Here’s how you can help a woman approach you without saying a word, using your heart, your mind, and your feelings. I successfully applied this an hour ago, and I stumbled into this strategy by accident. This is something more advanced that will require your whole body, mind, and soul to be in alignment to do it, so don’t be frustrated if it doesn’t work right away. It also will often only work maybe 20% of the time — but when it does, you’ll be like, whoa, that was awesome. Here’s the basic strategy, and then I’ll explain all the details around it.
She Needs to Feel Something First
Women generally — and this doesn’t mean every woman — are often very much feeling based. If you want a woman to approach you, she needs to feel something for you. And most of the time, women don’t feel anything for most of the men they’re around. Especially if you talk to her first, she often will not feel something positive these days, which is why I said recently that I will never ask a woman out again. I believe in using my heart to attract a woman who feels so safe that she will initiate with me — which is exactly what happened earlier today.
Here’s how you do that. The way I understand it, your heart puts out an electrical field that is powerful enough to be felt acutely within a few feet. So in order to get a woman to approach me, what I do is start opening my heart, and I think about how much I love her and how much I’m grateful she’s there. I start thinking a whole bunch of these warm, loving thoughts. Sometimes, depending on the situation, I’ll go down a whole rabbit hole with it. This is powerful, though, so you need to be careful how you use it. This is not something I would do with a woman who has a wedding ring on, and if you do this with a woman you’ve already talked to, there are a lot of additional problems — I’ll get into that in a minute.
The basic strategy is to be silent and to just focus your heart and your love on the woman you would like to approach you. Obviously this works better in an environment where you have some time together silently — a yoga studio, the gym, a workout class, an AA meeting, a church group — anywhere you don’t have to worry about making small talk, but where you’re going to be sitting there or working out near each other without talking. The more you do this over time, the more you put out these loving thoughts, the more of a chance you have to build an intense level of feeling. If you want to help her feel safe and desiring of approaching, this is what I’ve found it takes.
What This Looked Like at Yoga Today
Let me show you what this looks like when it’s done successfully. I was at a yoga class today, I walked in, and I started feeling a bit defensive again. I talked about that yesterday — how dating is not broken, it’s our hearts that we need to forgive and put back together, and from there everything will work fine. I remembered that, and I’m like, I’m going to open my heart and I’m going to really love and show up. And then this woman who’s 10 or 15 years younger than me, very attractive, puts her mat right about where I wanted to put my mat while I was still putting my shoes in the shelf. My first feeling is annoyance. I’m like, well, damn it — now what? And then I’m like, you know what, I’m going to put my mat right next to her, because I wanted to go over there anyway.
So I walk over and I put my yoga mat next to her, but I don’t make eye contact with her. I do not say anything to her. I want to remain mysterious. I want her to feel something for me before there’s ever any conversation, and I want her to initiate that conversation. I want it to be her idea. I put my mat down next to her and then I go about my yoga practice. But as I go about my practice, I start thinking and focusing this energy on this woman right next to me as intensely as I can. I think: I love you. You’re so beautiful. I’m so glad you’re here. Look at that — outstanding yoga pose. I’m complimenting her in my mind. I even have lots of sexual thoughts that I allow to go through my mind, and I have fantasies about us doing stuff together.
Now, some people would call that simping, but here’s the thing: if you focus it, it is really powerful. If you put that feeling out there, it can work to get something started — you just can’t be putting it out there directly. If you can focus that energy, it will sometimes be felt very warmly. A woman will, for some reason, just feel really good being next to you. So that’s what I did for the entire yoga class. I love you. You’re so beautiful. I’m so glad you’re here. Thank you for showing up today. Think of that hundreds and hundreds of times — hundreds and hundreds of affirmations during class — while meanwhile I’m paying attention to my own yoga practice.
Meanwhile, I am lean, but I’m not some Chad. I don’t have a six pack. In fact, I have a little spare tire, because I used to weigh 250 pounds and I lost 80 pounds, so my skin is still a little loose around my belly since it’s so much smaller than it was a decade ago. I’m 5’11”. I’m good looking, but I am not some top-tier-looking guy by any means. And you don’t have to be — because in my experience, if you can connect right with a woman’s heart like this, that’s going to matter more than anything else. You can tell with guys like Casey Zander that their stuff is purely logical guy stuff. With the women you want to connect with, you connect at a heart level to make the best connection.
She Made Her Move
So I did that for the entire yoga class. And then I sat there and waited for her to get up. I just gave her space and time to make her move. And she made her move. After the instructor finished talking, she turned and looked me right in the eyes, stuck her fist out, and said, “Good job in that class today.” And I was like, nice — that worked.
