On March 24, 2023, I was at Power Flow for my morning yoga class, and the Yoga Crush girl wasn't there. The pain was brutal, and I was crying again. It just hurt that this whole situation had gotten to where it was. I wanted her to be there so bad, and nobody else even mattered to me there. I felt like I'd just been ripped open, and I did all this to myself, which somehow makes it even better. The entire situation is completely of my own creation. I was the one who latched on and started this, so to speak, and I'm the one who has fueled it the entire way. And there was no relief today.
A shell of myself
I shared at my AA meeting, but I was a shell of myself, and my wife wonders what's going on. She sees that I'm very often emotional, and I just tell her I'm feeling a bit sad. I will talk about this with her at some point, but she has definitely asked me before not to talk about these crushes with her. So even though we are so transparent, and she can read exactly how I'm feeling, she asked me not to bring this up again. So I'm not. I'm not going to talk about it with her.
The resentment, and the open relationship I wish we had
In fact, I resent her for even being here, and I resent her closed mind — that I couldn't have an open relationship, which she's not okay with. I would be okay with it, but she's not, so I resent her for not being open to a relationship where I could have pursued things with this girl and not had to leave her. It's so stupid. Why couldn't she just have more of an open mind?
In fact, why is reality even set up like this? Who came up with all this and thought it would be a great idea? You marry somebody you're really in love with, and then there are all these other people out there all the time, especially at yoga classes, who you can't be with without destroying your whole family. This is absolutely stupid.
I've watched videos in the past of people who have a relationship where there's one guy with two wives or a couple of girlfriends, and I always think, though, really — is that going to work out in the long term? I've had a friend tell me about his experience, where he and his wife had let their relationship get bad. My relationship with my wife isn't bad by any means. We're still taking some quality time for each other every other day, and we have a very smooth and happy relationship most of the time. Just occasionally I have these breakdowns where I just can't stand her anymore, and I desperately wish there were some other option, and I feel totally trapped in the relationship.
What my breakdowns actually look like
Now, my breakdown just involves me usually giving her the silent treatment, or giving her some critical comments in an even tone of voice — not that severe compared to what my parents used to go through. But I am shocked at how long this continues to go on, and I am hoping the suffering will stop at some point. I don't know how much more of this suffering I can keep taking if it goes on and on like this.
What I've decided
I really hope I see her again. I've decided, absolutely for sure, that if I see the Yoga Crush girl again, I will immediately ask for her phone number. I want to get to know her. I want to go out to lunch with her. I want as much time as she'll give me. And I don't care about the consequences anymore.
This is one of those mornings I keep coming back to. I talk through these crushes, my marriage, and the loneliness underneath all of it in my Dating playlist, and I went even deeper into this same yoga crush and what it stirred up in my yoga crush, my marriage, and feeling powerless.