Do You Show Up When It's Difficult?
I'm Jerry Banfield, and this is my July 22nd, 2026 vlog. I was dreading doing this. I was even thinking I'd rather delete my channel than film this vlog — and thankfully I've already deleted over 20 channels on YouTube. But I've got some amazing things to share, like my first amazing prayer experience praying to Jesus yesterday, which is very surprising to me after my history and life of being agnostic and New Age. I have that to share today, and the message that helped me want to step up and do this vlog is this: do you show up when it's difficult? Showing up when things are going your way and you're getting what you want is easy. But do you show up when it's hard?
People have asked me, well, what do you offer? I offer to listen, to care about your story, to lead by example and share experiences from my life that can help you. Having deep, heartfelt conversations with people has been the most transformative thing I've experienced in my life, and if you don't know someone you can have a conversation like that with, I'm available. Some of you might not have anybody you could talk to — but I'm available, and you can schedule a one-on-one call with me and share your life with me.
Nine Days That Changed Everything
Yesterday's video was titled "I Tried to Escape the Loneliness — Here's What Actually Helped," and the one before that was "I Cried Out for My Queen, Then I Met Her." I met this woman — I guess it's nine days ago now — and it just totally transformed my life. We had a really amazing weekend, a couple of dates, spent something like nine hours together. Then on Monday she wanted some space, and yesterday she said she did want to see me, and I just got down on my knees and cried, I was so happy. Then I went about my day doing my work, filming videos, going to a power yoga class and exercising. I went to an AA meeting, and I reflected that the day before I should have reached out — I shouldn't have played video games, I should have reached out and connected with other people.
Then after the AA meeting last night, she messaged me that she was feeling overwhelmed and didn't want to see me. And I was just destroyed. I mean wrecked. I messaged her back saying something like, hey, I think connecting with each other will be the best way — I don't think God wants us to figure out everything on our own. We have other people so we can work together. I think trying to figure out everything by yourself is where suffering comes from. Being at home by yourself trying to figure things out, to me, is where suffering, disconnection, and loneliness are generated. She affirmed her need for space, and I suffered so much that I realized I just needed to get out of the house. I need to get out, and I just need to move.
Walking It Off by the Lake
Thankfully I live right next to this beautiful lake, so I just kind of threw myself outside — like when my dad used to say, go outside and you'll be fine, go play. I went outside and I started walking. I was so disoriented I could barely walk. Meanwhile, this guy who has followed me for 10 years online sent me something like 30 minutes of voice memos encouraging me and trying to help me, and I thought, that's really nice, and I appreciate that. Some people in my Skool community messaged me too, like Scouse Will. And I was so miserable that she didn't want to see me — especially that she had scheduled a time with me and then canceled it, which was something she was in pain about somebody else doing to her the first time I met her.
Praying to Be Okay No Matter What
I was praying so hard. I was just praying constantly — praying to God, to Jesus, to my dad. And the most special part of the prayers is that I was praying that I would be okay no matter what. God, Jesus, please help me be okay no matter what. Because I remember as a kid I used to always pray for my parents to stop fighting, for my mom to stop having headaches. I would pray for things to happen to other people so that I could be okay. It never occurred to me to pray to be okay with the things that were happening around me — to pray to be the kind of kid that could handle it. But now it did occur to me. Please let me be the kind of man that can handle this.
She lives within walking distance of me, and she said she wanted to walk with God. I was hoping maybe I'd run into her — I didn't think it was too likely, but I just needed to get out and walk and see people and be out in nature. I sat down on a bench around the lake, and all of a sudden it reminded me of those Eckhart Tolle talks I used to listen to. All of a sudden there was stillness — I remembered how he described it in his books. I had suffered so much, it's like I broke past it, and all there was was just peace and stillness. The water flowing in the lake, the wind blowing. All of a sudden there was just total acceptance: well, this is fine right now. This is fine. And then I was just so grateful. Thank you for getting to this place. Thank you for crossing through the threshold of the suffering.
