction was, fuck that guy. But right on the heels of that came something I couldn’t shake. Really? Fuck him? You told him you would call him before you drank. If you drink without calling him, you’re a liar. You told someone you would do something, you are completely capable of doing it, and you’re choosing not to. That means you’re lying. Standing there, the whole picture snapped into focus all at once. If I drank, I wasn’t just stupid. If I drank, I wasn’t just someone who didn’t love his family. If I drank, I was also a liar. That hit hard. I had always thought of myself as an honest person, someone who loved his family, someone who was smart and just happened to enjoy drinking. But the truth was brutal. If I stayed sober, then maybe I loved my family, maybe I was honest, and maybe I really was smart. But if I drank, I was definitely an idiot who didn’t love his family and who lied to people. There was no way around that. So I put the cap back on the liquor bottle.
That’s when things got even more uncomfortable, because I still wanted to drink. Now I was trapped with the truth. I knew that if I drank, I would be consciously destroying everything—my life, my relationships, everything I cared about. I wasn’t confused anymore. I wasn’t ignorant. I would be consenting, fully aware, to blowing it all up. I remember thinking, well, fuck, I don’t know what to do now. After a few breakthroughs like that, I went to an AA meeting one Thursday in the middle of this obsession. This wasn’t a bad afternoon or a rough morning. This had been going on for weeks. All day, every day, all I wanted to do was drink, and all day, every day, I was praying to stay sober.
At that meeting, I finally got honest. Up until then, my shares were mostly performances. I talked about how grateful I was to be sober, how my business was starting to pick up, how my ex-wife wasn’t as mad at me, how my body felt better, how I’d lost five pounds and was doing great. Inside, though, I would have given anything to take a drink. That day, I raised my hand and told the truth. I said, “I wanted to drink really bad all day. I barely made it to this meeting without drinking. And I just want you all to know that I’m going to drink tomorrow. You all say don’t drink today, so fine—it’s Thursday, I won’t drink today. But tomorrow’s Friday, and I’m going to fucking drink tomorrow. I just thought you should know.” That was my share. I don’t remember exactly what anyone said afterward. What I remember is going home thinking, at least I made it through today, and we’ll see what happens tomorrow. If you’re white-knuckling your own version of that one-more-day fight, you don’t have to sit in it alone — you can book a private call with me and we’ll talk through exactly what you’re facing.
Another day, I had personal training scheduled, and the moment I woke up, I wanted to drink. As usual, my ex-wife was at work. On weekends I was mostly safe because she was around and, in effect, babysitting me, but when she was gone, all bets were off. That day my personal training session was at around 2:00 p.m., and from the moment I woke up until then, my entire inner world was one long argument with myself. Fuck personal training, just drink right now. Your wife’s at work. You’ve got plenty of time. There’s no reason to wait. You can’t afford to put this off. It’s 10:00 in the morning—let’s go, just start drinking now. Then another voice would cut in: no, you should at least go to personal training. You might as well take care of yourself a little before you die. Let’s do personal training first, then we’ll see about drinking. Over and over, that’s what I did—constantly negotiating with myself, constantly trying to delay drinking until later.
That was the game all morning. Just put it off a little longer. Just get to the next thing. Somehow, I managed to make it through the morning that way. Eventually, I reached the point where all parts of me could agree on one thing: I had to leave the house. After all, you have to leave the house to go to the liquor store, and you also have to leave the house to go to personal training. So fine, let’s leave the house. I got in the car, drove past the liquor store, and thought, all right, just go to personal training. The part of me that wanted to drink immediately started scheming. Fine, dumbass, go lift some weights. You’ll be worn down afterward. You’ll be mentally tired and weaker on the way home, and then you can stop by the liquor store. Go ahead, do your personal training. The part of me that wanted to stay sober countered with its own bargain: okay, go to personal training, and then you’ll know for sure whether you’re going to drink after that.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.
Face the Pain Now Sober and a Better Life Arrives After
From my video published June 17, 2026.
I'm a full-time YouTuber, and as I write this it's January 25th, 2025, day 4,989. My message for today is to encourage you to be willing to face the pain and go through the annoying, hard things now so that you can set yourself up for a better future.
Doing the Annoying Thing Today
Here's a small example from my own setup. I have a two-PC arrangement here. I've got all the music and performance gear on one screen, and then I have a second computer for streaming and recording. My Ableton was loading slow, taking a few minutes just to come up. That's because I had it on a SATA hard drive instead of on the NVMe. So I spent $250, bought a four-terabyte NVMe drive that mounts right on the motherboard, got rid of the old one, and then I reformatted my whole computer.
In the short term, this means I spend hours reformatting the machine, putting all my applications back on, like Native Instruments, taking a year and a half to reinstall Kontakt Complete, and having to leave the computer on all day. But what I get in return is that Ableton loads faster, I get to purge all the stuff from the past that I don't use anymore, and everything is quicker. In the short term it's an annoying thing to do, but in the long term it sets me up for success. It is well worth it.
What I notice a lot of people struggle with is putting off doing things like that, and tolerating 50 little problems at once. Then you end up feeling stressed out, like your whole life isn't working, when really you need to sit down and fix it one thing at a time. For instance, I took the car to the dealership the other day and spent $2,500 to get the hydraulics fixed on the back gate. The car is a 2016, so it's nine years old now, and the hydraulics that opened the back gate on my RAV4 were screwing up. It was annoying. The only difference sometimes between a life that's really annoying and one that's awesome is fixing 10 or 20 little things.
What I notice is that a lot of people don't want to face the pain, deal with it, and handle that stuff today until it gets extremely urgent or turns into an emergency. What I do that really helps me is I constantly tackle facing those little amounts of pain instead of pushing everything off and then getting destroyed.
How I Used to Numb the Pain
For example, I have a family member, and a lot of people do this, who numb everything by taking drugs and drinking alcohol. That's what I used to do. I would drink alcohol and try to numb all the pain of what were never major problems. It was often 10 or 20 minor problems that I wouldn't deal with. It was a financial issue. It was a relationship issue. It was my office. It was all these little things that, if I had just sat down sober and cried, been frustrated and angry, and figured it out, and then done that 10 more times, my whole life would have been fixed.
That's essentially what I went through getting sober, which is why it's so hard. It's so hard when you've been putting off all these little things and then you have to face all of them sober at once. What I've come to believe is that the people who are most miserable in my life are the ones who put off dealing with all these little things, so they drink and they use drugs. If you just sit down and feel the pain, cry and wallow in it for a minute, and then ask for help, all these little things in your life could be fixed.
Instead, what happens is what nearly happened to me. I almost ruined my entire life drinking. It was very close. And I see family members and friends absolutely wrecking their lives, instead of reformatting their PC, instead of reading a book on health, instead of trying a new doctor, instead of taking their car into the dealership. Often it's only 5 or 10 or 15 of those things that need to be handled in someone's life. Some folks are really in a tough spot and have 20 or 30 of those things, but it still comes down to handling them one at a time.
I'm glad I do that today. You might not realize this is something I do, but I'm consistent about it. Six months ago I reformatted both of my computers. With my streaming PC, that was a real pleasure, because that's half the machines I don't have to reformat again. Even though this PC isn't fully set up yet, I'm actually installing Ableton Packs while writing this, clicking a button to install them as I go. This is a challenge for you too.
Facing the Pain in Relationships
The same thing happens in relationships, where often you'll have all this bad feeling, but really what you're doing is running away from the hurt. I had a hurt with one of my family members this morning, not the same family member I mentioned, but a different one. I just laid there and cried and laughed, and I was thinking about this topic. I told myself I need to feel the pain of the hurt in this relationship. Often, if you stop to feel the pain of somebody hurting you, you'll know what to do going forward.
I had a situation with a family member a few months ago, and I was in massive pain about it. I finally just cried and felt all the years and years of hurt, and it became obvious what to do. With this particular family member, the answer was simple: don't be around them. You're not going to get hurt anymore. There's nothing worth having in this relationship, so just don't see them and it'll be fine. I've been doing that for two months, and it's been great.
Now I have another family member, and I just need to take some time with it. Some family members, friends, and coworkers you can cut off or remove from your life more easily than others. People like your mother, your siblings, or your children can be more difficult. But even in those cases, you feel the pain first, and afterward you'll figure out what to do. It's hard to figure out what to do before you face the pain.
My Agreement With My Body
I have a family member right now who feels like they have so much pain they can't face it sober. They feel they have to constantly be medicated, constantly under the influence of something, because they don't think they can handle the pain sober. My thought is, if I can't handle the pain sober, then I've got no work left here to do. I have an agreement with my body: you're going to be healthy and feel good most of the time, or we're not doing this anymore. That's a non-negotiable for me.
Today my back hurt a little, but I stretched it. I'm going to do my part to keep the body healthy. I'm going to take it to yoga and feed it well. We went to the mall today, and I had some Dippin' Dots and some popcorn. We had Cheesecake Factory for lunch, where I had an Impossible Burger, a soft-serve ice cream cone, and a few bites of a s'mores cookie. So I'm giving this body lots of energy, and it's ready to go.
At the same time, this family member said, "Well, you'll find out about this one day." And I said, no, I won't. I won't live like that. I will not live where the body is in miserable physical pain, in shambles, and I'm just taking drugs every day to get by. I won't live like that because I don't have to. To me, being here is a choice every moment. If I choose not to be here, the body will figure out a way; I'll stop eating, or whatever it takes. My uncle had Parkinson's, and he put up with it for years and years, and then he stopped eating. He didn't put up with it anymore, and that was it. He died right after that.
To me, a lot of people think too much about quantity and not enough about quality. The way I've found to get quality is that you have to handle resetting your computer, so to speak. And if you don't know how to handle something, ask people for help until you figure out exactly what you need to do about it. If this kind of honest reflection on getting sober and choosing quality of life resonates with you, I share a lot more of it in my Life playlist.
So I'm glad that today I'm resetting this computer and I'm feeling the pain. I'm facing the pain today, and I'm moving forward.
Long-Term Emotional Sobriety in Action (12 Years Sober)
From my video published June 15, 2026.
Twelve years sober, and the hardest year yet
I'm Jerry Banfield and I'm an alcoholic. I've just had 12 years sober yesterday and you're going to love this AA speaker meeting because we're going to focus on more advanced topics in sobriety. In fact, I'm not going to talk about my first 11 years being sober at all because there's tons of other videos, tons of other speakers. I'm going to focus on navigating transitions, big transitions like divorce, like moving, like finding a way to work and not having any money coming in. I'm going to handle these things sober and staying consistent with steps 10, 11, and 12 and maintaining relationships over time with family and friends, setting boundaries and continuing to really love and enjoy the program, continuing to go to five meetings a week, continuing to expand and explore new possibilities.
I've already talked a lot about my early sobriety in my book. Speaker Meeting 2017, and that goes into 12 hours of detail in the audio book version. So this video is all about for people who've been sober a long time or wanted to get an idea of handling things sober, this is for you, especially if you feel the program's gotten stale, that meetings are boring, that you don't feel like you did before, this is for you. So what, first of all, let's talk about some of the big things we'll cover.
Three big changes at once
In the last year, I was married my first 11 years sober, and lots of times I wondered, have I been able to stay sober just because my life's been easy? I was also a content creator for the first 11 years of being sober as well. In June 2025, a little less than a year ago, I got burnt out on being a YouTuber. That cut all the income I was bringing in. Right after that, then my wife at the time, who I'd been with my entire sobriety, we were arguing more, and we came to the conclusion that we should get a divorce. And that meant I needed to move out of the house.
So that's three huge things all at once, with big career change, no money coming in, divorce, finances or romances, and then also moving on top of that. And what I'm really proud to say today is that I made it through all that sober, and I've done some fantastic character building that I just wouldn't have done or would have taken. And I've taken a lot longer otherwise. It didn't take me down. It didn't stop me going to meetings. In fact, I grabbed onto my program and my sponsor and all the other people in AA harder than ever. I started consistently coming to meetings early for the first time since early sobriety, and I started lingering and staying sometimes three, four, five hours after meetings, hanging out, talking with people, finally going over to people's houses.
AA was there when I really needed it. And it helped me make it through the hardest transition I've seen sober. And I'll highlight some of the key practices that I've stuck with.
The practices I never stopped
And the first thing is that no matter what's happened in my life in the last 12 years, I've continued to go to an average of five AA meetings a week. Because from what I see, I can be certain, or as certain as I can be in this human life, that I'm going to stay sober as long as I don't stop coming to meetings. The number one thing I've seen people do in the last 12 years that they go out, they always stop coming to meetings, or that's one of the biggest things. Second thing, I'm always rigorously honest with my sponsor and at least one other person.
I share a lot more of how I keep a steady life together in my Life playlist.
In case my sponsor's not available, I always maintain a sponsor. I've had to change sponsors several times. And my sponsor and sponsee relationship, that is something that we don't talk basic sobriety. It's all handling life. It's what are you doing today? It's what meeting are you going to? It's how are you processing this? We work on a foundation of the basics, but we consistently are dealing with life on life's terms and handling things successfully. And I'm very interested in my sponsor's life, his things like dating, his relationships with his children. And I'm glad I picked out a sponsor. My sponsor's been sober my entire life since before I was born.
And everything that was new to me, like getting divorced, he'd already done that before. Dating and sobriety, he's already done that before. And parenting his children, moving, big life transitions with work and income, he's done all that before. And having a sponsor who's really been through life is extremely helpful. And I leaned heavily on my sponsor. So let's circle back to some of the big things. What was I doing right before all this happened? Well, I was going to five meetings a week as usual. I was calling my sponsor, either seeing my sponsor in a meeting or calling my sponsor almost every day. And I had strong relationships already in Alcoholics Anonymous.
So I already had a solid foundation in my program before any of the big changes came along. I'm very grateful that I maintained that because if I wasn't consistently going to meetings, if I didn't have a sponsor, I would have been in a position where instead of going and working my program really thoroughly during this time, I might have went out where I've seen this happen with lots of people. Where they start, they, life's going along and it's not too bad and they can get away with not going to meetings. But this would have been the place last year where if I, I could have probably gotten away with not going to meetings for years before that, not having a sponsor for years before that, but then divorce, moving, income down to zero, all of that at once, I would have been in a position to drink.
But instead, I spent nights alone at home and my house that I moved out into and now in my new house. And I faced my fear. I started feeling sober.
Dating sober for the first time
I started dating sober for the first time, which was quite a challenge because when I used to date when I drank, which I hadn't dated sober, I met my wife when I was drinking and I was in a habit of playing the game of just, making sure to hide anything a girl shouldn't see about me as long as possible. And that worked consistently to, as we say in AA, to take hostages, but to, get women to really like me and hook them emotionally. And then they find out I'm an alcoholic that's, totally self centered and plays video games all day. And this relationship is really about what I can get out of you.
And I'll see if I can do something to at least string you along. Then I start dating sober, which was in October, 2025. And that was surprising because I have this lifestyle from living in Alcoholics Anonymous where I'm used to being very open and very open. I'm used to being honest with people. I'm used to often leading with my flaws and dropping my drunk a log and meetings and sharing at a level that does not work to build attraction with most women. And it's been a painful journey, but a fun adventure. I remember thinking I'm never going to date again. And I remember thinking so many times that it'd be so nice to see what dating is like sober because I've never done it before.
And now I am grateful. I've gotten to see it. I see that. And I'm in the middle of that right now. I'm not dating anyone. I don't have any options, so to speak. I have a date scheduled from my matchmaking service next week, but I'm totally open and available right now. And dating and sobriety has required changing and a lot of character building because let me give you a concrete example. So I went out on this first date with this girl that was the second one from my matchmaking service. And if you want to see about matchmaking dating. I've got some other videos on that on this channel.
And I told this girl on the first date that I'd essentially tricked my wife into falling in love with me by hiding that I was an alcoholic and anything else she shouldn't know until she was sufficiently emotionally hooked and invested in me. And while the date had been going pretty good before that, the girl seemed to, that triggered her ick filter or, oh, this guy's not safe or whatever. And it's taken me from October. 20 and 25 to April, 2026 to realize I can't come at a girl. I'm just meeting for the first time from online or from a matchmaking service or at some sober dance party.
I can't come at her like I'm at an AA meeting that even girls I've been very frustrated because I thought when I moved out of the house and I was ready to date again, I had all these girls I knew and they were very friendly with me being married, but none of them wanted to date me. And I was surprised. I was surprised to learn that there's a lot of the things I had done back when I was dating in my drinking days were very effective because they gave women a chance to kind of slowly open up to me. And I made sure to avoid triggering anything that might cause a woman to run away.
And I've struggled in the last, few months feeling like, well, that's dishonest. It's dishonest to not just lead with my flaws and immediately share, that I'm an alcoholic and to just start doing my fist up. I just want to go to the bathroom. And I have learned, like what, you need to take it slow. I was talking with my ex actually and asking her, like, what am I doing on these dates that girls are just like, nobody wants a second date. And I told her that, the things I was saying. And then I told her that, well, I'm not ready to get physical on a first date.
That's kind of much. And my ex tells me, she's like, you're treating these dates like you are in had an AA meeting and working with your sponsor. She's like, the things you're saying are the physical equivalent of trying to close the deal on the first date. You are going for it with the things you're saying, and you're used to doing that in Alcoholics Anonymous. You're used to being able to do that on YouTube, but you can't do that dating. You need to take it slow. You need to warm up to getting into deeper, heavier topics unless a girl shows that that's where she's at. I'm so grateful.
That was a 10th step in practice of looking at, okay, what is going wrong in my dating? Because this last year has been some of the toughest emotional bottoms I've hit in sobriety. I have a definition for emotional sobriety that is different than a lot of what I hear. To me, emotional sobriety is not, do I feel emotions?
What emotional sobriety actually means
Emotional sobriety to me is not being flat all the time or having minimal ups and downs. It's not being flat all the time. To me, emotional sobriety is that I can handle my feelings and I don't hurt myself or other people. That is my definition of emotional sobriety, that I can have very intense ups, very intense downs, and nobody gets hurt. That's to me is what I'm looking for. I'm not looking to go through my sobriety being a robot that just doesn't feel anything. Now, perhaps as a man, it is better to keep a calm exterior and not project my feelings all the time. I'm not constantly to everyone about everything, but it is a worthwhile part of life to feel intense grief, to feel intense joy, sadness, anger, rage, love, euphoria.
I'm grateful that in the last few months sober, I've had experiences of much higher ups and downs than I've gotten in the last of my sobriety. I've felt like emotionally, I've felt like a teenager where I go to a sober dance party, not an AA. But just a sober event I found in town. I meet a girl that's in her late 20s, looking to have kids, very pretty, likes me, is sending me signals on a dance floor, and then I talk too much. And then it all goes south from there. And then I reach out immediately the next day. She's not interested anymore. And then I go way, way up euphoria.
And then I go way, way down into misery. And I've had a few days in the last year where I was laying in bed, thinking, I just don't know how I'm going to go on. I don't know how I'm going to find somebody to date and find a new place to live and figure out how to make money. Like it's too much. I can't, I can't handle all this. This is too hard. But then there've been many more days where I've thought this is so much fun. This is such an adventure. I love the danger, the danger that, if this doesn't work out, I might be living in my car for the first time in my life. And if you're riding those same wild ups and downs right now and want a real conversation about your own emotional sobriety, I'd be glad to talk it through with you on a private one-on-one call with me — just my experience and an honest look at where you're at.
Or if this doesn't work out dating, I might never have another happy relationship again. Or, I could find some crappy place to live. Now I have nailed the dating or not the dating. The dating is very open, but I've nailed the place to live. I've ended up finding a beautiful house to live in. And one, one thing my sponsor says is that he loves how I take action and put in the work. And then what I do also is ask people's advice. And that's why I bring the house into this right now. And we'll, we'll put several things together here.
The lowest point, and a tenth step with my kids
So the lowest, I've had in the last year was the Sunday before Thanksgiving. I had the, so let's back up two days, two days before this, I had met another girl this time. This girl was mid thirties. She really liked me. We're like holding hands with this dance party. We're talking for a couple hours. I was very direct and telling her how beautiful she was and talking to her. And we spent a couple hours talking until just short of midnight. And well, I said too much, again. And I text her the next day. She doesn't respond. And I proceed to spiral. So Friday, I meet a girl right after going to an AA meeting.
I meet her and giving somebody a ride home. And I meet a girl. I go sky high euphoria for like that night. And then start, it screws up my sleep. I start trending down, down the next day. I wake up and I'm kind of like on the way down, but hoping it'll stabilize. I look at a house that's right across the street from my mom and my ex. And I'm like, I'm going to go to the bathroom. And I'm like, I'm going to go to the and it doesn't feel right. And I'm really, annoyed because I was wanting to figure the house out. And this was such a close location to my mom and my ex, but my mom and my ex don't really like the house that much.
And a lot of people in AA talk about things like, well, I'm just doing God's will. It's like, how do you know what God's will is? You just get an idea in your head and that's God's will. And you're sure that's not some other will. And you're sure that's not self will. To me, what works for me, is I get ideas, I get inspiration, and then I check with other people. So I check this place I'm going to live in. Yes, I've been able to have a kind divorce because of practicing this program where my ex and I get along very well. We're still great friends.
We see each other most days. We're totally cooperative with the kids. We still share, intimate details of our lives with each other, like our dating. Although I've recently scaled back to be, more in my masculine and not oversharing because oversharing and all that dumping I did emotionally, just basically using my wife like a sponsor instead of, being a wife, that made things, that killed a lot of the romance in our marriage. So on this day, on this Saturday, I asked for feedback from, two of the people I care most about in my life, my ex wife. Now keep in mind, I had only moved out a month before and I'd moved to a house nearby that my ex, helped me find.
And then I only had two months I could live there. So because they're knocking it down. So I go in this other house and I'm all excited, but nobody else seems to like it. I go home and I spiral. And this one day I didn't go to an AA meeting. I, did I call my sponsor? I think I talked to my sponsor, but I didn't go to an AA meeting because I was too tired, even though I had been to like five meetings in a row the days before that. So I skipped an AA meeting. I didn't go to yoga either, which helps my nervous system calm down and get out there with other people.
And I wasn't doing any work that day either. I was idle. I laid in bed too much and I didn't have any video games or any other coping mechanisms. And I spiraled really hard. I had a hard time sleeping again. Then I got up the next day and I went first thing over to my ex's house. And I told the kids that, I, I told the kids that this, the divorce was my mom's fault. And she was cutting me out of their life and that they might not grow up with a father for one reason or another. Like I might move away to be near my family in Michigan or, move away with some woman or, anything can happen because, this, they didn't get to have a guaranteed father anymore in their life because of this.
And obviously they got very upset. Like this, this was the absolute lowest point I've seen in my sobriety, in my behavior. And what's really cool, like this is, the, ugliest thing that I've been through. And I hope some girl I just went out with on a first date's not watching this right now. But then again, I guess if she gets past that part, we're probably going down the aisle, right? So she, I, I tell the kids this first thing in the morning, my ex is there and she, she is patient enough to let me share. And then she's also trusting enough because of all the years I've put in sobriety.
She's seen that I am overall a stable person who's reliable. And who's safe. So she gives me space and time to, then after I tell the kids this, I cry. And then I immediately start my 10th step right there. I don't need to call my sponsor. I immediately, as soon as I said all this stuff, and then I cried and the kids, expressed their concerns. Then I said, I'm sorry. What I just said wasn't accurate. Like there, there's some truth to it, but overall your mother and I decided on this divorce. Both of us, both of us together decided on this divorce. Not just me or her.
And what I said before was not the whole truth. The whole truth is I wanted this divorce too. I wanted to go date other women. I want to have more children when your mom doesn't. And I, I decided to do this too. And I'm not going anywhere as your father. I know I got a bit dramatic and I, I get scared sometimes that something's going to take me away from you guys. Like, especially if I met one of these girls at this, these dance parties and they live somewhere else. And they really liked, me and want to move away with me, I, or moving back to Michigan, like with my family.
So I, I immediately did a 10 step right there with my kids and with my ex before I even left the house. And to me, like that's, that's working the steps all the way. Like, as soon as you realize you've, you've gone wrong or started to go wrong, it's like fix that immediately. And I did. And then I went home and I laid in my bed and I cried and I felt awful. And I was, I was thinking, if anyone really cares about me, I wish they would reach out.
My sister's call, and carrying the message
And right then my sister called and she said, Hey, I just came back from a relapse myself. I just got out of the hospital and I'd like you to come visit. And that was so powerful. Like I felt that connection, that spiritual experience, like, wow, that was just what I asked for. So I said, yes, even though no money's coming in, I am giving my ex the house in exchange for some cash, but that's running out quickly. I spend a thousand dollars to book a plane ticket and rent a car to go visit my sister immediately. As soon as she calls, I immediately booked that.
And then I tell my aunt, I'm sorry for not checking with her first. And I go spend a week in Thanksgiving in Michigan. So my, I live in St. Petersburg, Florida. So I went to spend a week immediately after that in Michigan, I left the next day. And that part of that was an amends. To my ex, like, look, I just took up too much space in your life. And this is our first like big holiday apart. I'm going to just clear out of town so that you can focus on you and the kids and your family. And my mom, it gets to be a part of that.
And I'll just clear out so that, my amends is I took up too much space. I'm going to give you some space. And my ex really appreciated that really appreciated me going somewhere where I could be loved and cared for and surrounded by my family. And where I was really wanted, and desired, and where I would not be up in her business. Then when I, I was the night before. So that night I shared at my Alcoholics Anonymous meeting at my home group, I said, look, I'm scared to go to Michigan. Like my sister just relapsed after years of sobriety. This is the older sister.
She just relapsed. And I, I'm not, I'm not at my most stable right now. Like, I'm scared to go up there. Like this could go badly. Like, especially if she, she relapsed again, or, the rest of the family had to deal with her before relapse. Like this is, this is shaky. I'm shaky. She's shaky. And people shared with me after the meeting and I cried listening to them talk. They said, Jerry, remember that part of the big book? Like this is where you're doing the 12th step right now. And not hair standing up. So I'm saying this on me. Like you are going up there to carry the message to your sister.
