Twelve years sober, and the hardest year yet
I'm Jerry Banfield and I'm an alcoholic. I've just had 12 years sober yesterday and you're going to love this AA speaker meeting because we're going to focus on more advanced topics in sobriety. In fact, I'm not going to talk about my first 11 years being sober at all because there's tons of other videos, tons of other speakers. I'm going to focus on navigating transitions, big transitions like divorce, like moving, like finding a way to work and not having any money coming in. I'm going to handle these things sober and staying consistent with steps 10, 11, and 12 and maintaining relationships over time with family and friends, setting boundaries and continuing to really love and enjoy the program, continuing to go to five meetings a week, continuing to expand and explore new possibilities.
I've already talked a lot about my early sobriety in my book. Speaker Meeting 2017, and that goes into 12 hours of detail in the audio book version. So this video is all about for people who've been sober a long time or wanted to get an idea of handling things sober, this is for you, especially if you feel the program's gotten stale, that meetings are boring, that you don't feel like you did before, this is for you. So what, first of all, let's talk about some of the big things we'll cover.
Three big changes at once
In the last year, I was married my first 11 years sober, and lots of times I wondered, have I been able to stay sober just because my life's been easy? I was also a content creator for the first 11 years of being sober as well. In June 2025, a little less than a year ago, I got burnt out on being a YouTuber. That cut all the income I was bringing in. Right after that, then my wife at the time, who I'd been with my entire sobriety, we were arguing more, and we came to the conclusion that we should get a divorce. And that meant I needed to move out of the house.
So that's three huge things all at once, with big career change, no money coming in, divorce, finances or romances, and then also moving on top of that. And what I'm really proud to say today is that I made it through all that sober, and I've done some fantastic character building that I just wouldn't have done or would have taken. And I've taken a lot longer otherwise. It didn't take me down. It didn't stop me going to meetings. In fact, I grabbed onto my program and my sponsor and all the other people in AA harder than ever. I started consistently coming to meetings early for the first time since early sobriety, and I started lingering and staying sometimes three, four, five hours after meetings, hanging out, talking with people, finally going over to people's houses.
AA was there when I really needed it. And it helped me make it through the hardest transition I've seen sober. And I'll highlight some of the key practices that I've stuck with.
The practices I never stopped
And the first thing is that no matter what's happened in my life in the last 12 years, I've continued to go to an average of five AA meetings a week. Because from what I see, I can be certain, or as certain as I can be in this human life, that I'm going to stay sober as long as I don't stop coming to meetings. The number one thing I've seen people do in the last 12 years that they go out, they always stop coming to meetings, or that's one of the biggest things. Second thing, I'm always rigorously honest with my sponsor and at least one other person.
I share a lot more of how I keep a steady life together in my Life playlist.
In case my sponsor's not available, I always maintain a sponsor. I've had to change sponsors several times. And my sponsor and sponsee relationship, that is something that we don't talk basic sobriety. It's all handling life. It's what are you doing today? It's what meeting are you going to? It's how are you processing this? We work on a foundation of the basics, but we consistently are dealing with life on life's terms and handling things successfully. And I'm very interested in my sponsor's life, his things like dating, his relationships with his children. And I'm glad I picked out a sponsor. My sponsor's been sober my entire life since before I was born.
And everything that was new to me, like getting divorced, he'd already done that before. Dating and sobriety, he's already done that before. And parenting his children, moving, big life transitions with work and income, he's done all that before. And having a sponsor who's really been through life is extremely helpful. And I leaned heavily on my sponsor. So let's circle back to some of the big things. What was I doing right before all this happened? Well, I was going to five meetings a week as usual. I was calling my sponsor, either seeing my sponsor in a meeting or calling my sponsor almost every day. And I had strong relationships already in Alcoholics Anonymous.
So I already had a solid foundation in my program before any of the big changes came along. I'm very grateful that I maintained that because if I wasn't consistently going to meetings, if I didn't have a sponsor, I would have been in a position where instead of going and working my program really thoroughly during this time, I might have went out where I've seen this happen with lots of people. Where they start, they, life's going along and it's not too bad and they can get away with not going to meetings. But this would have been the place last year where if I, I could have probably gotten away with not going to meetings for years before that, not having a sponsor for years before that, but then divorce, moving, income down to zero, all of that at once, I would have been in a position to drink.
But instead, I spent nights alone at home and my house that I moved out into and now in my new house. And I faced my fear. I started feeling sober.
