My friends, you're about to hear ten things I do that help keep me emotionally stable and sober. If you've struggled with bipolar, depression, anxiety, giddiness and euphoria, and out-of-control feelings, this will be really helpful for you based on my experience going through those exact things. If you get anything out of this, you can have hope. I remember my emotions used to feel so permanent and hopeless, and today I feel grounded, and I feel in control of my life, which is really nice.
Get honest about exactly where you're at
The first thing that helps me stay emotionally stable and emotionally sober is getting honest about exactly where I'm at in each moment, and separating as much as possible how I'm feeling versus the stories I'm telling. Then I can say things like, oh, I'm feeling scared right now, or I'm feeling sad right now, and I'm feeling nervous, I'm feeling confused, and then there don't have to be all these stories with it. It's just a feeling in the body, and feelings in the body can pass.
When you put the stories together with an emotion, then it becomes, oh, I'm feeling sad because my dad died. Well, my dad's been passed nine and a half years now, and it'd be unproductive to keep being sad over the same reason. Taking those feelings and stories apart allows us to have different feelings. Because I can always feel happy that I love my father, and I can feel joyous that my father's not suffering anymore and has a chance to have a new life, and I can feel grateful that I'm able to contact my father directly, telepathically. So when you take apart the feelings and the story, that really helps stabilize things. Everyone I see struggling is always pairing a feeling with a story, and that's where you start feeling powerless.
You have to be honest, though. Don't tell somebody, when they ask how are you doing, oh, I'm doing great, when you're not. When I am struggling, which happens a time or two during the week, usually for a little while, I sometimes will just be quiet if someone asks how I'm doing. Or I'll say, I'm feeling a little confused right now, I'm feeling a little down right now, and then I'll talk about the things I'm thinking about as if they're not necessarily and definitively related, because sometimes the same things I'm happy about are the same things I'm sad about. That's the starting point. When I got honest, nine years ago when I first got sober, I realized my feelings were totally out of control and my drinking was totally out of control, and I saw that I could not get sober with all these out-of-control feelings.
Don't do emotionally destabilizing things
So the second key thing is, if you want to be emotionally stable, then don't do emotionally destabilizing things. For me, alcohol and mind-altering substances are emotionally destabilizing forces. Now, I know it's challenging, because a lot of us think that we are drinking or taking drugs to try and feel better, but really we're often taking these things to try and get temporary relief or try and gain some control, and we're often not thinking long-term. What's challenging about getting sober and getting clean is the short-term thinking. When you're sad or depressed you think, I'll just drink this or take this so I can feel better right now, but then you don't look at the long-term cost of that.
What I've found is that yes, drinking often would provide short-term relief to feeling anxious or feeling depressed or feeling confused, but long-term, like the next day, drinking would often provide the hangover, and the things I did while drinking would often provide more confusion, more anxiety, more fear. Drinking exaggerated my bipolar nature. It's much easier being sober to not go bipolar, but when you drink and take yourself way high up here and then you hang over and go way down into the depths of depression, even then, when you don't drink the next day, your body and your mind are still in this habit of going to these extremes. So if you don't want to go to those extremes, what I've found is to not take anything that fuels the extremes. When I drank it would get some of the highs out to just ridiculous levels, and it would push some of the lows to really scary episodes and dangerous levels. So for me, no mind-altering substances, and getting honest about where I'm at, is the starting point to emotional stability. But there's a lot of work to do from there.
Be part of a community with the same intention
The next big thing to do is to be in a community of people that have the same intention. So if you're trying to get sober, going to Alcoholics Anonymous and other support groups can be a big positive part of that. If you have experienced a lot of emotional instability, being around people who are emotionally sober and emotionally stable can really help. On the other end, if you're trying to get sober and you keep hanging out with people who are drinking, it's difficult to stay sober, and I consistently see people relapse in Alcoholics Anonymous who are unwilling to stop hanging out with their drinking friends after they try and get sober.
Being a part of a community that has the same goals and desires that I do gives me a huge lift, and allows me to get my own power back, to go through with decisions like, I'm going to stop drinking, that I couldn't do before on my own. Being a part of a community of people who love you and support you and care about you is a huge emotionally stabilizing force. The great thing is that groups like Alcoholics Anonymous and other support groups have these all over the world. If you're not an alcoholic, you have things like Al-Anon; if you've got an alcoholic family member or friend, there's Adult Children of Alcoholics. There's all kinds of other groups for people who are emotionally unstable that are supportive. There are religious communities, there are charity organizations. If you don't know where to find a community, you can just start thinking about, where can I go where I can find people who are emotionally unstable and supportive of people like me, where we can love and help and support each other?