At this time, I had 11 and a half years sober. They said, you've got 11 and a half years sober. Go up there, carry the message. Be there when she needs you. After she just got out of the hospital and has had a relapse, like where she needs someone who's got, 11 years sobriety. That's there with her every day for a week after she's got out of the hospital. And that's there to help her through Thanksgiving with all her emotions. She has two teenage kids. So I, I completely, I felt like, that's what seemed like a great idea to me. And her then it was validated by my home group.
And I shared real messy and vulnerable at my home group. And now I understand I've wondered, I'm like, why don't any of these girls at AA meetings seem to be interested in me? And now I'm like, oh, because, because they know me too well to have any like fantasy. It's kind of killed their attraction. But I shared at a meeting the other day that when I go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, I'm not there to pick girls up. I can go to sober dance parties, matchmaking, online dating. There's, yoga. There's lots of places I can pick girls up. But AA meetings, I'm here to save my life.
If that happens, that's one thing. But my primary purpose is to carry the message to an alcoholic who still suffers. And that often means I need to share real and raw and vulnerable.
Why I share raw and specific
And from the heart, I've noticed a lot of people in AA feel this need to keep this sober face on and to never share what's really going on and to always be generic. Oh, I'm having a hard time. You see the value of me sharing very specifically and saying, look, this is exactly what I'm dealing with and what it looks like. Then people give me very specific help. And that helps me feel better. You see, if I just go to an AA meeting and say, oh, I'm having a hard time today. Nobody knows exactly how to help me with that. And the help they give is generic. If you have been keeping that same sober face on and not telling anyone what is really going on, you're welcome to schedule a private call with me and say the specific thing out loud, just one alcoholic talking honestly with another.
Like, keep stay strong. You'll be all right. I hate that. I don't need a pat on the back and to be told, well, stay strong or you'll get through this. I don't need that. I need to hear people's experiences with the same kind of stuff. I need to hear very relevant and where I see people struggle is often trying to keep this sober face on this emotional sobriety face. Like to me, it's you're going to have life is going to happen. And what I do in AA meetings, I share very specifically all the time. And especially when I need help, I share at meetings and I say, this is what I'm struggling with.
This is what I need help with. And then people come up after the meeting and help me exactly with what I need help with. And then I feel better. The week long trip I took to visit, my sister went fantastic. The whole family was supportive. Thanksgiving went really well, which considering I just came up there after announcing I'm getting divorced last minute when all my family really likes my ex. And then my sister just got out of the hospital, like both of us rolling into Thanksgiving together. It was amazing how well it went. It just went perfect. And I felt restored to sanity. And we went to several AA meetings up there, which was awesome.
And then I came back. Totally like feeling like I'm back in myself. Then right after that, I found a fantastic place to live. I thought about everybody else. I thought, where can I live that'll give me enough space to be away from, not in the same neighborhood as my ex. And at the same time, closer to kids school. So I can really participate in the kids lives.
A new home, and co-parenting
I found a beautiful place to live here near Crescent Lake in St. Petersburg, Florida. And I have my kids three nights a week, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, every week. And if my ex, wants to do something like on the weekend, and that was considerate out of like, what's good for her. My ex works full time, whereas I'm a YouTuber, so I can work anytime. My ex has a full time job. And therefore, she really needs her time during the week, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. And that way she can get all her work done and all that. And then she can focus on having fun with the kids when she doesn't have to work.
Like mostly Friday, Saturday, Sunday, she plans all the stuff for, to do for them. Meanwhile, I'm the business parent. I handle, I like just. And helping, being there for the kids during the week. I can work less during the week. And then Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, I crank up my work. And even with having sole custody of my kids three days a week, I still make sure to go to AA meetings while they're in school. Like today, I'm going to an AA meeting later and I play AA with like tennis with people who are in AA. I am, I love my life today and I'm so connected in AA.
The eleventh step is connection, and getting back to work
To me, the key to the 11th step is being connected to other people because I can set intentions, but I need other people to help me with those. Like I got back on YouTube because I kept praying like, please, God, I'd really like to make some money and I'd like to make it doing something I love doing that's helpful for other people. And I tried writing books and I tried doing a business locally, but nobody seemed interested in that. And to me, meditation is about listening. And I got back on YouTube after three people in a row told me, get back on YouTube. I played tennis with a guy and I asked him about his work situation.
And then he asked me about mine. After he tells me everything, he asked me, well, what's your work situation? And I said, I don't know. And I told him and he's like, why don't you just get back on YouTube? And then the next day I saw a girl walking her dog that I know from AA. She had a very, very similar work situation to the guy the night before. She asked me about my work situation after she talks about hers. She says, after listening to me for a minute or two, she says, why don't you just get back on YouTube? And then right after that, I go out with a girl from my matchmaking service and she's a full time content creator on Instagram.
And I'm like, man, I, and right before that, so Friday night, I had prayed hard for help. I'm like, please, I'll do whatever it takes. Let me be listening. And then the meditation is listen to the things people say. And again, ask for the exact help I need from everyone. Don't give generic crap because what so many people do, like I've, I've seen this girl share and she's like, yeah, I'm having such a hard time. This is a big deal, but she doesn't say what it is. And even after the meeting, talking personally, like she just, people get stuck and like their problems are so, personal and nobody understands.
Like when you share your problems specifically with people, you will see how easily, how easily other people understand and can help you. And now I'm back on YouTube. I've got some income coming in. I've got, thousands of views a day. I'm getting on YouTube among my five different channels. I feel really happy and satisfied with my work. And I started playing video games again, which I had quit playing video games several times in sobriety because I thought it was just addictive behavior that it was, poisoning my mind. But I love playing video games. I love the emotional highs and lows I get playing video games.
I also went to adult children of alcoholics or ACA or ACOA or whatever abbreviation they're using now, ACAD. I tried some ACA meetings and one of the, I read most of the ACA book, but I don't feel the need to work the ACA steps. The ACA fifth step and fourth step will make you beg for the AA steps, I'll tell you that. But I did really get out of the ACA. It's a bit more about healing and loving and also taking inventory of the parents is really helpful to see where I got a lot of these traits. My sponsor and another guy that had been instrumental in my sobriety, they both worked the ACA programs at various points and encouraged me to try it.
I went to five or six ACA meetings and I am so focused on AA. I don't feel the same thing when I go to ACA, but I learned from the ACA program. And I learned that, part of my challenge is I'm often addicted to excitement, that I want to feel some fear. And I want to feel some euphoria. And if I don't have anything in my life set up to feel those things, then I'm going to manufacture things to feel those things. So what I've found, I was often very lonely at night, having four nights a week. At first, when I moved out of the house, I had every night a week in my house, which was lonely.
And then I was desperate to date a girl, any girl to just fill my house up. And then I have a girl over and she spends the night and I'm like, okay, we need to, we can't just accept anybody in here like this. And I'd rather, the top tier is to have an amazing woman, and then to be by myself. And then everybody else is not as good as being by myself. So I've now have four nights a week by myself.
Video games, dating, and feeling things safely
And I really enjoy playing video games on my Jerry Banfield gaming channel. And I really enjoy being honest that like, hey, I love the excitement and the fear. I love stimulating my feelings in these video games in a safe environment. It's an environment where I can play around, where I can have fun. I remember at ACA, they kept talking about, well, what does your inner child want to do? And I remember thinking my inner child wants to buy a PlayStation 5. Like that's, that's what my inner child wants to do. But my adults said, well, no, I, so I bought a PlayStation 5 in 2021 when I was a professional gamer.
And then I sold it in 2023 to try and focus on music and not be addicted. Then I bought another one in 2024, gave that one away. Then my friend gave it back. It was back in 2025, then I sold that one. So now I just bought my fourth PlayStation 5 and that's at the UPS store right now. I'm going to go pick that up later, right before my AA meeting. And I've also got an Xbox Series X that I got used. That's my second Xbox Series X and I have a $2 000 gaming PC. So I really love, I don't feel all lonely when I'm at home playing video games at night.
It's really nice. And that makes it easier for me to not be desperate in dating, which makes it easier for me to track the, to be a woman that, I'm attracted to also. And I asked for help on my dating, which is why I started this matchmaking service. I poured my heart out to a friend of my tennis partner one day, and he suggested I get on this matchmaking service called Talkify. I've had three really nice dates with women I met up with on there. No second dates though, because, well, your boy was, was acting like it was an AA meeting and not a first date.
I write more about what I'm figuring out back in the dating world in My Exact First-Date System.
Now on the fourth date next week, we'll be remembering this is a date with a woman that doesn't know you, that's like a flower who needs to take time to open up and love you. And don't tell her fifth step stuff on the first date. And I am just really enjoying this adventure that I haven't went through divorce and income going to zero and moving. I haven't went through that by myself. Everybody around me knows what I've been through. Every, like you can walk into random AA meetings and be like, Hey, what's Jerry Banfield going through? Like, well, he just got divorced last year and he's, he moved into this house and he's back on YouTube.
Like that's, that's to me is what is ideal is that level of transparency. And that's how I do the 10th step, the 11th step and the 12th step successfully is by remaining accountable. People know what I'm going through. People know what I'm doing. And that is what feels good and makes me want to keep going to meetings. I want to go to meetings on a good day to help lift people up. And I want to go to meetings on a bad day because I need help. I need to be lifted up. And I don't have that many bad days now, especially now that I got back on YouTube and playing video games, my emotions are, I have, I get high euphoric playing video games and I get down and frustrated playing video games and I'm stable again.
It was one of the hardest things I've been through in sobriety is not having my work figured out. I just shared at the meeting I went to yesterday that my work, I'm doing something useful for the world that also makes money is a big part of my ego, big part of feeling good, being validated. And it was hard writing books. I have 35 books I've published on Amazon. I published 10 more in the last year while I wasn't doing videos. So I was still doing a lot of content creation, but it was challenging to go through the day without the validation of my work and the validation of a woman.
And now I play video games and I do, several YouTube videos a day. There's all kinds of comments and hundreds of likes every day, thousands of views every day on my videos. That really fills me up. So when people say they have a God sized hole that they're trying to fill with alcohol, I say that you need to do your part for humanity. And then that hole will shrink. When I do my part for humanity, making YouTube videos, that hole shrinks. When I'm at home by myself, not doing any work, not going to an AA meeting, not taking care of my body with yoga, and not parenting my kids, and I'm just at home and I'm, struggling, like then that hole feels huge and it feels overwhelming.
But I'm doing my work and I'm doing my part for my kids and I'm doing my part to find another woman because dating often can be viewed as selfish and transactional. Like, I'd like a girl, to have some fun with, spend a night with, but I also, I want to give. I want to give because I know there's, probably we're at record numbers of single girls right now. There's a lot of girls who would love to have a man that they could be with. Like dating, and I've talked to so many people about dating over the years, especially in sobriety, and dating is something that you're not just doing for yourself.
Dating is for the other person also. It's like going to AA meetings is not just about my sobriety, but it's not just about everybody else's sobriety there too. It's about, to me, that, that real you're having that spiritual awakening through the 11th step when you're seeing the combining of self interest and serving others. When there's no longer is this, I am so selfish or I'm so selfless. It's like, I take care of myself. I am honest about what I want. And at the same time, I am constantly focusing on how can I give to others? How can I serve others? And those things become one.
Like doing this video is good for me, and it may be good for you. Dating is something that is good for me and good, whenever I find the right girl for them. But, even in the ones that hasn't been right with, I've got some interesting stories about them. They've got some interesting experiences with me. Even in the ones that didn't work out, it was an adventure. It made life more interesting. And for that, I'm super grateful. Now for me in dating, my sobriety and dating go very closely together. And the one thing I make sure I'm strict about in my dating is that I want a girl who's focused on health.
I want a girl who's not a big drinker at a minimum. I prefer a girl that's sober, the girl I'm going to go out with a week from now. It says she quit drinking, which is perfect. Most of the girls I go out with either don't drink at all, or they rarely drink or don't have any emotional attachment to drinking. Because one of the most dangerous things I could do is to date a girl who has an emotional hook on drinking, where she cares about drinking, where she couldn't easily just quit drinking without missing it or without resenting me. And I see the importance of dating someone who's also healthy, because I've taken my sobriety into the rest of my health also.
That same approach is exactly how I lost the weight and kept it off — I tell that whole story in How I Lost 80 Pounds and Transformed My Health.
When I am going without a drink every day, I can go without ultra processed foods every day easier than I can going without a drink. And I have all kinds of delicious foods. My body is absolutely fantastically healthy because I apply what I learned in my sobriety into eating. I read the Overeaters Anonymous book a few years ago, and I live today with like, I'm going to eat in a way that makes me feel good, nourishes my body. My primary purpose with eating is to nourish my body. And I avoid sensationalism when it comes to eating. I don't need that ice cream. I don't need those cookies.
I don't need that cake. And because then I have a lean body, then my body looks beautiful and it's easier to attract the kind of woman I want to attract. And I'm really grateful that I haven't put on any weight with getting divorced. I haven't resorted to like coping mechanisms. Now, some people might say video games are coping mechanisms. Video games are fun to me. And I'm really happy to see that I can play video games in moderation. I haven't played games in a few days. I haven't missed playing video games, but at the same time, I got a guy I met in early sobriety.
He's in early sobriety. And I'm going to meet up with him and play some video games with him later. And that's good for him. That's good for me. And it'll be good for the audience when I live stream it.
Living steps 10, 11, and 12 by default
I am grateful today I consistently live in 10, 11, and 12. And these are my defaults now. In fact, my first thought now is usually right. And it's kind of funny or interesting when it's not. Usually my first thought is, you're going to need to talk to your sponsor about this, or when you go into a meeting, or who can help you with this, or how can you help somebody else? The days that I've had the hardest times, I've relentlessly focused on how do I help somebody else? I'm struggling with my money. How do I help somebody else with their money? I'm struggling to feel like I have emotional sobriety.
Well, go help someone else who's having a bigger struggle than you. Like I'm struggling with dating. Well, go try and help somebody else who's having the same struggles as you. To me, that's the magic I learned in AA is whatever I'm struggling with, get out there and help somebody else with the same thing. And from there, you will get the help you need. I have a guy I've sponsored consistently for the last seven years, and his sobriety has been educational. He doesn't go to as many meetings as I do, but he has more to do. His life is more full than mine. He's married. He has several kids.
He has a full time job. He can barely make it to a meeting or two a week, but he still stays sober. He's consistently contacted me. And I look at it, that's working for him and I'm really happy it is. At the same time, that's not appropriate for me. I need to be at five meetings a week because that's five meetings a week I can help someone. That means if I'm having four meetings where all I have to share is experience, strength, and hope, and then one meeting each week where I'm like, all right, listen, I need some help with this. Help me understand this. That willingness to say I actually need help with this is the whole thing, so if there's a hard situation in your own recovery you've been carrying alone, you're welcome to schedule a one-on-one call with me and we'll sit down and look at it together.
And that's because of the work I do, like being on YouTube, I have more time to go do stuff like that. So I'm really grateful to have this to share for my 12 year sobriety journey.
Why I'm grateful for the hardest year
I'm grateful, one of the most powerful things I ever heard somebody say in AA is that their child passed away and they were able to thank God for the child passing away. And I thought that was crazy. I have two kids, a 10 year old daughter, a seven year old son. I thought that was crazy. So I talked to this guy after the meeting and I'm like, how, how could you say thank you for your child passing away? That's like the worst thing I can imagine. He says, well, Jerry, my child's already gone. So my choice is to either, say F you and complain and continue to react based on something that happened years ago, or to say thank you that that's already done.
And thank you that I can help somebody now who's been through that. He's like, Jerry, I can help parents who've lost kids because I've been through it. Just like you can help somebody with alcoholism because you've been through it and got sober. And now I'm so grateful I can help people much more effectively around divorce and around, job loss, content creation, all that stuff. I can help people who've been through divorce in a way I couldn't before. So I'm very grateful for my divorce last year. I'm very grateful. Like this has shown me my strength in sobriety and the strength of my program and the strength of everybody around me.
Cause I didn't do any of this by myself. I've had so many people have listened to me, who've helped me. And I've listened to them. I've had so many conversations about divorce and relationships that it's like people were waiting for me to have that experience in common with them before they talked about it. And I have a lot more empathy now. When I'd been married my whole sobriety and I'd been making lots of money and just, being famous and feeling like I was really important. I had often very little empathy and some people expressed after I'd been through the divorce and the income going to zero, they said, Jerry, I looked at you sometimes and I thought you didn't understand me because of what you said.
And now I see now with what you've been through, you do understand me. So I'm grateful. I'm for everything I've been through in sobriety, especially the stuff in the last year that unfortunately does take a lot of people out. And for me, it strengthened my sobriety. And I hope the message I communicate here is that everything you go through in your sobriety can strengthen it. I've seen people go through all kinds of things from losing kids to health, to divorces, to, everything you can imagine. And everything in your sobriety can strengthen it. If that's the story you'll tell. And if you'll ask for help explicitly and specifically with people, if you'll share exactly what's going on with you in an open meeting and trust that the main reaction you're going to get is people offer you the exact kind of help you need and accept sometimes it's worth the gossip.
If this resonates, you can follow along in my Life playlist.
It's worth the drama occasionally to get the help most of the time. So I really appreciate you watching this.
Own your story
The last thing about anonymity, some people in the past have criticized because I talk about my AA experience and they say 11th Tradition. I don't talk about your sobriety. I didn't mention anybody else's names, my sponsor's name. I didn't mention anybody else. I've maintained everybody else's anonymity. I have a right to share my story wherever I want to with whoever I want to, whenever I want to. To, regardless of the medium it goes out on. That's up to me. And that's not up to anybody else or AA or Traditions anything. This is me. This is free speech. This is carrying the message to the alcoholic who still suffers, which is step 12.
Now, I care a lot about everyone else's anonymity. And that, I encourage people, share your story. Own your story. Don't share somebody else's story, unless it's in a way that's generic and not identifiable. But share your story with as many people as you can. It keeps me accountable. On the days where I felt down, it's like, well, what about all those people who follow you, who care about you? What about all those people who know your story? It's like that kept me going. So I really appreciate you being a part of the story here. In another video.
A Room With 3,900 Years Sober
Originally published February 7, 2026.
This is my journal entry from February 7, 2026 — my real, unedited day, shared just as it happened.
The rats were going crazy last night. They were going all over the roof and I think they're up in the attic on the trees and stuff outside. It was nuts. I was having a hard time falling asleep because the rats constantly were doing something. So I ended up turning the HVAC back on with the space heater in there and blowing cold air in my face all night, which, in my experience, is not a good thing to do to your nose. Whoops. I just figured that out tonight as my nose is running like all day in the house and it stopped when I went outside and I spent hours outside and out of the house today. As soon as I get back home, it starts running again. I'm like, ah, crap. What did I do? Like, well, the house should not be sitting here with stagnant dry air at like 60 something degrees. Whoops. So I turned the air back up to 73. Good job, ChatGPT, on helping me figure that out.
I woke up today and I was wanting to go see a yoga instructor for the 7:15 yoga class because I haven't taken a class of hers in a week. I thought, I'm not setting an alarm. My body can just wake me up at that time if it wants to go. Sure enough, I wake up at like five something and I'm like, well, shit. I try and go back to sleep and I wake up then at 6:30. I'm like, all right, I guess you want to go to her class. So I end up dragging it out at like 6:50 to get out of bed. I throw down a Larabar. I go to her class and it's not a powerful one. It's all levels flow. Pretty restorative. Not too difficult, which is nice because between my nose and the rats, the sleep was a little off last night.
I get home, and today just feels like the day to work on the taxes. It's February 7th. I've got most of the stuff I need except it turns out when I go to my Coinbase account I'm not gonna have everything I need for them in order to do my crypto stuff, which I guess I'll have to wait for. But I put about three or four hours today into rolling through the taxes, sorting through all my old records and expenses. Currently it looks like I'm gonna have a very small profit last year, maybe like $10,000 or something, and that sucks. I got by with it, but I'd sure love to have a nice profit this year.
Meanwhile, I'm so excited I'm Seeking a Wife is up in Amazon ads, but it's not getting any impressions. I guess because it's running up to Valentine's Day, it's a high traffic time, and bids are up. So I finally end up yanking the price of my bid up to $2.34 a click, and I crank the budget up to $33 a day. And I turn off all my other ads. I want to focus all my ads on I'm Seeking a Wife. Because to me, this is the most interesting book I have to advertise. I'll create more. But right now, this is the only one I've got. So I might as well dump the entire budget I'm comfortable spending all into the book. And the click-through rate's been crazy low. So I should get tens of thousands of impressions on Amazon. And the question is, are those worth anything? Well, we're going to find out. Officer Banfield did drive a sale with similar metrics to what's possible here. So we shall see. What's most interesting is how much money do I need to spend on ads where I start getting girls contacting me consistently after seeing my book? Well, I intend to find out.
My mind's bringing fear and doubt in saying this Amazon ads plan is not going to work. You're screwed. And I'm like, well, dear intuition, please let me know what would work. And thanks. I'll just be ready to do whatever is going to work, to make enough money. I have so much passion for creating these books. I can't think of anything better for me to create. These books can last the test of time. And they can all lift each other up. They've got the variety of formats. From audio to print. To even a Kindle and a physical copy. I think that's ideal. I want to keep doing this. And I'm going to do it until I see another better idea. Or for some reason I can't. And I hope we're going to avoid the I can't scenario.
The kids come over as I'm getting to a stopping point in the taxes, and they're off today. They're fighting with each other. They're, you know, hitting, slapping, and I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do with them because I don't want to threaten and punish them anymore. I'm so over that. And my ex-wife used the tools she knew how to use with the threatening and the punishing, but this is my house, and I'm tired of trying to manage my kids with threats and punishment. I'm not going to do that anymore. Unfortunately, that leaves me not knowing what the hell I should do. Because I'm not going to threaten things. I'm not going to come up with punishments. But I don't know how I can try and navigate their behavior. It ends up with my daughter slapping my son after he slaps her. And of course, I'm asking them to stop. I would love to have fun together, and they're not hearing any of that. I'm trying to hold the space and forgive them, and none of that matters. My daughter slaps my son harder than he hit her. He cries for a while. Then she goes to the park to sit in a tree to try and get some space. She brings her cup of tea. And I carry her back to my house a couple hundred yards, which was good for some nice snuggles. I go back to the park and I'd left my son at the playground with the other kids there. And right when they're leaving, I get back to pick him up. So he's happy having his time to play with them. We get home and my ex-wife gets there about 20 minutes later. If you're done managing your kids with threats and punishment but don't yet know what to put in its place, schedule a one-on-one call with me and we'll talk it through on our call.
This morning, one of my friends from AA said that I should come to this big AA dinner tonight. And having nothing other than an AA meeting I was going to do, I decided to go. I drive up the coast to a banquet hall, and I had enough food for the whole day beforehand in case the food was crap. I get there, and it actually looks like they got some nice salads set up. Like, there's a nice salad bar, so I'm optimistic I'll have a little bowl of salad at least. I go around and talk to my sponsor and the friend who gave me this $40 ticket for free as a gift, which was nice. I talked to some of the other people there. There's some attractive women out, but none that seem to have any interest in me. I have lots of great conversations with the guys though and with one of the older ladies. Hit some interesting details about different people's relationships and dating and criminal histories. You know, the usual stuff that you enjoy at AA meetings.
I then am there for the sobriety countdown. I'm happy to stand up at 11 years. I feel like I'm a baby in this room though because there's a guy with 65 years sober. Then nobody else in the room has even 55 years sober. But below that, once we hit somebody around like 49 or so years sober, somebody has that year sober every year all the way down on the countdown. Between when you add all the alcoholics up, we had like 3900 years of sobriety or something like that in a room. It was pretty cool.
After the sobriety countdown, my friend goes to leave. So I walk him out to the car and he tells me to open my heart and put out loving energy towards the people in a room. And I said, you know, I'm happy to do that when it's a hot girl at yoga. And maybe I'll widen the amount of time I do that. Maybe I shouldn't just be putting that loving energy out when it's a hot girl at yoga like the woman from my class. I haven't been thinking of her as much today, but I still love the little exchange we had, the time we had together yesterday. And I'm getting back more into reality instead of fantasy, which is reasonable.
At the same time, I'm grateful I'm tapping into a fuller side of my imagination lately, and not just about sex but picturing all the other things, like the talking and the dating and how we met and the first time out and exchanging numbers, instead of just watching porn or limiting my fantasies to sexual encounters. Because really, the process of finding my second wife, the whole thing would be sacred. I love all the memories I have of my ex-wife and I first meeting and dating and our early conversations were so special. And I'm so excited to have that again with somebody else. And I'm refusing to get into fear and doubt. I'm going to follow the path of joy and I'm going to trust that it's going to lead to more joy, right? Because that's logical. If I'm living joyfully today, if I'm helping people today, if I feel wealthy today, if I enjoy where I'm at today, if I'm excited for the relationship that's coming, then good things are going to keep happening, right? That seems logical. If you're trying to choose the path of joy over fear and doubt while you rebuild your life, and you want someone to talk it through with, book a private call with me and bring it to our call.
I am almost done with The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav, and that's been helping me raise my vibe. Not that I agree with everything in the book, especially karma. Like, yeah, something today looked like some instant karma, but at the same time, it also looked a bit over the top, more than what would seem to merit it. That said, the whole karma thing and the path that everyone's going to ascend positively, I think there's another way to look at it. I think some people ascend through negativity, through utter unrelenting selfishness. That some path of enlightenment is to be absolutely, constantly selfish and to consider no one besides yourself. And that's a valid path to enlightenment also. Maybe my book, my book will say that.
I was thinking about working on a book this morning, and I'm thinking about writing a book about money called I'm Seeking Money. And I've done so much on the taxes now, and I thought I'd just put out, since I'm Seeking a Wife is out, I don't need to be in a hurry to put out I'm Seeking Money right afterwards. But I want to get a bunch, at least five or ten of these books out and test them in ads. Because if I can do that in a month or two, I'll know whether that business system is going to work or not. And if it works, we'll be printing money, baby, and I'd love that. I'd love that. I also finally get a friend's book submitted today. After she started dictating it months ago, the audiobook is submitted. And I think that means everything's done.
After I walked my friend out, I sat through some of the speech from the AA speaker tonight. And, you know, he was above average, I'd say. Of course, I figure I could have done a better job if I'd got up there. But, you know, that's just my humility talking. That said, he is up there and I'm not. And I headed out after we did the Lord's Prayer. I didn't see or feel anything happening. I was ready to get back home and shower, maybe get in bed a little bit earlier tonight and have a little time to read, dictate this, and I guess that's enough for today.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.