I sat there for a little while, then I got up and continued to pray as I walked. I was praying to Jesus: please, you brought us together — please help us navigate this with each other. Please help me be the kind of man who is able to show up and be okay no matter what. And I was thinking about Jesus and his example. I had been reading the Bible, and I had the thought, remembering his example on the cross, that he was willing to sacrifice himself, to suffer — he was willing to suffer for all of us. And that's something I've never consciously been willing to do: to suffer for anyone. And I had the thought: if Jesus was willing to suffer on the cross for everyone, aren't I willing to suffer the pain of giving this woman space when I would rather be close?
Willing to Suffer for Her
She's comfortable on her own. She's been on her own her whole life. She's never had a long-term relationship over a year, whereas I just came out of a 15-year relationship. So I'm used to having that connection and that person there all the time. I'm not used to being by myself, especially when I have someone I have a lot of feelings about. It feels unnatural to have space. So in this equation, at least one of us needs to be uncomfortable as the other one adjusts. Never before have I been willing to be the one who suffers. And suddenly I felt really good and proud and grateful. I thought, yes, I'm willing to suffer for this woman. I'm willing to hurt for her. If that's what it takes to love her, I will suffer. And suddenly I started laughing.
I sent her a couple of messages. I didn't know how to reply to her last message affirming that she wanted space, so I waited, and then I said — I can just read the message and see what I said — I said: I'm here for you no matter what, and I'll accept anything you have to offer. Anything I can offer you, I will, even if it's space. Offering space hurts, but I'll do it to prove I'm serious about you and patient with you. And then I described the experience of praying to Jesus and thinking about his example on the cross — his willingness to consciously suffer for the sake of others — and that I had that same thought: I will suffer for this woman if that's what it takes to show her I'm serious, that I have unconditional love to offer, and that I'm patient with her. If it means she can have what she needs, I will suffer for it.
I felt really good after that. I walked home and I was just kind of blown away. Wow — I just broke into a new frontier of consciousness. That was a major character development milestone. I walked home and I was so peaceful. And yet I hurt. I wanted to see her. I hurt, but it was okay, because it was consciously chosen. I chose this. I accept this. This is my choice. I chose to invest my feelings in her, and I accept this pain. I accept that I can't change it, but I'm doing everything I can to be a man who's strong enough to handle it, who can sit with the pain.
The Lesson: Reach Out
So I sat with the pain, hoping she'd respond. She didn't respond for three hours. And I just sat there and didn't do anything. I ate — I nourished myself. I ate a bowl of popcorn with nothing on it. I didn't even feel like putting any olive oil or anything on it; I just ate air-popped popcorn straight. And then I had some kale — I was sitting next to my hydroponic garden, and I just ripped the kale off it and ate it. Then I remembered my lesson from the day before: reach out. I called my friend who has been there for me so much. I had called him once this morning and he didn't answer, so I called him again, and I poured my heart out to him. It felt so good. This is what I should have done yesterday. I was so lonely yesterday because of the actions I took. It's not like I don't have anybody else in my life besides her — I have a ton of other people in my life. Perhaps I've put too much attention on her in the short term, but I also like to think I laid a strong foundation and opened my heart up, which is important for the long term.
So I talked to him. Then I called my mom and texted her, and she didn't answer. And then I just walked around the lake again, and I sat on this bench, and I thought about her, and I thought about the other people I love. And I prayed, and I cried.
My Life Is Bigger Than I Thought
And as I sat there, my sponsee called. And I was like, thank you — I was really hoping to hear from you today. He's very busy with a wife and three kids and traveling, so I wait for him to call me because he doesn't have much time to talk. He's got two elementary school kids and a baby. And he called me right when I was sitting on the bench. Thank you — I really wanted to talk to you today, and I know you're constantly doing stuff all day. I talked to him, and it was so supportive. The night before, I felt like my life was so small — like it was just her, and she wanted space. And yesterday, I just felt like my life is so big. I have so much to do. I have so many people who care about me.