Dating sober for the first time
I started dating sober for the first time, which was quite a challenge because when I used to date when I drank, which I hadn't dated sober, I met my wife when I was drinking and I was in a habit of playing the game of just, making sure to hide anything a girl shouldn't see about me as long as possible. And that worked consistently to, as we say in AA, to take hostages, but to, get women to really like me and hook them emotionally. And then they find out I'm an alcoholic that's, totally self centered and plays video games all day. And this relationship is really about what I can get out of you.
And I'll see if I can do something to at least string you along. Then I start dating sober, which was in October, 2025. And that was surprising because I have this lifestyle from living in Alcoholics Anonymous where I'm used to being very open and very open. I'm used to being honest with people. I'm used to often leading with my flaws and dropping my drunk a log and meetings and sharing at a level that does not work to build attraction with most women. And it's been a painful journey, but a fun adventure. I remember thinking I'm never going to date again. And I remember thinking so many times that it'd be so nice to see what dating is like sober because I've never done it before.
And now I am grateful. I've gotten to see it. I see that. And I'm in the middle of that right now. I'm not dating anyone. I don't have any options, so to speak. I have a date scheduled from my matchmaking service next week, but I'm totally open and available right now. And dating and sobriety has required changing and a lot of character building because let me give you a concrete example. So I went out on this first date with this girl that was the second one from my matchmaking service. And if you want to see about matchmaking dating. I've got some other videos on that on this channel.
And I told this girl on the first date that I'd essentially tricked my wife into falling in love with me by hiding that I was an alcoholic and anything else she shouldn't know until she was sufficiently emotionally hooked and invested in me. And while the date had been going pretty good before that, the girl seemed to, that triggered her ick filter or, oh, this guy's not safe or whatever. And it's taken me from October. 20 and 25 to April, 2026 to realize I can't come at a girl. I'm just meeting for the first time from online or from a matchmaking service or at some sober dance party.
I can't come at her like I'm at an AA meeting that even girls I've been very frustrated because I thought when I moved out of the house and I was ready to date again, I had all these girls I knew and they were very friendly with me being married, but none of them wanted to date me. And I was surprised. I was surprised to learn that there's a lot of the things I had done back when I was dating in my drinking days were very effective because they gave women a chance to kind of slowly open up to me. And I made sure to avoid triggering anything that might cause a woman to run away.
And I've struggled in the last, few months feeling like, well, that's dishonest. It's dishonest to not just lead with my flaws and immediately share, that I'm an alcoholic and to just start doing my fist up. I just want to go to the bathroom. And I have learned, like what, you need to take it slow. I was talking with my ex actually and asking her, like, what am I doing on these dates that girls are just like, nobody wants a second date. And I told her that, the things I was saying. And then I told her that, well, I'm not ready to get physical on a first date.
That's kind of much. And my ex tells me, she's like, you're treating these dates like you are in had an AA meeting and working with your sponsor. She's like, the things you're saying are the physical equivalent of trying to close the deal on the first date. You are going for it with the things you're saying, and you're used to doing that in Alcoholics Anonymous. You're used to being able to do that on YouTube, but you can't do that dating. You need to take it slow. You need to warm up to getting into deeper, heavier topics unless a girl shows that that's where she's at. I'm so grateful.
That was a 10th step in practice of looking at, okay, what is going wrong in my dating? Because this last year has been some of the toughest emotional bottoms I've hit in sobriety. I have a definition for emotional sobriety that is different than a lot of what I hear. To me, emotional sobriety is not, do I feel emotions?
What emotional sobriety actually means
Emotional sobriety to me is not being flat all the time or having minimal ups and downs. It's not being flat all the time. To me, emotional sobriety is that I can handle my feelings and I don't hurt myself or other people. That is my definition of emotional sobriety, that I can have very intense ups, very intense downs, and nobody gets hurt. That's to me is what I'm looking for. I'm not looking to go through my sobriety being a robot that just doesn't feel anything. Now, perhaps as a man, it is better to keep a calm exterior and not project my feelings all the time. I'm not constantly to everyone about everything, but it is a worthwhile part of life to feel intense grief, to feel intense joy, sadness, anger, rage, love, euphoria.