Emotional Sobriety Is the Whole Point
Originally published October 27, 2025.
This is my journal entry from October 27, 2025, part of my daily autobiography Book 5 — Daily Autobiography — my real, unedited days, published in order.
What a day in the shitter—at least for the first half of it. I woke up already sad, still carrying the feeling from two nights ago when I got a couple of small hours talking to a girl and then had to face the fact that she doesn’t like me back. That quiet letdown lingered into the morning. I picked the kids up, took them to school, and headed to yoga with my spirit already cracked and dragging. I kept telling myself it was fine, because that’s my default, but it wasn’t. I put my mat down in the front left, second row, trying to ground myself and do the thing that’s supposed to help me reset.
Then the woman from yoga shows up. She lays her mat down in the third row. I barely notice her before class starts, but of course I notice her. I know she’s there, and I already know what I’m not going to do: I’m not saying anything to her. Fuck that. I grab my mat and blocks and bolt. A yoga instructor says, “Hey, hey, don’t get up too fast,” but I’m already gone. I’m out. She didn’t say anything to me when she came in, tried to stay hidden, didn’t show up to class before, and now suddenly she’s here. Fine. I throw my yoga mat in the trunk and immediately call myself out. You’re a petty bitch. That’s what you are. You could have been nice. You could have said good morning. Instead, you’re choosing to be petty, and you know it. And then I justify it anyway: fuck it, I’m going to be petty this morning. Fair is fair, right? She didn’t show up, now she’s here, and she doesn’t even want me to see her. Fine.
That’s when it lands how lame I’ve become. I see it clearly for a second. I realize I need to get back on the dating apps. I fucking suck right now. I feel desperate and sad, and any girl who smiles at me or talks to me for two seconds, my brain jumps straight to, oh, marry me. Oh, fuck. That’s not good. So I tell myself I need to get back into the apps—not because I want to, but because I have to. I just need to use them better, not be such a crackhead about it. Do my swipes and get out instead of spiraling.
So I open my mind and get back on the apps, and one profile immediately delivers something wild — a woman whose profile basically announces she’s a freak and wants a partner who’s open to all kinds of things. I’m sitting there processing it, a little out of my depth, and then catching myself: who am I to judge what someone’s into? I’ve always thought people are way more varied in their desires than they admit. Then I start trying to be funny about it, because every profile says she wants a guy who’s funny, and I’m like, I’m fucking funny, listen to this shit, this is funny.
Then I shut myself down again. No, Jerry, this isn’t funny. This is just you being a lame asshole. And then I laugh at how my brain runs off the rails the second I let it.
That’s when I realize these journals are actually helping. I’m not censoring myself here. I’m just being honest. If people don’t like it, then fuck them. This is me telling the truth about my day as it actually runs through my head, not some cleaned-up, respectable version. I’m not going to sanitize it or pretend it’s something it’s not. This is just me, rationalizing and spiraling like I do every day, fully aware that some people are going to leave a one-star review and say it’s too much, ew, I’m out of here. Fine. Suck it.
After yoga and fully realizing what a petty bitch I’d been, I go home and feel… oddly satisfied. There’s a little hit of vindication in it. I’m like, yeah, that’s right. You had too much of me. Fine. You don’t get any of me today. Now we’ll see if she’s there tomorrow. I sit with that for a moment, then go straight into stuffing my face with hummus and carrots and celery and whatever else I can find, because I’m a plant-based bitch. I think about those dating profiles where the very first photo is some goddamn steak, and I’m like, yeah, me and this woman are not about to date right now. We’re not aligned. I head off to my AA meeting after that. My sponsor’s there. Nobody calls on me, which feels intentional, like they can all see exactly what kind of sad, petty bitch I am this morning. I imagine what it would sound like if they did call on me: yeah, I met the woman I met, talked to her for two hours, fell in love, she doesn’t want to talk to me back, my marriage fucked my whole life, thanks for listening. So yeah, nobody calls on me, and honestly, that’s probably for the best.
Then my massage therapist texts me and says she had a fucked-up night, isn’t feeling well, and can’t do the massage. I’m like, bitch, it’s thirty minutes before we’re supposed to meet. I’ve got no time to arrange a substitute. I still text a friend just in case—hey, you got anything?—and she’s like, no. My massage therapist says she can see me tomorrow, and I’m like, fuck, I hope you’re actually there. So no massage today. I go home instead and install Hinge. I’m officially back on the apps. I even ask ChatGPT to go over my dating profile, and honestly, it does a good job. I realize Hinge lets you sort by women who are online today, which feels like a small mercy. At least I’m not wasting time on dead prompts and abandoned profiles.
The best part is this one prompt. Hinge asks, “Dating me is like…” and I screenshot my whole profile, dump it into ChatGPT, and let it go to work. It knows a lot about me at this point from all my audiobooks, so it spits out: Dating me is like yoga—sometimes intense, sometimes silly, always worth staying for savasana. I laugh out loud the first time I read it. I’m like, shit, that’s actually good. That’s funny. So I swipe on all these women today. Want to guess how many matches I get? Zero. It’s fine, though. I swipe left on a lot too. I know I have a real preference for someone who shares my active, health-focused lifestyle — I live on a plant-based diet, I do yoga and tennis every day, and I used to weigh 250 pounds myself, so I know firsthand how much that lifestyle matters to me. That’s just honestly what I’m looking for in a partner.
It’s a little sad, too, because you can tell some people are presenting a version of themselves that isn’t quite current — the first photo is the most flattering and the rest tell a different story. I notice it and judge it, and then I catch myself doing it, which is its own thing to sit with.
And then my brain spins off into some ridiculous business idea about coaching people on the stuff that’s worked for me — a whole plant-based diet, The Body Keeps the Score, that kind of thing — and I immediately laugh at how that would never fly as a dating-app opener. Still, not bad brainstorming for a guy who isn’t making much right now, living off his soon-to-be ex-wife, writing books, and trying to figure himself out on dating apps. This really is good material, though, right? See, I am funny. Listen to how much I’m making myself laugh right now.
I have this moment where I wonder how well this is even going to transcribe, but then I’m like, ChatGPT can figure that shit out. Do what you’re told, bitch. Take out all the fucked-up stuff I said and turn this into a nice politically correct book so it doesn’t sound like I’m insane. Which is hilarious, because that’s exactly the opposite of what I want. This is me, uncensored. This is the real material.
Later, after I pick the kids up from school, I go to my AA meeting. I tell my ex-wife straight up what a sad, petty bitch I’ve been today. Right when I pick the kids up, they ask to go to McDonald’s. I’m like, no. Fuck McDonald’s. I’m tired of McDonald’s. We’re not going. And they get pissy and start ripping on me, and I finally snap a little and say, listen, I’m already in the shitter today. You don’t need to pile on right now. I’ve already had a shitty day. And weirdly enough, the whole thing turns around when I tell them about how petty I was with the woman from yoga at yoga that morning. I even think for a second, what are the odds the woman from yoga ever listens to this? Like zero, right? Maybe one percent. Whatever. This is just what it looks like from my point of view. Just show up when you say you’re going to come to a yoga class. Don’t try to sneak off from me. If you’re done, just tell me to my face. Say, listen, you’re too old, get away from me, or whatever. No one would actually say that, because I don’t look old in person. Maybe the four and the one on my profile scare some people off. But still—you can’t handle it. You can’t handle the truth. Every day, that’s what this is.
For a second I think this should be a podcast. Then I shut that down immediately. Fuck podcasts. I’m not doing that anymore.
So I go to my AA meeting after my ex-wife basically confirms, without saying it directly, that she was absolutely right to divorce me. Yep. Good call. You nailed that one. At the meeting, I bring up emotional sobriety as the topic. I tell them, look, to me, emotional sobriety is the actual goal of this whole program. It’s not about becoming some flatlined, dead zombie who doesn’t feel anything. Emotional sobriety, to me, is being able to feel the full range of emotions and not completely lose my mind when they show up. Saying that out loud feels good. That’s when my day really starts to turn around. Learning to feel the full range without losing your mind is so much easier with people walking it next to you, and if that’s where you are, you can set up a call with me.
I share in that room the same way I’m sharing here—maybe with slightly fewer of the crudest comments, but honestly not by much. Plenty of swearing. Plenty of honesty. Talking about what I’ve been doing, what I’ve been thinking, and where I’m at. And it works. It actually works.
And the day really did start to turn around. I find myself thinking, you know what, I’m actually proud that I can feel this much. I think back to Saturday—two days ago—and how high I was then. I remember how I sounded, euphoric, riding that wave, telling myself, oh my God, I’m going to find the hottest twenty-nine-year-old, have some kids with her, and that’s going to be really good. Then Sunday shows up and corrects the story. No, you’re not. Not that one, at least. Maybe another one. Maybe that one later. Who knows. Maybe she’ll see me at the next ecstatic dance, realize she was totally wrong not to date me, feel deeply sorry, and suddenly need me immediately and want me every day. That’s possible. I’m not saying it’s probable, but because I just said it, there’s some universe where that’s exactly how it plays out.
Either way, the AA meeting is genuinely therapeutic. I keep coming back to this idea that emotional sobriety is being able to handle life without acting insane or becoming a pain in the ass to everyone around you. That lands for me. I feel proud of that. After the meeting, there’s a girl there—she’s hot—but we’re not compatible. A friend already tried dating her and it turned into a disaster, so that’s a hard no. She’s nice, she’s a friend, and she’s been very supportive of my work. I’m not mentioning her by name because she might actually listen to this. If it’s you, you’ll know it’s you. And if it’s not you—which is pretty much everyone—you’ll know it’s not you. She was going through her own obsession with dating a guy, and I find myself thinking how similar our situations really are. We’re not on different sides of this. We’re in the same adventure, the same mess. It doesn’t matter whether someone’s genitals are different from yours or not—you’re operating in the same basic emotional environment.
After that, I have a tennis lesson with the new coach, and it’s great. He helps me see that I’m doing a lot of things right, while also pointing out where I need to improve. I need to stay more on my toes, pay closer attention to where my legs are going, and set myself up for easier shots instead of getting lazy and just standing there whacking at the ball without giving it real attention. That clicks, and it connects to something I’d been thinking about: presence. The idea that instead of checking out and fantasizing my way through things, I should actually be present — embodied, paying attention to what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
And then I immediately think, oh goddamn it, Jerry. I thought I could handle how raw this is, but my mind keeps pushing it further, because that’s what it does — toward curiosity about what I’m actually open to, what I haven’t tried, what I’ve assumed about myself. The principle underneath it stays the same: practice the way you want to play. Be present. Be aware. I crack myself up chasing these thoughts down, thinking, see, I’m funny.
I start wondering if this is dark humor, because the more fucked up it gets, the more I laugh. The more inappropriate it is, the funnier it feels to me. ChatGPT keeps trying to give me these clever little prompts for my dating profile—dad-joke energy—and I’m like, I swear to God, if you put dad jokes in my goddamn profile again, I’m going to shove this fucking phone up your artificial asshole.
My dating profile says I’m forty-one and I’ve got two kids, and yeah, this is probably why you’re divorced, isn’t it. So you can be in the house at 10:55 p.m. telling non-dad jokes—the real jokes, the kind of shit teenagers would laugh at and say, oh, this motherfucker’s sick, I love it. I start imagining this turning into something else entirely, like I’m going to end up on tour reading this stuff out loud, the audiobook stand-up comedian. It’s funny because this is exactly the kind of material you don’t hear at comedy clubs. It’s too nasty for that. Then I lose my place for a second and have to rewind mentally, because I just bulldozed through about five different thoughts at once.
Back to that idea of presence. The reason it keeps coming up is the principle: you have to practice the way you want to play. You don’t go out on the field throwing footballs into the sidelines during practice and then expect to magically hit a receiver in stride during the game. You practice exactly how you want to perform. So I’m thinking, I don’t want to keep checking out and picturing someone who isn’t there, because then when I’m actually with a real partner, my mind is somewhere else entirely. I already know I’ve done that before — even in my marriage — and it left me feeling like shit. That’s what happens when you practice your sexuality that way for a decade or two. You train yourself into it.
I think about how early all this started for me — basically from the moment I learned how everything worked in sex ed. Once I figured it out, I was like, this is something we should be doing every day. It’s like a completely legal thing that works every time. That thought spirals into a memory of someone recently telling me they were having trouble sleeping, and me thinking that putting the phone down and getting that release before bed would probably help them more than they’d expect.
I sleep like a baby, though. I get all this crazy shit out of my head, take care of myself, and I’m out cold. The irony is that I’m actually starting to dread the routine of it. And then I catch myself again — if I don’t want to be checked out, fantasizing about other people, when I’m with a real partner, then maybe I shouldn’t be practicing that every night either. So what am I supposed to do with that?
My half-serious solution is that maybe I should just put my phone number back on my website and let people give me advice. And then I immediately imagine how badly that could go — some random text months from now referencing this exact rambling monologue, long after I’ve forgotten I ever recorded it. Right. That.
Somehow that thought reminds me of something else entirely. There are a lot of beautiful Black women on these apps, and I notice I’m drawn to them — and that’s probably where I should stop for the night.
I haven’t dated a Black woman before — I tried once and it didn’t work out — but I saw some beautiful Black women on the apps today and caught myself genuinely interested. There’s nothing wrong with finding someone attractive. It’s one of those moments where I realize my riffing sounds better out loud, because on the page my brain just looks unhinged. That’s the tradeoff.
I try to remember if anything else even happened today. Oh yeah — I got on Bumble after the meeting, because everyone keeps telling me Bumble is where it’s at. Not much luck. Then someone actually liked me back — one of the women I’d noticed. She wants kids, which I appreciate, though she’s around forty and clearly put it off for a while. Then I see she lives in Orlando, and that’s the dealbreaker — I’m not trying to date two hours away. So that was that.
And speaking of Jesus, I’ve been meaning to go off on this for a while. I see these profiles where the first line is “follower of Christ,” and I think, that guy lived two thousand years ago — how are you still following him? People who followed me online last year stopped because I deleted everything, so I genuinely don’t get the staying power. Why do people care so much about a figure from that far back? To me it feels like one of the most obvious mind-control stories of all time. And then I hear myself: okay, Jerry, now you’ve really crossed a line, going off on religion. But this is honestly how my mind works.
I genuinely struggle to understand how people take this so seriously. He lived two thousand years ago, and I’m supposed to organize my life around how much he loves me? Even if he’s still around in some form, I can’t imagine he’s thrilled with the state of organized Christianity or the way a lot of people practice it. That’s my honest read on it.
I remember when I was getting sober, how desperate I got — desperate enough to pray to Jesus, which tells you how bad it was. I’d pray not to drink, and my mind would just keep chanting drink, drink, drink anyway. Eventually I figured the program and the people around me were doing the actual work, not the prayers. If you’re in your own hard stretch and want to talk through what actually helps when you’re desperate, you can book a one-on-one call with me and we’ll work through it together. That experience is a big part of why organized religion doesn’t land for me. I’m just being honest about where I am with it.
I see these profiles where women say they want a man who goes to church, and I think: I’m old enough now that I don’t need someone telling me how to live my life. I don’t need to sit in a room while someone explains what’s good and bad and threatens me with hell. The one that gets me is the profile covered in Christianity that also has a drink in every single picture. So it’s fine as long as you believe the right things? That contradiction is what I can’t get past.
At some point even I hear myself and think, alright, this rant is getting tired. Half the audience probably doesn’t care about this one. Still, I swipe on some of these religious women anyway, because part of me just wants the chance to say: if you want church, sit and listen to me talk for an hour — I guarantee I’m more interesting than the sermon, because I’m talking about real life instead of droning through a passage of scripture. I know that’s a lot of attitude packed into one impression.
So I reset again and pull up my Hinge profile. I’m thinking, alright, this is getting matches from out of town, but can I get someone closer to home? I look at my bio and start explaining it to myself. I went to ChatGPT and asked, what do women complain about most? And it comes back with: men are emotionally unavailable, addicted to shit, bad at communication, only want casual sex, aren’t good listeners, and take life too seriously. Alright. Cool. Watch this.
My profile starts with: Emotionally available. Then: Eleven years sober and a super communicator. That knocks out three of the biggest complaints in the first sentence, in like ten words. Then I add: I see my two kids every day and want at least two more. Very real talk. That’s why I’m here — I’m not on this app just for something casual, I’m on it because I actually want more kids.
Back to my profile. My friends say I’m a great listener, honest enough to say what we’re all thinking, and that I should be a stand-up comedian. And yeah, maybe I should. But I don’t want to just stand on a stage telling jokes. I want it to be real talk. Let me tell you how my day actually went. Maybe I’ve practiced this enough that I could do it. Maybe I really should get up at an open mic and just drop this exactly like this, then say, listen to my audiobooks, and walk off. Drop the mic. That actually sounds kind of perfect.
So let me read the Hinge profile again, because I keep interrupting myself. Emotionally available. Eleven years sober. A super communicator. I see my kids every day and want at least two more. My friends say I’m a great listener, honest enough to say what we’re all thinking, and that I should be a stand-up comedian. It’s 11:07 p.m., so it’s about time to wrap this whole thing up.
I get home, finish setting up my profile on Bumble, fill all that shit out, and then I’m like, yeah, if you could just find me a woman who’s actually hot, wants kids, and will fuck me every day, that would be great. Maybe she’s got some money too, so I don’t have to work and I can just do shit like this all day, along with yoga and tennis. That would be ideal. I think I’ve gotten most of it out at this point. What did I have for dinner? Nobody gives a fuck what you had for dinner, bro. I had a salad, since you asked. I tossed it. That’s it.
I’m laughing to myself thinking, fuck listening to somebody else’s stand-up comedy. I’m just going to see how many times I can make myself laugh doing this. Because really, that’s the bottom line. Those are guaranteed laughs. Guaranteed. And then I can already hear the imaginary critic: you shouldn’t curse so much. Yeah, yeah. Some people aren’t going to want to listen to this, and that’s fine — it’s not for them.
I go down the street and say goodnight to the kids. Put them to bed. Sing to them. Do all that good stuff. I feel like I’m doing good enough as a dad. Then I go over to see my mom, and she helps cheer me up when I’m feeling low. I tell her about the woman I met and the message she sent me. What’s funny is how different people react to the same thing. I show the message to my ex-wife, and she looks pretty put off by it. Then I show it to one of the women at the AA meeting, who’s actually close to her age, and she’s like, oh, that’s a nice message. And I’m like, what is nice about that message? That she doesn’t have time for me over the next month? That maybe she’ll see me later? That our conversation didn’t mean shit to her? That we’re “great friends”? How are we great friends? I have her phone number. I talked to her for a couple of hours one night. How does that make us great friends?
And then I think about how funny it would be if the woman I met actually listened to this. Even funnier if there was some kind of watch party or listening party with the woman I met, the woman from yoga, and everyone else I talk about in here, all sitting around listening to this shit together. Honestly, I’d show up for that. I’d want to be there for that.
Oh—and I’ve been listening to Charlie Sheen’s autobiography today, The Book of Sheen. I’ve actually been enjoying it. At the same time, I’m listening and thinking, alright, Charlie Sheen is interesting, but my shit is funny too. What I’m doing here is funny. I even shook Charlie Sheen’s hand once, which still makes me laugh. I felt dirty afterward, like I needed to wash my hands immediately. My ex-wife and I went to his “Winning” tour right after he got canceled, which I can relate to a lot more now than I could back then. And honestly, I’ll be happy if I don’t get canceled myself for doing such deeply inspiring comedy as this.
At some point I realize it’s checkout time for the day. I also had one of those required divorce courses playing in the background while I was swiping on Bumble. It’s brutal. They start talking about child abuse and domestic violence, and I’m like, I don’t need this right now. I don’t need to hear about kids getting hurt or people getting beaten at home. I’m already fried. Click. Click. Click. I just run out the clock on the course, because you have to sit there for a certain amount of time. Then it makes you write things. Define abuse. I’m like, when something fucked up happens, that’s abuse. I don’t actually put that. I try to clean it up and write something like willfully being an asshole and physically hurting someone. Whatever. Close enough.
By this point, I’m spent. I’ve talked myself out for the day. Maybe one person out there will like this dark sense of humor. One of these profiles keeps saying how funny she wants a guy to be, and I’m like, I’m funny. Listen to this. Tell me I’m not funny.
Alright. I’m stopping. Jesus, please help me stop. Oh fuck. It’s working.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.
Emotional Sobriety After 10 Years: What I Learned Along the Way
Originally published April 22, 2024.
I have been sober since my last drink on April 21, 2014, and my sobriety date is April 22. People ask what the milestones mean, and my honest answer is that the number of years matters less than the practices that carried me through them. What keeps me sober is going to about five AA meetings a week, being rigorously honest with my sponsor, and staying connected to people. Emotional sobriety is the part that decides whether those years are good ones. To me it does not mean being flat. It means I can handle my feelings, have very intense ups and very intense downs, and nobody gets hurt, including me.
I said this at a meeting in October 2025: emotional sobriety is the real goal of the whole program, not becoming a numb zombie who feels nothing. That view took years to form. You can see it develop across the posts below, from the early story of how I got sober to the hardest year I have lived through in sobriety. Here is how my thinking changed, oldest to newest.
My first long talk on this was my seven-year speaker meeting, AA Speaker Meeting, Celebrating 7 Years Sober, from 2021. It is mostly about how I got sober. I was sitting in a parking lot between a Massage Envy and a Publix liquor store, terrified of both, and I picked the massage. During it, three clear thoughts came to me: get a sponsor, finish the Big Book, and go to five meetings a week. The fifth step is where my secrets finally came out.
The ten-year post, 10 Years Sober: From Hopeless to Happy, Joyous, and Free, shows the other half of the story. The urge to drink came back after I thought I was fixed, and two meetings a week was not enough. A woman with 20 years sober suggested a massage, and that broke the obsession open. From there came a sponsor, the rest of the Big Book, and five meetings a week. By April 2024 my life was better than I could have imagined.
The January 2024 chapter, From Hopeless Alcoholic to 10 Years Happily Sober, names the breakthrough I still think about most. I realized that sober, I was insane, and that my sober thinking was a bigger problem than the drinking itself. The drinking was a symptom. That is the foundation under the emotional sobriety I talk about now.
Going back further, my memoir excerpt, The Three Thoughts That Kept Me From Drinking, describes standing in my kitchen with an open bottle of vodka, still sober. The thoughts were that drinking would make me stupid, that it would prove I did not love the people I said I loved, and that it would make me a liar after I promised an old-timer I would call him first. At the time they felt like messages from God. Looking back, they were my subconscious answering the question I was finally asking with sincerity.
The hardest year is in Long-Term Emotional Sobriety in Action (12 Years Sober). In June 2025 I burned out on YouTube and my income stopped. My wife and I decided to divorce, and I moved out. My lowest point came the Sunday before Thanksgiving. I told my kids something about the divorce that was not accurate, and I corrected it the same morning, owning my part. Through all of it I kept going to about five meetings a week and calling my sponsor, and I believe that is why I stayed sober.
Two journal entries show the same idea in smaller moments. In Emotional Sobriety Is the Whole Point, from October 2025, I was raw and petty after a bad morning, and saying the truth out loud at a meeting turned the day around. In A Room With 3,900 Years Sober, from February 2026, I felt like a baby next to a man with 65 years sober.
The last idea, from Face the Pain Now Sober and a Better Life Arrives After, is about small things. I drank to numb 10 or 20 small problems and never dealt with them. Sober, I learned to feel the small pain, ask for help, and fix one thing at a time. Below you will find a contents list and then every post on this subject in full, newest first. For more context, see Alcoholics Anonymous: The 12 Steps, Meetings and Sponsors or my drinking story.
On this page
Every post I have written on this subject is below in full, newest first, each under its own heading.
- The Three Thoughts That Kept Me From Drinking (June 21, 2026)
- Face the Pain Now Sober and a Better Life Arrives After (June 17, 2026)
- Long-Term Emotional Sobriety in Action (12 Years Sober) (June 15, 2026)
- A Room With 3,900 Years Sober (February 7, 2026)
- Emotional Sobriety Is the Whole Point (October 27, 2025)
The Three Thoughts That Kept Me From Drinking
Originally published June 21, 2026.
This is an excerpt from my full-life memoir, Un Fn Myself — my real story of addiction, recovery, fatherhood, and everything in between from 1984 to 2026, including the parts most people would cut out.
That fear finally pushed me to start reading AA literature like my life depended on it. I eventually made it through the first 164 pages of the Alcoholics Anonymous book, and I’ll be honest: as much as people in AA rave about how incredible the Big Book is, I did not think it was great the first time through. I thought whoever wrote it was trying way too hard to sound smart, like they were constantly flipping through a thesaurus to impress me. I remember thinking, this fucking idiot should just talk in plain language instead of using all these fancy words. The 1930s phrasing drove me nuts, with references to whoopee parties and other outdated nonsense. And when it got to things like resentment lists, my reaction was immediate: I’m not doing that shit. No thanks. As I worked through most of the book, it felt like nothing was really sinking in.
Then I got to the stories, and that’s when things started to shift. Little moments kept happening. One night, I was deep into the stories section, and I read about someone who realized they didn’t have to drink and didn’t want to drink. That stopped me cold. I thought, shit, I don’t have to drink. I already knew that logically—nobody had a gun to my head forcing alcohol down my throat—but seeing it framed that way made it click differently. Then I realized something else: I didn’t want to drink. I didn’t want to consciously destroy myself and my life. If I didn’t have to drink and I didn’t want to drink, then what the hell was left? For the first time in a long while, I felt a real moment of peace. I thought, you know what, I think I’m going to be okay. That insight came probably three hundred pages into the book. The stories worked for me in a way the first 164 pages never did. Those early chapters mostly just warmed me up and made me curious about my own story.
