On March 23, 2023, I went to a yoga class wrestling with something I'd built entirely myself. I hadn't seen the yoga crush girl in weeks. It had been over a month, and I'd missed her so much. Every class, even ones I'd never seen her at before, I'm looking around hoping she'll be there. Every class, I'm devastated when she doesn't walk in. Every class, I feel like an idiot for having made this happen. The entire thing, I did this. I'm the creator of my reality. I created all this suffering. I must like to suffer.
She was sitting in my spot
Today, I'm going to a Thursday yoga class I don't usually go to. But guess who's there? I've been looking at everybody's shoes when I come in to see if hers are there. And today, I see her shoes, and I look over, and she's sitting in the spot where I always put my mat. I freeze. I want to walk out right now. But I've been desperate to see her again. I've got to talk to her again.
I go up and put my mat on the left side of her, where I was when she first laughed in the Power Flow class a few months back. This is a class that we've never seen each other at before. And she seems very happy to see me, although a bit guarded. And I'm very happy to see her. We start talking, and then the class begins.
My first headstand, and falling over
I get up in a full headstand for the first time. And then I fall over on my back, right in front of the instructor. Clearly, my body is feeling the same way my mind is. A bit off balance.
As soon as class is over, we latch onto talking to each other again and talk the entire way out. I'm trying to get her to come to the Friday Power Flow class tomorrow. And I'm just barely restraining myself from asking for her phone number and telling her that I'm going to be there. I tell her we should meet up again. But it's been so long since we've seen each other. It feels like it'd be way too much to just do that right now.
She wants me back at the Sunday Flow
She said she wants me to come back to the Sunday Flow. She really loves that class, and she'll be there. She has a meeting tomorrow, so she doesn't know if she can make the Friday one, but she will come if she can make it. And she talks about how relaxing and great that Sunday Flow class is. I can tell she wants me to come back. I can tell she wants me to come back to that class. And if I come back to that class, that might be kind of making up for not going to it. And maybe there's, we can see what happens from there.
I say goodbye to her and hope to see her tomorrow in front of the yoga studio. Although as I drive off, I'm afraid that I won't see her again. And then if she doesn't show up tomorrow, who knows when I'll see her again. At the same time, I'm so filled with hope that I am very confused.
Confused, and growing unhappy at home
Because after having this space from her, I'd also felt like things were safe with my marriage. But now all these things have been dredging up. And I'm getting more and more unhappy with my wife every day. Because this girl at this point is just an avatar, a sign from the universe. I'm certain that if I was single, I could attract another girl like this. And now my unhappiness in my marriage is growing and growing.
Which is so crazy, because I thought that by pushing this girl away, I was doing the right thing, and then I would just settle in more in my marriage. But now I'm just obsessed with the idea of being with a younger woman, and having more kids, and being with somebody different. And my wife is so nice. She's so lovely. She has such a wonderful personality. She has such a beautiful body. Her family is so nice and supportive. I'm telling you, I'm losing it.
I keep working through this whole confusing chapter out loud in my Dating playlist, and if you want more of where my head was at during this stretch, I wrote about my yoga crush, my marriage, and feeling powerless.