I'm grateful that in the last few months sober, I've had experiences of much higher ups and downs than I've gotten in the last of my sobriety. I've felt like emotionally, I've felt like a teenager where I go to a sober dance party, not an AA. But just a sober event I found in town. I meet a girl that's in her late 20s, looking to have kids, very pretty, likes me, is sending me signals on a dance floor, and then I talk too much. And then it all goes south from there. And then I reach out immediately the next day. She's not interested anymore. And then I go way, way up euphoria.
And then I go way, way down into misery. And I've had a few days in the last year where I was laying in bed, thinking, I just don't know how I'm going to go on. I don't know how I'm going to find somebody to date and find a new place to live and figure out how to make money. Like it's too much. I can't, I can't handle all this. This is too hard. But then there've been many more days where I've thought this is so much fun. This is such an adventure. I love the danger, the danger that, if this doesn't work out, I might be living in my car for the first time in my life. And if you're riding those same wild ups and downs right now and want a real conversation about your own emotional sobriety, I'd be glad to talk it through with you on a private one-on-one call with me — just my experience and an honest look at where you're at.
Or if this doesn't work out dating, I might never have another happy relationship again. Or, I could find some crappy place to live. Now I have nailed the dating or not the dating. The dating is very open, but I've nailed the place to live. I've ended up finding a beautiful house to live in. And one, one thing my sponsor says is that he loves how I take action and put in the work. And then what I do also is ask people's advice. And that's why I bring the house into this right now. And we'll, we'll put several things together here.
The lowest point, and a tenth step with my kids
So the lowest, I've had in the last year was the Sunday before Thanksgiving. I had the, so let's back up two days, two days before this, I had met another girl this time. This girl was mid thirties. She really liked me. We're like holding hands with this dance party. We're talking for a couple hours. I was very direct and telling her how beautiful she was and talking to her. And we spent a couple hours talking until just short of midnight. And well, I said too much, again. And I text her the next day. She doesn't respond. And I proceed to spiral. So Friday, I meet a girl right after going to an AA meeting.
I meet her and giving somebody a ride home. And I meet a girl. I go sky high euphoria for like that night. And then start, it screws up my sleep. I start trending down, down the next day. I wake up and I'm kind of like on the way down, but hoping it'll stabilize. I look at a house that's right across the street from my mom and my ex. And I'm like, I'm going to go to the bathroom. And I'm like, I'm going to go to the and it doesn't feel right. And I'm really, annoyed because I was wanting to figure the house out. And this was such a close location to my mom and my ex, but my mom and my ex don't really like the house that much.
And a lot of people in AA talk about things like, well, I'm just doing God's will. It's like, how do you know what God's will is? You just get an idea in your head and that's God's will. And you're sure that's not some other will. And you're sure that's not self will. To me, what works for me, is I get ideas, I get inspiration, and then I check with other people. So I check this place I'm going to live in. Yes, I've been able to have a kind divorce because of practicing this program where my ex and I get along very well. We're still great friends.
We see each other most days. We're totally cooperative with the kids. We still share, intimate details of our lives with each other, like our dating. Although I've recently scaled back to be, more in my masculine and not oversharing because oversharing and all that dumping I did emotionally, just basically using my wife like a sponsor instead of, being a wife, that made things, that killed a lot of the romance in our marriage. So on this day, on this Saturday, I asked for feedback from, two of the people I care most about in my life, my ex wife. Now keep in mind, I had only moved out a month before and I'd moved to a house nearby that my ex, helped me find.
And then I only had two months I could live there. So because they're knocking it down. So I go in this other house and I'm all excited, but nobody else seems to like it. I go home and I spiral. And this one day I didn't go to an AA meeting. I, did I call my sponsor? I think I talked to my sponsor, but I didn't go to an AA meeting because I was too tired, even though I had been to like five meetings in a row the days before that. So I skipped an AA meeting. I didn't go to yoga either, which helps my nervous system calm down and get out there with other people.
And I wasn't doing any work that day either. I was idle. I laid in bed too much and I didn't have any video games or any other coping mechanisms. And I spiraled really hard. I had a hard time sleeping again. Then I got up the next day and I went first thing over to my ex's house. And I told the kids that, I, I told the kids that this, the divorce was my mom's fault. And she was cutting me out of their life and that they might not grow up with a father for one reason or another. Like I might move away to be near my family in Michigan or, move away with some woman or, anything can happen because, this, they didn't get to have a guaranteed father anymore in their life because of this.