On another day, I was completely batshit crazy. I had accumulated a ridiculous amount of liquor and decided to get rid of it. I returned four unopened handles to the liquor store—two bottles of strawberry Smirnoff and two bottles of Admiral Nelson’s vanilla rum. I poured the two open bottles down the drain and recycled them. I made sure there was no alcohol in the house that belonged to me. The problem was that my ex-wife still had a 750 ml bottle of vanilla vodka, some vanilla-caramel holiday flavor she’d bought to make a specific drink for her family the previous Christmas. It was July, and she hadn’t touched that bottle since December, but I knew exactly where it was. One day while my ex-wife was at work, I took that bottle out. I told myself I was teasing myself, thinking that if I even smelled it, I’d have to drink it. At the same time, I was praying to stay sober and becoming painfully aware of how insane this behavior was. I took the cap off the bottle and smelled it, and somehow, even then, I didn’t drink. I stood there praying, holding a bottle of vodka in my hand, still sober.
That’s when three very distinct thoughts crossed my mind. At the time, it felt like they were messages from God or something divine. Looking back, I understand it differently. This was my subconscious doing exactly what it does. When I was praying to stay sober, I was effectively asking my subconscious to search through everything it knew and pull out whatever thoughts or ideas might help me not drink. That’s it. No mystery. Just my mind responding to the question I was finally asking with complete sincerity.
What’s difficult about early sobriety—and about changing any deeply ingrained habit—is that you’re working directly against your autopilot. It’s like flying a plane with the autopilot locked in one direction. To change course, you have to consciously disengage it, take manual control, and steer somewhere new, all while trying to reprogram the system so it doesn’t immediately snap back. That’s hard, especially when you’re exhausted and scared. That was exactly where I was, standing there with a bottle of vodka open in my hand, smelling it, suspended in this moment of manual control while my autopilot screamed for relief. Disengaging that autopilot is brutal to do alone, which is why, if you're standing in a moment like that yourself, you can schedule a one-on-one call with me and take manual control with people steering right alongside you.
That’s when the first of those three thoughts hit me. The thought was simple and brutal: you are stupid if you drink this vodka right now. That landed hard because it went straight at my ego. My ego had receipts. I’d scored a 1410 on the SAT (back when the top score was 1600), somewhere in the top ninety-something percentile. I’d always done well on standardized tests. I had a master’s degree. My self-image was wrapped tightly around the idea that I was an intelligent person. But looking down at that open bottle, the counterargument was undeniable. Not if you drink this. You know by now that you should never, ever drink again. If you drink this vodka, you’re a fucking idiot. That’s the truth about you. If you don’t drink it, then maybe you get to try to prove you’re smart again. But if you drink it, you’re stupid. Period. That was deeply humbling. I remember thinking, damn, I don’t want to be stupid. If drinking makes me stupid, that’s a problem. That thought didn’t come out of nowhere. I’d been praying to stay sober, listening to people share in meetings, and my subconscious finally lined all that information up and delivered it bluntly: if you want sobriety, accept that drinking means you’re not smart. That’s the deal.
I was still holding the bottle, still smelling it, still debating, when the second thought surfaced. Part of it was clearly connected to something I’d heard in meetings. There was a guy who later became my sponsor who used to say, “Booze is caca.” I remember thinking, are you dumb enough to drink shit? Is that really how fucking stupid you are? And standing there in my kitchen, that framing suddenly worked. No, I’m not that stupid. I’m not dumb enough to knowingly consume something I understand is poison. That idea cut through the romantic bullshit I still had about alcohol and reduced it to something disgusting and absurd.
Then the third thought came, and it went even deeper. The realization was this: if I actually cared about my family, I wouldn’t drink. The truth was uncomfortable and hard to escape. If I drank, I didn’t really give a shit about my ex-wife, my mother, or my brother. I could say I loved them all I wanted, but my actions would prove otherwise. I told myself I loved my ex-wife so much. I said I loved my mom so much. But there I was, my ex-wife at work, my mother having just lost her husband of over thirty years, and her son standing alone with a bottle of vodka, trying to relapse. Did that look like a son who loved his mother? Did that look like a husband who loved his wife? Or did it look like someone insane, trying to poison himself?
My mind kept going. I pictured what it would be like if I were my ex-wife. I imagined her coming home from work around 5:30 p.m. I knew that if I relapsed, I’d turn “Fack” on and blast it loud. She wouldn’t even need to walk into the house to know what was happening. She’d hear the music first—the bass thumping, the noise of zombies getting slaughtered, the chaos bleeding out into the garage. She might not even step inside. But if she did, she’d smell the liquor immediately. I pictured her standing there, taking it all in, and I imagined exactly how she would feel: miserable, hopeless, crushed. This woman I claimed to love would be emotionally destroyed by something I had complete control over.
That’s when the responsibility became unavoidable. Nobody else controlled this moment. She couldn’t stop the relapse. My mom couldn’t stop it. No one else had any power here but me. I could stop it, or I could choose not to. Seeing it that clearly was devastating. It made the whole thing look crazy and sad instead of tempting. Yes, if I drank, I was stupid. And the truth was, if I drank, I didn’t actually love anyone I said I loved. My actions would prove that I didn’t love my ex-wife, I didn’t love my mother, and I didn’t even love myself. And that realization landed like a punch to the chest.
The third thought came right after that, and it might have hit me the hardest of all: if you drink, you are a liar. That realization was tied to a promise I had made to an old-timer in my meeting, who has since passed away. He was one of those people who positioned himself right by the exit to catch newcomers like me before we could bolt. That was my routine back then. I’d show up right before the meeting started, sit down, listen, share, and then leave the second it ended. I didn’t get phone numbers. I didn’t hang around to talk. I did all the typical newcomer avoidance shit. He didn’t let that slide. One day, as I was trying to make my usual escape, he literally blocked my path, introduced himself, shook my hand, and asked for my phone number. I gave it to him just to get rid of him, not thinking about the future at all. He held onto my hand longer than was comfortable and said, “Do you promise you’ll call me before you drink?” I said yes and walked out, already annoyed. At the time, I was thinking, I’ll fucking say anything to get away from this guy right now. Why is he doing this?
A few weeks later, there I was at home again, holding a bottle of liquor, fully planning to drink. Then the thought popped up: you should call that old-timer. You said you’d call him before you drink. My immediate reaction was, fuck that guy. But right on the heels of that came something I couldn’t shake. Really? Fuck him? You told him you would call him before you drank. If you drink without calling him, you’re a liar. You told someone you would do something, you are completely capable of doing it, and you’re choosing not to. That means you’re lying. Standing there, the whole picture snapped into focus all at once. If I drank, I wasn’t just stupid. If I drank, I wasn’t just someone who didn’t love his family. If I drank, I was also a liar. That hit hard. I had always thought of myself as an honest person, someone who loved his family, someone who was smart and just happened to enjoy drinking. But the truth was brutal. If I stayed sober, then maybe I loved my family, maybe I was honest, and maybe I really was smart. But if I drank, I was definitely an idiot who didn’t love his family and who lied to people. There was no way around that. So I put the cap back on the liquor bottle.
That’s when things got even more uncomfortable, because I still wanted to drink. Now I was trapped with the truth. I knew that if I drank, I would be consciously destroying everything—my life, my relationships, everything I cared about. I wasn’t confused anymore. I wasn’t ignorant. I would be consenting, fully aware, to blowing it all up. I remember thinking, well, fuck, I don’t know what to do now. After a few breakthroughs like that, I went to an AA meeting one Thursday in the middle of this obsession. This wasn’t a bad afternoon or a rough morning. This had been going on for weeks. All day, every day, all I wanted to do was drink, and all day, every day, I was praying to stay sober.
At that meeting, I finally got honest. Up until then, my shares were mostly performances. I talked about how grateful I was to be sober, how my business was starting to pick up, how my ex-wife wasn’t as mad at me, how my body felt better, how I’d lost five pounds and was doing great. Inside, though, I would have given anything to take a drink. That day, I raised my hand and told the truth. I said, “I wanted to drink really bad all day. I barely made it to this meeting without drinking. And I just want you all to know that I’m going to drink tomorrow. You all say don’t drink today, so fine—it’s Thursday, I won’t drink today. But tomorrow’s Friday, and I’m going to fucking drink tomorrow. I just thought you should know.” That was my share. I don’t remember exactly what anyone said afterward. What I remember is going home thinking, at least I made it through today, and we’ll see what happens tomorrow. If you’re white-knuckling your own version of that one-more-day fight, you don’t have to sit in it alone — you can book a private call with me and we’ll talk through exactly what you’re facing.
Another day, I had personal training scheduled, and the moment I woke up, I wanted to drink. As usual, my ex-wife was at work. On weekends I was mostly safe because she was around and, in effect, babysitting me, but when she was gone, all bets were off. That day my personal training session was at around 2:00 p.m., and from the moment I woke up until then, my entire inner world was one long argument with myself. Fuck personal training, just drink right now. Your wife’s at work. You’ve got plenty of time. There’s no reason to wait. You can’t afford to put this off. It’s 10:00 in the morning—let’s go, just start drinking now. Then another voice would cut in: no, you should at least go to personal training. You might as well take care of yourself a little before you die. Let’s do personal training first, then we’ll see about drinking. Over and over, that’s what I did—constantly negotiating with myself, constantly trying to delay drinking until later.
That was the game all morning. Just put it off a little longer. Just get to the next thing. Somehow, I managed to make it through the morning that way. Eventually, I reached the point where all parts of me could agree on one thing: I had to leave the house. After all, you have to leave the house to go to the liquor store, and you also have to leave the house to go to personal training. So fine, let’s leave the house. I got in the car, drove past the liquor store, and thought, all right, just go to personal training. The part of me that wanted to drink immediately started scheming. Fine, dumbass, go lift some weights. You’ll be worn down afterward. You’ll be mentally tired and weaker on the way home, and then you can stop by the liquor store. Go ahead, do your personal training. The part of me that wanted to stay sober countered with its own bargain: okay, go to personal training, and then you’ll know for sure whether you’re going to drink after that.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.
Face the Pain Now Sober and a Better Life Arrives After
From my video published June 17, 2026.
I'm a full-time YouTuber, and as I write this it's January 25th, 2025, day 4,989. My message for today is to encourage you to be willing to face the pain and go through the annoying, hard things now so that you can set yourself up for a better future.
Doing the Annoying Thing Today
Here's a small example from my own setup. I have a two-PC arrangement here. I've got all the music and performance gear on one screen, and then I have a second computer for streaming and recording. My Ableton was loading slow, taking a few minutes just to come up. That's because I had it on a SATA hard drive instead of on the NVMe. So I spent $250, bought a four-terabyte NVMe drive that mounts right on the motherboard, got rid of the old one, and then I reformatted my whole computer.
In the short term, this means I spend hours reformatting the machine, putting all my applications back on, like Native Instruments, taking a year and a half to reinstall Kontakt Complete, and having to leave the computer on all day. But what I get in return is that Ableton loads faster, I get to purge all the stuff from the past that I don't use anymore, and everything is quicker. In the short term it's an annoying thing to do, but in the long term it sets me up for success. It is well worth it.
What I notice a lot of people struggle with is putting off doing things like that, and tolerating 50 little problems at once. Then you end up feeling stressed out, like your whole life isn't working, when really you need to sit down and fix it one thing at a time. For instance, I took the car to the dealership the other day and spent $2,500 to get the hydraulics fixed on the back gate. The car is a 2016, so it's nine years old now, and the hydraulics that opened the back gate on my RAV4 were screwing up. It was annoying. The only difference sometimes between a life that's really annoying and one that's awesome is fixing 10 or 20 little things.
What I notice is that a lot of people don't want to face the pain, deal with it, and handle that stuff today until it gets extremely urgent or turns into an emergency. What I do that really helps me is I constantly tackle facing those little amounts of pain instead of pushing everything off and then getting destroyed.
How I Used to Numb the Pain
For example, I have a family member, and a lot of people do this, who numb everything by taking drugs and drinking alcohol. That's what I used to do. I would drink alcohol and try to numb all the pain of what were never major problems. It was often 10 or 20 minor problems that I wouldn't deal with. It was a financial issue. It was a relationship issue. It was my office. It was all these little things that, if I had just sat down sober and cried, been frustrated and angry, and figured it out, and then done that 10 more times, my whole life would have been fixed.
That's essentially what I went through getting sober, which is why it's so hard. It's so hard when you've been putting off all these little things and then you have to face all of them sober at once. What I've come to believe is that the people who are most miserable in my life are the ones who put off dealing with all these little things, so they drink and they use drugs. If you just sit down and feel the pain, cry and wallow in it for a minute, and then ask for help, all these little things in your life could be fixed.
Instead, what happens is what nearly happened to me. I almost ruined my entire life drinking. It was very close. And I see family members and friends absolutely wrecking their lives, instead of reformatting their PC, instead of reading a book on health, instead of trying a new doctor, instead of taking their car into the dealership. Often it's only 5 or 10 or 15 of those things that need to be handled in someone's life. Some folks are really in a tough spot and have 20 or 30 of those things, but it still comes down to handling them one at a time.
I'm glad I do that today. You might not realize this is something I do, but I'm consistent about it. Six months ago I reformatted both of my computers. With my streaming PC, that was a real pleasure, because that's half the machines I don't have to reformat again. Even though this PC isn't fully set up yet, I'm actually installing Ableton Packs while writing this, clicking a button to install them as I go. This is a challenge for you too.
Facing the Pain in Relationships
The same thing happens in relationships, where often you'll have all this bad feeling, but really what you're doing is running away from the hurt. I had a hurt with one of my family members this morning, not the same family member I mentioned, but a different one. I just laid there and cried and laughed, and I was thinking about this topic. I told myself I need to feel the pain of the hurt in this relationship. Often, if you stop to feel the pain of somebody hurting you, you'll know what to do going forward.
I had a situation with a family member a few months ago, and I was in massive pain about it. I finally just cried and felt all the years and years of hurt, and it became obvious what to do. With this particular family member, the answer was simple: don't be around them. You're not going to get hurt anymore. There's nothing worth having in this relationship, so just don't see them and it'll be fine. I've been doing that for two months, and it's been great.
Now I have another family member, and I just need to take some time with it. Some family members, friends, and coworkers you can cut off or remove from your life more easily than others. People like your mother, your siblings, or your children can be more difficult. But even in those cases, you feel the pain first, and afterward you'll figure out what to do. It's hard to figure out what to do before you face the pain.
My Agreement With My Body
I have a family member right now who feels like they have so much pain they can't face it sober. They feel they have to constantly be medicated, constantly under the influence of something, because they don't think they can handle the pain sober. My thought is, if I can't handle the pain sober, then I've got no work left here to do. I have an agreement with my body: you're going to be healthy and feel good most of the time, or we're not doing this anymore. That's a non-negotiable for me.
Today my back hurt a little, but I stretched it. I'm going to do my part to keep the body healthy. I'm going to take it to yoga and feed it well. We went to the mall today, and I had some Dippin' Dots and some popcorn. We had Cheesecake Factory for lunch, where I had an Impossible Burger, a soft-serve ice cream cone, and a few bites of a s'mores cookie. So I'm giving this body lots of energy, and it's ready to go.
At the same time, this family member said, "Well, you'll find out about this one day." And I said, no, I won't. I won't live like that. I will not live where the body is in miserable physical pain, in shambles, and I'm just taking drugs every day to get by. I won't live like that because I don't have to. To me, being here is a choice every moment. If I choose not to be here, the body will figure out a way; I'll stop eating, or whatever it takes. My uncle had Parkinson's, and he put up with it for years and years, and then he stopped eating. He didn't put up with it anymore, and that was it. He died right after that.
To me, a lot of people think too much about quantity and not enough about quality. The way I've found to get quality is that you have to handle resetting your computer, so to speak. And if you don't know how to handle something, ask people for help until you figure out exactly what you need to do about it. If this kind of honest reflection on getting sober and choosing quality of life resonates with you, I share a lot more of it in my Life playlist.
So I'm glad that today I'm resetting this computer and I'm feeling the pain. I'm facing the pain today, and I'm moving forward.
Long-Term Emotional Sobriety in Action (12 Years Sober)
From my video published June 15, 2026.
Twelve years sober, and the hardest year yet
I'm Jerry Banfield and I'm an alcoholic. I've just had 12 years sober yesterday and you're going to love this AA speaker meeting because we're going to focus on more advanced topics in sobriety. In fact, I'm not going to talk about my first 11 years being sober at all because there's tons of other videos, tons of other speakers. I'm going to focus on navigating transitions, big transitions like divorce, like moving, like finding a way to work and not having any money coming in. I'm going to handle these things sober and staying consistent with steps 10, 11, and 12 and maintaining relationships over time with family and friends, setting boundaries and continuing to really love and enjoy the program, continuing to go to five meetings a week, continuing to expand and explore new possibilities.
I've already talked a lot about my early sobriety in my book. Speaker Meeting 2017, and that goes into 12 hours of detail in the audio book version. So this video is all about for people who've been sober a long time or wanted to get an idea of handling things sober, this is for you, especially if you feel the program's gotten stale, that meetings are boring, that you don't feel like you did before, this is for you. So what, first of all, let's talk about some of the big things we'll cover.
Three big changes at once
In the last year, I was married my first 11 years sober, and lots of times I wondered, have I been able to stay sober just because my life's been easy? I was also a content creator for the first 11 years of being sober as well. In June 2025, a little less than a year ago, I got burnt out on being a YouTuber. That cut all the income I was bringing in. Right after that, then my wife at the time, who I'd been with my entire sobriety, we were arguing more, and we came to the conclusion that we should get a divorce. And that meant I needed to move out of the house.
So that's three huge things all at once, with big career change, no money coming in, divorce, finances or romances, and then also moving on top of that. And what I'm really proud to say today is that I made it through all that sober, and I've done some fantastic character building that I just wouldn't have done or would have taken. And I've taken a lot longer otherwise. It didn't take me down. It didn't stop me going to meetings. In fact, I grabbed onto my program and my sponsor and all the other people in AA harder than ever. I started consistently coming to meetings early for the first time since early sobriety, and I started lingering and staying sometimes three, four, five hours after meetings, hanging out, talking with people, finally going over to people's houses.
AA was there when I really needed it. And it helped me make it through the hardest transition I've seen sober. And I'll highlight some of the key practices that I've stuck with.
The practices I never stopped
And the first thing is that no matter what's happened in my life in the last 12 years, I've continued to go to an average of five AA meetings a week. Because from what I see, I can be certain, or as certain as I can be in this human life, that I'm going to stay sober as long as I don't stop coming to meetings. The number one thing I've seen people do in the last 12 years that they go out, they always stop coming to meetings, or that's one of the biggest things. Second thing, I'm always rigorously honest with my sponsor and at least one other person.
I share a lot more of how I keep a steady life together in my Life playlist.
In case my sponsor's not available, I always maintain a sponsor. I've had to change sponsors several times. And my sponsor and sponsee relationship, that is something that we don't talk basic sobriety. It's all handling life. It's what are you doing today? It's what meeting are you going to? It's how are you processing this? We work on a foundation of the basics, but we consistently are dealing with life on life's terms and handling things successfully. And I'm very interested in my sponsor's life, his things like dating, his relationships with his children. And I'm glad I picked out a sponsor. My sponsor's been sober my entire life since before I was born.
And everything that was new to me, like getting divorced, he'd already done that before. Dating and sobriety, he's already done that before. And parenting his children, moving, big life transitions with work and income, he's done all that before. And having a sponsor who's really been through life is extremely helpful. And I leaned heavily on my sponsor. So let's circle back to some of the big things. What was I doing right before all this happened? Well, I was going to five meetings a week as usual. I was calling my sponsor, either seeing my sponsor in a meeting or calling my sponsor almost every day. And I had strong relationships already in Alcoholics Anonymous.
So I already had a solid foundation in my program before any of the big changes came along. I'm very grateful that I maintained that because if I wasn't consistently going to meetings, if I didn't have a sponsor, I would have been in a position where instead of going and working my program really thoroughly during this time, I might have went out where I've seen this happen with lots of people. Where they start, they, life's going along and it's not too bad and they can get away with not going to meetings. But this would have been the place last year where if I, I could have probably gotten away with not going to meetings for years before that, not having a sponsor for years before that, but then divorce, moving, income down to zero, all of that at once, I would have been in a position to drink.
But instead, I spent nights alone at home and my house that I moved out into and now in my new house. And I faced my fear. I started feeling sober.
Dating sober for the first time
I started dating sober for the first time, which was quite a challenge because when I used to date when I drank, which I hadn't dated sober, I met my wife when I was drinking and I was in a habit of playing the game of just, making sure to hide anything a girl shouldn't see about me as long as possible. And that worked consistently to, as we say in AA, to take hostages, but to, get women to really like me and hook them emotionally. And then they find out I'm an alcoholic that's, totally self centered and plays video games all day. And this relationship is really about what I can get out of you.
And I'll see if I can do something to at least string you along. Then I start dating sober, which was in October, 2025. And that was surprising because I have this lifestyle from living in Alcoholics Anonymous where I'm used to being very open and very open. I'm used to being honest with people. I'm used to often leading with my flaws and dropping my drunk a log and meetings and sharing at a level that does not work to build attraction with most women. And it's been a painful journey, but a fun adventure. I remember thinking I'm never going to date again. And I remember thinking so many times that it'd be so nice to see what dating is like sober because I've never done it before.
And now I am grateful. I've gotten to see it. I see that. And I'm in the middle of that right now. I'm not dating anyone. I don't have any options, so to speak. I have a date scheduled from my matchmaking service next week, but I'm totally open and available right now. And dating and sobriety has required changing and a lot of character building because let me give you a concrete example. So I went out on this first date with this girl that was the second one from my matchmaking service. And if you want to see about matchmaking dating. I've got some other videos on that on this channel.
And I told this girl on the first date that I'd essentially tricked my wife into falling in love with me by hiding that I was an alcoholic and anything else she shouldn't know until she was sufficiently emotionally hooked and invested in me. And while the date had been going pretty good before that, the girl seemed to, that triggered her ick filter or, oh, this guy's not safe or whatever. And it's taken me from October. 20 and 25 to April, 2026 to realize I can't come at a girl. I'm just meeting for the first time from online or from a matchmaking service or at some sober dance party.
I can't come at her like I'm at an AA meeting that even girls I've been very frustrated because I thought when I moved out of the house and I was ready to date again, I had all these girls I knew and they were very friendly with me being married, but none of them wanted to date me. And I was surprised. I was surprised to learn that there's a lot of the things I had done back when I was dating in my drinking days were very effective because they gave women a chance to kind of slowly open up to me. And I made sure to avoid triggering anything that might cause a woman to run away.
And I've struggled in the last, few months feeling like, well, that's dishonest. It's dishonest to not just lead with my flaws and immediately share, that I'm an alcoholic and to just start doing my fist up. I just want to go to the bathroom. And I have learned, like what, you need to take it slow. I was talking with my ex actually and asking her, like, what am I doing on these dates that girls are just like, nobody wants a second date. And I told her that, the things I was saying. And then I told her that, well, I'm not ready to get physical on a first date.
That's kind of much. And my ex tells me, she's like, you're treating these dates like you are in had an AA meeting and working with your sponsor. She's like, the things you're saying are the physical equivalent of trying to close the deal on the first date. You are going for it with the things you're saying, and you're used to doing that in Alcoholics Anonymous. You're used to being able to do that on YouTube, but you can't do that dating. You need to take it slow. You need to warm up to getting into deeper, heavier topics unless a girl shows that that's where she's at. I'm so grateful.
That was a 10th step in practice of looking at, okay, what is going wrong in my dating? Because this last year has been some of the toughest emotional bottoms I've hit in sobriety. I have a definition for emotional sobriety that is different than a lot of what I hear. To me, emotional sobriety is not, do I feel emotions?
What emotional sobriety actually means
Emotional sobriety to me is not being flat all the time or having minimal ups and downs. It's not being flat all the time. To me, emotional sobriety is that I can handle my feelings and I don't hurt myself or other people. That is my definition of emotional sobriety, that I can have very intense ups, very intense downs, and nobody gets hurt. That's to me is what I'm looking for. I'm not looking to go through my sobriety being a robot that just doesn't feel anything. Now, perhaps as a man, it is better to keep a calm exterior and not project my feelings all the time. I'm not constantly to everyone about everything, but it is a worthwhile part of life to feel intense grief, to feel intense joy, sadness, anger, rage, love, euphoria.
I'm grateful that in the last few months sober, I've had experiences of much higher ups and downs than I've gotten in the last of my sobriety. I've felt like emotionally, I've felt like a teenager where I go to a sober dance party, not an AA. But just a sober event I found in town. I meet a girl that's in her late 20s, looking to have kids, very pretty, likes me, is sending me signals on a dance floor, and then I talk too much. And then it all goes south from there. And then I reach out immediately the next day. She's not interested anymore. And then I go way, way up euphoria.
And then I go way, way down into misery. And I've had a few days in the last year where I was laying in bed, thinking, I just don't know how I'm going to go on. I don't know how I'm going to find somebody to date and find a new place to live and figure out how to make money. Like it's too much. I can't, I can't handle all this. This is too hard. But then there've been many more days where I've thought this is so much fun. This is such an adventure. I love the danger, the danger that, if this doesn't work out, I might be living in my car for the first time in my life. And if you're riding those same wild ups and downs right now and want a real conversation about your own emotional sobriety, I'd be glad to talk it through with you on a private one-on-one call with me — just my experience and an honest look at where you're at.
Or if this doesn't work out dating, I might never have another happy relationship again. Or, I could find some crappy place to live. Now I have nailed the dating or not the dating. The dating is very open, but I've nailed the place to live. I've ended up finding a beautiful house to live in. And one, one thing my sponsor says is that he loves how I take action and put in the work. And then what I do also is ask people's advice. And that's why I bring the house into this right now. And we'll, we'll put several things together here.
The lowest point, and a tenth step with my kids
So the lowest, I've had in the last year was the Sunday before Thanksgiving. I had the, so let's back up two days, two days before this, I had met another girl this time. This girl was mid thirties. She really liked me. We're like holding hands with this dance party. We're talking for a couple hours. I was very direct and telling her how beautiful she was and talking to her. And we spent a couple hours talking until just short of midnight. And well, I said too much, again. And I text her the next day. She doesn't respond. And I proceed to spiral. So Friday, I meet a girl right after going to an AA meeting.