Do you understand how rare that is? If I don’t do these exact techniques, if I don’t have that inner experience — I’ve been to thousands of yoga classes, and that will almost never happen without me having that internal experience of just loving and worshiping and being super grateful for her. That will almost never happen. So I say there is a very strong causal relationship between what I did inside and what she did on the outside. I guarantee you, 99 times out of a hundred, if I’m in class hurt like I was yesterday — not physically, but mentally — if I’m all butthurt and close-hearted and thinking judgmental thoughts about her, or distracted thinking about my work or doing something else, 99 times out of a hundred this woman I’ve never seen before does not turn, make physical contact with me, reach out to me first, and directly approach me. I guarantee you that doesn’t happen. Maybe occasionally it might happen if you’re just super good looking — but even then, you will often intimidate women, and they won’t start anything with you anyway. So this is extremely powerful, and I’ve done it a bunch of times. I’ll share some of those stories in a minute.
Here’s how the rest of it went. She starts a conversation with me. I talk to her, and then I break off the conversation because my cubby’s in a different direction. She goes outside, and she ends up walking a block ahead of me, stopping to fool around with her stuff, and I’m like, I don’t know what’s going on. I happen to be walking the same direction, run into her, and start talking to her again. She is very warm with me — very interested in talking about me, asking questions about me, sharing about herself. Do you understand how rare that is? If you go out with a bad attitude, if you go out with a closed heart, if you don’t put out that energy, that doesn’t happen. I’ve been on a bit of a negative spiral lately going to these yoga classes, feeling all butthurt and jealous that my ex-wife has already found a new boyfriend while I’ve gone out with something like 20 women. And that’s part of why I’m writing this down — I don’t want to forget it.
And then I do not ask for her phone number. I let her offer her phone number if she wants to. One of the last things she said was, “Do you come to this class regularly?” And I’m like, “No, I usually play tennis now.” And then I just walked off in the other direction. I want her to want more from me. I want her to do exactly what she did. If she wants my phone number, she can ask for it — I’m not going to offer it, because when it’s her idea, she’ll be very interested and very warm.
I guarantee if I had started talking to her first today with cold energy — that cold-approach energy so many of these guys are teaching — I know what I’d get. I’ve tried that a bunch of times at yoga classes over the last year, where I didn’t put out that loving energy and came in with cold-approach energy instead. And what do I get? They’re cold with me. They’re uninterested in talking to me. They can’t wait to stop talking to me. And then I feel bad, and because I feel bad, I’m not going out with that loving energy the next time. Today, I felt so good, and I think I left her feeling good. And you know what? I put that yoga class down on my calendar. I’ll go to that one another time and see if she’s there. And if she’s there, I’ll slide my mat up next to her again, say hi, see how she reacts from there, and then put that energy out again.
How I First Discovered This by Accident
Now let me tell you how I first discovered this strategy. It was totally by accident, in a yoga class a few years ago. I noticed this woman and I’m just like, my God — I just felt so much. Maybe it’s because she was really attractive. She was there with her girlfriend, though. And I kept seeing this woman in class, and I kept putting this energy out towards her, because I was having a little rough time in my marriage, and I was missing feeling that way about my wife. This woman really reminded me of my wife ten years before. So I started putting this energy out towards her.
This woman was a decade younger than me and absolutely as beautiful as I could want a woman to be — and again, she was there with a girlfriend I saw her in class with. I did not consciously know what I was doing at the time. All I knew is that when I saw her, I just felt all this love, lust, and desire, and I was so happy. There are so many beautiful women in yoga, but for some reason this particular woman caught my attention way more than any other had. And I just put out all this love and worshiped her and was so excited — but I did not say anything to her, especially because I was married. I’m like, this is perfectly harmless if I don’t say anything.
I saw her at at least six yoga classes, and each of us took turns putting our mat down right next to the other one. But nobody said anything, because we were both in relationships. And yet one day I put my mat down next to her and I’m like, I have to talk to her today. I have to. I go to look to speak to her — and she looks and turns and speaks to me first. If you want to talk about romantic sparks: oh my God, this feeling was so strong. And that’s what you want. You want that strong feeling before you ever talk to a woman, ideally — or you want her to have such a level of feeling that she’s got to talk to you first.
Physical Safety and Emotional Safety
That sets up what, to me, the roles should be. The man should be all about physical safety — being a safe man, especially physically. And the woman should be the emotional safety leader. That means the woman should take the risk of investing feelings first, because in my experience women deal better with feelings, and men deal better with logic, physicality, and physical safety. So to me, women want a safe man — and I want a woman who’s emotionally safe, who will take the dangerous leaps for us emotionally first, so I don’t have to.
In this case with the woman at yoga, where we both seemed to have a crush on each other, I eventually ended it by telling her I wasn’t going to come see her at the class anymore. She looked really hurt when I said that. What I was really saying is that I felt like I was losing control of myself talking to her, because I felt so much for her — and she was returning it. I’m like, I’m not going to cheat. But then I got divorced last year, and then I’m like, man, maybe I should have had more of an open mind about that, because now I don’t see her anymore.
I basically learned how to do this when I was married. And the sad thing I see today is that this was the energy I used to put out towards my wife. I used to give my wife that every day. But I built up resentments, and I stopped giving that to her, and then our relationship snowballed. If I look back, it was me that pulled that energy back first, that stopped being so grateful and so loving towards her. And then she always felt not good enough when I pulled that energy back. So I learned how to do this accidentally, unconsciously, while I was married.