I read a book by a doctor called Mind Over Medicine that emphasized the massive health value that being a part of a community has. I would define a community as people you see almost every day. It doesn't have to be the same people. I go to Alcoholics Anonymous five days a week; I don't see the exact same people at every single meeting, but there's probably fifty or a hundred people I consistently see every week. That's a community. I'm not talking about one or two people. One or two is better than none, but I think these bodies are wired to be connected with fifty to a hundred and fifty-plus other people who really know us, who really see us, who are in the same tribe as us, who are interested in the same kind of life as we are.
Avoid isolation
What makes it difficult to be emotionally stable is isolation, so the fourth step I'm going to identify here is to avoid isolation. Isolation is both mental and physical. Mental isolation is where you're not talking about the things you're thinking and the things you're feeling with people, where you're thinking and feeling these things secretly, and especially if it's some negative temptation, like you're trying to get sober and you're thinking about drinking. What helped for me to get the breakthrough was to tell other people, I'm thinking about drinking, and to tell people at AA I'm thinking about drinking. Tell my mother. That's the end of mental isolation.
Physical isolation is also toxic. The people I know who are the most sick are also the most physically isolated. They often live by themselves, do not hang out with hardly any other people, and they often will say, well, I don't want to be around anybody because I'm sick. But from my point of view, they're sick because they're not around other people. If they would go be around other people, things would change. When I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was mentally and physically ill, and I'm not now. Isolation is the opposite of what you're looking for. Isolation is where you get into severe emotional instability, because being around other people helps naturally regulate emotions. When I go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and I sit there and I listen to everybody sharing and everybody's lives, I naturally start to balance my emotions. If I'm really happy, it's like I give some of that to other people, and I get grounded back to earth a little bit. If I'm really sad, I get picked back up and feel a little bit better. Other people naturally help keep our emotions grounded.
Share your life with a partner who shares your vision
The fifth suggestion I will offer is that dating someone or being in a romantic relationship with someone who shares your life vision, who you both grow together and make each other better, is an incredible way to balance your emotions. It's an incredibly supportive part, for me, of not being emotionally isolated. My wife knows me better than anybody else. She can read my moods exactly. While this is intimidating, and it can be scary, and you can think, I don't want somebody to know me this well, it's actually quite the opposite. It's really nice to have somebody know me that well. It's really nice to have somebody who can read my mind and know what I'm thinking, and I'm never alone anymore because of that. That was one of the first big things we came through when we started dating. It was amazing how well we could understand each other.
If you want to have a great relationship, you need to get rid of anything that's taking up that space, which means leaving relationships that aren't great, or setting a vision like, look, if we're going to have this relationship, it's going to be great. We're going to love each other. We're going to grow together. We're going to make each other better, or we're not going to do it. I'll find somebody who will. I know that's tough, but I have a wonderful relationship with my wife because I've said that with her. Look, let's make this relationship great. Here's what I want. Tell me what you want. Let's make sure we can do it. Let's be clear and honest with each other. In the past, I dated people where we just weren't making each other better, and either I left or they left, and it was great.
If you're not in a position for one reason or another to date, whatever it is, you might be surprised. Open your mind. My aunt was in her 60s and was divorced and didn't think she was in a position to date, and I encouraged her. Look, try. She went out on one date and was all down about it. I'm like, keep going. It's unreasonable to expect you to go out with one person and that's going to be it. Do you know how many people I went out with before I met my wife? A lot.
You should feel instant compatibility, generally, with a person who is right for you. If you say no to everybody who isn't right, you move to get into the right position, and you can find somebody where you really make each other better. If you can't date for any reason, then having a supportive living situation is the next best thing. Because generally, if you're dating, you're going to end up living together anyway, whether that's living with your kids, your parents, or your family members. Anybody who can love and support you in a family loving environment that you can depend on and rely on is a gift, and when you're not dating, that support can also come from friends.
I have a girl who's a friend here, and while she was single she consistently lived with other women who had the same life vision and the same values as her. Then she started dating someone and moved in with him. It's been great to see how she has navigated her life, and one thing she's done that has made her life so much better is that she never lived by herself. She kept living with other single women when she was single, and then she lived with a guy, and it's helped her navigate life a lot more smoothly.
Tip Six: Be Considerate About What You Take In
The sixth tip I'll give for emotional stability is to be very considerate with the things you take in. If you watch a lot of movies and TV shows where people are hitting each other, guns are pointing at each other all the time, and you're always looking for a suspect, and your music is talking about dealing drugs and shooting people and getting over on somebody and getting that money, the things you take in are often subconsciously adding programming to your mind. So it's unreasonable to take in a bunch of conflict-based inputs. If you're grinding out four hours a day in a war zone, it's kind of unreasonable to think you're going to be emotionally stable doing that.