I meet her and giving somebody a ride home. And I meet a girl. I go sky high euphoria for like that night. And then start, it screws up my sleep. I start trending down, down the next day. I wake up and I'm kind of like on the way down, but hoping it'll stabilize. I look at a house that's right across the street from my mom and my ex. And I'm like, I'm going to go to the bathroom. And I'm like, I'm going to go to the and it doesn't feel right. And I'm really, annoyed because I was wanting to figure the house out. And this was such a close location to my mom and my ex, but my mom and my ex don't really like the house that much.
And a lot of people in AA talk about things like, well, I'm just doing God's will. It's like, how do you know what God's will is? You just get an idea in your head and that's God's will. And you're sure that's not some other will. And you're sure that's not self will. To me, what works for me, is I get ideas, I get inspiration, and then I check with other people. So I check this place I'm going to live in. Yes, I've been able to have a kind divorce because of practicing this program where my ex and I get along very well. We're still great friends.
We see each other most days. We're totally cooperative with the kids. We still share, intimate details of our lives with each other, like our dating. Although I've recently scaled back to be, more in my masculine and not oversharing because oversharing and all that dumping I did emotionally, just basically using my wife like a sponsor instead of, being a wife, that made things, that killed a lot of the romance in our marriage. So on this day, on this Saturday, I asked for feedback from, two of the people I care most about in my life, my ex wife. Now keep in mind, I had only moved out a month before and I'd moved to a house nearby that my ex, helped me find.
And then I only had two months I could live there. So because they're knocking it down. So I go in this other house and I'm all excited, but nobody else seems to like it. I go home and I spiral. And this one day I didn't go to an AA meeting. I, did I call my sponsor? I think I talked to my sponsor, but I didn't go to an AA meeting because I was too tired, even though I had been to like five meetings in a row the days before that. So I skipped an AA meeting. I didn't go to yoga either, which helps my nervous system calm down and get out there with other people.
And I wasn't doing any work that day either. I was idle. I laid in bed too much and I didn't have any video games or any other coping mechanisms. And I spiraled really hard. I had a hard time sleeping again. Then I got up the next day and I went first thing over to my ex's house. And I told the kids that, I, I told the kids that this, the divorce was my mom's fault. And she was cutting me out of their life and that they might not grow up with a father for one reason or another. Like I might move away to be near my family in Michigan or, move away with some woman or, anything can happen because, this, they didn't get to have a guaranteed father anymore in their life because of this.
And obviously they got very upset. Like this, this was the absolute lowest point I've seen in my sobriety, in my behavior. And what's really cool, like this is, the, ugliest thing that I've been through. And I hope some girl I just went out with on a first date's not watching this right now. But then again, I guess if she gets past that part, we're probably going down the aisle, right? So she, I, I tell the kids this first thing in the morning, my ex is there and she, she is patient enough to let me share. And then she's also trusting enough because of all the years I've put in sobriety.
She's seen that I am overall a stable person who's reliable. And who's safe. So she gives me space and time to, then after I tell the kids this, I cry. And then I immediately start my 10th step right there. I don't need to call my sponsor. I immediately, as soon as I said all this stuff, and then I cried and the kids, expressed their concerns. Then I said, I'm sorry. What I just said wasn't accurate. Like there, there's some truth to it, but overall your mother and I decided on this divorce. Both of us, both of us together decided on this divorce. Not just me or her.
And what I said before was not the whole truth. The whole truth is I wanted this divorce too. I wanted to go date other women. I want to have more children when your mom doesn't. And I, I decided to do this too. And I'm not going anywhere as your father. I know I got a bit dramatic and I, I get scared sometimes that something's going to take me away from you guys. Like, especially if I met one of these girls at this, these dance parties and they live somewhere else. And they really liked, me and want to move away with me, I, or moving back to Michigan, like with my family.
So I, I immediately did a 10 step right there with my kids and with my ex before I even left the house. And to me, like that's, that's working the steps all the way. Like, as soon as you realize you've, you've gone wrong or started to go wrong, it's like fix that immediately. And I did. And then I went home and I laid in my bed and I cried and I felt awful. And I was, I was thinking, if anyone really cares about me, I wish they would reach out.
My sister's call, and carrying the message
And right then my sister called and she said, Hey, I just came back from a relapse myself. I just got out of the hospital and I'd like you to come visit. And that was so powerful. Like I felt that connection, that spiritual experience, like, wow, that was just what I asked for. So I said, yes, even though no money's coming in, I am giving my ex the house in exchange for some cash, but that's running out quickly. I spend a thousand dollars to book a plane ticket and rent a car to go visit my sister immediately. As soon as she calls, I immediately booked that.
And then I tell my aunt, I'm sorry for not checking with her first. And I go spend a week in Thanksgiving in Michigan. So my, I live in St. Petersburg, Florida. So I went to spend a week immediately after that in Michigan, I left the next day. And that part of that was an amends. To my ex, like, look, I just took up too much space in your life. And this is our first like big holiday apart. I'm going to just clear out of town so that you can focus on you and the kids and your family. And my mom, it gets to be a part of that.
And I'll just clear out so that, my amends is I took up too much space. I'm going to give you some space. And my ex really appreciated that really appreciated me going somewhere where I could be loved and cared for and surrounded by my family. And where I was really wanted, and desired, and where I would not be up in her business. Then when I, I was the night before. So that night I shared at my Alcoholics Anonymous meeting at my home group, I said, look, I'm scared to go to Michigan. Like my sister just relapsed after years of sobriety. This is the older sister.
She just relapsed. And I, I'm not, I'm not at my most stable right now. Like, I'm scared to go up there. Like this could go badly. Like, especially if she, she relapsed again, or, the rest of the family had to deal with her before relapse. Like this is, this is shaky. I'm shaky. She's shaky. And people shared with me after the meeting and I cried listening to them talk. They said, Jerry, remember that part of the big book? Like this is where you're doing the 12th step right now. And not hair standing up. So I'm saying this on me. Like you are going up there to carry the message to your sister.
At this time, I had 11 and a half years sober. They said, you've got 11 and a half years sober. Go up there, carry the message. Be there when she needs you. After she just got out of the hospital and has had a relapse, like where she needs someone who's got, 11 years sobriety. That's there with her every day for a week after she's got out of the hospital. And that's there to help her through Thanksgiving with all her emotions. She has two teenage kids. So I, I completely, I felt like, that's what seemed like a great idea to me. And her then it was validated by my home group.
And I shared real messy and vulnerable at my home group. And now I understand I've wondered, I'm like, why don't any of these girls at AA meetings seem to be interested in me? And now I'm like, oh, because, because they know me too well to have any like fantasy. It's kind of killed their attraction. But I shared at a meeting the other day that when I go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, I'm not there to pick girls up. I can go to sober dance parties, matchmaking, online dating. There's, yoga. There's lots of places I can pick girls up. But AA meetings, I'm here to save my life.
If that happens, that's one thing. But my primary purpose is to carry the message to an alcoholic who still suffers. And that often means I need to share real and raw and vulnerable.
Why I share raw and specific
And from the heart, I've noticed a lot of people in AA feel this need to keep this sober face on and to never share what's really going on and to always be generic. Oh, I'm having a hard time. You see the value of me sharing very specifically and saying, look, this is exactly what I'm dealing with and what it looks like. Then people give me very specific help. And that helps me feel better. You see, if I just go to an AA meeting and say, oh, I'm having a hard time today. Nobody knows exactly how to help me with that. And the help they give is generic. If you have been keeping that same sober face on and not telling anyone what is really going on, you're welcome to schedule a private call with me and say the specific thing out loud, just one alcoholic talking honestly with another.
Like, keep stay strong. You'll be all right. I hate that. I don't need a pat on the back and to be told, well, stay strong or you'll get through this. I don't need that. I need to hear people's experiences with the same kind of stuff. I need to hear very relevant and where I see people struggle is often trying to keep this sober face on this emotional sobriety face. Like to me, it's you're going to have life is going to happen. And what I do in AA meetings, I share very specifically all the time. And especially when I need help, I share at meetings and I say, this is what I'm struggling with.
This is what I need help with. And then people come up after the meeting and help me exactly with what I need help with. And then I feel better. The week long trip I took to visit, my sister went fantastic. The whole family was supportive. Thanksgiving went really well, which considering I just came up there after announcing I'm getting divorced last minute when all my family really likes my ex. And then my sister just got out of the hospital, like both of us rolling into Thanksgiving together. It was amazing how well it went. It just went perfect. And I felt restored to sanity. And we went to several AA meetings up there, which was awesome.
And then I came back. Totally like feeling like I'm back in myself. Then right after that, I found a fantastic place to live. I thought about everybody else. I thought, where can I live that'll give me enough space to be away from, not in the same neighborhood as my ex. And at the same time, closer to kids school. So I can really participate in the kids lives.
A new home, and co-parenting
I found a beautiful place to live here near Crescent Lake in St. Petersburg, Florida. And I have my kids three nights a week, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, every week. And if my ex, wants to do something like on the weekend, and that was considerate out of like, what's good for her. My ex works full time, whereas I'm a YouTuber, so I can work anytime. My ex has a full time job. And therefore, she really needs her time during the week, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. And that way she can get all her work done and all that. And then she can focus on having fun with the kids when she doesn't have to work.
Like mostly Friday, Saturday, Sunday, she plans all the stuff for, to do for them. Meanwhile, I'm the business parent. I handle, I like just. And helping, being there for the kids during the week. I can work less during the week. And then Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, I crank up my work. And even with having sole custody of my kids three days a week, I still make sure to go to AA meetings while they're in school. Like today, I'm going to an AA meeting later and I play AA with like tennis with people who are in AA. I am, I love my life today and I'm so connected in AA.
The eleventh step is connection, and getting back to work
To me, the key to the 11th step is being connected to other people because I can set intentions, but I need other people to help me with those. Like I got back on YouTube because I kept praying like, please, God, I'd really like to make some money and I'd like to make it doing something I love doing that's helpful for other people. And I tried writing books and I tried doing a business locally, but nobody seemed interested in that. And to me, meditation is about listening. And I got back on YouTube after three people in a row told me, get back on YouTube. I played tennis with a guy and I asked him about his work situation.
And then he asked me about mine. After he tells me everything, he asked me, well, what's your work situation? And I said, I don't know. And I told him and he's like, why don't you just get back on YouTube? And then the next day I saw a girl walking her dog that I know from AA. She had a very, very similar work situation to the guy the night before. She asked me about my work situation after she talks about hers. She says, after listening to me for a minute or two, she says, why don't you just get back on YouTube? And then right after that, I go out with a girl from my matchmaking service and she's a full time content creator on Instagram.
And I'm like, man, I, and right before that, so Friday night, I had prayed hard for help. I'm like, please, I'll do whatever it takes. Let me be listening. And then the meditation is listen to the things people say. And again, ask for the exact help I need from everyone. Don't give generic crap because what so many people do, like I've, I've seen this girl share and she's like, yeah, I'm having such a hard time. This is a big deal, but she doesn't say what it is. And even after the meeting, talking personally, like she just, people get stuck and like their problems are so, personal and nobody understands.
Like when you share your problems specifically with people, you will see how easily, how easily other people understand and can help you. And now I'm back on YouTube. I've got some income coming in. I've got, thousands of views a day. I'm getting on YouTube among my five different channels. I feel really happy and satisfied with my work. And I started playing video games again, which I had quit playing video games several times in sobriety because I thought it was just addictive behavior that it was, poisoning my mind. But I love playing video games. I love the emotional highs and lows I get playing video games.
I also went to adult children of alcoholics or ACA or ACOA or whatever abbreviation they're using now, ACAD. I tried some ACA meetings and one of the, I read most of the ACA book, but I don't feel the need to work the ACA steps. The ACA fifth step and fourth step will make you beg for the AA steps, I'll tell you that. But I did really get out of the ACA. It's a bit more about healing and loving and also taking inventory of the parents is really helpful to see where I got a lot of these traits. My sponsor and another guy that had been instrumental in my sobriety, they both worked the ACA programs at various points and encouraged me to try it.
I went to five or six ACA meetings and I am so focused on AA. I don't feel the same thing when I go to ACA, but I learned from the ACA program. And I learned that, part of my challenge is I'm often addicted to excitement, that I want to feel some fear. And I want to feel some euphoria. And if I don't have anything in my life set up to feel those things, then I'm going to manufacture things to feel those things. So what I've found, I was often very lonely at night, having four nights a week. At first, when I moved out of the house, I had every night a week in my house, which was lonely.
And then I was desperate to date a girl, any girl to just fill my house up. And then I have a girl over and she spends the night and I'm like, okay, we need to, we can't just accept anybody in here like this. And I'd rather, the top tier is to have an amazing woman, and then to be by myself. And then everybody else is not as good as being by myself. So I've now have four nights a week by myself.
Video games, dating, and feeling things safely
And I really enjoy playing video games on my Jerry Banfield gaming channel. And I really enjoy being honest that like, hey, I love the excitement and the fear. I love stimulating my feelings in these video games in a safe environment. It's an environment where I can play around, where I can have fun. I remember at ACA, they kept talking about, well, what does your inner child want to do? And I remember thinking my inner child wants to buy a PlayStation 5. Like that's, that's what my inner child wants to do. But my adults said, well, no, I, so I bought a PlayStation 5 in 2021 when I was a professional gamer.
And then I sold it in 2023 to try and focus on music and not be addicted. Then I bought another one in 2024, gave that one away. Then my friend gave it back. It was back in 2025, then I sold that one. So now I just bought my fourth PlayStation 5 and that's at the UPS store right now. I'm going to go pick that up later, right before my AA meeting. And I've also got an Xbox Series X that I got used. That's my second Xbox Series X and I have a $2 000 gaming PC. So I really love, I don't feel all lonely when I'm at home playing video games at night.
It's really nice. And that makes it easier for me to not be desperate in dating, which makes it easier for me to track the, to be a woman that, I'm attracted to also. And I asked for help on my dating, which is why I started this matchmaking service. I poured my heart out to a friend of my tennis partner one day, and he suggested I get on this matchmaking service called Talkify. I've had three really nice dates with women I met up with on there. No second dates though, because, well, your boy was, was acting like it was an AA meeting and not a first date.
I write more about what I'm figuring out back in the dating world in My Exact First-Date System.
Now on the fourth date next week, we'll be remembering this is a date with a woman that doesn't know you, that's like a flower who needs to take time to open up and love you. And don't tell her fifth step stuff on the first date. And I am just really enjoying this adventure that I haven't went through divorce and income going to zero and moving. I haven't went through that by myself. Everybody around me knows what I've been through. Every, like you can walk into random AA meetings and be like, Hey, what's Jerry Banfield going through? Like, well, he just got divorced last year and he's, he moved into this house and he's back on YouTube.
Like that's, that's to me is what is ideal is that level of transparency. And that's how I do the 10th step, the 11th step and the 12th step successfully is by remaining accountable. People know what I'm going through. People know what I'm doing. And that is what feels good and makes me want to keep going to meetings. I want to go to meetings on a good day to help lift people up. And I want to go to meetings on a bad day because I need help. I need to be lifted up. And I don't have that many bad days now, especially now that I got back on YouTube and playing video games, my emotions are, I have, I get high euphoric playing video games and I get down and frustrated playing video games and I'm stable again.
It was one of the hardest things I've been through in sobriety is not having my work figured out. I just shared at the meeting I went to yesterday that my work, I'm doing something useful for the world that also makes money is a big part of my ego, big part of feeling good, being validated. And it was hard writing books. I have 35 books I've published on Amazon. I published 10 more in the last year while I wasn't doing videos. So I was still doing a lot of content creation, but it was challenging to go through the day without the validation of my work and the validation of a woman.
And now I play video games and I do, several YouTube videos a day. There's all kinds of comments and hundreds of likes every day, thousands of views every day on my videos. That really fills me up. So when people say they have a God sized hole that they're trying to fill with alcohol, I say that you need to do your part for humanity. And then that hole will shrink. When I do my part for humanity, making YouTube videos, that hole shrinks. When I'm at home by myself, not doing any work, not going to an AA meeting, not taking care of my body with yoga, and not parenting my kids, and I'm just at home and I'm, struggling, like then that hole feels huge and it feels overwhelming.
But I'm doing my work and I'm doing my part for my kids and I'm doing my part to find another woman because dating often can be viewed as selfish and transactional. Like, I'd like a girl, to have some fun with, spend a night with, but I also, I want to give. I want to give because I know there's, probably we're at record numbers of single girls right now. There's a lot of girls who would love to have a man that they could be with. Like dating, and I've talked to so many people about dating over the years, especially in sobriety, and dating is something that you're not just doing for yourself.
Dating is for the other person also. It's like going to AA meetings is not just about my sobriety, but it's not just about everybody else's sobriety there too. It's about, to me, that, that real you're having that spiritual awakening through the 11th step when you're seeing the combining of self interest and serving others. When there's no longer is this, I am so selfish or I'm so selfless. It's like, I take care of myself. I am honest about what I want. And at the same time, I am constantly focusing on how can I give to others? How can I serve others? And those things become one.
Like doing this video is good for me, and it may be good for you. Dating is something that is good for me and good, whenever I find the right girl for them. But, even in the ones that hasn't been right with, I've got some interesting stories about them. They've got some interesting experiences with me. Even in the ones that didn't work out, it was an adventure. It made life more interesting. And for that, I'm super grateful. Now for me in dating, my sobriety and dating go very closely together. And the one thing I make sure I'm strict about in my dating is that I want a girl who's focused on health.
I want a girl who's not a big drinker at a minimum. I prefer a girl that's sober, the girl I'm going to go out with a week from now. It says she quit drinking, which is perfect. Most of the girls I go out with either don't drink at all, or they rarely drink or don't have any emotional attachment to drinking. Because one of the most dangerous things I could do is to date a girl who has an emotional hook on drinking, where she cares about drinking, where she couldn't easily just quit drinking without missing it or without resenting me. And I see the importance of dating someone who's also healthy, because I've taken my sobriety into the rest of my health also.
That same approach is exactly how I lost the weight and kept it off — I tell that whole story in How I Lost 80 Pounds and Transformed My Health.
When I am going without a drink every day, I can go without ultra processed foods every day easier than I can going without a drink. And I have all kinds of delicious foods. My body is absolutely fantastically healthy because I apply what I learned in my sobriety into eating. I read the Overeaters Anonymous book a few years ago, and I live today with like, I'm going to eat in a way that makes me feel good, nourishes my body. My primary purpose with eating is to nourish my body. And I avoid sensationalism when it comes to eating. I don't need that ice cream. I don't need those cookies.
I don't need that cake. And because then I have a lean body, then my body looks beautiful and it's easier to attract the kind of woman I want to attract. And I'm really grateful that I haven't put on any weight with getting divorced. I haven't resorted to like coping mechanisms. Now, some people might say video games are coping mechanisms. Video games are fun to me. And I'm really happy to see that I can play video games in moderation. I haven't played games in a few days. I haven't missed playing video games, but at the same time, I got a guy I met in early sobriety.
He's in early sobriety. And I'm going to meet up with him and play some video games with him later. And that's good for him. That's good for me. And it'll be good for the audience when I live stream it.
Living steps 10, 11, and 12 by default
I am grateful today I consistently live in 10, 11, and 12. And these are my defaults now. In fact, my first thought now is usually right. And it's kind of funny or interesting when it's not. Usually my first thought is, you're going to need to talk to your sponsor about this, or when you go into a meeting, or who can help you with this, or how can you help somebody else? The days that I've had the hardest times, I've relentlessly focused on how do I help somebody else? I'm struggling with my money. How do I help somebody else with their money? I'm struggling to feel like I have emotional sobriety.
Well, go help someone else who's having a bigger struggle than you. Like I'm struggling with dating. Well, go try and help somebody else who's having the same struggles as you. To me, that's the magic I learned in AA is whatever I'm struggling with, get out there and help somebody else with the same thing. And from there, you will get the help you need. I have a guy I've sponsored consistently for the last seven years, and his sobriety has been educational. He doesn't go to as many meetings as I do, but he has more to do. His life is more full than mine. He's married. He has several kids.
He has a full time job. He can barely make it to a meeting or two a week, but he still stays sober. He's consistently contacted me. And I look at it, that's working for him and I'm really happy it is. At the same time, that's not appropriate for me. I need to be at five meetings a week because that's five meetings a week I can help someone. That means if I'm having four meetings where all I have to share is experience, strength, and hope, and then one meeting each week where I'm like, all right, listen, I need some help with this. Help me understand this. That willingness to say I actually need help with this is the whole thing, so if there's a hard situation in your own recovery you've been carrying alone, you're welcome to schedule a one-on-one call with me and we'll sit down and look at it together.
And that's because of the work I do, like being on YouTube, I have more time to go do stuff like that. So I'm really grateful to have this to share for my 12 year sobriety journey.
Why I'm grateful for the hardest year
I'm grateful, one of the most powerful things I ever heard somebody say in AA is that their child passed away and they were able to thank God for the child passing away. And I thought that was crazy. I have two kids, a 10 year old daughter, a seven year old son. I thought that was crazy. So I talked to this guy after the meeting and I'm like, how, how could you say thank you for your child passing away? That's like the worst thing I can imagine. He says, well, Jerry, my child's already gone. So my choice is to either, say F you and complain and continue to react based on something that happened years ago, or to say thank you that that's already done.
And thank you that I can help somebody now who's been through that. He's like, Jerry, I can help parents who've lost kids because I've been through it. Just like you can help somebody with alcoholism because you've been through it and got sober. And now I'm so grateful I can help people much more effectively around divorce and around, job loss, content creation, all that stuff. I can help people who've been through divorce in a way I couldn't before. So I'm very grateful for my divorce last year. I'm very grateful. Like this has shown me my strength in sobriety and the strength of my program and the strength of everybody around me.
Cause I didn't do any of this by myself. I've had so many people have listened to me, who've helped me. And I've listened to them. I've had so many conversations about divorce and relationships that it's like people were waiting for me to have that experience in common with them before they talked about it. And I have a lot more empathy now. When I'd been married my whole sobriety and I'd been making lots of money and just, being famous and feeling like I was really important. I had often very little empathy and some people expressed after I'd been through the divorce and the income going to zero, they said, Jerry, I looked at you sometimes and I thought you didn't understand me because of what you said.
And now I see now with what you've been through, you do understand me. So I'm grateful. I'm for everything I've been through in sobriety, especially the stuff in the last year that unfortunately does take a lot of people out. And for me, it strengthened my sobriety. And I hope the message I communicate here is that everything you go through in your sobriety can strengthen it. I've seen people go through all kinds of things from losing kids to health, to divorces, to, everything you can imagine. And everything in your sobriety can strengthen it. If that's the story you'll tell. And if you'll ask for help explicitly and specifically with people, if you'll share exactly what's going on with you in an open meeting and trust that the main reaction you're going to get is people offer you the exact kind of help you need and accept sometimes it's worth the gossip.
If this resonates, you can follow along in my Life playlist.
It's worth the drama occasionally to get the help most of the time. So I really appreciate you watching this.
Own your story
The last thing about anonymity, some people in the past have criticized because I talk about my AA experience and they say 11th Tradition. I don't talk about your sobriety. I didn't mention anybody else's names, my sponsor's name. I didn't mention anybody else. I've maintained everybody else's anonymity. I have a right to share my story wherever I want to with whoever I want to, whenever I want to. To, regardless of the medium it goes out on. That's up to me. And that's not up to anybody else or AA or Traditions anything. This is me. This is free speech. This is carrying the message to the alcoholic who still suffers, which is step 12.
Now, I care a lot about everyone else's anonymity. And that, I encourage people, share your story. Own your story. Don't share somebody else's story, unless it's in a way that's generic and not identifiable. But share your story with as many people as you can. It keeps me accountable. On the days where I felt down, it's like, well, what about all those people who follow you, who care about you? What about all those people who know your story? It's like that kept me going. So I really appreciate you being a part of the story here. In another video.
A Room With 3,900 Years Sober
Originally published February 7, 2026.
This is my journal entry from February 7, 2026 — my real, unedited day, shared just as it happened.
The rats were going crazy last night. They were going all over the roof and I think they're up in the attic on the trees and stuff outside. It was nuts. I was having a hard time falling asleep because the rats constantly were doing something. So I ended up turning the HVAC back on with the space heater in there and blowing cold air in my face all night, which, in my experience, is not a good thing to do to your nose. Whoops. I just figured that out tonight as my nose is running like all day in the house and it stopped when I went outside and I spent hours outside and out of the house today. As soon as I get back home, it starts running again. I'm like, ah, crap. What did I do? Like, well, the house should not be sitting here with stagnant dry air at like 60 something degrees. Whoops. So I turned the air back up to 73. Good job, ChatGPT, on helping me figure that out.
I woke up today and I was wanting to go see a yoga instructor for the 7:15 yoga class because I haven't taken a class of hers in a week. I thought, I'm not setting an alarm. My body can just wake me up at that time if it wants to go. Sure enough, I wake up at like five something and I'm like, well, shit. I try and go back to sleep and I wake up then at 6:30. I'm like, all right, I guess you want to go to her class. So I end up dragging it out at like 6:50 to get out of bed. I throw down a Larabar. I go to her class and it's not a powerful one. It's all levels flow. Pretty restorative. Not too difficult, which is nice because between my nose and the rats, the sleep was a little off last night.
I get home, and today just feels like the day to work on the taxes. It's February 7th. I've got most of the stuff I need except it turns out when I go to my Coinbase account I'm not gonna have everything I need for them in order to do my crypto stuff, which I guess I'll have to wait for. But I put about three or four hours today into rolling through the taxes, sorting through all my old records and expenses. Currently it looks like I'm gonna have a very small profit last year, maybe like $10,000 or something, and that sucks. I got by with it, but I'd sure love to have a nice profit this year.
Meanwhile, I'm so excited I'm Seeking a Wife is up in Amazon ads, but it's not getting any impressions. I guess because it's running up to Valentine's Day, it's a high traffic time, and bids are up. So I finally end up yanking the price of my bid up to $2.34 a click, and I crank the budget up to $33 a day. And I turn off all my other ads. I want to focus all my ads on I'm Seeking a Wife. Because to me, this is the most interesting book I have to advertise. I'll create more. But right now, this is the only one I've got. So I might as well dump the entire budget I'm comfortable spending all into the book. And the click-through rate's been crazy low. So I should get tens of thousands of impressions on Amazon. And the question is, are those worth anything? Well, we're going to find out. Officer Banfield did drive a sale with similar metrics to what's possible here. So we shall see. What's most interesting is how much money do I need to spend on ads where I start getting girls contacting me consistently after seeing my book? Well, I intend to find out.