And obviously they got very upset. Like this, this was the absolute lowest point I've seen in my sobriety, in my behavior. And what's really cool, like this is, the, ugliest thing that I've been through. And I hope some girl I just went out with on a first date's not watching this right now. But then again, I guess if she gets past that part, we're probably going down the aisle, right? So she, I, I tell the kids this first thing in the morning, my ex is there and she, she is patient enough to let me share. And then she's also trusting enough because of all the years I've put in sobriety.
She's seen that I am overall a stable person who's reliable. And who's safe. So she gives me space and time to, then after I tell the kids this, I cry. And then I immediately start my 10th step right there. I don't need to call my sponsor. I immediately, as soon as I said all this stuff, and then I cried and the kids, expressed their concerns. Then I said, I'm sorry. What I just said wasn't accurate. Like there, there's some truth to it, but overall your mother and I decided on this divorce. Both of us, both of us together decided on this divorce. Not just me or her.
And what I said before was not the whole truth. The whole truth is I wanted this divorce too. I wanted to go date other women. I want to have more children when your mom doesn't. And I, I decided to do this too. And I'm not going anywhere as your father. I know I got a bit dramatic and I, I get scared sometimes that something's going to take me away from you guys. Like, especially if I met one of these girls at this, these dance parties and they live somewhere else. And they really liked, me and want to move away with me, I, or moving back to Michigan, like with my family.
So I, I immediately did a 10 step right there with my kids and with my ex before I even left the house. And to me, like that's, that's working the steps all the way. Like, as soon as you realize you've, you've gone wrong or started to go wrong, it's like fix that immediately. And I did. And then I went home and I laid in my bed and I cried and I felt awful. And I was, I was thinking, if anyone really cares about me, I wish they would reach out.
My sister's call, and carrying the message
And right then my sister called and she said, Hey, I just came back from a relapse myself. I just got out of the hospital and I'd like you to come visit. And that was so powerful. Like I felt that connection, that spiritual experience, like, wow, that was just what I asked for. So I said, yes, even though no money's coming in, I am giving my ex the house in exchange for some cash, but that's running out quickly. I spend a thousand dollars to book a plane ticket and rent a car to go visit my sister immediately. As soon as she calls, I immediately booked that.
And then I tell my aunt, I'm sorry for not checking with her first. And I go spend a week in Thanksgiving in Michigan. So my, I live in St. Petersburg, Florida. So I went to spend a week immediately after that in Michigan, I left the next day. And that part of that was an amends. To my ex, like, look, I just took up too much space in your life. And this is our first like big holiday apart. I'm going to just clear out of town so that you can focus on you and the kids and your family. And my mom, it gets to be a part of that.
And I'll just clear out so that, my amends is I took up too much space. I'm going to give you some space. And my ex really appreciated that really appreciated me going somewhere where I could be loved and cared for and surrounded by my family. And where I was really wanted, and desired, and where I would not be up in her business. Then when I, I was the night before. So that night I shared at my Alcoholics Anonymous meeting at my home group, I said, look, I'm scared to go to Michigan. Like my sister just relapsed after years of sobriety. This is the older sister.
She just relapsed. And I, I'm not, I'm not at my most stable right now. Like, I'm scared to go up there. Like this could go badly. Like, especially if she, she relapsed again, or, the rest of the family had to deal with her before relapse. Like this is, this is shaky. I'm shaky. She's shaky. And people shared with me after the meeting and I cried listening to them talk. They said, Jerry, remember that part of the big book? Like this is where you're doing the 12th step right now. And not hair standing up. So I'm saying this on me. Like you are going up there to carry the message to your sister.
At this time, I had 11 and a half years sober. They said, you've got 11 and a half years sober. Go up there, carry the message. Be there when she needs you. After she just got out of the hospital and has had a relapse, like where she needs someone who's got, 11 years sobriety. That's there with her every day for a week after she's got out of the hospital. And that's there to help her through Thanksgiving with all her emotions. She has two teenage kids. So I, I completely, I felt like, that's what seemed like a great idea to me. And her then it was validated by my home group.
And I shared real messy and vulnerable at my home group. And now I understand I've wondered, I'm like, why don't any of these girls at AA meetings seem to be interested in me? And now I'm like, oh, because, because they know me too well to have any like fantasy. It's kind of killed their attraction. But I shared at a meeting the other day that when I go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, I'm not there to pick girls up. I can go to sober dance parties, matchmaking, online dating. There's, yoga. There's lots of places I can pick girls up. But AA meetings, I'm here to save my life.