I used to play a lot of video games, and I noticed that video games can contribute to my emotional instability. I would often get really low or really high playing a war zone, and I'd feel either drained or all euphoric, and then that would contribute to my emotional instability in the rest of my life. So what I do now is I look at each thing I'm taking in and I ask, is this TV show something I want programming my mind? I mostly watch Star Trek with my mom now. And yes, you can occasionally have some junk food. I watched an action movie with my mom at the movies the other day, and even that one action movie left me feeling a little off and had an impact on my emotions. But you've got to live a little bit. We're not trying to be completely boring and never do anything with anybody ever, and it is important to honor other people. What really matters is what you're doing consistently every day.
If you listen to certain kinds of music that are all "wah wah, I hate my life, I'm isolated, everybody's wrong, I'm a victim, everybody sucks," then it's going to be hard to be emotionally stable, because that music is programming you to be like that and you're hearing these words over and over again: I'm a victim, life's too hard, it's impossible, I can't do it, you did this to me, it's not fair. If you're listening to all that, in my experience it's unreasonable to think you'll feel steady. What I do is I mostly listen to instrumental music. Deadmau5 is one of my favorite artists, along with ETC Kid on Bandcamp. I listen to about an hour of his improv instrumental music every day, and I listen to Deadmau5 songs consistently. What that does is help my mind open up and stay active while turning off the part that's language programmed. That part of your mind doesn't need to engage with instrumental music, so I find it's really helpful to listen to instrumental music for mood stabilization. I've also noticed that in the past, when I've gotten into bad moods, I didn't want to listen to instrumental music, because I didn't want to feel better.
Tip Seven: Do What Helps You Even When It Feels Wrong
The seventh tip I'll give you is that when you're feeling down, be very intentional about doing the stuff you know will help you feel better. It will often feel wrong, and you just have to be aware of the insanity. For example, the other week I was in a just yucky mood one morning, and I dragged my body to yoga. It didn't want to go, it didn't want to look at anybody or tell anybody how bad and annoyed I was feeling, how disconnected from everybody I felt. I didn't even say goodbye to the yoga teacher when I walked out, even though she said goodbye to me. I tried to avoid contact with everybody. But just being around and doing yoga with a room full of other people helped me feel a little better.
What I used to do when I was on the downside is I would isolate, and I would stop doing some of the things that were supportive. Or I would get into behaviors like drinking that would further cause me to feel worse. This is why, when you're feeling good, that is the time to make the habits you can stick with when you're feeling bad. This is what I tell people when they're getting sober: when you feel good, you need to get in the habit of calling your sponsor, going to an AA meeting, reading the book, and listening to stuff that inspires you. Get into the habit every day, so that when you feel bad you just do it on autopilot, because when you feel bad is exactly when you need your habits to kick in.
My mind was screaming that it didn't want to go to yoga the other day, but I'm in the habit of going to yoga, and my habit carried me there with my mind being all pissy anyway. I didn't want to go to my meeting either. Well, the part of me that was upset and sad and triggered didn't want to go to the meeting, but the part of me that wanted to feel better was desperate to go. And if you want to maintain emotional stability, building those habits of the things you know consistently help you stabilize and feel better is essential. It comes with the mindset to be prepared. Because when I feel good, I know there's a time coming when I may not feel so good, and I'm prepared. My habits are in position and my relationships are in position to carry me through.
Tip Eight: Admit That Part of You Likes the Chaos
The eighth suggestion I'll give to help maintain emotional stability is that when there's emotional instability detected, just realize on some level that you like it. On some level you're enjoying the chaos, that it's fulfilling some kind of need to make life interesting and to learn something new. What I do is I ask, okay, what do I learn from this? Often our emotional instability can be a good opportunity to rethink things. Because the vast majority of the time, when I'm happy and life is good and I'm very emotionally stable, I'm very grateful for my life. I love my wife, I love my kids and my mother, I love my meetings and my yoga and all my people online. And that can prevent me from having some thoughts that are actually productive for learning and growing and being considerate of others. That can be an easy place to lose compassion for other people, to look at somebody and think, why are you screwing your life up so much? Just do what I did and get your stuff together.