I remember another day, another class, a different woman — a drop-dead beautiful woman. I put my mat next to her, and all class — this was right before I got separated, to be fair — all class, I lasered in intentionally. And this woman turned and looked at me after class and just gave me this big smile and made deep eye contact with me for like two seconds before saying anything. And I was like, wow. Wow. She just wanted to return that energy I’d been putting out towards her all class.
Be Very Careful Who You Do This With
The way I look at it: if a woman is single and would be desiring sex and would want to find a man, a partner, then you definitely do want to put out that energy — the fantasies, the lust, that should definitely be communicated. But do not do that with a woman who’s married or who would not like for that to be going on. For example, I have a friend, and I’m very careful with her. She’s attractive, she has a boyfriend that I know, and I like this guy. So I’m very careful not to do this with her, because she would receive it. But with single women, this is very attractive for getting their attention — they start looking at you and feeling romantic sparks.
Then I got separated, and one day I was just kind of being sloppy with my energy. I did this exact same strategy with a woman at a yoga studio who was married, and she got uncomfortable and complained about me — even though on the surface, all I did was put my mat next to her. She’d known me for years. And yet she got this story in her head based on how I was feeling, the thoughts I was putting out — me being single, being desperate, being sloppy, and not considering the impact on her. She complained to the yoga studio that she didn’t feel safe with me in class. They knew me, and they’re like, look, you’ve got to stop talking to women. And in this case, I had literally given her a compliment on her sweater that day too.
This is why it’s important: be very careful who you do this with. And if you don’t know the person you’re doing it with, always keep your mouth shut. If you keep your mouth shut, there’s plausible deniability — there’s nothing there. It’s opening your mouth plus doing this that can cause problems. If I had just done that with a woman I didn’t know who was married, generally they just will not respond at all.
And yes, you can be hurt sometimes. I’ve had a lot of times where I’ve put out all that loving energy and gotten no response at all. In those cases, the woman is usually married, or has a boyfriend, or is not interested for whatever reason, or she’s in her head or her heart’s closed. And that’s fine, because then I haven’t risked anything. All I did was try to love somebody and open my heart, and maybe they felt good, but nothing comes of it — which is fine. The goal with this is to communicate the love that I have to offer to the woman who’s interested in receiving it. And once I find that woman, going forward I’ll shut that down anytime it’s not with my woman. But while I’m going around waiting for women to approach me, I have to do this or I won’t get approached. If I go around with cold energy, or I go around like a lot of guys do, nothing’s going to happen.
I really want to remember this going forward: you can’t do this if you’re not honestly feeling it. You’ve got to really feel this deeply from the heart, and then it works. If I’m not feeling it deeply from the heart, I just can’t put it out there. When I am feeling it, energetically it’s like I’m dancing around and shouting.
Only Match the Energy She Gives You
I did this with a woman successfully earlier at yoga too. Again, this woman was like the most beautiful I could possibly imagine — and this goes against all the stuff some of these dating gurus are talking about with how you’ve got to look. Nope. That’s because they don’t know this stuff — all they do is go around in their heads and try to signal and do all this outer stuff. That has a place and a time where it will work. What I’m talking about works fantastically, powerfully, with the right person.
In this case — and this was one of the most beautiful women I’d ever seen out of hundreds at this yoga studio — she actually introduced herself to me first. And then I opened my mouth and said I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the yoga studio. Which was true — I wouldn’t have said that to any other woman. But I never saw her again after that. So the right move for me to make there is this: keep your subconscious communications, your telepathic, heartfelt communications going as a man — and shut that down verbally. You help the woman feel that way, but you do not say it before she has said something like that. If she had said, “My God, you’re so hot — I love when you’re in class,” then I could have said, “Well, I think you’re the most beautiful woman that comes to this studio.” But she had literally just asked my name, and I went way too far forward. The idea is to take the lead as a man emotionally, with heartfelt love, but silently — and then only match, verbally and concretely, the energy she gives coming back.
From here, I am really excited to continue applying this strategy more broadly. I’m shocked that I’ve known how to do this and yet how little I’ve actually used it while I’ve been single over the last seven months — and in fact, how often I’ve done the opposite, where I’ve looked at a woman and mentally criticized her and tried to tear her down, then done something foolish like trying to talk to her after putting those kinds of vibes out, and then wondered, what the hell is this about? If you want to follow more of this journey, I share all of it in my Dating playlist.
And if you’ve appreciated this level of intuition and this level of learning, I’d love to help you face to face. Come talk with me and share your situation — you’ll get an experience that’s the best you’re going to get anywhere, it’s super easy and super low friction, and I’m always available whenever you want me to be there for you and want help.
Meanwhile, I’m maintaining total safety for myself with this approach: look, I’m not going to talk to you if you don’t talk to me. I’m not going to bother you. I’m not going to try to do anything with you unless you desire to do it with me. But I’m leading — putting my desire out there quietly, in my mind and in my heart — and I’m inviting that kind of connection back. And if it doesn’t come back, there’s no need to be hurt, because putting that kind of love out for others helps me.