If that happens, that's one thing. But my primary purpose is to carry the message to an alcoholic who still suffers. And that often means I need to share real and raw and vulnerable.
Why I share raw and specific
And from the heart, I've noticed a lot of people in AA feel this need to keep this sober face on and to never share what's really going on and to always be generic. Oh, I'm having a hard time. You see the value of me sharing very specifically and saying, look, this is exactly what I'm dealing with and what it looks like. Then people give me very specific help. And that helps me feel better. You see, if I just go to an AA meeting and say, oh, I'm having a hard time today. Nobody knows exactly how to help me with that. And the help they give is generic. If you have been keeping that same sober face on and not telling anyone what is really going on, you're welcome to schedule a private call with me and say the specific thing out loud, just one alcoholic talking honestly with another.
Like, keep stay strong. You'll be all right. I hate that. I don't need a pat on the back and to be told, well, stay strong or you'll get through this. I don't need that. I need to hear people's experiences with the same kind of stuff. I need to hear very relevant and where I see people struggle is often trying to keep this sober face on this emotional sobriety face. Like to me, it's you're going to have life is going to happen. And what I do in AA meetings, I share very specifically all the time. And especially when I need help, I share at meetings and I say, this is what I'm struggling with.
This is what I need help with. And then people come up after the meeting and help me exactly with what I need help with. And then I feel better. The week long trip I took to visit, my sister went fantastic. The whole family was supportive. Thanksgiving went really well, which considering I just came up there after announcing I'm getting divorced last minute when all my family really likes my ex. And then my sister just got out of the hospital, like both of us rolling into Thanksgiving together. It was amazing how well it went. It just went perfect. And I felt restored to sanity. And we went to several AA meetings up there, which was awesome.
And then I came back. Totally like feeling like I'm back in myself. Then right after that, I found a fantastic place to live. I thought about everybody else. I thought, where can I live that'll give me enough space to be away from, not in the same neighborhood as my ex. And at the same time, closer to kids school. So I can really participate in the kids lives.
A new home, and co-parenting
I found a beautiful place to live here near Crescent Lake in St. Petersburg, Florida. And I have my kids three nights a week, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, every week. And if my ex, wants to do something like on the weekend, and that was considerate out of like, what's good for her. My ex works full time, whereas I'm a YouTuber, so I can work anytime. My ex has a full time job. And therefore, she really needs her time during the week, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. And that way she can get all her work done and all that. And then she can focus on having fun with the kids when she doesn't have to work.
Like mostly Friday, Saturday, Sunday, she plans all the stuff for, to do for them. Meanwhile, I'm the business parent. I handle, I like just. And helping, being there for the kids during the week. I can work less during the week. And then Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, I crank up my work. And even with having sole custody of my kids three days a week, I still make sure to go to AA meetings while they're in school. Like today, I'm going to an AA meeting later and I play AA with like tennis with people who are in AA. I am, I love my life today and I'm so connected in AA.
The eleventh step is connection, and getting back to work
To me, the key to the 11th step is being connected to other people because I can set intentions, but I need other people to help me with those. Like I got back on YouTube because I kept praying like, please, God, I'd really like to make some money and I'd like to make it doing something I love doing that's helpful for other people. And I tried writing books and I tried doing a business locally, but nobody seemed interested in that. And to me, meditation is about listening. And I got back on YouTube after three people in a row told me, get back on YouTube. I played tennis with a guy and I asked him about his work situation.
And then he asked me about mine. After he tells me everything, he asked me, well, what's your work situation? And I said, I don't know. And I told him and he's like, why don't you just get back on YouTube? And then the next day I saw a girl walking her dog that I know from AA. She had a very, very similar work situation to the guy the night before. She asked me about my work situation after she talks about hers. She says, after listening to me for a minute or two, she says, why don't you just get back on YouTube? And then right after that, I go out with a girl from my matchmaking service and she's a full time content creator on Instagram.
And I'm like, man, I, and right before that, so Friday night, I had prayed hard for help. I'm like, please, I'll do whatever it takes. Let me be listening. And then the meditation is listen to the things people say. And again, ask for the exact help I need from everyone. Don't give generic crap because what so many people do, like I've, I've seen this girl share and she's like, yeah, I'm having such a hard time. This is a big deal, but she doesn't say what it is. And even after the meeting, talking personally, like she just, people get stuck and like their problems are so, personal and nobody understands.