I had the kids over to my house, and I gave them hugs and snuggles while they played video games. I wondered, should I take these video games away? This is all you guys want to do now. But that didn't feel right either, so I let them do what they want to do, and they had fun. My son was playing this Roblox game yesterday where you try to build nukes and fire them over at other people's bases. He was getting annihilated, but he was having fun.
I Built a Math Game (and Got Humbled)
I also built a little game on jerrybanfield.net yesterday — a little math game called Jerry Banfield Math Strike, which was humbling. You can pick your grade level and then start the game, and it has a timer and a crosshair. I built it with AI. Then I tried playing it on 12th grade math. What's the coefficient of x? What's the coefficient of x cubed? What? Oh my God. I kept guessing — it feels like it's probably five or eight — and it was 10. Dang it. What's the coefficient of x squared? Come on. Three to the fifth? Oh, God. I haven't done 12th grade math in a while, and this thing is surprisingly difficult. So that was humbling. I built that little game yesterday, and I'm still figuring out what I want to do with my games.
On the People Calling Me a Scammer
Meanwhile, some podcast made another video saying what a scammer Jerry Banfield is. I'd sure love to meet all these people I'm supposedly scamming — because what I'm offering is one-on-one calls with me to pour your heart out, to talk to me, to share your life with me, and I'll listen. I don't see where the scam is in that, personally. The latest one said I'm preying on lonely people. Really? I think I'm offering to be there for lonely people as someone who knows the struggle. It's so crazy. But it's a good example of how YouTube is often about: can you say the nastiest stuff and make the biggest drama? Then you'll get views. And I just don't want to do that.
Opening My Heart to My Mom
After I reached out, my mom got back to me. It was funny — I was missing the woman I think I'm dating when she wasn't messaging me, but I didn't miss my mom taking an hour to get back to me nearly as much. As soon as my mom got back to me, I said, yeah, I'll come over to your house. I showed up, and she was surprised how fast I got there. I was literally sitting there ready to go as soon as she messaged — I was at my mom's house about 10 minutes after she sent her message that she was home. And I cried, and I told my mom: I'm sorry for having my heart so guarded with you, Mom. I've opened my heart up to this woman, but my heart has often been closed with you. And you've been there for me longer than anyone else, Mom. I'll try to keep my heart open with you. If I can open it for some new woman, I can open it for my mother — who you might say is the original woman in my life.
I also cried thinking of my dad yesterday. For the first time, I really understand how much my dad loved my mom — that he was willing to suffer for her, that he was willing to stay with her no matter what. And I saw how hard it was. I never understood that viscerally before. Man, that's the kind of love I want to have. That's the kind of man I want to be.
I spent around an hour with my mom, talking to her. The woman I'm dating sent me a voice memo right when I was at my mom's house, and I played it for my mom. My mom said, you need to give this woman some space. It's amazing, with as strong as you came on, that she didn't just run completely — that she's still talking to you and still has any interest in you. That's amazing. So I sent her a voice memo back. My mom said, you should just text her back, you don't need to talk that long. But she sent me a two-minute voice memo, so I sent her a two-minute voice memo. And I had a really nice time with my mom and her dog.
Hello, Darkness, My Old Friend
Then I went home. And as soon as I got home, the thoughts were on me. All the dark thoughts. You're such an idiot for loving this woman you don't know. You're such a fool for getting on your YouTube channel and crying like a baby so that people are concerned for you. The thoughts were just on me. And as I laid there, I remembered that song — hello, darkness, my old friend. And I thought of these thoughts that way. Ah, it's you all again. Hello, darkness, my old friend. The thoughts felt familiar, and I welcomed them. And I prayed to God: please let me sleep. Please let me love myself and be the kind of man I'm proud to be. And I went to sleep. I woke up at one at night, kind of startled, and I woke up and went back to sleep a few times, and I mostly slept peacefully. I'm so grateful for that.