My mind's bringing fear and doubt in saying this Amazon ads plan is not going to work. You're screwed. And I'm like, well, dear intuition, please let me know what would work. And thanks. I'll just be ready to do whatever is going to work, to make enough money. I have so much passion for creating these books. I can't think of anything better for me to create. These books can last the test of time. And they can all lift each other up. They've got the variety of formats. From audio to print. To even a Kindle and a physical copy. I think that's ideal. I want to keep doing this. And I'm going to do it until I see another better idea. Or for some reason I can't. And I hope we're going to avoid the I can't scenario.
The kids come over as I'm getting to a stopping point in the taxes, and they're off today. They're fighting with each other. They're, you know, hitting, slapping, and I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do with them because I don't want to threaten and punish them anymore. I'm so over that. And my ex-wife used the tools she knew how to use with the threatening and the punishing, but this is my house, and I'm tired of trying to manage my kids with threats and punishment. I'm not going to do that anymore. Unfortunately, that leaves me not knowing what the hell I should do. Because I'm not going to threaten things. I'm not going to come up with punishments. But I don't know how I can try and navigate their behavior. It ends up with my daughter slapping my son after he slaps her. And of course, I'm asking them to stop. I would love to have fun together, and they're not hearing any of that. I'm trying to hold the space and forgive them, and none of that matters. My daughter slaps my son harder than he hit her. He cries for a while. Then she goes to the park to sit in a tree to try and get some space. She brings her cup of tea. And I carry her back to my house a couple hundred yards, which was good for some nice snuggles. I go back to the park and I'd left my son at the playground with the other kids there. And right when they're leaving, I get back to pick him up. So he's happy having his time to play with them. We get home and my ex-wife gets there about 20 minutes later. If you're done managing your kids with threats and punishment but don't yet know what to put in its place, schedule a one-on-one call with me and we'll talk it through on our call.
This morning, one of my friends from AA said that I should come to this big AA dinner tonight. And having nothing other than an AA meeting I was going to do, I decided to go. I drive up the coast to a banquet hall, and I had enough food for the whole day beforehand in case the food was crap. I get there, and it actually looks like they got some nice salads set up. Like, there's a nice salad bar, so I'm optimistic I'll have a little bowl of salad at least. I go around and talk to my sponsor and the friend who gave me this $40 ticket for free as a gift, which was nice. I talked to some of the other people there. There's some attractive women out, but none that seem to have any interest in me. I have lots of great conversations with the guys though and with one of the older ladies. Hit some interesting details about different people's relationships and dating and criminal histories. You know, the usual stuff that you enjoy at AA meetings.
I then am there for the sobriety countdown. I'm happy to stand up at 11 years. I feel like I'm a baby in this room though because there's a guy with 65 years sober. Then nobody else in the room has even 55 years sober. But below that, once we hit somebody around like 49 or so years sober, somebody has that year sober every year all the way down on the countdown. Between when you add all the alcoholics up, we had like 3900 years of sobriety or something like that in a room. It was pretty cool.
After the sobriety countdown, my friend goes to leave. So I walk him out to the car and he tells me to open my heart and put out loving energy towards the people in a room. And I said, you know, I'm happy to do that when it's a hot girl at yoga. And maybe I'll widen the amount of time I do that. Maybe I shouldn't just be putting that loving energy out when it's a hot girl at yoga like the woman from my class. I haven't been thinking of her as much today, but I still love the little exchange we had, the time we had together yesterday. And I'm getting back more into reality instead of fantasy, which is reasonable.
At the same time, I'm grateful I'm tapping into a fuller side of my imagination lately, and not just about sex but picturing all the other things, like the talking and the dating and how we met and the first time out and exchanging numbers, instead of just watching porn or limiting my fantasies to sexual encounters. Because really, the process of finding my second wife, the whole thing would be sacred. I love all the memories I have of my ex-wife and I first meeting and dating and our early conversations were so special. And I'm so excited to have that again with somebody else. And I'm refusing to get into fear and doubt. I'm going to follow the path of joy and I'm going to trust that it's going to lead to more joy, right? Because that's logical. If I'm living joyfully today, if I'm helping people today, if I feel wealthy today, if I enjoy where I'm at today, if I'm excited for the relationship that's coming, then good things are going to keep happening, right? That seems logical. If you're trying to choose the path of joy over fear and doubt while you rebuild your life, and you want someone to talk it through with, book a private call with me and bring it to our call.
I am almost done with The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav, and that's been helping me raise my vibe. Not that I agree with everything in the book, especially karma. Like, yeah, something today looked like some instant karma, but at the same time, it also looked a bit over the top, more than what would seem to merit it. That said, the whole karma thing and the path that everyone's going to ascend positively, I think there's another way to look at it. I think some people ascend through negativity, through utter unrelenting selfishness. That some path of enlightenment is to be absolutely, constantly selfish and to consider no one besides yourself. And that's a valid path to enlightenment also. Maybe my book, my book will say that.
I was thinking about working on a book this morning, and I'm thinking about writing a book about money called I'm Seeking Money. And I've done so much on the taxes now, and I thought I'd just put out, since I'm Seeking a Wife is out, I don't need to be in a hurry to put out I'm Seeking Money right afterwards. But I want to get a bunch, at least five or ten of these books out and test them in ads. Because if I can do that in a month or two, I'll know whether that business system is going to work or not. And if it works, we'll be printing money, baby, and I'd love that. I'd love that. I also finally get a friend's book submitted today. After she started dictating it months ago, the audiobook is submitted. And I think that means everything's done.
After I walked my friend out, I sat through some of the speech from the AA speaker tonight. And, you know, he was above average, I'd say. Of course, I figure I could have done a better job if I'd got up there. But, you know, that's just my humility talking. That said, he is up there and I'm not. And I headed out after we did the Lord's Prayer. I didn't see or feel anything happening. I was ready to get back home and shower, maybe get in bed a little bit earlier tonight and have a little time to read, dictate this, and I guess that's enough for today.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.
Emotional Sobriety Is the Whole Point
Originally published October 27, 2025.
This is my journal entry from October 27, 2025, part of my daily autobiography Book 5 — Daily Autobiography — my real, unedited days, published in order.
What a day in the shitter—at least for the first half of it. I woke up already sad, still carrying the feeling from two nights ago when I got a couple of small hours talking to a girl and then had to face the fact that she doesn’t like me back. That quiet letdown lingered into the morning. I picked the kids up, took them to school, and headed to yoga with my spirit already cracked and dragging. I kept telling myself it was fine, because that’s my default, but it wasn’t. I put my mat down in the front left, second row, trying to ground myself and do the thing that’s supposed to help me reset.
Then the woman from yoga shows up. She lays her mat down in the third row. I barely notice her before class starts, but of course I notice her. I know she’s there, and I already know what I’m not going to do: I’m not saying anything to her. Fuck that. I grab my mat and blocks and bolt. A yoga instructor says, “Hey, hey, don’t get up too fast,” but I’m already gone. I’m out. She didn’t say anything to me when she came in, tried to stay hidden, didn’t show up to class before, and now suddenly she’s here. Fine. I throw my yoga mat in the trunk and immediately call myself out. You’re a petty bitch. That’s what you are. You could have been nice. You could have said good morning. Instead, you’re choosing to be petty, and you know it. And then I justify it anyway: fuck it, I’m going to be petty this morning. Fair is fair, right? She didn’t show up, now she’s here, and she doesn’t even want me to see her. Fine.
That’s when it lands how lame I’ve become. I see it clearly for a second. I realize I need to get back on the dating apps. I fucking suck right now. I feel desperate and sad, and any girl who smiles at me or talks to me for two seconds, my brain jumps straight to, oh, marry me. Oh, fuck. That’s not good. So I tell myself I need to get back into the apps—not because I want to, but because I have to. I just need to use them better, not be such a crackhead about it. Do my swipes and get out instead of spiraling.
So I open my mind and get back on the apps, and one profile immediately delivers something wild — a woman whose profile basically announces she’s a freak and wants a partner who’s open to all kinds of things. I’m sitting there processing it, a little out of my depth, and then catching myself: who am I to judge what someone’s into? I’ve always thought people are way more varied in their desires than they admit. Then I start trying to be funny about it, because every profile says she wants a guy who’s funny, and I’m like, I’m fucking funny, listen to this shit, this is funny.
Then I shut myself down again. No, Jerry, this isn’t funny. This is just you being a lame asshole. And then I laugh at how my brain runs off the rails the second I let it.
That’s when I realize these journals are actually helping. I’m not censoring myself here. I’m just being honest. If people don’t like it, then fuck them. This is me telling the truth about my day as it actually runs through my head, not some cleaned-up, respectable version. I’m not going to sanitize it or pretend it’s something it’s not. This is just me, rationalizing and spiraling like I do every day, fully aware that some people are going to leave a one-star review and say it’s too much, ew, I’m out of here. Fine. Suck it.
After yoga and fully realizing what a petty bitch I’d been, I go home and feel… oddly satisfied. There’s a little hit of vindication in it. I’m like, yeah, that’s right. You had too much of me. Fine. You don’t get any of me today. Now we’ll see if she’s there tomorrow. I sit with that for a moment, then go straight into stuffing my face with hummus and carrots and celery and whatever else I can find, because I’m a plant-based bitch. I think about those dating profiles where the very first photo is some goddamn steak, and I’m like, yeah, me and this woman are not about to date right now. We’re not aligned. I head off to my AA meeting after that. My sponsor’s there. Nobody calls on me, which feels intentional, like they can all see exactly what kind of sad, petty bitch I am this morning. I imagine what it would sound like if they did call on me: yeah, I met the woman I met, talked to her for two hours, fell in love, she doesn’t want to talk to me back, my marriage fucked my whole life, thanks for listening. So yeah, nobody calls on me, and honestly, that’s probably for the best.
Then my massage therapist texts me and says she had a fucked-up night, isn’t feeling well, and can’t do the massage. I’m like, bitch, it’s thirty minutes before we’re supposed to meet. I’ve got no time to arrange a substitute. I still text a friend just in case—hey, you got anything?—and she’s like, no. My massage therapist says she can see me tomorrow, and I’m like, fuck, I hope you’re actually there. So no massage today. I go home instead and install Hinge. I’m officially back on the apps. I even ask ChatGPT to go over my dating profile, and honestly, it does a good job. I realize Hinge lets you sort by women who are online today, which feels like a small mercy. At least I’m not wasting time on dead prompts and abandoned profiles.
The best part is this one prompt. Hinge asks, “Dating me is like…” and I screenshot my whole profile, dump it into ChatGPT, and let it go to work. It knows a lot about me at this point from all my audiobooks, so it spits out: Dating me is like yoga—sometimes intense, sometimes silly, always worth staying for savasana. I laugh out loud the first time I read it. I’m like, shit, that’s actually good. That’s funny. So I swipe on all these women today. Want to guess how many matches I get? Zero. It’s fine, though. I swipe left on a lot too. I know I have a real preference for someone who shares my active, health-focused lifestyle — I live on a plant-based diet, I do yoga and tennis every day, and I used to weigh 250 pounds myself, so I know firsthand how much that lifestyle matters to me. That’s just honestly what I’m looking for in a partner.
It’s a little sad, too, because you can tell some people are presenting a version of themselves that isn’t quite current — the first photo is the most flattering and the rest tell a different story. I notice it and judge it, and then I catch myself doing it, which is its own thing to sit with.
And then my brain spins off into some ridiculous business idea about coaching people on the stuff that’s worked for me — a whole plant-based diet, The Body Keeps the Score, that kind of thing — and I immediately laugh at how that would never fly as a dating-app opener. Still, not bad brainstorming for a guy who isn’t making much right now, living off his soon-to-be ex-wife, writing books, and trying to figure himself out on dating apps. This really is good material, though, right? See, I am funny. Listen to how much I’m making myself laugh right now.
I have this moment where I wonder how well this is even going to transcribe, but then I’m like, ChatGPT can figure that shit out. Do what you’re told, bitch. Take out all the fucked-up stuff I said and turn this into a nice politically correct book so it doesn’t sound like I’m insane. Which is hilarious, because that’s exactly the opposite of what I want. This is me, uncensored. This is the real material.
Later, after I pick the kids up from school, I go to my AA meeting. I tell my ex-wife straight up what a sad, petty bitch I’ve been today. Right when I pick the kids up, they ask to go to McDonald’s. I’m like, no. Fuck McDonald’s. I’m tired of McDonald’s. We’re not going. And they get pissy and start ripping on me, and I finally snap a little and say, listen, I’m already in the shitter today. You don’t need to pile on right now. I’ve already had a shitty day. And weirdly enough, the whole thing turns around when I tell them about how petty I was with the woman from yoga at yoga that morning. I even think for a second, what are the odds the woman from yoga ever listens to this? Like zero, right? Maybe one percent. Whatever. This is just what it looks like from my point of view. Just show up when you say you’re going to come to a yoga class. Don’t try to sneak off from me. If you’re done, just tell me to my face. Say, listen, you’re too old, get away from me, or whatever. No one would actually say that, because I don’t look old in person. Maybe the four and the one on my profile scare some people off. But still—you can’t handle it. You can’t handle the truth. Every day, that’s what this is.
For a second I think this should be a podcast. Then I shut that down immediately. Fuck podcasts. I’m not doing that anymore.
So I go to my AA meeting after my ex-wife basically confirms, without saying it directly, that she was absolutely right to divorce me. Yep. Good call. You nailed that one. At the meeting, I bring up emotional sobriety as the topic. I tell them, look, to me, emotional sobriety is the actual goal of this whole program. It’s not about becoming some flatlined, dead zombie who doesn’t feel anything. Emotional sobriety, to me, is being able to feel the full range of emotions and not completely lose my mind when they show up. Saying that out loud feels good. That’s when my day really starts to turn around. Learning to feel the full range without losing your mind is so much easier with people walking it next to you, and if that’s where you are, you can set up a call with me.
I share in that room the same way I’m sharing here—maybe with slightly fewer of the crudest comments, but honestly not by much. Plenty of swearing. Plenty of honesty. Talking about what I’ve been doing, what I’ve been thinking, and where I’m at. And it works. It actually works.
And the day really did start to turn around. I find myself thinking, you know what, I’m actually proud that I can feel this much. I think back to Saturday—two days ago—and how high I was then. I remember how I sounded, euphoric, riding that wave, telling myself, oh my God, I’m going to find the hottest twenty-nine-year-old, have some kids with her, and that’s going to be really good. Then Sunday shows up and corrects the story. No, you’re not. Not that one, at least. Maybe another one. Maybe that one later. Who knows. Maybe she’ll see me at the next ecstatic dance, realize she was totally wrong not to date me, feel deeply sorry, and suddenly need me immediately and want me every day. That’s possible. I’m not saying it’s probable, but because I just said it, there’s some universe where that’s exactly how it plays out.
Either way, the AA meeting is genuinely therapeutic. I keep coming back to this idea that emotional sobriety is being able to handle life without acting insane or becoming a pain in the ass to everyone around you. That lands for me. I feel proud of that. After the meeting, there’s a girl there—she’s hot—but we’re not compatible. A friend already tried dating her and it turned into a disaster, so that’s a hard no. She’s nice, she’s a friend, and she’s been very supportive of my work. I’m not mentioning her by name because she might actually listen to this. If it’s you, you’ll know it’s you. And if it’s not you—which is pretty much everyone—you’ll know it’s not you. She was going through her own obsession with dating a guy, and I find myself thinking how similar our situations really are. We’re not on different sides of this. We’re in the same adventure, the same mess. It doesn’t matter whether someone’s genitals are different from yours or not—you’re operating in the same basic emotional environment.
After that, I have a tennis lesson with the new coach, and it’s great. He helps me see that I’m doing a lot of things right, while also pointing out where I need to improve. I need to stay more on my toes, pay closer attention to where my legs are going, and set myself up for easier shots instead of getting lazy and just standing there whacking at the ball without giving it real attention. That clicks, and it connects to something I’d been thinking about: presence. The idea that instead of checking out and fantasizing my way through things, I should actually be present — embodied, paying attention to what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
And then I immediately think, oh goddamn it, Jerry. I thought I could handle how raw this is, but my mind keeps pushing it further, because that’s what it does — toward curiosity about what I’m actually open to, what I haven’t tried, what I’ve assumed about myself. The principle underneath it stays the same: practice the way you want to play. Be present. Be aware. I crack myself up chasing these thoughts down, thinking, see, I’m funny.
I start wondering if this is dark humor, because the more fucked up it gets, the more I laugh. The more inappropriate it is, the funnier it feels to me. ChatGPT keeps trying to give me these clever little prompts for my dating profile—dad-joke energy—and I’m like, I swear to God, if you put dad jokes in my goddamn profile again, I’m going to shove this fucking phone up your artificial asshole.
My dating profile says I’m forty-one and I’ve got two kids, and yeah, this is probably why you’re divorced, isn’t it. So you can be in the house at 10:55 p.m. telling non-dad jokes—the real jokes, the kind of shit teenagers would laugh at and say, oh, this motherfucker’s sick, I love it. I start imagining this turning into something else entirely, like I’m going to end up on tour reading this stuff out loud, the audiobook stand-up comedian. It’s funny because this is exactly the kind of material you don’t hear at comedy clubs. It’s too nasty for that. Then I lose my place for a second and have to rewind mentally, because I just bulldozed through about five different thoughts at once.
Back to that idea of presence. The reason it keeps coming up is the principle: you have to practice the way you want to play. You don’t go out on the field throwing footballs into the sidelines during practice and then expect to magically hit a receiver in stride during the game. You practice exactly how you want to perform. So I’m thinking, I don’t want to keep checking out and picturing someone who isn’t there, because then when I’m actually with a real partner, my mind is somewhere else entirely. I already know I’ve done that before — even in my marriage — and it left me feeling like shit. That’s what happens when you practice your sexuality that way for a decade or two. You train yourself into it.
I think about how early all this started for me — basically from the moment I learned how everything worked in sex ed. Once I figured it out, I was like, this is something we should be doing every day. It’s like a completely legal thing that works every time. That thought spirals into a memory of someone recently telling me they were having trouble sleeping, and me thinking that putting the phone down and getting that release before bed would probably help them more than they’d expect.
I sleep like a baby, though. I get all this crazy shit out of my head, take care of myself, and I’m out cold. The irony is that I’m actually starting to dread the routine of it. And then I catch myself again — if I don’t want to be checked out, fantasizing about other people, when I’m with a real partner, then maybe I shouldn’t be practicing that every night either. So what am I supposed to do with that?
My half-serious solution is that maybe I should just put my phone number back on my website and let people give me advice. And then I immediately imagine how badly that could go — some random text months from now referencing this exact rambling monologue, long after I’ve forgotten I ever recorded it. Right. That.
Somehow that thought reminds me of something else entirely. There are a lot of beautiful Black women on these apps, and I notice I’m drawn to them — and that’s probably where I should stop for the night.
I haven’t dated a Black woman before — I tried once and it didn’t work out — but I saw some beautiful Black women on the apps today and caught myself genuinely interested. There’s nothing wrong with finding someone attractive. It’s one of those moments where I realize my riffing sounds better out loud, because on the page my brain just looks unhinged. That’s the tradeoff.
I try to remember if anything else even happened today. Oh yeah — I got on Bumble after the meeting, because everyone keeps telling me Bumble is where it’s at. Not much luck. Then someone actually liked me back — one of the women I’d noticed. She wants kids, which I appreciate, though she’s around forty and clearly put it off for a while. Then I see she lives in Orlando, and that’s the dealbreaker — I’m not trying to date two hours away. So that was that.
And speaking of Jesus, I’ve been meaning to go off on this for a while. I see these profiles where the first line is “follower of Christ,” and I think, that guy lived two thousand years ago — how are you still following him? People who followed me online last year stopped because I deleted everything, so I genuinely don’t get the staying power. Why do people care so much about a figure from that far back? To me it feels like one of the most obvious mind-control stories of all time. And then I hear myself: okay, Jerry, now you’ve really crossed a line, going off on religion. But this is honestly how my mind works.
I genuinely struggle to understand how people take this so seriously. He lived two thousand years ago, and I’m supposed to organize my life around how much he loves me? Even if he’s still around in some form, I can’t imagine he’s thrilled with the state of organized Christianity or the way a lot of people practice it. That’s my honest read on it.
I remember when I was getting sober, how desperate I got — desperate enough to pray to Jesus, which tells you how bad it was. I’d pray not to drink, and my mind would just keep chanting drink, drink, drink anyway. Eventually I figured the program and the people around me were doing the actual work, not the prayers. If you’re in your own hard stretch and want to talk through what actually helps when you’re desperate, you can book a one-on-one call with me and we’ll work through it together. That experience is a big part of why organized religion doesn’t land for me. I’m just being honest about where I am with it.
I see these profiles where women say they want a man who goes to church, and I think: I’m old enough now that I don’t need someone telling me how to live my life. I don’t need to sit in a room while someone explains what’s good and bad and threatens me with hell. The one that gets me is the profile covered in Christianity that also has a drink in every single picture. So it’s fine as long as you believe the right things? That contradiction is what I can’t get past.
At some point even I hear myself and think, alright, this rant is getting tired. Half the audience probably doesn’t care about this one. Still, I swipe on some of these religious women anyway, because part of me just wants the chance to say: if you want church, sit and listen to me talk for an hour — I guarantee I’m more interesting than the sermon, because I’m talking about real life instead of droning through a passage of scripture. I know that’s a lot of attitude packed into one impression.
So I reset again and pull up my Hinge profile. I’m thinking, alright, this is getting matches from out of town, but can I get someone closer to home? I look at my bio and start explaining it to myself. I went to ChatGPT and asked, what do women complain about most? And it comes back with: men are emotionally unavailable, addicted to shit, bad at communication, only want casual sex, aren’t good listeners, and take life too seriously. Alright. Cool. Watch this.
My profile starts with: Emotionally available. Then: Eleven years sober and a super communicator. That knocks out three of the biggest complaints in the first sentence, in like ten words. Then I add: I see my two kids every day and want at least two more. Very real talk. That’s why I’m here — I’m not on this app just for something casual, I’m on it because I actually want more kids.
Back to my profile. My friends say I’m a great listener, honest enough to say what we’re all thinking, and that I should be a stand-up comedian. And yeah, maybe I should. But I don’t want to just stand on a stage telling jokes. I want it to be real talk. Let me tell you how my day actually went. Maybe I’ve practiced this enough that I could do it. Maybe I really should get up at an open mic and just drop this exactly like this, then say, listen to my audiobooks, and walk off. Drop the mic. That actually sounds kind of perfect.
So let me read the Hinge profile again, because I keep interrupting myself. Emotionally available. Eleven years sober. A super communicator. I see my kids every day and want at least two more. My friends say I’m a great listener, honest enough to say what we’re all thinking, and that I should be a stand-up comedian. It’s 11:07 p.m., so it’s about time to wrap this whole thing up.
I get home, finish setting up my profile on Bumble, fill all that shit out, and then I’m like, yeah, if you could just find me a woman who’s actually hot, wants kids, and will fuck me every day, that would be great. Maybe she’s got some money too, so I don’t have to work and I can just do shit like this all day, along with yoga and tennis. That would be ideal. I think I’ve gotten most of it out at this point. What did I have for dinner? Nobody gives a fuck what you had for dinner, bro. I had a salad, since you asked. I tossed it. That’s it.
I’m laughing to myself thinking, fuck listening to somebody else’s stand-up comedy. I’m just going to see how many times I can make myself laugh doing this. Because really, that’s the bottom line. Those are guaranteed laughs. Guaranteed. And then I can already hear the imaginary critic: you shouldn’t curse so much. Yeah, yeah. Some people aren’t going to want to listen to this, and that’s fine — it’s not for them.
I go down the street and say goodnight to the kids. Put them to bed. Sing to them. Do all that good stuff. I feel like I’m doing good enough as a dad. Then I go over to see my mom, and she helps cheer me up when I’m feeling low. I tell her about the woman I met and the message she sent me. What’s funny is how different people react to the same thing. I show the message to my ex-wife, and she looks pretty put off by it. Then I show it to one of the women at the AA meeting, who’s actually close to her age, and she’s like, oh, that’s a nice message. And I’m like, what is nice about that message? That she doesn’t have time for me over the next month? That maybe she’ll see me later? That our conversation didn’t mean shit to her? That we’re “great friends”? How are we great friends? I have her phone number. I talked to her for a couple of hours one night. How does that make us great friends?
And then I think about how funny it would be if the woman I met actually listened to this. Even funnier if there was some kind of watch party or listening party with the woman I met, the woman from yoga, and everyone else I talk about in here, all sitting around listening to this shit together. Honestly, I’d show up for that. I’d want to be there for that.
Oh—and I’ve been listening to Charlie Sheen’s autobiography today, The Book of Sheen. I’ve actually been enjoying it. At the same time, I’m listening and thinking, alright, Charlie Sheen is interesting, but my shit is funny too. What I’m doing here is funny. I even shook Charlie Sheen’s hand once, which still makes me laugh. I felt dirty afterward, like I needed to wash my hands immediately. My ex-wife and I went to his “Winning” tour right after he got canceled, which I can relate to a lot more now than I could back then. And honestly, I’ll be happy if I don’t get canceled myself for doing such deeply inspiring comedy as this.
At some point I realize it’s checkout time for the day. I also had one of those required divorce courses playing in the background while I was swiping on Bumble. It’s brutal. They start talking about child abuse and domestic violence, and I’m like, I don’t need this right now. I don’t need to hear about kids getting hurt or people getting beaten at home. I’m already fried. Click. Click. Click. I just run out the clock on the course, because you have to sit there for a certain amount of time. Then it makes you write things. Define abuse. I’m like, when something fucked up happens, that’s abuse. I don’t actually put that. I try to clean it up and write something like willfully being an asshole and physically hurting someone. Whatever. Close enough.
By this point, I’m spent. I’ve talked myself out for the day. Maybe one person out there will like this dark sense of humor. One of these profiles keeps saying how funny she wants a guy to be, and I’m like, I’m funny. Listen to this. Tell me I’m not funny.