Like when you share your problems specifically with people, you will see how easily, how easily other people understand and can help you. And now I'm back on YouTube. I've got some income coming in. I've got, thousands of views a day. I'm getting on YouTube among my five different channels. I feel really happy and satisfied with my work. And I started playing video games again, which I had quit playing video games several times in sobriety because I thought it was just addictive behavior that it was, poisoning my mind. But I love playing video games. I love the emotional highs and lows I get playing video games.
I also went to adult children of alcoholics or ACA or ACOA or whatever abbreviation they're using now, ACAD. I tried some ACA meetings and one of the, I read most of the ACA book, but I don't feel the need to work the ACA steps. The ACA fifth step and fourth step will make you beg for the AA steps, I'll tell you that. But I did really get out of the ACA. It's a bit more about healing and loving and also taking inventory of the parents is really helpful to see where I got a lot of these traits. My sponsor and another guy that had been instrumental in my sobriety, they both worked the ACA programs at various points and encouraged me to try it.
I went to five or six ACA meetings and I am so focused on AA. I don't feel the same thing when I go to ACA, but I learned from the ACA program. And I learned that, part of my challenge is I'm often addicted to excitement, that I want to feel some fear. And I want to feel some euphoria. And if I don't have anything in my life set up to feel those things, then I'm going to manufacture things to feel those things. So what I've found, I was often very lonely at night, having four nights a week. At first, when I moved out of the house, I had every night a week in my house, which was lonely.
And then I was desperate to date a girl, any girl to just fill my house up. And then I have a girl over and she spends the night and I'm like, okay, we need to, we can't just accept anybody in here like this. And I'd rather, the top tier is to have an amazing woman, and then to be by myself. And then everybody else is not as good as being by myself. So I've now have four nights a week by myself.
Video games, dating, and feeling things safely
And I really enjoy playing video games on my Jerry Banfield gaming channel. And I really enjoy being honest that like, hey, I love the excitement and the fear. I love stimulating my feelings in these video games in a safe environment. It's an environment where I can play around, where I can have fun. I remember at ACA, they kept talking about, well, what does your inner child want to do? And I remember thinking my inner child wants to buy a PlayStation 5. Like that's, that's what my inner child wants to do. But my adults said, well, no, I, so I bought a PlayStation 5 in 2021 when I was a professional gamer.
And then I sold it in 2023 to try and focus on music and not be addicted. Then I bought another one in 2024, gave that one away. Then my friend gave it back. It was back in 2025, then I sold that one. So now I just bought my fourth PlayStation 5 and that's at the UPS store right now. I'm going to go pick that up later, right before my AA meeting. And I've also got an Xbox Series X that I got used. That's my second Xbox Series X and I have a $2 000 gaming PC. So I really love, I don't feel all lonely when I'm at home playing video games at night.
It's really nice. And that makes it easier for me to not be desperate in dating, which makes it easier for me to track the, to be a woman that, I'm attracted to also. And I asked for help on my dating, which is why I started this matchmaking service. I poured my heart out to a friend of my tennis partner one day, and he suggested I get on this matchmaking service called Talkify. I've had three really nice dates with women I met up with on there. No second dates though, because, well, your boy was, was acting like it was an AA meeting and not a first date.
I write more about what I'm figuring out back in the dating world in My Exact First-Date System.
Now on the fourth date next week, we'll be remembering this is a date with a woman that doesn't know you, that's like a flower who needs to take time to open up and love you. And don't tell her fifth step stuff on the first date. And I am just really enjoying this adventure that I haven't went through divorce and income going to zero and moving. I haven't went through that by myself. Everybody around me knows what I've been through. Every, like you can walk into random AA meetings and be like, Hey, what's Jerry Banfield going through? Like, well, he just got divorced last year and he's, he moved into this house and he's back on YouTube.
Like that's, that's to me is what is ideal is that level of transparency. And that's how I do the 10th step, the 11th step and the 12th step successfully is by remaining accountable. People know what I'm going through. People know what I'm doing. And that is what feels good and makes me want to keep going to meetings. I want to go to meetings on a good day to help lift people up. And I want to go to meetings on a bad day because I need help. I need to be lifted up. And I don't have that many bad days now, especially now that I got back on YouTube and playing video games, my emotions are, I have, I get high euphoric playing video games and I get down and frustrated playing video games and I'm stable again.