I got up a little late today, around 8:30, and Blockchain Pill messaged me: I'm here for you — you want to talk? And I said, yeah, let me film this vlog first. I've got a sweet idea for a message I can send the woman I'm dating, and at the same time, I'll wait a little bit longer this morning. Let me get my work done. Let me talk to Blockchain Pill first. And I just pray, and I'm grateful. This is valuable character building.
Can I Be Kind When I Don't Get What I Want?
I reflected this morning that I've never been the one in a relationship who wasn't the most selfish person in it. In every relationship I was in, I was always the most selfish person, all the time. And I would always one-up: if you hurt me, I'd hurt you back. I struggled with forgiveness, and I was not nice. If you didn't do what I wanted, I was going to be mean. And this is a chance for me to practice. This woman didn't do what I wanted the last couple of days — I really wanted to see her, we had such a nice time. My practice is: can I be nice to her when she doesn't do what I want? And no matter what happens with her, I'm committed to pursuing her.
One of the worst thoughts I had last night is that all those losers who promote all this crap on YouTube are right — that you can't just love a woman, you can't just share your heart, that you have to play games and all that. That the heartfelt approach I've taken with her is wrong, and it's pushed her away, and she's never coming back. Those are some of the worst thoughts: that all those jerks who just say nasty, hurtful things on YouTube are right. No — I don't want them to be right. I'm going to do everything I can to show up here. And I woke up this morning thinking, what a real test of your character. Do you show up when it's difficult? And how do you show up when it's difficult?
When You're Squeezed, What Comes Out?
I remember Wayne Dyer talking about how the test is when you're squeezed — what comes out? When I'm squeezed, I want love to come out, not hate and anger and judgment. And a lot of the tears I'm crying are love — I have a heart that's here. I asked my heart recently, why do you do this? There are no breaks. You beat all day, every day. You never get a day off. You have to work hard sometimes, but then you don't truly get to rest — you still have to work all night while we're sleeping. Why do you do this? And the heart responds: it's out of love. I love the body, and I love life, so I serve constantly. That's all I do — love and serve.
Some people think it's crazy to have these feelings, or that there's something wrong with you. No — there's something right with me. I'm intending to be an example. This is what life should look like. This is what a healthy adult looks like who can feel a huge range of feelings. I'm sharing my growth and my challenge publicly. Most people keep this stuff private, and a lot of people do anything to numb the pain and avoid these lessons. But I'm not. I'm facing them, I'm living them, and then I'm sharing them. And I think that's an example worth following. That's the kind of world I want to live in — a world where people are like this. So I must be the kind of person I want to live in that kind of world with.
And I'm grateful. I hope this woman and I can make a beautiful life together. But the guaranteed return out of the experience with her is that I'm becoming the person I want to be. I'm shedding the person I became before. I am proud of who I'm being today. I'm proud of the character I'm building today — this is a character I enjoy. I love that when I'm squeezed, tears of joy and love come out. And when I'm squeezed and I'm in pain, tears of pain come out instead of lashing out and fighting. I just feel.
The Most Beautiful Version of Myself
I think this is the most beautiful version of myself I've seen — that I still have the emotions I had when I was a child, but I have the adult point of view to navigate life. And I'm very grateful for all of you who care so much. I see there are 42 comments on "I Cried Out for My Queen" and 18 comments on the one from yesterday. That's a lot more comments than most of my videos get — except, of course, when I said the carnivore diet is trash. When I went out and got toxic, that got lots of comments too. If you want to follow this whole journey as it unfolds, these vlogs are all in my Life playlist.
Thank you. I appreciate your love and support. Thank you. I'm opening my heart to receive all your love and support, even if I may not see it. I pray that I feel it.