Alright. I’m stopping. Jesus, please help me stop. Oh fuck. It’s working.
If you connect with how I live and think, you can follow the rest of my days on YouTube in my Life playlist.
From Hopeless Alcoholic to 10 Years Happily Sober
From my video published January 24, 2024.
My friends, welcome to chapter three of my autobiography, where I tell you my life's most meaningful stories. One of the biggest stories in my life is how I got sober, because I went from being a chronic, relapsing alcoholic who could not get sober no matter what else happened, to now, where I've been sober almost 10 years, and I love it in Alcoholics Anonymous. I've helped a lot of other people get sober, and there's no going back to drinking for me. I don't want to go back to drinking, and it seems crazy to me that I got tricked into drinking in the first place.
So I want to cover my whole sobriety journey and keep it big-picture here, and then go into more detail on certain parts in future episodes.
Growing up with my dad's drinking
My dad was an alcoholic, and I remember him getting sober when I was six years old. I never drank when I lived at home before I went to college, because I saw my dad's drinking, and it was ugly, and I didn't want it. As long as I knew I had my parents to come home to, and I lived in a sober house, I had no desire to drink. It purely looked unappealing and unnecessary.
When I went off to college, I would go to parties where people were drinking, and I remember telling people, you don't need alcohol to have fun. I remember feeling far superior to everyone else there. Like, I don't need alcohol to have fun, and all of you guys are losers for needing alcohol to have fun. I remember being like that with everybody.
How I got sold on drinking
And then something happened. I got sold on drinking. After seeing enough people get drunk and seeing people have fun, I forgot about where I came from, and I got tricked into believing the lie that alcohol makes life fun, that drinking is cool. I especially drank for the first time hoping it would help me relax and get with a girl. After tens of thousands of beer commercials, where they show you drink beer and these hot girls appear, and all these movies, I was programmed that alcohol is something that is great, that makes life better, that you use it to cope with life. Being away from my parents, I finally forgot what I've come to believe is the truth: that alcohol is a poison. It's unnecessary, and it holds you back. It makes you worse.
When I first drank, my life was going pretty well. I was in pretty good health. I was at a healthy weight. I certainly had a few little issues from childhood and stuff, but I was mostly a whole person who loved myself and was pretty effective in life. I got good grades. I got along decently with people. I had friends.
Fast forward 11 years later, and I'd gotten to be lonely, full of self-hatred, full of all these memories of guilt and shame and remorse about mostly things I'd done drinking.
Losing my dream job as a police officer
I had this career as a police officer, which was my vision in college for what I wanted. Drinking and smoking weed made it take years extra before I could become a police officer. Instead of graduating with my bachelor's and becoming a police officer, I had to work in corrections for a year, which was brutal, because I'd smoked weed — I was drunk when I first smoked weed and tried it. And police departments did not want someone who'd smoked weed within the last year, and preferably not within the last three years. So I finally got my dream job as a police officer when it had been three years since I'd smoked weed. And within a year and a half, I had lost that job from drinking.
All the problems they stated when they sat me down were all problems that happened drinking. My dad asked me at that time — he'd been sober for 19 years — he asked if I thought drinking had anything to do with losing my job and my career and blowing my life up and having to move home or be homeless. And I told my dad, no, it wasn't my drinking. It was the police department, and they didn't treat me fairly. I was so delusional.
That's what makes your life difficult with alcohol: it contributes to this delusional, self-centered, self-pitying thinking, which often exists before drinking, but then becomes greatly exaggerated, more and more, as you drink.
Living at home and hiding it
Living at home with my parents was very healthy. I did not drink when I lived at home, except when they were gone for a couple of days. They almost kicked me out when I drank while they were gone, because they said no drinking in the house. They said, one more time like that, and you're going to be out here on the street. And I believed them. So I would date girls and go drink at their houses. I'd go to the casino and drink at the casino — anything so I could drink and keep living at home. But I got way healthier, even just drinking less, living at home.
Then I moved and went to grad school, University of South Florida in Tampa. And I met my wife. As soon as I met my wife, I had to start hiding my drinking from her. I lied on my profile on Match and said I was a social drinker — which, to me, my wife's the social drinker. She might have a drink or two with her friends once or twice a month. I was a binge drinker, an alcoholic that would drink a half gallon of liquor or more every week, and would drink a 12-pack of beer like it was water between liquor drinks.
Once I even took the first drink, I often couldn't control what I drank next. I remember buying these margaritas and being like, all right, I'm not just going to drink vodka and Dr. Thunder tonight, I'm going to have a margarita. But then I'd have the liquor drink first and wake up the next day and regret it. I'm like, man, once I started that vodka, I couldn't even stop for a moment to have a margarita. How out of control are you when you can't even control which drinks you drink? I'd often start drinking whatever I wanted to kind of enjoy and drink differently — I'd have to have that as the first drink, otherwise it was straight vodka and Dr. Thunder and video games and drinking all night.
When I moved in with my wife, we had this huge fight because I was drunk and screaming at Call of Duty Black Ops zombies at three in the morning when she needed to get up for work. She understandably was upset. So I told her I would stop drinking. I swore to God I wouldn't drink. And what happened? I stayed sober and felt sorry for myself for two months. Then I relapsed when I was out of town visiting my friends, and then I was wallowing, pissy, crying on the phone to my wife, feeling so bad. I stayed sober five more months, and then I managed to talk myself into why I should be able to drink, because clearly I'm not an alcoholic — if I could stay sober five months, a real alcoholic couldn't do that. I'll just drink out of town so I won't fight with my wife.
The real problem wasn't the drinking
That's what I started to realize when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and got sober: it wasn't my drinking that was the real problem. My drinking was a symptom of the real problem. The real problem was that my sober thinking was so insane that I could be sober for five months, and then sober for seven months except for one single relapse, and then decide to drink again, even though everybody — including my wife, who was not in favor of it, and my father, who was very hurt and scared — tried to talk me out of it, and I wouldn't have any of it.
That's the real nature of the disease, in my experience: your sober thinking is so warped, so self-centered, so sick, that you can't see it, but everybody else sees it — unless they're as sick and insane as you are. And sometimes they see it and they just don't want to say anything, because of how it reflects on them. But everybody else can see how sick you are. Even if you're hiding it, people are very aware of it. If you see this same warped thinking in yourself or someone you love and want to talk it through with someone who has lived it, you can join Jerry Banfield Family, no judgment, just one person's honest experience.
After going back to drinking out of town, I eventually got back to binge drinking again, back to the half gallon of vodka. I'd throw some rum in there too and drink like 12 or 18 Dr. Thunders in the night, drink from 2 in the afternoon to 8 in the morning. My wife would be going off to work, and I'd be hungover all day.
Finally, I realized that my drinking was hopeless. My wife said she was going to leave, and I realized it doesn't matter if she leaves — I have to drink anyway. And if she leaves, drinking will just be an excuse. Like, well, my wife left, of course I drink. I realized that was going to be the end of my life. I had this perfect, beautiful, wonderful wife, everything I'd ever hoped for, and my drinking was pushing her away, and I couldn't stop it. In fact, I told her, go ahead and leave, I don't need you. And then I was drinking, and I woke up the next day and I'm like, remember what I said?
My last drink: April 21, 2014
I threw up blood. That was the last time I had a hangover. The last thing I drank was April 21st, 2014. The last hangover and the first day I committed to being sober was April 22nd.
I realized I was completely hopeless. It didn't matter if I wanted to stop drinking. It didn't matter if I tried to stay sober. It didn't matter if I read books. It didn't matter if I promised everybody — I would always go back to drinking at some point. There would always be some BS reason, there would be some excuse, I would forget the pain I was in. This is the same kind of morning I've written about before, when I hit rock bottom and a single thought about AA gave me hope.
In that state, I prayed desperately to God. I'm like, please. And I didn't even believe in God. I'm like, please, I'll do anything to get sober. And the thought came that, well, going to Alcoholics Anonymous might be a part of the anything you just offered. And then I felt hope. I'm like, wow, that doesn't seem so bad, and that might work. I knew staying at home trying to be sober wouldn't work. I knew promising people I'd be sober wouldn't work. But I thought maybe AA will help.
When I went to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, it was after a week of staying sober and going to my father's memorial. I knew that I would either have to drink the day after my father's memorial, or I would have to go to an AA meeting. I went to an AA meeting. I felt miserable.
Walking into a room full of happy people
I felt like a failure. And I walked in and I found a room full of people who were happy. It felt like some family barbecue. I was so confused. I was like, why are they all happy? I'm miserable and scared, and these people are happy, joyous, and free. And then I thought, I want to be like them. I want what they have.
I introduced myself when they said, is anybody coming back? I shared a little bit of my story. And I refused to get phone numbers, because I was so delusional — I'm thinking, oh, people calling me trying to sell stuff and et cetera. I wouldn't get any phone numbers, but I got in my car and I cried, because I felt so much love, and I felt so good for the first time in a long time. My dad had passed away three months before, and I felt like that was the first time I could really feel my dad's presence since he passed away. And that's the presence of love. It's the people at the AA meeting who loved me and cared about me.
I knew, I've got to go back. That meeting left me feeling — I felt like crap when I went there, and I felt great when I left. I've got to keep doing that. If you want the full picture of how I came to love these rooms, I go deeper on it in the truth about AA: meetings, the 12 steps, the Big Book, and sponsors.
Two meetings a week
So in my backwards thinking, I rationalized that going to two AA meetings a week was about the same as binge drinking for 30 or 40 hours a week. And thankfully, for a couple months, that worked. I went to a meeting every Tuesday and every Thursday at the same group. Eventually people got me to leave them my numbers, somewhat forcibly sometimes.
The first couple of months, I was in fear. I was scared for my life. By going to AA, I knew I was really doing something about my drinking. Then, after a couple of months, I was feeling restless, irritable, and discontent. I was not enjoying being sober. I was having trouble sleeping. My mind was racing constantly. I'm like, this is why I drink, this sucks. This is why I drink, because this is what happens when I'm sober — I progressively get more crazy and more aggravated, and there's nothing to take the edge off.
Then I was mean to my wife. I didn't want to spend July 4th with her, and I said her family was not being nice to me, which was crap — her family had been very nice to me. I didn't even realize how much they had encouraged my wife to not give up on me and to support me. I had screamed at their dog, told their dog to shut up because he kept barking, and then I rationalized after that that her family wasn't treating me well — even though her family had seen how crazy I was. So instead of admitting that and doing something about it, I made this story up that seemed perfectly honest to me at the time: that I don't like them and I don't like how they're treating me. So I told my wife I didn't want to be around her family. She said, fine, spend July 4th by yourself, and she went to spend the day with her family.
The breakthrough: sober, I am insane
And then the obsession to drink landed on me. I'd had two months off of the obsession to drink. The obsession to drink is where all you think about and want to do all day is drink — yes, there may be momentary distractions, work, the gym, a phone call, but as soon as those stop, it's right back to my mind thinking about drinking. For weeks, all I could think about, all day, every day, was drinking.
That's when I had the big breakthrough. I realized: sober, I am insane. And that's so much bigger of a problem than drinking. My sober thinking, totally without a drink or a drug or any medication — that's sober — I'm insane, and I should be locked up. That's what I was thinking. I'm like, oh my God, this is really hopeless.
So I shared about that in a meeting. I said one day that I hated being sober, and that I barely made it to the AA meeting without drinking, and the next day I was planning on drinking. Because in AA they're like, don't drink today, just stay sober for today, you can drink tomorrow. After two weeks of every day being like, I'm going to stay sober today and drink tomorrow, I'm like, it is tomorrow. It is tomorrow. I'm like, dude, I'm so sick. I'm in here trying to rationalize why I should drink myself to death, sober. I'm so sick, I'm so screwed.
And that got me out of that desperation. I started taking suggestions.
One suggestion that changed everything
This one lady, who'd been sober 20 years, talked about how relaxing massage was, and I latched onto that. I'm like, I'm desperate to relax. So I went and got a massage. I was scared to get a massage — my mind was making up all this crazy stuff about what was going to happen getting a massage, how expensive it was. I got a massage, and I felt fantastic.
Then I realized, wow, this lady who has 20 years sober gave me one single suggestion, and it was extremely effective. If that's possible, then there are a bunch of other things like that that are possible, and if I'll open my mind and learn and try some new things, I can really enjoy being sober.
From there, I latched onto AA. I've loved AA, and I've progressively gotten better and better and better, healthier and healthier and happier. I've taken so many suggestions. Some people give crazy suggestions that should be ignored, and the way you tell the difference is just to ask a bunch of other people whatever you're thinking about and get everybody's feedback.
I've been able to do everything else in my life that I couldn't do drinking. Sober, I've finally been able to make some serious money, do work I love, lose weight and keep it off, and get my body so healthy that, in my experience, I haven't had any significant illness in over a year now. My life just keeps getting better and better being sober, and I keep helping more and more people. I love it. This kind of long-haul change is what I mean when I talk about long-term emotional sobriety in action.
Why I tell this story as often as I can
This is why I tell the story of getting sober as often as I can, because this is where the miracle happened in my life. My life's trajectory was going toward tragedy for quite a while, until I desperately prayed to do anything to stay sober, and I went to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I committed to living this way of life and being sober. Now my life is just on a trajectory of inspiration, of joy, of teaching other people how to live and turn their life around. I keep telling these stories in my Life playlist if you want to follow the whole journey.
So I hope this has been useful for you to know that if I could get sober, as messed up as I was, you absolutely can too — and that you might not even be able to imagine how good it will be for you, but I hope you'll start trying.
AA Speaker Meeting — Celebrating 7 Years Sober in Alcoholics Anonymous!
From my video published June 18, 2021.
Seven Years Sober
My name's Jerry. I'm an alcoholic. Thank you all for being here today. My sobriety date is the 22nd of April, 2014. I just had seven years a little while ago, and I'm here to share my story with you with the hope it can inspire you — whether you're just getting started or whether you've been going at this forever, longer than I've been alive, and you're looking to stay motivated with it.
What I'll start off with today is remembering that about seven years ago, I had just come into AA, and my mind was telling me I should just drink. I should just get it over with, because there's no way I'm ever going to be able to stay sober for any period of time. I'm glad I didn't listen to those thoughts, because I've got over seven years today, and seven years ago that looked impossible. Like, why even try? Why try? Just get it over with and drink again. Accept your fate. Now, I hope that if any of you today are feeling like "I can't do this, it's too hard," you will be amazed at what you can do.
What's awesome is that once I worked these steps and this process in my life on alcohol, I looked at every other aspect of my life like, man, if I can see that kind of change getting sober, let's do this for my diet. Let's do this for my relationships. Let's do this for my family. Let's do this for how I think, how I talk — everything. I'm so grateful today that I am an alcoholic, because it's shown me how powerful I am — with all of your help, with a higher power — that I'm not alone, I'm not hopeless, I'm not helpless. And that's exactly how I felt when I came into AA.
Growing Up with an Alcoholic Father
So I'll tell you my story here in chronological order. We'll start with how I got to being an alcoholic and then how I got sober. I was born in Michigan near Detroit in 1984, which puts me — I just turned 37 yesterday. Yes, thank you. I chose a father who was an alcoholic, a drug addict, and a gambler with some sex issues. And I chose a mother who was just getting out of an abusive first marriage, hadn't signed the divorce papers yet, and was looking to get pregnant with little me. My dad was not on board with that. But I thought, these two parents — you two will be just perfect. I can help you, and you can get me into this world in a good place.
My father got sober when I was six years old. He quit drugs when I was a year or two old. He got kicked out of the house where we were living. My mom had lost her job because of having me, and she was living with my father's parents — and my father got kicked out of his parents' house. So when I was a baby, my dad wasn't around until my mom went in the Army when I was about a year old. My dad said he was going to get sober with his aunt and uncle. My mom flies down to Texas, got little me ready to go for the Army and a fresh start — and my dad has a couple of beers to celebrate and show her how good he's doing. It was a wild ride from there. My dad got into all kinds of things with his drinking.
He finally had his moment when I was about five years old. My mom was an officer in the Army in Japan at the time, and there were a lot of men there, not a lot of women — men were lining up to be with my mother at work while my father was just going down the drain. He was selling at this market they had, and my kindergarten teacher came by his stand to buy something when he had a hangover. He'd been drinking rum and Cokes the night before and was looking, as he put it, like a bag of assholes. And my kindergarten teacher, Miss Bone, gave him this disgusted look for a moment. Like, ugh. It was like she could really see him. For some reason, after all my father had been through — suicide attempts and all the insane things he'd been through in his life — for some reason that really got to him. And he never drank again after that. He passed away in 2014.
I saw my father drink and smash things and the insanity of his drinking, and I saw the next morning when he'd be so sorry and take us shopping to go buy a new clock to replace the clock he smashed the night before. And then I saw him sober — no more mornings where he was sorry and "let's take you all out to eat." It was just right on edge. You spill a glass of milk: "What the fuck did you do? Jesus Christ, Gerald." He just snapped. You never knew when dad was gonna go off like a bomb. He didn't like Alcoholics Anonymous — he had gone when he was in the mental hospital earlier in his life and he got a bad opinion of it — and he just got sober doing it on his own somehow, and stayed sober. He stayed at home and was there for me every day. My mom went and worked, so every day when I got home from school, my dad would be there. He made dinner, he took care of everything, and my dad is one of the most positive forces in my life.
My dad kept me completely out of trouble until I was 18, and completely sane when it came to alcohol. I even went to a few parties in high school and I'm like, I don't want any of that alcohol shit. I remember how my dad was. I don't want to be like that. And I remember filling out a top secret security clearance to go to work with my mom for an internship, and it asked all these questions: Have you ever smoked weed? Have you drank alcohol? Have you done all these things? And I put no — just no after no. And I'm like, who does all this dumb shit? Who gets into all this trouble?
College and My First Drink
Then I went to college. My parents were up in Virginia, and I went to college at the University of South Carolina because, long story short, that was the best scholarship I could get. Just a little bit of time away from that loving, protective atmosphere at home, and my mind started to change about a lot of things. I started to progressively let out and see how bad I could act. I made it through the first two thirds of freshman year without drinking, saying things like, "I don't need alcohol to have fun." In fact, I'd be the DD and act dumber than my roommates at the party because I knew people were drinking. I'm like, I can get away with really letting it out right now. This is awesome. And then I can just get in the car sober and drive home. Like, this is great. I don't need alcohol.
There was this girl down the hall, and I used to think, sober, she is such a bitch. She's just not fun. She's not friendly. And she gets a few drinks in her, and all of a sudden she's awesome. I don't know what happened, but at some point I realized I was looking in a mirror like, damn, that's how I am. I'm a dick normally. No wonder people don't want to hang out with me. I'm not fun.
So I had a girl I was trying to hook up with — I'd failed a bunch of attempts to hook up with girls sober. For some reason, my sober mindset and their drunk mindset didn't work well together. And I thought, what? I just need to get a few beers in myself and I'll be more fun. I got some Miller High Lifes — and I knew exactly who to ask to go to the gas station, even though I hadn't drank. It's like I'd been keeping an eye on all these things, and as soon as I made the decision, I knew who to go to. I drank two and a half Miller High Lifes and had this girl over that my friend had already hooked up with. Up to that point, losing my virginity seemed like the biggest deal. And after two and a half beers, I didn't care about that anymore. I felt so damn good. I just laid on the bed, numb. Like, oh, this is awesome. Euphoria. This is a feeling I've been looking for. I can't wait to do this again. And yeah, the girl's confused as to why I didn't seem interested in her anymore after two and a half beers. It's like, well, I don't need you. I've got alcohol.
The First Hangover
It continued to progress. The next time, I plotted on going to this party, and I got hammered. About two weeks later, I just drank a bunch. I'm like, if two and a half beers was that good, let's really put it down at this party and see what happens. And I did. I drank a bunch of beers, a bunch of shots, and it was all good until 2 a.m., when it all came up. The room started spinning, and I was as miserable physically as I'd ever been in my whole life. I had the worst hangover I've still ever had. I threw up. I didn't know all these little hangover remedies, like drink water and try and get some food down and take several Advil if you can choke those down. I just went through this hellacious hangover.
It was Easter weekend, and I remember just wishing I was back home with my parents and had my Easter basket, crying in my dorm room bed. And on the cable network, they had Pay It Forward on. It was as if the universe was trying to tell me something — it's like I had to keep watching it. And I'm like, I'm not like that at all. This has nothing to do with me. I'm not hiding liquor bottles. I'm just having a hangover. At the time, I thought, oh my God, I'll never do this again. This is utterly miserable. Nothing could be worse than this amount of pain. It took two days to feel better. And I'm not sure what exactly happened, but after I felt better, I started to get this idea in my head: maybe if I just don't drink that much, I can have the fun without the consequences. And I did that for most of a year. I would mostly just have three or four, five or six drinks, and cut it off.
Fun Without the Consequences
I told myself, all right, I want to have the fun without the consequences. And I did. I'd go to a party, have a few drinks, and think, okay, that's it — don't want to get sick. Then I don't know exactly when it flipped. At some point, I got drunk with my friend sophomore year, and all of a sudden it was, forget it — let's get drunk all the time. Screw the consequences. I'll take the hangover. It's worth the fun times I'm having. From there, it was a progression downhill.
When I went to college, I felt pretty good about myself. I hadn't done anything you might think of as wrong. Although I really didn't like my sexual side — I felt really ashamed about that and really frustrated. That was kind of the one thing that made me hate life: trying to find a girl and dealing with my own desires. Other than that, my whole life, my mind was pretty good. But the more I drank, the more I kept picking up all these other reasons to hate myself. It would be a drunken night of doing something stupid. I'd gamble hundreds of dollars away and wake up the next day — and in college, that was weeks' worth of money — just disgusted with myself. I'm such an idiot. How could I do that? I'd email PokerStars and tell them, I've got a gambling issue, please ban me from the website. And then I'd go create an account on somebody else's computer the next day. I'd get my bank account banned. My life suddenly went from where I was kind of guiding it and had some control to where it was just flowing, and I didn't get to say what I did anymore. I'd make a decision — I'm never going to gamble again — and then I'd have a drink, set up another account, start gambling again, and wake up the next day thinking, not again. This time it's $500. That's a month of my money. I'm screwed now. What am I going to do for money this month? I just lost it all.
One night senior year — the night I lost that $500 — I got so mad I smashed my whole dorm room apart. I broke the keys off the keyboard. I picked things up and threw them all over. I smacked and punched everything. I woke up the next morning with the lights still on and blood everywhere because I'd cut my hand somewhere, and I thought, I am not waking up to this right now. I just tried desperately to go back to sleep, woke up again — oh my God. And every time I did that, I dug myself into a deeper hole. Now I didn't get to drink just to have fun. Now I had to drink just to feel normal, because I was starting to hate myself so much that I didn't even want to deal with myself sober anymore.
By the end of senior year, I was drinking every day. I'd have several shots at a minimum, and I'd often get drunk at least half the week. I was selling liquor to the freshmen, too, in my dorm room. I'd bring cases of handles in and sell it to them, and when they'd get in trouble, I'd make sure they didn't squeal on me. And I progressively kept feeling worse. There were some nights that really scare me — nights where I was on the edge of doing serious harm to someone, often for no reason other than it's 3 a.m., everybody's asleep, and somebody needs to die now. You'd look at me today and think, I don't see how that's possible. And yet if you'd seen me 15 years ago in college, you'd be scared and confused. Why is this young man, who's had such a nice upbringing, hating himself so much and on the edge of violence?
Into the Prison
From there, things got even more interesting. I really wanted to understand. I felt like there was something wrong inside of me, and I thought I could be clever about it by going into criminal justice for my major — if I could figure out what's wrong with other people, I could discreetly figure out what's wrong with me without anybody knowing about it. So I went into criminal justice, and I ended up being a correction officer in prison. I was in with the juveniles — in with the murderers, the rapists, the worst ones in the whole prison. And it really struck me: the only difference between you and these kids is that you were loved growing up and these kids weren't. You came into a nice situation; these kids came into a nasty situation. But for the grace of God, I'd be in there and they'd be working there instead of living there.
In that prison, I was drinking before work because I needed some relief — I couldn't even stand going to work. I saw other people who'd come in drunk to night shift, and I thought, hell, if they can get drunk, I can have five beers before I come in. Those night shifts were miserable, because there's nothing like sitting in prison feeling your buzz wear off and knowing you can't get any more until you get off — and you've got to deal with these kids when they wake up first thing in the morning, and then your co-workers too. The co-workers were as bad as the kids.
I made it out of that prison only because I got so physically sick with mono that I couldn't keep working there. I took several weeks off, got sober, and pulled my life back together — by this point, I'd done that a few times. When things got bad enough, I'd think, I'd better get sober for a while and fix this mess up before I go all the way down the drain. The last three months working at that prison, I was sober, and it was a completely different work experience than when I worked there drinking. I was getting along with these kids. Some of the kids were actually starting to respect me and look up to me.
The Cycle Repeats
As soon as I got out of there and got a job as a police officer, I started drinking again, because I thought, I'm not that bad — corrections was just rough. I just needed to take some time off. I'm going to drink reasonably now. I can go out with my friends. I'm going to behave better this time. And again, same thing. I started drinking, blowing my girlfriend off. She goes to leave me, and I get suicidal. All of a sudden I need to get sober again — I can't drink now or I'm going to kill myself, because I'm barely staying alive sober, and if I get drunk right after she cheated on me and left me, then I'm probably going to actually do it. That lasted for three months, until I found a new girl to keep me company. Then I thought, well, I'm over her, I can drink again, I won't kill myself now. And the cycle repeated again.
I got another job — my dream police job, working at the university where I'd been an undergrad student. It was one of the highest-paying police jobs in town, and very nice work too. The only two real downsides were micromanagement and boredom. If you could handle those two things, it was the perfect police job, and I could. And I managed to stir up all kinds of trouble at that police department. At first, there were no issues — I would just drink with my friends. But the longer I kept working there, well, I had never worked a night shift and gone really hard on my drinking since corrections. And it got real scary: blowing my whole thousand dollars at the strip club multiple times, drunk driving all over town — literally doing the same things I policed. I'd arrest somebody for drunk driving at work, and the next night I'd be driving just like them, off duty, drinking.