It was one of the hardest things I've been through in sobriety is not having my work figured out. I just shared at the meeting I went to yesterday that my work, I'm doing something useful for the world that also makes money is a big part of my ego, big part of feeling good, being validated. And it was hard writing books. I have 35 books I've published on Amazon. I published 10 more in the last year while I wasn't doing videos. So I was still doing a lot of content creation, but it was challenging to go through the day without the validation of my work and the validation of a woman.
And now I play video games and I do, several YouTube videos a day. There's all kinds of comments and hundreds of likes every day, thousands of views every day on my videos. That really fills me up. So when people say they have a God sized hole that they're trying to fill with alcohol, I say that you need to do your part for humanity. And then that hole will shrink. When I do my part for humanity, making YouTube videos, that hole shrinks. When I'm at home by myself, not doing any work, not going to an AA meeting, not taking care of my body with yoga, and not parenting my kids, and I'm just at home and I'm, struggling, like then that hole feels huge and it feels overwhelming.
But I'm doing my work and I'm doing my part for my kids and I'm doing my part to find another woman because dating often can be viewed as selfish and transactional. Like, I'd like a girl, to have some fun with, spend a night with, but I also, I want to give. I want to give because I know there's, probably we're at record numbers of single girls right now. There's a lot of girls who would love to have a man that they could be with. Like dating, and I've talked to so many people about dating over the years, especially in sobriety, and dating is something that you're not just doing for yourself.
Dating is for the other person also. It's like going to AA meetings is not just about my sobriety, but it's not just about everybody else's sobriety there too. It's about, to me, that, that real you're having that spiritual awakening through the 11th step when you're seeing the combining of self interest and serving others. When there's no longer is this, I am so selfish or I'm so selfless. It's like, I take care of myself. I am honest about what I want. And at the same time, I am constantly focusing on how can I give to others? How can I serve others? And those things become one.
Like doing this video is good for me, and it may be good for you. Dating is something that is good for me and good, whenever I find the right girl for them. But, even in the ones that hasn't been right with, I've got some interesting stories about them. They've got some interesting experiences with me. Even in the ones that didn't work out, it was an adventure. It made life more interesting. And for that, I'm super grateful. Now for me in dating, my sobriety and dating go very closely together. And the one thing I make sure I'm strict about in my dating is that I want a girl who's focused on health.
I want a girl who's not a big drinker at a minimum. I prefer a girl that's sober, the girl I'm going to go out with a week from now. It says she quit drinking, which is perfect. Most of the girls I go out with either don't drink at all, or they rarely drink or don't have any emotional attachment to drinking. Because one of the most dangerous things I could do is to date a girl who has an emotional hook on drinking, where she cares about drinking, where she couldn't easily just quit drinking without missing it or without resenting me. And I see the importance of dating someone who's also healthy, because I've taken my sobriety into the rest of my health also.
That same approach is exactly how I lost the weight and kept it off — I tell that whole story in How I Lost 80 Pounds and Transformed My Health.
When I am going without a drink every day, I can go without ultra processed foods every day easier than I can going without a drink. And I have all kinds of delicious foods. My body is absolutely fantastically healthy because I apply what I learned in my sobriety into eating. I read the Overeaters Anonymous book a few years ago, and I live today with like, I'm going to eat in a way that makes me feel good, nourishes my body. My primary purpose with eating is to nourish my body. And I avoid sensationalism when it comes to eating. I don't need that ice cream. I don't need those cookies.
I don't need that cake. And because then I have a lean body, then my body looks beautiful and it's easier to attract the kind of woman I want to attract. And I'm really grateful that I haven't put on any weight with getting divorced. I haven't resorted to like coping mechanisms. Now, some people might say video games are coping mechanisms. Video games are fun to me. And I'm really happy to see that I can play video games in moderation. I haven't played games in a few days. I haven't missed playing video games, but at the same time, I got a guy I met in early sobriety.
He's in early sobriety. And I'm going to meet up with him and play some video games with him later. And that's good for him. That's good for me. And it'll be good for the audience when I live stream it.
Living steps 10, 11, and 12 by default
I am grateful today I consistently live in 10, 11, and 12. And these are my defaults now. In fact, my first thought now is usually right. And it's kind of funny or interesting when it's not. Usually my first thought is, you're going to need to talk to your sponsor about this, or when you go into a meeting, or who can help you with this, or how can you help somebody else? The days that I've had the hardest times, I've relentlessly focused on how do I help somebody else? I'm struggling with my money. How do I help somebody else with their money? I'm struggling to feel like I have emotional sobriety.
