My friends, I worked the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous the first time through with no sponsor. I'm going to tell you exactly how you can do that now, based on my experience. I will, of course, say that it is going to be much easier for you to do the steps with a sponsor. That said, if you're a stubborn mother lover like me, then you might find yourself doing things on your own. And yes, you can do it, and in my experience it is effective. I had my spiritual awakening as a result of these steps before asking anyone to be my sponsor. In fact, out of having my spiritual awakening came clear guidance that I should get a sponsor and go through the steps again with them. And here today, I've got almost nine years sober. It clearly has been very effective for me.
Two meetings a week and a last chance
When I first started coming to Alcoholics Anonymous, I came to about two meetings a week, because I told myself that, well, I drink like two days a week, so if I go to a couple of meetings a week, that's about the same. Now, never mind that I would drink 10, 12, 18 hours on each of those two days, and I'd end up spending 30, 40 hours a week drinking, and then add in all the time with hangovers. I probably only had one or two good days during the week where I wasn't hungover or drinking. And then you replace that with two AA meetings. Get there right when it starts, leave right when it ends. And that's what I did for the first two months.
Now, for me, I knew it was like life and death that I stay sober, because I tried to end things, tried to harm myself, so many times that I knew this is it. There's no more chances after this. This is the last chance. And that's the only reason I even got to a couple of months sober without doing anything except a couple of meetings a week.
Then the obsession to drink came back. It came back steadily. After the initial desperation and the "I'm going to really change," then after a month or so the obsession to drink creeps back in. I feel sorry for myself that I can't drink. And that's when I started doing step four.
Writing a ten-thousand-word inventory
I just wrote it out. I read the book and I'm like, I don't know what the hell this is talking about. I can't even understand this crap. What I did get out of the book, and out of listening to people at meetings, is that I needed to take a deep, honest inventory of myself like I'd never taken before. And I think I heard somebody share in a meeting about how they wrote a story of their life. So I wrote out a 10,000-word story of my life for the first time, an honest story, without omitting the relevant, more interesting parts like suicide attempts and crazy thinking. I put down on a computer, in a Word document, things I had never even been willing to admit to myself and then tried to hide as much as possible. I thought if nobody else knows about it, it's like it never happened. Unfortunately, if I know about it, and I think I'm a scumbag because of it, it very much counts.
I did that fourth step, and then I immediately started sharing what I was finding in my fourth step in the middle of open AA meetings. I started raising my hand. I'd hear other people talk about their experience with self-harm, and I'd say, yeah, I didn't realize I tried to kill myself so many times. I wouldn't have thought that before I did my fourth step. So I started immediately sharing the findings of my fourth step directly in meetings.
Now, in my experience you can do that if you don't have anything that's going to send you to prison. If you've got some more serious stuff, then you definitely would need a sponsor, or you could go to a religious figure or somebody who has a definite obligation to maintain confidence when you've got whatever you had to share. For me, I just started blabbing stuff all over in meetings that normally I wouldn't even admit to other people, like all my suicide attempts, my crazy thinking, and everything else.
Seeing the patterns and my character defects
From that, I started to see some clear patterns. Like, my mind was saying that everybody else is the problem, and if I just stay sober, I'm now a saint. I started to see how insane I was, and a bunch of character defects that had been unsuspected. I figured that if I stayed sober, I was a great guy. Literally, that was all I had to do, stay sober. There were no other issues. Then from sharing in open meetings and hearing other people's experience, and looking at my life, I'm like, wow, I'm a pretty screwed-up guy.
And that's step six, starting to look at these defects of character. Like, wow, it's not them, it's me. And I would like to do better. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to do better. So I started praying more to stay sober, and I was working that step seven, like, all right, whatever, I'll do whatever it takes to be a better person, to stop being like this.
Then I started to see all these people I had harmed. Things like, wow, I've been an awful husband. In my mind at the time, I'd always beg off, like, well, somebody else has been worse. But most importantly, what do I think I should be able to do about this as a husband, and where am I doing? Way down here. I could do a lot better as a husband. My wife and my mother would be really harmed if I drank, and they've been through a lot.
Making amends by staying sober
And so my ninth step began with, actually, when I thought about a drink, thinking of my wife and my mother. That's a big way to make amends, instead of just getting lost in myself. The last time I did the obsession to drink, the first big amends you can make is to pray to stay sober and think about how much it'll mean to other people. So I started thinking about my wife and my mother, like, wow, if I drink, I'm hurting them. If I drink, I'm dishonest and I'm lying. And I started to see that these character defects could be removed if I stayed sober. If I drank, I was a liar. If I drank, I was an idiot. If I drank, I was very sick. But if I stayed sober, there was hope, and the best thing I could do to make amends would be to stop drinking and to never consider a drink again.
Then getting into step ten from there, like, wow, I'm sitting at home while my wife is at work and I'm scared to go anywhere, because I don't know if I leave the house whether I can stay sober or not. Like, I'll suddenly go on autopilot and go to the liquor store and be drunk before I knew what happened. That tenth step was like, wow, I'm full of fear. I am just rigid, locked up with fear. And I continued to take personal inventory, like, I need to relax. I seriously need to relax. And I need to find a way besides drinking to relax.