But then on that day a few weeks ago, where I was all annoyed and didn't want to look at anybody or talk to anybody, that day helped me in several ways, because my mind was thinking the opposite of everything I normally think. For example: I can't stand my wife, I need to get a new woman. I need to stop hanging out with my mom. My work sucks and I need to just quit what I'm doing. Everything was wrong. And when that happens, I ask, what do I learn from this? What kind of thoughts coming up now will be useful that I wouldn't normally think? The thoughts that were useful in that state were things like: look how hard life gets to be for me sometimes, even though I'm taking really good care of myself. Can I have compassion and understanding for people where the pain I'm experiencing is such a fraction of what they're experiencing? Can I have compassion and understanding when they're struggling? And can't I look and appreciate that I don't even want to be with another woman? Certainly some part of me does, but more than likely there's not going to be a better deal with another woman. Then I face the hopelessness of it, like, well, I'm not happy with the one I've got, and I'm not going to find another one. And then, looking at the ridiculousness, the insanity, the irrationality, you feel really powerful to be able to observe your own irrationality and not do anything about it.
For example, my wife told me the other day that she'd hit a record high of money in her bank account, and I felt jealous. I felt like she ought to give me some more, even though she's given me plenty. She consistently pays most of the bills and consistently gives me money whenever I ask for it. And yet I got triggered, thinking, as a man, I ought to be providing for my family, my wife shouldn't be out earning me. My mind went, if she wasn't working so much she's sabotaging my creativity; if she wasn't working so much, and it was all about me, then I'd be making more money than her. And I told her, my thinking has really devolved into complete irrationality right now, and I just need to tell you this so that it's transparent. So I told her that, and I felt better. That's why it helps so much to not try and fight the state of mind you're in when you're unstable.
What I used to do when I was a few years sober is that as soon as I started feeling anything a little uncomfortable, I'd say, God, help me, please take it away, I don't want it, I don't like it. And that's fighting. But now I'm like, all right, bring on the suffering, let's do it. This delicious, disgusting depression and sadness, ooh, yes, I like it, embrace it.
Tip Nine: Your Emotions Are a Rainbow
The ninth suggestion is to realize that the emotions we experience are like a rainbow. And there's this big push in our culture, for some reason, that you should only see certain colors, that you should just be happy all the time and smile and it's all good no matter what else is happening. And then if you ever have any of these other emotions, there's something wrong with you and you should let somebody make a profit off trying to give you something to numb out.
Embrace the Emotions Instead of Forcing Them Away
What I see is that in the middle of feeling whatever you wouldn't want to feel — depressed, anxious, confused — this is a part of the human experience. I wouldn't want to cut out parts of the rainbow just because I didn't like how a certain color looks, and I don't want to cut out parts of the human experience either, because I'm here to have the whole experience. I'm here to have the ups and the downs. I'm here to have the depressed days and the euphoric days. I'm here to have the confused, annoying days, and I'm here to have the absolute clarity, on-top-of-the-world days. You can't really appreciate the happy days without the sad days. Happiness all the time can feel utterly meaningless, and it can even lead to some real sad days.
So number nine is to really embrace and lean into the emotions. Don't try to force them away. Often they have something to tell you. There's an opportunity to grow, or just to enjoy the experience.
Help Others
The tenth tip I'll give is to help others. Be out there looking for people who are sad, give them a hand up, pray for them, ask them how they're doing, and be there to listen. I just got a text from a girl I talked with for an hour after an AA meeting today. She really needed someone to listen to her, and I really enjoyed listening to her and getting out of my own head, because from her point of view my life situation is super easy. I have financial security. I have a job. I do work I love. I'm healthy. My life is super easy compared to hers. So it was good for me to take in her life and listen, give a few thoughts, and be in her mind instead of mine for a little while. Then she gets my perspective, and she gets hope from looking at it — that there's the possibility to change anything I want to, that everything is possible.
These tips are all very related, and what I find is that doing well on one of them makes it easier to do another. Reaching out and helping others makes it easier when I'm down, because I'm already in position instead of reaching. Sometimes me reaching out and helping others happens when I'm in a bad mood, telling my mom, "Hey mom, I'm not feeling good right now." I swear one of the things my mom loves the most is helping me when I'm not feeling good. When I'm down, it's like her life purpose is realized and she's all fired up to help me. Feeling down is an opportunity for somebody who's feeling up to help you, or for somebody else who's feeling down to know that you're not alone — you're in it together.
What's Worked for Me
I recorded this with the hope that these ten tips, the ones that have helped me maintain emotional stability and sobriety, will help you have hope and show you what's worked for me. If you want emotional stability and sobriety in your life, this is what I do. If any of it resonates with you and you'd like to keep going deeper with me, the best way to do that today is to join the Jerry Banfield Family community, where we can walk through this together. You can also find more of these reflections in my Life playlist.
I filmed this live on Twitch and on TikTok. If you found it helpful, I'd love to really get to know you. Much love.