Well, go help someone else who's having a bigger struggle than you. Like I'm struggling with dating. Well, go try and help somebody else who's having the same struggles as you. To me, that's the magic I learned in AA is whatever I'm struggling with, get out there and help somebody else with the same thing. And from there, you will get the help you need. I have a guy I've sponsored consistently for the last seven years, and his sobriety has been educational. He doesn't go to as many meetings as I do, but he has more to do. His life is more full than mine. He's married. He has several kids.
He has a full time job. He can barely make it to a meeting or two a week, but he still stays sober. He's consistently contacted me. And I look at it, that's working for him and I'm really happy it is. At the same time, that's not appropriate for me. I need to be at five meetings a week because that's five meetings a week I can help someone. That means if I'm having four meetings where all I have to share is experience, strength, and hope, and then one meeting each week where I'm like, all right, listen, I need some help with this. Help me understand this. That willingness to say I actually need help with this is the whole thing, so if there's a hard situation in your own recovery you've been carrying alone, you're welcome to schedule a one-on-one call with me and we'll sit down and look at it together.
And that's because of the work I do, like being on YouTube, I have more time to go do stuff like that. So I'm really grateful to have this to share for my 12 year sobriety journey.
Why I'm grateful for the hardest year
I'm grateful, one of the most powerful things I ever heard somebody say in AA is that their child passed away and they were able to thank God for the child passing away. And I thought that was crazy. I have two kids, a 10 year old daughter, a seven year old son. I thought that was crazy. So I talked to this guy after the meeting and I'm like, how, how could you say thank you for your child passing away? That's like the worst thing I can imagine. He says, well, Jerry, my child's already gone. So my choice is to either, say F you and complain and continue to react based on something that happened years ago, or to say thank you that that's already done.
And thank you that I can help somebody now who's been through that. He's like, Jerry, I can help parents who've lost kids because I've been through it. Just like you can help somebody with alcoholism because you've been through it and got sober. And now I'm so grateful I can help people much more effectively around divorce and around, job loss, content creation, all that stuff. I can help people who've been through divorce in a way I couldn't before. So I'm very grateful for my divorce last year. I'm very grateful. Like this has shown me my strength in sobriety and the strength of my program and the strength of everybody around me.
Cause I didn't do any of this by myself. I've had so many people have listened to me, who've helped me. And I've listened to them. I've had so many conversations about divorce and relationships that it's like people were waiting for me to have that experience in common with them before they talked about it. And I have a lot more empathy now. When I'd been married my whole sobriety and I'd been making lots of money and just, being famous and feeling like I was really important. I had often very little empathy and some people expressed after I'd been through the divorce and the income going to zero, they said, Jerry, I looked at you sometimes and I thought you didn't understand me because of what you said.
And now I see now with what you've been through, you do understand me. So I'm grateful. I'm for everything I've been through in sobriety, especially the stuff in the last year that unfortunately does take a lot of people out. And for me, it strengthened my sobriety. And I hope the message I communicate here is that everything you go through in your sobriety can strengthen it. I've seen people go through all kinds of things from losing kids to health, to divorces, to, everything you can imagine. And everything in your sobriety can strengthen it. If that's the story you'll tell. And if you'll ask for help explicitly and specifically with people, if you'll share exactly what's going on with you in an open meeting and trust that the main reaction you're going to get is people offer you the exact kind of help you need and accept sometimes it's worth the gossip.
If this resonates, you can follow along in my Life playlist.
It's worth the drama occasionally to get the help most of the time. So I really appreciate you watching this.
Own your story
The last thing about anonymity, some people in the past have criticized because I talk about my AA experience and they say 11th Tradition. I don't talk about your sobriety. I didn't mention anybody else's names, my sponsor's name. I didn't mention anybody else. I've maintained everybody else's anonymity. I have a right to share my story wherever I want to with whoever I want to, whenever I want to. To, regardless of the medium it goes out on. That's up to me. And that's not up to anybody else or AA or Traditions anything. This is me. This is free speech. This is carrying the message to the alcoholic who still suffers, which is step 12.
Now, I care a lot about everyone else's anonymity. And that, I encourage people, share your story. Own your story. Don't share somebody else's story, unless it's in a way that's generic and not identifiable. But share your story with as many people as you can. It keeps me accountable. On the days where I felt down, it's like, well, what about all those people who follow you, who care about you? What about all those people who know your story? It's like that kept me going. So I really appreciate you being a part of the story here. In another video.