Step eleven and a massage next to the liquor store
And that took me into the eleventh step. I'm like, please God, I'll do anything to stay sober. I want to get closer to my creator. I'm desperate, I'm alone, everything is wrong with me, and everybody else is counting on me to not fail them again. Please God, let me get to know you better. Please, I'll do whatever it takes to stay sober. And from there I started to take some more suggestions that people gave in meetings, because up until that point I hadn't taken many suggestions.
I remember this one lady said that when she was stressed out she'd get a massage. The topic of the meeting was different ways to relax when you weren't drinking. We used to drink so that we could take the edge off and relax, and without drinking, what do we do to relax? And this one lady said how she would get a massage, and it was so nice, and it really helped her to relax. At the time I heard it, I thought, yeah, relax, she's probably getting a happy ending, it costs a whole bunch, and what a dumb idea. And that's called contempt prior to investigation.
But the more I prayed to God and sought to make conscious contact with my higher power, I started to listen a little bit more for thoughts that were not the usual obsession to drink and the everybody-else-is-wrong crap. One of the thoughts I got was, well, if you're very upset and stressed and anxious, and you know the solution is to relax, and you know this lady with 20 years sober said that getting a massage helps her relax, don't you think you should try that, at least? I'm sure you could say no if somebody suddenly tried to give you a happy ending.
So I finally got myself out of the house, realizing that I'm going to go get a massage, and I hopefully won't go to the liquor store. I'm going to find a way to relax. And I ended up in the parking lot of a Massage Envy, and there was a liquor store right next door that I used to go to. I'm like, please God, just let me stay sober, I really do want to stay sober. And I realized I was terrified of going in to get a drink, but I was also terrified of going in to get a massage. I'm like, that's stupid, I'm just going to do the next right thing.
Where my spiritual awakening began
And that's where my spiritual awakening began, realizing, wow, I'm afraid of everything. What all of my personalities agree on is fear. I saw this shirt somebody wore and it said "fear is your only God," and in that moment I'm like, wow, yes, all of my personalities are terrified. And you know what, we're going to do the next right thing terrified. I went in to get a massage, and my mind stopped.
That's when I went really deep into the eleventh step. I got this deep meditation that I could not get sitting, or even listening. I heard what sounded like a voice from God, or a guardian angel. It was a thought that was unlike the usual thoughts I had. It was very deep and authoritative, and it sounded like it was already a fact. It knew what I was going to do, and it was making sure I knew that that's what my instructions were. I heard the thought that you're going to ask Tony to be your sponsor. You're going to go to five meetings a week instead of two. You're going to read that book. I had not finished the Alcoholics Anonymous book in three months sober, despite a lot of struggle and obsession to drink.
As soon as that came through, I had the spiritual awakening. I was ready immediately to carry the message, to tell everybody what happened. That's so inspiring. I love seeing that at meetings today, when you've got somebody new who just has had that first spiritual awakening or experience, and they're telling everybody about it. I love it. And that's how I went through the first time through all 12 steps on my own, without a sponsor.
Finding a Sponsor You Feel Safe With
Then I asked Tony to be my sponsor, and I remembered something that I had not even consciously remembered when I did my first fourth step. I remembered a night when I was insane and I had nearly harmed people. I had never told anybody about that night before. I realized I was sitting in the meeting, and I thought, my God, I either need to go drink and end it all right after this meeting, or this is where I work the steps. In my experience, you will benefit a lot from having a sponsor. The key is to have a sponsor you feel safe with. It may be better to just do the steps the way I've done them until you have a sponsor, or someone you can really tell anything at all to.
I wish more people would make use of my services at in-person meetings, because I've heard it all by now. I've read books on alien abductions and everything else. What I loved was when I did my first fifth step with my sponsor, and then I did my second, more detailed one. I did my first person-to-person fifth step, not just raising my hand in meetings and sharing things, but a deeper fifth step, and then my second deeper fifth step. The two men I talked to were men I felt safe with, that I could tell them anything at all. And that's because of how they shared. They left me feeling safe based on what they said, that they could handle whatever I had to say. And I got the gift of their point of view.
You Can Work the Steps Even Without a Sponsor
Even in open meetings, you could do this. In theory you could even do it on Zoom if there are no meetings around you. You can absolutely work the twelve steps of AA without a sponsor and get sober. And what has really kept me coming back is then helping others. Because the more I help others, the more I make videos like this, the more I'm taking inventory. I'm doing another tenth step, taking inventory right now of how my sobriety is, how my program is. I'm practicing carrying the message to the alcoholic who still suffers.
So I really appreciate you spending this time with me today. If you want to keep working on your recovery alongside me and connect with others walking the same road, the best way to do that now is to join my community over at the Jerry Banfield Family, where we share honestly and help each other keep coming back.
If you want some more of me, I've shared a lot of my own story and my program over the years, and you can follow the whole journey through my Life playlist. I love you. You're awesome. Thank you for reading all of this today.