A Gun on the Bathroom Floor
One night I was in the strip club in Columbia. I'd gone out with a couple of other officers and I had my gun on me, and the stripper's dancing all up on my leg. She asks, is that a gun? I say, no, it's my wallet, while I'm slipping it around behind my back thinking, how did she know? Then I walk into the bathroom of the strip club and my gun falls out on the floor, in the middle of the bathroom. These were just things I took for granted — this is just what happens when I drink. My gun's on the floor and I'm standing there thinking, what is wrong with me?
Another night I was out at the bar — thankfully I'd left the gun in the car this time. A girl walks by and spills a beer all over my shirt, which was not a nice shirt by any means; it was some cheap shirt that was not working to pick girls up. I start in on her right away, cursing her out. This guy stands up for her right next to me, and within five minutes I'm telling him, I'm going out to my car to get my gun — come out of this bar and I'll shoot you. And I'm sitting in my car waiting for this guy, thinking, come on. Thankfully, he stayed in the bar and left out a back door, and some kind of sanity came over me: why don't you take yourself home? So I went home. I woke up the next day thinking, I just told this guy I was going to shoot him. What if he sees me at work one day? "Oh, that's the guy who said he was going to shoot me." And I kept racking up all kinds of things like that.
After three years total in corrections and law enforcement — a year and a half at this department — I made my best arrest. I found this suspect they'd been looking for forever. I went the extra mile and located him. They called me back to headquarters, and I thought I was going to get a celebration — they were going to thank me for my good police work. I came back to headquarters walking in triumphant, and like eight officers jumped out of nowhere, grabbed a hold of me, told me to stay still: we're going to take all your weapons, and you're going to talk with us. This whole time I'd been thinking I'd gotten away with all the stuff I'd done while drinking off duty, and I was shocked at all the things they did know about — the Facebook messages I'd sent that scared people, when somebody knew I was a cop and reported me to the department over them.
I'd had little inklings of these things before, like out at the bar with my friends, hearing conversations. But I was shocked at the list of things they'd amassed. And they said, "What are we going to do about this?" And I said, "I'll just quit." They said, "Good, that'll make it simple for all of us." I moved home with my parents, and my dad said, "Boy, do you think this had anything to do with your drinking? Are you going to quit?" I said, "No, no. It was that police department. They were crazy there." Some of the things that were complained about were a little over the top of what I think really happened. Others were spot on. But I told myself, no, it was this department, it was that crazy lifestyle. I'm going to go to graduate school. I'm going to settle down. I'm going to find a nice woman and I'm going to drink reasonably. And my parents said, "Well, that's great. No drinking while you live with us."
I was able to go most of the time with my parents in 2009 and 2010 without drinking and be pretty happy most of the time. I lost weight and started to feel good about myself. Then I shipped myself off to USF, and I felt like I had a fresh reset. I can drink, I can enjoy life, I can date — my life is great. But there just kept being these weird things happening. I'd get out at three in the morning and I'd have my gun, thinking, maybe I'll find something to shoot right now. I'm lucky for all the things I almost did that I didn't do. And I'm glad for those things today, because I have empathy and compassion for somebody who actually did do something — murder. I can have compassion for about anything anybody's done because of all the things I've almost done. All the times I was in a really bad spot, murderous raging, nobody came across my path, and I was able to just go back into my room, go to sleep, and nothing bad happened.
The Right Woman Was Supposed to Fix Everything
Then I met my wife, and I'd set this thing up in my mind: if I just had the right woman and a nice job, and if my life was all just right, I would have no problems. I thought, once I move in with my wife, I'm going to stop all this dumb shit. There's not going to be all these drinking escapades and spending all this money at strip clubs. And I moved in with her and was extremely disappointed to see that nothing changed on my part. In fact, I was shocked at how my behavior looked from her point of view. What to me didn't look that bad — yeah, I stayed up all night screaming at the TV while I played Call of Duty — to me seemed like a good night of my drinking. That was about as good as it got. Nothing crazy happened. To her, that was totally unacceptable. I could see, wow, I'm a lot worse than I think I am. My idea of what's reasonable is her idea of insane.
We had a real rough night of yelling and screaming — another night of me walking around the apartment looking for something to shoot. Thankfully, she rescued me again, and all the wildlife hid, like, oh shit, let's get out of the way here. And I woke up the next day thinking, holy shit, dude, I'm fucked up. I'll never drink. This is real bad. So I swore to her, I said, "I swear to God, I'll never, ever drink again. I'll be sober." This was at the end of 2011, going into 2012. We'd been dating less than a year.
Plotting a Relapse
Then my friend's wedding came up. I didn't go to his bachelor party, but I went to his wedding, and I felt sorry for myself. Poor little Jerry can't drink. This is so depressing. All my friends are having fun. I'm missing out. And I cried, and I bitched, and it was an awful wedding. Then we took a trip for Christmas, and on some subconscious level, I plotted a relapse. I plotted ten days away from my wife during Christmas, which she was remarkably gracious about. I plotted that right at my weakest point, I would go visit my friends I really liked to drink with. And sure enough, for Christmas, they got me a bottle of my favorite: strawberry Smirnoff 70 proof vodka. I remember calling my wife the next day on the phone, after nothing bad happened except for the usual hangover I endured. I remember calling her, crying, driving back from Columbia, South Carolina to Sarasota, Florida: "I'm sorry. I'll never do this again. I'm so stupid."
I got back, and I stayed sober for five months. That was the longest I'd been sober since I started drinking. No meetings, no other kind of change — just focus on my work, focus on my school. And man, after five months, I somehow talked myself into believing the real issue was drinking and having fights with my wife. So if I could just go to Columbia to hang out with my friends, then I could drink there without causing problems in my marriage. I told my wife this great plan, and she said, "Well, it didn't work. Don't come back to me crying about it." I was like, it's going to go great. In my mind, this was her supporting me. And I called my dad up when I was sober, right before I drank, and my dad was just beside himself. "You've been doing so good. What are you doing? Why are you doing this? Try something else. Can't you just hang out with your friends without drinking?" I just didn't get it. I said, "Dad, this is good for me. Don't you understand? I've been really busy. I really need to just let it out."
I drank with my friends and had a great weekend. Nothing bad happened. I thought, awesome, I can make this a regular thing. So I started driving eight hours to Columbia, South Carolina to drink, for several months — I'd go about once a month. Then in about October, I thought, well, it seems kind of stupid to drive eight hours to go drink. I might get in an accident or something. I might hurt myself. It's expensive. I might as well just drink at home and control myself. After a year, all the lessons had been forgotten, and all of a sudden I was back drinking at home again. From there, it just went straight downhill. At first, it was fine from my point of view. From my wife's point of view, it was completely unacceptable the whole time and pushed her idea of how far unacceptable could get. But from my view, staying up late yelling at the TV was not a big deal.
When My Dad Died, It Went to a Whole New Level
Then my dad got sick and died. And that's when things really went to a whole new level. All of a sudden, drinking was only bringing up the devil every time. Now I didn't feel like I had any choice at all — I had to drink whether I wanted to stay sober or not. There was another wedding, more bachelor parties with my friends, more shame, more throwing a bunch of money at the strip club, spending a whole bunch of money on their dinners. My wife was just like, "What are you doing?" And I'm like, "I'm just going to stay sober all the time? Why?" One night, I had six drinks, and she told me, "That's enough. Stop." And I said, "Well, this doesn't even count now. This doesn't even count that I had a night of drinking. Now I need to get drunk tomorrow night — I was going to be sober tomorrow." She said, "I don't understand how six drinks isn't enough." And I told her, "That's not even half of where we were going tonight."
Finally, after my dad died, I had a few really rough nights just at home, screaming. One night, my dad, his dad, and his dad — who are all alcoholics and all died — all appeared to me. And I screamed at them for an hour at five in the morning. "Fuck you. You weren't there." Just screamed at them for an hour. My wife thought I was taking some other kind of drugs. But no, that's just what happens when I drink a lot sometimes. I don't need anything else to get that crazy.
At that point I was trying to stay sober, and by the end of April 2014, I wasn't even telling anybody when I was trying to get sober. I'd say in my head, I'm going to get sober, but I wouldn't tell anybody about it because I didn't want to have to tell them I was relapsing. So I'd make it a day, I'd make it two or three days. And I kept having this vision in my head of how my life was going to go. While at this point I'd somehow been faithful to my wife, I realized one night while I was drinking that I was going to be unfaithful to her. I was going to go down to one of these Asian massage parlors — there were a bunch of them; we lived near the airport. I could see that one night I was going to do that, and then I was going to feel so bad that I was going to shoot myself rather than deal with it, because I'd already nearly done that a bunch of times over less egregious violations. And I realized that's where I was going, and there was no choice. Clearly, the only way I was going to be faithful to my wife was to get sober. And clearly, I couldn't do that.
The Last Night I Drank
The last night I drank was April 21st, 2014. It started out like any other night. I went to work, went to the gym — I'm being productive today, I did my good, now I can drink. And I drank all afternoon and all evening till like five in the morning. I played a whole bunch of Call of Duty zombies and just drank vodka and Dr. Thunder — two shots a cup, putting one or two of those down an hour, all night. My wife finally had had enough. She said, "I can't be here with you drinking anymore." And I said, "That's fine. Go. I don't care." She said, "I'm going to go stay with my parents." I said, "That's fine." Then I remember talking to my friend about it: "Do you ever think about being unfaithful to your wife?" He was kind of horrified with that whole line of discussion. And then, to top the end of the night off, I found a website in China where I could use my credit card to put $500 on and gamble. I hadn't gambled online since 2006, and I'd thought I'd never do that again. And I thank God I gambled that night.
Desperate Enough to Ask God for Help
That night removed any illusion that I had any amount of control at all. I woke up the next day and threw up blood. I realized I'd lost $500 on a credit card — I'd be paying interest on that for months, and I didn't have $500 to be pissing away. And my wife said she was going to leave. I said okay, and I thought, holy shit — I can see where this is going and I can't stop it. I'd proven I couldn't get sober no matter what I said, no matter what I did. I was going to drink again. And that got me desperate enough to go to God and say, "God, please, I'll do anything — anything — to get sober."
And I had a little thought that came after that. The thought was: well, maybe going to one of those AA meetings would be a part of the "anything" you just offered. And that seemed pretty okay to me. I'd been imagining it would be worse — when you offer anything, you don't know what you're going to get. I thought, that doesn't seem too bad, I can do that. So I scheduled a meeting for the next week, figuring I could surely stay sober until then. And I planned it deliberately, because my dad's memorial was that weekend and we were driving to Mississippi. I realized the day after I came back, it was either drink — you're going to get drunk — or go to AA. There were no other options. I wasn't going to just stay at home and be sober somehow. That was my day to go to AA.
My First AA Meeting
So I went to AA, and I remember walking into the meeting scared, feeling like a total failure. I'd really blown my life up. I came into AA not knowing what to expect, and my first impression walking in was: why are all these people so happy? It felt like walking into a family, except I didn't belong. All these people were happy and shaking hands and hugging, and I thought, what the hell is this? This is not what I expected. I expected something more like the prison environment I'd worked in. Instead it was like, oh, this is great — I feel at home here.
I sat down, and they asked if anybody was new. I stood up and shared for like five minutes before they'd hardly done anything in the meeting. Now I smile when anybody does that — I'm like, hey, there I am, that guy's just like me. I don't remember what anybody said at the meeting, but I know the chairperson, Ruth, suggested I ought to get some phone numbers. And I said no, thanks. Because in my mind, what were these creepy people going to do with my phone number? I don't know any of you. I don't trust you. You're going to sell my phone number or want something from me? No, I'm not giving my phone number. And Ruth said, "I did it that way a lot of times and it didn't work so well for me." So I said, all right — I'll put my name in the book, I'll put my phone number with it, I'll put my name in the membership book that says I'm a member of this group.
I don't know exactly what happened, but I walked out to the car after the Lord's Prayer, having put my name in the membership book, and I finally felt better. And I cried. I felt like my dad, who'd passed away four months earlier — I could finally, clearly feel my dad. And it was like I could feel all those prayers people had said for me too. As long as I kept them all away — "I'm not interested, I don't want it" — I couldn't feel any of it. But now, all the nights my wife had prayed for me, and my mom — I could feel all of it. I just cried in the car, saying thank you, thank you. I'll come back. I'll definitely come back.
Two Meetings a Week and the Illusion of Being Fixed
So I came back two days later. And in my mind I said, well, I drink like two days a week, so I'll go to two meetings a week. That'll work. Of course, by "drink two days a week" I meant I'd drink from noon until four to eight in the morning, have a God-awful hangover the next day, have one day sober, then do it all over again — and consider myself functioning. I was getting my work done, spending time with my wife, going to the gym. The key thing I suggest now when sponsoring, when people ask, "Well, how many meetings should I go to?" — I tell them, you'll know if you're not going to enough. And for me, going to two meetings was enough for the first two months, because two meetings versus zero is a big difference. I actually bought the book two months after coming into AA — I couldn't believe it took that long. I looked at my Amazon history: two months after my first meeting, I bought the book. And then I actually started reading it at some point after that too.
But after about 90 days, I was in the middle of the insanity. See, when I came in, I realized: okay, I'm powerless over alcohol. If I have even a sip of it, I don't know if I'm going to have my definition of a good night, where I just scream at the TV, or a bad night where I almost land in prison. That's powerless — you don't know what kind of night you're going to have. You can't decide to quit. That's powerless. But I didn't get the other half of the first step — that our lives have become unmanageable, especially our sober lives. Without a drink in me, there were some serious mental and emotional issues going on — so bad that I thought having a drink was the best thing I could do with my day, sober. And that's what was shocking me after about 90 days. I was going to AA, telling everybody how sober I was. I was giving my wife the chapter To the Wives — "this isn't for me, this is for you to read, and you might want to consider going to Al-Anon in case I relapse." That's the state I was in after 90 days.
The Obsession Comes Back
My wife would be at work all day while I worked at home with my own business. For the first couple of months I had some kind of protection — the obsession was removed. I still wished and hoped and felt bad for myself that I couldn't drink, but I wasn't obsessed with having a drink — until July 4th, when I'd been sober just over two months. A week before, at my in-laws', my wife's parents had this dog — still do — a little dachshund, and he was just barking at me and barking at me. And I finally snapped. That dog called me out, and I yelled, "Shut the fuck up" — even louder than that — at the dog. And all of a sudden it was like the beat dropped, and Laura's whole family turned to look at me. Instead of feeling, deep down, "oh shit, they just saw me," I thought, y'all are assholes — y'all are all assholes right now. Mind you, they'd seen me come over crying, drinking, a mess — but now they'd seen me sober, screaming at their dog. There was no "oh, I was drunk" to hide behind. So instead of owning what I did, I set up the story that "your family's assholes and I don't want to be around them."
On July 4th, Laura said, "All right, I'm going to go spend July 4th with my family" — because I'd been saying her family hadn't been very nice to me lately. When really, her family had been telling her, don't leave so quick. I found out later the reason Laura didn't leave that last night I drank is because she called her mom, and her mom said, "You don't just leave your husband when he's having a little bit of a hard time and come stay with your parents." I was so moved when I found out about that, because I can't imagine telling my daughter that. I'd have been like, "Forget him — come on home, I'll help you get rid of him." And this was the family I'd said were assholes.
As soon as Laura left, the obsession to drink just crushed me. It came out of nowhere. I'm sober, I'm doing — oh God, I want to drink. And I could drink all day. She's going to be out of town. She deserves this. I need this. And all of a sudden, all those things people said in meetings made sense. I thought I'd come to AA and gotten fixed — you see a lot of people come in thinking that just by sitting in a few meetings they're fixed. And I realized: not only am I not fixed, it doesn't seem like anything's changed. If anything, I'm worse. I'm worse than when I came in, because I haven't drunk in a few months, I know drinking is poison, I know it's just like committing suicide — and I still want to do it anyway. God, help me, please.
From there, for I don't know how long — a week or two weeks — it was the longest few weeks of my life. The entire day, all day, every day, went like this: God, please, I'll do anything to stay sober. But my wife's really been being a bitch. She's at work. I think now would be a good time for me to drink. I'm going to go to the liquor store and get some vodka — no, I'll go to Walmart. God, please, I want to stay sober, please, I really mean it. But what if I just drink? Maybe I can just drink today. It was miserable — every single thing. I had personal training scheduled: I can't go to personal training, I'm going to go to the liquor store. I'll skip personal training — let's just go to the liquor store right now. Well, why don't I go to personal training and then decide afterwards if I go to the liquor store? No, because if you go to personal training, after you've worked out you're going to feel better, and you're not going to want to go to the liquor store — so just go to the liquor store now. God, please help me. All right, let's just get in the car, because then we can go to personal training or the liquor store — either one — either way, we need to get out of this house. And at some points I literally just stood in my house, telling myself: I'm safe right here, right now. I can't drink.
Getting Honest at a Meeting
I'm just going to stand here because I know I'm not going to hurt myself or do anything stupid. Every single little action I'd take, I'm asking, is this going to get me closer to a drink or farther away? And meanwhile, I'm not going to have a drink. Well, now you're right — I'm going to have another drink, right? And at some point I'm thinking, what's wrong with having one extra meeting? I got my two meetings a week and I'm battling. Finally, at one of the meetings, I raised my hand and I got honest. They asked, is anybody having trouble staying away from a drink today? That used to seem like a joke when I first came to meetings. I thought, ah, we're all cured. We came to AA, of course we're all good. And then it was my turn. They're like, Jerry? I said, I'm Jerry, I'm alcoholic, and I've wanted to drink all day really bad. I barely got to this meeting today, and I'm going to drink tomorrow. You all said don't drink today, you can drink tomorrow. I'm going to drink tomorrow. I just wanted to let you all know. This was Thursday, and I'm planning in my mind that I'm going to get drunk tomorrow, but I've got to tell them since I'm a member of this group. I'm going to tell them, and then I can drink the next day.
And again, I don't know if anybody said anything in particular, but I got this little feeling of hope that it didn't have to be a miserable, drink-yourself-to-death kind of life — that maybe something else was possible. I started to believe something could restore me to sanity. I had no idea what it was, but I started to believe. What if these people are sober? They communicated to me that they'd been where I'd been. I knew that they understood. They understood what I was going through. And I could see they weren't obsessed with a drink. I thought, maybe if that's possible for them, it can be possible for me. And I just kept getting through one day at a time.
The Parking Lot: Massage Envy or Publix Liquors
Finally, the last day I had the obsession to drink, I'm thinking, I need to relax. I'm so stressed. My mind is just going constantly, I'm so miserable, I have to relax. This is a real big problem. I've got to find a way to relax. And my mind's like, drink, drink. You know that'll work. Drink, drink. And I'm like, yeah, that might work, but I think I'm going to kill myself if I drink. And I said, God, please help. And I remembered this lady at a meeting. She said, oh, I just go get a massage, and it's so nice. I just relax, and I leave feeling so refreshed. At the time when I was listening to her, my mind said something like, this dumb bitch probably gets played with or something. That's because I'd watched Sex and the City, and Samantha said that massage therapists were going down on clients. So in my mind, that's what happens in a massage. And therefore, in my mind, I'm like, I can't go get a massage — they're going to give me a hand job? I can't do that.
And then I just kept praying to stay sober. And I finally negotiated to go to the parking lot where there was a Massage Envy and a Publix Liquors. Because I figured either way, I'm going to get some relief. And they are literally right next to each other. I'm in my car, and I'm looking at both of them, like, all right, I know. And I finally was really honest with myself. I looked at the Publix Liquors, and I thought, I am terrified to go in there right now. I know if I go in there, I've got misery that I can't even comprehend. I know my wife's leaving. I know I'm ending my life. If I go in there, that's what happens. And I looked at the Massage Envy, and I felt the same way about it. I'm like, well, that's dumb. I know why I'm afraid to go into Publix Liquors. But why am I terrified to go in the Massage Envy? How bad is it going to be in there? It's going to cost $70 or something. I'm sure I can set boundaries. I'm going to go do the next right thing, like people said. I was terrified to go in this Massage Envy, but I was not going to sit in that parking lot and suffer. I'm not going to go in that liquor store. I'm going to take this lady's suggestion that she said works for her, and maybe it'll work for me.
Three Clear Thoughts
So I go in there — again, scared shitless, don't know what I'm walking into. And at some point during the massage, my mind stopped, and I really completely relaxed. And I got three really clear thoughts that came into my head. The first one was: you're going to ask Tony to be your sponsor — because I had no sponsor at this point. And this was not the sponsor you would have picked out for me. This man was a construction worker who fell off a three-story construction building, caved part of his head in, and was considered mentally handicapped. But that's what the very clear voice — that was not my own thoughts — that came into my head said: you're going to ask Tony to be your sponsor. You're going to read that book. And you're going to go to five meetings a week. And I'm like, holy shit. Was that you, God? Wow. Maybe all this stuff people are saying in these meetings is true. And I just felt this reassurance that there is some power greater than me that's looking out for me, that is here to guide me if I will listen to it.
And I followed those exact instructions immediately. I'm like, okay, which five days a week can I go to meetings? Let me ask Tony to be my sponsor. Let me finish this book that I've started, the Alcoholics Anonymous book. And the best part about Tony was that Tony kept things ultra simple for me, which for a complicated motherfucker like me, that's what I needed. He said, God loves you. That was pretty much all he said. And I felt safe starting my fifth step with him because the way my mind rationalized it was: look, he's mentally disabled. You can tell him whatever you want to. And if he tells anybody, nobody's going to believe him anyway. And that's exactly what I needed, because I was so paranoid about telling anybody any of these things.
The Fifth Step: Tony and Ty
And one of those murderous rage nights came up. I had written an inventory of my life. I'd written pretty much what I've told you here. At one point in the first 90 days or so, I just felt like I really needed to write one day. I don't remember sitting down thinking I'm going to do the four steps. I just remember: I need to write an honest story of my life, where nothing was omitted, where all the most relevant and emotionally powerful things were included — like suicide attempts, like insanity at work, and all my drinking stuff. And I wrote all that out. Then I was sitting in a meeting one day, and one of these nights that I've already described — one I swore I'd never tell anybody about because it was proof of how awful I am — came up. And I realized: you've got two options. You're going to tell your sponsor this right now, or you're going to go get drunk. I'm like, shit, okay, well, I'll do my fifth step. And I felt so vulnerable. And the only reason I felt safe is because he is mentally handicapped. I'm like, it's got to be safe to tell him. And I told him, and he said, God loves you. I'll pray for you. He was not moved at all by what I said. And that's exactly the response I needed.
And the same thing happened a few days, maybe a week or a few weeks later. I thought, good, I did the fifth step. I'm rolling right through these steps. Oh, no. Another day, I'm sitting there and my grand sponsor, Ty, who's passed on, shared some really inappropriate joke. I was the only one who laughed at it, and I laughed at it really loud. And then I got a flood of buried and repressed memories from childhood — and from adulthood also — all kinds of things that I hadn't shared or uncovered so far. And again, I could see my options. I'm going to go get drunk right after this meeting. I'm not even going to go home. I'm going to go straight to the liquor store after these meetings. These thoughts are so horrible, I need to immediately do something about these thoughts. Or I'm going to talk to Ty right now and do my in-depth fifth step.
And Ty was dying of cancer at the time. I walked up to him and I said, Ty, I'd like to talk to you. And he said, no, I'm fine — he thought I was trying to cheer him up. And I'm like, Ty, I want to do a fifth step right now. And he said, okay, let's go. And he sat down with me in the back, and I laid everything out with him like I had never laid it out with anybody before. I described all the worst memories that came up in my mind, in the opposite of minimizing. I made them look the worst possible way you can imagine. And I laid them all out on Ty. And Ty's like, what? Let me tell you about my life. And my God, he told me about his life. And his life bothered me for days. The things he'd been through, especially as a child — I'm like, that shouldn't even be possible. That is so horrible. And his perspective left me feeling like, what? I'm okay. There's nothing wrong with me. In fact, I've had a fairly ordinary human experience.
Life Keeps Getting Better in Sobriety
After that, I've repeated that process a bunch of times — with counselors, hypnotherapists, another sponsor, people that aren't even my sponsor. And my life has just gotten so much better. And it keeps getting even better. I am continuing to improve every single year. I thought about how I recorded this last year, and I'm like, I hope this one's better than last year. It's like I'm competing with my speaker meeting from last year. I want to have a better message to share. I want to share every year. And I've been through so many things in sobriety now. I went through having two kids born. I went through my business blowing up and making me a big deal online. And I went through it failing and being in the worst financial situation of my life. I went through my mom falling off her horse and almost dying. I went through my mom not wanting to live anymore, and going from someone who supported me to someone who cursed me constantly. And I worked through that with Ty and with my sponsor. And they told me about what they'd done and worked through with their mothers.
Calling My Mom by Her Real Name
And Ty's like, call your mother by her real name. And if she's not in a good place, that'll really piss her off, and that'll push her over the edge. So I called my mom up and said, "Hi, Kathy." "What the fuck are you doing? How dare you call me Kathy?" And she was in a place she didn't want to live in. She was hurting, and that's all she had to give. And I was able to lovingly separate from my mom for a month. And now we have a better relationship than ever.
A Life Better Than I Ever Fantasized
I've seen things. My life today is better than I ever would have fantasized about before. I play video games for my job — it's how I earn my income. I have two wonderful kids. I have the same wonderful wife, and we have a better relationship than ever. I have great relationships with almost everyone. I love everybody in my life, and the ones I don't actually get me a little excited and curious. Like, hmm, you're different. You're different than the rest. And I actually like that.
I hope by sharing this today that no matter where you're at, you get a sense that a life better than you can even imagine at this moment is possible. That you might not even be able to fantasize or picture how good it could get. In fact, if I could look at one major defect throughout my life, it's a failure to set my sights high enough — a failure to aim as high as is possible. I used to just aim like, well, I hope I can just get by today and not cause any trouble.
Aiming to Be the Ambassador for Earth
I've progressively raised my sights. Today, I want to be the ambassador for Earth and take a faster-than-light spaceship to go to another planet. That's where I'm aiming at today. Because if I don't get there soon, so what? That's what's possible in my mind today. Because from what I've already seen, anything's possible. If you want to see more of my story, I share it in my Life playlist.
So thank you all for being here today. Love you all. And thank God for another day sober.